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Eddie’s not having a great summer.
Scratch that. He’s having a terrible summer. Christopher is gone, swept 800 miles away to Texas by his all-too-eager parents. He knows letting him go was the right choice, but he can’t seem to get his mother’s grin as she led her grandson away out of his head. I won, it had mocked.
For the first time since coming home from Afghanistan, he’s all alone. His house is too quiet while his mind screams at him every day for fucking up his life so spectacularly. He’s blown it up and somehow dragged his son down into his bullshit. And then he was gone. His son was gone. His son was gone and Eddie had no idea who he was anymore.
On the first morning without Chris, Eddie had reached for two cereal bowls out of habit and promptly burst into tears, sobbing against the kitchen floor while the bowls lay broken on the ground.
Then the panic attacks started again. They usually only happened at home, like when he would fall back into his routine of waking up in the middle of the night to pee and use the opportunity to check on Chris—something he did less frequently the older his son got. Eddie only peeked in sometimes now. Just a quick check, he would tell himself before climbing back into bed. Now his son’s gone for god knows how long. So one night when Eddie passed by his cracked door to do his only-on-occasion check-in and all he saw was his hastily made bed and empty room, well, Eddie doesn’t remember much other than his hands shaking so bad that he couldn’t even press the familiar contact on his phone that would know what to do. How to fix it.
He was doing well at keeping them hidden from the others. They didn’t need to know about the panic attacks being back. Everyone already had enough bullshit to deal with from Gerrard. The station didn’t feel like home much these days, and his house wasn’t a home anymore without his son there. Eddie was lost, but he was determined not to drag anyone else down into his mess.
Then, in early June a call came in. Two weeks into his newly found solitude had Eddie experiencing his first panic attack while on shift.
There was a boy—he couldn’t have been older than fourteen or fifteen, stuck in the passenger seat of his mom’s car. His leg was pinned after a ten-car pileup, and Eddie tried his best to keep him calm while Ravi cut him free. He bore no resemblance to Chris other than the blue Star Wars shirt he’d seen his son wear so much it had faded significantly in the wash. But Eddie had stared at the boy in it for 45 minutes while being rescued and the only thought spinning in his head was Christopher has that shirt.
It wasn’t until after the boy and his mom were loaded into the ambulance that Eddie had snuck behind the engine to throw up. His head was spinning from the lack of oxygen to his brain and his hands were shaking so badly that he didn’t notice Hen there until she had her hand firmly pressed against his shoulder and her soothing voice in his ear.
The team, minus their captain, sat him down the next day and begged him to go back to therapy.
So, he starts going to see Frank again, gets on medication for his depression and anxiety, and begins to put in the work to unpack years of religious trauma and repression.
And then there’s Buck.
Eddie didn’t know how to approach the topic of Buck to Frank. His therapist knows Buck is his best friend from their previous sessions, so when Frank asks him how the other relationships are in his life, and conveniently brings up Buck, Eddie falls back into old habits and does what he does best; deflect.
He doesn’t shut Buck out on purpose. Well, not entirely. Buck tries to be there for him, but Eddie insists he needs to work through this on his own. That it’s his responsibility to clean up his own messes.
Buck, of course, doesn’t back down easily. He’s persistent, showing up at Eddie’s door every day, trying to help, to be a friend when Eddie feels like he has nobody else left to lean on.
That’s just exactly it, though, isn’t it? Eddie shouldn’t have to lean on anyone. Especially Buck. He didn’t deserve to be swept up in Eddie’s disasters. He’s ruined enough things in his life already and Eddie isn’t about to add Buck to that list.
Buck, being Buck, still texts him every single day asking if he wants company and Eddie always replies no, thanks while his brain screams at him to say yes, please come over. I need you.
Eddie tells Buck he needs space to work on himself. Eddie tells him to focus on his relationship with Tommy. It leaves a sour taste in his mouth every time and it’s probably another one of those things he should talk to Frank about.
June turns into July. Eddie goes to his therapy appointments every week. He thinks they’re starting to help. He’s no longer crying himself to sleep in his son’s bed anymore. He starts to hang out with his team again outside of work. Buck comes by and Eddie finally lets him in. Life doesn’t feel like it’s crumbling down around him as much.
Then he realizes he’s gay, and the cycle starts again.
✦✦✦✦
August rolls around, and before he knows it, the summer is starting to come to a close. And that means the school year is starting again. Eddie is excited because that means Christopher is coming home.
He’s been texting and calling Chris for a few weeks now, arranging plans to come pick him up before school starts.
When he first texted Eddie, asking was abuela always this strict about bedtime when u were growing up??? he laughed and responded Unfortunately. But she never checked that I was actually asleep, so I got away with more than she knew. It probably wasn’t the best thing for a father to tell his fourteen year old son, but Eddie thinks it earned him a few points when Chris had replied with bet and a thumbs up.
He remembers calling Buck right after and crying. Buck, who was on a date with his boyfriend then, dropped everything and came over to celebrate.
Looking back, Eddie thinks he should have felt bad for pulling him away from an evening with Tommy. Except that he’s trying to practice letting himself want things, so if that means feeling giddy at the idea that Buck left Tommy in the middle of a date to spend time with Eddie…well, at least he’s in therapy.
He’s not stupid. He knows that his recent realization that he’s attracted to men—one that’s not really all that recent, just deeply repressed in the recesses of his mind—and that he really fucking despises Buck’s boyfriend are definitely related.
The only thing is that Eddie doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do with that information. For him, after his initial breakdown, it just becomes another fact of life.
It goes a little something like this:
His son is coming home soon.
He’s gay.
He hates Tommy Kinard.
And most recently:
He’s in love with his best friend.
Eddie decides that he’s not going to tell Buck about the last two. He can’t tell him he doesn’t like hates his boyfriend without explaining why. He’s not ashamed of being in love with Buck—would never be, but he isn’t ready to handle the sting of rejection yet.
He does think he might be ready to tell him about the Other Thing.
✦✦✦✦
Buck’s sitting on his couch and Eddie is trying to remember how to breathe normally. Was it in through his nose, out through his mouth? Was he looking at Buck too much? He tries to think back on the appropriate amount of staring at Buck he normally did while they watched a movie together. Should he completely avoid looking at him? Or would that be too obvious that Eddie was trying not to look?
Listen. Eddie isn’t spiraling. He’s not. He just needs to remember what a normal movie night with Buck was like before…well. Before Eddie realized his big gay feelings for his best friend. It’s fine. He’s not even looking at Buck’s thighs or his arms or the way his shirt stretches across his chest and he can sort of see his nipples peeking through his shirt.
He must be doing a good job because Buck hasn’t said anything about his potentially weird behavior—
“Okay, what is it?” Buck’s voice cuts in and Eddie freezes.
Busted.
He looks over at Buck, who’s raising an eyebrow at Eddie and fuck. He looks really good with his curls free on his forehead. Not that he looked bad before, but there’s something about the loose curls that makes him want to do something stupid like grab them and put his mouth on Buck’s mouth and—
“Eddie. Hey, are you okay?”
“What?” Eddie startles out of his thoughts and lets out a nervous laugh. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Sure,” Buck says in a tone that suggests he doesn’t believe Eddie one bit. “Is that why you’ve looked over here like ten times in the past two minutes? If there’s something going on, you know you can talk to me about it.”
Eddie feels his cheeks heat up. So he was being completely obvious. Great.
He doesn’t know just how much Buck is able to figure out from Eddie’s odd behavior. Hopefully not everything, judging by the fact Buck looks more genuinely concerned than uncomfortable.
Either way, Eddie isn’t going to get away with convincing Buck that it’s nothing. Not when Buck can read him better than anyone else he knows. Buck can give him one look and Eddie’s ready to spill all his secrets to the other man.
Well, almost all of them.
“Yeah, yeah okay.” Eddie sighs and leans forward, pausing the movie and shifting over on the couch so he’s facing Buck. “There’s been a couple of things on my mind recently. It’s nothing bad,” he reassures when he sees the worry spread across Buck’s expression. “Just some news I’ve been wanting to share. I–I guess I just didn’t know when to tell you. Or how.”
The worry dissipates from Buck’s face and is replaced by an encouraging nod and a soft smile. “Well, you know what they say,” he teases. “There’s no time like the present.”
Eddie huffs out a laugh. “Right. Well. First of all, I know you already know this. That Chris is ready to come home.”
He was the first person that Eddie had told. When Chris said that he wanted to come home before school started—that he didn’t want to go to school in El Paso, Eddie was already sharing the news with Buck before he could blink.
And now that the school year is fast approaching, Eddie has plans to pick Chris up from the airport in six days. He was going to drive to El Paso to get him, already planning the trip in his head and picturing Buck there alongside him, but then his parents had another idea and insisted that they pay to fly Chris home instead. So Christopher doesn’t have to sit through such a long drive, Eddie. It’s going to be exhausting for him to be in the car that long.
He tried to argue against it, but in the end, Eddie had agreed and now Chris is supposed to arrive at LAX accompanied by Eddie’s abuela in five days, thirteen hours, and thirty-something minutes.
“Soon, right?” Buck asks, his grin widening at the mention of Christopher.
Eddie’s heart aches with affection for just how much Buck loves his son and then guilt because he’s the reason Buck hasn’t seen him in nearly three months.
“Yeah,” Eddie nods and can’t stop his own smile from spreading across his face. “We actually have a date. He’s coming back next week. With my abuela. On the 16th. I’m picking him up from the airport at ten.”
Buck’s eyes light up and Eddie wants to do everything in his power to keep Buck looking at him like that.
“Really? That soon? I didn’t think—well I guess that makes sense because of school starting, but I didn’t realize it was that soon. Not–not that it’s too soon, it’s been months and I know you said he was ready, but now it’s real, and wow…he’s actually coming home.”
Eddie lets out a breath that almost resembles a laugh, but the moment is too bittersweet for him to find Buck’s rambling funny. “Yeah, it’s real.”
“I thought you were planning to drive to get him?” Buck asks and Eddie shakes his head.
“I was, but my parents insisted on buying him a plane ticket. And it wasn’t a fight I wanted to have with them.” Again, he thinks. “So I agreed. But I uh, I wanted to see if you wanted to come. With me? To pick him up?”
Buck gapes at him for a moment too long that Eddie wonders if he shouldn’t have asked.
“Or not! You might have plans that day. With Tommy. I just thought you might want to see him too, but you can always come by after. We’ll be here, so you can just—”
“Eddie, of course I’ll come. I don’t have any plans then. But are you sure you want me to? You don’t want it to just be you guys and Chris?”
Eddie shakes his head, his mind already having been made up weeks ago. “I want you there. I know you’ve missed him like crazy too and he’s going to be happy seeing you. Besides, I already talked to him about it.”
“Are you absolutely sure? I don’t want to intrude on your time together.”
“Yes, Buck. I’m sure. You could never intrude. You’re part of this family as well. You were there when he left, and it would mean a lot to the both of us if you were there too when Chris gets home.”
He already knows Chris is okay with it. He missed Buck like crazy and when Eddie suggested that he bring Buck to the airport, he didn’t miss the excited look on his son’s face.
It certainly helps that Chris knows exactly what Buck means to their family. What he means to Eddie. When he came out to his son, it only took until their next conversation before Buck’s name was brought up and his ever-so perceptive son figured it out.
So his teenager knows that he’s in love with his best friend.
It’s whatever.
Chris told him he was good with it. Not that it matters, though.
Buck has a boyfriend.
Buck is in a happy relationship.
The last thing Eddie is going to do is ruin another one of those.
“Okay,” Buck nods, smiling. “I’ll be there.”
Eddie sighs in relief. It feels like his family is coming back together.
“Good.”
He lets the next few moments of silence stretch between them, fingers itching to reach out and turn the movie back on, just to hear something other than the sound of his own breathing.
“Was that it?” Buck asks suddenly.
“Huh?” Eddie pauses, his hand already outstretched to grab the remote.
“You said you had a couple of things on your mind. I don’t know. It seemed like there was more you wanted to talk about.”
And yeah, okay.
This wasn’t exactly how he planned to come out to Buck.
Truth be told, he had no plan. But he’s tired and he wasn’t going to keep it from him forever.
Eddie just hadn’t found the right moment.
There’s no time like the present, he hears Buck’s voice echo in his head.
“Yeah,” Eddie nods and settles back into the couch. He rubs his hands over his face and tries to remember the breathing exercises he’s supposed to do whenever he can feel the spike of panic setting in. “Well, as you know. I’ve been working through a lot in therapy.”
Buck nods encouragingly. He’s patient while Eddie tries his best to make his mouth form the words. Is this how nervous Buck felt when coming out to him?
Eddie remembers the quiet confession that it was a date. It didn’t register in his head at first, but he remembers how soft Buck’s voice was, the hesitation when he repeated to him that it was a date when Eddie ran into him and Tommy.
He knows this is different. When Buck came out to Eddie, he was under the impression Eddie was his straight best friend. He knows that Buck will accept him, embrace this part of him, but he also thinks back his own voice saying this doesn’t change a thing between us, and imagines Buck saying it to him now. He feels his stomach churn. The words never felt right after he said them to Buck.
At least now he knows why.
This isn’t a time for him to be greedy, though. He should take only what Buck gives to him and be happy. Buck’s place in his life, in his family is what matters most at the end of the day.
So he can do this. He can share with Buck the part of himself that only Frank and Christopher know about. That he’s kept hidden in a box for the last thirty-two years of his life.
Eddie feels tears prickle behind his eyes and he’s honestly so sick of crying. He tries to push back the tears and just be honest with Buck, who’s still waiting patiently for him to get the words out.
“I unpacked a lot of things with Frank. The stuff with Shannon and Kim, and all my failed relationships. Why I was clinging onto the idea of a relationship I don’t think ever really existed in the first place. Why I felt so…broken. And I started realizing a lot of things I had been repressing. Parts of myself I had kept hidden away and felt, well, ashamed to admit were there. It took time to work through that shame and guilt, and I’m still—I’m still working on it. But it’s better. And I’m learning to accept the things I want. I haven’t told anyone else about it except for Frank and Chris, but I wanted you to know. Before anyone else.
“I’m sorry, this probably doesn’t make a lot of sense,” Eddie sighs and thinks he should just say it instead of rambling all over the place. He isn’t sure any of it sounds the least bit coherent, but then his eyes peer over at Buck for a brief moment and Eddie can see the gears turning in his head. Panic takes over for a couple of seconds and all he can think is somebody knows. Someone figured him out. It fades as quickly as it comes when he reminds himself it’s Buck. This is Buck.
Buck is safe.
Buck opens his mouth but Eddie beats him to it.
“I’m gay!”
The words tumble out in a half-shout in the otherwise silent living room. Buck’s mouth falls closed, but his eyes widen and Eddie feels his skin heat up in a flush. “Sorry,” he mumbles.
He didn’t mean to yell it, but there is a sense of relief that he’s admitted it to one more person. Arguably the most important person he wanted to tell, aside from Chris.
“Hey,” he hears Buck say and then there’s a hand on his shoulder, the pressure firm but not painful. Buck’s closer than he was a few seconds ago. The smile he gives Eddie is so genuine that tears sting his eyes again. Damn it. “I’m really proud of you. Seriously, I am. I know coming out isn’t easy and you’ve obviously worked through a lot to get here and I’m proud of you. You should be proud of yourself, Eddie. It’s scary, but it’s also freeing.”
Eddie can only nod, his throat thick. He’s trying desperately to blink back the tears because he’s not going to cry. Buck must notice—of course he does, and then he’s being pulled into a hug. Arms wrap tightly around his frame, surrounding him in a familiar warmth. His own arms respond weakly, coming up to grasp Buck’s shirt, gripping in the fabric between his fingers. He’s not ready to let go yet, and Buck doesn’t try to pull away.
If he buries his face in Buck’s shoulder and sniffles, letting a few of those tears fall and stain his shirt, neither of them mentions it. Buck only holds him closer, hands rubbing in comforting patterns across Eddie’s back.
They stay like this for a few more minutes, until the tears have dried up and Eddie feels safe enough to pull away. He wishes he could stay wrapped up in Buck forever, to find a place inside his chest to burrow away, to carve out his place there permanently.
But he has to come back to a reality where Buck is his best friend and all the comfort he wants to claim as his own doesn't belong to only him. That it’s not his to take.
Buck doesn’t belong to him.
But he’s still here. And that has to be enough.
“What’s going through that head of yours?” Buck asks him once they’ve settled back into their places on the couch, though maybe a few inches closer than before.
“Just thinking about how lucky I am to have you in my life,” he answers honestly. It’s the truth and Buck deserves to hear it. In case nobody else is telling him that.
“Oh.” Buck’s cheeks are tinged with pink and he smiles softly like he does whenever someone reminds him that he means something to people. That he’s wanted. “I don’t—I think it’s the other way around, actually.”
“No,” he shakes his head. “I couldn’t have made it through these last few months without you, Buck. Even when I was pushing you away, you never really let me be alone.”
He has dozens of texts and calls to prove it. Buck respected his space but he never strayed too terribly far away, always reminding Eddie that he was there. Waiting to be called on when Eddie was ready.
“I guess we better call it even then, huh? Because you’ve been there for me just as much,” Buck tells him.
They’ve never kept score, it’s never even crossed his mind to, but if they had…if they tallied up all the instances that Buck was there and saved Eddie from himself, saved his life, Eddie knows Buck would win.
He doesn’t say that, though. Instead, he nods and thinks how Buck deserves to be cherished. Not because of all the things he’s done for people. But just for existing. For being him. For allowing Eddie to live alongside him every day. For being a part of his family and having his back. For letting Eddie have his.
Instead, he smiles at Buck and picks up his beer, taking a long sip.
Instead, he asks, “How was your date the other night?”
But Buck doesn’t answer his question. He just laughs and reaches out for the remote. “C’mon,” he says. “Let’s finish the movie. Maddie said it’s supposed to be good.”
Later, when they’re both three beers in and have ordered way too much food to finish between the two of them, Buck looks over at Eddie and grins. “You know, it’s just like you to come out and then immediately apologize for it.”
Eddie rolls his eyes and throws his half-eaten fry at him. “Oh fuck off.” But he laughs and surprisingly, the panic isn’t there. He doesn’t feel any worry flare up when Buck mentions him being gay. He isn’t scared that someone might hear.
Instead, he lets out a laugh that turns into a groan when Buck picks up the fry and pops it into his mouth.
“You’re gross,” he complains, scrunching up his face.
“You love it,” Buck quips back, stuffing three more fries into his mouth.
Eddie is pathetically and embarrassingly in love because yeah, yeah he does.
✦✦✦✦
Eddie doesn’t walk into work planning to get suspended.
It’s supposed to be a normal shift. There aren’t any major calls and he’s able to get three wins in against Ravi in Mario Kart before he’s distracted by Buck’s voice carrying through the loft. He’s busy prepping lunch for the team; his job now that Bobby was forced to go through with his retirement. Eddie hopes he’ll be reinstated soon, though. He’s not sure how many more shifts he can go through with Gerrard in charge.
“—lease is up at the end of the month so I guess I should start looking for a new place.”
“You haven’t started looking?”
Wait, what? New place?
Eddie abandons his game, leaving mid-round while Ravi cries out in protest. He wanders into the kitchen to see Buck waving a knife in the air while Chimney gives him an incredulous look.
“I’ve been busy!” Buck shrugs sheepishly, resuming his lunch preparations.
“Oh, I’m sure you’ve been so busy lately. Tommy taking up all of your time, then?” Chimney asks, but more in a way that sounds like he doesn’t want to actually know the answer.
Buck rolls his eyes, but Eddie doesn’t miss the blush spreading across his face. “Something like that.”
Ugh.
“You’re going to have a hard time finding a decent apartment on such short notice,” Hen hums from the table. “What’s wrong with the loft?”
Eddie’s brain finally catches up to him. “Wait, hold on. You’re moving?”
Buck pauses his chopping and sets down the knife. “I’m thinking about moving. I dunno. Maybe a change would be nice. Plus my landlord keeps raising the rent and I know it’s L.A., but it’s getting ridiculous.”
“Hold on. Did you say you’re thinking about moving? Do you need a new place to live?” Ravi comes up behind Eddie, a glint in his eye. “I have eight new units you might be interested in.”
“And are they anywhere close to here?” Buck questions.
Ravi hesitates. “Define close.”
Buck groans and drops his head onto the counter. “I’m going to be homeless.”
As if Eddie would ever let that happen. He’d give Buck the clothes off his back if it meant keeping him warm. He’s not going to let Buck suffer alone through trying to find a new place to live.
Plus, Eddie has enough room for Buck. If he needs somewhere to stay until he can find a place.
Or forever, his traitorous brain suggests.
He thinks about how his home would be perfect for Buck. That he already fits into all the molds. He fills the already existing spaces. He completes their family in a way Eddie never even knew to look for before.
It would make so much sense. He’s over enough anyway that Eddie can’t even remember the last time he didn’t find something of Buck’s laying around his home. A pair of shoes by the door, one of his LAFD shirts in the washing machine, a stack of books he’s reading on the dining room table, a bottle of his cologne in the bathroom. There’s no reason that Buck wouldn’t fit perfectly into Eddie’s home.
Well, except…
“I’m pretty sure that’s not going to be an issue,” Hen snorts. “I think you’d definitely have a place to live even if you can’t find a new apartment in time.”
“Thinking ‘bout moving in with Tommy, then?” Chimney laughs, and then dodges Hen when she tries to reach out and smack him. “Ouch! What was that for?”
That. Except for that.
There was still Tommy.
Something red and hot flares up in him. Eddie tries to temper it down, but images flash through his mind of all those little pieces of Buck that are stored away in his home ending up at Tommy’s place and he can’t help the way his fists clench with the need to hit something.
“Oh please. You know exactly what that was for,” Hen snarks back.
Buck chuckles nervously and if Eddie’s entire being wasn’t so tethered to Buck’s, he would have almost missed the split second his eyes flicker to Eddie’s before looking away. “Well uh, that’s. That’s not really—”
Before Buck can finish his sentence, a pair of boots stomp up the stairs and everyone silently groans under their breath as Gerrard bounds up to the loft. He’s already barking orders for them to find something productive to do instead of just sitting around and gossiping like a bunch of ladies despite the station not having had any calls come through in the last two hours.
Eddie can’t even ask Buck about his strange reaction to Chimney’s question or about his plans to find a new place to live before Gerrard turns his sights on Buck.
“Still not finished cooking yet, Buckley?” Gerrard jeers. “I thought you were supposed to be good at this sort of thing. Kinard’s old girlfriend used to cook for the station. I would have assumed that role would fall to you now.”
Eddie’s fist clenches harder.
Apparently, Gerrard is on a roll today, because he turns towards the table and makes another comment to the team. Honestly, Eddie’s doesn’t even really remember what he said. He just sees the smiles slip off everyone’s faces.
The next few moments after that are such a blur—he’s pretty sure he blacks out, but Eddie does remember his fist connecting with Gerrard’s face, a loud cracking noise, and then a lot of pain.
✦✦✦✦
Gerrard suspends him for two weeks.
Eddie’s surprised he wasn’t fired. He assumes it must be because Gerrard technically isn’t allowed to fire him. Not when he’s still considered their interim captain.
God, Eddie hopes Bobby can return soon.
Once he’s left the hospital, sitting in Buck’s jeep with his broken hand wrapped up and a bottle of painkillers in his lap, all he can think about is that he should have punched Gerrard sooner.
The ride back to Eddie’s is met with an uncomfortably long stretch of silence. Buck hasn’t said a word since they left the hospital, but Eddie can see his jaw clenching and unclenching as if he wants to say something but stops right before the words come out.
Jesus. He feels like a kid who’s gotten in trouble at school.
The silence lingers on, neither of them saying a word until Buck pulls up in front of Eddie’s house and cuts off the engine.
“You shouldn’t have done that,” Buck sighs, fiddling with the keys in his hand. “That was really fucking stupid, Eddie.”
“I wasn't going to let him speak to you that way. To any of you. I’m tired of him getting away with harassing all of us.” He can feel Buck’s gaze and Eddie turns to look at him, watching as Buck shakes his head.
“He’s full of shit. We all know that. We’ve all called him out on his disgusting comments but,” Buck pauses, and then takes a breath. “Bobby is going to come back soon. He has to. So until then—”
“Until then, what? Just put up with all the bullshit he keeps spewing every shift?”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” Buck tries to argue and Eddie can see his hackles rising. “I’m not telling you or anyone to sit back and do nothing. I’m not–I wouldn’t,” He pauses and Eddie immediately picks up on how defensive Buck sounds, offended that Eddie would even have the gall to imply such a thing. His rapid frustration makes Eddie wonder if Buck has had this conversation before. He makes a mental note to ask Buck about it later. “I just don’t think you should have punched him.”
“I don’t regret it,” Eddie tells him firmly. He doesn’t feel any guilt for punching Gerrard. He’d do it again if the opportunity arose. Maybe. Probably.
“I’m not saying the asshole didn’t deserve it. He did, but—”
“But what?” Eddie scoffs. He really doesn’t see why Buck is having such an issue with this. He still has his job and at least he didn’t end up in the back of a police car this time.
“But I’m worried about you!” Buck cries. “Eddie, you broke your hand. And you got suspended from work. You got hurt and I won’t even get to see you at work for the next two weeks! I’m scared that you’re—that what you’re doing isn’t healthy.”
And that’s.
Oh.
Buck is worried about him.
“This isn’t like that,” he tries to reassure the other man. “I’m not spiraling. This isn’t another unhealthy coping mechanism. I just got pissed at our bigoted boss and gave him what he deserved. Besides, his nose will be fine.”
“Do you wanna do it again?” Buck asks. He’s tapping his fingers against the steering wheel and Eddie desperately wants to reach out and wrap his good hand around Buck’s to calm him.
“Punch Gerrard? Yes,” Eddie admits, but deflates when he sees the concern in Buck’s face. “But I’m not going to.”
“What about other people?” Buck asks so suddenly that the other man seems surprised the words left his own mouth.
Eddie rolls his eyes. “I told you that I’m not going back down that road. I punched one bigot. It’s not as if I’m going back into that ring.”
“Fence,” Buck says suddenly.
“What?”
“You said it was a fence. I had called it a ring that day and you told me there was just a fence.”
Eddie is suddenly transported back to that moment in Buck’s kitchen all those years ago. Buck—who even back then knew Eddie inside and out—with all his rage-fueled adrenaline, the grief over Shannon’s death, the resentment over the lawsuit and not having Buck by his side anymore. He remembers how Buck had moved towards him with his cocky and self-assured attitude, telling him that he was throwing his punches at the wrong guy and they should go for the title. Even back then, Eddie had found it hard to breathe with Buck that close.
He wonders what might have happened if he had known about himself back then. If Buck did, too. If his son wasn’t in the next room over.
Would Eddie have let him try? Would he have ever stood a chance the moment Buck got his hands on him? He thinks about the desire stirring in his stomach now and wonders how fast Buck would have gained the upper hand and taken control.
What if he had said something stupid like you just wanna get your hands on me, huh? Would Buck have blushed and stuttered his way into a change of topic or would he have done something to answer to all the tension in the room?
If Eddie asked now….no. He can’t go down that road.
Buck’s not his. He has a boyfriend.
One he’s been with for a few months now and even though Eddie was stupid enough to fall in love with his best friend doesn’t mean he needs to make it Buck’s problem.
“Well, whatever it was, I’m not going back. I promise, Buck,” Eddie reassures him, but with his broken hand and two-week suspension looming over him, he isn’t sure how convincing he sounds.
Buck hesitates for a moment before nodding. “Okay. Just don’t hole up at home alone until Chris returns, okay?”
Eddie agrees, like it wasn’t exactly what he had planned on doing. It’s not like there’s much he can do with a broken hand, but he knows what Buck means.
Don’t isolate yourself again.
It’s only a few more days until they’re supposed to be at the airport, but Eddie knows Buck will make sure he doesn’t go crazy until then.
“So you wanna come in, then? You still have some of those weird fancy beers left in the fridge.” Eddie’s not supposed to drink on his pain meds, but he doesn’t care if Buck does while they hang out.
“I would, but I’m uh, have a date. With Tommy.” Buck checks the time on his dashboard and grimaces. “In thirty minutes.”
“Oh. Alright.” If Eddie was a nicer person, he would tell Buck to have a good time, but he’s not.
Sometimes Eddie wonders what Buck sees in Tommy. The man’s not really that interesting once the fascination of him being a helicopter pilot had worn off. He doesn’t think him and Buck even have that much in common.
Hell, Eddie has more in common with Tommy than Buck does and even he has no desire to hang around the other man anymore. Although, that could have more to do with him dating the person Eddie is in love with than their number of shared interests.
The few times Eddie did agree to hang out with Buck and Tommy, he had to spend most of the time holding his tongue. Tommy would talk and talk and talk about shit nobody cared about, and when Buck, who actually has interesting things to say, spoke, Tommy would just hum and nod and not even fucking try to be engaged.
Shortly after Buck had come out to him, he had told Eddie that the reason he had been such a jealous mess—his words, not Eddie’s—around him and Tommy was because he was fighting so hard to get Tommy’s attention.
Buck wouldn’t have to fight to get my attention, Eddie remembers thinking. He already owns it.
And yeah. Eddie probably should have realized his feelings a lot sooner.
Truth be told, Buck wasn’t himself around Tommy. And Eddie hated it.
Why him? Eddie wants to ask him. Does he actually make you happy?
But he doesn’t say any of that. He doesn’t tell Buck what he really thinks about his stupid boyfriend and he definitely doesn’t tell him to have fun.
He just nods and thanks him for the ride.
“I’ll come over tomorrow?” Buck offers.
“Sure,” Eddie says and tries to stomp down the irritation. His hand fucking hurts, his son is almost home but still gone, and now he can’t stop picturing Buck out with Tommy on a date. A man that doesn’t even deserve Buck. It’s sickening.
By the time he makes it inside and settled, Eddie remembers his truck is still at the station. He just shakes his head and sinks into the couch with a coke he found in the back of the fridge, wishing it was something stronger.
Oh well.
It’s not like he has anywhere else to be.
✦✦✦✦
Buck drops his truck off on Tuesday. On Wednesday, the team invites him out for drinks. He’s still not drinking any alcohol because of the pain meds, which sucks because he really could have used the liquid courage when he chooses to come out to the rest of them.
They’re supportive—of course they are. Hen hugs him and tells him she’s proud. He doesn’t cry like he did with Buck, but his eyes get slightly misty. Chimney and Bobby—who showed up ten minutes before Eddie’s big speech, both congratulate him and Chimney jokes that at least Eddie waited until someone wasn’t in a hospital bed to come out. Ravi offers to take him out to gay club and before he can say no, Buck chimes in telling Ravi that Eddie needs to focus on his injury healing.
“Thought you didn’t want me hiding all alone at home?” Eddie asks once everyone else is immersed in their own conversations.
Buck scoffs. “You won’t be alone. I’ll be there. And then Chris will be back on Friday.”
“Yeah,” Eddie exhales. “You’re still coming with me to the airport, right?”
“Of course,” Buck tells him, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world. “You think I would miss that? Hell no. Plus, you need someone to drive you.”
“Thanks,” he mumbles. “I’m glad you’ll be there.”
“Me too,” Buck whispers back. He’s looking at Eddie with an intensity that makes him want to hide. He knows how dedicated Buck has been in helping Eddie on his healing journey, but if he keeps staring at him like that—with what looks like pure, absolute devotion in his eyes, Eddie may start getting the wrong idea.
God. Being in love with Buck is a lot sometimes.
He tries not to think too often about how much better he could treat Buck than Tommy. Tonight is particularly sad and pathetic because he doesn’t even have the excuse of alcohol to blame for it.
He’s pretty self-assured that Buck would choose him time and time again, no matter the circumstance. The nights spent sleeping on his couch and leaving his dates at the drop of the hat are proof of such loyalty. It makes something buried deep inside him giggle in delight.
Every time Buck goes out on a date with Tommy, Eddie contemplates what would happen if he said ‘ stay with me’ instead.
He thinks Buck would listen.
That’s just who Buck is. Loyal to a fault. It’s been that way since a grenade was lodged into a man’s leg and he looked at Eddie with his hopeful eyes, like a dog waiting to be picked at a shelter and asked, me?
Eddie knows for a fact that he is one of the most important people in Buck’s life.
He wants to rub it in Tommy’s face. The selfish and greedy part of him that exists only in his mind wants to tell Buck’s boyfriend that Buck would choose Eddie time and time again.
That Buck would do anything for him—for any of his friends, but especially for Eddie.
Because Eddie is his best friend.
But.
But not—not because he’s in love with Eddie.
And that reminder is always painful.
The fantasy shatters around him and he’s acutely aware that he can’t actually steal Buck away from Tommy.
But having Buck’s friendship, his loyalty, his promise to have Eddie’s back…it has to be enough for him.
He gets up to go get everyone the next round of drinks, and when he comes to sit back down, his shoulders brush against Buck’s. The other man’s smile brightens and Eddie is once again reminded of how stupidly in love he is that he stares at him for much longer than a normal person would look at their best friend.
Whatever, he thinks because Buck keeps looking at him, too. Even when the rest of the team has to call their names multiple times to finally get their attention, Eddie can’t bring himself to care.
✦✦✦✦
When they get to the airport on Friday morning, it’s so crowded that Eddie fears they won’t be able to find a spot at the terminal garage. Buck circles around while Eddie waits for Chris or his abuela to text him. He checks the flight tracker and sees it shows their flight has arrived, but he hasn’t heard from either of them yet.
Just then, his phone buzzes and Christopher’s name flashes across the screen.
Chris:
made it
r u and buck here??
Eddie:
We’re parking now.
How was the flight?
Chris:
fine lol
my headphones died tho
bisabuela fell asleep right away 🤣
Eddie:
Sounds about right.
You woke her up though?
Chris:
no, i left her on the plane
yes i woke her up 😭
Eddie snorts out a laugh and waits until Buck has turned off the engine before hopping out of the truck.
Chris:
waiting for our bags
wait dad did u know that someones unclaimed baggage once had an old egyptian head from like 1500 bc
now it’s in some unclaimed baggage museum in alabama
Eddie leans against the truck and reads the message, laughing softly while Buck peers over at his screen. He tilts the screen towards him and can see Buck’s eyes lighting up at the interesting piece of information. Eddie can already imagine what Buck’s search history is about to look like.
Christopher and Buck are so similar sometimes that it scares him.
Eddie:
Really?
Why would someone not claim that?
Chris:
idk
but it’s cool right??
Eddie:
It is. We could go to the museum sometime.
If you want.
Chris:
ew no
why would i wanna go to alabama
isn’t that where ppl marry their cousins
Eddie:
?????
Where did you hear that???
Chris:
aunt adrianna lol
Eddie makes a mental note to text his sister later and go over what topics of conversation are not appropriate to have with her 14 year old nephew.
Chris:
ok we got our bags and r coming out now
Eddie isn’t nervous about seeing his son for the first time in almost three months. He’s not. Except well, he is. The last time he saw Christopher in person, his son wouldn’t even look him in the eye and left faster out the door than Eddie could blink.
And now he’s home. He’s finally home and it’s like all the air that’s been missing from his lungs returns to him the moment he sees his son coming out of the terminal doors.
Christopher looks exactly the same as he did when he left. Except his hair’s a little longer and unruly, and Eddie swears he’s at least grown at least an inch taller.
Abuela is walking with him and Eddie feels relieved that she volunteered to come with him. He’s not sure he would have been able to handle Chris flying alone, and he didn’t want to have to see his parents.
Eddie’s meeting them in a half-walk half-run and then suddenly his baby is in his arms again and Eddie thinks he could cry in the middle of the LAX arrival gate.
He’s hugging his son again. For the first time in months. Chris is home. He doesn’t hate him. He’s home. He’s not turning around and going back to Texas.
He’s home.
Eddie whispers into his hair how much he’s missed him and he smiles when Chris whispers back I missed you, too. The hug goes on for a long time and Eddie doesn’t care that people are trying to walk by. They can wait a few minutes longer.
“Dad.” He can hear Chris complain in the way that teenagers do when they’re embarrassed, but he can feel his son’s arms tighten around him and everything feels right again.
He allows himself ten more seconds before he pulls away, and he can see Christopher discretely trying to wipe his eyes on his shirt sleeve.
Eddie embraces his abuela next, pressing a kiss to her cheek and whispering softly in her ear. “Thank you for bringing him home to me.”
“Of course,” She tells him, gently patting his cheek. “It’s where he belongs.”
Eddie hears a sniffle behind him and he turns to see Buck, standing a few feet away and wiping his eyes.
“Sorry,” he mumbles out. His eyes are a little red and Eddie’s heart aches. Buck fits into their little family so easily. Eddie doesn’t know how it took him so long to see it. But he wants Buck here. For this moment and for all the rest of them.
“Hey, Buck.” Christopher grins and Buck hesitates for only a second, eyes flashing between Eddie and Chris before he steps forward and scoops him up in a tight hug.
“Hey, buddy. I missed you like crazy. I’m glad you’re home.” Eddie can hear Buck exchanging words with Chris, telling him about all the things he plans to catch Chris up on now that he’s back.
He can see his abuela’s eyes drift down to his arm, where his long sleeves have been doing a poor job of hiding his injury.
“Edmundo!” his abuela gasps. “What happened to your hand?!”
“Dad? You got hurt?” He can hear the concern in his son’s voice now too and Eddie cringes. He didn’t expect to have to stand here in a crowded airport arrival gate and explain to his son and grandmother that he punched his asshole boss at work and was suspended.
Buck intervenes immediately and steps in to pause the conversation in its tracks. “Come on, let’s go to the car first.” Eddie is so grateful for Buck. I could kiss him for that, he thinks. “Besides, I’m sure Eddie would love to explain it on the way home.”
Okay, traitor. Nevermind.
But Eddie agrees nonetheless, and when Buck reaches out to haul Christopher’s bags over his shoulder, Eddie tries to do the same with Abuela's things, but she snatches her bags back and mumbles something about him being an idiota under her breath.
✦✦✦✦
He manages to get away with explaining it was a work-related injury to his abuela, promising that he’s going to take it easy the next two weeks while he recovers from his broken hand.
(He doesn’t mention to her that he’s off work due to a suspension, and he knows she doesn’t quite believe his whole story.)
Once she’s dropped off at Pepa’s house, Eddie decides that Chris probably should hear the full story from him. Not that he’s super keen on sharing this particular humiliating moment with his son, but he’s still working on gaining back Chris’s trust. He can’t start off his return home with Eddie lying to him.
Thankfully, when he recounts the story to Chris, his son doesn’t beg him to go back to Texas.
In fact, well.
“You really punched your boss? Wow. Did you break his face?” Chris sounds in awe and Eddie sighs, shaking his head. He turns around in the passenger seat and gives his son a look.
“It’s not something I’m proud of,” he says, ignoring the scoff from his left. “But he was saying some really terrible things to my friends at work and I made a bad choice in handling it. I shouldn’t have tried to solve the problem with violence.”
He can see Buck out of the corner of his eye biting his lip as he drives, the side of his mouth tugging up.
“Yeah, Chris. Violence is never the answer.” Buck is fully grinning now and if Eddie wasn’t trying to teach his son to use his words and not his fists to solve problems, he would have reached out and smacked him.
Chris frowns. “But Buck, didn’t you say he was a major dick?”
“Chris!” They both say in unison, and Eddie whips his head around to glare at Buck. Meanwhile, Buck is shooting his son a look of betrayal through the rearview mirror.
“You weren’t supposed to repeat that!” Buck cries. He turns to Eddie and gives him a wide-eyed innocent look. “It slipped out one time! And I made him swear to never repeat it.”
Eddie rolls his eyes and hears Chris laughter coming from the backseat.
“You called him more than that, Buck,” Chris points out.
“Wow,” Buck says, throwing a hand over his chest. “You’re just going to throw me under the bus like that?”
Chris shrugs. “If it keeps me from getting in trouble.”
“Buck, stop cursing in front of my son. Chris, don’t listen to what he says.” Eddie scolds and he tries to keep his voice stern, but with the way the both of them laugh at his attempt, he just sighs.
“As if you don’t have the worst mouth out of all of us,” Buck points out.
“Have you heard yourself?” Eddie protests. He’s witnessed firsthand the string of curses falling from Buck’s mouth on a daily basis. It’s..a lot.
Lately, it’s been causing Eddie’s mind to wander to places it shouldn’t go. Like the other week at work when Buck burnt the roof of his mouth on a cup of coffee and his whiny little string of fuckfuckfuckfuck had Eddie imagining the words falling from Buck’s tongue in a completely different, not-appropriate-for-work scenario.
“Buck’s right, dad. I can hear you when you’re cooking and you think I have my headphones in. It’s really bad.”
He can see Buck’s hand reach out behind him, curling into a fist to bump against his son’s.
Great. Christopher’s been back in L.A. for all of one hour and they’re already teaming up against him.
“Oh, you should hear your dad at work. He’s worse than Chimney sometimes. Honestly, you guys should really keep a swear jar. You’d probably have enough money saved up for a week at Disney by the end of the month.” Buck gives him a silly grin and Eddie just glares back at him.
“Oh fu– shut up,” he grumbles while Buck and Christopher dissolve into giggles.
✦✦✦✦
It’s been five days since Chris returned, and Eddie has spent most of that time catching up with son and learning about his summer in Texas.
“It was so hot,” Christopher complained one morning over breakfast. “We went to the lake a bunch because Abeula didn’t want me playing video games all day but there’s only so many times you can swim before it gets boring.” He rolls his eyes and grumbles and Eddie doesn’t bother calling him out for the attitude.
He’s pretty sure he felt the same way too many times growing up.
“What about your friends? You said you met a bunch of other kids—sorry, teenagers,” he corrects when Chris glares at him, “while you were there.”
Chris just shrugs and shoves a concoction of three different types of cereal into his mouth. “They were nice. We hung out a few times, but Abuela was really strict about letting me stay over at their houses. Plus, I like my friends here better.”
Eddie grimaces. He knows his mom is overprotective of Chris, but he had tried to remind her on the phone throughout the summer that his son was a teenager now. If Eddie thought he was an overprotective parent, he was no match for Helena Diaz.
At least when it came to Chris.
He doesn’t remember his mom being quite like that when he was young. Strict, sure. But she was never that overbearing about Eddie when he was growing up. And definitely not when he was Chris’ age.
He wonders if he should reach out and talk to her about it. He thought his parents were respecting his wishes, honoring his parenting decisions, but he knows that his mom always thought she knew better than he did. That she could raise Christopher better than he ever could.
It stings, but Eddie tries not to think about it too long. There’s a reason he hasn’t reached out to his parents much since Chris got home, other than to let them know he was back safely.
He’s unpacked enough of his childhood trauma in therapy, thank you very much. He doesn’t want to keep thinking about it.
Over the next few days, Chris and Eddie spend more time together than they normally get to. With Eddie still suspended and the last few days of summer ahead, he lets his son pick how they spend their time. It’s a lot of video games, which is fun for Chris and not-so fun for Eddie because he sucks at trying to play with his hand wrapped up in a cast. But it makes his son laugh, so it’s worth it.
Buck comes over one night for dinner, which really means Buck cooks them dinner. Eddie is grateful because there’s not much he can do around a kitchen while recovering and he feels guilty feeding his son too much takeout.
During dinner, Buck’s…reserved. When Eddie tries to ask him about it, Buck just tells him that things have been crazy at work and he’s tired, but Eddie sees the way he keeps checking his phone and how his leg shakes more than usual. He barely meets Eddie’s eyes at all and he knows something is up.
He wants to ask him about it, but Buck ends up hurrying out the door after they finish cleaning up dinner, rushed apologies on his tongue for not being able to stay longer, but he has to go.
It’s weird. Eddie knows it’s weird. Chris knows it’s weird.
But Eddie’s texts go unanswered that night and the next day. He thinks about calling Maddie or Hen and asking, but he isn’t even sure what to say.
He’ll wait until Buck’s shift is over and ask him then.
✦✦✦✦
If Eddie knew this morning that his life was going to come crashing down around him—for yet another time in the span of three months, he really just wouldn’t have answered his damn phone.
He’s just finished ushering Chris out the door and into Pepa’s car for the first day of school when he thinks about what the hell he’s supposed to do with the rest of his day.
All of his friends are at work: 24 hours into a 48 hour shift and Eddie is bored.
It’s too fucking quiet.
And just like, his phone starts buzzing.
Chimney’s name flashes across his screen and Eddie answers before giving it a second thought.
“Eddie,” Chimney hisses when the call connects. He’s whispering and his words are rushed. Eddie’s pretty sure he can hear rustling in the background and a gentle squeak of wheels. “I can’t talk long. I’m hiding in the ambulance.”
“Huh?” is all Eddie manages to get out.
What the hell?
“I have to tell you something. But you have to promise not to tell anyone I told you. Especially not Buck.”
… what?
His first thought is someone is hurt. That Gerrard’s terrible leadership caused someone to get injured at work. Are they in the hospital? Is Buck laying in a hospital bed somewhere without Eddie by his side?
“What’s wrong?” Eddie croaks out and looks around to see if he can find his keys. Where did he put them? “Did someone get hurt?” Is Buck okay? he wants to ask.
He finds his keys on the counter and grabs them, patting his pockets down to make sure he has his wallet and starts to head towards the front door. He knows that the nearest hospital from his house is a ten minute drive away, and the closest one to the 118 is an extra eight minutes if Eddie’s coming from his place.
But what if they were out on a call? What hospital would Buck have ended up at?
“No, no,” Chimney rushes out a moment later and Eddie exhales, the panic that’s been setting in slowly dissolves. He sits back in the chair in the dining room and tries to calm his rapidly beating heart. “Nobody’s hurt.”
Okay, good. That’s good.
“But Buck came into work and was acting really weird. He’s been—you know, not talking a lot. The opposite of loud. The you-know-what word.”
Eddie rolls his eyes. He would tell Chimney that he’s being ridiculous, but now is not the time. Clearly, whatever had been bothering Buck the other day is still bothering him now.
“Did he say anything?” Eddie questions. His messages are still left unanswered, and he’s really trying not to be hurt by it, but he needs to know what’s going on with Buck.
“That’s the thing, Eddie!” Chimney whisper-yells. “He’s been off since the shift started and then he went to take a call about twenty minutes ago. Apparently it was Tommy.”
Eddie isn’t following. Sure, he doesn’t like Tommy. And he thinks Chimney doesn’t really either. But he’s not sure what exactly is out of the ordinary about Buck talking to his boyfriend on the phone. “Okay,” he says slowly. “…and?”
Chimney huffs. “Tommy apparently got offered a job in New York. And Buck told us he took it.”
Eddie’s glad nobody is home to see the maniacal grin spread across his face.
Oh no, that’s too bad.
He tries to reign in the glee in his voice. He can’t have Chimney thinking he’s completely lost it. “Oh really? That’s unfortunate.”
He can almost hear the eye roll Chimney gives on the other end of the phone. “Oh give it up, Diaz. You don’t have to pretend.”
“W-What do you mean?” Eddie laughs nervously. Surely he was doing a good job of keeping his feelings under wraps. Right?
“Look,” Chimney’s back to a frantic whisper and Eddie can hear the sound of metal clanking together in the ambulance. “You gotta promise you’re not going to tell anyone I told you this. Promise me, Eddie.”
“Tell anyone what? Didn’t Buck just tell all of you?” And not me, he thinks. Maybe that’s why he was so off the other night. Did he know about the job offer? But why wouldn’t he have told Eddie about it?
“Not that. This next part. Promise me,” Chimney spits out and Eddie isn’t sure why he agrees, but he does.
“Okay, fine.”
He’s used to Chimney’s typical weird behavior. But this feels different.
“Buckisgoingtogowithhim.” The words rush out in a squeak and Eddie swears he must hear him wrong. There’s no way he heard what he thought he did.
“What? Chim, I can’t understand you.”
“Eddie,” Chimney groans into the phone, dropping his voice low. “Buck is going to go with Tommy. To New York.”
There’s a high-pitched ringing in his ear.
“You gotta do something. Oh shit. I gotta go. Remember, don’t tell anyone about this!” is all Chimney says to him before hanging up the phone.
Eddie sits frozen in his chair, phone pressed against his ear far too long after the call disconnects.
His chest is pounding. There’s an uncomfortable prickle under his skin and his body feels way too hot all of a sudden.
He wants to laugh. Buck’s not—no. Buck wouldn’t—that’s just ridiculous. He can’t move to New York. He would hate it there. It’s too crowded. Too stuffy. And it gets way too cold in the winter. Buck hates being cold.
He wouldn’t just—he wouldn’t leave.
He loves the 118.
Maddie.
Christopher.
Eddie.
He wouldn’t leave, right?
He and Tommy have only been together for four months. That’s too soon to pack up your entire life and move across the country.
Does Buck even love Tommy? Is he in love with him?
Eddie didn’t think so. But.
What if he missed the signs?
What if they were more serious than Eddie realized?
While Eddie was digging himself into a hole for half the summer, what if he and Tommy were growing closer?
What if they. Fuck. What if they were planning a life together?
He can feel himself spiraling. The world is closing in on him bit by bit.
He wonders if this is karma for all the bad thoughts he had about Tommy. About him and Buck’s relationship. For sending up secret wishes for Buck to dump him. For wanting Buck all to himself. For celebrating, even for a brief moment, the idea that their relationship was going to end.
He doesn’t even believe in karma.
God. What the fuck.
What the actual fuck.
Suddenly, the pieces start to move together.
That’s why Buck had been so quiet the other day. He must have known. He was always open and honest with Eddie. But that night he brushed off all of Eddie’s concerns.
Then he stopped replying to Eddie’s messages. Ignored his phone calls.
Was he just trying to find a way to tell him? To tell Christopher?
Bile starts to rise up in his throat and Eddie might vomit.
The truth starts to settle in and everything else around him goes up in flames.
Eddie just got his son back.
And now Buck is leaving.
He’s going to move away.
Buck’s going to leave him.
✦✦✦✦
Eddie has to pull himself together before Chris gets home from school. It’s hard to unstick himself from the dining room chair and tidy up like he was supposed to do today.
It’s difficult to do with one functioning hand, but it helps the time pass quicker. He throws in his earbuds, turns the music up way too high to be safe for his ears, and cleans.
He does everything in his power to drown out the ringing in his ears and scrubs the counter a little bit harder when the urge to drive over to the station to yell at Buck gets too loud.
The house is near spotless when Chris gets home. Eddie’s hand aches, but he hugs his son tight and tries to smile while ordering them dinner.
He’s not going to be the one to tell Chris about this. If Buck wants to move, then he can tell his son why Chris won’t get to see him anymore. He can tell his son that he’s leaving them.
He feels the guilt settle in the moment the thoughts pass.
Buck’s allowed to have a life of his own outside of Eddie. He’s allowed to start a family and a future with someone he loves. Even if Eddie thinks he can have all those things here.
He feels nauseous that the future he wants is apparently with Tommy. And his chest tightens when he thinks how Buck is going to be almost 3000 miles away.
Maybe Buck will change his mind. He’s not gone yet. Eddie might still have time to fix this.
He just needs a plan.
✦✦✦✦
The plan, as it turns out, isn’t going to work if Buck won’t answer his fucking phone.
Eddie has texted him eight separate times in the last two days asking him to hang out and he’s gotten zero responses.
He knows that Buck is coming off a long 48 hour shift, and he’s been known to crash for sixteen straight hours after.
But it’s been an entire day since the end of his shift and Buck still hasn’t responded.
And god, it hurts.
Buck is his best friend. He’s going to move to the complete other side of the country and Eddie had to hear it from someone else?
He’s upset. He’s damn near offended.
And honestly, he’s starting to become really fucking pissed.
On Thursday, after Pepa picks up Chris for school, Eddie decides that enough is enough.
If Buck isn’t going to answer his phone, then maybe Eddie will just have to force Buck to talk to him another way.
He grabs his keys off the hook and stomps outside towards his truck. It’s difficult to get the car started and Eddie has to twist his body around to turn on the ignition with his left hand.
He’s still not supposed to be driving yet, but he’s currently fueled by desperation and a bit of spite. Somehow, Eddie manages to pull out of the driveway and take himself towards Buck’s loft.
He drives slowly, his right hand practically laying uselessly against the steering wheel. What he’s doing is dangerous, he knows. But Buck isn’t speaking to him and Eddie is desperate.
He can’t lose Buck to someone as boring and lifeless as Tommy Kinard.
Not even for a fancy place like New York City.
When he makes it to the loft, Eddie struggles to park the truck. Muttering curses under his breath, he pulls into a spot and ignores the looks the people outside the building give him. It’s a shitty parking job, one he’d normally complain about with Buck if he saw, but fuck it if he cares right now.
He hauls it up to Buck’s floor, his irritation growing by the second. His stupid useless hand aches and Buck’s stupid and useless boyfriend’s face flashes in his mind and Eddie prays to a God he’s pretty sure he doesn’t even believe in anymore that Tommy isn’t there when Eddie gets to the door.
Pounding on the door with his left hand, Eddie tries to take a few calming breaths that Frank taught him when the door swings open and Buck is standing there, mouth opening and closing a few times before he clears his throat.
“E-Eddie? What are you doing here?”
Eddie scoffs. “You would know if you checked your phone. Or you know, bothered to answer any of my messages or calls.”
Buck flushes and the guilt written all over his face tells Eddie he knows exactly what he’s talking about.
“I..I’ve been really busy. I’m sorry—I wasn’t trying to—”
“Don’t tell me you weren’t trying to ignore me. You haven’t answered anything I’ve sent you in days. Not even a single text,” Eddie complains and pushes his way instead. “I’ve been losing my mind waiting for—” he freezes in his tracks.
Buck’s loft is a mess. His things are lying all around and boxes litter the floor and counters.
Moving boxes.
Eddie feels his heart break.
“You’re packing,” is all he is able to say, still frozen in place.
Buck’s guilty expression shifts to one of concern. “Eddie, are you okay? How—hold on, did you drive here?”
Eddie ignores him. He can’t believe it. He’s been losing his mind over this for the last two days, but seeing it now?
It all becomes very real very fast.
He lets out a laugh devoid of all humor. Fuck, he wishes he could turn off everything he was feeling right now. “So that’s it then. You’re really doing it.”
“Well, yeah,” Buck says nervously, his hand running through his hair until the curls are sticking up in all different directions. “I mean, my lea—”
“You’re going with him,” Eddie spits out and turns to glare at him. “You’re leaving. With him?”
Why? He wants to scream. Why are you leaving me?
Buck’s expression shifts again and before he can say a word, everything Eddie’s been feeling the last two days, for the last few months, comes tumbling out.
“How can you just leave like this? You told everyone else but me. What the fuck, Buck? Am I not important enough for you to tell? I have to hear it from someone else, seriously? And you–you and Tommy haven’t even been dating for that long! How can you just pack up all your shit and move across the country? What am I supposed to tell Christopher?”
“Eddie—” Buck tries, but Eddie doesn’t stop. He steps closer instead.
“You’re going to choose him over me? Over us? I thought we were in this together, Buck.” It hurts so much that Eddie doesn’t even know how to keep a hold over his emotions.
“You can’t leave,” he begs. “If you want to be with him, fine. If you want to be with someone else, fall in love with them, fine. I hate it. I hate it so much, but I can handle it as long as you’re still here. But I can’t—” he cuts himself off, his voice thick and he can’t even look at Buck anymore. Whether it’s because of the tears in his eyes or because he’s scared of seeing how he’s going to react, Eddie looks away. “I love you so much and hearing that you’re going to move away from me, from our family—because that’s what you are, Buck. You’re my family. Me and Christopher’s. Don’t do this. Not for a man who doesn’t fucking deserve you. It hurts, Buck.”
It feels pretty pathetic to be standing in his best friend’s apartment, begging him to stay when he’s already halfway packed up. But he imagines letting Buck go, watching him leave and how it’s going to change his entire life, and decides it’s worth a little humiliation.
Eddie pictures what his life would be like keeping up with Buck from a distance. They would talk every day, at first. But then as time goes on, conversations begin dwindling. What were once daily phone calls turn into weekly ones, then monthly. Their easy conversations turn to important life updates. One day, Eddie may even find himself receiving a wedding invitation in the mail.
He imagines Buck changing his last name to something other than Diaz and he feels so angry and heartbroken that he wants to scream.
“I-I don’t know what you think you heard, Eddie. But please, you gotta let me explain—” Buck tries, but Eddie needs to get it all out before he chickens out.
“I love you, Buck. I am so in love with you and I can’t let you leave. I can’t watch you walk away. And I understand that you don’t feel the same way. It’s okay,” Eddie tries to reassure him, even though the words feel like a lie on his tongue. Maybe this is the punishment that he deserves. For loving somebody. Maybe he’s doomed to have everyone he loves leave.
“It’s fine. I can keep it to myself. You’re my best friend and that’s all I need, really. I’d be happy with that for the rest of my life. But not if you’re not here. Not if you’re thousands of miles away. Buck. I can’t, okay? Because if you leave, that’s going to change everything. I can’t be there for you when you’re so far away. We promised each other. How am I supposed to have your back when you’re all the way across the country?”
He thinks he’s finished, that he’s said everything he wanted to say. When he finally blinks away the tears and wipes his face, he can see Buck staring wordlessly at him. But he can see the tears in Buck’s eyes too, his face wet.
“I’m sorry,” Buck whispers and rubs his hand over his cheeks. “I shouldn’t—fuck, I should have answered my phone sooner.”
Eddie nods solemnly, staring at one of Buck’s kitchen towels folded up on the counter. He’s pretty sure he was with Buck at the store when he bought it. Fuck, this hurts so much.
“I get it.” He tries to understand. This choice couldn’t have been easy for him either.
“No, you don’t get it, Eddie. I didn’t—I’m not moving to New York.”
Halfway to mentally planning his escape so he can go home to lick his wounds, he freezes and whips his head up. “What?”
“I’m not moving away with Tommy. We broke up.”
"What?" Eddie’s shock must come as a surprise to Buck, who lifts his eyebrows at him curiously.
“Did you seriously think I was going to move all the way to New York for him?”
Yes! Eddie wants to scream. Yes, I did, and I’ve been losing my mind over it ever since!
But all he does is nod.
And then Buck’s biting the inside of his cheek and Eddie sees his mouth fighting back a smile, a soft little sound escaping passed his lips and—
“Are you laughing at me?”
“I’m sorry!” Buck tries but another giggle comes out and he tries to slap a hand over his mouth. “It’s just…Tommy wanted me to go with him and I told him he was crazy for even asking. I mean, we weren’t even—I wasn’t even in love with him.”
Oh.
Oh. Okay.
That’s…yeah. That’s good to know.
“But Chimney said…” Eddie trails off and Buck gives him a bemusing look.
“I don’t know why Chimney would lie to you, but I didn’t even consider moving away with him. It never even crossed my mind.”
Somewhere, far back in his memory, Eddie remembers a conversation he had with Karen once a few years ago. They were both a bottle of wine deep into a conversation when Eddie turned to her and asked So, how did you and Hen meet?
He’s going to kill Chimney.
“Really? Not even a little?” Eddie asks him, but Buck is shaking his head before he can even finish getting the words out.
“No. You wanna know why?” He steps closer to Eddie and kicks an empty box out of the way with his foot. “You wanna know why I dumped my boyfriend and told him I would never want to move away with him?”
Eddie’s mouth goes dry. Buck is standing so close that Eddie can smell his aftershave and see the glint in his eye. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want him. I don’t think I ever did, really. I had just convinced myself I did because he was the safer option. But I think I finally realized the truth when he asked me if I would be interested in going with him and I thought man, that’s the most ridiculous thing you could have asked me. Why would I want to go with him when the person I’m in love with is here?”
Everything else stops. If he and Buck are frozen in time, Eddie might just be alright with staying in this moment forever.
“What are you trying to say?” Eddie breathes out. He can’t misunderstand this. He can’t get this wrong.
“Eddie,” Buck grabs his hand—the not-broken one, and squeezes it gently. “I love you. I’m in love with you. I never wanted his attention. It was only yours. Honestly, I think it’s your attention that I've been waiting for a really, really long time.
“I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding you. If I had known what you were feeling, fuck. I would have answered your messages. I guess when I realized how I felt about you, it hit me kind of hard and I freaked out. I’ve been ignoring my phone and trying to figure out a way to tell you about Tommy without telling you how I felt. About you.”
Eddie gets it. He knows what it’s like to want to shut the rest of the world out.
The truth of Buck’s confession hits Eddie in that next moment.
Buck’s in love with him.
If it weren’t for the dull throbbing in his hand, Eddie would be sure he was asleep right now.
In all the scenarios Eddie ran through his head on the way over here, Buck being in love with him was not one he thought was actually possible.
He never believed this was a reality he could really have. No matter how badly he wanted it.
And Buck was going to keep it to himself?
“You weren’t going to tell me?” He frowns. Getting to be loved by Evan Buckley and not even knowing sounds like torture.
“You didn’t tell me, either,” Buck argues.
“Yeah, but that’s—I didn’t want you to have to, you know. It was my own—”
“It was your burden to bear?” Buck guesses.
“No,” Eddie shakes his head. “Loving you isn’t a burden.”
“Oh.” Buck flushes the prettiest shade of pink and Eddie wants to kiss him so badly.
Maybe they’re both fools for thinking anyone else in this world is more perfectly suited for each other than them.
“Can I kiss you?” He blurts out.
“Yeah,” Buck nods and then Eddie’s pulling him in with his good hand and pressing his lips to Buck’s.
His first kiss with a man is gentle, soft. Buck’s lips taste like the strawberry lip balm he’s obsessively spreading on at work and it’s a bit uncoordinated with Eddie’s fist clenched in Buck’s shirt and Buck’s hands fumbling to reach out for Eddie’s waist while trying to avoid his bandaged hand.
When they pull back a few moments later, Buck is staring at him with the same devotion as that night in the bar. It lasts only a second before he dives back in. This time, his hands find Eddie’s waist quicker, tugging him forward while Eddie’s hand curls around the back of Buck’s neck, fingertips brushing against the hairs on the back of his head.
This kiss is a little messier, and he can’t help but groan when Buck’s tongue slips past his lips. Buck is handsy, his fingertips digging into Eddie’s side, groping his waist and squeezing the muscle and bits of fat there. He sighs into his mouth while Buck walks them back toward the counter. It’s a little embarrassing to admit, but Eddie never knew kissing someone could feel like this.
And okay, yeah. Making out with a man. It’s incredible, actually.
Buck is licking into his mouth and Eddie’s fighting back the whine building up in his throat. Their mouths move together, warm and heated and just when Buck’s hands begin to grip him harder, Eddie almost thinks he’s going to lift him up onto the counter.
Instead, Buck pulls his mouth away and leans down to press a few open-mouthed kisses down Eddie’s neck, nipping at the skin once before he pulls away completely.
He takes a few moments to collect himself. He’s not a teenager. He should be able to handle a little making out.
When he looks up and sees Buck, with his pupils slightly blown out, Eddie’s glad to see he’s not the only one affected.
“Fuck,” Buck breathes out. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too,” Eddie tells him, watching the grin spread across Buck’s face at the words.
“I can’t believe we’ve been so stupid,” Buck groans. “I should have been dating you this whole time.”
Eddie nods. Yeah, he thinks. They could have been doing this for years.
Wait.
“Dating? Is that what we’re doing?” Eddie bites his lip and when Buck meets his eyes, the other man hesitates.
“Well,” he starts. “I mean, if you want to? To be completely honest, I don’t want to keep waiting. I love you. You love me. I want to be together.”
It is the easiest thing Eddie’s ever agreed to. “Yeah, I want to. Of course I want to.”
Buck pulls him in for another kiss, much tamer than the last one. Then he pulls back and wraps his arms around him, pulling him in for a hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “For avoiding you. For making you think I was going to leave. I’m not, Eddie. I promised you I’d always have your back and I meant it. I’m not going anywhere.”
The reassurance calms any remaining anxiety Eddie’s been feeling since the phone call with Chimney. “I’m sorry, too. For coming in here and yelling at you like that.”
Buck shakes his head. “Don’t be. You forced the both of us to pull our heads out of our asses.”
Well, Eddie thinks. Maybe he won’t kill Chimney after all.
He thinks an edible arrangement might be more suitable. But maybe one that’s been sitting out for a day or two.
He’ll think on it.
They stand there in each other’s arms until Eddie remembers the boxes still scattered everywhere.
“Wait,” Eddie asks suddenly. “So why are you packing up everything in your loft?”
Buck chuckles. “My lease, remember?” And god, how could Eddie have forgotten that? “I’m not going to stay here.”
“Where are you going to go? Did you end up finding another place?” How much could he have missed after a week out of work?
Biting his lip, Buck heaves out a sigh. “No. Not yet. I’m putting most of this in storage. Honestly, with everything happening with Tommy, I kinda forgot to lock down a place.”
Eddie huffs. “You should have asked me to help you with all of this. Have you been packing up everything by yourself?”
Buck gives him an incredulous look. “Eddie. Your hand is broken. I’m not going to ask you to help me pack up my apartment.”
And that’s perhaps a valid point. But still. If he wants to help his boyfriend move out of his apartment, that should be within his right.
He tells Buck as such and watches his eyes gleam when Eddie calls him his boyfriend. But Buck still shoots down his offer.
When Eddie frowns, at least Buck kisses him again and calls his sulking face cute.
(He’s not sulking, for the record, but he’ll agree to whatever as long as it gets Buck's lips back on him.)
Ten minutes later, Eddie is leaning up against the counter, watching Buck walk back and forth around the kitchen.
“At least tell me you’re not planning to do all of this alone.”
Buck grabs the kitchen towels Eddie was eyeing earlier and throws them into the box. “Chim and Maddie are supposed to come over tomorrow and help— no, Eddie. Stop. Sit down. I mean it. Thank you —with the rest of the stuff. Whatever doesn’t fit in storage is going to go in their garage for now.” Buck grabs the spatula out of Eddie’s hand and adds it to the box.
“Where are you going to stay?”
“At their house. In the spare bedroom. Just for now. I have a few places that I might like. You can come look at them with me if you want.” Buck’s taping off the box and hauling it over to the corner with the others.
If Eddie stares at his arms while he’s carrying the box, he’s allowed to do so now without feeling guilty, thank you very much.
“No,” he says suddenly.
“Uh–” Buck stands up and turns to Eddie. “O-Okay. I mean, you don’t have to come.”
“No,” Eddie corrects. “I mean don’t move in with your sister and Chimney.”
“No?” Buck’s puzzled expression deepens. “So where do you propose I should go?”
“Move in with me instead,” Eddie tells him. Actually, he was wrong earlier. This is the easiest decision of his life.
“Are–are you serious right now?” Buck asks, coming over and stopping in front of him. “You want me to move in? Like, until I find a place or?”
“No.” Eddie shakes his head. “Permanently. Forever. Don’t ever move out.”
Buck’s mouth falls open. Eddie’s not sure why he seems so surprised. Does he not know that Eddie wants to spend the rest of his life with Buck?
Maybe he should get him a ring to prove it.
(He ends up waiting on that for another year, but the idea still remains in the back of his mind.)
“Are you sure?”
“Duh.” Eddie rolls his eyes.
“Duh.” Buck mocks him. “Oh yeah, that totally convinced me.”
“I’m serious. Buck. I want you to move in and never plan to move out. What do you say?”
Eddie wants to keep Buck to himself for the rest of his life. And he thinks that Buck would love to have someone Eddie keep him. Forever.
The other man leans down to kiss him again. Objectively, it’s a bad kiss because neither of them can stop smiling for even a second, but Eddie loves every moment.
“I say yes, but we’re taking my mattress. Yours sucks.”
“Fine with me,” Eddie agrees with a shrug. Another easy decision. He watches Buck’s grin grow wider, his eyes flashing with mischief. His hands reach out to grab Eddie’s hips, fingertips slipping underneath his shirt to brush against his sides.
“Are you sure you don’t wanna test it out first?” Buck’s head tilts up towards the loft. “Maybe a few times? Just in case?”
“Subtlety is not your strong suit,” Eddie tells him when Buck’s lips brush against his neck.
“Don’t care,” Buck murmurs and trails his lips up until they meet Eddie’s in a gentle peck. “What do you want? It’s up to you.”
When Eddie meets Buck’s eyes and says “Well I guess I do need to know what I’m getting myself into, right?” and Buck’s expression turns coy, he’s reminded of just how many days it’s been without the proper use of his right hand.
“I was hoping you would say that.”
Eddie laughs and it quickly turns to a shout when Buck’s arm wraps around his waist and hauls him off the barstool.
“Eager much?” Eddie teases him, but lets Buck lead him up the stairs and towards his bed.
“You love it.” Buck throws a look over his shoulder. “You love me.”
That right there, is probably the easiest thing of all.
✦✦✦✦
Buck:
I don’t know exactly what you did
But thanks
Actually you kinda freaked eddie out
So you should apologize for that
But also thank you
Also I don’t need to stay with u and maddie anymore
Chimney:
!!!!!
2 for 2!!!
If you have any other friends that need to pull their heads out of their asses, feel free to send them my way!