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Being in power, Phil decided, was kind of like being on the USS Enterprise.
“No hear me out. It’s kind of like our party’s Starfleet. And we’ve got our very own Captain Kirk bringing this department into whole new unexplored territories. Or maybe the PM’s Captain Kirk and Peter’s like Sulu or something piloting us out into the great unknown.”
Emma somehow conveyed the full strength of her eye roll without ever looking up from her phone. Phil remained undaunted.
“Opposition are totally Klingons. No wait. Is Malcolm Tucker Khan, villain that he is?”
Three people in the room snorted under their breaths, unwilling to admit that Malcolm Tucker, out of power, still kind of scared the shit out of them.
“But, they used to run things. Like this department. Are they mirror universe us? Or are we mirror universe them? Who’d look better with a moustache? Me or that twat Reeder? Emma, you have any insight into this?”
Terri suddenly poked her head around the corner with a ‘minor crisis update’ that ‘Peter, great man that he is, could totally handle but a little help wouldn’t be terrible, isn’t Peter great by the way?’ ect. ect.
“Oh thank god.”
And Emma was out of her seat and halfway across the office before Terri had time to close her mouth.
Phil snorted as he got up from his desk, eying Terri.
“Terri. Try wearing red more often. It’ll make you look like a tomato, but it could be lucky for the rest of us.”
-_-_-
“Look. I don’t know why you’re so afraid of him. He’s just a sad little man running driving a powerless train at this point. I mean, Nicola Murray?”
“Has he ever noticed you existed since that time he was getting that twat Reeder to try and sleep with you for attention? He is a scary scary man. He threatened to slow broil my balls in a kettle before he’d season them with my tears and serve them to my gran for Christmas. Seriously, one of these days, he is going to carry through with one of his threats. It’s like losing all that power has backed him into a corner, and you know what that does to people and dangerous animals.”
Suddenly the hallways around them filled with reporters and personnel as the conference room emptied.
Emma was back on her phone, answering more emails. Phil pressed on, nonplussed.
“It’s kind of like, I’m terrified that one day, all his anger will manifest in him being able to shoot lightening out of his fingers? And I won’t be Luke Skywalker enough to survive the experience.”
Peter finally emerged from the conference room, looking as haggard and put upon as the time Stewart had tried implementing a no-caffeine week in the office and it had lasted all of three days before there had been a mini uprising. It was the look Peter got every other time he had to endure reporters so it wasn’t entirely too worrying.
“Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.”
Peter barely looked at Phil’s mockingly outstretch imploring hand and brushed past.
“For fuck’s sake. I need a bit of peace and quiet, or for someone to shoot me in the head so I can experience the same. God, I hope that bloody report isn’t on my desk when we get back so I can leave early.”
“Maybe you can use the power of the force to control Terri and not have her put it on your desk before she leaves.”
“Oh, shut up. I’m going to need to start drinking heavily if I have to put up with any more yammering from anyone, especially you.”
Emma pointedly ignored Phil’s little hand wavy gesture.
-_-_-
“You know…”
Phil turned away from the press conference as he turned the tv off. Nicola’s slightly awkward but actually decently competent (for her) delivery of a short speech was going to send everyone in the office into a frenzy by the end of the working day. Everyone could sense it on the horizon.
“I can’t believe no one noticed Malcolm’s hand up her arse during that speech. It was like you could almost see all the strings he was pulling to orchestrate that.”
Terri was already starting to answer calls from people looking for response quotes. Phil could just imagine Malcolm slinking back into his office after all the reporters cleared away and manically laughing like some kind of cartoon villain. Nicola had served him well and would live another day to be useful again, Phil supposed.
Emma was off, gearing up into crisis management mode, and Phil stepped up to take care of Peter-managing for the afternoon. He’s steering Peter back towards his office, away from the rising clamour and din of the floor when he couldn’t help himself.
“Steerpike, man. That man is Steerpike. And we are not safe until someone takes him out.”
For once, he wasn’t ignored, mocked, or told to shut up.
“Huh. I think I read that book in uni.”
Peter’s tone was dry as a bone, in that casual sort of way he had sometimes.
“Look at you. Looks like you used to live a little.”
“A man cannot survive on only classics. It inspired some early idea on how to run a mad-house. Quite useful reading in the long run actually.”
“Peter, you know my utmost respect for you has let me to draw comparisons between yourself and some of the great leaders of the ages. I think my Gandalf metaphor was rather perfectly executed, even if you weren’t around it for. But I don’t think Titus fits you very well. Even if the thought of you dueling Malcolm to death is kind of exciting. I don’t think other references I could make would be too flattering either. I could totally be your Mr. Flay though.”
“Let’s not go that far. But be on the further lookout for Malcolm coming by to try and take us over instead of just trying to bring his party back into power. That’ll be the day.”
Emma blew in with, with a “We’re going to need preliminary statements and drafted responses, oh , and Stewart’s going to be here any minute.” Then disappeared again.
“Christ. I need a drink. Or at least a cup of tea that isn’t going to be Stewart’s herb-y crap.”
-_-_-
It took two weeks after the inquiry, but someone finally had a reaction to the fallout other than ‘good riddance’ when someone had to inquire about a quick quote from Dan Miller, and the process was long, tedious, and involved too much red tape for such a simple request, but ultimately, wasn’t traumatizing.
“I think…” Fergus started, and for once no one was moving to interrupt.
“We need to properly appreciate the beginning of a new era. It’s like we vanquished an enemy or something.”
“Well, since Peter wasn’t here last time, can I call him Gandalf again? He metaphorically threw down our enemy and smote his ruin on the mountainside of politics. And there were nearly nine of us called into that ball sweater. Is Glenn our Boromir? Since he turned out to be a weak willed betrayer? No, Glenn’s too much of a twat.”
“No. Just. No. And really, it was more like him just shooting himself in the foot. If you’re going to annoy the hell out of us with your references, at least make them relevant.”
-_-_-
Apparently, people in the coalition didn’t know what to do with their spare time when the opposition wasn’t going their vicious best to throw up dangerously explosive roadblocks at every turn. Ollie Reeder was a tool of the highest order, but he was no Machiavellian schemer ruling from the shadows.
“You know, heroes need to have arch nemesis to have something to rail again. Peter and Fergus are going to tear each other apart with their bare hands sooner or later if Dan Miller doesn’t step up his game.”
Emma looked up from reviewing notes from a brief appearance from a press conference earlier that afternoon, and made a frustrated sound in protest.
“Is that all you do? Just sit in the office and think up stupid references to make for no reason and hope someone mistakes it for work?”
“Well, not all the time. But I will not be suppressed. If I think that we’re currently in the post Voldemort part of Harry Potter, all we’ve got left to do is name our kids and successors really stupid names and…”
Peter was coming out of his office before the heard the tail end of Phil’s ramblings and just turned to walk right back into his office. Terri hurried to hatch up and arch nemesis or no, it really wasn’t any different from every other day at the office.