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"My dear, you do have to get married at some point."
"Do you have Xaden for me?"
"Catriona, you have to give him up. The ceremony was last week in Tyrrendor. You chose not to go, but not seeing it happen doesn't mean that it didn't. Though I did hear that he and that Sorrengail girl were supposedly already married. Decent scandal, that."
"Hmph. And she said I was bad for him ..."
"What was that?"
"Oh, nothing uncle. I'm just still very angry at Sorrengail."
"I know, but since the Riorson heir is no longer available, we do have to think of different options."
"Perhaps I can help with that."
"Maraya! How wonderful to see you."
"Your Majesty."
"Catriona. Nice to see you've developed some proper respect finally. Oh, don't look so angry, girl. It does absolutely nothing for you."
"Yes, well, she's had to learn a few tough lessons, unfortunately."
"More like fortunately."
"What was that Maraya? I didn't quite catch that."
"Oh nothing, Tecarus. But I do have a match for Catriona, if she's willing to take it. It is one appropriate for her station."
"I ..."
"Well, Cat? You're almost out of options. And time. It's either get married or find a job. You know you can't stay around here forever, as much as I might like it."
"How much time do I have to think it over?"
"Maraya?"
"Not horribly long."
"I guess I don't have much of a choice then. When would I meet him, Your Majesty?"
"As soon as you'd like. Alic, you may enter."
"Well hello there, gorgeous."
"Catriona Cordella, niece of Viscount Tecarus, distant cousin of myself, please meet Prince Alic, second son of King Tauri of Navarre."
"Uncle, I do believe this will be acceptable to me."
"Wonderful! Maraya, how soon can we have the ceremony?"
"As soon as you'd like, Tecarus."
"Fantastic. We'll get the invites out and have it as soon as we can manage. If that's okay with the two of you, of course."
"Absolutely, Uncle."
"Perfectly acceptable to me as well."
****
"Okaaaayyyy ... and why did you want me to listen to this again? I mean, it's nice to know how those two idiots got introduced to each other, but otherwise ..."
"Hold on, love - there's another file. Give me a second ... and here."
****
"Alic, I never thought I'd see the day where you got married, but we made it here. Congratulations."
"Thanks, Father."
"And to you as well, Catriona. Let me officially welcome you to the family."
"Thank you, Your Majesty."
"You can call me Dad, if you'd like. I know both of your parents have passed on."
"I ... will take that into consideration."
"Of course. Now, I will leave you two be. Congratulations once again."
"Oh good, finally alone with my stunningly gorgeous wife."
"You're not too bad yourself, husband."
"Come here ..."
****
"... oh gods wrong file. FUCK. Fucking Garrick ... where did he put it ..."
"Oh thank Malek that's not what you wanted me to hear. I do NOT need to hear fucking Alic Tauri and Catriona Cordella-Tauri having sex."
"No one needs to hear that. I apologize."
"You better."
"... come here and I'll show you how sorry I am?"
"... very tempting, but if you do, we're going to completely forget the reason you brought me here to listen to these files in the first place - oh gods."
*inaudible*
"Just a small apology first."
*inaudible*
"Gods you're an asshole sometimes. I love you but fuck husband."
"As long as you love me, wife. Okay, let's try this file."
****
"Halden. How not nice to see you."
"The sentiment is equally returned, Alic."
"Having fun playing king? It's so nice that Dad feels comfortable enough with you to let you pretend to run things. How long will it last, do you think? Will the people be okay with two queens as opposed to an actual king?"
"And do you think that you would be better for the job?"
"Like you even have to ask. I was always the strongest brother. You're weak and everyone knows it. Your choice of ... partner ... just proves it."
"And here I was hoping marriage might have matured you a little. Pity. It's also a pity how you prove your unworthiness to the throne with every single word you say, clearly demonstrating your ignorance of our kingdom. But I get it, it is incredibly hard work learning a country's people and listening to them. But don't worry, brother. I'll make sure that you and your line never have to be burdened with such trivial things."
"... what do you mean?"
"Oh, just that I've made my first Royal Order, is all. Nothing you need to concern yourself about. Dad co-signed it, by the way - you can talk to him about it."
"Halden. The fuck. Tell me."
"And why should I, Alic? I'm just playing pretend, aren't I? Therefore it needn't bother you."
"Halden."
"Alic."
"... fucking fine. Halden, please."
"Since you asked me so nicely, brother. Now, whenever I choose to abdicate the throne, the next in line of succession will be now be Cam and then his offspring - male or female. You and yours will never have to worry about it. Toodles."
"Halden. HALDEN. FUCKING GET BACK HERE, HALDEN. WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS. HAAAALLLLDDDEEEENNNNNN!"
"... Alic, darling? What just happened? Why were you screaming? Why are you on the ground, sobbing?"
"My ... fucking ... brother ... *hic* ..."
"... what did he do?"
"I don't know how to tell you this, Catriona, love ... but I've been cut out of succession. As have any future children of ours."
"... WHAT?!?!?"
"Fucking tell me about it."
*loud, high-pitched screeching*
****
"Obviously nothing will ever top last year, but this was a damn good birthday present, husband. Although should I really be so happy to hear about Alic and Cat's misery?"
"There is a reason I call you Violence, love."
"I suppose there is. Too bad not all backup plans work out. I'm perfectly content with mine."
"Just content?"
"You know exactly how happy I am with you."
"You're right. I do. Now, let me give you the present I wanted to give you last year ..."
"Mmmm, you don't have to convince me. By the way, it's good we ended up not fucking last year."
"Oh? And why is that, Violence?"
"Because then it truly would have been the perfect birthday and anything after would always just be disappointing."
"... we might have to come to a truce on birthday presents, then."
"And why is that?"
*kissing sounds*
"Because I got you on mine. Just you, without the royal fanfare. And I got to fu-"
"Shit. Xaden, not that I don't love you, but is there a reason you're recording right now?"
"... no? I'm not recording anything ...? Why the fuck do you ask?"
"Look up there. See the light?"
"... fucking Garrick. I am going to fucking murder that godsdamned asshole ... let me find the cord and there -"