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“This is actually way grosser than I imagined…” says Yamaguchi when he finally stops coughing, and hands the lit cigarette back to Tsukishima.
“I don’t know, I kind of like it,” Tsukishima says as he observes the glowing red of the ash tip.
“Really? I thought it would at least taste a bit better than it smells… I really don’t know why my dad smokes these.“ Yamaguchi sighs and turns away from Tsukishima, so his back is flush with the wall of the side of Tsukishima’s house. His gaze is focused somewhere in the distance, probably at the horizon bathed in golden sunset. Tsukishima’s eyes slide down the slope of his best friend’s nose and down across his jawline and his Adam’s apple, all lit up gold and freckled. Tsukishima looks away.
„Habit, most likely?“
„Probably, yeah.“ Yamaguchi looks back at him and studies his face for a moment. „It does make you look kind of cool, though…“
„Really, Yamaguchi? Should we start smoking cigarettes before school to increase your coolness?“ Tsukishima scoffs.
Yamaguchi snorts at the thought. „It would be useless if we both did it, it would just increase both of our coolness the same, so you would still get more attention from girls anyway…“
„I guess that’s true, I- What are you doing?”
Yamaguchi smiles from behind his phone. “Taking a picture, obviously. Say cheese, Tsukki!”
Tsukishima rolls his eyes but poses for Yamaguchi’s ancient phone camera anyway. He tilts his head up a tiny bit, holds his hand with the cigarette near his lips and gives Yamaguchi behind the camera his best sultry look. It feels ridiculous but he knows the reaction it will pull from Yamaguchi before he even hears the camera shutter sound, loud in the silence of his empty backyard, only interrupted by the loud chirps of the cicadas.
“Woah,” Yamaguchi whispers as he puts the phone down and stares at the screen, pink blossoming on his cheeks.
“Do I look cool?” Tsukishima asks. He already knows the answer.
Yamaguchi ignores Tsukishima fishing for compliments and sighs.
“If I tried to do that, I would just look like a dork. This is so unfair.”
“You kind of always look like a dork.” He immediately winces internally because he knows Yamaguchi will take this as an insult.
“Wow, thanks, Tsukki. So supportive, as always.” Yamaguchi looks actually hurt by that, not in the back-and-forth teasing way he usually does.
“Not necessarily in a bad way, it’s… cute.” Tsukishima immediately regrets his choice of words because he can see the flame light up in Yamaguchi’s eyes at the opportunity. He’s as sadistic as Tsukishima sometimes.
“Aw, Tsukki, you think I’m cute?”
“I didn’t say that. I’m sure some girls think it is… that, though.”
“But do you think that, Tsukki?” Tsukishima rolls his eyes and feels his face get warmer.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” And before Yamaguchi can even reply with his usual response, Tsukishima stretches out his hand with the lit cigarette towards Yamaguchi, further than if he was handing it off to him for his friend’s turn, and turns the lit end towards himself, clearly offering Yamaguchi to inhale from it while Tsukishima holds it between his long, slender fingers. They are already standing closer than is needed, as always, like their conversations all happen in whispers carefully exchanged between them, but if Yamaguchi takes the bait, he will have to lean in even more and Tsukishima will be able to smell his citrus scented shampoo.
Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at Yamaguchi, who hasn’t moved a muscle yet and just keeps looking between Tsukishima and the outstretched hand. He eventually does lean in, and as he inhales from the cigarette, with his eyes on Tsukishima the whole time, Tsukishima inhales with him, smelling smoke, burning ambers, sunscreen and, just like he knew he would, citrus.
“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi groans from his spot on the pool floatie. He’s lying flat on his stomach, feet dangling in the cool water of the pool, as the sun is beaming down on his back where Tsukishima will have to apply an aloe-vera lotion later in the evening. The sunburn is worth it, Yamaguchi thinks, as his stomach swoops at the thought of his best friend’s pale hands sliding down his back in the dark of his room. “I’m bored.”
Tsukishima makes a humming sound of acknowledgement where he is sitting, safe, in the shade of the parasol above his lounge chair, reading a thick book.
“Go join the volleyball twins over there, then,” he says, not even looking up from the book. Yamaguchi hates when he does this, when Tsukishima doesn’t pay real attention to him. He also secretly loves it because he takes it as a challenge. Game on.
“No way,” he whines and looks over at Hinata and Kageyama who are bumping the ball back and forth quite aggressively, undoubtedly trying to see who drops it first. “They would just make me throw it to Kageyama, so he could toss to Hinata. I don’t wanna third wheel today.”
“Well, then stop bothering me,” Tsukishima says in a bored tone, eyes still on the book.
Yamaguchi fakes an offended gasp. “Bothering you? I invite you here, out of the goodness of my own heart-“
“You literally begged me to come.”
“-and you act like I am a nuisance. Entertain me.”
“Entertain you?” Tsukishima repeats as he finally looks up from his book. Yamaguchi cheers in his head. “I’m not a clown. You have those two,” he points behind Yamaguchi at the volleyball match still going on behind him, “for that. And this is not even your pool, or house, for that matter. It’s not like I owe you for being here.”
Yamaguchi rolls his eyes. Tsukishima, always the contrarian. “You kind of do. My neighbours asked me to water their plants and feed the cat, not you. Because I’m nice and people love me.”
“You keep telling yourself that,” Tsukishima sighs and looks back down at his book. Yamaguchi rolls his eyes.
“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi whines again after about a minute of silence. “Come into the water, at least. It’s like, five billion degrees out.”
“It’s actually quite nice here in the shade, so…”
“Come on, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi gathers a tiny bit of pool water in the palm of his hand and swings it towards the lounge chair his best friend is sitting on. The water barely hits Tsukishima’s knee. “Come in and I will stop bothering you after. Pinky promise, please!” Yamaguchi does his best puppy eyes up at his best friend and waits.
Tsukishima sighs, long and loud, always so dramatic. “You never do…” he mumbles, but he finally marks the page, puts the book down and takes off his glasses. Yamaguchi watches shamelessly as Tsukishima swings his criminally long legs onto the ground and pushes himself up. From Yamaguchi’s position, lying on the surface of the pool, with Tsukishima standing above him, he seems so much taller than usual. He steps out from under the shade and into the beaming sunlight, pale skin glowing with a slight sheen of sweat mixed with his SPF 50 sunscreen. Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at Yamaguchi when he catches him staring. Yamaguchi gives him his best beaming, innocent smile back.
Tsukishima ignores him as he stands on the edge of the pool. He doesn’t waste any time when he lifts his hands above his head and, before Yamaguchi can even admire the stretch of his lean chest, Tsukishima dives straight into the pool.
The motion is as elegant as it can be, with all his 190 centimetres of long legs and never-ending arms and Yamaguchi’s floatie in the way, but Yamaguchi’s breath hitches none the less, as he watches Tsukishima disappear under the surface with minimal splashing. The pool water sways, and Yamaguchi has to brace himself as to not fall off of the floating, bright pink inflatable mattress.
Tsukishima breaks surface on the other side of the pool as he stands up. Yamaguchi swears he’s dizzy from the heat as he watches Tsukishima’s wet, golden strands of hair, pushed up away from his forehead, drip pool water down his neck, sliding further down his pale shoulders to his lean back and chest. His eyes slide further south towards the V shape right above the hem of his best friend’s red swim shorts and-
Suddenly there is a splash of water right in his face. Yamaguchi jolts on his floatie and yelps as he almost falls down into the blue when he tries to dodge the droplets, unsuccessfully.
Tsukishima laughs loudly, meanly, like he enjoys causing Yamaguchi misery. Yamaguchi knows he does, and it excites him.
“Very subtle, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima smirks, hinting at Yamaguchi’s shameless staring.
“Shut up, Tsukki.” Yamaguchi feels his face grow hot and he doubts its from the sun.
Tsukishima runs his hand through his golden, wet hair and watches Yamaguchi on the inflatable mattress carefully. His eyes slide down from Yamaguchi’s mop of still wet hair, down his sun-tanned back, over his long, freckled legs. Yamaguchi feels a shiver run down his body following his best friend’s intense stare. He wants to say something, break the silence, comment on the heated staring, but he’s too afraid to shatter the moment.
Tsukishima heads towards the floatie with Yamaguchi on it. He holds his breath as Tsukishima slowly crosses the length of the pool, sun shining brightly behind him, like in some kind of a cheesy, romantic movie. His hair glows gold and yellow.
The air is suddenly charged with tension. The silence is only interrupted by the sound of water moving around Tsukishima and the rhythmic sound of the ball Hinata and Kageyama are supposedly still bumping back and forth somewhere behind them.
Yamaguchi raises himself carefully onto his forearms and watches as his best friend, expression focused and eyes glistening, puts one hand on the floatie and the other he slides softly from Yamaguchi’s elbow up to his bicep. Yamaguchi’s breath stills in the air between them as Tsukishima leans in closer to him, so painfully slowly.
Yamaguchi can’t help it when his eyes flicker down to Tsukishima’s pink, wet lips. He licks his own in anticipation. Tsukishima’s bright, gold eyes stare right into him. He knows what’s coming next, and it’s been coming a long, long time.
Tsukishima leans in, closer and closer, Yamaguchi’s eyes flutter closed. The moment seems to last an eternity as he waits for their lips to connect, and just as he feels Tsukishima’s breath fan softly over his upper lip, his floating mattress is suddenly flipped on its back with him on it. He plunges under the pale blue water with a loud splash in his ears.
His eyes fly open, his heart is beating hard and fast in his chest, he’s definitely inhaled some water, and he wants to scream.
He swims up and breaks out of the fuzziness of the chlorine water. The first thing he hears is Tsukishima’s laughter, mean and downright evil and so bright.
Yamaguchi coughs out the water he inhaled through his nose as he leans over the side of the pool.
“Holy shit, I can’t believe how well that worked,” Tsukishima manages to get out between his hysteric laugher.
“Tsukki! What the hell is wrong with you?!” Yamaguchi shouts, but he feels the corners of his mouth twitching upwards. It was kind of the perfect bait; he has to give him that.
“Yamaguchi! Are you okay?!” Hinata shouts behind him as he runs up to the side of the pool to check on Yamaguchi, Kageyama watching curiously right behind him.
Yamaguchi takes his last deep breath as he calms down his lungs and Tsukishima is still laughing like a maniac.
“Yep, all good,” he huffs and side-eyes Tsukishima.
“I just looked over and saw a huge splash, I totally thought Tsukishima just tried to drown you!” Hinata says loudly, eyes wide.
“Nope, all my fault. I let my guard down,” Yamaguchi laugh awkwardly. What an understatement.
“I kind of fell for it too, don’t worry, Yamaguchi,” says Kageyama obliviously. He pats Yamaguchi’s wet shoulder from his crouching position above him at the poolside.
“Fell for what?” counters Hinata curiously. Yamaguchi feels himself grow hot in the face again and before he or Tsukishima can come up with an explanation, Kageyama interjects.
“Tsukishima made it seem like he was going to kiss Yamaguchi and then flipped him over on the mattress,” Kageyama states flatly, like it’s no big deal. Like Yamaguchi’s first (almost) kiss with Tsukishima isn’t a big deal.
“Oh. But why would he fall for that? Who would want to kiss Tsukishima?” Hinata scrunches his nose earnestly, not understanding the implication whatsoever. Bless him, Yamaguchi thinks.
“Ask the dozens of girls leaving love notes in my-“ Tsukishima starts, thankfully, uncharacteristically, taking mercy on Yamaguchi.
“Yeah, ha ha, guys,” Yamaguchi interrupts, before it turns into another argument. “Very funny.”
“It really was,” Tsukishima snickers next to Yamaguchi and he feels himself grow hot from embarrassment.
He does the only thing he deems reasonable right now. Yamaguchi squints his eyes in Tsukishima’s direction and says: “You are so going down,” and he launches himself right onto his best friend, taking him under the water with him.
Tsukishima yelps but he goes down easily, without resistance, with Yamaguchi’s hands around his waist.
“Bye, Yamaguchi! Thanks for inviting us!” shouts Hinata with a blinding smile as he gathers the last of his things from the ground by the lounge chairs.
“See you, guys!” Yamaguchi yells back and watches them disappear behind the house with a final wave from Hinata.
“Finally, peace and quiet,” Tsukishima sighs from where he’s sitting on the edge of the pool, feet swishing in the water bellow him.
“Don’t be dramatic, Tsukki. They were behaving today.” Yamaguchi swims towards Tsukishima. He’s chin deep in the water, moving slowly in the low light of the early evening. He catches Tsukishima’s ankles where they’re messing with the water and stills them for a moment, just because he can.
Tsukishima scoffs. He starts kicking his legs again under the water, moving Yamaguchi’s hands with him, creating a soft current, and then he kicks at the water violently, splashing Yamaguchi right in the face. Yamaguchi stands up and spits out chlorine water for the millionth time that day, he listens to his best friend chuckle.
“Why are you trying to drown me today?” he grumbles at Tsukishima.
“Because you’re annoying.”
“Wow, so mature, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi rolls his eyes.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima proves his point. Silence stretches between them, the water splashes softly against the sides of the pool, a cool breeze blows by. Yamaguchi’s fingertips are crinkled up from being in the water for so long now and he’s getting cold. He takes a step towards Tsukishima still siting on the edge of the pool and puts his palms on his pale, bony knees. Neither of them say anything about their sudden closeness. Yamaguchi looks up at Tsukishima and realises that he’s closer than he thought he would be; if he stood on his tiptoes and leaned forward slightly, they could kiss, for real this time. He looks away, to the side where the sun slid behind the mountains.
“I guess I did deserve that one earlier, though…”
“You did,” Tsukishima agrees. His voice is steady, unlike Yamaguchi’s, shaking like leaves in the wind at the thought of where they’re steering this conversation. “I knew that would get you, I just didn’t think it would work that well.”
“It was a dirty trick though. You knew I would fall for that.”
“All is fair in love and war, Yamaguchi.” Yamaguchi squeezes Tsukishima’s knees under his palms.
“And was that love or war, then, Tsukki?”
Tsukishima makes a ‘tsk’ sound upon being cornered in their chess-game of conversation. Yamaguchi smiles up at him. It’s not often he wins their exchanges like this.
As they look at each other in silence, Yamaguchi thinks about the almost-kiss from earlier. They were closer than this, obviously. He could see the individual droplets of water on his best friend’s face from when he dove into the pool, Yamaguchi could smell the sunscreen and he could feel his heartbeat between them, interlocking with his own, beating to the tune of the summer and years of companionship and something like love.
He thinks of the almost kiss, looking into Tsukishima’s eyes right now, curious, studying him closely, and Yamaguchi knows, he knows, his best friend is thinking of the same exact moment.
So, Yamaguchi bites back every single doubt his brain is throwing at him right now, he pushes himself between Tsukishima’s legs, lifts himself up onto his tiptoes and slides his hand from Tsukishima’s knees higher on his thighs, the tips of his fingers sliding underneath the hem of his best friend’s swim shorts.
Tsukishima’s breath hitches but he doesn’t move back. They stare at each other, breathing the same air, hearts beating out the same rhythm, and they both lean in at the same time.
Yamaguchi feels his whole world tilt on its axis as the moment he’s been dreaming about for years and years finally crashes onto earth. The kiss is quick, more like a peck, but they keep going, each kiss lasting longer and longer as they get used to the new sensation. It’s the first time for both of them, after all.
Yamaguchi lifts one of his hands to the back of Tsukishima’s neck and holds him where he wants him. He kisses deeper into his mouth, tilting their heads for a better, closer angle. Their lips slide together easily, wet with saliva and Yamaguchi sighs into it. His whole body is thrumming with energy, he feels every movement, every touch, every hair on the back of Tsukishima’s neck where his hand is resting, pushing them closer. Tsukishima lifts one of his hands to Yamaguchi’s jaw, touch soft and featherlight – Yamaguchi feels his knees shake. They breathe hard through their noses and giggle when they bump their teeth and then go back in for more.
Yamaguchi always worried he wouldn’t know what to actually do once he had the opportunity to kiss, but as he licks into the mouth of the boy he’s been in love with since before he even knew what love was, he knows exactly what to do and he doesn’t understand why he hasn’t done this sooner.
Just as Tsukishima softly bites down on Yamaguchi’s lower lip, resulting in a soft moan tangling into their kiss, there sounds a gasp somewhere behind them, towards the house.
Yamaguchi’s mind immediately flashes with the image of the family whose house he was supposed to look after, with their two kids, standing somewhere behind him watching him make-out with his best friend right in their family sized pool.
Tsukishima immediately flinches away from Yamaguchi, like their skin touching suddenly sent an electric shock down his spine. Yamaguchi’s eyes are still squeezed shut, too afraid to see who it is, terrified to see the expression on Tsukishima’s face, but he reluctantly opens them and looks over Tsukishima’s shoulder.
Hinata is standing there, frozen in place, like a movie paused at an inconvenient time. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima blink at him in silence and he stares back, shock written all over his face.
Suddenly, Hinata’s consciousness loads back in, and he laughs.
“So, someone actually does want to kiss Tsukishi-“ Before Hinata can even finish the sentence, Tsukishima has already grabbed one of Yamaguchi's flip-flops lying by the pool and launched it with perfect aim right at Hinata’s head.
“Ow, what the hell was that for, Stingyshima?!”
“Fuck off.”
“Tsukki…” Yamaguchi tries to soothe him. Tsukishima is red in the face, most likely embarrassed. Yamaguchi prays it’s because Hinata caught them kissing, and not because Tsukishima was kissing Yamaguchi.
“Chill out, I forgot my shoes here. Can't ride a bike all the way home in flip-flops, you know, haha- Ow!” Hinata shouts as another flip-flop hits him in the shoulder. He grabs his shoes from under one of the lounge chairs and walks backwards towards the house. “Sorry for interrupting! Have… fun or whatever! Bye!” Hinata's voice cracks at the last word as he dodges the last flip-flop Tsukishima managed to throw his way. It lands with a loud smack where Hinata last stood, now gone behind the house once again. Yamaguchi can't help himself but bury his face in his palms and groan.
“Did he just say ‘have fun’?” Yamaguchi says when he looks up. Tsukishima is now sitting cross-legged on the edge of the pool, feet dripping water on the ground, his head turned over his shoulder, looking at the place where Hinata stood.
“I think he really did…” Tsukishima scoffs in disbelief. Yamaguchi snickers.
“Well, do you wanna con-“
“We should probably go home.” Yamaguchi flinches at the interruption. Its such a stark contrast to what he meant, to how Tsukishima was acting, kissing him, just a moment ago. Hungry and urgent. They lock eyes and to Yamaguchi’s surprise, Tsukishima looks… normal. Bored, disinterested, cold. Yamaguchi was expecting regret, shame or irritation at least, but all Tsukishima gives him is a blank stare and a raised eyebrow when he doesn’t respond quick enough. He’s shut Yamaguchi out. It hurts more than it should. He swallows down the tears fighting their way out.
“Um, I- I guess so.”
Yamaguchi watches Tsukishima as he stares back at him, looking for something in his face. Then he nods shortly, gets up and starts packing his things. Yamaguchi stands in the cold water of the pool, alone, wondering where he went wrong.
Disaster strikes on an unassuming Thursday afternoon. Their last class that day is English, for which Tsukishima and Yamaguchi have to split up, Tsukishima into the advanced class and Yamaguchi to the regular one. Tsukishima usually ends later than Yamaguchi, who most of the time waits for him in the hallway, so they can walk to the clubroom together.
Today, Yamaguchi isn’t there. Tsukishima frowns when he walks out of the classroom and doesn’t hear the familiar voice of his best friend call out his name. He doesn’t think anything of it, he probably just got caught up talking with one of his classmates or the teacher. Tsukishima shakes of the weird feeling in his chest as he walks through the crowd of tired students towards the staircase. He considers walking all the way down but stops on the floor right bellow where he knows Yamaguchi’s class takes place. He’s not entirely sure which classroom it is exactly, because he mostly just leaves Yamaguchi behind on the stairs and continues up by himself, but he walks down the hallway, steps assured and casual, and peers into the rooms.
The first three classrooms yield nothing, only occupied by the last few students cleaning up, but when he checks the fourth one, he stops dead in his tracks by the entrance. He watches Yamaguchi, leaning back on a desk, fidgeting with his sleeves and blushing, visibly nervous, as he talks to the girl in front of him. She’s tall, almost as tall as Yamaguchi, her face is all sharp nose and cheekbones, but her smile is bright and friendly. She’s standing quite close to him with her hip popped out and she’s twirling a strand of her long dark hair around her finger. She laughs with her eyes closed at something Yamaguchi said and pushes up her thin, silver-framed glasses higher on her face.
Tsukishima feels something ugly crack in his chest. He knows he’s staring; he knows the two other classmates cleaning up the room are looking at him weird, but he can't move. Yamaguchi rubs the back of his neck nervously as he laughs again and its all Tsukishima can hear, despite the fact that he should be able to understand their conversation clearly, he’s only standing a few meters away.
All Tsukishima can think about is that this is all his own fault.
“So… Could I get your number then? Maybe we could-“
The girl’s words finally reach Tsukishima’s ears and the meaning of them snaps him out of his frozen trance by the door. He speaks before he can even think it through.
“Tadashi.” His voice is loud and surprisingly steady in the quiet afternoon air of the room. Yamaguchi jumps a little at the unfamiliar use of his given name coming out of Tsukishima’s mouth. They both look over at Tsukishima, Yamaguchi with a surprised expression covering his face, and the girl studies him curiously.
“Ah, Tsukishima-kun,” she say’s pleasantly. Tsukishima slowly walks over to them, hands in his pockets, as he watches her carefully. He gets great satisfaction from how much taller he is than her, even though that shouldn’t be a surprise to him.
“You know my name?” She rolls her eyes, but chuckles softly.
“Yes, obviously. My best friend wouldn’t shut up about you in our first year. You rejected her quite coldly though, when she confessed…” Tsukishima can’t tell if he’s imagining it, but underneath her sweet attitude, he can sense a feeling that she knows exactly what she’s doing. It’s unnerving.
“Ah.”
“I’m Hiroko.” He measures her with his gaze and suppresses the need to scoff. Like I would want to know your name, he thinks, the bitterness wrapping around his tongue.
“Nice to meet you,” he says in his flattest tone that sounds polite to unknown ears, but he knows Yamaguchi can detect as fake. Tsukishima turns his attention quickly to Yamaguchi who hasn’t uttered a word during the whole exchange. His expression is nervous, flickering between them anxiously, like he got caught doing something he shouldn’t have. Technically, that’s not true. He’s just talking to a girl. And its not like him and Tsukishima- It’s not like they’re- Whatever. “Yamaguchi, let’s go,” he says to his best friend who snaps out of his nervous daze at the mention of his own name. “We will be late for practice.”
Yamaguchi opens his mouth like he wants to say something, but he promptly closes it again and frowns up at Tsukishima.
“B-but Tsukki, practice doesn’t start until-“
“I’m going,” Tsukishima interrupts unceremoniously, turns on his heels and starts walking towards the exist, consciously keeping his walk steady and cool, unbothered.
He hears a deep sigh behind himself coming from Yamaguchi and the sound of him picking up his bag.
“Wait, Yamaguchi-kun, let me give you my number quickly, so you can…” her voice fades off into the silence of the hallway as Tsukishima walks away, towards and down the staircase, speeding up with each step. His heart is beating, he squeezes the handle of his bag with a little too much force, and all he can think is this is all my fault. I’m a fucking coward. If I didn’t get scared in the pool that day I could- We would-
“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi calls from somewhere behind him. Tsukishima immediately realises he’s walking way too fast now. He slows down so Yamaguchi can catch up. “What the hell was that?” his best friend asks, catching his breath as he stands next to Tsukishima down in the main hallway. He looks irritated. Tsukishima scoffs and resumes his walk towards the club room at a more reasonable pace now, but he still makes strides long enough so Yamaguchi can barely keep up.
“What was what?” he says casually. He feels a little embarrassed by his own attitude back there, in the sunlit classroom.
“Come on. You were being so… weird.”
“Weird?”
“Yes. Weird, strange, off-putting-“
“Okay, yeah, I get it, Yamaguchi,” Tsukishima says, pointedly not looking at Yamaguchi as they leave the building and cross the courtyard. They are attracting stares.
“We were just talking,” Yamaguchi breathes, exasperated.
“She asked for your number.”
“I know, Tsukki, I was there.” Tsukishima can feel the eyeroll.
“Did you give it to her?” Tsukishima asks flatly, not letting a single emotion slip into his voice.
“Yes. She wanted to ask if we could study together, that’s all that was,” Yamaguchi explains himself, even though he doesn’t have to. Tsukishima’s eyes flick towards his best friend, red in the face, from anger or embarrassment, Tsukishima isn’t certain.
“Sure, Yamaguchi. But we already study together, don’t we? And I am in the advanced class, so what could she possibly-“
“Wait, are you… jealous, Tsukki?” That question, more a statement, makes Tsukishima almost trip over the stairs to the club room. He scoffs and continues to walk up without sparing a look behind him, where Yamaguchi is standing still at the bottom of the steps.
“Jealous? Really, Yamaguchi?”
“Oh my god, you are!” he sounds surprised, like he never imagined Tsukishima was capable of that emotion. It irritates Tsukishima more than it should.
“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Yamaguchi laughs at that, disbelief written all over his face.
“I actually can’t believe you. This is all your-“
“Yamaguchi, finally!” Hinata interrupts them when they finally reach the clubroom walkway. “I think Kageyama lost his keys-“
“Shut up!” sounds Kageyama, who definitely looks like he lost the keys.
“Wait, are you guys fighting?” Hinata says as the tension between Yamaguchi and Tsukishima settles in the air in-front of the clubroom. Its thick and charged, Tsukishima has a hard time catching his breath and his jaw is set, Yamaguchi looks frustrated.
“No,” says Tsukishima.
“Yes,” replies Yamaguchi at the same time, turned towards Tsukishima, saying it to him, like he’s correcting him. He wants a reaction but Tsukishima refuses to give him one.
“O-oh.” Hinata looks nervously between the two of them in the silence. Yamaguchi is still looking at Tsukishima, who’s refusing to meet his eyes. They stay like that for a few seconds until, it seems, Yamaguchi gives up on him. He shakes his head like he’s clearing it up, and schools his expression back into calmness.
“Sorry, Hinata, Kageyama, let me just-“ He rummages through his own bag until he pulls out the keys and unlocks the door. Hinata and Kageyama file in quickly, surely to escape the energy radiating off of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi.
“Well, let’s go in.”
“Yamaguchi, wait…” Tsukishima’s tongue betrays him.
“What?” Yamaguchi breathes, resigned and over it already. He’s the captain, after all, he has other things to worry about other than Tsukishima’s childish outbursts. Tsukishima watches him carefully. He wants to say so much but he doesn’t know if he can. I like you. I’m sorry. I wish it didn’t hurt as much as it does.
“Nevermind.” He doesn’t say any of it because he’s a coward. Yamaguchi sighs. The sound makes Tsukishima’s chest hurt. They look at each other for a moment.
“I… I just wish we could actually say what we mean, for once, Tsukki.”
Tsukishima is suddenly hit with Yamaguchi’s previous words in the silence of the hallway.
This is all your… fault. And Tsukishima knows that’s true better than anyone.
“Yeah. Me too.”
Yamaguchi was correct, Tsukishima thinks, embarrassed, as he watches Yamaguchi talk to Hiroko after their graduation ceremony. She’s still twirling a strand of her hair around her slender fingers, smiling at Yamaguchi, but Tsukishima knows it doesn’t really mean anything. He internally cringes as he remembers his first interaction with her and the jealousy it sparked inside him. Yamaguchi claims to this day that there was absolutely nothing between them and Tsukishima isn’t really sure if he believes that.
The only thing he knows is that after their argument, Yamaguchi started texting, a lot, presumably with Hiroko – Tsukishima didn’t ask. But Yamaguchi texted on his morning walk to school with Tsukishima by his side, between classes, and during their study sessions in Tsukishima’s bedroom, phone constantly buzzing on the bed. It was infuriating and humiliating, but Tsukishima refused to acknowledge it out loud, he embarrassed himself enough already.
Some nights, when his thoughts wouldn’t stop racing, he would imagine how Yamaguchi would break the news of his new girlfriend to him. Would he just casually mention it to Tsukishima? Would he formally introduce her? Would he ask Tsukishima to hang out with her? He didn’t know. These thoughts, of missed chances and wasted time and regret, kept him up at night for weeks. Until, eventually, thankfully, around January, about three months after this all started, Yamaguchi just… stopped. The texting slowed down gradually, until the only notifications on his best friend’s phone were from Hinata, sending the latest unfunny meme to Yamaguchi. Tsukishima never asked Yamaguchi what actually happened between him and Hiroko, even though, and he would never admit this to another living soul, he was dying of curiosity. But Tsukishima felt immense relief as this happened. He felt light, like a weight was gone from his shoulders, and he felt hopeful. But he kept thinking about how he almost missed his chance. Hiroko was a wake-up call. He knew he had to do something, soon.
Tsukishima has been planning what he will say to Yamaguchi for weeks now. He has read an embarrassing amount of romance novels in his own spare time and watched agonising hours of romantic comedies and dramas, just to observe what people say in those vulnerable moments. He dreaded the moment he would have to spill the contents of his own heart to Yamaguchi, presented on a silver platter with a sharp knife, ready to be dissected. He made a speech in his head and then scrapped it, then he made another one and wrote it down into his English notebook that he later opened in front of Yamaguchi on accident and promptly closed again. It was nerve-wracking. It was also exciting.
He thinks about their kiss in the pool last summer, hot and heavy and clumsy, and craves it like the air in his lungs again.
In the cold March breeze outside their school building, Tsukishima watches as more and more people come up to Yamaguchi to talk to him. They’ve already stopped on their way out of the courtyard to talk to numerous classmates, multiple of their juniors from the club, captains of other school clubs and talked to some of the members of the girl's volleyball team. Most regarded Tsukishima with a short greeting or a nod, clearly only wanting to talk to Yamaguchi. Tsukishima was fine with that, its not like he was friends with any of the classmates or particularly close with their juniors, who were still slightly afraid of him, despite his frankly embarrassing effort to help them and talk to them during the last year.
However, as he stood there next to Yamaguchi, listening to another round of good lucks with their entrance exams, he realised how incredibly popular Yamaguchi got in the last year or two. It doesn’t come as a surprise, Yamaguchi is friendly, kind and very open, but Tsukishima’s mind flashes with all the times him and Yamaguchi came home from practice, his best friend exhausted from the duties of the captain more than the physical effort. He remembers the times Yamaguchi cried because he thought he handled a situation at practice badly or the walk back home after they lost their last Spring tournament, with his best friend trying to keep his tears from spilling over his cheeks onto the dark pavement.
Tsukishima is the only person who is allowed into these private, unshielded moments of Yamaguchi’s life and he feels pride at this realisation. He knows, deep down, that even though Yamaguchi most likely feels the same way about Tsukishima as Tsukishima feels about him, he will always be special to Yamaguchi no matter what happens.
“Erm, Earth to Tsukki?” Yamaguchi says as he pokes him into the centre of his forehead. Tsukishima frowns even though he can feel the slight warm spreading across his face and Yamaguchi giggles. They’re standing close together between the crowd of talking students gathered outside, Yamaguchi is looking up at him with bright eyes and an easy smile.
“Finished ignoring me?”
“I wasn’t ignoring you! Not my fault you only want to talk to me,” Yamaguchi beams back, like he doesn’t mind at all. Tsukishima rolls his eyes, but there is no bite in it and Yamaguchi knows, only fondness.
“That is definitely not true. Shut up, Yamaguchi.”
“Make me, then.”
Tsukishima’s breath hitches in his throat and he knows Yamaguchi saw it, that Yamaguchi understands exactly what effect that statement has on Tsukishima. He considers the dare for a moment, imagines kissing that smug look off of Yamaguchi’s face right in-front of half of their high school classmates, but chickens out immediately. Not only does he not want his second ever kiss be in the middle of a crowd, but he also cringes at all the people he spent three years avoiding seeing him in such a private moment. He sighs.
“Let’s go, Yamaguchi. Akiteru is waiting for us.” Yamaguchi doesn’t look disappointed at all as they finally move away from the crowd, like he just wanted to tease Tsukishima the whole time.
They walk the familiar route from the school down the hill towards their homes in silence, shoulder to shoulder, hands brushing with every step. Tsukishima’s hand twitches with the urge to tangle their fingers together.
“Where do you think Akiteru is gonna take us?”
“I tried to get it out of him last night, but he wouldn’t say.”
“Ah. Do you think it’s a surprise?” Yamaguchi says with a smile.
Tsukishima shakes his head. “I don’t think so. I think he was just annoyed I kept asking.”
“Oh. Maybe Sendai?”
“Most likely, yes.”
Yamaguchi nods. He goes quiet for a moment. “Well, its nice that he wants to do something like that for you.”
Tsukishima frowns at the statement. “For us, you mean.”
“Well, yeah, I guess,” Yamaguchi shrugs. “But you’re his brother. I’m just tagging along as always.”
“What? Where is this coming from, Yamaguchi? We both want you to be there.”
“I- I know, I didn’t mean it like that,” stutters Yamaguchi. “I just… Sometimes it feels like I am just tagging along behind you.” He looks genuinely embarrassed by the confession. Yamaguchi keeps his eyes on the road in front of them, avoiding looking at Tsukishima next to him.
Tsukishima sighs. “Is this about the dorm request again? I already said you don’t have to room with me at university if you don’t want to. I won’t be offended if-“
“No! I- I do. Want to live with you. It’s not that.”
“Okay.” Tsukishima wants to say more. He wants to comfort Yamaguchi and tell him how important he is in his life, but he’s never been one for talking about his feelings, so he doesn’t say anything.
“Okay,” echoes Yamaguchi next to him. They walk in silence for a few minutes, Tsukishima mulling over the words exchanged between them. It didn’t feel right. Yamaguchi was wrong.
“I’m pretty sure it’s the other way around,” he confesses eventually.
“What is?”
Tsukishima takes a breath and considers his next words very carefully. “I- Sometimes it feels like I won’t be able to keep up with you.”
“Oh,” replies Yamaguchi. He looks hurt by Tsukishima’s words. “I’m sorry-“
“Don’t,” Tsukishima interrupts him. “It’s not your fault.” They look at each other as they stop by the gate of Yamaguchi’s home. The moment is charged, like all the words they want to say to each other are looming above them. Tsukishima waits for them to fall, he opens his mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out. Yamaguchi bites his lip and gives a small nod, like he understands something Tsukishima doesn’t.
“Well. I- I will get changed and- and meet you at your house, Tsukki.”
“Yeah.”
Yamaguchi nods again and he walks the stone path to his house that Tsukishima has walked a million times before. When he gets to the door, Yamaguchi looks over his shoulder, eyes meeting Tsukishima’s where he’s still standing there on the sidewalk, watching.
Next time, Tsukishima berates himself in his head, next time I will definitely say something.
“I don’t think I have ever seen this much alcohol in one place before,” notes Yamaguchi as he stares at the countertop full of various bottles of different colours.
“Just remember I’m not carrying you home when you inevitably pass out from alcohol poisoning,” counters Tsukishima as he picks up two bottles of beer.
“Yes, mom,” replies Yamaguchi. Tsukishima rolls his eyes as he opens one of the beers with the bottle opener on the counter and hands it to Yamaguchi. He takes a sip of the beer and looks around the crowded kitchen. There are multiple people mixing up all different kinds of questionable drinks, someone is rummaging through the fridge that probably isn’t theirs and there is a shout of excitement from the dining table on the other side of the room as someone scores a point in beer pong. Yamaguchi smiles into the throat of the bottle in his hands. This is their first official university party, and he intends to get as drunk as possible and dance until his feet hurt. He looks at his best friend who seems much less excited to be here as he checks his phone.
“Tsukki.”
He looks up from the device. “What.”
“Let’s go dance.” Yamaguchi giggles as his best friend looks at him like he just grew a second head.
“Absolutely not.”
“What else are we gonna do here then?”
“I’m here to make sure you don’t die, and you are here to make us some friends.”
“Us? How am I supposed to make friends for you?”
“I don’t know. Be nice and tell them I’m not as scary as I look or something.”
“Yeah, you’re even scarier.”
“Don’t pretend like you don’t like it.”
“Whatever, Tsukki.”
“Oi, Yamaguchi!” shouts someone from the kitchen entryway. Yamaguchi turns around and spots a classmate from one of his lectures.
“Oh, hi!”
“Wanna do shots with us?”
“Tsukki, come on…” Yamaguchi pleads as he tugs on Tsukishima’s arm again. He’s drunk and he feels like he’s floating. Tsukishima sighs and he looks at Yamaguchi, eyes tired. He’s drunk too, even though he’s trying not to show it. Yamaguchi knows that because he spots the permanent blush etched on his friend’s cheeks.
“I already said no.”
“You’re no fun,” Yamaguchi pouts. “Guess I will have to ask someone else to dance with me. Maybe I will go find that guy that was definitely flirting with me when you went to the bathroom, I’m sure he would love to-“
“If I go, will you stop talking?”
Yamaguchi is surprised it only took him a couple of minutes of pleading but its most likely only because of the alcohol rushing through their bloodstreams and the unfair strategy of taking advantage of Tsukishima’s jealousy. He beams at Tsukishima as he finally stands up from his spot on the couch, the colourful lights coming from somewhere in the room drag over his face and reflect off the new glasses Yamaguchi helped him pick out. That was a terrible day for his heart.
He wraps his fingers around the warm skin of Tsukishima’s wrist, and he drags him towards the impromptu dance floor in the cleared off part of the living room. There is probably a fire-hazard worthy amount of people squished into the corner, moving against each other to the music coming out of the speakers.
It takes a little adjusting before they settle into a comfortable push and pull of the beat. They are both taller and broader than most of the other people in the crowd so they have to stand closer than Yamaguchi would necessarily like. Not because he doesn't want to but mostly because its hard to resist the urge to rest his hands on Tsukishima’s broad shoulders or slide his hands down to his best friend's lean waist. Tsukishima’s hot breath ghosts across Yamaguchi’s face when he sways closer with the upbeat dance music, the smell of cigarettes and some minty alcohol Tsukishima must’ve had earlier swirls in the air between them. The sudden urge to kiss Tsukishima makes Yamaguchi feel dizzy.
As the music changes from the exciting dance song to something sexier and more sensual, Yamaguchi is hit with the realisation that Tsukishima is a good dancer. Yamaguchi could count the times he's seen his best friend dance on one hand, most of them were a part of a joke, too, so he really had no idea what he was in for tonight. He watches Tsukishima as he moves to the beat, as he puts his hands above his head and sways them around in a way that shouldn't be that attractive. Yamaguchi watches him roll his hips with the music, he stares at the colourful lights reflecting off of the sheen of sweat on Tsukishima’s bare neck and Yamaguchi thinks I need his hands on me right now.
Just as that thought flashes through his mind, someone decides to solve this equation for him when they bump into his back trying to get by on the crowded dance floor. Yamaguchi, unstable from numerous shots and drinks from earlier that evening, stumbles forward right into Tsukishima’s sweaty, solid chest. He feels a shiver run down his spine when Tsukishima puts his hand on his lower back to stabilise him. Instead of letting go, Tsukishima pulls him closer, pressing their bodies together. Yamaguchi's breath hitches and he looks up, into those bright, golden eyes that are looking back at him with something like determination and challenge. One of Tsukishima's eyebrows is raised, as in a question. Is this okay?
Instead of nodding, like a normal, sober person would, Yamaguchi takes a deep breath and slides his hands up from Tsukishima’s chest up across his shoulders and around his neck. They're pressed together now, Yamaguchi can feel every movement, every breath, every layer of clothing separating them. The air is charged as they dance like this. Yamaguchi's senses are overwhelmed with everything Tsukishima; the large hand he's wrapped with athletic tape a million times pressing hard against his back, Tsukishima's other hand sliding down his waist and pushing Yamaguchi's shirt up a few centimetres so it can rest on the hot, bare skin of his hip, the overbearing smell of smoke and alcohol and sweat, Tsukishima's unfaltering gaze burning on his skin, the loud music and flashing lights all around them, making the moment feel surreal.
Yamaguchi's studies Tsukishima's face, the blush across his cheeks, his blond curls clinging to his sweaty forehead, the glasses slipping down his nose he can't push up because he's too busy stroking his fingers across Yamaguchi's hip, his set jaw and bright eyes staring right back at him.
Before the words even form in his mind, it's already too late.
“Kiss me,” Yamaguchi’s mouth says. His voice is steadier than he expected, breathy from dancing and the proximity, but sure and provocative.
Yamaguchi feels Tsukishima’s breath hitch, he watches his expression morph into surprise and then want. Tsukishima leans in and captures his lips in a kiss.
This kiss is different than their first one was - it's hungrier, more urgent. It tastes of the year's long tension dragging on between them and all the confessions that never got past Yamaguchi's lips. Yamaguchi's lets himself be kissed for a moment or two, relishing in the passion and need in the way his best friend kisses him, sloppy and still inexperienced. Yamaguchi feels a twisted sense of pride and pleasure when he realises Tsukishima must have not kissed many people between their first kiss and this one. Ruining a friendship is a terrible thing to find pleasure in.
Tsukishima makes a quiet noise into his mouth, somewhere between a growl and a moan, impatient, because Yamaguchi is still just lazily moving his lips. The noise kicks him right into action. He slides his fingers up to Tsukishima’s jaw and tilts his face for a better angle. He licks deeper into his mouth and feels Tsukishima melt in his hold. It's an ecstatic feeling, knowing Tsukishima doesn't do this with anyone else, that only Yamaguchi is allowed to see and feel him like this, desperate and hungry and burning.
They kiss some more for a long time, Yamaguchi counts two full songs, before they resurface for air.
“This is so much better than our first kiss,” Tsukishima says, and Yamaguchi feels like flying. With a sharp breath he realises this is the first time they’ve openly acknowledged the pool kiss incident. It's jarring to hear, especially in the crowded, hot room with music and the sound of his own rapid heartbeat echoing through his ears.
“Mhm, might be all the shots we took earlier,” Yamaguchi hums as he lightly kisses along Tsukishima's jaw. He feels Tsukishima's laugh vibrate in his chest with how closely pressed together they are still standing. “And I’ve had practice,” he adds quietly as he continues kissing down Tsukishima's neck.
He feels Tsukishima's stiffen in his arms for a second and he looks up, apology ready to spill over his lips like he has anything to apologise for, like he did anything wrong, but Tsukishima is looking down at him with new fire burning in his eyes. Before Yamaguchi can even blink, they're kissing again. Tsukishima is more demanding this time, he kisses deeper, his tongue pressing and pulling against Yamaguchi’s, his hands wander further up Yamaguchi’s shirt. Tsukishima bites Yamaguchi's bottom lip a little harder than necessary but Yamaguchi smiles knowingly into the kiss anyway. Tsukishima is possessive. It's a wild realisation to have, that the mere mention of Yamaguchi kissing someone else can make Tsukishima act like this. Yamaguchi's head spins with it.
He thinks back to his previous kisses. A few guys at the summer camps, fleeting attraction that lasted a week at most. That one girl from the girl's volleyball team who's name he can't remember. Hinata as a result of a spin the bottle game at a team sleepover where he definitely had more beer than he was equipped to handle in his second year. Hiroko. And Tsukishima, of course. His first kiss with the boy he's been in love with for years, that kissed him so carefully and yet impatiently in the summer heat, like he waited for that moment as long as Yamaguchi did. Tsukishima that pretended like the kiss never happened and broke Yamaguchi's heart over and over again.
Just as Tsukishima tilts his head a little further and moans into his mouth at the new angle, Yamaguchi thinks: Are you going to pretend this didn't happen either?
Yamaguchi disconnects their lips but doesn't lean away, his body still under the spell of Tsukishima Kei. They each try to catch their breath, lights flashing, people dancing and conversations swirling all around them. It's disorienting. Yamaguchi suddenly feels sick.
“Tsukki, Kei, what-“ he cuts himself off, not really sure what he's trying to say here. He swallows, Tsukishima's dazed eyes on him the entire time. “What are we doing?” He doesn't know what kind of answer he's expecting. The idea of a confession runs through the haze of Yamaguchi’s mind and he almost smiles at it. Until Tsukishima, the same as ever, opens his pretty, thoroughly kissed mouth.
“It’s just kissing, Yamaguchi. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
That sobers Yamaguchi right up. He feels himself go stiff in Tsukishima’s arms, the only interruption being their heavy breaths mixing together in between the heat of their two bodies still pressed close together.
“O-oh. Right. Why would-“ Yamaguchi squeezes his eyes shut. It hurts. He feels like he's right back in that pool, staring up at Tsukishima’s closed off expression. “Actually, can we- I just- I think I need some air. I- I will be right back. Sorry.”
He untangles himself from Tsukishima’s hold and briefly wishes Tsukishima would just pull him closer. He fell for it again. He needs to get out. Yamaguchi leaves his heart behind, right there on the dance floor underneath his best friend's feet.
Tsukishima stands there in the middle of the crowded living room with people dancing and moving and laughing around him as he watches Yamaguchi push his way out of the room. When he disappears behind a doorway, Tsukishima is suddenly shaken out of his daze. He knows he should go after him, run and confess his feelings and apologise for making Yamaguchi wait until his tongue bleeds but all he feels in that moment is fear. He’s scared that he missed his chance again and he’s scared he hurt Yamaguchi beyond reparation and forgiveness with words he didn’t really consider properly. He’s afraid of making this a habit. Of kissing Yamaguchi like his life depends on it and then pushing him away. Tsukishima realises his head hurts, from the alcohol or lack of oxygen or all the thoughts blazing around in his brain. He needs air. And a cigarette.
He elbows his way out of the house and ends up in the front yard. There are a few groups of people, smoking, laughing, talking. There is a couple making out and he feels a stab of jealousy. Tsukishima reaches into his back pocket and pulls out a beaten-up pack of cigarettes. He opens it and studies the five remaining sticks left. One of them is turned upside down. When he bought the pack months ago and opened it in front of Yamaguchi, he insisted on picking one, turning it around and making it his “lucky one.” Yamaguchi sheepishly explained that he saw that on the internet and said that Tsukishima should smoke that one when he felt like he needed a little bit of luck. He thought it was ridiculous, but he let Yamaguchi do it anyway. He didn’t reach for it before his university entrance exam, but he reaches for it now. He thinks a little bit of luck will come in handy whenever he decides to find Yamaguchi later. He leans back against the house and clicks his lighter on.
He takes a drag from his cigarette and stares at the open night sky. He’s not nearly as drunk as he felt on the dance floor but as he looks at the stars his mind flashes with the image of Yamaguchi’s freckled face. He sighs and leans his head back against the wall.
He doesn’t really know why he said what he said to Yamaguchi, but he knows what it sounded like to his best friend’s ears. This is just kissing to me. It couldn’t be further from the truth.
The thing is, Yamaguchi backed him into a corner with that question. What are we doing? And what was Tsukishima supposed to say? It didn’t feel like a moment for a confession. But what even is the ideal moment for a confession? It wasn’t their first kiss, it wasn’t the day Yamaguchi talked to Hiroko, it wasn’t the day they secured a spot at the nationals with Yamaguchi as the captain and it wasn’t their graduation. So, what exactly is Tsukishima waiting for? Is he waiting at all or is he just wasting time out of fear? Fear of change and of being a disappointment. He takes a deep drag out of the cigarette and his eyes water. He’s disappointed Yamaguchi more times than he can count, and his best friend has never given up on him. Why would this time be any different?
The air is crisp and cold and there is an empty spot next to Tsukishima where Yamaguchi is supposed to be, laughing and pointedly avoiding the smoke coming out of Tsukishima’s lips, even though he will kiss the bitter flavour from them later. Tsukishima realises with a beating heart that the only reason Yamaguchi isn’t here next to him, right where he’s supposed to be, is because of Tsukishima’s foolish, selfish desire to protect himself from change.
He snuffs the remaining cigarette on the ground and makes his way back inside with determination twisting in his guts.
He finds Yamaguchi in the living room again. He’s not dancing this time, he’s sitting on the couch with a drink in his hand, his hair is messy from all the times Tsukishima ran his own fingers through it on the dance floor and his face is beautiful and glowing from the heat of the room and alcohol. Tsukishima stands in the doorway, admiring him, until he notices that Yamaguchi’s body is turned towards the man next to him. They’re talking and Yamaguchi laughs at something the guy says. Tsukishima’s stomach turns at the sight of the man’s eyes roaming over Yamaguchi.
He makes his way over towards the couches and stops right in front of Yamaguchi who barely spares him a glance.
“Yamaguchi.”
“What.”
“Can we talk?”
“Oh, so now you want to talk?”
“Yes.” Yamaguchi finally turns towards him and keeps his surprisingly steady eyes on Tsukishima. He searches for something in his face and Tsukishima desperately tries to give it to him. The colourful lights move across Yamaguchi’s face and Tsukishima can tell he’s been crying. He waits for Yamaguchi to tell him to leave or to scream but it never comes. “Let’s just go home, Tadashi. I’m tired,” he pleads. The usage of Yamaguchi’s given name is unfair, and he knows it. He watches Yamaguchi’s face soften a little bit and waits.
“Fine,” Yamaguchi sighs eventually. He turns back towards the man who’s been watching their whole exchange. “Sorry, maybe we can talk more some other time. I have to go.”
His gaze flicks from Yamaguchi to Tsukishima then back and he shrugs. “It’s fine. I didn’t know I was stepping on anyone’s turf, so…”
“O-oh, no, don’t worry, it’s really not like that-“
“It’s fine, really. Go talk to your…” he measures Tsukishima with a curious gaze, “friend.”
Tsukishima scoffs and Yamaguchi opens his mouth to say something, but Tsukishima cuts him off before another round of denial rids him of all his remaining resolve.
“Yamaguchi, let’s go.” He offers his best friend his hand. Yamaguchi takes it.
They slip out of the house and onto the quiet, cold street. Tsukishima feels completely sober now, as he’s walking right next to Yamaguchi and can feel his own heart beating out of his chest.
“So…” Yamaguchi starts.
“So… what?”
“You wanted to talk?”
“Oh.” Tsukishima looks at Yamaguchi, nerves bubbling in his veins. “You want to talk… right now?”
Yamaguchi shrugs. “No time like the present.”
“Sure, I guess.” Tsukishima takes a breath as he searches for anything to say. “I just- I’m sorry.”
Yamaguchi looks at him, slight surprise colouring his face, because Tsukishima doesn’t apologise often. Definitely not as often as he should. Yamaguchi turns away quickly, eyes glued to the sidewalk underneath them, so obviously trying to not let his surprise and curiosity show. Too bad, Tsukishima knows him too well.
“For what?”
“What I said earlier.”
“What part, exactly.”
Tsukishima sighs. “You know what I’m talking about, Yamaguchi.” As soon as the words leave his lips Tsukishima knows this is not the right thing to say. Yamaguchi’s face twists into a frown.
“No, Tsukki. You- If you want to talk, then let’s talk. But you actually have to talk to me. I’m done guessing. Say what you actually mean, for once.” They both freeze when the words echo in the empty street. The memory of the first time Yamaguchi said those words strikes through them both like lightning. And Yamaguchi is right. If Tsukishima wants to do this, if he wants to kiss Yamaguchi ever again, he has to be truthful with him.
“Yeah,” he breathes. Yamaguchi stands in front of him, eyes glassy with tears and face so open and full of expectation. “You’re right. I- I’m sorry. I’m sorry for kissing you and saying it didn’t mean anything.”
“But did you mean that?” Yamaguchi fires back, voice shaky. “Because if you did, Tsukki, then I need you to be honest with me. I don’t want you to apologise for how you feel, but I need you to tell me what you want from me. You already kissed me once and then you pretended like it didn’t happen. And that hurt, it hurt a lot, Tsukki. And now- you were about to do it again and I just don’t- I can’t do it a second time. It feels like you don’t take me seriously, because- You know, right? You have to know. Everyone does.”
“Know what?” Tsukishima says with a bated breath.
“That I like you,” Yamaguchi confesses, face twisted in desperation. “That I’m in love with you. And I just- I have no idea what you want, and it feels like you don’t care, and it hurts, Tsukki.”
Tsukishima takes a deep breath. “I do care, Yamaguchi. I’m just… scared.”
Yamaguchi looks genuinely shocked. “Scared of what?”
“I- I’m scared of everything changing between us, of hurting you or disappointing you,” he offers his heart, open and bleeding, to his best friend. “There is just so much that can go wrong, and it scares me. Are you not scared?”
“W-what are you trying to say, Tsukki?”
Tsukishima takes a breath and looks at Yamaguchi, his Yamaguchi that he’s been in love with for way too long. The world holds its breath.
“That I love you. That I’ve been trying to confess to you since our graduation but I just- You’re the most important person in my life and I’m so scared of fucking this up. I look for you in every room I enter, Tadashi. You’re my best friend and I don’t think I could lose you.” His chest feels lighter, free of his secret, but the heavy silence stretching between them makes up for the weight.
“You won’t, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi says as he takes a step towards Tsukishima. He stretches his hand and touches Tsukishima’s elbow, electric. He slides his touch down Tsukishima’s arm and holds his hand with both of his own hands, freckles against pale moonlight. “Kei. You won’t lose me. I’ve been in love with you for years, you’ve hurt me before. But I’m still here. You can’t get rid of me that easily.” Tsukishima smiles. It’s a cheesy line, but as Yamaguchi says it, he knows it rings true. “And change- Change can be good. If we really want this, some things will have to change. That’s just how this stuff works.”
Tsukishima takes a breath and swallows. It feels like this is the first time him and Yamaguchi are touching, meeting eyes, because his heart is beating so fast he’s sure Yamaguchi can feel it thrumming under his bare skin.
“I know. I guess if it’s with you, I don’t mind doing the work,” he says finally. He wants to kiss him again, run his tongue along his teeth, count his freckles and then start over again. He wants, wants, wants.
Yamaguchi smiles at him, relieved and happier than Tsukishima has seen him in weeks. “I’m glad.”
They both look at each other, eyes searching like it’s the first time they’re really looking. Yamaguchi’s eyes are still a little glassy, the lamp behind them reflects it’s light from them. Tsukishima looks at his favourite freckle on Yamaguchi’s face, it’s right by the corner of his left eye, and its darker than the others. He wants to kiss it.
“Can I kiss you now?” Tsukishima’s mouth betrays him.
“God, yes.” Yamaguchi slides his hand up to the back of Tsukishima’s neck, drags him forward and kisses him before Tsukishima can even blink.
This kiss is different than their other ones. It’s soft and gentle. Not messy and tentative like their first one, or hungry and passionate like the one they shared just earlier tonight. It’s sweet, sickly sweet and full of love and all the unsaid things they’ve been keeping from each other for years that they will whisper to each other under the bedsheets in the next few days as their love changes and blossoms.
Tsukishima slides his hand underneath Yamaguchi’s sharp jawline as they deepen the kiss. He wants to ask how many people have you kissed before me, how long did I make you wait, but he doesn’t break the contact. Because right now he’s kissing Tadashi, the moon and the stars watching over them, and maybe for the first time, they’re on the same page, finally not chasing each other, but standing side by side.