Chapter Text
“Why are you doing this?? I thought you loved me!”
“Power is more important than love, Katherine,” Snow says, gazing at her sadly from the other side of the bars. “I must be going now.” A sad, emotional violin song started playing in the background, and tears started growing in Katie’s eyes as she let out an agonized wail.
Snow pogosticks away, smiling as he thinks of visiting his new lover.
An alarm blares, filling the school with its shrieks. “Attention, students. If you see Cornylanous Snow, please arrest him at once. His ugly buzz cut is turning people to stone.”
Snow gasps. “NOOOOOOOO! MY SLAYYYYYY!”
Inside the school, Dean Highbottom pulls out his Nerf Gun. “My time has come!” He picks up his walkie talkie. “Bloodsuckerz, assemble!”
Across the campus, Corainolous’ dad takes a swig of vodka. “Roger, Captain Hotstuf.”
At his signal, three unicycles converge on campus, gaining on Snow’s pogo stick.
Snow peels off his shirt.
The Bloodsuckerz, blinded by the sight of his abs, scream, “No! We are unworthy!”
Snow yeets his shirt at them, spinning around so they may see his muscles in their full glory. He wiggles them for extra measure. Then he winks. Hotly.
The Bloodsuckerz pass out, his shirt landing on top of them. They go down in a tangle of unicycles and feet, drenched by the sweat from his t-shirt.
Safe from pursuers, he pulls into the campus Starbucks. He sashays inside, pushing his way to the front of the line.
“One Extra Caramel Unicorn Flat Blond Pink Drink Cappuccino with Dragon Fruit Chunks.”
The cashier nods in awe, too distracted by his physique to remember to make Cornailousnous pay.
Snow cartwheels out, expertly balancing his drink on his hand.
“Cornilanaus! I can’t believe you’ve done this!” Katie appears in front of him, all three and a half eyes full of anger. “Why??”
“Because I’m not like the other girls.” Cornichon takes a sip from his elaborate curly straw. “I’m worse. ”
Katie screams in rage and uses her four arms to send a volley of Nerf bullets towards him.
Cornilueuis does a triple back handspring, avoiding the bullets, and pirouettes towards the labs. “Goodbye forever, Katie! My true lover awaits!”
He arabesques through the door, a smile growing on his face.
“I’ve been waiting for you,” Edward Cullen says. He glances down at Snow’s stomach, and frowns. “Oh, and nice abs,” he continues, “but they’re not good enough .”
“What do you mean?” Cornoioews counters. “I have a 20 pack!”
“Yeah, but you need to have a 50 pack.”
“A 50 pack?!”
“Yeah. You have a problem with that?”
“No. I must be the HOTTEST.”
“Wonderful. Now, get outta here. Love you. Bye.”
“Okie! Bye, gorgeous!”
Cornioseis pogo sticks to Dr. Gaul’s lab, where he then double jumps to the second floor, and grand-pirouettes through the window. There, he finds Dr. Gaul having an affair with a snake. Well, five snakes.
She tips her cowboy hat at him, and raises her eyebrows in a flirtatious way.
“Whatcha doin’ in me offeece?” she asked with a strong Texan accent, still doing weird things with snakes.
“I want a 50 pack!” he replies.
“So ya come in me offeece to watch me make love with me babies?”
“Yeah!”
“Go get drunk.”
“Bet.”
He belts out the opening chords to Let it Go: The Macarena Edition.
Dr. Gaul joins in with tears in her eyes, and the snakes even sway along with them.
The national anthem of Panem echoes through the campus, killing everyone who hears Snow’s beautiful voice.
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