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Vida didn't sleep that night. She couldn't, no matter how hard she tried. Every time she closed her eyes and tried to let exhaustion overtake her bruised, aching, restless body, all she could see were a hundred versions of his face, staring at her behind her closed eyelids; Jude laughing; Jude talking; Jude smiling; Jude breathing. But all that paled in comparison to Jude in what must have been his last moments.
Trapped, alone in the dark, helplessly watching as his life was slowly crushed out of him until there was nothing left to save.
Vida choked on a silent sob. She bit her bottom lip hard to the point of pain, physically shaking with the effort it took to keep from screaming.
Jude is dead.
The cold, gruesome reality of that thought had tears streaming down her face before she could even hope to fight them off. Not that she had the strength nor will to do so anyway.
It’s all my fault. He had been right there, and she let him slip away. She had the power in her to save him, and instead she left him behind to be taken by his worst nightmares. She fucked up, and now he was gone forever.
Some perfect soldier I turned out to be.
Cate would never forgive her, just as she would never forgive herself. The thought of facing her mentor and guardian after letting their team fall apart in the worst possible way brought more hot tears of shame to her eyes.
As far as she knew, the team Cate was anxiously waiting for outside the borders of Los Angeles didn’t exist anymore. And it never would again. It couldn’t. Not without him.
He had been the heart and soul of their little group. The point of connection that pinned them all together. Disregarding the government’s label for Psi abilities, Jude had been the true meaning of everything being Yellow stood for.
He had been the light guiding them through their darkest moments, and the glimmer of hope when situations seemed impossible. He was the joy that brightened their dullest days, and the smile when the sun rose and when it set. He was a lively mess of reddish-brown curls, lanky limbs, and the kindest freckled face with the softest doe brown eyes that reflected his beautiful soul and his big heart. No one had a heart as big as his, so full of love and compassion and understanding for everyone.
He was their forever optimistic one-man welcoming committee (as Ruby so accurately dubbed him) who always waited for them after every Op without fail, and would greet their safe returns with cheshire-sized grins, followed shortly by a million questions and bone crushing hugs.
"One day I won't have to get my back realigned from his death grip."
And now, Vida would give anything just to feel his arms wrapped around her one more time.
Jude was more than just her teammate. He was her friend. The little brother she never had, and never knew how much she needed until she lost him. He had always made her feel wanted. Now, she just felt lost. Jude was the bridge that brought them all together. Without him, Vida didn’t really know where she would fit anymore. She had never really connected much with Nico, and Ruby had her own group of friends to worry about. And with Cate gone now too, Vida had never felt more alone then she did in that moment; crying silent tears in the dark, trying in vain not to let her grief and bitter self-hatred consume her.
She was drowning in sorrow and guilt. Drowning in the different scenarios where she heard him scream for help; where she forced him to walk in front of her; where she double-checked to make sure he had come up the latter behind her. Where she realized sooner that he was missing and made it back in time to save him.
She was drowning in her regret and emptiness now that he was gone, and her uselessness to bring him back.
Letting out another choked sob, Vida dug into the pocket of her sweatshirt and pulled out the broken remains of Jude's silver compass. She had never been the sentimental type, but she just couldn't leave his most prized possession behind to be buried forever under dirt and ash. Not like him. She shuddered at the horrible, soul crushing thought.
It would never be enough, never come close to filling the void he left inside her, but at the very least, she wanted to have something to remember him by. Of course, she would always have their memories, but she needed more. A keepsake. Something as solid and meaningful and special as he was. Something she could hold onto forever, and would never fade. I guess this shitty little compass is the best I'm gonna get.
In the end, it was the only thing she had left of him. The only thing she could touch.
Vida brought the compass up to her lips and pressed a soft, tender kiss to the outer frame. She closed her eyes and clutched the shattered pieces against her shattered heart, just as a fresh wave of tears began to roll down her cheeks.
"I'm sorry, Judith." she whispered brokenly, letting her anguish finally lull her to sleep. "I'm so sorry."