Work Text:
The sky was indigo when she woke, early twilight beckoning the song of crickets and the barest of souls. Slipping out of Levi’s embrace, she ignored his sleepy grumble and crept over to the nearby window, where she pressed her nose to the cold glass. The snowflakes danced just out of reach, threatening to infiltrate the cozy little paradise she’d deceived herself into thinking she deserved. As if compelled by the thought alone, she looked back at him, her sleeping lover.
As long as she’d known him, Levi had slept with unease. The furrow between his eyebrows rarely ceased, only softening when thick lashes hooded over dark eyes in the night. Before her, he’d slept in a chair, now abandoned in a spotless corner of his room. He had one arm tossed over his chest and the other searching for her sleepily, the faintest pout on his lips. She quietly laughed to herself. Cute. She immediately chastised herself for the thought, disgust at her own cheerfulness pooling at the bottom of her stomach.
Opening the window a bit, she stuck her head out to marvel at the snow. It was white, pure as the souls of the new recruits who joined the Survey Corps. Their eager ranks yearned to hunt down titans and seek the thrill of the kill. They were innocent, soft. Nothing like the sickly warm hue of the blood on her hands, the red on white that tracked through her every thought and curdled her veins as though punishing her for daring to remain alive when so many had died. For tossing aside her humanity to remain inherently selfish. For entertaining the idea of deluding herself into happiness with him, her angel.
She knew she didn’t deserve him. He was selfless, empathetic, genuine, everything she ought to be and yet severely lacked. Levi didn’t want a monster like her, someone so useless and self-loathing. He always claimed he wasn’t good enough for her, that he was a shitty excuse of a man with nothing to give her, but she saw the truth of him in the eyes he so desperately tried to keep from looking at her. Against all odds, she’d become drawn to the light behind the walls he worked so tirelessly to maintain. She had no idea what he’d seen in her; yet, she’d fallen for him as instantly as a moth to a flame.
He’d named his horse. He’d refused to tell her what it was ever since she caught him muttering to it one day and she hadn’t stopped teasing him since. She’d bring him apples for his horse and notice other things to point out along the way: his mannerisms with tea, his soft treatment of the brats, his odd penchant for cleaning anything with a speck of dust on it- it all became impossibly endearing entirely too fast. For her, it became a routine to bother him, his attention quickly becoming a drug she couldn’t help but crave more and more of. In turn, those unusual qualities of his translated to her: blunt notes left on her desk, a cup of tea barely cooling as she made her way to work, an oddly-clean bookshelf when she came in the next day. All the more for her to point out; she pretended not to see the tips of his ears turn red. Levi quickly found out that the only thing that’d shut her up was a kiss. And he’d been hers ever since.
And yet. He was far too good for this world, deserving of love and affection from someone who could match his soul tenfold. He must’ve been an angel, for the rare smile that lit his face could’ve atoned for all of the hatred that churned within her. Yet she knew it was futile; she was the worst type of person. Admired by many, loved by all. Despised by none except the little voice in her head constantly pushing her to give up on her dreams and die. Even the cadets clustered around her, eager for her warmth, praise, and the occasional sugary treat.
She’d made them pie once. Apple. Sugar was a delicacy in the Survey Corps and the pie was no different. She still remembered the nostalgic look on Jean’s face and how Sasha had crammed spoonfuls into her mouth. She’d made them happy; she knew that. But what was the point when it was only temporary joy? When the next thing she might be staring at were their corpses so badly mutilated she could barely recognize them?
Oh, she hated herself so desperately it hurt. She wanted to rip the blood from her nails, claw her skin into ribbons and peel her fingers away into glistening bone. She’d carve herself up a thousand times if it meant their fallen comrades would return, the lives they’d lost uncountable. She hated being alive, but even more than that, she hated the guilt that crept along her veins whenever she thought of how badly they’d wanted to survive.
The whip of the cold night air brought back how devastated she’d been when she’d first lost her best friend. She’d sobbed into Levi’s arms all night- to his credit, he’d held her the entire time, soundless yet warm, his steadily beating heart and the feeling of his fingers stroking through her hair the only thing keeping her going.
It hadn’t taken long before she became numb to caring at all. Bodies upon bodies transformed into numbers on a sheet sent to Erwin’s office until the man himself was no longer there to collect them. When he’d died, it was her turn to be there for her Captain, and yet, nothing she could do or say would erase the silent pain and anguish she knew radiated through him. She’d run out of the room, returning with a cup of tea to disguise her weeping state. Even then, he’d noticed. He’d held her tight, silently sobbing into the crook of her neck but never letting her know just how much he hurt. Always looking out for her even when buried in the depths of his own grief. God, she was selfish. How could she stand to weep over her own incompetence when he needed her most? Why was the only thought going through her head the immense need to dissociate, to forget, to disappear so entirely no one would care to remember her?
She glanced back at the bed, digging her nails into her palm until little crescent marks formed. Levi was still asleep, no longer fidgeting with her side of the bed. Dark hair sprawled out behind him like a halo, face framed ethereally in the golden glow of the candlelight. Thick lashes rested against his soft cheeks, begging to be kissed. She longed to touch every inch of his skin, show him just how much she ached to hold him, yet she couldn’t bring herself to taint him with her want. Who was she to desire anything of him? She looked out of the window one last time, noting the barest hint of dawn peeking through, then crept into the bathroom. Rolling up her sleeve, she rummaged through the drawers until she found what she was looking for- a shard of an ODM blade she’d kept from her first kill. She pulled it free from the cloth she’d wrapped it in, watching it gleam under the candlelight.
All of a sudden, she felt dizzy, fingers clutching the counter as she steadied herself. Memories flashed through her head like a rendition of her worst nightmare, a compilation of just how useless she truly was. Pathetic. Naive. Idiot. I’m so useless. It would be so easy to just-
The air wouldn’t fill her lungs. She gasped for breath, dropping the blade and watching it clatter to the ground as the edges of the world blurred. Tears swam at the edge of her vision and it was all she could do to hold on, knuckles white. She swore this was how she’d die, eyes wide with shock and throat clammed up when she heard a familiar voice and the feeling of a pale, comforting hand steadying her.
“Breathe. With me.”
She froze, spasming eyes locking on his. He couldn’t- couldn’t see her like this. H-He’d hate her- find her pathetic- weak weak weak-
“Hey. Come on. Breathe in on one. Okay?” His voice was gentle, softer than she’d ever heard it. The familiar baritone echoed through her head and made its way to the irregular thumping of her heart. To his credit, he appeared composed, his dilated pupils the only thing giving away the fear glittering in his usual dull grey eyes.
“One.” She tried to remember how to breathe, noting the way he did so as a guide. She did her best to replicate the movement, drawing in a shaky breath. Her knees buckled and his hand instinctively wrapped around her waist, grounding her.
“Good. Now out. Two.”
She quivered the tiniest bit as she got the breath out. He repeated the numbers and soon, she was breathing well enough, nervous for the scolding she was sure she’d receive.
Instead, Levi picked up the shard of glass. “ODM blade?” His tone gave nothing away, though she couldn’t help but notice the slight tremble of his normally steady hands as he examined it.
“Yes,” she murmured shamefully. It wasn’t as though she needed to explain- her reason was written all over her body. It was especially apparent in the cramped space of the bathroom.
“I’ll be taking this.” She watched him tuck it away with little protest, the thought of it being the last thing she had left of her best friend overshadowed by her fear of herself. She looked to the ground, eyes downcast as she watched him clean up after her. He was meticulous, indifferent. Always looking after her as if it was nothing, as if she wasn’t just a burden.
“I am so sor-“ Her voice was muffled as she was pulled to his chest, head tucked under his chin and surrounded by the scent of him. His grip was tight, one she never wanted to get out of as she buried her face closer to him. She felt foolish, a mere child, but grateful for this man she didn’t deserve. This safe haven that felt like home when she should have had none.
“Levi?” She whispered, silenced as his hand stroking her hair pulled her closer into him.
“Shh,” he murmured. “We will be talking about this later, brat; you’re obviously not in your right mind.”
Her knees weakened further as she fell into him. She could hardly protest when he carried her to the bedroom, the feel of him seeping into her with a fervor she found deliriously intoxicating despite her mental state. She wearily sank into the mattress, finding heaven in the bed of her angel. Her eyes were half-lidded as she felt him check her wrists, her palms, her fingers before slipping into bed himself and peppering them with kisses. Her brain could no longer keep up with the shameful thoughts of self-hatred as sleepy grey eyes turned to meet hers, glowing almost silvery blue in the light.
“You’re an idiot,” he grumbled, mumbling the words into her lips with a kiss and wrapping his arms around her waist. He buried his head in the crook of her neck, soft black strands tickling her chin. He was clingy despite his usual aloof nature, and now, she could feel the faintest racing of his heart. She sighed, kissing the top of his head and snuggling close. For him, she’d live another day, the comfort of his embrace too tempting even for a soul as burdened as hers. She fell asleep with tears dried on her cheeks, thinking of the day when he’d wake up to find her to be no more. Not yet, but soon. After all, he’d always had a saying…
She’d give up on her dreams and die.