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Jaiden feels clingy, and tired, and fuzzy.
None of which are uncommon feelings — she loves touch, she knows this. And everything’s been exhausting lately. The fuzziness is a little new, but it’s not a bad feeling, so… she doesn’t mind it, really.
It’s just a matter of what to do about it. At this point, everyone in the House knows she likes to cuddle, so it wouldn’t surprise anyone if she came knocking on their door asking for it— but does she really want to bother everyone with that? Does she really want to make them pay attention to her?
The fuzziness maybe is a little bad in this scenario. As nice as it is to feel a little younger, to smile a little easier— it’s… embarrassing. And only so many people know about it, and it’s scary to tell people.
She always feels so wobbly and uncoordinated when she’s like this, too. Everything’s just harder. It’s… not the most fun thing in the world.
But at least there are some people who know about it, and who like taking care of her. Like Fyrus. He’d said that, hadn’t he?
Somewhere between soothing purrs, he’d told her, “I don’t know what was up earlier— I don’t know why you were acting differently than normal. But… I enjoyed taking care of you. I just want you happy, y’know?”
It’s this that makes her realize she hasn’t actually talked to Fyrus in a couple days— and she misses him. So… maybe now is as good a time as any to go hang out?
Standing on shaky legs, Jaiden makes her way down the hall until she’s stood before his door.
It’s a bit more daunting now that she’s here. But it’s gonna be fine— it’s gotta be.
With some hesitance, she reaches up and knocks on the door. Hopefully, it’s loud enough.
…She receives no response.
She knocks again, a little louder this time.
Still, nothing.
If he didn’t want her to come in, he would’ve told her not to, right? She can at least take a peek. Maybe he just can’t hear her.
Cracking the door open, Jaiden pokes her head inside to look around.
“…Fyrus?” she calls gently, only to spot him curled up in his bed, the tip of his tail pulled close to his chest.
Oh.
He’s asleep. Alright.
It’s all too tempting to crawl into his bed beside him, pry his arms open until they’re wrapped around her instead, press herself against his chest and scratch behind his ears until she hears those delightful purrs— but she resists.
She shouldn’t. He’s sleeping, and she certainly doesn’t want to wake him, especially not by making him cuddle with her. What if it makes him uncomfortable? She’d be forcing him to deal with her clinginess immediately upon waking up— she frowns, guilt swirling in her stomach at the idea.
She backs away, closing the door again. Someone else, then.
Jacob, her head immediately supplies.
Which, well… She hasn’t exactly talked to them about the whole fuzzy-head, feeling-small thing, but she’s pretty sure they know. And she’s lived with them long enough to know they’re used to her asking for affection, verbally or not.
Not a bad idea, then, Jaiden supposes. A little scary, but… it’s fine. It’s Jacob. They care about her. She knows this.
(She doesn’t know it, really. But they’ve said it a million times, and something about this headspace just makes it a little easier to believe.)
Their door isn’t a far walk, thankfully— Jaiden’s not super confident in her ability to stay upright. She’s managed so far, but…
Well, she’ll worry about it later.
Muffled shouting comes from inside. Cheering, she thinks, or maybe an argument? She can’t really tell. She shifts her weight nervously, but reaches up to knock anyway.
“Come in!” she hears Jacob call.
Upon opening the door, she finds Jacob and Dash squished up next to each other on Jacob’s bed. Neither of them look over at her, far too engaged in whatever they’re doing.
“You’re done for,” Dash tells Jacob, slinging an arm around their shoulders, “You’re gone. You’re fucked.”
“No, I’ve got this,” Jacob shrugs him off, “Trust, man.”
“Jacob, dude,” he says, pointing at the TV, where a game is displayed. Smash, it looks to be. “You’re losing.”
“Only ‘cause you’re sabotaging me,” they reply, elbowing him.
“Ow! Come on, I’m the most wholesome man in the world,” Dash says, reaching for Jacob’s controller, “I’d never stoop to something so un-wholesome as sabotage.”
“You literally are right now!” Jacob yanks their hands away, holding their controller as far out of Dash’s reach as they can.
…This doesn’t exactly look like prime time for cuddling, Jaiden realizes.
She turns to leave, only for Dash to finally look over and notice that she’s there.
“Oh, Jaiden, hey!” he waves, “Come join us! Jacob and I are just taking turns beating up randos in Smash. Jacob’s being a little loser, though.”
“I am not,” Jacob huffs, “Dash is cheating.”
“You were already cheating in the first place!” Dash exclaims, “I’m just making it a little more fair for the kid on the other side of the screen, dude.”
“You never wanted to give this mercy to the guys you fought against,” they say, “And I’m not cheating! How would I?”
Jaiden takes her chance to leave while they’re arguing again, too focused on each other to really notice that she’s gone. It’s not— It’s not that it’s bad that they’re making fun of each other, or arguing, or anything, because she knows it’s all in play.
She loves her friends. She’s glad they’re having fun.
But it’s… abrasive, and loud, and Jaiden’s not sure she really has the energy to keep up with it. She’s not sure she has the energy for much beyond cuddling, and trying to be entertaining and funny and playful is hard.
And she doesn’t want to just make them stop. She’s not worth it. They shouldn’t have to give it up just for her.
…She’s back in the hallway, now, with no clue what to do or who to go to.
Jaiden leans against the wall with a sigh. She only feels even more fuzzy, her head full of cotton as she reaches up to rub her eyes.
It’s fine. She’s fine. She still has options.
Like… maybe Cade? He gives some great hugs, and… he doesn’t know, but she’s pretty sure he’d be fine with it. Besides, he might just assume she’s a little sleepy and think nothing of it if she plays her cards right.
She doesn’t need to explain anything. And even if she did, she’s not sure she could — she still doesn’t really know what this is, she just knows it happens — but she doesn’t think Cade would press too much.
He’ll back down if she asks. He’s kind like that.
Jaiden makes her way to his door next, this time not giving herself a chance to hesitate before she knocks.
Like with Fyrus, she receives no answer, not even when she knocks a second time. And, like with Fyrus, she pokes her head inside to look around anyway.
Unlike with Fyrus, however, she’s greeted by an empty room.
This might usually be no cause for concern, but it’s the House— Jaiden can’t be sure that nothing bad happened. She grabs her phone — good god, her hands are shaky — and pulls up her texts with Cade. Better safe than sorry, right?
jaiden
hhey um
where are you?
She steps out of his room, closing the door behind her. No real reason to stay in there. She leans against the wall again, trying to keep herself from getting too anxious— but it’s really not the anxiety getting to her.
She’s just… lonely, really. And she doesn’t want to bother her friends. They’re all doing things, and she can’t just barge in and take over, though she almost wishes she could. She just— she wants to be held, damn it. She wants to let herself relax and be taken care of. But—
Cade responds.
cade
I’m making dinner for me and Smith
You want any?
Smith. Right.
The two of them have been practically inseparable since they both arrived in the House — and that’s not bad, no, she understands entirely. She just…
She feels like she’s intruding, sometimes, when she’s with both of them. It’s never anything they do that makes her feel this way, she just… does.
jaiden
im good
thank u
cade
You sure?
You do have to eat, you know.
Jaiden squirms a little. She almost wishes she hadn’t told him about her whole… fast metabolism thing. It causes too much unnecessary worry.
jaiden
i know, i will
cade
Okay.
Did you need something, by the way? I didn’t mean to redirect the conversation, sorry haha
She pauses, her fingers hovering over the keyboard.
jaiden
i feel really lonely
i need you
can you come upstairs?
Jaiden deletes every text she types, unable to stifle a frustrated whine. Thankfully, it’s quiet — though it’s not like there’s anyone around to hear it.
cade
You’ve been typing for a while. You ok?
She shakes her head. It’s fine. She’s being stupid. Childish.
jaiden
im ok
i don’t need anything, dont worry about it
cade
Okay. Let me know if you do end up needing something later
I’ll save some leftovers for you
Her heart swells. Why does he care so much?
jaiden
you don’t have to
cade
I’m going to
jaiden
oksy
sorry
thank you
cade
No worries :)
She puts her phone in her pocket, reaching up to hold her head in her hands.
…Okay. That’s two less options, then— no Cade, no Smith.
There’s really only one feasible option left. Sure, she could try going to Void, but Void’s been weird and standoffish and she doesn’t know how he’d react to this— and maybe she could go to Giwi, but Giwi’s been sleeping a lot, and Jaiden doesn’t want to have to interrupt that.
Jan, then.
Jan. She shakes her head— this is a bad idea. Jan doesn’t exactly enjoy touch, much less cuddling. And he doesn’t even enjoy being in the House, so he probably wouldn’t enjoy being around Jaiden— she’s just gonna end up bothering him, and he’ll hate her, and god, this is going horribly.
Still, she’s at his door. And still, she ends up knocking, despite the anxiety threatening to choke her, silence her, making her incapable of any sound ever again.
“Come in,” Jan calls, his voice muffled through the door— when Jaiden pushes it open, she catches sight of him at his desk, clicking and tapping his keyboard here and there.
“Hi,” she says quietly, closing the door behind her and stepping into the room. Jan doesn’t even spare her a glance, his eyes trained on his monitor.
Her chest aches. This is bad. She’s bad. She shouldn’t be here, she should go back to her room, she—
“…Hey, Jaiden,” Jan says, pulling an ear of his headphones off. His chair swivels a little towards her, but he still doesn’t turn his head. “Do you… need something?”
“Um,” Jaiden waddles up to his side, looking up at him nervously. “Hi.”
Finally, he turns to look at her. He raises an eyebrow, cocking his head to the side. “Hi?”
“Hi,” she repeats, unsure if she can say much of anything else— unsure if she can do much of anything else.
Jan blinks. He removes his headphones completely, squinting at her. “What?”
Jaiden shivers, looking away. It should be so easy to ask for, it should be so easy to get— but what if, what if, what if?
She shakes her head, stepping back towards the door again.
Jan pauses for a moment, as if he’s… thinking about something. He seems to hesitate, but then—
“…Are you okay?” he asks, his voice all too soft, his demeanor all too nervous. This isn’t right. Jan’s not supposed to be nervous.
Still, Jaiden can’t find it in herself to lie. She shakes her head, looking down at her feet, trying to imagine herself melting into the floor and becoming nonexistent.
“Can I… uh…” Jan’s voice is soft, but strained. He’s not supposed to be concerned. That’s not what Jan does. Jaiden’s messing things up— this isn’t how it’s supposed to be. “Can I help, at all?”
She stays quiet, for a moment, a spiral of self-hatred spinning in her head. But eventually, she looks up, and tries to speak.
Her mouth fails her. All that comes out is a weak warble, a tiny cry for help, a regretful mistake.
She shakes her head, as if to reject the sound she’d made— and then reaches her arms out, nervous. Just a hug, that’s all she wants. She’ll leave after that. Everything can go back to how it’s supposed to be.
Slowly, Jan gets up from his desk and approaches her. His movements are tense and stiff but he continues anyway, as if Jaiden is more important than his (dis)comfort. As if Jaiden matters more. She doesn’t, but that’s okay. She doesn’t, and he’s wrong to think so, but maybe it’s okay if she takes advantage of that just this once.
And finally, when they meet, Jaiden wraps her arms around him as tight as she can, burying her face in his chest and letting the rest of the world fall away. It doesn’t matter that Jan is tense against her, and only hugs back loosely. It doesn’t matter that Jan is clearly only doing this for her. It doesn’t matter that it only lasts seconds before Jan is pulling away again, despite Jaiden never quite letting go— her fingers grasp his hoodie all too tightly and only when he gently tugs it away does she realize.
“Thank you,” she mumbles, far too quiet for really anyone to hear, but still Jan nods in response.
And then it’s over.
(Jan can’t shake a strange feeling he gets after she leaves.
It’s worry, he realizes, as it twists around his heart. He doesn’t want to admit it, but there is care there.
…Still, it’s not exactly something he’s equipped to deal with. He sends a quick text to the groupchat:
Jan
Hey. I think Jaiden could use some company. I can’t go help her out right now, but one of you should.
There. Someone else can deal with it.
The worry doesn’t leave, even after several people text back saying they’ll go check on her — but he finds it in himself to ignore it.)
With tears she can hardly feel on her face, only recognized by her blurry vision, Jaiden makes her way back to her room. For a moment, she once again considers going to Void, or maybe Giwi, but, well… neither of them know about her regression, exactly. And she’s not so sure how she feels about cuddling with them— not that it would be bad, per se, but she’s just… unsure of where their comforts with it lie, and she’d be far too anxious of overstepping to really get comfortable.
So instead, Jaiden gathers up various pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals, and makes somewhat of a nest in her bed. Amongst all the fabric, she curls up in the tightest ball she can, and pretends she isn’t shaking, or sobbing, or even wailing as she snuggles into her stuffies.
It isn’t easy being alone. She’s felt alone like this far too many times — it’s a familiar feeling, yet still, it’s far too cold to be comforting.
It’s funny, she thinks, though not in the way that makes her laugh. Somehow, in a house full of people, constantly growing and changing and even gaining more people, Jaiden still manages to feel lonely.
As she pulls a stuffed Joltik close to her chest, she finds one of its legs in her mouth, chewing gently to both muffle her sobs and self-soothe. Her wings curl tight around her and her stuffies, keeping her warm and hiding her from the world. The world, or the House, living and breathing around her, eyes on everyone, constantly. She half wonders if she’ll ever get to live again without feeling watched.
Though, the constant presence of something still isn’t enough of a presence to be anything but anxiety-inducing. Perhaps if the House were kinder, she could have a friend when she’s small like this — since none of her other friends seem to have time for her. And really, it’s okay that they don’t— it’s her problem, after all, and they’re allowed to do whatever they want. Jaiden’s just a liability. She’s just a kid, and that’s not what they need— not right now. Not with everything constantly going wrong around them.
Caught up in her thoughts, Jaiden doesn’t hear the soft creak as her door opens. She doesn’t see the light filtering through, doesn’t see the figures in the doorway, doesn’t hear the low murmuring of their voices mingling together. She doesn’t even catch the whiff of fresh grilled cheese now wafting through the air, too sniffly and teary to smell much of anything.
What she does notice, however, is, “Birdie?”
With wet eyes, Jaiden lifts her head, despite the weakness that makes her want to lower it again. “Da’?”
Dash, she’s calling. And sure enough, he’s here, along with Cade, Smith, and Jacob.
“Hey, kiddo,” he greets, making his way in. The other three wait in the doorway, though Jaiden’s much too preoccupied to be wonder why. “You, uh… you doing okay?”
“No,” she sniffles, quickly shaking her head — bad idea. The headache she hadn’t noticed she had sends down a much worse, sharp pang at the movement, and she chokes down a sob at the pain. “Ev’rything’s bad. ‘N me, too.”
“You’re not bad, dude,” Dash takes a seat on her bed, taking one of her hands into his, “You’re not bad at all. Can I… can I ask why you think you are?”
Jaiden shifts so she’s sitting up with her knees held close to her chest, resting her head on Dash’s shoulder. She’s not sure what to say — she doesn’t really know why she’s bad, she just knows that she is. That’s just how it works. She’s bad, and everyone else is good, and every time something goes wrong, it’s her fault.
“…Okay,” Dash says, seemingly taking her silence as an answer. “D’you feel up to eating, kiddo? Maybe you’ll feel a little better after that.”
She hadn’t realized it until he brought it up, but she is pretty hungry— it’s been a good few hours since she’s eaten, after all. She hadn’t meant for it to be that long, but… well, time gets away from her sometimes.
“M’kay,” Jaiden mumbles, nuzzling against Dash. Her tears leave little wet spots on his sleeve, but he doesn’t seem to mind.
“Awesome,” he says, giving her a gentle smile. “Cade made you some grilled cheese. Is it okay if he comes in? Jacob and Smith are here too, but they can wait ‘til you’re ready.”
Oh, right. Other people are here, too.
It sounds a little intimidating having so many people in her room at once, but… they’re all people she likes, and people she trusts when she feels this small. Maybe it’ll be okay.
“All of ‘em c’n come in,” she decides, after a moment to think.
Dash gives her a nod, then waves the other three in from his spot on the bed. Jaiden stays snuggled into his side, slowly leaning further and further into him, even as the others approach.
“You feel up to eating, Jaiden?” asks Cade as he comes close, holding a plate of warm grilled cheese out to her. “If not, I can just set it aside. No worries.”
Hesitantly, she reaches out to take the plate. Cade doesn’t let go until it’s stable in her hands — which, to her slight embarrassment, takes a moment. But eventually, she takes it and holds it close, lifting up one of the slices of grilled cheese and starting to nibble.
She is really hungry, and maybe in any other circumstance she’d devour this in seconds, but… this isn’t any other circumstance. This is now, and now, she’s too nervous and fuzzy to eat any faster than a few small bites at a time. It doesn’t matter if the grilled cheese gets cold, she couldn’t eat any faster if she tried.
Cade and Smith take their seats on the floor below her, right next to the side of her bed. They look up at her, watching her warily — which she doesn’t really mind, but the acute awareness of it doesn’t exactly help the nerves.
Meanwhile, Jacob takes their seat on her other side, opposite to Dash.
“Can I touch your wings?” they ask, all too softly to let Jaiden keep herself together.
More tears well up again, and she nods, words escaping her. Carefully, she opens up her wings towards them, the feathers slowly spreading apart.
Her wings aren’t in particularly bad shape, but Jacob starts to preen them anyway — presumably more to make it feel nice than to actually clean them.
Jaiden lets out a trill as their fingers card through her feathers, though the sound comes out teary and small. She continues to eat, and quiet chatter starts up around her. They’re not ignoring her, but she just doesn’t have anything to say — it’s nice to listen, anyway.
Eventually, she finishes, and Cade stands to take the plate away. He says something about taking it to the kitchen, and then essentially disappears — though Jaiden’s barely paying attention, so there may have been… more than that.
As nice as this is, though, Jaiden… does want more. Or, really, just… something different. She wants to cuddle, and not just with Dash like she currently is — she wants to try and cuddle with all of them. It might be tricky, but… it’d be nice.
She’s not sure how to ask for it, though. Everyone else is already talking to each other, and she feels if she tries to speak loud enough to cut in, she’ll just start sobbing again. And she doesn’t want that! Crying isn’t fun, it gives her the worst headaches.
Fortunately, Smith speaks up, “Hey, Jaiden, d’you wanna do anything?” they ask, “I know you’re all small ‘n stuff, but if there’s anything you want, we can do it.”
“…Um, c’n we all cuddle?” Jaiden mumbles, and though it’s quiet, she’s pretty sure everyone can hear her.
“Fff— uh, heck yeah,” Smith says, stumbling over their words a little— Jaiden giggles, all too aware of what they almost said. “How ‘bout you direct us to whatever position you want, ‘n then we can go from there?”
With a nod of agreement, the four — and soon five, as Cade comes back in the midst of it all — of them shuffle around in slight chaos to try and figure out how best to make it all work. At first, Jaiden tries to fit everyone onto her bed, where she made her nest, but… it just doesn’t work. Not how she wants it to, at least.
To avoid more tears, Jacob and Smith help her move her nest to the floor, while Dash and Cade gather more blankets to make it bigger. And eventually, it’s big enough to fit them all, and so cozy.
After some time, Jaiden finds herself sprawled out with her head on Cade’s chest and talons gently hooked onto Jacob’s shirt. Dash is nuzzled into Jacob’s side, and Smith into Cade’s, with Jaiden’s wings spread out over them all like a blanket (despite their abundance of blankets their could easily use instead).
The quiet chatter from before starts up again, though it tapers off much sooner — to Jaiden, at least, as she grows sleepier and sleepier, paying less and less attention to her surroundings.
Finally, after a hard, lonely day, Jaiden is surrounded by some of her best friends. And she’s cozy, and warm, and she’s still crying but now it’s good. Now, she’s happy.