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It was finally over. The divorce had been finalized.
Stolas was free.
He had gone over this moment in his mind so many times but he never imagined it would ever actually arrive. He’d long ago resigned himself to forever being unhappy, convinced he just wasn’t meant to enjoy his life. Now that it was here, he’d expected to be ecstatic, to be relieved, to feel like he could do anything.
Yet, somehow, he felt even emptier than before.
By all accounts, the divorce had actually gone over better than he ever could have hoped for. He’d gone in expecting the worst – the divorce would be denied, or he’d be stripped of his title, or he’d lose Octavia, or some combination of all those things, but somehow he’d evaded all of the worst outcomes he’d been fearing.
His Father as well as many of the other Goetia at the trial expressed their disdain for him, which was expected. Stella put on a good show with a lot of tears while many in the courtroom pitied her, which was also, unfortunately, expected. However, by the end of it, the divorce was granted. His Father claimed he didn’t want to put Stella through any more hardship. When it came to Octavia, he’d allowed the owlette to decide who she’d like to stay with as she was so close to turning 18.
He couldn’t believe his luck, and was sure that Paimon had only been so nice up until this point because he planned to save something terrible for last. But, shockingly, he hadn’t stripped him of his title or taken away his possessions, and he hadn’t taken his magic from him. He did have most of his royal duties stripped from him as a form of “punishment”, but he was still required to deal with anything in relation to the Earth stars. His Father’s reasoning had been that although he felt his son was clearly “not well”, there was no one who was capable of doing what he did as skillfully. Paimon promised it would be revisited again soon, though Stolas had the feeling it would instead be swept under the rug and forgotten.
He was free.
He should be happy.
So why wasn’t he?
He swore that he was incapable of feeling true happiness. He wasn’t sure he’d ever in his life known what it was really like. He’d thought he was happy at times, but the things that made him content would slowly stop having any effect on him, and he’d go back to feeling sad again, or even worse, feeling nothing at all.
Stolas found himself, yet again, drinking himself into a stupor. He knew he needed to stop, but when he was just the right amount of drunk, he really thought he felt happy. Sure, it was fleeting, but in those moments it was almost there. It was when the buzz began to wear off, when the room stopped spinning, when the headache began to set in, that he was reminded that there was something wrong with him.
Right now, he found himself lazing about on the floor of his plant-filled hallway. Octavia was with her mother for the weekend, or maybe it was the entire week, he couldn’t remember… in any case, he didn’t have anyone to talk to so he resorted to talking to his plants. Unfortunately, it seemed that the alcohol wasn’t working the way he’d hoped tonight.
“I’m s…so fuhhh…” he groaned, rolling over to face the carnivorous plant nearest him. It eyed him with interest. “So fuhhck…ing… saaaad. I’m… n..no, ‘m mad.”
He sat up and pulled his phone out of his pocket, swiping open to his text messages and scrolling through them. Tears filled his eyes the further he scrolled.
Most people had friends they could talk to when things got difficult. Stolas didn’t have any friends. Many times he found himself scrolling through his contacts in hopes there’d be some friend of his he’d forgotten about, someone he could talk to to talk about his feelings, or share a funny story with, or ask to hang out, but every time he’d come to the same realization.
Nobody really liked him that much.
Verosika had given him her number, but they weren’t friends. Ozzie had said he could call or text any time, but he didn’t actually mean that. He had seen both of them with their actual friends, and it was different than how they were with Stolas. When they were around their real friends they were so full of life, so animated, so happy… and when they were with Stolas, they were much more reserved, and he got the feeling they were always looking for some excuse to get away from him. At this point, he was in his 30s, and he had to come to terms with the fact he wasn’t the type of person that could have close friends if he hadn’t made any by now.
Sometimes, when Stolas was at these low points, a terrible thought went through his mind.
Stella was right about you.
But he knew that wasn’t true. …Didn’t he?
Stella had friends. She had a lot of friends. She had a neverending list of people she could call to complain to at any time of day. He’d seen pictures on Sinstagram of a party she threw the day after the divorce was finalized and it was packed.
But Stella was a terrible person. She was hellbent on making his life miserable simply because she could. He knew a lot of the insults thrown at him were designed to upset him and not because they were actually true.
Right?
He sighed, clicking his phone screen on and off idly. Why hadn’t he considered that he’d somehow become even more lonely after the divorce had gone through? And why did that make him feel so fucking pathetic?
She was right, you really are a pathetic man.
Suddenly, he felt the anger rising. He was fucking pissed off, mostly at himself, always feeling too scared to leave his comfort zone. It shouldn’t be that hard to just send a text message or make a call. If he reached out to Verosika or Ozzie and they weren’t receptive, then oh well, fuck it, life goes on. It couldn’t be any worse than what he was doing now.
He fumbled to turn the screen back on, still in a drunken haze, and startled when he heard a voice on the other end.
“Helllllloooo? You there?”
Stolas blinked down at the phone, confused. Had he called someone? He thought he was texting. Slowly, he brought the phone up to his ear.
“....What?” He croaked into the phone as he watched the walls around him twist and spin.
“....Are you drunk?” The voice replied after some hesitation.
“N….no.” Stolas tried his best to sound sober, and he was sure that he was doing a great job. “Who is you? Or… who… are you…” he snorted, falling back against the cold floor.
“It’s Blitzø, birdbrain.”
Oh, shit. He hadn’t spoken to the imp since the party almost three months ago. The party he barely remembered, save for what Verosika had told him. He knew he ended up making out with some guy, Blitzø saw, and he left. Stolas was so embarrassed afterwards and wanted to reach out to the imp the very next day, but that felt even more embarrassing.
And, well, then a few days turned into a week, turned into a month, then three, and here we were. Blitzø hadn’t tried to contact him and he hadn’t tried to contact Blitzø.
“I’m going to hang up now…” Blitzø’s voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he felt something in him shift.
“Wait! Don’t… can you lissssen to me…?” He hissed.
There was a pause that went long enough Stolas had to check to be sure he hadn’t been hung up on.
“What’s up, Stols?”
Stolas sighed. His world was spinning around him and he wasn’t even sure if any of this was real right now. So, if it might not even be real, what harm could there be in saying whatever he wanted?
“I miss you.” He waited for a response, but there wasn’t one. He made an involuntary noise as his stomach lurched and then sputtered out a cough. Still nothing on the other end. Maybe Blitzø had hung up? He may as well keep talking, then. “I wanna see you, I… urgh.”
He felt sick. He slowly pushed himself up off the floor, stumbling once and nearly knocking one of his plants over. “Fuck–hold, hold on, Blitzyyyyy.”
Blitzø had hung up by now, clearly. But Stolas wanted to pretend the imp was still listening. He stumbled down the hall, giggling to himself every time he bumped into something.
“Blitzyyyy, miss youuuu~” He practically fell against the door to his bedroom, fumbling with his one hand to open it. He always forgot about his magic when he was drunk. “Ss…sooorrryyy.. I mean… Blitzø…” Finally managing to pry the door open, he made his way to the bathroom, sinking to the floor not very gracefully. He leaned his head against the wall, his stomach feeling like a whirlpool of acid at the moment.
“I’m so sick righhh now,” he slurred, blinking slowly. “I’m sorry I din’t call you…” he wretched, eyes watering. “I din .. wanna feel like…” he wretched again. “Fuckin’.... Loser… so….” he wretched one final time before he sat up and projectile vomited. Some of it made it into the toilet, the rest, unfortunately, did not. Oh well, that was a problem for future Stolas.
He sighed, sitting back against the wall, feeling a tiny bit better. “Anyway, I misssss you Blitzy, I hope you have a niiiice life, you deserve… uhhhnn…” he felt his eyelids droop as his words trailed off. Fuck, he was tired now. He held his phone in his lap, starting to drift off to sleep when a voice jolted him out of it.
“Stols, you sound really fucked up right now.”
He stared blankly at the phone. He was still on the call with Blitzø.
“Drink some water and get yourself to bed, birdie.”
He nodded stupidly at the phone before realizing the imp obviously couldn’t see that. He managed a quiet “Ok.” In response.
“Kay. Good. Seriously, though. Water. Bed. Got it?”
“Uhhh….hmmm” He mumbled in response as he worked to get himself off the floor. He heard the imp say something else but his brain didn’t register it as he ended the call.
Water. Bed.
Whatever Blitzy wants.
—
Stolas had woken up the next day with a monster hangover. It took him a long time to fully wake up, and when he did he was surprised to see a glass of water sitting on the nightstand. Back when he still had palace staff that was something he’d have expected to show up overnight. He puzzled over it for a while, and it wasn’t until he made his way to the bathroom and saw the dried vomit all over the toilet and wall behind it that the memories started to filter back to him.
He had called Blitzø last night and said how much he missed him, and then threw up all over the bathroom, and gotten himself a glass of water because the imp told him to and went to bed.
Panicking, he opened his call log on his phone, hoping that he was remembering wrong. But, no. There it was. A phone call between him and Blitzø that lasted… 23 minutes? Why had Blitzø let him ramble on at him for so long?
Because you’re a fucking embarrassment. A train wreck that you want to look away from but you just can’t.
Oh, right.
Sometimes, Stolas really despised the fact that he was immortal, because it was almost impossible to kill himself. If he could kill himself right now, he definitely would.
He’d spent the first few hours after this discovery under the covers of his bed, trying to tell himself it wasn’t so bad. Blitzø knew he was drunk, he might think Stolas is an idiot, but he knew he was drunk. He wouldn’t have taken it seriously. Even if he did, what did it matter? He wasn’t talking to him anyway, so it’s not like anything would change. It’s just that now Blitzø would still not be talking to him and think he was a bigger idiot than he had before.
He eventually forced himself out of bed and went on with his day, doing his best to pretend nothing had happened. He cleaned his bathroom, ate some shitty cereal with no milk because he didn’t have any, watched an episode of Hell-a-Novella, took a nap on the couch, and then another nap on a different couch, and then laid in his bed waiting for it to be late enough for him to go to sleep.
At around 9 pm he had finally fallen asleep, only to be woken up to the sound of his balcony door swinging open shortly after.
He bolted upright, feathers a mess, breath hitching in his chest. His eyes glowed bright, ready to defend himself, when a familiar voice caught him off guard.
“Fuckin’ christ, Stolas! It’s ME!”
Blitzø was crouched against the balcony door facing away from him, hands over his head. Stolas cocked his head to the side in disbelief.
“Blitzø??”
The imp slowly turned around to face him, eyes wide. When he saw that the owl was no longer trying to turn him to stone, he stood up straight and grinned at him, though he still seemed a little shaken.
“I uh… I tried to call you, but your phone’s dead.” He moved quietly across the room, pulling a tote bag off his shoulder as he did so.
Stolas blinked and looked down at his phone. It had died several hours ago and he hadn’t bothered to charge it.
“You.. feeling okay? You sounded really fucked up last night.” He hopped up onto the bed beside him and rummaged through his bag, pulling out some crackers and some kind of sports drink. “Electrolytes or whatever, I dunno, Loona said…” he mumbled as he handed the drink over to the bird. He pulled a bottle of painkillers out of the bag next, twisting it open and dropping two tablets into his palm. “Want these?”
Stolas stared at him, feeling dazed. He nodded slowly and took the pills from him, cracking open the drink and swallowing the pills with it. “What are you… why are you… here?”
Blitzø locked eyes with him, his gaze intense. Stolas wanted to look away but he couldn’t make himself. “Did you mean it? What you said.”
He was ready to lie and say he hadn’t, but he felt his head slowly moving up and down in a nod.
The imp’s expression lightened and a grin spread across his face. “Well, I’m here because I missed you too, I guess.”
Stolas felt like he couldn’t breathe for a few seconds. The look on the imp’s face was almost one of… fondness? But, there was no way…
“You kinda look like shit, Stols.” Blitzø said suddenly, tail flicking back and forth mischievously.
Stolas narrowed his eyes and flicked him on the side of the head. “And now I’m done missing you, Blitzø.” He drawled sarcastically, rolling over to face the wall.
Blitzø laughed while ruffling his head feathers with a clawed hand. “Whatever, bitch, you know you fucking missed me, you said it yourself.” Stolas winced, embarrassment creeping over him again. He tried to curl himself into a ball, but suddenly Blitzø was practically crawling on top of him and he squawked in surprise. “And THEN, your fuckin’ bitch ass tried to get rid of me, AGAIN!” Blitzø cleared his throat, and did one of his only kind of accurate impersonations of the owl’s accent. “Alright, I’m just going to sit here in my own puke and go to sleep now, goodbye forever Blitzy, hope you have a nice life!”
Stolas struggled as the imp continued to crawl over him until his body weight was pressing down against him. It felt kind of nice, and was only made better when he felt the imp’s arms wrapping around him in a hug. Despite the comfort, Stolas felt like shit.
Tears sprang to his eyes and he sniffled wetly. “I… I didn’t… I didn’t even know you were still listening…”
Blitzø pressed his cheek against the owl’s shoulder, his grip remaining firm. “I was. Just didn’t really know what to say.” He huffed out a breath, letting go of him and flopping down on the bed in front of him. Stolas looked at him with teary eyes.
Stolas didn’t really know what to say, either.
Blitzø missed him too.
He should be happy.
So why wasn’t he?
He was terrified. He wasn’t ready. He was a sloppy mess of a demon with absolutely nothing to offer the imp. Just a sad sack with feathers, and Blitzø was going to learn what everyone else already knew about him – he just wasn’t worth the time.
Eventually, Stolas had stopped crying long enough for the two of them to actually talk. Blitzø hadn’t contacted Stolas because he wasn’t sure if the owl had moved on with that incubus or some other demon and he didn’t want to interfere, but he told him that he’d missed him every day. Stolas explained his reasoning as well, though he couldn’t ignore how much more selfish his excuse was.
But then, Stolas had always been selfish. Yet another thing Stella had been right about, it seemed.
Blitzø didn’t seem to think his excuse was selfish, somehow. He acted like Stolas being so determined to not come off desperate was perfectly normal and even laughed about it, and not in a mean way.
I’ve tricked him.
The thought appeared from nowhere, and with it came a sensation he hadn’t felt in a long, long time.
Just a tiny, tiny little twinge of happiness. It was definitely there, if only for a few moments before fizzling out.
Then came the guilt.
He shouldn’t feel fucking happy that he tricked Blitzø into thinking he was a decent person. It wasn’t a good thing to fool someone you care about into thinking you’re worthy of their time. But maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to let Blitzø think, for just a little longer, that Stolas was good enough.
—
Stella had hurled insults at him near constantly from the moment they were betrothed. They hurt, of course, but sometimes it was the comments she had made in earnest that hit him the hardest. The times when she wasn’t actively searching for the most hurtful things she could throw at him but instead speaking plainly about him.
Stolas had tried to share his interests with her, mostly in the beginning. His butler had told him that a good way to form a healthy relationship with someone was to find a hobby you could enjoy together, so that was what he tried to do. She wasn’t interested in any of the things he’d try to talk to her about, unfortunately.
She found the Earth stars “tedious”, plants were a “waste of time”, theater was “tacky”, unless it was a show her friends were raving about and then suddenly she was a fan. It would be one thing if she’d simply said she didn’t like those things, but it was the eye rolls he received any time he went off to indulge in one of his hobbies, the stifled laughter any time he got too excited and started bouncing, the little comments she made when he’d talked too much about something she didn’t want to hear about.
Sometimes, she would act like she was interested, only to get him on a roll and then become irritated when he wouldn’t stop. He’d never forgotten the day she caught him watching Hell-a-Novella and actually sat to watch with him, which surprised him. She asked a question about the plot of the episode, and he couldn’t help himself from feeling excited to explain. She’d never cared about anything he did and he’d practically given up hope on finding anything they could do together, but maybe this could be their thing.
Maybe he had said too much, or maybe he’d done a bad job explaining it, or maybe it was just the way that he made everyone around him unhappy when he was in their presence.
“God, you’re fucking obsessed with this shit.”
The comment hurt a lot more than it should, because it was the way she said it. It hadn’t been said with the express purpose of upsetting him, it was just an honest statement.
That’s what everyone must think whenever you open your stupid mouth.
He tried his best not to get too excited over things after that. He knew Stella was a bitch, and he shouldn’t really believe what she’d said, but she was right in this case. He got too obsessed with things and nobody wanted to hear him go on and on about the things that he liked. Even thinking back to the day he’d spent with Blitzø when they were kids, the imp had called him boring as he went on about his books.
Maybe this was why he was having such a hard time relaxing around Blitzø now. The two had been spending time together for the past two weeks, and it had certainly been nice. He’d been having more fun than he had in as long as he’d remembered and he was smiling a lot more often too. However, he couldn’t help that foreboding feeling that roiled inside him, reminding him that everything would come crashing down soon enough.
They were going on dates, they were texting each other every day, he even got to spend some time with Blitzø’s daughter and friends.
He should be happy.
So why wasn’t he?
It seemed like no matter how hard he tried to tailor everything he said to fit perfectly into the conversation at hand, he was always going to come off as awkward. He was positive that Blitzø must apologize for Stolas to his friends and family all the time.
Sorry Stolas talked so much about broadway, he doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up.
He was exhausted from trying so hard to say the right thing all the time, and it didn’t seem to matter much anyway. That must have been why tonight he let his mask slip a bit and he found himself fidgeting excitedly at dinner.
“What are you acting all weird about, Stols?”
Stolas froze, realizing what he’d been doing. He shook his head quickly, instead focusing on the pasta in front of him.
“Oh, n…nothing. Just that this food looks really good,” he hoped he sounded convincing, but the imp clearly wasn’t buying it.
“Kay, first of all, it’s really obvious when you’re lying, Stolas,” Blitzø said with a smirk, shoving a forkful of pasta into his mouth. “So that means you’re lying about the food looking good, which, if that’s the case, go fuck yourself. Orrrrr, you’re excited about something else and you don’t wanna tell me.” He curled his tail back and forth, grin widening. “So which is it?”
Stolas started bouncing one leg up and down nervously. He wanted to think of another lie, a better lie, but Blitzø would be able to tell. He sighed, lowering his gaze to his hands as he twiddled his thumbs. “Oh, it’s silly… there’s just the season finale of a show I like and I’m excited to see what happens.”
Blitzø looked back down at his pasta, saying nothing. He took another big bite and chewed thoughtfully before swallowing. “Can I watch it with you?” He startled when he saw the absolutely shocked look on the owl’s face. He quickly corrected himself. “I–I mean if it’s a thing you wanna watch alone that’s fine, too!”
“No!” Stolas practically shouted. “Y…you can watch it with me! It’s just… you might not really know what’s going on.”
Blitzø picked at the last of his meal, moving it around on the plate. “Well, when does the episode start?”
Stolas blinked. “In an hour.”
The imp nodded, shoving the rest of his food into his mouth and smiled. “Then I guess you better start giving me the rundown, huh?”
They both sat in silence as they watched the end of the episode together. During a particularly dramatic scene Stolas gasped involuntarily, and didn’t even realize he’d latched onto the imp’s hand. Blitzø didn’t seem to mind, though, because he didn’t pull away.
As the episode ended on a dramatic cliffhanger in which a hypnotized Alejandro drove over a cliff, Stolas’ head swam with thoughts. All he wanted to do was talk about what he’d just seen, then he wanted to go on all his regular message boards to read everyone else’s thoughts, and then he wanted to look up all the fanart people were making, and then rewatch the episode when it was available online.
He did none of those things, however, because he was with Blitzø.
Act casual. Act normal. He’s going to think you’re an idiot if you do too much.
“Well, that was a good episode,” he said in a way that he hoped seemed not too overly enthused.
Blitzø jerked his head to the side and stared up at him with an incredulous look. “Good? Stolas, that episode was fucking insane!” The imp threw his hands up in the air, kicking his feet out as he spoke. “I never knew this show had so much fucking action in it! There were four fucking fight scenes, someone got fucking electrocuted?? Some lady tried to poison her husband but I’m pretty sure she poisoned herself? And that fucking ending?” He continued to flail around, voice getting louder. “Christ on a stick, I thought this show was just softcore porn or something, now I see why you like it so fucking much.”
There was that feeling again. He was happy, just a little, little bit.
I tricked him, again!
He shouldn’t feel happy about it, but he let himself relish the moment. He’d held his tongue and didn’t unleash all of the thoughts in his mind. That was the only reason Blitzø enjoyed spending time with him, because he hadn’t been himself, and maybe it was okay to hide parts of himself away from the imp for just a little longer. He’d slip up eventually, he was sure, and Blitzø would grow tired of him like everyone else was, but for now he could pretend that the imp really liked him.
Hours later the two sat in bed, Blitzø drawing in his sketchbook and Stolas reading one of his novels. The owl yawned, setting his book down on the table near him and turning towards the imp who was very focused on his drawing. He leaned in close to get a better look, and Blitzø grinned at him and held up his sketchbook.
The page was full of his horse drawings, but right in the middle was a horse driving a car off a cliff and screaming. Stolas pointed at it and Blitzø nodded enthusiastically. “I drew Alejandro’s horsesona, but he’s actually secretly a Pegasus and he's gonna escape falling to his death by growing wings and flying away. He just doesn’t know yet.”
Stolas couldn’t help but let out a loud hooting laugh.
Then, the feeling came back. He felt happy.
This time, it lasted the rest of the night.
—
The more time he spent with Blitzø, the closer he seemed to be getting to feeling better. Some days he swore he felt happy almost the entire day, but still at night the thoughts would creep back in and he would plummet, and in the mornings he’d wake in a pit of self doubt.
If after all this time of getting exactly what he wanted he was still like this, then something truly must have been wrong with him. He had accepted it, though, and told himself that it was okay. Some people were just not meant to be happy.
Just when he was starting to feel comfortable for the first time in as long as he could remember, a news article went viral about him and Blitzø. The two had just been out getting coffee, but they made headlines and it had been shared and talked about all over Sinstagram.
A lot of the comments were hurtful. He knew he shouldn’t read them, but he kept scrolling until he found the ones that mirrored the fears he had about himself.
Selfish. Arrogant. Asshole. Embarrassing. Unloveable.
He knew all of these things were true, and somehow he had managed to fool Blitzø all these weeks into not noticing his major flaws. Blitzø was sure to read the comments and come to realize how wrong he’d been about the owl this whole time. Stolas stressed about when that moment would come and decided it might be better for him to bring it up himself.
When Stolas brought the article up to Blitzø later that night as they watched a rerun of Hell-a-Novella, the imp waved a hand dismissively.
“Who gives a shit, Stols? The only people that even care about what you and me are doing are the shitty pompous assholes we both hate.”
This was true, he supposed. But just because they were shitty pompous assholes didn’t mean their feelings about him were incorrect.
“It’s just… the things people are saying…” Blitzø’s tail flicked back and forth in irritation. Stolas clamped his beak shut.
“Who. Cares?” Blitzø wasn’t looking at him now, glaring at the tv screen. “Do you care what people are saying? What, do you wanna take it all back so you can go back to hanging out with them at your ex-wife’s shitty parties?” There was some venom in his words now. “Sick of being around me?”
Stolas shook his head, oblivious to undertones in Blitzø’s words. “Oh, no. I don’t miss those people, or those parties. I’d much rather be doing this with you.” He smiled over at the imp who rolled his eyes, seeming unconvinced. Only then did Stolas notice that Blitzø seemed a little hurt as well.
“I’m sure you must miss it a little bit, otherwise you wouldn’t have brought it up.”
He shook his head again, turning to face the imp. “I really don’t.” He took a deep breath. “When I was around those people… well, really, most people… I never felt like myself. Not like when I get to spend time with you.” He smiled down at Blitzø, wanting to find the right way to explain what he meant. He pondered for a moment, then found the right words to continue. “It feels like I’m a shell of myself. I usually just zone out and it doesn’t even feel like I’m really there. But when I get to spend time with you, I feel a lot more present. I much prefer it.”
Blitzø blinked up at him with an unreadable expression. “How long have you felt like that around other people, Stols?”
Stolas thought about it seriously for a moment before shrugging. “Well, I guess… most of my life?”
A frown spread across the imp’s face. “That’s.. Really fucking sad. I’m sorry.” He scooted over to the owl and pulled him into a hug.
The hug was nice, and the closeness was nice, but Stolas felt panicked. He hadn’t meant it to be sad, and as the words had come out of him he thought he was just being honest, and now he wondered if he had only said them for attention. Was he being manipulative?
You keep tricking him into giving a fuck about you.
He considered saying more. He could take it back, he could say that the words hadn’t come out right, that when he said most people he didn’t actually mean most people…
In any case, he dropped it. As Blitzø leaned into him sleepily, he felt his chest tighten. Staring down at the imp, he knew he had let himself get in far too deep. Before he’d made that drunken phone call he’d never thought it was possible for his feelings for the imp to grow even stronger, but they had. By a lot . Before, the thought of Blitzø never speaking to him again was painful to think about, but now the thought of losing him made him feel like he would actually die.
He knew he needed to fix this somehow before it all backfired on him. He’d ended their previous arrangement because he knew it was unfair to the imp. Whatever was happening between them right now was unfair too.
Blitzø wasn’t getting anything out of this except for a fake version of Stolas that didn’t exist, and Stolas was the only one getting any real benefit out of the relationship, or whatever this was.
He could fix this, he knew he could. He would, soon.
—
It was a full moon tonight, and Blitzø had suggested they order a bunch of carry out and make a blanket fort and watch movies. Stolas had tried to help in constructing the forts, but was, predictably, useless. Blitzø had eventually told the owl to just watch so he could learn for next time, and he had fun watching the imp scurry around the room stacking pillows and chairs and tucking blankets until he had made a blanket fort that was big enough to fit both of them comfortably.
They both lay there on their bellies amongst the pillows, Chinese takeout scattered in front of them. They were watching a movie called The Last Unicorn and although Stolas “chose” it because he knew Blitzø would like it, he was rather enjoying it himself. The movie was about a unicorn who overheard some humans saying she was the last one left, and she set out to find the others. They were getting closer to the end of the movie now, and Stolas had found the main antagonist, King Haggard, very interesting.
King Haggard was a wicked old king who complained that nothing made him happy. He tried many things, even adopting a son, but in the end nothing truly stuck and he would end up unhappy again. Then one day he saw a unicorn and it filled him with joy, and so he captured them all and kept them prisoner in the sea so he could watch them whenever he wanted to feel happiness.
Blitzø had been chuckling during the movie and comparing Stolas to the unicorn the entire time. The way she talked “all fancy”, she was immortal, she was a bit vain, but also she was willing to fight. Those were a few of the reasons the imp gave, and it admittedly did make the owl feel a little warm and fuzzy.
However, Stolas knew he wasn’t the unicorn. If anything, Blitzø was the unicorn. Stolas was King Haggard. Stolas was incapable of feeling happiness. He was a lonely prince that nobody actually liked. Hadn’t he also, essentially, kept Blitzø a prisoner for so long because he selfishly wanted to feel something other than the constant misery in his life? Sure, he had tried to make it right in the end by offering him the crystal, and perhaps that counted for something, but it didn’t feel like enough for Stolas.
As the movie ended in a beautiful yet bittersweet way, the owl wiped a few tears from his eyes and he could have sworn he heard a little sniffle coming from the imp. When he looked down, however, Blitzø was snuggling into his side. He nuzzled his beak against his horns and felt a warmth building up inside of him.
“It’s your turn to pick, darling,” he cooed quietly.
“Mmmhmmfff…” came the muffled reply as Blitzø made no effort to detach himself from Stolas’ side.
Moments like this made Stolas feel like it could almost be possible for this to be normal. In the back of his mind he knew that this couldn’t last, but he liked to let himself pretend every once in a while, and right now, he wanted to pretend. So, for now, he pressed his cheek against the imp’s horns and shut his eyes, leaning into him.
For a long moment the two of them stayed like that, comfortably pressed against each other, enjoying each other’s warmth. It was Blitzø that finally broke the silence between them, his voice soft.
“I really like spending time with you, Stols.”
Stolas felt something inside of him twisting uncomfortably.
“I… do too.” He answered honestly, though his insides were screaming at him not to.
There was another long pause and Blitzø pressed himself even further into the owl, practically burying his face in his feathers. Once again, the imp broke the silence between them.
“I really like you, Stols.”
Stolas felt his heart stop for what felt like a very long time. He was sure his entire body must have gone rigid, and he could only hope that Blitzø wouldn’t notice. Everything inside of him felt like it was now twisting, spinning, and spiraling down into the pit of his stomach.
He had fucked this up so badly. He waited too long, and now…
His mind was racing and no matter how quickly he breathed he didn’t feel like he could get enough air in. Belatedly, he realized the imp had been talking and he hadn’t heard any of the words.
“--a-and Millie keeps calling you my boyfriend, and it’s kinda fucking annoying because you aren’t, b-but then I was thinking maybe if you wanted to be, it could be nice-”
He had to get the fuck out of here.
“I’ll be right back.”
He was on autopilot, only focusing on getting the fuck away from this situation as fast as he could. He pulled himself out from the blanket fort and hurried off towards his bedroom, knowing that Blitzø was behind him and shouting after him but choosing to ignore it. When he got to his room he quickly closed and locked the door behind him.
He sunk to the floor and curled into a tight ball, the tears pouring down his cheeks as he shook with loud, wet sobs.
Blitzø wanted to be his boyfriend
He should be happy.
He should be fucking happy.
So why the fuck could he never just be fucking happy?
—
It was over, now. Now that it had become too real, it had to be over with. Stolas cared about Blitzø too much to let this continue any more, he’d already been foolish to let it go this long.
He couldn’t let Blitzø get too close, because if he got close, he’d find out what a shit person he was, eventually. He was selfish, he was arrogant, he was an asshole, an embarrassment.
He was unloveable.
Blitzø had just been confused this past month. He didn’t know Stolas. He didn’t really know Stolas.
He couldn’t let Blitzø get to really know him or he’d grow to despise him just as much as Stella had, and that thought made him want to die.
He sat curled up in a ball in his bedroom, tears sliding down his cheeks, for what felt like an eternity.
Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I let myself just have this?
Why do I have to be such a piece of shit? Why can’t I be good enough for him?
Such a useless waste of a demon.
He lamented the loss of what relationship he could have had with Blitzø had he been a better demon than he was. The grief he felt at the loss of a relationship that hadn’t even actually existed was still less than the great, overwhelming fear he had of the imp getting close and realizing how awful he truly was and growing to hate him as much as his ex-wife had. As much as he hated himself.
You’re not meant to be close to anyone. You’re better alone, because that way you can’t disappoint anyone. It’s better this way.
He couldn’t control the way his body was shaking and he was almost making himself nauseous with the way his body heaved with each sob.
He went stiff and completely silent when he felt a gentle hand being pressed against his back.
It was like time was standing still for him. He’d locked the door, right? He definitely had, so how–oh, well, obviously Blitzø knew how to get into his room without the use of the door.
You fucking idiot.
“Stolas?”
The sound of the imp’s voice brought on a new wave of tears and he tightened himself further into a ball. Blitzø was moving forward now, grabbing at the feathery hands clamped tightly over his eyes and very gently lowering them.
He knew he looked terrible, but Blitzø only had concern etched across his face. The imp was gently massaging his hands and Stolas felt it beginning to ground him. He tried to slow his breathing down to tame his racing thoughts and it was working, just barely.
He stared at Blitzø, his chest coiling tightly when the imp looked away for just a moment with a pained expression.
Of course, you hurt him.
“I’m sorry,” he choked out, burying his face into his knees and wishing he could disappear completely.
“Stolas, it’s fine,” Blitzø said gently, continuing to massage his hands. “There’s nothing to apologize for. I’m not mad at you for not feeling the same way.”
“It’s… it’s not…” he sniffed, wanting to argue but the words died in his throat.
Pathetic.
The imp shook his head, letting go of the owl’s hands so he could run his clawed fingers through his head feathers. “S’okay, really. I… I knew it was never going to work, but I just…” He sighed quietly, then scooted a tiny bit closer to the owl. Stolas peeked his upper set of eyes over the tops of his knees, face still pressed into them, and the imp gave him a small smile. “Are you okay, Stols?”
He shuddered, beginning to shake again. He swallowed thickly.
“I’m scared,” he blurted out, regretting it immediately.
Blitzø cocked his head to the side, still gently running his hands through the feathers on his crest. “Scared of what?”
He had no more energy to carefully craft his responses, so he spoke honestly instead.
“Scared you’ll hate me.”
Blitzø continued giving him a look that was unreadable to the owl. “Why… why would I hate you, Stolas?”
“Because I–” The words were getting trapped in his throat as he locked eyes with the imp who was still gently running a hand through his head feathers. “I’m not..” He sighed, shifting his gaze back down to his knees and pressing his face into them. “I don’t deserve you.”
Blitzø’s hand froze for a few seconds that felt like an eternity to Stolas.
And then, the imp laughed.
It was such an unexpected response Stolas momentarily forgot how upset he was and snapped his head up to stare at him. Blitzø still had a hand resting gently in his head feathers as he continued to laugh.
When Blitzø’s laughter finally died down he moved both clawed hands down to cup Stolas’ cheeks. He lowered his head to be at eye level with the owl’s and grinned at him. “Why do you have to be so fucking weird sometimes, Stols?” Blitzø had said it with a fondness in his voice, but the words hurt Stolas just the same. He winced, his cheeks burning with embarrassment as he tried to bury his face again in his knees.
At some point, Blitzø must have realized that the owl had taken it the wrong way, and he was at his side with his arms wrapped around him. “Fuck, Stolas, I didn’t mean it like that.”
The hug felt nice, and despite the way Stolas was feeling, and despite how badly he wanted to run away again, he felt himself leaning into it. Blitzø purred lightly, nuzzling his arm. “I like how fucking weird you are Stols, it’s what makes you fun to be around.”
The concept was foreign to Stolas. Perhaps he’d misunderstood.
“What I meant was, I told you I liked you and asked if you wanted to be my boyfriend and you just… got up and left and locked yourself in your room and cried.”
You are fucking pathetic.
“Here I was thinking you were so fucking depressed at the idea of being with me you went to go off yourself in your room or some shit, but you were just crying because, somehow, you think I’m too good for you.”
Stupid. Pathetic. Embarrassing.
Blitzø laughed again, running a hand through his head feathers once more. “Just a weird way to react is all, Stols. It’s… cute, I guess. You make no fuckin’ sense.”
Cute?
Stolas slowly raised his head and turned to look into Blitzø’s eyes. He always had a hard time reading the imp’s expressions and finding the true meaning of them.
Blitzø was, simply, just looking at him. Maybe even looking at him in an affectionate way. But in any case, he was just looking at him because he wanted to, and he didn’t see any of the malice he had expected to be hiding under the surface. Blitzø wasn’t trying to come up with words that could tear Stolas down.
The concept was foreign to Stolas.
Despite the anxiety still gripping him, Stolas decided it was time to be a little bit brave. Blitzø was brave every moment of every day, so Stolas should be able to do it just this once.
“Blitzø… what if you hate me once you really get to know me?”
The imp scoffed. “I could ask the same thing back to you, Stolas.
Stolas bit his lip and shook his head quickly. “That would never happen.”
The imp’s tail curled back and forth before gently wrapping itself around the owl’s tail. “And I could say the same thing back to you.”
It was a nice sentiment, but Stolas knew it wasn’t true. In any case, he felt his anxiety lowering and his head was starting to clear.
“I’m sorry, Blitzø.” All he ever wanted to do was apologize. “I’m a mess, I think.” He managed a small smile at the imp who chuckled and nodded back at him.
“Same, birdie.” Blitzø ruffled the feathers on his head and stood up straight, putting his hands on his hips. “Sooo… is it still my turn to pick the movie? Or do I have to let you..?” He held a hand out, gesturing at the owl’s puffy and tearstained face. “Since you’re all.. Like that?”
Stolas couldn’t help but hoot out a tiny laugh at this. “I suppose you can choose, if you really want.”
Stolas assumed Blitzø would have wanted to leave once he’d calmed down, but he stayed. They watched three more movies, in fact. Stolas fell asleep pretty early on into the third, and woke up several hours later to find Blitzø had fallen asleep at some point as well.
He’s probably going to leave as soon as he wakes up.
But then why was the imp’s tail curled around Stolas’ leg? Why did he have one arm wrapped around Stolas’ waist? Why had he laid a blanket over both of them? It definitely hadn’t been on either of them when they started that third movie. It seemed like a strange thing to do if you didn’t plan to stay.
Maybe he didn’t need to question it right now.
So he didn’t. He wrapped his arms around the man he was painfully in love with and closed his eyes, drifting off to sleep again.
—
When Stolas woke up the next day, Blitzø had still been there. He had woken up some time before the owl, taking care of all the takeout containers that had been in front of their blanket fort, and was making breakfast for the two of them when Stolas finally found him.
Stolas had never had anyone make breakfast for him before, aside from the servants of course. It was very nice, and despite the emotional night he’d had he felt oddly serene, maybe even close to happy. He wondered if he had done so much crying that his body had run out of depression for the moment.
Blitzø was acting as though nothing had happened the night before. He’d wondered when the imp was going to finally bring it all up, ask Stolas why he had overreacted the way he did, belittle him for all the tears he’d shed. He never did. Seeing Stolas curled up into a ball and crying his eyes out like a toddler had no effect on the imp at all, it seemed. Was it because Blitzø was just that nice, or was it because Blitzø understood?
“So what’s up with plants?” Blitzø said, eyeing one of the hanging plants in the kitchen that had a string of drool falling from its mouth.
The owl glanced up at it, smiling. “I find them fascinating.”
Blitzø blinked up at the plant, poking at it with a spatula. Unlike some of his other carnivorous plants, this variety was very docile. It ignored the pokes and did not move. Blitzø seemed disappointed and set the spatula down. “Fascinating how?”
Stolas yawned, waving a hand dismissively. “It’s not interesting.”
Blitzø rolled his eyes, leaning on the table. When he spoke, there was an exasperation in his voice. “Stolas, why do you always do that?” The imp’s tail flicked back and forth, which Stolas knew sometimes meant he was annoyed. “Whenever I ask you about the stuff you like or stuff you wanna do, you always tell me it’s not important or it’s not interesting. I fucking ask you questions because I want to know the fucking answers, not have you decide that it’s boring before I even fucking hear it.”
Stolas blinked, confused. “It’s just–I’m not deciding for you… I just know that people find it boring when I go on about my interests.” He shrugged and smiled lightly, hoping to lessen the tension.
Blitzø stared at him with half lidded eyes, tail twitching back and forth. “Who fucking told you that, Stols? The little voice in your head that tells you all the other negative bullshit you think about yourself?” Blitzø said it with a hint of sarcasm, and Stolas knew it was meant to be lighthearted, but he answered honestly anyway.
“Well… everyone. Certainly most of the Goetia family. And, of course, Stella reminded me every day of our marriage.” He shrugged.
Blitzø’s expression stayed the same, but his tail slowed until it stopped moving entirely. “But all of those people are fucking assholes, Stolas.”
Stolas nodded in agreement. “Yes, but if so many people have said the same things there must be some bit of truth to it.”
Blitzø blinked at him and remained silent. He picked up the dishes off the table and turned, hopping onto the step stool in front of the sink. He plopped the dishes in and then hopped up onto the counter, sitting on the edge of it, looking down at the owl with a soft expression. “You know, Stols, lots of people like talking to you. I do, for one.”
Stolas worried for a moment that he had offended the imp. “I–I know! I didn’t mean to imply–”
“M&M like you too, Stolas. Even Looney said you ‘aren’t so bad’, which is actually a big compliment from her.” Blitzø stared at him for another couple of seconds before fishing his phone out of his pocket and looked down at it.
Stolas watched Blitzø scroll on his phone, not saying anything. After a few more seconds, Blitzø seemed to find what he was looking for and snapped his attention back to the owl, handing his phone over. It was open to a group chat between him and his employees.
“It’s from that time we all went out to that bar together,” Blitzø supplied. Stolas eyed him quizzically. He remembered the night, it had been a lot of fun up until the end when he suddenly felt as if he had been talking for way too long and got the sense everyone was annoyed with him.
Millie: Tonight was really nice 😊😊
Blitzø: ya
Millie: Was Stolas ok, tho? He seemed a little sad when u guys left.
Blitzø: he fyn. got slf con she us i thnk
Moxxie: What?
Loona: self conscious
Millie: 😂😂😂 idk how to spell that shit either
Blitzø: ty looney ilu
Loona: 🖕
Moxxie: Well I rather enjoyed having his highness along. He has a true appreciation for the arts and we were having a really great conversation about musical theater before you ruined it.
Blitzø: i dnt do nethin
Moxxie: You pushed me out of my chair and spilled a drink on me.
Blitzø: i wntd sit by stols
Millie: 😍😍😍
Loona: 🤮
Moxxie: That’s actually kind of sweet, sir.
Blitzø: stfu
Millie: Well I hope we get to see more of him soon 😉
He’s fun! And you seem happier with him around.
Blitzø: mayb if ur luky
i m hapy when he arund
im hapy w/o him 2 tho
Loona: no ur not
hes coming next time
ur not as insufferable when hes there
Blitzø: 😢😢😢
Stolas blinked and stared back up at Blitzø when he finished reading the exchange. Blitzø held his hand out and Stolas put the phone in it.
“See?” Blitzø said softly, pocketing his phone again.
Stolas continued to stare at him.
Oh.
Blitzø blinked at him slowly. “Fizz told me that Ozzie likes you, too. Said he gave you his number a while back. Also said that Verosika talks about you sometimes when she’s at Ozzie’s and only has nice things to say. If I’d known you…” His voice trailed off. “...I… I would have told you all that sooner…”
Oh.
Blitzø hopped off the counter and walked over to him. He pulled himself up onto the table this time, sitting on the edge of it directly in front of the owl so they were at eye level. He slowly reached forward and held his face, wiping away some of the tears that were beginning to blur the owl’s vision.
He hadn’t realized he was crying, yet again, until that moment.
“I didn’t know you really thought…” Blitzø winced and looked away for a split second before returning his gaze to the owl’s. “You’re one of the most powerful demons in Hell, I just… I didn’t know you really thought all this shit.”
Slowly, Blitzø pulled Stolas’ head forward and pressed their foreheads together, gently rubbing the sides of his face with his thumbs. The imp let out a long, shaky breath.
“I’m really sorry that those fuckers made you think that about yourself, Stols.”
Time felt like it was frozen as the cogs in his brain started to turn.
He was always assuming everyone badmouthed him as soon as his back was turned. He had been very, very sure of it, and yet… here was proof that wasn’t the case.
Here was a whole group of demons that had no reason to give a shit about him who seemed to genuinely like him. What’s more, it was a group of demons he himself genuinely liked, too.
Stella wasn’t right about him. His father wasn’t right about him. The rest of the Goetia family wasn’t right about him.
They had just wanted him to believe they were right about him.
He knew that, he’d always known that, but for some reason he let himself be controlled by the narrative that was presented to him. It was an easy thing to do when he’d always been so isolated.
He felt like he had been in a prison cell his entire life with no hope of escaping, and it wasn’t until meeting Blitzø just over a year ago he dared to imagine it was possible. Having that tiny bit of hope felt like a small part of him was freed from the cage he was in.
When he’d gotten the divorce, when Stella was finally gone, he’d foolishly believed he was completely free. Stolas was starting to see that there were a lot more things holding him prisoner than he’d ever realized before, and being rid of Stella was only the start.
And here came Blitzø again, handing a key to him, allowing him to free himself a little more.
Stolas pulled his head back gently and opened his eyes to stare at Blitzø, who was staring back at him with uncertainty.
Stolas couldn’t help but stare in wonder at the imp who had done nothing but improve his life every chance he could. He wasn’t sure why he had gotten so lucky, and he still wasn’t entirely sure he deserved it, but he was not going to question it now. He doubted Blitzø could have any idea how much he meant to Stolas or how much he looked up to him. How could he explain that Blitzø was the most incredible demon he had ever met? That Blitzø had literally saved his life?
“I love you.”
The words fell out of his beak before he could even realize it, and in the next moment he found himself pulling the imp into a tight embrace, not caring anymore what the voices in his mind had to say. He wasn’t going to let all the work Blitzø did to help free him from the prison cell he’d spent his whole life in go to waste by locking himself into another that existed in his mind.
Blitzø was wrapping himself around Stolas tightly, pressing his face into the owl’s neck, rubbing tears into his feathers.
“Love you too, Stols.”
He loved Blitzø. Blitzø loved him.
He should be happy.
And for once, he was happy.
—
It had been another month of the two dating, this time “officially”, and Stolas had never felt so happy.
It hadn’t been perfect. There were days they got on each other’s nerves and there were days they fought, but nothing was ever permanent and through everything Blitzø still loved him and of course, he still loved Blitzø.
Both Stolas and Blitzø had learned there was a lot of work that was needed to even begin to undo the warped perception the owl had of himself, but they were working on it together. As they did, they also learned that many of the negative thoughts that crept into Stolas’ mind and disrupted his peace were thoughts Blitzø struggled with about himself.
It was strangely comforting to Stolas, although he wouldn’t have wished for Blitzø to struggle with these things. Stolas had been very surprised to learn the man he put on a pedestal and looked up to could think so lowly of himself. Blitzø had told him he felt the same way about Stolas. Though he had been saddened to learn that the imp viewed himself this way, it was also a relief to realize that there wasn’t anything horribly wrong with himself. Finding out about Blitzø’s struggles with his mental health hadn’t made Stolas think any less of him, so why should it make him think less of himself?
He was starting to view Blitzø not as some heroic figure from a fairy tale, but as an equal to him. When he allowed himself to see them as equals and tell himself that just maybe he did deserve the imp, being himself and being honest around him had only become easier.
“For someone who says you’re the happiest you’ve ever been, you sure cry a lot, Stols.” Blitzø teased as he helped the owl repot one of his plants.
It was true. Stolas had, for so long, alternated between feeling sad and feeling numb to the world. Now that he was feeling better, feeling happy most of the time, he could barely contain his emotions and he regularly got overwhelmed and cried at the littlest things.
The time Blitzø ordered for him at the coffee shop because he already knew what Stolas would order, he cried. The time Blitzø had been comfortable enough to sing along to a song on the radio while driving them in his van, he cried. The time Moxxie asked Stolas to be on his team for charades, he cried. The time Millie had noticed he wasn’t feeling himself when they were at a bar and held his hand, he cried. When Blitzø asked Stolas to tell him all about his favorite plants so he could make some horse OCs of them, he cried. When he asked if Stolas wanted to help write a fanfic about the plant/horse OCs Blitzø made, he cried.
He couldn’t help it. He cried for the owl who had spent over three decades believing none of these things could ever happen to him. He cried for the owl who had truly believed he was going to die alone.
Stolas wiped his eyes and chuckled wetly, dumping the dirt into the new pot and watching as Blitzø smoothed it out.
When they finished, Blitzø crawled onto his lap and kissed him, Stolas kissing him back and wrapping his arms around him. He pulled away so he could wipe his eyes again and then nuzzled into the imp’s neck.
“Thank you, Blitzø.” He said as he held the imp tight to his chest. “For everything you’ve done–you do for me.” A fresh set of tears filled his eyes and he sniffed. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“You’re so fucking sappy,” Blitzø chuckled, though Stolas was pretty sure the imp was sniffling, too. He sucked in a deep breath, releasing it slowly. “Don’t know what I’d do without you either, Stols. So you better not fucking go anywhere.”
Stolas continued to hold him, his heart swelling. He shook his head and pulled back to look Blitzø in the eyes. “Never. I want to stay with you forever.”
Stolas truly meant it from the depths of his heart.
Blitzø blinked at him with wide eyes, and Stolas recognized the expression the imp made whenever he was trying to convince himself that the kind words spoken to him were not true. Slowly, Stolas moved his hands up to cup the imp’s cheeks, and he stared back at him, no hint of sarcasm, no changing the subject, no uncomfortable laughter.
After a few moments, Blitzø accepted Stolas’ words, and tears filled his eyes as well. He shot forward and pressed his face into Stolas’ chest fluff, hands shaking as he held him. “Me too, Stols. Forever.” He sniffed and rubbed the tears into his feathers. “As long as I have you with me, I’ll always be happy.”
Stolas knew that Blitzø meant it. He knew they would get to spend the rest of their lives making each other feel happy, loved, safe.
Now, he knew that he deserved to feel all of those things, and he should feel all of those things.
And with Blitzø, he knew he would.