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I haven’t been to Cousins in three years. Yet it still feels like home. It still looks the same, too. They’ve done a great job keeping it maintained. Jeremiah mostly, since Conrad is still in California and Adam lives in an apartment in Boston. For some reason I thought it would be looking run down, shabby. But it’s still perfect.
Jeremiah lives here full time now. He’s opened a restaurant on the waterfront, right here in Cousins. It’s one of those places that Instagram influencers love to flock to, but it gets really good reviews from food critics too. From everyone. And Jeremiah always sounds so vibrant when he talks about it.
We still talk, video call probably once a month, send at least weekly text messages. Sometimes it’s just a random meme or photo, sometimes we text until 2am, just discussing our lives. But I haven’t seen him, in person, in three years. Not since we broke up when I was 19.
Not since he transferred from Finch and started dodging family events.
I’m lying in my bed in my room upstairs, which is still exactly the same. I should tell Jeremiah that it’s okay if he changes it. It’s not like I’m using it every summer any more. Except I haven’t seen Jeremiah yet. I got here at 7pm, and everyone was here, except him. My mom, Steven, even Adam. Adam said Jere had gone out, that he’d be back later. I’d tried not to be upset. I don’t know why I expected him to come bounding out and hug me when I got back. It wasn’t like that anymore. Sure, we talked, texted. We’d kept our friendship, stayed in each others lives like we’d promised.
But that wasn’t the same as being in the same place. Being able to touch each other. That was unchartered territory. I’d been anxious for weeks leading up to today. I could understand why he wasn’t here. He was going to have to face me at some point though.
We were all here for a week, everyone except Conrad who couldn’t get away from the hospital. Trying to honour Susannah’s memory. It had been three years since they had opened Susannah’s memorial garden, and it had become such a popular place for people to visit that they had now built a cafe there, staffed by homeless women, and all the money going towards to shelter. It was opening this week, and we were all going to be there for the event. Even Adam’s new girlfriend, Maddy, and her son, who are coming tomorrow. I thought it was weird, but Mom said it was nice. It had been five years now since Susannah’s death, Adam deserved to move on. I guess she was right.
It takes me ages to fall asleep, I’m guess I’m waiting to hear if Jeremiah comes home. But he doesn’t. Something wakes me in the night though, and when I look at my phone it’s 2am, and no message from Jeremiah.
I need to pee, so I jump out of my bed and open my door, and freeze.
In the hallway, looking even more gorgeous than I remember, Jeremiah. Even in the dark, I can see he looks different. His curls are messy, his eyes blurry. And he smells like coconuts and rum. He sways a little. Is he drunk?
We both just stare at each other for a bit. Both of us clearly unprepared for this moment.
“Hey, Jeremiah”, I finally say.
“Hey, Belly. You’re……. here”
“Yep”.
And then he’s crushing me in a bear hug, and everything feels okay again.
He’s warm and hard and definitely drunk.
“Where have you been?” I ask.
“Ah, just out”, he replies.
Right.
He let’s me go, and takes a step back. Sways. Looks like he doesn’t know what to do with his hands. “Well ah, it’s good to see you. But it’s pretty late. Catch up in the morning, yeah?”.
And then he’s gone, closing his bedroom door behind him.
I stand there for awhile, just staring into the dark hallway. I can still smell him, feel his chest against my cheek. That desire to be near him, it’s still there. I want to follow him into his room. But clearly he doesn’t want the same.
When I finally get my feet to move, I pee and go back to bed.
It’s pretty early when I wake up, so I throw on my joggers and go for a run along the beach. Once I’m back, showered, and changed, Jere’s door is still closed. He’s probably hungover.
Downstairs, I grab a muffin from the plate someone has left on the bench. It’s as good as I remember.
Adam is looking uncomfortable, keeps tugging at the collar of his shirt. My mom keeps laughing at him. His girlfriend will be here any minute, and I think he’s nervous about us all meeting her. Jeremiah mainly. Except he hasn’t even come downstairs yet. I’m getting antsy to see him. I consider going and hanging out with Steven, just to distract myself, he has spent the whole morning out by the pool, doing something on his phone. I decide I’m not that desperate.
Suddenly there’s a knock at the door, and Adam wipes his hands on his jeans. I stifle a laugh. I have never in my life seen Adam Fisher nervous. Mom smiles too.
I wait in the kitchen, wondering just how awkward this is going to be. Maddy walks in, and I can tell immediately that I don’t like her. She’s very pretty. Super blonde, older than I pictured. But the first thing she says when she walks in is that the whole kitchen needs to be remodelled, and I despise her already.
Adam introduces us all, and it’s so awkward I wish I’d stayed in bed like Jeremiah.
“Where’s Jack? Is he still coming?” Adam asks. Jack must be her son. He’s probably as awful as she is.
“Yeah he brought his own car, he was only a few minutes behind me”. We hear the front door slam, “that must be him now”.
He walks into the kitchen, and my blood runs cold. Not him. Anyone but him.
“Everyone, this is my son, Jack”, Maddy says, “Jack, this is ……” she clearly can’t remember our names, “….everyone”. It’s just me and mom, she really couldn’t remember two names?
Jack’s eyes light up when he sees me.
“Isabel!” he smiles, and moves forward to hug me, but I take a step back. Into something hard, warm.
Jeremiah.
I see Jack’s eyes flick up. And he stops. Extends his hand.
“Jeremiah, right?” he asks, and I see Jeremiah’s arm extend, shake his hand.
“You must be Jack” Jeremiah says. But he doesn’t sound like the bubbly Jere I know. He sounds concerned.
He’s still standing right behind me, so close he’s basically pressed against me. Five years ago, he would have wrapped his arms around me like koala, lay his head on my shoulder. I shake the thought away. I have bigger problems than old memories.
Jack is here, staying in this house for a week. With me. And Jeremiah. I’m fucked.
Jeremiah moves away from me as he goes to shake Maddy’s hand, but he comes to stand right next to me again, almost protectively. He must be able to tell that I’m feeling uneasy. He always could.
I need to talk to him. Now.
As soon as Adam tells Jack and Maddy he will show them to their rooms, which thankfully are at the other side of the house to ours, I head up to my room, signalling Jeremiah to come with me. He does.
He follows me into my bedroom and I shut the door behind him. I expect him to be sitting on my bed, but instead he’s just standing awkwardly. We have so much to work through, this boy and I. But I’m about to make it all really awkward. I know what i need to ask him, and I know it’s not fair.
I gesture at my bed, and we both sit on the edge. Jeremiah sits a safe distance away from me. I guess he’s trying not to think about the nights we’ve spent in this bed, together, too.
“What is going on Belly? Why is that Jack guy looking at you like he’s going to murder you or something? Why do you seem scared of him?”.
I sigh. “It’s a long story”.
“Well, you better start talking”.
Here goes.
“I met Jack last year college. He transferred from Brown. He’s a smart guy, but a bit…. different. I felt bad because he didn’t really seem to be making any friends, so I started sitting next to him in class and stuff”.
Jeremiah’s eyes narrow, but he doesn’t say anything, so I continue.
“Taylor told me to stay away from him, that he gave creeper vibes. But I felt bad for him. I never have had a very good radar for bad guys. I dated Conrad, after all”.
A small smile from him, then.
“But Taylor was right. He became like, obsessed with me. Started following me around, turning up outside my dorm in the middle of the night, following us home from parties. I tried to cut myself off from him, but it just made him worse. I wondered if I was overreacting, but then Taylor found out from this guy she was dating at Brown that Jack had been suspended because he was accused of stalking a girl there. I told security, but he hadn’t actually done anything to harm me, and he didn’t have a record, so they couldn’t do much, except increase security outside my dorm”.
“Shit, Bells.What a fucking creep”.
“I know. I stopped going out at night, stopped walking anywhere on my own. But he was still there, in all my classes, still trying to be my friend, touch me any chance I got. So Taylor had this bright idea, and we told him I had a boyfriend. Except he said he didn’t believe me, kept asking for details. So I told him…..”I trail off.
“What? What did you tell him?”.
“I told him my boyfriends name was Jeremiah. And I showed him photos. Of you”.
Jeremiah’s eyes look like they’re going to pop out of his head. “Me? You told him I was your boyfriend?”
“Yeah”
He runs his hands through his hair.
“So when he saw me down there, he thought we were together?”.
“Yeah”.
“Did it work? Did he leave you alone?”
“Yeah, it did. He hasn’t spoken to me since”.
“Good. I’m glad. But what happens now? He’s going to talk to his mom, or anyone in this house, anyone in Cousins really, and figure out that we haven’t been together for years”.
“Well, that’s the thing. I told him our relationship, yours and mine, was like a secret. That we were hiding it from our families because they didn’t approve. It explained why there were no photos on my Instagram or anything”.
“Right”.
Silence then.
“So what happens now? This week? Clearly we’re not together, and once he figures that out what if he goes after you again?”.
It’s exactly what I’ve been thinking. I don’t feel safe in this house at all, not with Jack in it. Which sucks.
“I’ll talk to my dad”, Jeremiah decides, “they will have to leave. Now”.
“Jere, I don’t think that’s a good idea. I know Jack well enough to know that if he thinks he’s been wronged, he gets vindictive. Violent. It would make things worse”.
“So what do we do then?”.
I take a deep breathe. Close my eyes. I shouldn’t do this to Jere. But I have no choice. “I thought maybe, we could pretend to be together? Just for this week?”.
I can’t even look him in the eye when I say it. Here we are, we haven’t even had a conversation face to face in three years, and I’m asking this of him. When things are so delicate between us.
But he doesn’t even take a beat.
“Okay” he says, but he looks wary.
“Okay? Are you sure?”.
“Yeah, I’m sure. I think it’s the safest option. But let me get this straight. I’m pretending to be your boyfriend in front of Jack, but pretending to not be your pretend boyfriend in front of everyone else?”.
“I know it’s messy. It’s crazy”.
“Well, we’ve always been good at that”.
I look him in the eyes then. We just stare at each other.
He looks away, like he’s shy. “Okay, rules. Where can I touch you?”
I try to pretend like him saying that didn’t just switch on every nerve ending in my body. And I can’t turn the filter on in my brain before I say, “everywhere”.
His eyebrows shoot up.
“Outside my clothes. Obviously. Anywhere outside my clothes. Is what I meant”. Oh my gosh I’m blushing. But so is he. But he recovers much quicker than me. He uses his professional voice when he says.
“So like, holding hands? I can put my arm around you? What about kissing?”.
Oh my god.
“Yep. That’s all fine. If you’re okay with it. Closed mouth?” I suggest.
“Okay. It’s a plan”.
Suddenly, I panic, and say, “not my neck though. No touching my neck. Or kissing it either”.
Shit. Now I’m picturing him kissing my neck. He looks confused for a second, and then he says quietly “I wasn’t going to”.
“Okay. I know. Of course you weren’t. It’s just too…..”
I don’t even know how to finish the sentence. Too us? Too intimate? Too real? To painful? It was our thing, I loved Jeremiah touching my neck, it hit me in places I didn’t know I could feel things. I couldn’t take it now. Not if it was fake.
“Yeah, I get it” he says, and his voice is rough. I can’t look at him again.
I can’t believe I’ve put us in this position. We should be carefully treading, putting our friendship back together. But instead, we’re going to be acting like we’re together. Its a lot.
And then Jeremiah says the last thing I’m expecting. “I think you should sleep in my bed”.
My mouth drops open.
“I don’t like the idea of you being in here alone at night with him around”.
I don’t either, honestly.
“Okay”, I agree. And so do the butterflies in my stomach.
“Well, I need to head into the restaurant for a bit, just check everything is okay for my week off. I guess if you’re my girlfriend, you should have seen the place? Wanna come?”.
“Yes!” I pretty much shout, and jump off the bed and almost out of my skin. I’ve been hanging out to see Jere’s restaurant. He’s video called me a few times from there, so I know some of the staff. I can’t wait to see it for real.
We sneak out the front door as quickly as possible, and then we’re in the Jeep. I feel the most relaxed, the most me, I have since I got here. Riding shotgun in Jere’s car, just chatting about life, about everything we’ve missed. It feels easy, comfortable. This is what we needed, just some time, the two of us. Getting comfortable with each other again.
We spend a few hours at the Restaurant, with Jere proudly showing everyone and everything off.
We’re driving home when the anxiety starts to sink in again. Jack. In this house. And all our families. Are we going to be able to pull this off?
Jere reads my mind. “Relax, we’ll be fine. We know how to act like a couple. And how to act like we’re not a couple. Remember that first fourth of July? We almost got away with our parents not realising we were together”.
“Yeah, until my mom caught us making out in the pantry”, I laugh.
“Well, no chance of that this week. No tongue, right?”, he grins at me.
“Oh my god, Jere!”, I turn bright red as I hit him on the shoulder.
He just laughs. God I love this man. He is right. This will be fine.
Back at the house, everyone is hanging around by the pool drinking beers. Jere grabs both of us a drink, and we head out.
I go to talk to mom and Maddy, and Jeremiah heads over to where Adam is talking to Steven and Jack. I try not to stare at him, wonder what they are saying.
It’s golden hour, right before sunset, when the parents inform us they are all heading out for dinner. Jack goes inside with them, hopefully he is going out with them. Steven tells us he is meeting up with some girl, and goes inside too. So it’s just me and Jere left by the pool.
“Swim?” he suggests, and I don’t even answer him, just pull off my dress, since I’m already wearing my new red bikini underneath, and smile at him. I can’t help but notice the way his eyes flick down my body and back up. No one has ever looked at me the way Jeremiah does. Those butterflies start flapping again.
I quickly run up and dive into the pool. The water is perfect, cool and refreshing, but not cold. I resurface in time to see Jere pull his shirt off.
Oh my god.
He’s always been fit. But this grown up Jeremiah, He is buff. As tan as ever. He really does look like a bronzed Greek god. I hope my mouth isn’t open.
Then he bombies in, because he hasn’t changed all that much since he was 8, and then we are splashing each other. We’re laughing and it feels like old times. Except in the past, I would have been jumping on him, play fighting, touching him. I can’t do that now. But I want to. I really, really want to.
I wonder if it will always be this way. This pull he has over me, this attraction to him. If it hasn’t left after three years, will it ever? It’s funny that it was once Conrad I thought I would never get over. Now I barely think of the guy.
We eventually stop splashing when Jack walks back out and makes himself comfortable in one of the lounges. Shit.
“Hey. You didn’t go with the parents?”, Jere asks him. I still haven’t spoken to him.
“Nah, I thought I’d stay here with you guys, Steven said he’s going to pick someone up, take her out for dinner, and then you’re all going to a party? I’m going to come”.
Great.
“Oh, cool”, Jeremiah says.
There’s an awkward silence, so Jeremiah starts chatting away, asking Jack if he surfs (he doesn’t) or swims (he doesn’t). Then he’s talking about hurricane season, chatting about catching sand crabs as kids, just keeping the conversation light. I’m so thankful for him, for his ease and confidence in any situation.
The whole time Jere is talking, Jack doesn’t take his eyes off me. I sink as low as I can in the water, feeling exposed in just my bikini.
When Jere finally takes a break from talking, probably to breathe, Jack says, “it’s so good to see you, Isabel. I’ve missed you. Remember when we used to hang out all the time, just the two of us? We should do that again, maybe you can show me around this week”.
Suddenly Jere is behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist, dropping a quick kiss on my cheek.
I don’t have to fake a smile, I couldn’t keep the grin off my face if I tried.
“I’m sure we can show you around”, Jere says. He sounds protective. He should be an actor, he’s good at this.
And I can’t help but melt into him, lean into his warm body in the cool water.
“Right”, Jack says. “So, why are you guys keeping this” - his eyes flick from my face to Jere’s- “a secret then? Why can’t you just tell everyone? Your parents seem pretty chill”.
My mind goes blank, but Jere goes in with something close to the truth. “We almost got married a few years ago. It really stressed our parents out. Caused a lot of tension. It got messy, and we called things off. When we got back together it was easier to keep it on the down low. Not involve anyone else”.
Jack just nods. “So it would be pretty bad for you if they found out? If someone accidentally let it slip, you’d be in trouble”.
He sounds like he is making a threat. My whole body tenses, and Jere’s grip around me tightens.
Jere’s voice sounds light when he speaks, but I can feel the tension in his body “Nah, not really. We’re going to have to come clean at some point. They might have an idea anyway. It’s probably pretty obvious there’s still something between us”.
For a second I completely forget that Jere and I aren’t actually a couple. Forget that Jack is right there. I spin myself around, wrap my arms around Jeremiah’s neck and say, “You really think they’d notice? They never notice us”.
Jere just cocks an eyebrow at me, and I realise that I got caught up, that my legs are around his waist and my body fully against his. I’m sure I turn the same colour as my bikini. To hide my cheeks, I bury my face in his neck, which just makes things worse. But Jack is watching us, so I stay there.
Suddenly, I hear “Hey guys I’m just going…..”
Shit, Steven.
I jump off Jere like I’ve been struck by lightning, which it kind of feels like I have.
He is looking between me and Jere with his eyes narrowed.
“You going out, man?”, Jere tries to act normal.
“Ah, yeah”, Steven splutters, “I’m taking this girl I met yesterday out for dinner. I’ll meet you at the party. You guys are right to take Jack, yeah?”
“Yeah, sure” Jere tells him.
“Okay, Cool”, he says. Takes one last glance at me and then walks away.
Jack looks pleased with himself.
“Looks like I better make us some dinner then, before we go”, Jere says, and climbs out of the pool, grabs a towel off the lounge chair next to Jack.
I suddenly feel really uncomfortable. Jack is staring at me, and I don’t want to climb out of the pool in front of him. Not in this tiny bikini. I brought it with me knowing Jere would be here, not Jack. I feel exposed.
Jere must notice though, because he stands directly in front of Jack, and holds his towel open for me. I quickly climb out of the pool and he wraps the towel around my shoulders, rubbing my arms as he does it.
“There you go, beautiful”, he says, “you go up and have a shower, I’ll be up in a sec”.
As I walk away, I hear him say to Jack, “I’m going to marry that girl. I didn’t get to before, but I won’t let her get away again”.
I almost can’t breathe. He’s just pretending. I tell myself. Just playing the game. Why do I want so badly for those words to be true though?
After my shower I spend my time getting ready. Curl my hair, take care with my makeup. Agonise over whether to go with a cute white dress, or the sexy pink one. I choose the pink. I wait until I hear Jeremiah shut off his shower, and then wait again until I hear him go down the stairs. I don’t want to be down there with Jack by myself if I can help it.
When I get to the kitchen, Jere is in a white shirt, sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a pair of dark jeans. He’s got a fresh pair of Nikes on, a bit of product in his hair and he looks like a model. I can’t take my eyes off him. Jack isn’t around, thank god.
Jeremiah looks me up and down when I walk out, lets out a low whistle. I roll my eyes at him, and sit at the counter.
“Do you need a hand?” I ask him.
“Nope, almost done. I’m just doing a quick pasta, nothing fancy. You could grab us both a beer though?”.
So I grab a couple of beers out of the fridge and sit down again, and we chat. It’s so easy with Jeremiah, always has been. He asks about my plans for work now I’ve graduated, tells me about the guy whose house we’re going to for this party, and I fill him in on Taylor’s latest Tinder disasters. He cooks and we laugh and I’m so glad that we can still be like this, after everything. And I’ll take this, this friendship, even though every part of me still screams that I want more.
Just as Jeremiah’s plating up, Jack walks in. Even I have to admit he looks good in a black t-shirt and jeans. He’s a good looking guy, shame he’s awful on the inside.
The mood changes though, and we manage to get through dinner with stilted conversation and more beer. I’m already starting to feel a little bit buzzed, maybe I should slow down, especially with Jack around. Although Jeremiah will keep me safe. He always has.
Jack barely takes his eyes off me the whole time. It’s really starting to freak me out. It’s bold, stupid even, with Jeremiah right there. As soon as we finish eating, I grab their plates and head to the kitchen. Jeremiah follows me, and second I put the plates down, he spins me around and pushes me against the bench, and rests his forehead against mine. He clearly wants to remind Jack that we are ‘together’. He runs his hand through my hair, and then he whispers in my ear.
“Are you okay? Should we ditch him?”.
I’m so distracted by the feel and smell of Jeremiah so close to me that I almost forget who he is talking about. Jack. Right.
“It’s fine”, I whisper back, “lets just get out of here. We can lose him at the party”.
When Jere pulls away, I see thunder in Jack’s eyes. He clearly didn’t like having to see that. Good. Maybe he will back off now.
Jeremiah holds my hand the whole car ride, while Jack sits in the back and fumes. I try not to think about how nice it feels, Jere’s fingers linked with mine.
The party is thumping, but instead of losing Jack like I planned, he seems stuck to me. Jeremiah seems to know everyone here, and I know a few. I haven’t been around for three years though, and I never really left the house much before that, so they’re mostly strangers to me. Jere walks with his arm around me, pulling me close. He introduces me to everyone as “Belly”. Not “my girlfriend Belly”, which he used to tell absolutely everyone we met, everywhere. It stings to lose that, but it also feels nice to be under his arm again, to be somewhere together, so I’ll take it.
Once we’ve got drinks, we somehow end up in the middle of the dance floor. If Jack doesn’t surf or swim, he definitely doesn’t dance, and I watch him make a beeline for the door and disappear. Thank god.
Jere hasn’t seemed to have noticed that he’s gone though, and he pulls my arms around his neck, pulls my hips into his. It feels nice, so I’m not going to tell him it’s not necessary.
We sway a bit to the music, not really dancing but just relaxing into the feel of the party. I can definitely feel those beers from dinner, and it makes me feel bold, so I press my body even closer to Jeremiah’s. And then I have a realisation. I lean up, and say in his ear, “I’m sorry if being here with me is ruining your game. If you wanted to meet someone tonight”.
But he just looks at me with this strange look on his face, and then leans down and tells me, “even if we weren’t pretending to be together, I’d still just want to hang out with you”.
I smile. Jeremiah always had a way of making me feel like I was the only person that mattered, in any room.
And then I feel his hands go slowly down my back, and then he makes me jump when he grabs my ass and squeezes.
I look up at him in shock, and he says, “What? Jack was watching” but there is a glint in his eyes.
I look around the room, but Jack definitely isn’t in here. Two can play at this game “Well, if Jack is watching….” i say, and then I lean forward and kiss him, straight on the lips.
When I lean back and open my eyes, smiling, I’m expecting Jere to laugh, or something. But the way he is looking at me isn’t funny at all. He just leans forward, pushes my hair behind my ear and kisses me, once, twice, and then a third time, before pulling back and looking at me. I can’t fight the urge to kiss him again, and I’m about to, when his eyes flick over my shoulder and he says, “Shit, Steven”.
I slip my arms from Jere’s neck and turn around to see Steven, with his arm around a red headed girl. He’s smiling. So I don’t think he saw us.
“There’s a bonfire out on the beach, let’s head out there”, Jere whisper shouts in my ear over the music, and I nod. He grabs me by the hand and pulls me through the crowd, out the back door and down the steps on to the sand. The beach is just there, right behind the house. These people must be super rich. There is a big bonfire blazing, and we walk towards it, still hand in hand. I feel happy, light.
Except then, I notice that Jack is standing by the bonfire, maybe ten feet away, talking to some girl.
I pull Jere to a stop, and tell him that Jack is here.
“Well, in that case”, he smiles, and pulls my towards him, his hands on my hips. He kisses me again, and again, and again, leaning back between each kiss to smile at me. I can’t help but smile back, It feels like something has changed. This feels real, not pretend anymore. And I really, really, really want it to be real. I haven’t let myself even think it, not for three years, but maybe there is still a chance for Jeremiah and I? Maybe we can get back what we lost? Make it into something even better? The thought makes me feel even warmer than the bonfire does.
I put my arms around Jere’s neck, and get up on my tip toes to whisper in his ear, “Jack really is here. So you can kiss me again, if you want”. His smile gets even bigger, but he glances around the bonfire.
And then he freezes. Takes his hands of my waist and uses them to remove mine from around his neck. “Shit”. He mutters.
I follow his eyes to where Jack and the girl he was talking to are walking towards us.
Shit, alright.
“Jeremiah”, the girl says, and I suddenly feel uneasy, the way she is looking at him. I feel even worse when I see the panic on his face. Who is this girl? All I know is she is beautiful. Tall, blonde, perky boobs. She looks like a supermodel. And she hasn’t taken her eyes off Jeremiah.
“I didn’t think I’d see you again, after last night. I didn’t expect you to stay the night, but you didn’t have to sneak out”, she laughs up at him.
I don’t have to pretend to be shocked, The hurt hits me in the chest, even though Jeremiah isn’t really mine. That’s where he was last night? Hooking up with this girl? He’d just come back from having sex when I ran into him in the hallway? I feel suddenly sick. Even though I have no right. I guess it plays out on my face, because Jack looks overjoyed. Smug prick.
Jere is just looking at me, a panicked expression on his face.
“Oh, you two know each other?” Jack interjects. “I just met Sophia. She’s here for the Summer from New York. Sophia, you obviously know Jeremiah. And this is his long term girlfriend, Isabel”.
Sophia’s face drops. She narrows her eyes at him. “No kidding. Your girlfriend? I mean, we both said we weren’t looking for anything serious. But a girlfriend? And here’s me thinking you were a great guy. I’m sorry to tell you, but your boyfriend is a cheating asshole”, she tells me. And then she grand Jacks hand, and walks away. He gives a smug grin over his shoulder.
I feel so stupid. I feel tears spring to my eyes. It’s not fair on Jeremiah, to make him look like a cheat, when he is just helping me out. But the disappointment, the sadness, is overwhelming. Which is so, so dumb He’s just been pretending to be my boyfriend. And for what, 12 hours? And I thought there was something between us. That he would want to start something again with me. But he didn’t even want to see me when I got back. He was out picking up instead. I am such an idiot.
“Belly…”he says. But I can’t even look at him.
“Sorry”, I manage to splutter out, “for making you look bad. You can go tell her the truth, if you want”. And then I walk as fast as I can without running, without making even more of a scene, down the beach away from the bonfire.
I don’t make it far before I hear him calling my name though. I ignore him, and keep going. I’m full on crying now, and I don’t want him to see. I don’t want to have to explain that I still love him, that I thought something was happening between us. It will ruin everything.
He doesn’t let me get away though, he grabs me from behind, holding me tight against him. He doesn’t say anything, and I can’t help but relax into him, and cry. Eventually he spins me around, tucks my head under his chin, and runs his hands up and down my back. It makes me cry harder, because this is what I want, But he doesn’t. Not in the way that I do.
Finally, the tears stop, and I can breathe again.
“Sorry”, I mumble against his chest. I’m pretty sure I’ve left makeup all over his shirt, but it’s too dark out here to see.
“Wanna talk about it?’ he asks in a low voice, and I nod. I don’t, not really. But this is what Jere and I do. Talk about everything, even if we don’t want to.
He sits down, pulling me with him, positioning me between his legs, with my back to his front. I learn back into him. Enjoy this closeness while it lasts. Before I make things awkward and he has to distance himself from me.
“At least we’re keeping the illusion going”, he says, and I look over to see Jack and Sophia both turning their heads to look at us. I almost smile a bit. We’re pulling off girl hurt by her cheating boyfriend pretty well, I guess.
I look back out to the waves, let the sound of them crashing on the sand calm me. I take a deep breath, close my eyes. Here I am, messing everything up again.
“I guess…. I guess I just got carried away. With the pretending. I forgot that you have other things going on”.
I hope he doesn’t make me explain more. I also hope he doesn’t think he has to make it clear that it wasn’t anything more than pretend. I get that now.
But his arms wrap around me, and he says, quietly, “I went out last night because I was so anxious about seeing you”
“What? Why”
“Because I was driving myself insane, wondering what things were going to be like between us. I couldn’t seem to crush the hope that there might still be something there”.
“Oh”
“And the whole last week, I’ve been having the same dream every night”.
“What happens in the dream?”
“Well, do you remember that weekend we came down to Cousins? After you first week at Finch?”.
I nod. I I knew which weekend before he even had to explain. We’d thought we could stretch out the summer, have one last weekend, just the two of us, here. But there had been a crazy storm, it was freezing cold, the power went out and it just rained the whole time. We basically didn’t leave my bed. It was fun, but also really intense. And I fell even more in love than I already was. More than I knew was possible. I realised that I wanted Jeremiah forever, and that was a decision we could make. To be honest it was probably when the seed of us getting married young had been planted. We were both so sure about what we wanted. And I had never wanted to leave my bed. Not if he was in it.
He sighs. “I kept dreaming about us. Together. In your bed”.
“Oh”.
“And the thought of you being there, just through the wall, in your bed and me being in mine, I didn’t know if I could take it. So I was a coward, and I went out. I got drunk, and I thought that being with someone else would get it out of my system”.
“Did it work?”, I ask him,
He chuckles. “No. I came home to you standing in the hallway, in your sexy little pyjamas, looking even better than I remembered. I almost threw you over my shoulder and took you back into your room”.
I giggle. I like that image.
He continues “and then the next thing I know you’ve convinced me to be your fake boyfriend and then I was really struggling. It was nice to have an excuse to touch you though”
“You don’t need an excuse to touch me”, I tell him.
He breathes out a long, slow breath. “Yeah?”
“Yeah”.
From behind me, he plants long, slow kiss on my shoulder. It sends goosebumps scattering all across my skin. I can’t help but crane my neck away, exposing the skin for him. I feel his warm breath on my neck, and then he pulls away. “Sorry”.
The rules. Right.
“No. I wan’t you to”, I whisper, “If it’s real”.
“Well then, Bells, Is it real, or not real?”.
I smile. I forced Jeremiah to watch all of the Hunger Games movies with me the summer I turned 13. He remembers.
“It’s real”, I say, and then he’s trailing warm kisses up my neck. It feels so good, so much like home, that I can’t take it. I spin myself around, straddling him, and push him back down into the sand. And then we are kissing, and his hands are all over me, and I’m tempted to take this dress off right here and now.
“Let’s go home”, he mumbles into my ear, and I nod.
“Your room or mine?” I ask him with a smile.
“Yours, definitely yours”.