Chapter Text
Dazai rushed into the bathroom, clutching something tightly to his chest.
“The fuck you got, Mackerel?”
“Don’t worry about it”
He slammed the door and locked it. All Chuuya could hear after that was the placement of a… wooden box? Then out of nowhere…
“IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE IVANTILL IS ALIVE…”
In between each violent scream there were soft cries of MPREG LUKA…
Chuuya was deeply concerned and kicked open the bathroom door…that “wooden box” was actually a huge collapsible picture frame of a strange person.(Till from Alien Stage)
“GET OUT!” Dazai exclaimed.
Chuuya immediately grabbed Dazai and dragged him to the nearest church to get him exorcized.
The End
Chapter 2: Dazai's exorcism!!!
Summary:
Dazai finally goes to the Puqi Shrine/ The Church of England...
Notes:
I didn't know if I'd make another chapter because I honestly hate writing ;<
but I decided to do it anyway one night because I suddenly got motivation to do it lol
sorry it's short let me know if you want more
I hope you don't go bald at 5:43 am <333
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
They arrived at the shrine, it was the Puqi Shrine(but located in England #readthetags). Chuuya immediately threw Dazai in the confession box after talking with the Great Priest, Xie Lian. Xie Lian spoke from the other side of the box.
“In the name of the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit. Amen. The Lord is with you. My child, as we enter this sacred moment of confession, I invite you to acknowledge your sins before God, who is always ready to forgive. May this time be one of healing and peace, as we ask for His mercy and strive to return to His loving embrace. May the Holy Spirit open our hearts.” There was just silence… until Dazai finally spoke up,
“Oh uh… amen,” Dazai continued, “So I was just basically doing my daily ritual of going into the bathroom at Chibi’s apartment and setting up a picture of these characters, Ivan and Till. They’re from a little show on YouTube called Alien Stage and they are my favorite ship like… EVER!(#Dazailikesdoomedyaoi) And anyways, I set the picture up and put up some candles around it, like I think 89 or 70? Something like that. Then I got on my knees in the middle of the ominous circle of candles and started chanting ‘IVANTILL IS ALIVE’ over and over and over and over and over and over and over again!”
“And… why did you do that, my child?” Xie Lian asked.
“I chanted it because I thought it might bring Ivan and Till back to life in the next episode… which (SPOILER ALERT) it only brought Till back to life.” Dazai responded sadly.
Xie Lian didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, but he hesitantly continued, ending the confession with; “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen. Know that God loves you deeply, and no matter the weight of your sins, His mercy is greater. Trust that He has received you with open arms when you confessed your sins today. May you experience the healing and peace that only Christ can give. Together, let us pray for His grace to truly repent and be healed.”
Dazai responded gloomily, “Amen…”
Eventually, Dazai dragged himself out of the booth and made his way back to Chuuya’s apartment, disabling the very complicated and very expensive security system that was rudely delaying him from attempting the ritual again once he got there. He hoped to cheer himself up from the reminder that Ivan is still dead and will always be dead and probably won’t be miraculously revived because of the rituals that he still sometimes does without Kenji on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
The End?
Notes:
AGAIN sorry
LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT A CHAPTER 3 AND SO ON I MIGHT ACTUALLY CONTINUE THIS IN YOU GUYS WANT ME TO...p.s. thank you to the people who booked marked and gave kudos because y'all genuinely made me kick my feet up and giggle especially when I was reading the comments NOW BYEEEE
Chapter 3: A normal day in the normal Dazai's life
Summary:
ok so...basically a lot of stuff happens and its a normal day for dazai.
Notes:
HIIIIII I saw some comments today and your comments always make my day because I do waste my life on this for no reason otherwise I always love seeing your input anyways there is a part in this where a fire alarm goes off and at the same time my fire alarm went off while typing this so fun I guess! Now enjoy the read...ok?
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
It was 9:04 am on a Wednesday. You know what that means… ritual day with Kenji! The day started off normal as any normal Wednesday with Dazai, waking up normal, getting dragged out of his normal bed, made to follow normal hygiene routines against his will, as well as enduring the totally normal tyranny of eating healthy, and finally being able to normally invite Kenji over for the very normal sacred act of seance and summoning. By now it was already 10:36 am when Kenji arrived and helped Dazai with the setup in Chuuya’s excessively fancy bathroom. They put together the ritual with the huge framed photo of Ivan and Till (link to the photo in the end authors note) in the center of the piles of candles that had the sweet scent of vanilla, burnt rubber and… burnt caramel? Dazai didn’t remember buying caramel scented candles.
“Yuck…What's that smell Dazai-san?” Kenji asked.
“It’s probably nothing Kenji lets just get to the ritu—” The screech of the apartment fire alarm interrupted them.
Ah… Forgot to disable that. Hopefully Chibi won’t—
“MACKERAL…” Chuuya yelled from the hallway, “WHAT THE FLIPPER DID YOU DO?!”
Dazai desperately looked around for the source of the smell when he was met with a pair of highschoolers if the uniforms were anything to go by, not that he’d ever seen that type of uniform anywhere near Yokohama. The taller boy had spiky blond hair and possibly an attitude problem if his twitching fingers were anything to go by. The other one had… is that green hair?
“AGH! Where the flippers are we Nerd?!” The blond boy screamed.
Dazai mentally checked his ‘attitude problem’ box.
The green boy flinched at the sound of his… bully’s? voice. “Uhm… I don’t know Kacchan…”
“Waah! New friends! Howdy there! Wanna join the agency?” Kenji bursted out, bouncing with excitement.
“Not so fast Kenji, we don’t even know them,” Dazai warned, “So who are you mystery boys… you're obviously not King Yaoi the III— I mean Ivan or Till…”
“HAH, The name’s Bakugou Katsuki extras! Now explain to me where I am before I blast your asses!”
“My name is Midoriya Izuku! And uh… who is Ivan and Till? Are those your names?”
Did this green kid just say his name was Midoriya? Like Midori? Which… means green?
Dazai suppressed a smirk.
“Oh uh… no those are not our names… My name is Dazai Osamu, and this is Miyazawa Kenji!” Dazai explained.
“So who are Ivan and Till?” The green boy with the ridiculous name asked.
“Well I’m so glad you asked!” Dazai responded before getting down on his knees and motioning Kenji over to do the same before they both started to praise and pray to the framed picture often saying things like, “IVANTILL IS ALIVE” “IVAN IS ALIVE” “IVANTILL” and “MPREG LUKA”
“OH SHIT! Nerd, we gotta go, we landed at a damn tweakers bathroom!”
The two high school students intruders were about to try and leave when a small hispanic girl with a stupid ass color scheme and an even stupider ass haircut that looks like she cut her hair with a damn weed whacker and went to her opps house to get it fucking fixed marched in with a purple talking backpack and a fucking periwinkle ass monkey— (sorry kinda went off a little bit there but Boots and Map are actually hear me outs.)
Anyways going back in time a bit, Chuuya took notice of the fact that there were multiple children intruders in his bathroom, and one who was blatantly walking through his front door and somehow bypassing all of his—incredibly hard to disable—security measures.
The fucking child stared at him with soulless eyes. “Can you tell me where the crazy tweaker is?”
Chuuya stared at her.
“You mean shitty Dazai? Yeah that waste of bandages is in my bathroom. Second door on the right.” He said very helpfully for some reason.
“Who do we ask for help when we don’t know where to go?”
“I mean I just fucking told you where to go—”
“The Map!” The sexy Monkey who apparently can talk shouts!
“That's right, the map!” The fucking child agrees with soulless eyes, this time staring directly into your soulless eyes and breaking the fourth wall.(Shit need to fix that now)
“You don’t fucking need a damn map! This is literally an apartment and I told your ass where to go moron!” Chuuya shouts.
“I need your help!” Dora announces to the readers, completely breaking the fourth wall(Shit.) because no one can stop her.“Will you check the map to figure out how to get to the bathroom so we can find the tweaker who I oh so graciously took time out of my day to deliver this important and extremely normal information?”
“...”
“Good! Now you need to say ‘Map!’”
“Say Map! Say Map!” The really fucking cool and sexy monkey encouraged!
“...”
Even though I’m pretty sure you didn’t say map, map comes out anyways! Just like that secret I meant to keep but it was just so fucking hard to keep it and now they blocked me on all fucking platforms?! The map's theme song began to play, causing Chuuya’s eye to twitch.
♪ If theres a place you gotta go— ♫
“SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO TO THAT DAMN BASTARD HE’S IN THE FUCKING BATHROOM YOU PIECE OF SHIT! Ugh, dammit here” Chuuya grabs Map and points to where the bathroom is rather harshly.
“Thanks for helping!” The soulless child says with absolutely no emotion at all because she's just a demon in child skin.
“Vooooooooooomanos!” The little demon girl shouted before skipping into the bathroom with her sexy monkey friend, and causing everyone in there to look at her.
“Here he is! Dazai, I have a special message for you! First, let me get my backpack!” She said before turning back to you, reader, “You need to say backpack!”
“Say Backpack! Say Backpack!” That sexy ass monkey replied with (jesus hes so damn sexy).
“Yeah extras, say Backpack already!” The blond intruder said with it probably being a trained response because he watched Dora the Explora as a child and subsequently got anger issues.
...
Silence again… because I know from the bottom of my empty heart that you didn’t say backpack, but backpack still came anyway.
𝅘𝅥𝅮 Backpack, backpack! Backpack, backpack ♬
The demon child then pulled out a folded paper from her backpack and handed it to Dazai before leaving the highly secure apartment and going back to the adventure she had originally been on.
Dazai unfolded the note just to see:
“Lol! Sorry those two high school students are there—quirk accident! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ )”
“Quirk accident? What's a quirk?” Kenji asked after getting a peek at the note.
The green haired boy—allegedly Midoriya Izuku—explained, “A quirk is kind of like a super power that only about 80% of the population have… how do you not know that?”
“Quirk? Oh! You're talking about abilities!” Kenji said with a smile
“NO he said quirk extra”
“Wait, you said 80%? Abilities are super rare though… right Dazai-san?... Dazai-san?!”
Quirks… are they from a different dimension?
Dazai thought about it for a moment before coming to a realization, “If you're from a different dimension does that mean… KENJI! WE GOTTA LOCK IN! IVAN AND TILL CAN BE SUMMONED!” Dazai then started to chant like he was casting a spell going faster and faster.
OOGA CHAKA OOGA CHAKA IVANTILL BRING THEM BACK OOGA CHAKA OOGA CHAKA
And eventually… there was silence… and more silence… and a hissing sound… then a light… then two figures.
The end?
Nah. come back for chapter 4 which will probably be in a month or so.
Notes:
picture link: https://x.com/hirxno/status/1861997208087805994/photo/1
so I might be back in sooner than a month depending on my motivation level but I'm not sure because I have school starting soon ｡°(°.◜ᯅ◝°)°｡ anyways if you have any ideas or characters I should add lemme know in the comments thanks! ⸜(｡˃ ᵕ ˂ )⸝♡
EDIT: I realized I forgot to add the picture link...SO ITS THERE NOW!