Chapter Text
‘Come over.’
The text was from Harvey. Mike had only just arrived home and eased onto his couch moments ago, and he couldn’t fathom moving again. His brain and body were deflating after a very long day, which seemed even longer without Harvey at his side when he needed him. Mike knew he shouldn’t have yelled at Jessica Pearson. Of all the lines he’d crossed that day, it was the most careless and he hoped he hadn’t landed Harvey in some kind of trouble because of it. Mike had more or less been flying solo for the past couple of weeks, but Harvey still claimed a reasonable level of responsibility over him. The outburst must have been what the text was about, but Mike wasn’t in the mood to be yelled at. He was aware that he had fucked up, and he was sorry. But where the hell had Harvey been all day? It must have been convenient to catch a train the day he asked Mike to undermine their boss, and he couldn’t help but believe that Harvey’s absence had been deliberate.
Unfortunately, the very idea of ignoring Harvey’s text was simply out of the question. Mike lifted his thumbs to his phone to type back when he realized how oddly phrased the request invitation demand had been. It didn’t sound like he was wanted at the office.
‘over where?’
Mike shifted down lower into the couch and closed his eyes. He was just dozing off when the vibration of his phone snapped him back to consciousness.
‘My place.’
This couldn’t be good. The pit of Mike’s stomach was heavy with dread, and he tried to stop himself, but he had lost his patience hours ago.
‘no u come here if important’
Mike dropped the phone onto the coffee table and collapsed back into the couch. He watched the little chunk of technology lay still and quiet for about a minute with heavy, sleepy eyes before he finally let them close. It couldn’t have been that important after all…
Mike was in a very deep sleep, dreaming something strange and exhausting that he would never remember, when the knock at his door woke him. His body and mind were unwilling to sacrifice rest and his instincts told him to hide in the apartment and pretend not to be home, having no idea who would want to bother him. Maybe a burglar. Did they knock? What was the protocol? But after another set of knocks came, the fog in his brain began to lift and he realized that it was Harvey. The impulse to hide never left him. He couldn’t let himself be all that annoyed because he had told him to come if it was important. Since that was the case, Mike dragged himself to his feet and shuffled across the apartment to his door to silence the persistent knocking, almost tripping on one leg that was still asleep.
“Just because you’re my boss,” Mike began as he unlocked the door and opened it, “that doesn’t mean I’m obligated to be available for your every whim at every hour of every…”
Mike forgot where he was going when he saw immediately that there was definitely something wrong with Harvey. He first thought he noticed it that morning at Grand Central when he hadn’t been in the mood for Mike’s Ferris Bueller’s Day Off references. His chin hung just a little lower than usual, and his eyes were just a little dull. He was wearing the same shirt, sweater and slacks Mike had seen him in that morning, which still unnerved him. Casual clothing on Harvey, no matter how expensive, almost always looked like a costume. The man had been wrapped in Tom Ford at birth.
“I’m not here as your boss,” Harvey said. No, admitted.
“Are you okay?” Mike eyed the man carefully. He looked so unfamiliar, which sharpened Mike’s focus and he didn’t feel like napping anymore. Apparently they had both had a long day.
Harvey rolled his eyes, annoyed with the obligatory question. “Ask me anything but that.”
“Come on in,” Mike decided, stepping aside, but Harvey lifted a hand in protest.
“I better not.”
Mike bit his tongue on a ‘why not’ and settled back in the doorway, looking Harvey up and down. Something was different. He just couldn’t put his finger on it. It was evident that he was about to say something he didn’t want to say, which made it difficult to move the conversation forward.
“Just get it over with,” Mike pressed carefully. “Am I fired or what?” Actually, the thought hadn’t even occurred to him until he heard his own words, and he immediately regretted throwing the possibility out there… because it was possible. If Donna could be fired, anyone could be.
“Mike, listen—“
“Oh shit—“
“No, you’re not fired, just listen.” Harvey exhaled deeply and looked Mike square in the eye, sending a hot chill straight to the marrow of his spine. “I’m going to tell you something, and you can do whatever you want with it, and you’re not going to like it, but you did ask for it.” It sounded as if Harvey was pre-emptively blaming Mike for something yet to happen, which was kind of a relief because that was more like him.
Mike desperately scanned his brain for anything he’d asked Harvey to tell him. Only one thing came to mind. It was the thing. What troubled Mike was that Harvey was broaching the topic months after it had been informally buried. Harvey was nervous to come into his apartment…
And suddenly Mike knew what this was really about. He needed it to not be true. Mike always knew they were going to have the talk eventually, but as long as they were working together it was never going to be the right time.
The thing that Harvey had to say was already common knowledge, though the extent of ‘it’ had been a well-kept secret for some time. Harvey didn’t show up at his door in the middle of the night, willingly stripped of his professional superiority, to tell him something that everybody already knew. Mike would have to get Harvey the hell out of there or prove him wrong, because he was too weak for this now. They both were. The only reason this ‘it’ had been kept under tabs all this while was because they had never both been vulnerable to it at the same time. That’s why Mike had stopped seeking confirmation a long time ago. The prospect of a confession had become a serious risk once he realized the extent of their situation, and was better left unspoken.
“It’s fine Harvey, you don’t have to…”
Harvey inched closer and the smell of whisky hit Mike like a blanket, prompting him to move back discretely. Alcohol was an excuse they could both fall back on (especially in his reckless fantasies) but it wasn’t a reason. Why now?
Harvey paused and stuck his hands in his pockets, noting Mike’s hesitance. “You told me to come here if it’s important,” he pointed out.
“It’s not,” Mike blurted automatically.
“So you were just pretending that it mattered to you. All along.”
“Don’t do this.”
“It’s done. It’s out there.” Harvey shrugged unapologetically.
“Great, then you can go home now.” Mike gulped, his anxiety rising. He didn’t want to tell Harvey to go, but he needed to get some distance between them right away. This wasn’t like at work where there were other people around and he could just leave the room or the building. This was where Mike lived. Harvey should have known better. “I can’t hear this right now,” Mike continued. “You can’t just drop things on me like this…”
“Can’t, can’t, can’t,” Harvey echoed in annoyance as Mike continued to speak.
“…I was on my own all day. I tried to do what you told me to, but… I yelled at Jessica, did she tell you that?” He didn’t give Harvey a chance to respond. There was an unexpected flicker of approval in his eyes that annoyed Mike. “In front of the whole office. I needed your help and you weren’t there.”
“I probably would have done the same.”
“How can you say that? You don’t even know what happened, you weren’t… where the fuck were you?”
“I was getting some perspective,” Harvey stated firmly.
“Perspective. Great. Look, I know what you came here to say, Harvey, and your perspective is wrong.” Mike hated lying.
“You think it’s wrong?”
“Well – no, not…” Was Harvey intentionally twisting his words? “Of course I don’t think it’s wrong, just that it… it isn’t. Because I’m… not.” If he didn’t finish the sentence then it wasn’t really a lie, was it? He wasn’t even sure which lie he wasn’t telling: that he didn’t have feelings for men, or that he didn’t have feelings for Harvey.
“That doesn’t matter.” Harvey’s expression was deliberately vacant. “It’s not your problem, I’m just being fair.” He shook his head and ran his fingers through his hair. “Screw this. Can we stop saying ‘it’ now? This is ridiculous…”
Mike couldn’t move past the fact that Harvey had chosen not to come into his apartment. Knowing his restraint was that thin drove Mike crazy. He knew what could happen, and how easy it would be to go there. He bit down on his lip and tried to wrap this up as neatly a possible.
“Okay, so you think you give a shit about me,” Mike offered briskly through tense lips when Harvey was about to speak again. He didn’t want to let him say too much.
“Mike—“
“It’s whatever.” He could feel his face turning red and he couldn’t keep up with how rattled he was getting. The ‘c’ word was on the tip of his tongue. “I mean, it’s convenient to care about somebody when they’re being useful...”
“Mike—“
“If you care about someone, you care about them, Harvey. You don’t pick and choose. So… you can’t expect me to take this seriously.” Mike was feeling something like anger, and it was Harvey’s reluctance that provoked him even more than his intent. His instincts were to retaliate and call Harvey dishonest and manipulative (both untrue at this moment), but at the same time he didn’t want to tempt him to prove anything. “You weren’t there for me today and coming here now all friendly and gooey isn’t going to change the fact that you ran off to hide while I did your dirty work. I’m just saying that actions speak louder than—“
Mike’s thoughts turned to white static as Harvey moved in and brought a firm, warm hand to his neck, gently paralyzing him. He willed his body to protest but nothing was happening, and Harvey was looking at him like he was the one who had done this. With all the strength he could gather from the bottom of his soul, he pulled out a desperate plea: “Don’t…” He lifted his arms to push Harvey away, and it was working, sort of… but somehow his feet were following Harvey’s, across the hall, until Harvey’s back made contact with the wall opposite his door and Mike couldn’t stop. He just couldn’t. And he couldn’t look at Harvey’s face as he pressed his nose to his cheekbone. And he couldn’t breathe as Harvey’s arms moved around him. “I can’t,” Mike breathed, winded.
Those solid hands found his arms and pulled him away, but Mike could only stare at Harvey’s shoes. They were so clean that he could almost make out his own reflection, but he didn’t want to see himself like this.
“I don’t expect you to,” Harvey muttered as he let go. “I just thought you should know.”
= = =
Mike only really became aware of his arousal when his erection pressed against the closed and locked door of his apartment after Harvey sent himself home. His hand found its way into his pants only after he was sure Harvey was gone. Mike jerked himself off quick and rough with his forehead pressed against the door, eyes squeezed shut, coming in his underwear with a subdued groan barely 30 seconds later, but he didn’t get the release he wanted. He wanted Harvey. But they couldn’t…
‘Admit it. You care about me.’
It had started as a joke. Mike only teased Harvey in order to remind him that he wasn’t superhuman. It seemed that by Harvey’s logic, caring not only didn’t make him superhuman, but somehow subhuman. There was an undeniable fraction of altruism in Harvey’s decision to take a chance on Mike and hire him. He only stopped teasing him about it a couple of months into the job when the moment came that Harvey didn’t even try to shut him down with a cold or witty response. He didn’t say anything at all. He just leaned back in his chair looked at him – not just meeting his eyes, but letting his gaze wander across his body. Mike watched Harvey watching him across his office that morning as the silence dragged on. He waited for it to end, but it didn’t. Harvey was breathing deep and steady, his eyes bearing down on him relentlessly, watching him drown in the heavy silence for what must have been nearly a full minute and felt even longer.
That’s when it stopped being funny or cute, because Harvey cared. Apparently, he cared a lot. He cared even more than he was allowed to say, and he couldn’t deny it anymore, so he said nothing. Wordlessly, in that excruciating minute, they both knew. Neither of them could forget it after that.
‘Sorry.’
It was all Mike could say before he walked out of that conversation months earlier. Things hadn’t quite been same since, both of them keeping to themselves more than usual. He never brought it up again and never expected that Harvey would have been the one to do so. It was unexpected and made him wonder what had inspired his boss’ newfound ‘perspective’ that day. He didn’t believe that drinking would have done it alone. Something else was going on.
Mike eased his wet hand out of his pants and made his way to the shower. He scrubbed himself raw under the hot water, a tension in his chest building with each passing minute despite every effort to dissolve it. Where the hell did that arrogant bastard find the nerve to drag this to the surface? It had always been a ticking time bomb, but Mike had hoped that it would somehow just go on ticking forever because he couldn’t survive the shrapnel. Of course Mike knew. He wasn’t deaf or blind or stupid. Everyone knew that Harvey cared about him, but the two of them were the only ones who knew how much.
Despite no longer being aroused, Mike worked a soapy finger into his asshole. He slid in another and another until the pain made him stop. He fucked himself with his fingers, bracing his free hand against the slippery tile wall, face pressed against his wet arm, flaccid cock twitching just a little at the sensation. He was slowly getting better at distracting his body enough so that he wouldn’t go looking for sexual satisfaction from strangers (or worse: other co-workers) when he felt empty and frustrated. He couldn’t convince himself that he didn’t need Harvey though, because the void was never really filled no matter how hard he tried to trick his body into a false satisfaction. A distraction here or there never lasted. Mike didn’t know how much more he could take. They had come so close this time. Sending him away had mostly been an act of protest. It wasn’t fair that Harvey was allowed to talk about it after Mike had worked to keep it to himself for so long. He thought that’s what Harvey wanted.
Apparently not anymore.
Mike pulled his fingers free, relieving his aching wrist, and spent the next five minutes thinking about what would have happened if Harvey had come into the apartment when he was invited earlier, or if Mike had gone to his. How much more screwed up could their working relationship really get? Things were already way beyond professional, and they had managed to do a fairly solid job of keeping secrets thus far.
Fuck it all: he wanted it. They wanted it. Harvey barely even tried to mask his desire on a daily basis in the safety of a public workspace. If Mike went to him and the fix was good, it would be worth it. If it was bad or awkward, he could move on. If he went over there and nothing happened, it would still be worth watching Harvey deal with him because he had no idea what to expect and he loved keeping that man on his toes.
When Mike got out of the shower he dried himself, looked at his cold and messy bed, and made his decision quickly. He groomed and dressed himself as fast as possible so as not to let his thoughts interrupt his actions, and five minutes later he was out the door with his mantra – fuck it all – running on a loop in his brain. This had gone on long enough.
===
Mike wasn’t nervous anymore by the time he made it to Harvey’s apartment. He had the upper hand because he’d caught Harvey off-guard after casually sneaking into the building behind another resident. (The security guard seemed to remember him by now and indifferently returned Mike’s nod.) Soon they were there again, standing face to face in the middle of the night at Harvey’s door. It had happened so many times before, but this time there would be no pretense.
“I’m sorry I told you to leave.” Mike hadn’t expected an apology to be the first thing out of his mouth, but he hadn’t exactly planned what he was going to say either, so there it was: honesty. “I was pissed off. I’m not anymore.”
Harvey was still wearing the same clothes as earlier, though his sweater was gone now and his feet were bare. His shirt was unbuttoned just one notch lower than Mike was used to seeing it. He resisted the impulse to reach out and unbutton the rest, and opted for words instead. Just in case. He was just standing there, waiting for Mike to justify his visit.
“Let’s just get it over with,” Mike suggested once more, but this time he knew what they were actually talking about.
Harvey gave him a strange look, like he’d missed the punch line. “Get what over with? I thought we just did.”
“You know what.” He wasn’t about to let Harvey act like his visit earlier that night would never be addressed again. “Stop torturing me and just put me out of my misery so we can all get on with our lives.”
“Aren’t you big enough to rip off your own band-aids by now?” He had no idea how hard Mike had been trying to do just that without success for months on end. Harvey leaned against the doorframe casually. Everything was so easy for him.
“Don’t do this now,” Mike thought out loud. He gulped and took a dangerous leap. “How do you want me? On my knees? My stomach? Do you want me on top? I can make this really easy for you.” His toes curled against the soles of his shoes, desperately trying to hold himself steady. He had officially gone there and couldn’t unsay it.
Harvey gave him the eyebrow. “I’m sorry, could you repeat that a little louder? I don’t think all my neighbours heard you.”
Mike was on the verge of listing off a variety of sex acts at the top of his voice, just to stick it to the man whose job it was to make his life more frustrating than it needed to be, but Harvey seemed to sense this just in time. He chewed the inside of his cheek as he considered their environment for a moment before slipping his hand around Mike’s arm, pulling him into the apartment. Mike should have been used to the touch having been escorted out of Harvey’s office that way time and time again, but he wasn’t.
“You think I want to have sex with you?” He let Mike slip from his grasp with a subtle reluctance he probably thought would go unnoticed. “I never said that.” Harvey spoke calmly with perhaps even with a little amusement as he shut the door behind them and leaned back against it.
Mike couldn’t really think beyond the heated imprint where Harvey’s hand had just been, although he quickly felt that any power he might have felt arriving at Harvey’s doorstep (unexpected, freshly scrubbed and horny as hell) disintegrated with Harvey’s denial. It seemed like he was playing stupid, but Mike didn’t know why. Harvey was the one to come to him that night, and the one to reach out and touch him first. Maybe this was all just a game to him. It was also possible that he was just now sobering up.
“What do you expect me to think? You touched me.” Mike knew he didn’t need to spell it out, but his defenses were up. “You told me that you…” But he realized that the words had never really been there. Had he filled in the blanks on his own? How much had really been in his head?
Harvey broke eye contact for a moment and scratched his neck. Mike prayed that it wasn’t veiled regret that he was seeing.
“You started this,” Mike continued out of some childish impulse, but to be honest he had no idea who started it or when exactly it had started. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.”
“On your back,” Harvey decided suddenly, meeting Mike’s eyes.
“My back?” Mike’s chest warmed and tingled again. Why did it sound so easy but feel so impossible? It occurred to him that Harvey had likely asked for him on his back specifically because it wasn’t one of the options he’d offered. Mike suddenly became awkwardly aware of his arms hanging on either side of him and had no idea what to do with himself, so he stuck his thumbs into his jean pockets. Harvey’s eyes flicked downward at the movement. Mike felt a little bit of power charging into him through that gaze. He dislodged his thumbs from his pants and shrugged his jacket over his shoulders, down his arms.
“Bedroom’s that way,” Harvey confirmed, gesturing down the hall. His expression was still unreadable.
Mike’s legs were frozen. Suddenly this was happening so fast. Harvey shot him an expectant glance.
“Oh, my mistake. I thought you said you wanted to get this over with.” Harvey’s sarcasm was painful and delicious, and Mike wanted to drink it straight from his lips. For the first time in months, he really didn’t care if Harvey saw him staring at his mouth and didn’t try to stop himself. “Look,” Harvey continued, “if you really want to do this thing then by all means, let’s go. Ready when you are.” But Harvey wasn’t budging either. Maybe it was because he’d already made the first move.
Something told Mike that Harvey was trying to call his bluff, but there was no way either one of them could really believe he would back down now. Mike swallowed hard and forced his feet to turn walk down the window-lined hall into Harvey’s apartment. He tossed his jacket over the edge of the couch and paused when he saw an empty bottle of whiskey on the dining table. He couldn’t look back but he couldn’t move forward. The reality of the situation seeped in through a crack in his mind and Mike shook his head, digging his fingers into the back of the couch. Maybe he wasn’t up for this. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Harvey’s reflection in the wall-to-wall window as he walked up behind him, looking at him like a new toy that he wasn’t sure how he was supposed to play with yet.
The apartment was so quiet. Too quiet.
“You really shouldn’t be here,” Harvey decided.
Mike finally turned. “You’re the one who asked me to come here before—“
“Yeah, before I remembered that you live inside your own personal soap opera and you’ve got a real problem with platonic relationships. People have them every day, Mike, it’s not that freaky.” He shook his head. “I should have known better.”
Mike could admit that he did have a hard time keeping his relationships platonic. He could also recognize that just because Harvey didn’t want to have a certain conversation with him as his boss earlier, that didn’t mean he had to totally bypass friendship and jump to intimacy… but: “Face it, Harvey, you and I haven’t really been platonic in a long time.”
Harvey’s jaw tensed. “I wasn’t inviting you over for sex,” he explained slowly and quietly, the word ‘sex’ weighing heavily on his tongue.
“So what for then? To drink?” He nodded towards the open bottle on the table.
Harvey sighed deeply. “That’s not for you.” Then added carefully: “Do you need something?”
Mike shook his head, feeling a little strange that Harvey might think he might require alcohol to calm his nerves. He resisted the urge to ask Harvey again where he’d been that day and who the bottle was for. It clearly wasn’t the right time.
“I didn’t intend to do anything about it.” Harvey contradicted himself when he stepped in closer, not even seeming to realize it. “I just thought I should acknowledge what’s going on here. To be fair.” Mike felt Harvey’s eyes flicker across his body again. “There are just some things that people have a right to know.”
One thing Harvey had said really stuck to his brain. “Intend?” Mike echoed, realizing that Harvey never said he didn’t want intimacy. He just hadn’t planned it.
“I didn’t mean for it to be this way,” Harvey admitted, more to himself than to Mike. “You were right. It’s wrong.”
Mike felt lost in so many ways, even though what he wanted was right in front of him. His mind and body were pulling him in too many different directions simultaneously. Harvey wasn’t himself, and he’d been drinking. They were both exhausted. Mike had absolutely no idea what time it was – somewhere between midnight and 4:00am. It was all too much to handle under the circumstances.
“Okay. I’ll go,” Mike consigned with a shrug, feeling painfully foolish and lewd for imposing himself after Harvey only wanted to share something in the name of respect and understanding. Mike moved towards the door feeling like he was trying to quit all over again, but as he passed the man standing between him and the exit, an arm hooked around his waist. Mike ground his teeth trying to contain himself.
“Fuck, do you want me or not?” he finally demanded, inches from Harvey’s face.
“You have no idea how much,” Harvey said abruptly, his other hand slipping around Mike’s back, making him shiver. “Stay. If you want to, stay.”
“Okay,” Mike breathed automatically. “I want to.” He was having trouble finding his breath.
“But only because you’re not. You don’t. Hear me, Mike? Don’t prove me wrong.” He searched Mike’s eyes for a moment and seemed anxious with his lack of response. “Let’s keep this simple. I can’t do that if your head’s not on straight.”
Mike blinked and shook his head briefly, wondering what Harvey meant by ‘not’, but he was no longer capable of forming questions. There was a thumb pressing gently below his chin, warm breath on his neck…
As he listened to a rush of breath leave his body, Mike did recall vaguely denying that his feelings were mutual when Harvey was at his door earlier that night. He had been overwhelmed and angry, and he hadn’t even been able to bring himself to completely lie to him, but apparently Harvey believed his ambiguous untruth. Mike parted his lips to correct him – but I care about you a whole fucking lot too, and it goes way beyond sex or friendship, because I am and I do and I want you to know it – but a wet tongue beneath his jaw erased his memory.
“Harvey,” Mike whispered, closing his eyes as his hand found Harvey’s waist, urging him to stay close. All of the energy and excitement he’d arrived with rushed back into his body within a second. Warm lips ran up his neck, along his jawbone to his ear where teeth tugged briefly at the lobe, and across his cheek… stopping at his lips.
Mike opened his mouth, breathless. Harvey teased him with the briefest touch of their lips and his entire body reacted, confidence and warmth surging into his blood. He leaned forward and swallowed the kiss, pouring himself into Harvey’s arms. He had never in his life been more aroused as when he felt the vibration of Harvey’s satisfied moan against his tongue. A hand at the back of his head, bringing the kiss even deeper, confirmed that it was the right thing.
There was no taste of the alcohol Mike had detected earlier – only a hint of mouthwash – but it might not have made any difference. His morals were weak at this point, if he had any left. Harvey pressed back against him with even more strength, pinning his hips to the back of the couch with strong hands, reminding Mike abruptly that Harvey knew how to throw a punch with those fists. Usually Mike hooked up with flimsier guys because the possibility of being physically overpowered by a stranger was almost enough to make him nauseous. This was different. It was safe. In the warmth of that kiss, Mike regretted ever coming up with ways to convince himself that having sex with Harvey could be a danger to his job or his emotional health. That wasn’t danger – it was just life. He trusted Harvey more than anyone he’d ever known.
Harvey was pushing up against him so hard that Mike nearly fell backwards over the couch before Harvey caught him there, while Mike lost his footing and hooked his legs desperately around Harvey’s to try to hold himself upright. When Harvey slid his mouth down to his collarbone, Mike’s head fell back and his throat opened to release an abandoned sigh of relief.
“I want you so fucking much!” Mike rasped. He dug his fingers into Harvey’s arms and ducked his head to find his lips again.
“Don’t say anything,” Harvey murmured against Mike’s cheek before pulling him back onto his feet and accepting his eager mouth. “Unless it’s ‘stop’.” His hands were everywhere and Mike finally knew they were both equally desperate, which turned him on even more. “I’m serious,” Harvey added. “The less I know the better…”
Mike wasn’t surprised that Harvey was playing the plausible deniability card. He shut them both up by catching his lower lip between his teeth and immediately their tongues were sliding together again.
Unwilling to move his hand from the back of Harvey’s neck as he devoured his mouth, Mike clumsily worked at his shirt buttons with his left hand. When he was unsuccessful, he simply slid his hand up Harvey’s shirt and ran his fingertips across a nipple before catching it and tugging gently.
Harvey broke the kiss with a breathy moan, pushing Mike back to arm’s length. For a moment he thought he’d done something Harvey didn’t like, but banished that thought when Harvey finished the job Mike had started on his shirt and shrugged it off. Mike lifted his own t-shirt over his head slipped his hand around Harvey’s exposed waist, pulling their bodies together, dying for the warmth of the other man’s skin against his. Strong fingers dug into the flesh of his ass, pulling him in tight, then worked their way up his back, really feeling him from top to bottom. There was something about the way that Harvey touched him that was almost too much to bear. His mouth and hands were hungry and possessive, yet so effortlessly intuitive and generous in the way that they manipulated his flesh and the electric currents inside of him. Something felt unusually natural about being with Harvey. Their bodies were already so familiar.
The feeling of Harvey’s growing erection against his hip through their pants was too tempting to ignore. Mike impulsively dropped to his knees in the middle of the apartment with Harvey’s encouraging hands at his head and shoulder and immediately set his fingers to the task of undoing his pants, fully prepared to worship his cock with his mouth and hands until his knees bled. Once he’d opened his pants and pulled them down his hips, Mike broke eye contact with Harvey to press his face to the large, warm bulge inside his underwear, breathing in his scent and opening his mouth to the damp spot on the cotton, wetting it even further with his tongue.
Fingertips dug into his scalp and he felt Harvey shudder as he swelled in response. Mike tipped his head up to look at Harvey again. His chin was in the air, throat exposed, chest slowly heaving. Regardless his state of near nudity, there was something truly naked about him. He was usually so self-aware and calculated… Mike loved seeing him this way, completely open. He hastily dug is fingers into the elastic waistband of his underwear but Harvey caught his wrists.
“I said I want you on your back. Not on your knees.” Harvey urged him to his feet and shoved him towards the bedroom. “And not in front of Buddha,” he added, reaching down to pull his ankles free of his pants.
Mike had noticed the small statue on his first visit to Harvey’s new apartment. “Yeah I meant to ask, why do you have a Buddhist shrine in your apartment? Is he aware that you’re capitalist scum?”
“That was here when I moved in,” Harvey lied absently, redirecting Mike’s attention as he slid his hand down the front of his jeans, which was just about enough to send his eyes rolling back into his head.
The bedroom was dark as he let Harvey guide him to the bed, stepping backwards until he made contact with the mattress and sat. Mike pressed a hand flat against the other man’s smooth, strong back, pulling him close as he offered a lap of his tongue up the centre of his chest. Before he even knew what was happening, Harvey had pushed him onto his back and roughly worked open his pants. He was so hard it hurt and the feeling of Harvey’s hand brushing against his erection through his underwear brought out a deep, earnest moan. The relentless attention dizzied him further with Harvey’s lips at his neck once again and he didn’t even realize that his pants and underwear were already gone until he felt his naked cock pressing against Harvey’s, which was still restricted by the fabric of his underwear. Before he could reach down and give it some attention, Harvey slid back off the bed to tear the shoes and socks from Mike’s feet, followed by the clothing bunched around his ankles. Smooth, warm hands trailed back up his thighs, consuming his naked flesh.
Mike propped himself up on his elbows as Harvey’s eyes drank in his nudity.
“I want the rest of you,” Mike breathed, sitting upright.
Harvey climbed on top of Mike’s thighs and shoved his shoulders back into the mattress.
“On your back,” he reminded him, running his hands down Mike’s chest. When Harvey’s fist clasped around his aching hard-on, Mike shot back up onto his elbows again, his lips itching to be kissed, needing to connect at every possible point. Harvey let go of his cock to grab his wrists and shove them into the mattress above his head. “Stay down,” he instructed.
“I can’t.” Mike squeezed his eyes shut and strained against Harvey’s weight. He really couldn’t control himself. It wasn’t possible to just lay there and be a passive object to Harvey’s affection, regardless of how much he enjoyed his strength. Then he felt Harvey smile against his cheek.
“I know,” he said, releasing his wrists, placing one hand on his neck. “That’s what I love about you.”
Mike blinked his eyes open, his heart rate escalating dangerously. Harvey wouldn’t meet his gaze after thoughtlessly letting the word slip that he’d been working so hard to avoid, but instead ran his thumb under Mike’s jaw and tipped his head into a kiss.
Mike experimentally pressed his hand to Harvey’s chest, sitting up with him, moaning gratefully when Harvey allowed it. He managed to slip out from underneath Harvey’s legs and kneel in front of him, barely breaking their kiss for more than a few seconds. His fingers traced down Harvey’s spine, spreading out over his taut ass, before slipping into the waistband of his briefs and sliding them down around his knees as Harvey lifted a little to accommodate the gesture. Mike’s palm was aching to feel how hard and warm Harvey was. When his fingers closed around Harvey’s shaft he felt him exhale against his neck.
“You’re big,” Mike observed aloud without meaning to. He was thick and heavy, and probably more so than the men he’d encountered before although it wasn’t something he usually made a note of being drunk, stoned and impatient most of the time. This might have been the first time he’d found himself in another man’s bed without feeling like he needed to rush through it, as much as a part of him really did want to ‘get it over with’ as he said.
“I really wish you’d stop talking.” Harvey swiped his thumb across Mike’s lower lip. “But that’s not gonna happen is it?”
Mike wordlessly turned his head and stuck out his tongue to wet the man’s palm, generously wetting it. Not a moment later, Harvey’s slick hand was in Mike’s lap, coaxing even more blood into his already painfully engorged erection.
Mike lost track of time after that. Their heavy pants and broken moans pushed the silence from the room and filled the air with lust and they did nothing more than sit there face to face, stroking each other, enjoying the reactions they could draw from each other’s bodies and lips. Eventually he could no longer tolerate the gap between them and slid both hands around Harvey’s hips to dig his fingers aggressively into his ass, needing him closer.
Harvey didn’t seem interested in waiting either. He pressed one hand to Mike’s chest and slid another around his ankle, flipping him onto his back with a heel hooked over his shoulder in no time at all. Mike watched his own knee come closer to his face as Harvey stretched up and across the bed to grab a condom from his night stand, absolutely disregarding whether or not Mike’s body was willing to be bent in half. (It was.)
Harvey settled back on top of him, the length of his cock pressed against the back of Mike’s thigh. Even nose-to-nose Mike could barely see Harvey’s face in the dark, but he imagined his big, dark brown eyes looking down at him full of want, and wondered what they saw.
Perforated foil tickled his lower lip as Harvey fed him the corner of the condom wrapper. Mike caught the foil between his teeth and carefully ripped it open, vaguely enjoying the familiar taste of aluminum, latex and lubricant, eagerly pushing his hips up against Harvey’s. Their lips touched absently in a half-kiss as Harvey took the condom and slid it onto himself before lifting Mike’s other leg over his shoulder. Mike reached down and grasped Harvey’s firm thighs for support, taking some pressure off of Harvey’s shoulders. He’d never done it this way before, but Harvey was guiding his body naturally and effortlessly in a way that avoided any potential clumsiness on Mike’s part.
He lay there breathless, waiting for Harvey to open him up, feeling like that was the only thing that could diffuse the deafening pulse hammering at every corner of his body. The need was too heavy to carry any longer. Harvey’s hands ran up Mike’s chest and flattened against his shoulders as he pushed him down deeper into the mattress.
“Do you like it in the ass?” It was a frank question and elicited more arousal than intended.
Mike almost laughed. “You’re asking me this now?” He wasn’t sure if Harvey was asking because it turned him on to hear the answer, or if he actually didn’t know what to expect.
Harvey’s thumbs traced beneath his collar bones and waited.
“I love it,” he finally answered. Mike wasn’t sure why he felt so surprised by the question. It wasn’t invalid, but how could he not want Harvey to fuck him? “I’ll beg if you want me to.”
Harvey leaned in, trapping Mike’s knees between their shoulders, and spoke against mouth: “Not necessary.” His voice was low and heavy with need, his breath trickling down into Mike’s lungs, warming his chest from the inside out.
Harvey braced one hand on the mattress and reached down between them with the other. Mike felt his thumb swirling around the slippery, sensitive head of his cock for a moment, making his thighs twitch and his chest tighten, then those fingers traced down his shaft, cupping his balls before travelling lower again. A satisfied groan hummed in the back of Mike’s throat as he felt the tip of Harvey’s finger slowly rubbing his hole, teasing the fuck out of him, hardly even pressing inside an inch, but he didn’t waste much time. He must have felt that Mike was ready for him. Slippery latex replaced the finger in a matter of seconds and Harvey punched out a deep, rich sigh against his neck as he pushed forward.
“Fuck – fuck!” Mike squeezed his eyes shut tight and dug his trembling fingers harder into the taut muscle of Harvey’s thighs, trying to hold himself still as he accepted the other man’s body into his own, inch by inch. Without any real preparation, Harvey had taken it upon himself to go as slow as he could, pausing the second he noted a hitch in Mike’s breath that he tried to conceal.
“Keep going,” Mike breathed into Harvey’s ear. The pain was barely there beneath the wave of deep satisfaction that began to consume his entire body.
Harvey sank to his elbow and cupped Mike’s face in his hand, wrapping his other hand around one of the thighs at his chest as he leaned into him, pressing deep.
Mike completely lost control of his breath, rough pants and gasps slipping in and out of his lips erratically. He could feel his muscles spasm around Harvey, trying to accommodate his width. Just as his body began to submit to the pressure inside him, breaking him open, Harvey drew out slowly almost all the way, dragging an identical moan out of both of them, before sinking back in.
A sharp cry forced its way from Mike’s lungs as he pressed his forehead to Harvey’s shoulder, feeling fingers rake through his hair and cup the back of his head. Harvey held his head there against his body as he continued to rock back and forth slowly. Eventually his lips began to search for Mike’s, the tip of his tongue teasing his mouth open before sliding inside. Somehow he felt his gentle lips and tongue just as deeply as the rest of him.
Mike had to tell himself to keep breathing, his head spinning and nerves on fire, emotionally and physically scrambling to adjust to what the fuck was happening. Harvey bent him in half, fucking him in the mouth and the ass simultaneously… holding him with so much care while he split him open and devoured him like fruit. His hands never left Mike’s body as he shifted his weight and leaned back on his knees, running both hands along Mike’s thighs and calves to his ankles where he unhooked them from his shoulders and leaned in close again. Mike wrapped his shuddering legs around Harvey’s waist. That’s where he wanted to keep him.
Though he couldn’t take him as deep like this, the joy of holding Harvey’s naked body in his arms without his own legs in the way more than compensated. He anchored one hand in Harvey’s hair and spread the other across his back. Harvey seemed to melt into the embrace, welcoming as much intimacy as they were physically capable of.
Mike was right on the edge of sanity by the time Harvey committed to a slow, steady rhythm. His heart was beating so hard he felt that he might choke on it, and Harvey’s pulse surging beneath his fingertips seem to run just as hot and hard. The shaken gasps and occasional moans pouring from Harvey’s incredible lips were enough to make Mike want to scream, and the rest… it was almost too much to bear. Maybe it was because he’d never been fucked by a man who actually cared about him, or because he’d never done this face-to-face. Just one night earlier he’d had his face slammed against the wall inside the public restroom of a 24-hour bagel shop in Chelsea after getting kicked out of a bar, completely wasted and frankly a little disgusted by the person behind him, trying to make as little contact or noise as possible. Get off and get out – that was the mindset he’d fallen into lately when it came to sex, and it’s what he had expected to happen with Harvey regardless of the feelings they were both painfully aware of. But now he wasn’t sure if it was possible.
That’s the part that really hurt. He meant something to Harvey, and Harvey meant something to him. More than something – everything. Harvey was fucking him deep and slow, savouring every inch of his body, making sure Mike felt everything… but the longer they indulged in this the more it would hurt to have it taken away. This wouldn’t be easy to walk away from. Maybe that’s why Harvey didn’t want to believe that their feelings could be mutual… maybe he would rather just hurt himself than hurt them both when it was over.
“I can’t take it,” Mike sobbed without meaning to, overcome by the same hesitance he’d felt earlier when he made Harvey leave his apartment. His thighs were trembling against Harvey’s ribs and he felt like if he stopped making an effort to contain himself his entire body would literally fall to pieces. The moment the thought crossed his mind, Harvey’s hand clasped down on Mike’s thigh, holding him together.
“You can take it,” Harvey insisted, sliding his hand up Mike’s thigh and between them, gripping his stiff cock. He stroked him slowly, pausing a moment before sinking all the way into his snug body again, watching his face in a lustful curiosity.
Under any other circumstances, Mike might have felt nervous with Harvey watching him so closely but at this point he was totally beyond choice or self-control. He couldn’t put anything on for Harvey now even if he wanted to, but he couldn’t meet that dark gaze either, so he closed his eyes and let everything happen.
“You are goddamn beautiful.”
Mike blinked his wet eyes open and the way that Harvey was looking at him shook his soul. Nobody had ever called him that before. ‘Cute’ came from girls occasionally, ‘pretty’ from guys occasionally, and ‘sexy’ if there was alcohol involved. He clenched his jaw, knowing that he was on the verge of saying something dangerous if he let his tongue loose.
“And your body…” Harvey dropped his head and closed his eyes with a sigh. “And your fucking brain, Mike…” His hot breath puffed against Mike’s skin for a moment before his mouth latched onto his throat, tonguing and sucking at his flesh in a way that nobody had done to him since high school – at least, not sober. Harvey was giving him a fucking hickey.
Mike wanted to push him away and tell him not to, because his shirt collar would be too low to cover it at work. Instead he dug his fingers even harder into the back of his head and brought his other hand to his neck, holding him there, splitting his thighs apart even wider, giving him everything he wanted. He rocked his hips up faster, determined not to develop an addiction to the body on top of him. Maybe for Harvey a long, slow fuck was exactly what he needed to get things out of his system, but for Mike it was almost the opposite. He had spent so long trying to work Harvey out of his heart and the devious part of his brain that this was only bringing him right back to the hopeless beginning. It was like he would have to start working him out all over again. Now there would be mark on his neck to remind him for another week. Mike’s heart flopped as his anxiety began to emerge through the lust and pleasure he was all wrapped up in.
“Hurry,” Mike pleaded in a whisper, running his fingers though Harvey’s hair and down his back. He was certain that this was the last time he’d get to hold him and was torn between committing every detail of his body to memory, and tuning it all out so that he could start forgetting sooner, or at least pretend that it had all been a fantasy. No, it wasn’t safe, and he shouldn’t have tricked himself into thinking that it was. It didn’t matter if he trusted Harvey. This was out of their hands. This was pain and regret in the making. There was no way around it. Harvey was right – it would be easier if Mike wasn’t in love with him. He really, really wished he wasn’t.
Harvey placed an unhurried kiss on his lips while his hips and hand moved to meet the tempo that Mike was setting. “Are you close?”
“I’m in love with you.” The moment he realized that he’d fucked up and broke the one condition that Harvey had set on their deviance was the same moment his unanticipated orgasm hit him like a train. “FUCK!” His eyes squeezed close involuntarily before he could see Harvey’s reaction. “Fuck I’m sorry I didn’t mean it, I’m –“ The electric pleasure shooting through his body trapped his breath in his throat for a moment. “– can’t help – fucking hurts – didn’t mean –“ Harvey was thrusting into him hard, sending another shock of bliss through his marrow every time, trapping his words in his throat and god, he didn’t want to leave this behind. He wanted to hold Harvey closer still but his body was no longer under his own control. “I tried not to… I tried…” That was the last thing he could utter before everything went hazy and he was reduced to a trembling pile of flesh and bone. He felt Harvey twitching inside him, his own muscles still faintly spasming around the base of Harvey’s cock, and heard him groan in total abandon, the sound of that rich, unmistakable voice turning his heart inside out while lending him a twisted sense of pride. With his last ounce of strength, Mike opened his tear-blurred eyes and took a picture of Harvey in the moment of his climax: jaw unhinged, chin tipped up, every muscle in his face totally relaxed with the exception of his slightly furrowed brow. Mike had never described another man as beautiful either, but Harvey was undeniably it in that moment.
Harvey dropped his head and breathed deeply for only few seconds before pushing off of Mike, out of his grasp. His lifeless arms fell to his sides and this thighs shook momentarily when Harvey quickly withdrew, but soon he lost the strength to tremble and just lay there, breathing and blinking lazily because that was all he could do. Mike could still feel Harvey’s imprint deep inside him. It ached, but not as badly as it ached before he was there. And Mike asked himself: Are you happy now? You got what you wanted. How does it feel?
Mike didn’t know what he was feeling. He wasn’t really feeling anything. He’d given Harvey everything he had and now there was nothing left of him.
He closed his eyes and listened to Harvey leave the room, a mysterious calmness settling in. He heard water running for a minute, and then it stopped and Harvey returned to the bedroom. Mike didn’t open his eyes until the mattress sank down near his feet and Harvey mounted his legs with a towel in hand. He glanced up at Mike only briefly before mopping up the pool of come on his belly. He bunched up the towel, dropped it off the bed and sat there on his thighs with his hands wrapped around Mike’s hip bones. He wasn’t letting him leave but wasn’t asking him to stay.
“We don’t talk about this,” Harvey finally explained, although he hardly needed to. He sounded completely drained despite his conviction.
“I don’t want to take this to work any more than you do.” Mike decided to sit up but it didn’t happen. His body was finally telling him that he couldn’t go much longer without rest. “That’s why I dropped it.” So why did you pick it back up again, Harvey?
Harvey nodded slowly, seeming satisfied, and crawled off of Mike’s legs. He pulled back the covers and settled into bed, rolling onto his side facing away from Mike with a deep sigh.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Mike resigned numbly, wanting nothing more but to pass out under the covers next to Harvey, but even in his fantasies that didn’t happen. Instead, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and planted his feet back on the ground with a yawn, trying to remember where his clothes went.
“Don’t do that.” Harvey glanced back over his shoulder skeptically, then turned away again and settled deeper into the pillow. “If you go home now you won’t sleep more than an hour and I need you on the ball. Sleep in bed or sleep on the couch. I don’t care. Have an extra suit at work?”
“I do now.” He’s learned to keep one after the bedbug incident, or the you-walked-in-there-naked incident as he privately referred to it in his mind, though he never expected that this would be a reason to need the extra suit.
Apparently that was the end of the conversation. Despite an uncomfortable morning ahead, Mike slid underneath the covers and fell asleep on his back to the sound of Harvey’s deep, sated breathing.
= = =
Mike wasn’t sure what woke him. His body was still heavy, warm and relaxed. Maybe the bed was too soft. Mike had always been comfortable with his skinny mattress and lack of box spring, despite recurring complaints from girlfriends who were probably just looking for a back rub.
Mike rolled onto his side and tucked his knees up, accidentally nudging the back of Harvey’s naked thighs in doing so. He froze for a moment, not wanting to wake him, but the man didn’t budge. His breathing was deep and smooth as Mike’s eyes traced his silhouette from his hair, down the curve of his neck and shoulder to where his body disappeared under the blanket. The early morning light cast a dim grey-blue blanket over the room. In that light, his mind silently recorded every detail he could capture. He was helplessly drawn in to the gravity of that body. His heart was clawing at the inside of his ribs as if it were trying to leap from his chest into Harvey’s. Carefully, Mike inched closer and slid a hand gently across his waist…
Harvey’s breath hitched and his shoulders tensed momentarily. Mike’s impulse was to draw his hand away when he woke, but Harvey caught it under the covers and lazily pulled his arm around, bringing Mike’s chest up to his back.
Mike closed his eyes and exhaled deeply against Harvey’s hair, settling his knee between Harvey’s thighs. He felt the man yawn and tightened his grip around his torso, nudging the tender skin behind his ear with his nose, wanting to bury himself in the warmth and comfort of the welcomed embrace. It was that comfort he sometimes experienced in the miraculous split second after sleeping through his alarm, the moment before he realized he’d missed an appointment. It was the feeling of being almost too comfortable for things to be okay. This was surely the calm before the storm, so he let himself enjoy it while it lasted.
Harvey pressed back against him, drawing his knee up a little higher and pulling Mike’s arm around even tighter. There was something almost aggressive in the half-sleeping man’s need to be held – something that completely lacked any form of submission. Mike was holding Harvey, but Harvey was drawing him in. Even laying there with his eyes closed facing away from Mike, Harvey was still leading his body exactly where he wanted it, shifting his hips in such a way that Mike’s just had to follow. The crisp sheets rustled quietly, no louder than the sound of their soft breathing. Soon they were rocking there so slowly and absently in a half-asleep daze that Mike wasn’t even sure when the friction against Harvey’s bare ass began to affect him. He drew his leg back out from between Harvey’s thighs and tipped his hips away a little, discretely making an effort to conceal his faint erection, but Harvey reached back and clamped a hand down on his hip, bringing him back in.
The rest was like a dream, and Mike wasn’t convinced at first that he was awake. With his arm hooked under Harvey’s, grasping his strong shoulder, they continued to move together wordlessly in a fluid rhythm with slow easy breaths. Mike’s cock was hardening slowly, trapped between the cleft of Harvey’s ass and his own abdomen, though he had no thought of climax. He closed his eyes and breathed the scent of Harvey’s hair, moving his hand from Harvey’s shoulder down his chest and abdomen where he explored the subtle flex of his muscles as he moved against him. His hand traveled lower still and grasped a remarkably firm, leaking cock that twitched at the brush of his fingertips. He wrapped his fingers around him and felt Harvey exhale deeply, turning his face into the pillow. Mike bit his lip, letting his eyes fall closed again as he continued to rub up and down the cleft of Harvey’s ass, swirling his fingers around the tip of Harvey’s slippery cock, doing nothing more than idly experiencing his body.
The body in his arms stretched and shifted for a moment but never pulled away. Mike touched his lips to the back of Harvey’s shoulder, feeling it flex before he sank back against Mike again. A hand joined his, closing Mike’s fingers more tightly around his cock for a minute before his fingers were coaxed away gently. It took him a moment to realize that the thing being pressed into his palm instead was another condom.
Mike couldn’t deny that he was a little surprised by his own stamina as well as Harvey’s, but he wasn’t going to think about the past… or about the future. He tore the packet open with his teeth and reached around again when Harvey didn’t make himself more accessible but a hand on his arm stopped him.
“You.” Harvey didn’t need to say any more than that.
Mike swallowed hard and pulled his arm back around. He hadn’t really imagined Harvey this way before, but his cock pulsed hard at the demand and he wondered why this hadn’t been the stuff of his fantasies since the beginning. He slid the lubricated condom down his shaft and positioned himself against Harvey again. He might have been nervous if he was fully awake and alert, but he was exhausted in every capacity. Their bodies knew what to do and his brain had no place in it.
Mike took the time to work Harvey open with his fingers, coated with his saliva and the lube from the condom. He was tight but receptive and he didn’t moan until the third finger pressed through. Soon he returned his hand to Harvey’s cock, stroking him firmly but slowly as he rubbed up and down his crease. The prospect of fucking Harvey Specter made him feel so alive and excited, yet the situation itself was so surreal and unplanned that he was calm and subdued by the half-reality.
When the tip of his cock finally found Harvey’s entrance he choked out a throaty sob into the man’s neck as he slid inside him. Harvey only sighed and twisted his fingers in the bed sheet. For at least a minute Mike lay still with his eyes squeezed shut against Harvey’s neck, and when they began to move together again it was just like it had been when they woke up minutes earlier: quiet, comfortable and unhurried. He felt every inch of Harvey clamped around him, stroking the man in time, noting that his breaths were becoming slightly shaken. After what felt like a few minutes, soft moans began to carelessly slip from his lips, echoed by Mike in turn.
A tremor ran through Mike from head to toe and the idea of an orgasm hadn’t even crossed his mind until Harvey was suddenly coming in his hand, rasping out breathy moans through a tight throat, his muscles clenching around Mike’s cock. He pushed into him again with three more agonizingly slow thrusts before he came so hard he saw white light behind his eyelids. He curled his body against Harvey’s as he sank into dream-like ecstasy, his pulse pounding at his eardrums so loud he thought he heard music.
Soon the sleepy, comfortable fog lifted and the calm before the storm made its swift and inevitable transition. Mike did hear music. It was Harvey’s alarm clock and sounded a lot like Jazz FM. He blinked his eyes open and saw that the room was filled with diffused sunlight. Either he’d fallen asleep buried inside Harvey, or it had actually been a dream. When his brain snapped back into tune with his body, he felt the still-wet fluid on the hand between Harvey’s legs and realized that they must have been fucking a lot longer than he’d realized. With his face buried against the other man’s body, he’d been blind to the daylight.
Harvey rolled away onto his stomach and Mike’s hips jerked slightly as he withdrew. He remained there on his side, trying not to get his messy hand all over Harvey’s sheets. Harvey lay motionless on his stomach a moment before he propped himself up on his elbows and glanced down at Mike. He had that look in his eyes like there was something he wanted to say, but his lips were clamped around the words. He knew that expression well by now. It was the how-much-is-this-going-to-cost-me look. Finally he shook his head, got up, and went to the bathroom.
Mike made a point not to watch Harvey’s naked body as he walked away. That was it. No more. Time to go back to work and start pretending all over again.