Work Text:
What about me that already love you?
You came to give me hope
then you left and disappeared *
One of the things Porchay hadn’t expected about rolling into his university classes later than the other students, was just how much he would have to make up for in terms of assignments and tests he needed to take. On one hand, it was good because it served as a distraction. On the other, it could turn into a problem and fast, because he was still not at a 100 percent in the classroom, and not fairing much better when he got home. His professors didn’t care he was still nursing a broken heart and kept piling him with homework and textbooks he needed to read. And Porchay was already feeling slightly guilty and undeserving for being allowed to start the academy year two months later than the other students. He was already feeling like an imposter on campus, he didn’t want to further prove that by not doing the work required. If only his brain could get on board with the program he was setting up for himself and stop replaying all the finest points of his first failed romance on repeat at the most unfortunate moments because that only resulted in Porchay wanting to curl himself in a ball somewhere quiet and not do anything. Nor very productive. Entirely unhelpful for his academic goals.
He stood on the curb now, waiting for one of the family’s cars to pick him up, thanking the heavens it was Friday and he would have two whole days to deal with his homework in peace. The weekend meant no one would be adding work to his packed schedule. He would be able to start ticking things off one by one.
Usually, he would have gone to the library which was always quiet and peaceful but he hadn’t been able to sleep very well again the previous night and he was feeling dead on his feet. He needed to lie down, even if it was just for an hour. Then he would go down to the kitchen and grab himself a box of ice cream before tackling an essay or something. It sounded like a solid plan to him.
He didn’t need to wait for more than three minutes before the black Maserati was rolling in in front of him and Porchay quickly got in before he grabbed too much attention from people around. He was hardly the only rich kid here but he had been deliberately trying to keep a low profile among the student body. He was still trying to figure out where he stood.
While not being in the best head space, he most naturally gravitated towards wanting to isolate himself, while knowing that getting stuck in his own head also wasn’t good for him. But he was hesitant on attempting to make new friends because, for the first time in his life, he was worrying about possibly endangering anyone he brought in. He didn’t know what the rules were. Porsche repeated again and again that they were safe, that Porchay would never have to worry about money or debtors trying to take away their home from them. He said that Porchay would never have to come close to all the illegal things they were involved in now. But Porsche also demanded he doesn’t even attempt to try to slip his security detail and had wanted him to give his phone to Arm so he could upload tracking software on it. So now Porchay didn’t know if approaching a fellow student and joining them for a study session or something could result in possibly putting a target on their unsuspecting back one day.
It didn’t sit well with him and only added to his general uneasiness these days. Porchay was already feeling lonely. He had limited his interaction with all his old friends from school, he was too nervous to make new ones, and his relationship with Porsche was still a little bit strained despite both their efforts. It was killing him because he could find no reprieve anywhere in his life at the moment. His older brother had been his rock all his life but Porchay didn’t know how to even attempt to start talking about all the things that were troubling him, so he said nothing. Sometimes he caught Porsche eyeing him in concern and he just knew the day would come when he stopped giving him his space and started asking questions. Porchay wasn’t doing okay and probably everyone saw it. Porsche was just trying to treat him like an adult and allow him to come to him at his own time.
“Do you want to stop somewhere along the way, Porchay?” The driver asked him and he caught his eyes in the rearview mirror.
“No, thank you. Just straight to the compound.” He said quietly, thankful that at least Mek had listened to him and dropped the khun at his continued insistence. It had been so weird being addressed like that and unfortunately, some of the staff at the tower kept doing it. He thought he understood why it was important for Porsche to be treated with such respect but he wished he could make everyone drop the habit for him.
He gritted his teeth, trying not to let the pitying look Mek sent him affect him too much. If even his bodyguards were taking notice of his nonexistent social life, he was in even bigger trouble than he’d thought. He turned his gaze toward the streets outside the car. With this traffic, it would be twenty minutes more until they arrived home. He looked forward to his bed and the silence after the chaos in the university. Fridays tended to make students even more excitable than usual, there had been loud conversation and laughter around him the whole day. He grimaced even more at his own thoughts. He sounded like a grumpy old man, complaining about the boisterous youth around him. He wanted to be a musician, for god’s sake. Since when did noise bother him?
Twenty-five minutes later, they were rolling through familiar streets. Porchay barely waited for Mek to park in front of the entrance before he was reaching for and opening his door. He absently nodded to the guard, placed by the main entrance when he passed him, fiddling with the strap of his bag over his shoulder. Yawning, he headed for the elevator to go up to his room and crash but then a raised voice, and a very loud one, Thankhun’s, reached him from what he liked to call the main family room. Which wasn’t a very apt description as this tower had many rooms and the family, when it bothered to gather, used a lot of them, but in Porchay’s opinion this was maybe a little bit more favored than most. Or at least he liked it. It was spacious and always bright and it had the softest sofas he had ever sat on. He had actually napped there on two occasions now and he could confirm just how cozy it was. He was still impressed by stuff like that, no matter that he was surrounded by luxury all the time now. Too curious, he headed there. He could also hear his brother alongside Tankhun and he hadn’t actually seen Porsche since yesterday morning. The man was busy these days, they actually had to make an effort to check up with each other.
He walked into a room, full of activity. It wasn’t just Tankhun and Porsche, Kinn was also here, as well as Arm on a laptop, and Pol and Fa. The last one had been recently added on the roaster of guarding the eldest brother, on a probation period until they saw how he fared. Porchay didn’t have high expectations. The guy looked more scared of Tankhun half the time, than he would have of any possible threat for his charge. He was sure he was competent otherwise. Just not the best suited for this particular kind of crazy. Not one of them registered Porchay opening the door and joining them. That and just how agitated everyone seemed to be told him something was wrong. He went straight to the point.
“What’s going on?” He asked, raising his voice a little. It seemed to cut through the chaos and everyone looked at him, startled.
“Chay,” Porsche was the first to react. “You’re home.” He said and shook his head a second later as if embarrassed for stating the obvious. “I mean- yeah. You’re home. It’s, uh- nothing, everything’s fine.”
Porchay just raised his eyebrows as high as he could go, looking at everyone in the room, taking in the obvious signs for the second time that was a lie.
“Hia, I thought we talked about this. If you don’t want me to know something about the business – fine. But didn’t we agree we won’t lie to each other anymore?”
His older brother winced as if he had been struck but Porchay stood his ground.
They looked at each other for long minutes, neither saying anything. An unpleasant coldness started spreading in Porchay’s stomach the longer it lasted. He was going to turn his back and just walk out. This was beginning to become hurtful. He understood Porsche wanting to protect him. That had been his modus operandi for years now, it wasn’t something he would break out of easily. But hadn’t he learned that Porchay preferred the harsh truth instead of secrets? What more had to happen for him to realize he was no longer a child?
“Kim is missing,” Kinn said in his mid-step and Porchay’s heart froze in his chest. The man continued, seemingly not knowing the devastation his words were causing the boy. “No one has seen or heard from him in a few days now but today we got a message with demands so we know for certain he was taken. Porsche didn’t want to tell you so not to worry you.”
Porchay was breathing, he knew that, he could hear it. Short, shallow breaths that he knew if he continued, would eventually make him dizzy or at the very least cause a headache. But the air he was pulling into his lungs felt stale and simply wrong. Like it came from the atmosphere of a foreign planet. His limbs were also going numb inches by inches until he felt a sharp tingling in his fingers, and then that eventually also started disappearing and he had to put effort into moving them. He rubbed his thumb and forefinger together and had to cast a panicked look down because that felt like nothing but he could still see he was doing it.
Then, far too quickly, the loss of sensation traveled down to his legs and he imagined himself losing balance any minute now and founding himself on the floor.
He must have gone pale as a sheet or something because he saw the confusion and worry on his older brother’s face. But he couldn’t care no one in the household knew he had history with Kim, he wasn’t getting enough air.
“What do you mean you haven’t heard from him for days? He’s your brother, isn’t he? Your little brother?” He moved his eyes from Tankhun to Kinn and his emotions were in such complete disarray he found himself pleased to see them squirm, to see their guilt. That was for a total of two seconds. Then he was hit by another wave of panic because if what they were saying was true, Kim could really have been missing for days and no one would have known. In fact, what guarantee was there that this ransom note, or whatever it was, was valid and he was really held captive and not dead already? The thought barely pierced his brain and the breath was stolen from him and this time it felt permanent.
The world blurred in front of his eyes and he bent himself in half but not to throw up as he thought initially, just from the sharp pain in his stomach, his body needing to move in some way to expel his anxious energy.
“Chay!” Porsche was on him in a second, running his hands all over his back, trying to help him to stand back up. And Porchay tried, he also tried to breathe but no matter how wide he opened his mouth, no matter how much he heaved, his lungs weren’t working. He wasn’t breathing. He was choking. And his heart was trying to beat right out of his chest. “Chay. What are you- hey! You need to calm down, okay?”
Porchay wanted to but he just couldn’t. It made him panic even more until he was fighting for every breath and it felt like now everyone in the room was next to him, talking all over themselves, and for one crazy second he was afraid he would actually faint.
“Hia,” he managed to croak out, reaching blindly for Porsche’s elbow and clinging to it. “I can’t-“
“Easy, easy now.” He pulled him in until his face was pressed into Porsche’s neck, his fingers in his hair. Despite being restricted in his movements by this, his regular breathing made practically harder, this helped. Porchay clung to him with all his strength, forgetting for a second what had scared him so much in the first place, and tried to focus on regulating his breathing. “I’ve got you. You’re okay. Everything’s going to be okay.” Porsche said again and again and hearing this mantra repeatedly eased something in his brain. One shuddering breath but it got air in his lungs. It was sweet and painful and he released it with a violent sob that almost felt like it was shredding his chest. But he pulled in another, and then another after that. His cheeks were wet from tears.
“Okay?” Porsche whispered in his ear, kissing his temple. Porchay could only nod. Suddenly he was hit with all the hours of missed sleep and felt so tired.
But Kim was missing. What if something had happened to him?
“You need to find him.” He sniffled. “Please, please. I need to know he’s okay.”
“What are you talking about?” Porsche was asking, sounding close to panic as well. “Chay, I don’t understand what-“
“Kim! Hia, please. You have to find him.” He pulled back and saw the incredulous look on his brother’s face when he took in the tears and Porchay’s panic, not really understanding where they were coming from. Here’s a prime example of why secrets lead to no good things. Porchay didn’t have the mental capacity to explain his secret relationship. All he could think about was the all-consuming terror at the idea of something happening to Kim.
“We will but- Hey, look at me.” Porchay could feel the cold cage constricting his lungs starting to form again and it was probably showing on his face because the next moment Porsche was squeezing his cheeks. “We’ll find him, okay? I promise.” He sounded determined and so painfully familiar. Porchay knew that tone of voice. It had been the only thing that had allowed him to sleep at night when he was a kid and the threat of scary-looking men bursting through the door looking for money was a far too regular occurrence. Porsche was his blanket, had been for as long as he could remember. And now he allowed himself to sink into that memory of safety to keep his own mind. Porsche said it was okay, so it was going to be. Kim would be okay. He had to be okay.
One hour later found him curled on his favourite couch under a fluffy blanket, sipping from his second cup of tea. His stomach ached and he couldn’t decide if it was from fear or too much liquid but he kept drinking anyway because it was warm and it soothed his nerves a little. Not much progress was being made on Kim being found.
Having calmed down a little, Porchay was able to gather the youngest son of the family had last been spotted exiting a café near his studio this morning. He had wanted to scoff because that practically meant nothing and it was something he would have been able to find on the Internet in minutes by asking the right people on social media. That café was a famous spot among the fans. On some days Porchay had been proud of being a part of such a sane fandom because there had rarely been known accidents of fans stalking Wik there, demanding autographs or photos or general attention. Porchay was pretty sure that if that happened, Kim would have very quickly changed his usual route. It would have been annoying to the general person and Kim would have had even less patience for it, no matter what nice persona he tried to show to the public. A man with so many secrets, someone who cherished his privacy that much wouldn’t appreciate being bombarded on his way to work.
Still, he had expected more from the mafia. Because there was nothing more after Kim went out a few hours later, presumably to have lunch somewhere. Arm had gone through all city cameras in the vicinity and came up with nothing. It brought up something for Porchay he hadn’t considered before.
“Why doesn’t Kim have guards like the rest of us?”
Porchay had never seen a bodyguard tailing Kim in all his interactions with him. Granted, at first he hadn’t known what to look for, hadn’t even considered the possibility Kim would need one. But looking back, he never saw anyone with him. Not when Kim came to his house to tutor him, not around his apartment building /though that was a bit of a muddy territory as there were a lot of people on the move there/, not when they first met at university which had been a small event but still. There had been a small crowd there and still nothing. Porchay had seen the preparations that went around any outing that Kinn did. He was the heir and clan head but Kim was his little brother and a member of this fucking family, why was he wandering around the city unprotected?
“Kim doesn’t like being followed, never had,” Tankhun said, sounding and looking very tired.
“He slips his guards, usually,” Kinn added with a displeased frown that hadn’t left his face since Porchay walked into the room. “He’d made it very clear he will only tolerate anyone we assign to him only if he feels like it. It’s a problem I’ve tried to talk to him in the past about but-“ His face twisted in a painful way, like he’d tasted something awful or recollecting an unpleasant memory. “It didn’t go well. It never does with him.” He finished quietly, turning his head to look out the window.
Porchay had wanted to scoff but held it in because he’d never gathered the courage to be that disrespectful to Kinn. Kim being stubborn, who else was surprised? But was that enough reason to be careless? The danger of being kidnapped was very real in their life, Porchay himself could vouch for that. You don’t give in just because one of them kicks up a fuss, you get them a couple of bodyguards anyway. Porsche had done it with him. He had done it with himself even though Porchay knew he found it weird.
“So then what? What do we do now?”
“The ransom note said we’ll get more details at midnight,” Arm said, barely looking up from the laptop. “We’re trying to keep our ear to the ground until then, see if something unusual is happening that someone doesn’t want us to know about. We’ve sent people to all groups that are loyal to us to see if they’ve heard something. As soon as I get a hint at what direction to look, we’ll-“
“Does he even have that time?” Porchay couldn’t help but ask. His voice was at its breaking point but he managed to ask, “What if he’s already dead?”
“You can’t think like that.” Porsche, who was sitting right next to him, tried to soothe him. “If they wanted him dead, it would have happened already, they would be sending us a corpse. If they are taunting us with a note, it means they want something from us.”
A corpse. Six corpses, lying in all kinds of positions on the floor of the bar. Porchay hadn’t dared approach, hadn’t even thought of checking but he had just known they were still warm. Blood and shattered glass and overturned chairs. Him standing meters away from it, completely unaware.
Bile rose up his throat, bitter and disgusting. He gripped the porcelain cup harder but didn’t even try to take another sip. The sugary tea wouldn’t help. In fact, he was scared he would throw up everything he had drank all at once right here in his lap.
Suddenly feeling cold, he pulled up the blanket higher and closed his eyes, shutting out the room, feeling so completely hopeless.
Should he pray? He needed to do something but this thing was so new and so scary and he was helpless. There was nothing he could do. He couldn’t track down Kim himself. He wouldn’t be able to do anything to release him from his captors when they did find him. He would just be in the way. He hadn’t been able to help himself when he had been in the same situation. Would it be the like that for Kim? Would he just have a few moments of fright until he lost consciousness, only to wake up after everything had finished and he was somewhere safe again? Porchay wanted that for him. He didn’t want him to remember. He didn’t want him to hurt. He wanted him back.
He lifted his hand to wipe the single tear that had slipped out and was tickling his cheek. It was almost funny how this little incident was putting things in perspective for him. He had been agonizing for weeks about what to do with the Kim situation, if he should unblock him, if he should reply to his numerous attempts to speak to him. Now the prospect of never reconciling with Kim terrified him. If something happened to him-
If something happened to him and they never got the chance to straighten things out, that would be what hurt the most in this ocean of pain and mistrust and lies. Kim had tried to reach out to him but Porchay hadn’t been ready to listen. Was he never going to find out what he had wanted to tell him? Was this to be their end?
The possibility hurt more than anything had before. He didn’t want that. This impasse they had found themselves in where Porchay was angry and Kim seemingly regretful but still so closed off and still so confusing had been torturous. But to never see him again? He loved him, still. The betrayal hadn’t been enough to rid him of that. Porchay was sure he would forever love him. So, he wanted to see him again. He wanted to hear him, touch him again. In this moment he wanted it more than he had ever wanted anything. His broken heart suddenly didn’t matter at the prospect of losing that opportunity forever. He wanted him.
How much time had they lost? Had they both been too stubborn, too prideful for too long? Could they have figured this out sooner? What was Porchay supposed to do with all of that?
“I think I found him!” Arm suddenly exclaimed and opening his eyes, Porchay was scared he’d imagined what he was so desperate to hear. Only, no, through the frantic beating of his heart, he could see the others in the room reacting to the words as well. Tankhun shot up from his seat like a bullet to stand next to Arm, Kinn went to join them and he saw Porsche tense next to him and lean forward, impatient for more information. “At the port, near the east quay, there has been some subtle disturbance reported at one of the docks forty minutes ago. I’m sending someone to check it out further but- No, there’s a picture, it’s enough for me.”
Arm leaned back only to immediately pick up his phone and start to text someone. Porchay discarded the blanket and left the cup somewhere without a second glance. With his heart in his throat, he joined the others.
It was a grainy picture taken from god knows which security camera but it was good enough to see a white van and two big men, carrying someone with a bag over their head. The low building looked like some storage unit near the water but it was completely deserted even though it was the middle of the day.
“Is that him?” Porsche asked from right behind him, having followed him apparently.
“It is.” He answered before anyone else could. It was, it had to be. Porchay wasn’t that familiar with Kim’s wardrobe to know all his clothes but he recognized his build. It was his height, subtly muscled but still lean and, call him crazy, but he was sure he recognized his hands even in shitty pixels. He had stared at them often enough from all angles. It was him. From forty minutes ago. That was a lot of time and a lot of things could have happened. Could be happening right this minute.
“Get a team ready.” Kinn started and went straight for the door, Arm following closely after him, the laptop carefully balanced in his hands. Porchay took advantage of the commotion in the room when Tankhun also headed for the exit and so did his bodyguards, to take Porsche’s hand and keep him with him. He waited until the room was empty.
“Hia, I want to come.” He made himself straighten up, trying to appear as grown up and mature as he could. He knew he had one shot at this.
“What? Absolutely not-“
“Please listen to me.” It was a struggle not to sound like a deranged person, knew that wouldn’t help his case. He was scared but he needed to push that down. He needed to convince his older brother. “I need to be there. I can’t stay and just wait for news. Please. Please, I am beginning you. I promise I’ll be a safe distance away. I promise. I’ll do anything to protect myself and not be in the way of Kinn’s men but I have to be there when they get him out. I need to see him. Please.” His voice broke on the last word but he managed to stand his ground. He was gripping Porsche’s sleeve as hard as he could. The idea of being abandoned here, not knowing what was going on, and having to wait for any news on Kim’s status, terrified him. He almost preferred that if he had to be here, Porsche stayed with him. He was scared he would fall apart at the seams left to his own devices.
Time seemed to stand still after. Porchay felt bared to the bone, completely at his brother’s mercy. And Porsche just stood there, as if for all eternity, and just looked at him. His lips were slightly parted, there was a deep wrinkle on his forehead and his eyes were roving all over Porchay’s face. Porchay let him look. If there was anything there that would help convince him, let him look.
“I don’t understand.” Porsche huffed in the end, shaking his head a little but not trying to get away. Porchay continued to cling to him. “I don’t understand what’s making you react this way. You’ve been shaking and being pale as a sheet for the past hour when you barely know this man. I mean, Kinn told me he’s actually Wik and I know he’s your favorite musician but-“
“That’s not true.”
“What?”
“I do know him. Something happened when you went to work for Kinn. And I didn’t tell you because-“ Maybe he should have. Maybe he should have asked for help. Maybe, if this had a tragic ending, that would have bought him some more time with Kim. The thought sent ice through his veins, so he forced himself to move forward. “Because we haven’t been talking lately. Not really, not like before.”
Porsche flinched on that but he didn’t try to argue. Their relationship hadn’t been the same these past few months, they were both aware of that.
“What happened?” He asked quietly.
“I got to spend time with him, I got to know him,” Porchay said simply, only half truthful. He didn’t know Kim, not really. He thought he knew a lot, he thought he knew enough to say he loved him but there was still so much Kim had kept hidden. He also wanted to know more, he realized. He wanted more time with him. He wanted his secrets, his quirks, he wanted to make music with him again. He wanted to forgive him and he wanted to be with him. There was so much he wanted. “He’s important. I- Please. Don’t make me stay back. I knew you wouldn’t want to stay back if it was Kinn.”
Porsche’s eyes widened at that, at the implication Kim could be as important to him as Kinn was to Porsche.
“Oh, Porchay, that’s- did I really miss that?” His face crumbled right in front of him. He covered Porchay’s fist with his other hand. “Okay then. Okay, we will- We’ll figure it out. If you promise not to do anything reckless.”
Porchay shook his head vehemently, if he kept it up for more than a few seconds, he knew it would make him dizzy. He was pulled and easily went into a hug.
“I’m scared.” He admitted into his brother’s shoulder.
“It’s okay. We found him and he’s going to be okay.” Porsche said firmly. He rubbed his back with strength.
“I don’t know what I’ll do if he’s not.”
“Let’s not think about that yet. Things are not that bad. You hear me?” He pulled back to look at him. “He’s going to be okay.” He repeated.
Things moved fast after that. The ground floor was a flurry of activity though Porsche tried to shield him from most of it, not leaving him alone for a second. He thought he got a glimpse of Mek for a second but he wasn’t paying much attention and then he was being lead to a car. Porsche got in next to him, holding his hand and Porchay just curled into a ball around him, soaking up all the comfort he could. He wasn’t seeing any of the scenery outside also, it was just a memory of a blur of colours by the time they neared the Chao Phraya River.
He went to open the door but Porsche held him in place in his seat.
“We’ll wait here for a minute.” He said and his expression firmly showed there would be no room for arguments. Porchay obediently stayed in place. He looked out the window but couldn’t see anything more interesting than a parking lot and some trees. He couldn’t hear anything. Their men were gathered together to discuss something and then they spread in little formations somewhere far ahead. Kinn had stayed behind with three of his guards. Arm was there as well. They were talking. They looked focused and calm.
“You’ll tell me if something happened.” He said, not tearing his eyes away from them. He knew Porsche woke an earpiece, he had seen him put it in.
“Of course.” He squeezed his hand.
Porchay’s heart lurched no more than two minutes later when he heard the distinct sounds of shots fired and he saw Kinn gesticulating, heard him shout “Keep an eye on him!” to someone but he still stayed in the car, trying to keep his breathing even. He was going to ask if they could lower the window a little bit just for the fresh air when Porsche spoke.
“Do you want to tell me about it? You and Kim?”
Porchay wasn’t sure that was a good idea. He didn’t want, if Kim made it out of here alive, to be strangled a minute after that by Porsche for breaking his little brother’s heart. Besides, Porchay may have decided he was ready to reevaluate their history, he may want to try at a relationship but he didn’t know what Kim wanted. If he only felt guilty or something but wanted nothing more to do with Porchay, then no more people needed to know the details of their story. Porchay would go and lick his wounds in private and everything would remain as it was. There was no need for added tension between his brother and Kim. He didn’t want to be the reason for turbulence in Porsche’s relationship with his lover, as well. If something good came out of this bloody mess, it was them. Sometimes, when he was feeling loneliest, when he missed his home the most, he only needed to look at Porsche and Kinn together and he felt better.
“I met him at a school thing and he started tutoring me how to play guitar. I had no idea who his family was.”
“That’s it?” Porsche prompted when no more followed.
“There’s more but I- I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
One man that was standing next to Kinn pulled out his gun and went in the same direction as the others. He tensed but there was no comment from Porchay and Kinn didn’t look more frantic than he was a second ago, so he continued with his measured breaths.
“You guys had something?”
“Something,” Porchay mumbled. Should he have pushed back then? When he confessed his love and Kim gave him nothing more than “I’m hungry”, he let him get away with it because at this point it was obvious Kim wasn’t open about his feelings. Porchay had thought he’d wait him out. Kim had his tells. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t hide he wasn’t indifferent towards him. Porchay had decided not to see his coldness as a red flag because he was aware of how overeager he had been and had been ready to accept anything from Kim and be satisfied.
But maybe he should have waited and been more cautious. Maybe he should have looked more closely at Kim’s interest in Porsche, maybe he should have protected himself more and not jumped head-first into a relationship with his crush.
“Fuck.” Porsche said suddenly and he stood ramrod straight in his seat, looking at him straight away.
“What? What’s happening?” He didn’t know where to look, at Porsche or outside. He chose Porsche because they weren’t close enough to where things were happening and he knew his brother better than Kinn who he would have a harder time reading, even if he would be more invested in his own brother’s well-being.
And then- then Porsche grinned, throwing him for another loop.
“Looks like he’s decided he’s going to save himself.”
“What does that mean?”
“Our men reached the place he’s been held but it looks like Kim has managed to free himself just now and is wreaking havoc in his captors, Bas’ words, not mine. They’re trying to assist.”
“But he’s okay?”
“He’s not seriously injured.”
Porchay narrowed his eyes at that, not particularly liking how it sounded. He looked out the window again, the shots were non-stopping now. He pulled his hand free, squirming in his seat. He ran a hand through his hair, twice. He rubbed his damp palms over his knees. He wanted to crawl right out of his skin.
“I need some air. Can we go outside?”
“Okay but not further than-“
Porchay was already opening the door. He started pacing in circles, looking up at Porsche at every turn for updates. This was agonizing, he decided. Maybe instead of being more cautious, he should wish instead for never meeting the man. Never heard his music. This whole being-in-love thing was stressing him the hell out. It couldn’t be good for his heart.
He was close to starting to cry again from sheer desperation when Porsche stood right in front of his path, stopping him by putting both his hands on his shoulders.
“Chay, they’ve got him. It’s over.”
The shots had stopped. He hadn’t noticed, he’d been too lost in his head.
“He’s okay?” He croaked out. Huh, so he had started crying again.
“He’s okay. They’re coming over here.”
He turned him to the west. He knew it was the west because the sun was starting to set and he had to pull up a hand to shield his eyes. He held his breath. Then he felt stupid for it because nothing happened for many minutes and he couldn’t hold his breath for that long. Okay, back to slowly breathing.
C’mon! C’mon, damn it! He could see nothing but a narrow dirt road between a row of rusted sheet metal workshops or something with grass as high as his waist alongside them.
The road made a curve maybe thirty meters ahead on the right, he assumed if someone was going to show up, it would be from there. He wanted to go up on the turn to look out but Porsche still had a hand on his right shoulder, anticipating him. Porchay gritted his teeth and stood still. Breathing. He was breathing. Kim was okay and he was going to turn up soon. Any second now.
His legs were shaking. And he felt like he was close to a heart attack but nothing of that mattered because then-
“Kim!” He screamed at the top of his lungs. There was so much force behind the shout, that he actually felt a sharp tingling in his throat, and were he in his right mind, he would be genuinely worried he’d severed a vocal cord or something.
He started running, barely feeling the road under his shoes. Kim looked up sharply at him, his face incredulous, it was obvious Porchay was the last person he had expected to see here. The distance between them was disappearing in the flashes between his heartbeats and it was like in between one blink and the next that he reached him, only he was sure he hadn’t closed his eyes even for a second.
He threw himself into his arms, pressing as close as he could get. Kim embraced him right away and Porchay tried to find comfort in the fact that it was over. Kim was standing on his own two feet, he didn’t seem to be hurt too badly, at least not at first glance. He could feel him breathing against him. He was alive.
“Are you okay? Please, tell me you’re okay.” He pleaded against the skin of his neck. He smelled wrong. Of sweat, and gun powder, and blood. Holding him now, Porchay still had trouble convincing himself he was safe.
“What are you doing here?” Kim was whispering but still holding him just as tightly. “Who let you be here? It’s not safe for you to-“
With no impulse control to speak of, Porchay simply leaned forward and pressed his trembling lips against Kim’s, interrupting all further questions. If you asked him a day ago if he thought he would ever be getting the kiss he would never want to admit he craved, Porchay would tell you he still hadn’t made up his mind if he was willing to forgive Kim for breaking his heart. But even if he was, he would have never imagined this was how it would happen. Near an abandoned part of a shipping port, both of them covered in questionable substances and their brothers standing just behind them, seeing every second of this.
It didn’t make the kiss, their first real kiss, any less perfect of course. Kim’s lips were soft against his, the hand that had went to support his neck sure and steady. Kim had needed a second to overcome his shock but once that happened, the arm around his waist tightened and Porchay felt a tongue push for entrance and he gave up all control. His blood was boiling all around his body as he was being kissed with a hunger that he was certain could sweep him somewhere far away if he let it, only that wasn’t what he feared.
He was crying again. If something didn’t give soon, he was going to have another panic attack, he could feel it.
“Kim, please.” He hiccupped when they parted. He used his fingers to pull a strand of hair off his forehead and then continued to caress his face, tracing his cheeks, his nose, the lips he had just kissed. There was a drop of blood just on the edge of his chin that he absent-mindedly wiped away, not caring he now probably had the blood of someone else on his fingers. Kim was here, nothing else mattered.
“I’m okay.” He finally said, seemingly understanding Porchay needed to hear the words directly from him, no matter he was being held by him, no matter he could see it with his own eyes.
Porchay collapsed against his chest and cried for a very long time.
Kim had a lot of bruises and cuts and a nonserious gunshot wound that was bleeding but required nothing more than a few stitches to prevent infection. The bullet had just grazed him, on his left side, just over his ribs. He refused all pain medication and sat there stone-faced and barely twitching while a doctor worked on him. He had drunk half a bottle of 750 ml of mineral water and refused to eat anything. Porchay knew all of that because he had refused to let him leave his sight for a second since the port. They rode the same car and Porchay followed him like a puppy when they reached the main compound all the way to the medical facilities so that someone could treat him. He didn’t even avert his gaze when Kim had to pull off his shirt so that all his scrapes and bruises could be treated. Porchay was breathing. Because Kim was in front of him and he was okay.
He was still grateful he was able to sit because his legs still felt a little weak. And his eyes were really puffy and feeling tender from all the crying he had been doing today. He sipped from his own bottle of water, leaning back in his chair.
“Here, at least you eat something.” Porsche appeared next to him, holding a cup of instant noodles that he had to admit smelled amazing.
“Thank you.” He accepted the food, glad it was easy enough to eat and he could still keep an eye on Kim. The man stitching up Kim seemed to be finishing up, listing off medications to a nurse who was standing close by to fetch for him that he then put next to Kim.
“You feeling a little bit better?” Porsche asked him quietly.
“A little bit, yeah.” He said between one bite and the next, careful not to burn his tongue.
“Good.” He patted his knee in comfort. “How are things looking here?”
“Just stitches. He’s going to be okay.” He was. Breathe, Chay. Another bite. They all would be okay.
He was finished with his dinner by the time the doctor was finished with Kim. He took one step back and gave him an appraising look. Kim looked back at him, an absolutely unreadable expression on his face. They stared at each other in silence for what felt like an eternity. Porchay wanted to scream. Also contemplated maybe switching majors and going for medicine, instead. It seemed like a more sensible thing to do than music. In this new life, he bet there would be many instances when people he loved would be in need of medical care. And then at least he would have understood if there was something seriously wrong with Kim’s condition at the moment. He’s fine! Get it together.
“It seems like this will be it. He needs to eat something and take it easy for a couple of days. The stitches come off after a week.” The doctor said on his way out in the general direction of both brothers.
Being left on their own, the silence stretched between the three of them. Porsche was the first one to clear his throat.
“So, I talked with Kinn just now and Torak won’t be a problem anymore. You guys left a mess in there but-“
“I’ve seen worse.” Kim interrupted him, the epitome of calm and collected.
“Yeah, whatever. Kinn also wanted a meeting with you to talk about what exactly happened and some damage control. He’s pretty pissed someone dared to snatch you. I convinced him not to do it tonight so you could rest properly. I bought your ungrateful ass a full day, you’re getting a call sometime tomorrow. That reminds me.” He pulled out a phone and handed it to Kim. “We brought your car, everything you had on you and they took, should be in there.”
“Good, then I’m done here.” He pulled his shirt back on and Porchay tensed all over. Was he going to leave now? He opened his mouth but had nothing to say. He didn’t know how to make him stay.
“Why don’t you just sleep here?” Porsche asked. “You’re injured and you heard the doctor, you need to eat something. We can-“
“I’m not staying here,” Kim said with a finality that made a shiver go down Porchay’s back. There was some history behind that statement, he knew it instinctively. His shoulders slumped forward and he felt defeated. “This is no longer my home. Years ago I fought really hard to make it so and there’s no way I’m undoing all of that just for a scratch.”
Kim looked at him then. He had gathered himself in the last hour and now they had company, so it was damn hard once again to read him. But Porchay saw something flick over in his eyes when their gazes met and held for long seconds. His heart was beating faster. He was speaking before he knew what he was going to say.
“Let me come with you.”
“Chay.” His brother said next to him but he could hear it was half-hearted. Porsche was curious, he guessed. He had learned just today there had been something happening between them and now he wanted to see them interact or something. Porchay knew he would need to talk to him and soon but didn’t care about it at the moment.
Kim had frozen at this request. He hesitated and his eyes widened the tiniest bit and he just seemed as if he held his breath and waited to see if Porchay would take it back. Then he looked amazed when it didn’t happen. Porchay was going to stay firm. He wanted to talk with him even though any discussion of their past filled him with anxiety but what was even more terrifying was letting him slip into the night after almost losing him. It must have been confusing for Kim, too. Porchay had been avoiding all contact like his life depended on it and now he wanted to follow him home? No wonder he looked like someone had smacked him over the head.
He straightened up once again in his seat when Kim seemingly unconsciously made a few steps over to him before he came to a stop just out of reaching distance. Porchay swallowed nervously. He wanted to stand up so they weren’t at different levels but just lifted his chin up. His hands were slightly shaking and held no illusions the other hadn’t noticed. And yet-
“Can I?” He asked timidly. If he was refused, oh, he didn’t even want to think about it. But, of course, he would let it go. Porchay was done with forcing his way into places he wasn’t wanted. His heart simply couldn’t take it. But his heart was also pounding with burning hope and he didn’t have the strength to put it out, even when the silence stretched. He was a fool, wasn’t he? How many times would he need to get burned by this man to learn his lesson?
“Chay.” The way he was saying his name. A part of his mind registered the carton cup that now held nothing more than the remaining mouthful of broth from his dinner was crumbling from the pressure he was applying. He was pretty sure his lower lip was trembling too, he could feel it. “You- If that’s what you want. Of course you can.”
His exhale was audible in the room. He felt a flush of shame when he realized this whole thing was happening right in front of his brother. For a second there he had honestly forgotten he was here too. He sneaked a peak at him now.
Porsche was flicking his eyes between the two of them, obviously contemplating something. He was also frowning. Porchay was quick to start talking before he convinced himself Porchay leaving with Kim was a bad idea.
“It’ll be fine. I’ll be perfectly safe and-“
“Safe? We just had to rescue him from his kidnappers, you realize?”
“I could have handled that myself.” Kim scoffed, clearly offended at the notion he’d needed rescuing. It was a little bit adorable but Porchay couldn’t afford to focus on that right now.
“You just said the people responsible for that would be taken care of. Surely he won’t be kidnapped twice in one day?” He tried to reason with him. He was still new to this whole mafia thing but even to him the idea sounded too far-fetched. But Porsche wasn’t finished.
“Maybe not. But you really want me to be okay with letting my 18-year-old brother spend the night with the boyfriend I just learned about today?”
The implication was obvious and Porchay wanted the ground to just swallow him forever. He had to satisfy himself with just letting out a quiet whimper and curling up a little bit into himself.
“Hia, we’re not exactly- nothing’s going to happen.” He mumbled, no daring look up from the floor.
“I would never do anything he’s not ready for. I would never touch him without his clear consent.” Kim said. It was a vow or at least it sounded like one. It was ridiculous. Porchay wasn’t a medieval maiden who needed permission from his parental figure before being wooed. He was also a virgin and on very unstable ground with his ex who had hurt him deeply. He wasn’t going to jump into his bed just because he was relieved Kim was okay. He had some common sense left.
“Yeah, consent is not really what I’m worried about. He’s still a teenager and in love with you, everyone with eyes can see it-“
“Hia!” He yelled. That was enough. His feelings towards Kim were a topic for a future conversation he very much wanted to keep private. He appreciated Porsche being worried and protective over him and his innocence, that was his right as an older brother, but Porchay couldn’t handle discussing these things with him when he hadn’t yet with Kim. Leave the fact that they weren’t even boyfriends, and had never been. And his love could very much turn out to be one-sided, still. “I told you, nothing is going to happen. And even if it was, it’s going to be my decision. I’m old enough to decide that for myself.”
Had he thought about having sex with Kim? Absolutely. Very often, in detail. But they were in absolutely no way ready to cross that bridge, and maybe they never would. Maybe there would be no “they”. Porchay had had enough stress for the day, he couldn’t think about his wet dreams on top of it.
“Please, just.” He buried his fingers in his own hair, pulling a little in his frustration. “I’m going. I’m taking my phone with me. I’ll be fine.” He hoped. “I’ll be back sometime tomorrow and then we’ll talk, okay? I’ll answer all your questions.”
He sucked in a breath when he realized what he’d said. He quickly looked up at Kim to see if there had been any bad reaction to his words. Shit, maybe he should have said I’ll be back soon. A little bit presumptuous of him to invite himself over to Kim’s place for the whole night, no matter Porsche had assumed the same thing. But maybe Kim didn’t want him there for the whole time. Maybe if this grand conversation of theirs didn’t go very well because maybe they wanted different things, Porchay didn’t even himself know what he wanted at this point, then Kim would like to kick him out.
Well. If worst comes to the worst, maybe he could take the couch. Or had someone drive him back here.
Kim just looked at him, not giving any indication something in Porchay’s words had made an impression on him. Was that a good or a bad thing?
He looked back at Porsche who was squinting on him with his lips tightly pressed.
“You are correct that you’re not a small child anymore. That doesn’t mean I have to like it.” Then he smiled at him. “I’ve always trusted you. I know you can take care of yourself.” He looked at Kim and the smile was gone.
“If something happens to him-“
“It won’t.” He cut him off. They locked gazes for so long, that Porchay thought it would never end. It was a good thing Porsche didn’t know their full history. He wouldn’t have been so quick to let Porchay go. He would have probably locked him in a room with a guard in front of his door, in fact. And not let Kim anywhere near him for a very long time.
“So are we going then?” He stood up and went to throw the empty cup of noodles in the trash.
“You’re taking guards with you,” Porsche ordered, pointing a finger at Kim, leaving no room for arguments. Kim didn’t even attempt it, he just nodded. Porchay hurried to go after him, saying his goodbyes to Porsche over his shoulder.
Going through the now familiar corridors towards the grand entrance, Porchay made sure to keep close to Kim, afraid he’d change his mind and leave him behind. He certainly wasn’t looking back at him, just moving forward, one foot in front of the other. Porchay hated he had to rely on his very poor medical knowledge, trying to pick up any hidden injuries. He wouldn’t put it past him to try to hide if something hurt because he didn’t feel it was important enough. He definitely seemed the type to bear pain in silence. But he wasn’t limping, not even a little bit, so his legs must be fine. He couldn’t hear any distortion of his breathing and if any of those bruises along his chest had meant a cracked rib or something, this was a good sign surely. Though the doctor would have noticed something that serious. Right? And he was walking a straight line, probably not dizzy. Was he really fine? Porchay was losing his mind a little.
There was already a car waiting for them and one of the guards handed Kim the keys. Porchay turned around when he heard someone running towards them. It was Mek and he had two more men with him that were only familiar faces for Porchay.
“You’re driving behind us.” Kim ordered as soon as they stopped by them.
“Yes, Khun Kim.” Mek bowed respectfully and one of the guys hurried towards the garage, to get a car. Kim opened the door and got in, Porchay was quick to follow, but he did wait, didn’t even start the engine. Porchay closed his door with a gentle click, put on his seatbelt, and tried to make himself as small as possible, tried to breathe as quiet as possible. He kept his gaze firmly in his lap, very aware of the thickening silence between them. He didn’t know if he should attempt to break it. Would it be ridiculous to attempt small talk after what almost happened today and when they haven’t really spoken for almost two months? Should he have sat in the back seat? Well, it was too late for that now, it would have been weird with just the two of them in the car.
How was it possible to sit so close next to someone, to be able to touch him if you just angled your elbow right, and yet to feel so far away from him?
Kim didn’t seem interested in words. Porchay chanced just one glance in his direction and the man looked completely lost in his thoughts, one hand on the wheel, tracing the leather. This was going to be a long drive, Porchay thought in dismay.
Until finally, finally the other car was here and they were in motion and he could pretend to be fascinated by the view outside. Well, it was pretty, he guessed. It was getting dark and every business along the boulevards tried to temp customers n with bright lights, be it restaurants or shops. And so many small yellow boxes from people’s homes. Porchay remembered being fascinated by that when he was a child. How other people lived. This city had a population of more than 11 million people. What secrets hid behind closed curtains? He had loved so much being a guest at all of his classmates’ houses, Porsche’s friends, so he could look around and see how different the furniture was placed, what knickknacks they had laying around. What people lived there. What it was like to have a big family occupying the same space.
“Are you cold?” Kim said next to him and he jumped a little.
“I’m sorry?”
“You’re hunching in on yourself as if you’re cold.” He glanced at him when they stopped at a red light.
“No.” He straightened in his seat. “I’m not.”
Kim opened his mouth as if to say something but then reconsidered and the silence continued for the remainder of the drive.
Kim parked in front of his building, leaving the keys in the ignition when he got out. Mek and the others were close behind them, Porchay thought they would take care of the car. He watched them curiously, to see how far they would follow them. There was no communication with Kim, that must mean they knew their orders. So he had the occasional bodyguard, they just didn’t follow him everywhere. But at least the building was being watched.
He caught Mek’s eyes. He was going through the entrance with them. Porchay sighed, feeling weird about him keeping guard in front of Kim’s door or something, there was no way he would be allowed inside for the night. He knew Mek was used to it, he watched Porchay’s floor on the regular. But that was the compound, this was a regular building. Wouldn’t any of the residents ask questions if they saw a man in a suit just standing there all night? Or he would go somewhere else once he saw them go safely inside?
Kim didn’t say anything about Mek when the three of them entered the elevator. He didn’t even acknowledge his presence. He supposed he was used to being followed by bodyguards after living with them his whole life.
“When’s the end of your shift?” He asked.
“In a couple of hours Dew will replace me.” He smiled at him. “Would you like something brought from your room, Chay?”
“I’m good.” Well, he could have used his pajamas or something, his toothbrush, but it was his fault for not thinking of that sooner. He still hated inconveniencing people, he wasn’t going to make yet another person trek all the way here just for that.
The elevator’s doors opened and they stepped into the corridor. Porchay hesitated.
“You, uh-“ He didn’t even know what to ask. “You’ll just stay here?”
“I’ll make a couple rounds on all floors, then step outside and go to the others. Don’t worry about us. Have a good night.”
“Yeah, you too.” He almost gave an awkward wave but stopped himself at the last second. Kim was holding his door open for him. And Porchay promptly forgot about all his concerns about bodyguards' placement. He passed him. He was in. It felt like a big moment even though it probably wasn’t.
Leaving his shoes by the door and looking around the apartment was so weird. He’d forgotten the smell, he realized. Everyone’s home had a different smell and usually, it wasn’t good or bad, and it could change if you’ve cleaned recently or you were cooking something and it was really hard to describe it with words. It was simply a smell that hit you after you opened the front door and then it disappeared in a few minutes because you got used to it. Porchay no longer could detect something different in his room back in the compound because he’d become a regular occupant there but sometimes he was curious if he’d notice something in his childhood’s house.
And Kim’s apartment. He breathed in now, trying to be subtle and yet take in as much as his lungs could contain. That was a good smell, though he didn’t know where it was coming from. The air here was simply comforting. It was quiet and felt tucked away somehow, it felt like a big space and- and he’d missed it, more than he’d realized. All this time Kim was the one that felt like a bleeding wound on his heart that tugged uncomfortably when he moved wrong. He’d been here only a handful of times and he’d somehow forgotten this space had had meaning as well. Stepping in it felt like he was finally coming home.
How was that possible? Why here felt more like home than his room in the tower?
“Is everything okay?” Kim broke the silence. He stood a foot from him, having just closed and locked the door. He looked at him so uncertain, almost scared like he expected Porchay to change his mind any second now and bolt.
“You have food in here? I didn’t forget what the doctor said.” He tried to smile but he didn’t think it came out very genuine. He dropped it and sighed.
“I do. Enough for two as well. If you want something more than that cup of noodles.”
“I’m good.” He shrugged. He felt kind of bloated, actually. He didn’t want to drink or eat anything more tonight.
“Okay then. Come on.” He led him further in.
The layout hadn’t changed at all. A person’s eyes were still automatically drawn to the big portrait that was hung on the wall directly from the entrance. The first time Porchay saw it he thought it was beyond weird to keep something like that in your living room unless you had a special reason. Thinking back on it, he wondered if there was a hidden safe or something like that behind it. He had seen it in movies often enough and knowing who Kim was and from what kind of family he came from, he wouldn’t be surprised. It was a very good work as well, Kim was painted just as devastatingly beautiful as he was in real life.
Beyond that, there was the comfortable sitting area they had occupied the most when Porchay was last here. A big and soft sofa, two armchairs, and a beautiful lounge chair in a cream colour Porchay had almost napped on once when he came here straight after school and had been tired. The guitars he always admired and had even been allowed to touch, one of them was propped up next to the coffee table, waiting to be picked up again. He saw an open notebook left there as well and his stomach clenched in curiosity and longing. He missed making music with Kim so much. He missed watching him play, he was breathtaking in those moments.
The doors to the balcony on the left were closed but he could remember so well sitting there, watching the trees sway from the nearby park. He had recognized that had been the backdrop when Kim had recorded their song. He had helped Kim water the damn plants that were thriving on that damn balcony once, giggling and blushing to the roots of his hair in pleasure for being allowed in this space, thinking he was welcome here and feeling grateful. The shame of being taken for a fool had smarted for weeks in the aftermath.
With bitterness in his mouth, he reoriented himself towards the kitchen, determined to make Kim eat something if it was going to kill him. It was as well stocked as always. Porchay didn’t know when Kim had learned to cook, if someone had shown him as a kid or he taught himself after he moved out, but he could say from past experience he was good at it. So he was pleasantly surprised but only a little when he opened the fridge and found containers of stored leftovers from a past meal. He put the stir-fried rice and noodles in the microwave, setting the timer with a few chimes. Kim observed silently, his face unreadable.
“Please.” He asked again, resting his forearm on the kitchen counter. Kim had been kidnapped today on his way to lunch most probably. He’d been hurt and now it was nearing 8 p.m. Porchay had trouble focusing on anything properly knowing he must be hungry and had to take more medication before going to bed tonight. He couldn’t do that on an empty stomach. Porchay wasn’t going to allow him.
But Kim said simply “yes, okay” and came to pull up a chair to sit in front of him. They were so close now, didn’t do anything to change it. They waited until the food was warm enough and Kim only sat up to wash his hands on the sink and sat back in the same place. Porchay kept himself busy with getting him a drink and washing the plastic box, he had transferred the food on a plate. Why had he done that again? Wouldn’t it have been easier to just heat up the pad thai as it was? He shook his head at himself, feeling all over the place once again. Well, it was better, now he had an excuse not to stare while Kim was eating, neither party would have felt comfortable doing that. The problem was it was just one box, it took two minutes to wash it. He did it twice, anyway, leaving it to dry on the rack and unnecessarily washing his hands as well.
Having no more excuses, he shut the water off and turned around, leaning against the sink. He crossed his arms in front of his stomach and just stuck his gaze on the floor a meter in front of his feet. He could hear nothing but his own breathing, the buzz from the refrigerator, and the quiet chewing from Kim.
This wasn’t awkward, he told himself. Then a second and a third time. It didn’t help.
Whatever, it was bound to end at some point. That rice wasn’t magical and there was only so much a person would need before he was full.
“Would you be okay on your own for a few minutes?”
“What?” He looked up, almost jumping in surprise, not having expected Kim to break the silence so soon. He was only half done with his plate.
“I want to take a shower after this.” He pointed down with his spoon.
“Don’t you have stitches? Those are not supposed to get wet, right?” He asked in concern. He absolutely could understand wanting to get clean, though.
“I have something I can cover them with.”
“Oh. Yeah, I mean. Do what you want to. I-“ He swallowed. “I’ll wait.”
His phone then. What the fuck was he doing, he was young, he was supposed to be glued to the thing! Of course, there was absolutely nothing on his social media that held his interest but at least it was something to do while Kim was finishing his meal. Still leaning against the sink, he pulled out his phone and started scrolling through Instagram, barely registering any posts but it passed the time.
He looked up only when he heard Kim putting down his utensils, his plate empty now. He saw him drinking some water and felt a sense of gratitude he had listened to him and so easily, a relief of the physical evidence he was taking care of himself. He hadn’t thought about that in the days passed, hadn’t realized he maybe had been a tiny bit worried about Kim. After all, it wasn’t like Kim was incapable of looking after himself but seeing him eat now was- it just felt good, he couldn’t explain it.
“I won’t be long.” He assured him. “Leave that, I’ll take care if it later.” He motioned towards the plate.
“I don’t mind.” He shrugged. Kim hesitated, like he was preparing to argue but for what reason Porchay couldn’t figure out. One plate, a fork and a spoon, a glass. It wasn’t that much of a work. “Go shower.”
“Okay then.”
He went to the table to grab the things but-
“Wait. Can you even reach the wound? I mean- do you need help with the bandages?”
Kim looked down to his side, uncertain. It wasn’t that difficult of a spot but Porchay had seen all the bruises that reached all the way to his back. If he had to be precise and make sure everything had to be covered properly-
“I think I can manage.” He didn’t sound very sure.
“Just- call me if you need help, okay? You don’t want those to get infected or something.”
Kim just nodded and finally headed to the bathroom and Porchay to the sink. He was rinsing the basin when the inevitable happened.
“Chay, can you come here for a minute?” He heard Kim call and quickly made his way to him. He pushed the door to the bedroom open and found Kim standing in front of his full-length mirror near his closet in a towel, naked from the waist up. He wore a defeated expression and if this was a different situation at a different time, Porchay would have been deeply amused.
Just one glance was needed for him to see the problem. Kim had managed to put some kind of water-proof covering over his wound but even from here Porchay could see it was probably difficult for him to move his shoulder right now because a good two centimeters were out and the thing wasn’t sticking right, all lopsided and creating bubbles of air around the edges where water would instantly go in.
“Let me fix that for you.” He asked and kind of didn’t wait for a reply before he was stepping closer and reaching for the adhesive edge. He pulled gently and then reapplied it higher so that the whole length of the wound was covered. He knew he shouldn’t have but he couldn’t restrain himself and let his fingers slide lower, tracing Kim’s side all the way down to his hip. It was just that his skin was so warm and felt so good beneath his fingertips. It hit him all over again that Kim was here, literally standing before him. Breathing, his heart beating. Alive.
“Tell me what you’re thinking, please.”
“I was scared something had happened to you and that was worse and hurt more than anything you have ever said to me.”
“I am so sorry.”
“I’m sure you didn’t plan to get kidnapped.” He said without much of a humor.
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
Porchay looked up at him, at his eyes. They were shining and for once his expression was open, naked. His regret was easy to see and Porchay dared even say it was genuine. But he already knew that, that had been established by Kim’s past tries to contact him. That wasn’t enough.
“You left me to think this thing between us didn’t mean anything to you.” He accused even though he didn’t even raise his voice. He was so tired. So hurt. Someone listening to do them would think this conversation didn’t mean anything to them with as much heat as they were putting into it. “That it was just a part of your investigation and I didn’t mean anything more to you than a target you could extract information from. I told you I loved you and you just- I asked you.”
“Chay, I lied. When I said I had no feelings for you, I lied. I wanted you to hate me. I wanted you far away from me because I didn’t trust myself to let you go. And I wanted to keep you so much. I’m not good for you.”
“That wasn’t your decision to make.”
“I know that now but I didn’t think it would turn out this way. I didn’t think our brothers would last, I couldn’t imagine you’d get so firmly integrated in our family, in our life. I wanted you far away from this shit. I wanted you safe.”
“That’s never going to happen, Kim. I’m part of this because my brother is part of this. There is no way out for me anymore.”
Kim looked pained by that. He looked regretful. Porchay wanted to ask. What was the reason Kim had moved out, what was the reason he had wanted to get away from the family business? Was it morals? It wasn’t because he didn’t have the stomach for it, Porchay had seen what he’d done with the minor’s family men. What was he trying to protect Porchay from? What had been his breaking point?
He had no illusion about the righteousness of this family but Kim looked too desperate for it to be a simple ‘I don’t want you involved in illegal shit’. There was something he didn’t know, something personal.
“I wish so much I could change that for you.” He sounded wistful, so sad, it was killing him to see him like this.
“I was so angry for so long.”
“You were in your right,” Kim put in, shaking his head. It was so weird, so different to see him so agreeable to everything. Porchay didn’t want to bully him or anything but it felt good to have his anger validated.
“Was this what you wanted to say when you were calling me all this time? That you’re sorry?”
Kim stood still. He could see him struggling with something. He instinctively wanted to help but stood in his place. He was still touching him, he was slowly rubbing his thumb just above his hipbone. The contact felt so good, so right after all this time. He felt Kim come to a decision and take in a deep breath. He took his face in the palms of his hands and Porchay allowed himself to close his eyes for just a second.
“I started investigating because I was suspicious of your brother. I stayed even when it was clear you didn’t know anything because I fell in love with you. I tried to push you away because I love you. And I couldn’t stay away for the same reason.”
He was determined to make him cry for the numerous time tonight, it seemed. His eyes were tearing up again.
“I kept calling because I was hoping you’d have it in your heart to forgive me. Because I want a second chance.” The last one was whispered as if Kim had used the last of his courage to say all that. Porchay reached up to grasp his wrists, trying to swallow past the growing lump in his throat. A tear had made its way all down to his fingers, warm and slippery. “Chay, Chay, please.” Kim started trying to wipe them all away, looking as if he was in physical pain himself watching him cry but the tears were a constant flow now even if he was crying mostly silently. The pain in his chest was expanding, threatening to swallow him whole. He feared that if he didn’t anchor himself soon, he would be swept away and disappear forever.
“I love you too.” He choked out. “I’m still angry but I love you. I never stopped even though it would have made this so much easier.” He was squeezing and releasing his fingers around Kim’s hands. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He needed some form of release but he didn’t know how to achieve it. Something had been building up in him for days now.
He wanted to go out on the terrace and scream until he was hoarse. He wanted to be cruel and hurt Kim back, make him grovel and beg for his forgiveness. He wanted to forget this had ever happened and simply pick up where they had left off, only this time better, with no more lies and hidden agendas. He wanted to go back in time and fix this. He wanted a clean slate for them.
Suddenly his hot breath was pushed back against his own lips and wet cheeks when Kim leaned in and rested his forehead against his. His hands slowly traveled down, squeezing his waist, though it wasn’t exactly a hug, there was too much space between their lower bodies. But he could still feel him, how warm he was. His own hands fell useless by his sides and he let him take in his weight. He still trusted him not to let him fall. Was sort of besotted fool that made him?
“I know I don’t deserve this but I’ll ask anyway.” Kim was saying, his voice barely a whisper but so close to him he was catching every word. He was speaking slowly, careful with the words and their meaning, knowing he wouldn’t get many more chances if he fucked this up. “Let me show you how sincere I am, let me show you how much you mean to me. Let me earn your love, Chay.”
His hand moving of its own accord, it was up in the air out of the blue and in Kim’s hair. He pulled, just a little, just to feel the resistance in his roots on the back of his head.
“You want me to trust you?” He whispered just as quietly.
“Yes. A chance. I would do anything to have that back. I know what I’m asking for.”
Kim had almost died today. Or at least in Porchay’s mind, he had been close to it, no one had been very forthcoming on the details about the abduction, people being too careful with coddling him. But the fact remained that for solid two hours or so today Porchay had feared for Kim’s life. And it had been agony. He kept all of that in mind when coming to a decision.
Two options, really. A clean cut, a final goodbye and he walks out of here and never being in Kim’s vicinity again, going back to avoiding him, only this time forever. Or giving in here and now and accepting they would start again but with the cracks from their previous breaking still visible and forever there. They would never get their perfect beginning, the past couldn’t be erased that easily. But there was hope there. If Porchay managed to get past his hurt, he knew there would be something in the future they could build together. They just clicked, it would be a waste to throw that away.
“I’m going to need a promise. You don’t make decisions for me, even when you think you know better, even if it’s for my own good.”
“Done.”
“I mean it, Kim. If we’re going to do this, we’ll do it right. There’s so much I don’t know about your world. But I want to be your equal. Explain to me when something’s dangerous or you think I’m making a mistake. I can’t- I won’t start anything with you if you always try to control this relationship for-“
“I don’t want to control you.” He pushed back to be able to look at him properly. “I don’t want to lie or keep secrets. I want to be your partner. I want you to trust me.”
“Good.” He swallowed. “So you promise?”
Kim gave him a weak smile, it was so unexpected and made him look like a young boy. When he’d moved, Porchay’s hand had slipped and now it was resting on his neck, he could feel how fast his pulse was. Kim reached now to take his other hand, interlacing their fingers.
“I promise to be honest with you. I promise to tell you when I think you’re endangering yourself without trying to control what you do. I promise to protect you, always.”
Porchay’s lips twitched a little at that. Of course he would add the last part. He was going to allow it, as long as it didn’t contradict the no-controlling part too much.
“No secrets?”
“No. No lies for your benefit. I promise.”
They stood like that, just observing each other. Kim was nervous, even though he was trying to hide it. Porchay’s mind was still racing.
You know what you want, reach out and grab it. He’s here and he’s yours
.
You almost lost him for the second time, what are you waiting for?
If this doesn’t work out, it’ll be the end of you. He leaves you again, you’re done for. You won’t survive it.
“What are you most afraid of?” He asked and had the pleasure to see Kim blink in confusion. Something told him that wasn’t a side of him many had been privy to.
“In general or-“
“You can tell me in general later. This, us. I told you I love you and I meant it but that doesn’t change the fact this still scares me. What scares you?”
This wasn’t a test, he told his guilty consciousness when he saw Kim flinch. He wasn’t testing him a minute after he’d demanded Kim’s honesty. He knew there were people like him who were closed off to the world either because it was their nature or because of circumstances. He believed with Kim it had been both and he wanted him to get comfortable with him. He wanted him to share secrets because he trusted him and wanted to share, not because he believed it was a requirement for them to be in a relationship. He didn’t want to pry him open, he wanted Kim to come to him. But he needed to know. He felt like he stood at the precipice of something life-changing and he just needed a little nudge in the right direction.
So now he watched him, trying to keep his face as blank as possible, trying to show as much patience as possible, not to rush him. It was still difficult to watch. Having processed the question, Kim instinctively tried to pull away, dropping their handholding even. Porchay felt his hand jerking in his, ready to slip away. He stopped himself in the last second even though Porchay had purposefully slacked his grip, he would have let him if that’s what he needed. He squeezed in gratitude and encouragement when Kim chose to stay.
The other thing was how his shoulders slumped just the slightest forward and at the same time his knees came closer together and he stood taller even by mere inches. It was a curious dichotomy between him wanting to run and hide and standing his ground, preparing to fight. He watched him ground his teeth together, his jaw jumping twice. His gaze escaped his and he looked all over the room twice between stopping at a point somewhere over Porchay’s left shoulder. His expressions were unguarded, Porchay saw anxiety and uncertainty and shame there. Then determination. He was deeply curious about what the response would be.
“I fear you’ll find me unworthy.”
He blinked, that being the last thing he would have expected.
“Unworthy in what sense?” He asked, uncertain.
“In any you can imagine. I think you and I fear a lot of the same things. I am afraid you will see me and find me lacking. Like I’m not good enough for you. I already know I’m not. I want to love you in the right way, the way you deserve but I’m afraid because I don’t know if I’m capable of that. You’re so precious to me. I have never- I’ve never had to take care of something like that. I’m afraid I’ll fail. I’m afraid to disappoint you.”
He was scared Porchay was going to leave. That heaviness that had been building inside him finally reached its breaking point, only it didn’t leave devastation in its wake but sweet relief. They did fear similar things. Porchay had probably somewhere along the way developed some nasty abandonment issues and he was sure Porsche leaving him all on his own to start a new job with a simple bullshit note had helped tremendously. He was afraid of being hurt again. He believed Kim when he said he loved him but was scared it would change in the future and he’d change his mind. And he didn’t know all of Kim’s issues yet. But it looked like he was also feeling inadequate. Strangely, that helped. That made him feel better in the sense he wasn’t alone in his insecurities. That made him think they could work on it together and help prop each other up when the other stumbled. That would make them real partners. That was everything Porchay had ever wanted.
“But you still want to try?” He asked, just to be sure.
“Angel, yes,” He breathed out with almost reverence. Porchay shivered to being addressed like that. “I would break myself a thousand times for the opportunity to have you, even for some time. I don’t care how much it would hurt after.”
“No. No, I don’t want you to enter this with the expectation of being hurt by me by the end of it. I think we’ve both been hurt enough. I want to do this with the expectation to be happy.”
Kim’s eyes widened and he licked his lips nervously. But his excitement couldn’t be hidden and it was contagious.
“Is that a yes? You want us to try?”
He guessed it was. No matter the fear, Porchay couldn’t twist his heart into rejecting this man and everything he had begun to mean to him in such a short time. He couldn’t separate from him, it would hurt too much.
“I want us to try. I want you.”
Kim’s smile was brilliant. It was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life, no competition. They both leaned in for their second kiss at the same time and it was kind of sloppy because they were both smiling too much and Porchay kind of wasn’t even that interested in kissing because he wanted to keep looking at Kim. He had purposely avoided all corners of social media where pictures and videos of him would appear in the last couple of months. He had spent nearly half a day glued to him but still had to get his fill.
He traced his right cheek where there was the faintest discoloring from a bruise and it made protective rage bloom in his chest at the thought someone had probably struck him. His eyes lowered, there were more bruises all over his torso, old and healed scars he didn’t know the history of. He wanted to, he wanted to know everything.
He got a little lightheaded realizing he was standing in front of him and he was half naked and Porchay kept touching and maybe he should stop. He looked up, getting shy from one second to the next. Kim was standing still, not saying anything, making no attempt to stop him, keeping his breaths steady. Not reaching for Porchay back.
“Maybe, um- maybe you should take that shower.” He mumbled, forcing himself to take a step back consciously. His fingers felt cold without Kim’s warmth. “And your medicine and then rest.”
“You’ll stay?” Kim asked, quietly and uncertain.
“I said I will.” He smiled at him. He briefly glanced at the bed. It was big enough for three people to sleep comfortably. Porchay didn’t doubt Kim would suggest something as ridiculous as him taking the couch for the night or something but he didn’t want him sleeping uncomfortably and he wanted to sleep next to him. He had dreamed of sleeping in his arms again. Those had been some of the best and worst dreams because of what he thought he had lost.
He would put his foot down. Fuck what Porsche was so scared of, they could sleep in the same bed without endangering his chastity.
“I’ll wait in the living room. We can- I don’t know, watch a movie? Or do you want to sleep?”
It was still too early for Porchay, even with all the excitement of the day. But if Kim was that tired, he would gladly curl up next to him. Go through one of his luxury editions of musician’s biographies or the tons of other books he had in his collection on a couple of shelves. Or watch something on his phone with headphones on.
“No, not yet.” He shook his head. “I’m fine with a movie.”
“Ok, I’ll pick something by the time you’re done here.”
With one last glance around the room, he turned on his heel and went out, closing the bedroom door with a soft click.
His fall down on the couch wasn’t dramatic per se but- it was a fall back, he didn’t sit. He felt physically tired and emotional. He picked up the remote and even turned the TV on but his mind was replaying what just happened, he wasn’t focusing on the movies available in any way.
The Conversation happened, he could even say he was happy with the result. He didn’t feel lighter or worse though. He guessed he was still processing and it would hit him in a few minutes he had agreed to try again with Kim.
He was still nervous. No regrets, he just knew they’d made the right decision but he wasn’t sure what followed. What did dating Kim look like?
He started laughing quietly to himself a second later because- what was he doing? Did it matter? Did he have to have a solid plan when it was possibly better for them to figure it out together?
And, thinking back, what exactly was Kim’s experience? There had been no gossip about Wik dating anyone no matter how hard every one of his fans had looked over the years. And he knew that didn’t mean much, celebrities hid relationships all the time. But knowing what he knew about Kim as a person, knowing he was in danger of presuming, Porchay didn’t see him as someone who let people in easily so it was possible he had never been involved with anyone romantically. So maybe he was just as clueless as he was? Well, that was going to be fun, he thought sarcastically. They were both head over heels in love with each other it seemed, had bad history they had to work through and didn’t know what they were doing. He might as well jump off Kim’s very beautiful balcony and save them both the misery.
Porchay, in his desperation, went to a Most Popular list and started going through those, hoping something would catch his eye. What kind of movies did Kim like, anyway? He didn’t know, it had never come up. Did he find romantic comedies cringy and action movies ridiculous? Was he scared when watching horrors or did he actually like them? Drama, historical dramas maybe? Some other type of subgenre he couldn’t think of at the moment? Wait, a sci-fi had been released just last month, that was certainly inoffensive enough and could work for both of them.
You’re not supposed to have all the answers. Just slow down and let it happen.
Both of them being vulnerable had been a deciding factor for him just now. Kim had shared insecurities, showed him his soft underbelly and that had meant so much to Porchay. He was being weird now but he also knew these nerves were acting up because this mattered. He just had to roll with it. Sometime soon he wouldn’t break in cold sweat over every small hurdle. He just had a very emotionally charged day and a very defining moment in his first real relationship and he was still reeling from it. Tomorrow would be better. He just had to get through tonight.
With that pep talk in mind, he selected a sci-fi about a group of scientists exploring some newfound and strange planet. It actually looked good and hoped the other would like it. He barely had to wait ten minutes more before a freshly showered Kim was joining him. Seeing him was like a kick in the stomach. He was in soft grey sweatpants and a T-shirt, no visible jewelry, his hair still slightly damp like he had done nothing more than run a towel through it a few times, unstyled and soft looking. Porchay felt a tension in him releasing and he almost exhaled in relief. His fears didn’t matter. Or if they did, they weren’t as big and scary as he had been making them out to be when he was alone and stressed.
Kim stood centimeters away from him and, knowing they were on the same page again, Porchay rediscovered his bravery. With him so close, with them together and in love, the uncertainty of the future was still there but manageable. They would have problems and they would overcome them. That certainty came as if out of nowhere but struck him like a lightning bold and in this moment Porchay truly believed they could figure it out if they put their mind to it.
“I chose the movie. I hope you like it.” He said, making space for him on the couch.
“You want the absolute truth?” He smirked at him. “I’ll watch anything. Tonight I’m just glad you’re here.”
Well, didn’t that warm him up from the inside.
“Come here.” He asked and when Kim sat, he simply leaned in and cuddled up next to him. Kim let out a surprised chuckle but wrapped an arm around him and it was the best feeling, the best way this day could end.
“Did you take the pill?”
“I did.” He squeezed him a little. “I’m fine, I promise.”
“Hmm.”
He was going to have nightmares about a different outcome, he just knew it. But he was so grateful that now he would have the opportunity to reassure himself again and again that was true and would remain so either because they were together or he would be able to call and check for himself.
He realized he still hadn’t unblocked him but was too comfortable to reach for his phone.
“You sure you don’t want to snack on something? I think I have those pretzel sticks with chocolate you like.” Kim started playing with his hair and Porchay was two seconds away from starting to purr and felt no shame about it. He liked people playing with his hair in general, it was like a religious experience when Kim was doing it though.
“No, I’m good.”
“Something to drink?” He kept offering.
“Nuh-uh.”
“Okay then. This is what you want to watch?” He moved just a little, getting comfortable, and finally looked at the TV.
“It sounds interesting but I don’t feel that strong about it if you want something else.” He turned his head to look at him. “I don’t know what kind of movies you like.”
“Many things but mainly adventure. And I like old-time classics because my mom loved them and showed them to me all the time. Things like Casablanca and Singin’ in the Rain or Seven Samurai. But this looks good and if it’s not, we can always stop it.”
“Then go for it.” He rested his head back on his shoulder.
They lost two hours like that. The movie was good and Porchay genuinely watched it with interest, forgetting all the bad things that had happened today. Sometime after the first hour his eyes had strayed on the right and he realized he was not in the compound, he wasn’t watching TV with Tankhun like had become the norm these days, but was leaning against Kim and they were back together now and his heart soared. He was so comfortable here, in this moment. He snuggled closer and Kim accommodated him as if without thinking, wrapping an arm around his shoulder and burying his fingers in his hair.
Then someone on the screen shouted “Look out!” and his gaze returned there. He watched and he was smiling. Later, he went to take his own shower and he was smiling. He put on the clothes Kim gave him for bed and he was smiling.
It was a simple loose T-shirt and sweatpants but they smelled like Kim, so they were pretty much perfect. He had used his shampoo and body wash, his toothpaste, all of Porchay smelled like Kim.
It was after ten p.m. by the time he reentered the bedroom. Kim was sitting cross-legged on the bed doing something on his phone but looked up now when he heard him.
“Ready for bed?”
“Hmm.” Normally, by this hour he wouldn’t be tired enough to fall asleep. But his head was heavy now. The bed looked so inviting.
He lifted one leg on the mattress and slid closer to the middle, covering himself with the sheets. The pillow was big and soft as a cloud under his ear. It didn’t take much effort to make himself comfortable.
“What is it?” He asked softly when Kim didn’t do much but watch him. Now he sighed and reached a hand to touch his cheek and Porchay closed his eyes for a moment, his breathing slowing, getting easier.
“I didn’t- I guess I never dared hope this would ever happen. That I would ever get you here, that you’d ever want to be here again.”
Porchay smiled.
“Was it everything you hoped it would be?”
“It’s better, actually.” He dropped his phone and laid next to him. He was using his own pillow but they were still so close, laying on their sides and facing each other.
“Today was crazy, wasn’t it?”
“That’s putting it mildly.” He deadpanned and Porchay wanted to giggle but held it in. He just grinned. Basked in the day Kim was looking at him, like he couldn’t get enough.
“I’d say it ended on a positive note.”
“I’d have to agree.” Kim returned the smile. It was a small thing but enough to show a dimple. He sobered a second later. “What are you doing this weekend?”
“I planned homework. Don’t you have a meeting with your brother or something?”
Kim frowned, not looking like he was anticipating that much.
“How much homework? Do you need help? I’d be happy to help.”
Porchay blinked. And reached for his cheek like had been wanting to do for the past minute since they laid now.
“Kim, I’m staying, okay?” His hand slid higher to his temple, his hair. He spoke with certainty because that was what he felt. “Maybe not here, not every day. I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to- just move in or something.”
“I think it would be great actually,” Kim mumbled, his eyes closing, pushing into Porchay’s fingers. His heart leapt at hearing that admission. He had to repeat to himself it was too soon.
“But you have me.” He continued. “I would very much appreciate your help with homework, believe me. But don’t- don’t worry I’ll just disappear, okay? We’ll make plans.”
“I told you I want to do this right. I want to spend time with you. I want to- pick you up after classes and take you somewhere fun. I want you to enjoy yourself with me. You’re so beautiful when you’re happy.”
His breath hitched at that. It was the best thing to hear, a wave of pure joy surged in him at that.
“We can arrange something.” He said, his voice a little bit strangled. It would be the easiest thing, actually. Him and Kim, together and with no miscommunication between them, that was a recipe for happiness. “I’ll share my schedule with you. We’ll figure it out.”
He still hadn’t unblocked him. For the second time this evening, he was too comfortable to move.
Tomorrow, he decided. Tomorrow was a new day and for the first time in two months Porchay had the feeling tomorrow was going to bring good things.