Chapter Text
Chapter 1
Sometimes when Rey or Finn brought up the First Order within earshot of Kylo, he'd remember things he'd left behind and would be plagued with guilt until he could distract himself enough. Rey would always sense it before he could block out the feelings, and she'd get suspicious of him. It was understandable, he couldn't blame his cousin for not trusting him. She suspected he still hadn't truly drawn away from the First Order, that it was still tempting him somehow. Kylo would never go back, but there was that sweet temptation that he fully regretted leaving behind. If only he could have taken them with him.
Defecting from the First Order had felt surreal the first few weeks. He'd escaped as soon as he had managed to take a glimpse inside of Snoke's mind and seen what the creature was really after. How he and everyone else around him would have been destroyed as soon as Snoke's goals were reached and they had no purpose. Leaving was both for his own personal benefit and for everyone else in the Order's benefit. As long as Snoke never found him he had a chance for a new life, a real life. With him gone, Snoke was weakened, his goals so more unreachable, adding to the time that all of the First Order personal had left. Snoke would need to find a new apprentice, one as strong as Kylo, and have to start all over again. He'd never be able to find one easily, and it would be years upon years before the Supreme Leader would make it to the point in the plan again. He wouldn't be able to snag someone from the Knights of Ren either. The Knights of Ren had left the First Order on Kylo's command. They served him, not the Supreme Leader.
Of course, that was the last command they'd ever heard from him. He'd cut off contact once he reached the Resistance, and had promised his mother he wouldn't associate with them ever again. He wasn't exactly sure if he'd be able to keep that promise. If they somehow found him and showed up at the base he would technically have to interact with them. There was a small hope in him that maybe they would still want to follow him even if they knew he was accepting the light side, that they would want to become grey force users too. Since that was unlikely to ever happen, Kylo didn't dwell on it much.
Kylo didn't dare dwell on the two other people that had nearly forced him to stay.
Now that he had just barely thought about them, his heart sunk. Kylo opened his eyes, unable to meditate any longer. He stood up, needing to find something to distract himself. Maybe he could go see if he could help work in the hanger, borrow Poe's music to listen to. Something that would keep him from thinking.
Rey grabbed his wrist before he could go. Kylo knew immediately that she was finally going to ask what his moments of guilt and regret were for. He didn't want to talk about it, he was worried he wouldn't be able to stop himself from breaking down.
"Kylo, I-"
"I'm going to go see if Poe needs help in the hanger, I don't feel like meditating anymore."
"Luke said we needed to practice meditating."
He snapped back, "Well I practiced. Let me go." He instantly felt bad he had let his temper resurface. "Sorry... I don't think I can meditate anymore right now. Maybe tomorrow."
She eyed him suspiciously. "You were thinking about the First Order again. You always feel guilty when you do, tell me why. Do you have doubts about whether or not you should haven't have left?"
Kriff, he wasn't ready to talk about this. It'd been a year and he was no where near ready at all. Kylo couldn't even bring himself to talk to his own mother about it, even though she was the only one who would really know how to comfort him. "Leaving was the right thing to do, I don't ever want to go back."
"We both know that's not true."
Bitter anger rose up, but he swallowed it back down. "What do you know? I would've been killed if I had stayed, if I ever went back. I don't want to die, Rey."
"You regret leaving. Luke senses it too, you know. So does Leia. They want to help you get rid of those regrets, they just don't know how to bring it up."
"Fine, there's one thing I regret. But I'll never be able to get rid of it, it's going to haunt me forever. It can't be helped, either." It couldn't, because the only way to ease that regret was impossible. Kylo made sure to put up a block in case she tried to pry. She didn't need to see what he was trying desperately to bury. She wouldn't understand. "...I deserve to suffer for it, so don't bother."
Rey let him go, and he left the room, no longer feeling the motivation to go to the hanger. Kylo instead headed for home. It'd been a while since he'd locked himself up in his room to sulk, but he felt like he really needed a day to just revel in misery and let emotions out. He had found that just locking himself up and having a good cry brought out the same soothing feeling that the end of one of his anger-induced fits (his tantrums, everyone said) did.
And who knew, maybe cutting something up might make him feel better too. He'd try the isolation first, it made people less angry and scared. Sulking just drew out pity, which was much better than being less trusted. He'd worked so hard the past year to try and make up even a tiny bit for what he had done. It would be awful to destroy a single room and lose all that.
-
Hux sighed as he collapsed into his chair. Everything was just going downhill, had been going so very downhill ever since Ren had left and the Supreme Leader stopped giving clear instructions. The ginger had been left with the task of trying to make sense of the very few messages the Supreme Leader sent, and basically attempting to control the First Order himself from the Finalizer. He'd hardly gotten any good sleep in weeks, and now he was settling in for a long night of paperwork.
Within minutes of starting on a report, there was a tug on his pant leg, and he looked down to see sad blue eyes staring up at him. With a huff, he tugged the child up onto his lap, and set back to work. The little boy always wanted to be as close to him as possible whenever he was in the room.
"Hello, Edo..."
The child gave no response, curling up in his lap. Hux held back another sigh and resumed typing. He'd given up trying to get the child to speak to him, to speak at all. The boy had gone mute ever since his mother had left. A bitter feeling welled up at the thought of how Ren had completely abandoned them to god knows where. All that talk about he wanted to be with Edo like his own father had never been with him for nothing... Hux thought. Ren had up and left just like how he said his own father would, how he said he wouldn't but did anyways.
Edo had settled into some sort of depression that Hux couldn't get him out of. Research had proved the boy was going through abandoned child syndrome, he showed the majority of key signs. Hux had originally tried telling the child that Ren was sure to come back, but as days turned into weeks and then into months, he stopped bringing up Ren altogether. Now it'd been a year and Edo only seemed to be getting worse. He'd gone mute, didn't do anything, never interacted with anyone, had fitful amounts of nightmare-ridden sleep, was overly clingy towards his remaining parent, and never wanted to eat anything.
If Hux ever saw Ren again he was going to give him a piece of his mind. For leaving the First Order, for leaving him, for leaving their son... He had a whole lecture planned for it, yet somehow he knew he'd probably never get to say a word of it. He was certain he'd never see the knight again. Hux wasn't even sure if that fact bothered him at all. Was he really okay with never seeing that man again?
He noticed Edo giving him a quizzical look and realized he was staring at his screen, hands hovering over the keys. Hux shook his head to snap back to reality and continued to type. Edo rested his head against his chest, silent as ever.