Work Text:
The Beastialis Animus Potion
(as torn from the 7th year textbook of one Ronald B. Weasley)
#Answer me this: Why do we have to learn this ruddy potion? I mean, most people can't even become Animagi anyway, so why make a potion to tell you which animal you'll be? Why should we be forced to slump around forever saying "Oh my, I could have been a Spotted Owl Animagus, but alas, it was not to be"? Seriously, come on!#
*Shhh, pay attention, Ron!*
#Oh, alright, Hermione. Let's see ...#
1 pint Armadillo Bile.
# Yurk!!#
1 measure Powdered Graphorn Horn.
# Well, at least we didn't have to gather it ourselves at the night of the new moon or something mind-numbing like that#
2 pinches of finely chopped Fluxweed.
# I can live with that; not disgusting or hazardous to your health#
1 medium sprig of Lovage.
# How much is a medium sprig? Who determines that sort of thing? Why- Ouch, Hermione, stop kicking me!#
5 ounces of Diced Frog Brain.
# One word: killmekillmenow#
3 live Leeches, recently fed.
# Don't you come near me with that thing, Harry!#
Instructions:
Place size 2 cauldron over a roaring fire, add Bile, bring to the boil.
#If I ever get a boil, I'm not getting any of this stuff on it, I tell you.#
Add the Powdered Graphorn Horn and stir clock-wise with wooden spoon for exactly 2 minutes.
# Hrmph, even I can do that. Beat that, Hermione!#
*I'd be delighted, Ron, look at the next line.*
Sprinkle in Fluxweed and keep stirring clock-wise while humming the third chorus of "Rule Britannia".
# AARRGGHHH. Well, at least it's a British potion. If it'd been French we'd be completely stuffed.#
Stop stirring and add sprig of Lovage, let boil until leaves turn white and dissolve.
# Errrr, Herms, are we supposed to sample this afterwards?#
*Yes, 'Ronald', and never call me 'Herms' ever again if you want to maintain the family tradition of ten children per generation!*
# Alright, alright, sheesh ...#
Add your Diced Frog Brain.
# I'll never stop washing my hands. And what do they mean, 'your' Frog Brain, anyway?#
Let simmer for 20 minutes and 46 seconds before adding 3 Leeches, sliced for better permiation, and draw a circle in the surface froth with your spoon to test if the potion has the correct colour and consistency, a thick lilac syrup, before immediately taking it off the fire. Let rest for the time it takes you to say "Lirrumlirrumlai" 42 times and pour the finished potion into vials. Will only keep for 27 hours at standard dungeon temperature.
# Err, 'Mione, my sweet, my darling? I'm not sure I want to try this very much. Can I sample yours instead?#
*Oh, fine! Just don't let Snape see, and remember we have lunch now and the effect will keep for ... two ... hours ...*
*Uhmm, Ron?*
*Well, I can safely say you are the cutest red-haired slug I've ever seen.*