Chapter Text
In the eyes of others, Han Jisung is a professional songwriter. A seasoned creator of music, with awards highlighting the blood, sweat and tears poured into his practice.
In his own eyes, he is a collector and organiser of sounds – both verbal and instrumental – with a love for stringing words together in a manner that has rhythm, repetition and rhyme.
Such talent is no doubt a result of his infatuation with music in general, clearly shown through the hours that he spends both in the studio and listening for enjoyment. Music is his lifeline, his passion, and his career. Similarly, lyric writing, and conveying stories and ideas through words, is as much second nature to him as bouncing his legs absentmindedly, or filling his cheeks with food while he eats.
Despite this intrinsic connection that his life has to words, it may be surprising to learn that he isn't one for reading. Or rather, he never used to be one for reading. Recent developments in his life have changed such a fact, but that's a topic to be touched on later.
Growing up, Jisung discovered a love for anime and dramas, particularly of the horror and romance variety. He developed the ability to consume media like a vacuum, while also somehow engrossing himself so thoroughly in their narratives that tears on his cheeks became commonplace. Now, don’t get him wrong. He's read and enjoyed books and web-novels before, but an issue always lay in his impatience, and lack of desire to sit down and stare at endless blocks of text.
Which is why it's particularly bizarre when he finds himself hunched over his computer, late at night, writing a story when he should be sleeping. But not just any story – a fanfiction. About himself. And the group member that he just so happens to share a dorm with.
It's an odd circumstance.
It's also a dangerous game.
Lee Minho, one of his two narrative subjects, can be heard showering in the other room, absent-mindedly humming the melody of Jisung's own handcrafted song, twilight. It’s incredibly distracting, but Jisung's attempts to ignore it are weak-willed. Sue him for enjoying the soft, pleasant sound of his best friend's voice in the tune of a song that he spent countless hours creating.
Because that's what they are; best friends. Even if Jisung's word document currently says otherwise. In some ways, he uses Minho's humming to drown out the reality that he's reached a truly pathetic level of pining.
If the Han Jisung from two months ago was to see him right now, he'd surely draw back in distaste, wondering why on Earth he's considering the other member in a non-platonic manner to begin with. Because that's when it all started – two months ago.
The beginning of the end of Jisung's sanity.
~ Two months prior ~
Han Jisung, in true Han Jisung fashion, finds himself curled up on the couch of his dorm, sunset filtering in through the window, watching an anime. It had been a rare day off for the group, so he presumes that most of the other members went out and did something recreational, like Minho's decision to go fishing with a few friends. Truthfully, Jisung had meant to go for a walk today, and was almost tempted to tag along with Minho, but when he sat down at 10am, remote in hand, he hadn't anticipated the pit he was about to fall into.
It’s almost 7pm, and he's on the last episode. The show is one that was recommended to him by a friend, with an evil smile and the promise that 'the romance is amazing', and Jisung had been gullible enough to believe him. In his defence, how could he have anticipated that a show titled 'Banana Fish' would be the most devastating thing he's ever laid eyes on?
Jisung cried while watching the first episode. And the second. And the third. And, well, you get the idea. By the ninth episode, he was pretty sure that he had run out of tears, only to have to pause the show, walk over to his bed, and sob uncontrollably for 10 minutes straight.
To be fair, the romance (if you can call it that) has, in fact, been amazing. Soul-crushing, but amazing. Jisung hadn't anticipated that it would be between two men, but in the grand scheme of guns and drugs and tragic backstories, it's an insignificant surprise. The only point at which he felt somewhat self-conscious about it was when Minho was preparing to go out, and one of the main characters decided to kiss the other, completely unprompted. From somewhere behind him, Jisung had heard Minho let out a startled, "oh?", and a slight warmth had flooded Jisung's cheeks.
Now, Jisung likes to think that he's quite lucky. Sure, his life has had its hardships, but with his members by his side, he's managed to achieve feats grander than he ever could have anticipated. Right now, however, his luck is doing dubious things, because just as he finishes the final episode, Minho returns home from his day out.
Jisung will later learn that he brought back takeaway for them to share, but currently he is too busy screaming into the couch cushions to register such. His voice is hoarse and somehow his body is still producing tears, and he only registers that there is another human being in his vicinity when a hesitant hand lands on his back.
Jisung lurches up, catching sight of Minho's concerned expression through his clouded vision.
"Hyung~" he whines, falling into the other man's arms without warning, needing the comfort of a non-animated embrace.
Minho lets out a humoured huff, "Sad show?"
Jisung nods, fingers gripping the fabric of his shirt.
It takes a little while for Jisung to calm down and detach himself. During this time, he rambles on and on about the characters and the tragedy befalling them, interspersing angry jabs at some of the villains, but mainly crying over how the story should have ended.
It’s only when they're eating dinner that Minho asks him a question he's clearly spent some time considering, because he says it with his signature I-care-about-this-but-don't-want-you-to-think-I-do tone of voice.
"So the main characters in that anime were gay, right?"
Jisung hums in contemplation, before settling on an answer.
"Well… they definitely loved each other in a more-than-friends kind of way, but it's not technically a… what's the term? Yaoi?"
Minho nods slowly, picking at his food.
"Have you watched any?" he then asks, and Jisung blinks.
"Yaoi," he clarifies.
His tone indicates that he's feeling shy, but Jisung can't understand why he would be.
"No," he answers truthfully, and then after a second, "Have you?"
Minho hums in affirmation, which Jisung supposes makes sense. After all, Minho has been out to the group for multiple years now, and a gay anime fan watching gay anime is like a fork being found in a kitchen.
"The closest I've seen is NANA, are they any good?" He asks, to which Minho shrugs.
"It depends on what you like watching."
The conversation from there spirals into more of a discussion about genre and western television series, but Banana Fish stays in the forefront of Jisung's mind for the rest of the evening. He really wishes that it ended differently, and based upon the reviews he can find online, many other people feel the same.
Lying on his bed, he scrolls through countless different fanarts of the two protagonists, Ash and Eiji, ranging wildly from cute domestic scenarios to tear-jerking depictions of the anime's most horrific scenes. While Jisung has always been head over heels for romance, he typically only indulges in shows with heterosexual main couples. It's not a conscious decision on his part, but rather a byproduct of being a straight man living in a world that prioritises straight couples in popular media.
It's actually rather depressing now that he thinks about it – the wildly disproportionate ratio between shows tailored to him and shows tailored to people like Minho. Maybe he should step out of his comfort zone more often, even if it's simply to show support for his best friend's sexuality.
That aside, Jisung simply cannot get over these two characters. The desire to see them experience a happy ending is entrenched so deeply within his heart that he can't think about anything else. Luckily for him, a certain post catches his eye. It's a fanart, but above it is a link to the website 'Postype'. Jisung has heard of Postype, and knows that it holds an abundance of fan stories about idols, so he never really goes on it. That being said, he could definitely use a story about Ash and Eiji right now.
So, he clicks on the link, and it's all downhill from there.
The story fills a portion of the gap in his chest, and opens his eyes to the fact that reading isn't such an arduous thing after all. He finds it surprisingly fun, perhaps due to the fact that he already knows who is involved in the story, and the general direction that it will go in. There's no need for him to sit down and concentrate on absorbing basic narrative information – it's built into the experience.
Thus, one story becomes two, and two stories becomes seven, and seven stories becomes watching the sunrise peek through the window with the horrific realisation that he needs to get up in three hours.
Suffice to say, he's unproductive in the studio, but he can't bring himself to regret it.
While he does get unnecessarily attached to all of the media he consumes, there was something different and new and exciting about fanfiction – because that is what it was; fanfiction. He's read enough now to start using the correct terminology.
At some point in the night, he had deviated from just Ash and Eiji. Pairings from different anime started being recommended to him, like Sasuke and Naruto from Naruto, and Hinata and Kageyama from Haikyuu. Neither of these pairings had stuck out to him as romantic before, but lying there, overwhelmed by words and idealised love stories, he found himself understanding such interpretations. Naruto spends most of the story worrying about Sasuke, so why can't those feelings be romantic? A significant portion of Haikyuu is centred around Hinata and Kageyama's relationship, so why can't it develop just that one step further?
"Jisung, you're not listening to me," Chan's exasperated voice filters back into his brain, and he snaps out of the thought-induced stupor he was in.
"Sorry," he sheepishly apologises, rubbing the back of his neck and blinking rapidly, "My brain is a bit… occupied."
3Racha have been working on writing lyrics for a few hours now, and sheets of paper are strewn across the desks before them. Chan and Changbin have both proposed some fun and creative ideas, while Jisung's page is full of nothing but blue absent-minded squiggles. Changbin swivels in his chair to face him.
"Well? Are you going to tell us what it is? You've been completely out of it all mor-"
"Gay fanfiction," Jisung reveals before common sense can stop him. It's a weight off his chest, but also the worst possible thing he could have said.
The studio falls silent, and Jisung is suddenly overwhelmingly thankful that it's only the three of them in there.
"I mean-" he rushes to clarify, heat creeping up his neck, "I watched an anime yesterday and the two main characters were definitely in love but it ended really badly so I looked at a bunch of things online and-"
"Jisung," Chan cuts in, a grin now playing on his lips, "It's fine, you can read whatever you want. I won't judge."
"You are definitely judging me."
Chan raises his hands defensively, "I'm not! And neither is Binnie, right?"
"I mean," Changbin says, eyes glimmering, "If you say so."
Jisung's eyebrows furrow into a pointed glare, and he bites back an exclamation of 'He's obviously lying!'. Instead, he settles for a threat.
"If either of you tell anyone, I'll throw your laptops into the Han River!"
Changbin starts to speak again, but Chan cuts him off.
"Noted," he says, "But let's get back to writing lyrics, yeah?"
His body language now mirrors that of a stern father getting in between the squabble of two children, which Jisung thinks is hypocritical since he was clearly participating in the conversation. He doesn't mention this though, and just mutters out a dejected, "Yeah".
Over the course of the next few weeks, Jisung thoroughly regrets letting slip the content of his reading, because he can feel Changbin's knowing eyes on him every time he sits down to scroll on his phone. Now, is Changbin correct in assuming that Jisung is reading fanfiction? Yes, but it's incredibly irritating to have a constant reminder of the absurdity of his new hobby.
Thankfully, in spite of Changbin's taunting, Jisung's interest in fanfiction only deepens as he learns more about it. Postype, he discovers, isn't the only place where he can read Korean fanfiction. Twitter has a lot, and there are also some on a website called Archive Of Our Own.
He finds that he can search for basically any couple he wants and there will be results, but some are a lot more popular than others. He also finds that there are stories about straight couples, and stories where the reader is the love interest, but neither of those options appeal to him. If he wants straight romance, he can just rewatch a K-Drama he likes, and the 'X Reader' stories are almost always tailored towards women, so he can't put himself in the protagonist's shoes.
Homosexuality it is.
Which is honestly kind of bizarre considering his track record of consumed media, but he's not about to complain when he's finally discovered a love for reading. In the back of his mind, he wonders if he should tell Minho. If Minho, as a gay man, would find it weird that Jisung now enjoys reading about non-canon gay ships.
In all honesty, Jisung has learned quite a lot about gayness in general from these stories. Not that he expects them to be fully realistic, but the first time he clicked on a fanfiction labelled 'explicit' was the beginning of a flustering encounter with two men doing things that he hadn't been aware two men could do. He'd come away from that fanfiction red in the face and with an embarrassing heat in his lower body, and belatedly wondered if Minho's hookups actually contained such… positions.
Ever since then, he's been exposed to various similar scenes, and has built up quite a large mental dictionary of gay sex-related terminology. Should he question his desire to read such things? Probably, but he rationalises it with the belief that he's simply pent up from a lack of action, and that written sex is hot regardless of the genders involved, so his interest doesn't reflect anything about his own heterosexuality.
Around two weeks into this new obsession, Changbin finally decides to move on from his disconcerting staring act and instead starts asking Jisung direct questions. It's during one of their dance practice breaks that he wanders over to the other man, slumping down on the couch next to him and casting an eye towards his phone screen. Jisung promptly turns it off.
"What are you reading?" Changbin asks, humour already seeping into his tone of voice.
Jisung scowls.
"Come on~" Changbin nags, shoving his shoulder a little, "At least tell me who you're reading about! Is it Hyunjin? Tiger JK? Or is it… You know who?"
Jisung splutters, arms flailing to grip onto the armrest.
"I- I'm not reading about idols !" he all but hisses, not wanting the other members to eavesdrop.
"Oh?" Changbin responds, and seems genuinely surprised, "Then what are you reading about?"
Jisung buries his head in his hands.
"…Anime characters, like Nana and Hachi. Or Gojo and Geto."
"…Oh," Changbin says, but before he can continue, Jisung's mind has latched on to a new topic, and he springs back up with an accusatory stare.
"Wait, what do you mean 'you know who'?"
Changbin looks away sheepishly, running a hand through his hair.
"Well, there's only really one person who you-"
"Jagi!" A voice cuts through the practice room air, and Jisung looks over to see Minho staring at him from by the door.
"I'm going to get a drink, do you want anything?" he asks, to which Jisung shakes his head.
"I'm alright, but thanks jagi!" He flashes the other man a wide grin before turning back to Changbin, who looks at him with an almost pained expression. He moves to stand up from the couch, brushing off non-existent dust from his sweatpants.
"I believe your question has been answered."
Jisung tilts his head as he walks away, confused. It's only later that evening, while out to eat with Jeongin and Felix, that he finally makes the connection.
"Oh!" His eyes widen and his hands slam down onto the restaurant table, almost knocking over a bowl of rice.
"Lino hyung?!?!"
The other two men startle at the sudden outburst, Jeongin immediately leaning across the table to shush him.
"What about hyung?" Felix asks, and all of a sudden Jisung has forgotten how to speak, mouth gaping open like a fish.
"… Nothing," he settles on, and picks up his chopsticks to continue eating, staunchly ignoring Jeongin's judgemental gaze for the rest of the meal.
Jisung finds that with night time, he loses a lot of his common sense. Not in the sense that he does anything risky or harmful, but that he becomes curious about things he would never be interested in during the day time. The most recent example of this was anime fanfiction and, well, look at him now. So it can't really be blamed on him when, at the ungodly hour of 2:15am, he starts searching for idol fanfiction. Technically, it's Changbin's fault for putting the idea in his head to begin with.
Unfortunately, or actually rather fortunately, Jisung finds idol fanfiction to be lacklustre. Since the people involved aren't part of any story that he's already familiar with, he finds it difficult to connect with their narratives. A story about two popular female idols working in a coffee shop? He can just read NANA fanfiction. A story about the reader falling in love with a mafia boss version of a male idol? No thanks. Two male idol group members falling for each other in an alternate apocalyptic universe? Ok, that concept actually had a kick to it, but the writing was atrocious.
It's nearly 3am when he decides to finally bite the bullet and search for Stray Kids fanfiction. He tells himself that it's all for shits and giggles, and that he isn't going to take any of the stories seriously. After all, based upon what he's seen so far, things are likely going to be completely exaggerated and excessively out of character.
The first story he chooses completely out of spite; a canon-compliant one-shot where Changbin falls for Hyunjin. It's short – only around 4000 words, and according to the synopsis, features various famous Hyunibini moments from Changbin's perspective.
At first, Jisung doesn't let himself get attached to the narrative, instead finding vengeful glee in witnessing the older man's obliviousness towards his own feelings. However, to his surprise, a sadness weaves its way into the interactions, as Changbin goes from playfully flirting to genuinely flirting, with the knowledge that it will only ever be taken as a joke. When, on a livestream, Changbin accidentally confesses his feelings, covering them up with an awkward laugh and backtracking, Jisung has to pause for a moment and put his phone down. He knows, better than anyone else, that Changbin doesn't like Hyunjin in real life… but there's something disconcertingly plausible about everything he's read.
Shaking his head, Jisung decides to move onto something else. This is supposed to be a fun exploration of the internet, not an existential crisis over fictional speculation of his hyung's mental workings. As he considers which group member to go with next, Changbin's words from earlier echo through his mind.
"Or is it… You know who?"
"You know who".
Minho.
Jisung's best friend, his soulmate, his current dorm co-owner.
There'd be no harm in searching for Minho's name, right?
Biting his lip, Jisung types 'LEE KNOW' into the search bar, and an odd tightness settles in his chest as he waits for the results to load. His internet must be failing, because it feels like a decade has passed by the time that his screen is filled with the top results. His eyes dart to the most popular pairing.
LEE KNOW X SEUNGMIN
Jisung frowns. It's not as though he's unaware of their popularity as a duo – after all, the company has made them play into their 'divorced couple' dynamic more times than he can count. People love them together – especially in South Korea, and since he's reading Korean fanfiction, it makes perfect sense that they are right at the top.
It's just that, well… something is off.
Seungmin doesn't call Minho pet names. He doesn't know Minho's habits as well as Jisung does, and he doesn't share any key interests with him. Even though Jisung doesn't like Minho like that, the people who imagine something between him and Seungmin are clearly ignoring the better option.
Then again , a voice says in the back of Jisung's mind, it's not as though I don't flirt with the other members as well. I call Hyunjin the same pet names I call Minho.
Sighing, Jisung presses his lips into a line. He knows it's irrational, but the vibes of Lee Know x Seungmin just throw him off, okay?
He starts scrolling through the top works, and every time that ship enters his vision, an unpleasant sensation bubbles in his gut. Thankfully, it doesn't take too long for him to stumble across a diamond in the rough.
LEE KNOW X HAN
Before he knows it, he's clicked on the link.
-
When Minho stumbles through the front door at 2am, Jisung isn't sure about what to do with himself.
His breath catches in his throat, but his limbs lock in place, and in some ways it feels like the ground beneath him has started to collapse.
Minho's skin is flushed, his dark hair tangled and swept away from his face. His shirt is unbuttoned just enough to expose his chest, and his left hand has a white-knuckled grip on his phone.
Mentally, Jisung is already on the other side of the room, helping Minho get his shoes off while grilling him with the questions that his anxiety-ridden mind conjured up over the better part of the evening.
Where have you been?
Why wouldn't you answer your phone?
Why do you smell like the alcohol that you swore off a month ago?
But Jisung's legs are frozen, and his traitorous heartbeat jackhammers in his chest as though the man in front of him isn't his band member, his best friend, his soulmate whom he would do anything for. He'd stayed up waiting for this very moment, sacrificing the sleeping schedule he'd only just managed to fall into, but now that the moment has arrived, he's stuck. He feels pathetic.
-
Jisung can imagine it vividly – the heavy gaze of the older man, piercing across the room to lock him in place. It's not something that he's ever experienced, and it's not something that he would ever like to. Already, this story is more immersive than the Hyunibini one – probably because it's looking at the world through Jisung's own eyes.
He continues reading, and follows the narrative as his fictional self manages to break free from his paralysed state, rushing over to help his hyung. They make their way into the bathroom, but before Jisung can help Minho get cleaned up, the older man starts to cry, catching Jisung off guard.
-
He falls to his knees, leaning up to gently hold the other's cheek in his palm, forcing their eyes to meet.
"I mean it, hyung. Jagi. I'm here. You're okay now."
Minho's eyes widen, before squeezing shut. Jisung pulls him forward into a crushing, sweaty hug.
It's ironic, how weak Jisung feels as his fingers curl into the fabric of Minho's shirt. How fragile his existence truly seems. Minho's face is pressed into his shoulder, tears wetting his skin, and Jisung should be taking control of the situation, but the selfishness in his heart pierces through to the surface.
It's been two weeks since they last held each other. They had cuddled on the couch while rewatching a Ghibli movie, and Jisung had fallen asleep with his head tucked against Minho's shoulder, and Minho's arm draped around his neck. For a normal person, two weeks isn't a lot, but for Jisung, the days have ticked by like an eternity. It's no secret that he craves skinship more than the average person, but he'd be lying if he said that was the issue at hand.
For the past two weeks, Minho has been avoiding him.
-
Jisung's heart twinges painfully, and the darkness of the room around him seems to amplify. When was the last time he hugged Minho? It surely couldn't have been very long ago. A few days, at most.
Fictional Jisung starts to mentally recount the two weeks of pain he's endured, and his fears that Minho has figured out his feelings. It's realistic, in a way, fictional Jisung's decision to hide his romantic love for the other man. Painful, but realistic.
-
Minho pulls away first.
His movements are uncoordinated, as he shakes off his jacket and tries to unbutton his shirt. His fingers, that normally move with trained precision and agility, fumble, drawing an exasperated huff from his lips. Without thinking, Jisung reaches out to still his hands, taking over the task despite the pressure in his chest telling him to stop.
Minho's gaze bores into him as he slowly unbuttons the white fabric, revealing a sliver of skin that he pointedly ignores. He only realises that he's been holding his breath when he stands back up, turning around to stare into nothing.
-
Jisung's breath hitches, heartbeat stuttering in his chest as he considers where the plot could lead. The image of Minho's shirt in his hands, buttons slowly being undone, sends a flush to his cheeks.
Get a grip, he tells himself, nothing even happened.
To his dismay, the narrative doesn't lead where he thought it would. Fictional Jisung ends up falling asleep in his own bed, while fictional Minho showers.
-
He only realises that he drifted off when he wakes back up, an indeterminate amount of time later. It's to the sensation of a weight shifting the mattress next to him, and the warmth of another body slipping under the blankets. Thoughts hazy and eyelids heavy, he doesn't question what's happening until an arm circles around his torso, and pulls him back against a firm, thankfully clothed, chest.
Jisung's mind is doused in icy water.
-
As though experiencing the scene himself, Jisung can feel a phantom body against his back. He knows he's too immersed in the story, but he can't bring himself to stop reading. Perhaps it's because he's in his bed right now, and the other man is mere rooms away, blissfully unaware. It's almost thrilling.
-
"Why were you out so late?" He asks, and a silence settles between them. Immediately, anxiety starts to bubble in his gut, fearing that he pushed too far.
"Sorry I-" he stutters, "I was just worried since this has happened a few times now, and-"
Jisung cuts himself off, because Minho's nose is now pressed against the back of his neck, hair tickling his skin, and warm breath raising a trail of goosebumps down to his shoulders. Tension spurs in Jisung's limbs as he freezes, jaw clenched, and his heartbeat stutters into a faster rhythm that echoes in his ears. Thankful for the darkness, he can feel his skin rapidly flushing.
-
Jisung swallows, eyes widening. Butterflies wreak havoc in his chest, accompanying a tightly-strung tension that spurs to life in his limbs. It's almost overwhelming, the clarity of his imagination, the feeling of Minho against his neck. The feeling of Minho's breath against his skin.
He's entranced.
Despite the blush-worthy situation, fictional Jisung's thoughts go down an anxious spiral, resulting in more tears and the two men properly cuddling.
-
"It's okay, it's okay," Minho whispers into the night, and only after Jisung's trembling has slowed and his eyes have begun to dry, does Minho lean down to press a light kiss to the top of Jisung's head.
-
Jisung flinches.
Fictional Jisung flinches as well and, concerned, fictional Minho pulls them both into a seated position and turns on a lamp. He says that they need to talk, and apologises for the past few weeks. He reveals that he's been struggling with his feelings, and brings up the night that they'd watched the Ghibli movie – when Jisung had fallen asleep.
-
"As I sat there, it was like time had stopped," Minho says, voice quiet and pace slow, "I knew that I should carry him back to his own room, but I didn't want to. I couldn't stop staring at him. His eyes, his cheeks, his nose…"
Jisung isn't breathing.
Minho swallows, "His lips."
Minho shakily exhales, and adjusts his position against the headboard. When his eyes find Jisung's again, they're full of an emotion that Jisung can't place. When he speaks again, his words are rushed.
"It was like everything else stopped existing. I was overcome by an emotion so intense, so overwhelming that I- I didn't know what to do with myself. It wasn't as simple as affection, or care, or even love, though that was there too. The thought that passed through my mind was that I could die for him. Jisung, I- It was-"
Minho is trembling. In the golden glow of the lamp, his lips are a warm rose colour.
"- It was just so-"
Jisung kisses him.
-
Jisung turns off his phone, and is drenched in shadow. He's breathing heavily, body trembling despite the warmth of his blankets. He can't handle this – it's too much. He can feel it – the unbridled want that courses through fictional Jisung's body. The want to kiss Minho. The want to grip him by the collar and crash their faces together until they are irreversibly melded together.
He puts his phone away, before closing his eyes and pressing a hand to his chest. Breathing should be a simple act, but the knowledge that Minho is so nearby halts any progress he could possibly make in that department.
He could go into Minho's room right now. He could slip under his covers, pull him close, and kiss him on the lips. He could confess his undying love, and change the course of both of their lives forever.
…Jisung decides that he's going insane. Not only would such an act wake the other man up (which is clearly the biggest issue here, since Minho likes to be well-rested and get up early), but Jisung also happens to be straight! He doesn't even like men, or Minho, for that matter, so why would he kiss him?!
Eventually, after minutes of counted inhales and exhales, Jisung's chest remembers how to relax, and tiredness tugs at his eyelids. He resolves to never read fanfiction about Minho ever again, because clearly he can't handle it.
Jisung reads more fanfiction about Minho.
To his credit, he held off for a week!
It's just that, when filming content a few days after… that night , Minho had been making flirtatious remarks towards the other members, and Jisung had been unpleasantly reminded of a certain illogical ship. He had to force a few laughs, and he's pretty sure Changbin noticed, because he cornered him that afternoon while Jisung was chilling in the JYP cafeteria, reading a 16k KawoShin fix-it fic. Changbin slipped into the chair across from him, reaching out to wave Jisung's attention.
"You feeling alright?" He had asked, straight to the point, and Jisung had nodded.
"You sure? This morning you seemed a bit off."
"I've just been feeling tired, is all," Jisung said, and it wasn't technically a lie. Fanfiction had thrown his sleeping schedule completely out of order.
Changbin didn't seem convinced, but he didn't press it, instead nodding his head towards Jisung's phone.
"So, does Minho know that you're reading this stuff?"
"Huh?" Jisung blinked, "Why would that matter?"
"Just because," Changbin said, voice faltering, "You know…"
"What, because he's gay?" A scowl started to form on Jisung's face, fully ready to chew the older man out for his stereotyping.
"No!" Changbin exclaimed, "Well kind of- it's just. Surely he'd also be into this stuff."
Jisung froze for a moment, before bursting into laughter, hand slapping against the table in amusement. Minho? Reading fanfiction?!? A teasing grin pulled at his cheeks when he spoke.
"Sure, hyung. Whatever you say."
Changbin's brows had furrowed and he leaned back, sighing. He looked like he wanted to push the matter, but eventually just shook his head. Their conversation moved on to work and songwriting, and the interaction was mostly forgotten by Jisung until now, a few days later, as he sits, reclined in one of the studio's chairs. He's alone, and taking a break from work. It's only around 4pm, but his brain is frazzled from exertion, and he needs a pick-me-up in the form of self-curated independently published literature.
It's been a week since he read the Lee Know x Han fanfiction, and in that time, he's managed to delude himself into believing that the experience wasn't actually that bad after all. He was just caught off guard because it was so late at night, and he didn't know what he was getting into.
But now he does know, and it's only 4pm, and he's incredibly tempted to give it another go.
Definitely not because Minho had joked about 'fixing his marriage' with Seungmin that morning. Definitely not.
The story that he ends up choosing is vastly different from the first one- he's sensible enough to know that canon compliance is a death sentence. Thus, he chooses a soulmate AU, where both men are university students, and have a tattoo of the first words that they are destined to say to one another.
Fictional Jisung is head over heels at the idea of meeting his soulmate, but has been stuck with a 'Nice to meet you' on his hip bone – the most devastatingly generic statement possible. To combat this, whenever someone greets him for the first time, he makes sure to respond in some bizarrely over-the-top manner, such that there will be no confusion when he finally meets 'the one'.
Fictional Minho comes into the picture for the first time as Jisung enters the university library looking for an obscure journal on 1950s music. He's tucked away in a dark corner, headphones on and laptop out, typing away when Jisung slinks into the nearby shelves, searching.
-
Jisung's nose itches, dust swirling in the air around him as he ruffles though hordes of worn academic journals.
He needs to sneeze.
He doesn't.
He really needs to sneeze.
He does. It echoes throughout the silence of the Library, and Jisung freezes, hoping that there was no one nearby to hear. Darting his gaze around, he almost thinks he's in the clear, until his eyes lock onto a piercing gaze – obscured by shadows but undeterred in its intensity.
It's as though Jisung is pinned in place, as he takes in the appearance of a man sitting mere metres away from him, blending into the library corner like a bat in the night sky.
His hair is dark, swept away from his face by his headphones, but with a few stray strands hanging charmingly over his forehead. Complementing the catlike arch of his eyes, his eyebrows are straight and dark, furrowed slightly as he observes Jisung in turn. His shoulders are broad – discernibly so even through his sweater, and his skin is borderline glowing, and Jisung quickly feels as though the floor is being swept from under his feet.
He's gorgeous.
-
A notification pops up on Jisung's screen, obscuring his view, and he almost swipes it away until he comprehends who the message is from.
Linoring: Let me in
Jisung sharply looks up, and the sound of shuffling outside filters into his brain. Within seconds he's put his phone down and is on his feet, unlocking the studio door to reveal the older man, who pushes his way forwards without so much as a word.
"How did you know that I was in here?" Jisung asks dumbly, as Minho slumps onto the couch. He shoots Jisung a raised eyebrow, as though saying, you practically live in here, where else would I look? Which Jisung supposes is fair.
"I knocked," is what Minho says instead, and Jisung rubs the back of his neck, still standing by the entrance.
"Ah, my bad. I was just... thinking of lyrics?"
Despite the uncertainty in his voice, Minho hums in understanding, patting the empty space on the couch next to him. Jisung falls into it easily, habitually leaning against the other man so that their knees and elbows are snug together. Immediately, all the tension in his body dissipates. It's crazy how that works.
"You weren't dancing," he says after a moment of comfortable silence, because Minho smells like their laundry detergent and not hours of sweat.
Minho nods, stretching his arms out and letting one fall over Jisung's shoulders. The touch is grounding, and from such close proximity, when their eyes meet, Jisung can see the subtle browns hidden in the depths of Minho's iris.
His mind is suddenly cast back to the fanfiction, to the description of Minho's catlike eyes and his gorgeous, piercing gaze. He'd never really considered Minho's face beyond the obvious acknowledgment of his incomparable handsomeness, but clearly the fanfiction author was more in tune with reality than him, because Minho's eyes are incredibly cat-like, gorgeous, and piercing. All three at once, somehow, and Minho is saying something that Jisung isn't registering and he really needs to tune back into reality because he's on the verge of embarrassing himself.
Minho stares at him, waiting for an answer.
"...Huh?" Jisung says with the eloquence of a toddler, to which Minho chuckles, eyes curving into half-moons. The hand hanging limply over Jisung's shoulder darts up to playfully tug his ear.
"I asked if there's something wrong with my face."
"No!" Jisung exclaims, a bit too quickly, "No, you look- your eyes look good. Is all."
Minho raises his eyebrows, and a heat starts to creep up Jisung's neck. Great. Now he's made things weird.
"These are the eyes I've always had, though?" Minho says, and Jisung knows that he's teasing him. He takes the bait regardless.
"I know that! They're just..." Gorgeous? Piercing? Cat-like? God, he can't say any of that without sounding like a smitten teenager. What's a totally normal, heterosexual response?
"... Good. They're just good, okay?"
But Minho doesn't drop the topic, because he's Minho, and Jisung should have known better. Instead he uses his grip around the younger to hold him in place, leaning towards him tantalisingly slowly, ignoring Jisung's half-hearted attempts to break free. If Jisung was any more naive than he is, he'd think that Minho is trying to kiss him, but that's a clear line in their relationship that neither of them have broken, regardless of how they flirt otherwise. Also, Jisung is straight so… yeah. Despite this, Minho gets steadily closer and closer, fingers rough against the back of his head.
"Here," he says quietly, pausing just before his nose can brush against Jisung's own, "Now you can get a better look."
Jisung swallows, heartbeat stuttering in his chest. Minho is right there, and his eyes are boring into him with an intensity that makes him feel so, so small. The words gorgeous, cat-like, and piercing flutter through his brain unhelpfully.
A beat passes.
Jisung jerks away, a loud, awkward laugh tumbling from his lips.
"I was actually planning on heading to the gym," he says, ignoring the weakness in his legs as he hastily stands up. Minho's arm falls away, and he stands up too, seemingly unaffected by Jisung's sudden switch in mood.
"What's the time?" Minho asks, reaching out to check Jisung's phone, since it's still unlocked, on the desk.
It's still unlocked, on the fanfiction, on the desk.
Fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Minho lets out a startled yelp as Jisung shoves past him, snatching the phone up so quickly that it flings out of his hands and onto the floor, which he then dives to get and shove in his pocket.
Another beat of silence passes.
Fuck. Minho had a question. Jisung quickly checks the time.
"4:26," he says, but Minho is looking at him like he's grown two heads, and Jisung doesn't blame him. He needs to come up with an excuse. Quickly.
"It was porn," he blurts, and ignores the new wave of blood rushing to his face. He'd lost all of his dignity when he called Minho's eyes good, so what's a bit more humiliation?
Minho seems to glitch for a moment, eyes widening as he considers the implications of Jisung's words, and a slight redness starts to tint his ears.
Then, he laughs.
"My bad! I should have messaged before coming," he pats Jisung on the shoulder, not even trying to hide his smirk, "I can go, if you want to get back to that."
"Eh?!" Jisung exclaims, whacking Minho's hand away, "I'm not, that's not -- I am actually going to the gym!"
Minho just laughs, but the sound is pleasant enough to offset some of Jisung's embarrassment. He knows his face is likely a deep crimson, but it's too late now to confess the truth.
As it turns out, Minho was only passing through the building to pick up some supplies he left behind, and never planned on sticking around for long anyway. Jisung packs up his things and they exchange goodbyes, though Minho makes it a point to pinch Jisung's cheek and call him cute on his way out. Jisung flips him off.
It's only after Minho has disappeared into an elevator that Jisung lets out a deep breath, slumping against the nearest wall and pressing his palms into his eyes.
Well, that was terrible.
Clearly, reading fanfiction about Minho is destined to bring him nothing but torment. First the whole 3am predicament, and now this. He should just go back to reading anime fanfiction exclusively.
...But at the same time, he really does want to know how this AU ends. Surely one more story won't make that much of a difference?
(It does. He finishes it that night, and starts a Lee Know x Han, vampire x vampire hunter fanfiction immediately afterwards.)
Unlike Jeongin, who has his eyes glued to Twitter every spare minute, Jisung generally tries to avoid their fan-spaces online. It's to keep himself sane, and avoid the inevitable criticism from people he shouldn't care about. That being said, now that he uses Twitter for fanfiction, his algorithm has unfortunately done its job, and has been showing him posts accordingly. This includes, but is not limited to; fanfiction recommendations, fanart of him and Minho doing cute shit, slowed down, incredibly zoomed in videos of him and Minho interacting on stage, texts posts yelling about the latest boddaramji moments, compilation videos of him and Minho doing cute shit with Want so BAD in the background, and fanart of him and Minho fucking. In a completely random order.
It's messing with his ability to use social media in public. At the very least, fanfiction involves large blocks of small text, which people aren't likely to try and decipher from a distance. A looped video of that one time Jisung kissed Minho's neck in 2022 doesn't have that same grace.
On top of this, the other group members have started to notice that something is off with him. Not that there is technically anything off with him… but there kind of is. (There really is).
Ever since giving in to the nagging desire to read fanfiction about himself and Minho, Jisung has had the pleasure of reading about the other man from many different perspectives, and with many different descriptions. Not sexual ones!!! Jisung has staunchly looked away from anything explicit about Minho, despite his for-you-page's wishes. He may have given in to the urge to read more canon compliant works, but he's yet to reach a level of desperation that will seek out Minho-related smut. But regardless of this fact, people who interact with Stray Kids content as a fan will naturally notice things about Minho that Jisung's mind has skipped over, and yell about it on social media, unaware of his prying eyes.
In particular, or at least, what has been messing with Jisung the most recently, is the way that Minho behaves around him.
It's ironic, considering he lives with the man, but Jisung has only now realised how desensitised he is to, well, all of it.
The way that Minho gravitates towards him, no matter what kind of line the group is standing in.
The way that Minho always tries to get Jisung's attention even when they're supposed to be acting professional.
The way that Minho blushes when Jisung accidentally, jokingly steps a toe over the line of their relationship.
The way that Minho looks at him when he knows that Jisung isn't watching.
It's not romantic. Jisung knows that it's not, because Minho comes home with hickeys on his neck frequently enough that he's probably got something serious going on already. On top of this, Minho knows that Jisung is straight, has asked him about the girls that he's interested in, and lets him know if he sees any who fit the description... So there's no way that he likes Jisung. At all.
But Jisung can't get the idea of it out of his head. It's to the extent that one morning, upon bumping into Minho in the hallway of their dorm, Jisung completely forgot what he was supposed to be doing in favour of watching the subtleties in Minho's facial expressions.
It's honestly ridiculous. He needs to get over this broken record in his brain, preferably quickly. Just this morning, Hyunjin had pulled him aside to ask if anything had happened between him and Minho, because Jisung was so distracted. He said no, but since that moment he's been devising a plan.
It's a simple plan, really, but if everything goes well, Jisung will be absolutely certain that Minho is not interested in him, and his mind can be put to rest.
The plan, which he has mentally dubbed the 'Please Reject Me, Hyung!' plan, has three phases.
Phase One: Girls.
Jisung will talk about girls with Minho, asking for relationship advice. If he seems irritated or off put, it's an indication that he likes Jisung. On the other hand, if he's engaged in the conversation and relaxed, he probably doesn't like Jisung, because it means that he isn't saddened by Jisung's pursuit of a relationship.
Phase two: Sex Appeal.
Jisung has been working out recently, and has gained back some of the muscle definition that he'd previously lost. He also has a cool tattoo, good proportions, and big doe eyes, aka, he's pretty damn good looking. Since he and Minho share a dorm, he'll show off his body around the house. If Minho likes him, he'll shy away and avoid being near him because he's flustered. If he doesn't like Jisung, he'll look at him openly and confidently, signifying his assurance in the platonic nature of their friendship.
Phase Three: Compatibility.
This phase will likely be the most difficult to pull off. Jisung will ask Minho subtle questions about his intimate life, to gauge how he exists in relation to Jisung. Since Jisung is straight, if he was gay, he'd obviously top, because that's just how that works. With this in mind, if Minho is also a top, he clearly wouldn't be interested in Jisung because it would be an imbalanced dynamic.
Altogether, it's a foolproof plan, and he decides to set it in action as soon as possible.
As soon as possible, meaning right now. In the dim light of their living room, cuddled up, at 10pm. They'd fallen onto the couch together to watch a few episodes of Naruto, and Jisung had instinctively pressed himself to the other's side. The warmth of Minho's body sinks into his skin, and his head rests on Minho's shoulder, feeling the steady rise and fall of the other man's breathing.
On the television, Naruto laments Sasuke's absence for the thousandth time, and Jisung is briefly reminded of all the NaruSasu fanfics he's read. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wants to write a song about them… but that's not the point right now. He needs to set phase one in action, and he needs to approach it as heterosexually as possible. Maybe he should open with a "Hey man," or a "Hey dude" to really emphasise the platonic nature of the conversation...Though that would surely make things awkward, because Minho has never been just a "dude" to him.
"Hyung?" He says instead, tilting his head to look at Minho's face. Minho responds with a vague "Hm?" but he doesn't take his eyes away from the screen.
"Can I ask you something?"
"About what?" Minho responds, still distracted. From this angle, his eyes reflect the light of the television, making them seem even larger than usual. It's cute.
"Relationships," Jisung says, and can feel Minho's muscles tense under his touch. Not a good sign.
Minho grabs the remote control, lowers the television's volume, and then finally shifts to meet Jisung's gaze.
"What do you want to know?" He asks, voice thankfully completely calm and normal. Jisung takes a deep breath.
"Well, you know how I've only ever casually dated a few girls?" He asks, and Minho nods, "I'm starting to think that I want something more serious."
Minho hums, thinking for a moment before responding.
"You'll have to be careful."
Jisung nods.
"I know, it's just… difficult to be writing all of these love songs, when I don't have a girlfriend of my own, you know?"
Minho lets out a small humoured huff, "…Well I can't say that I do know. But I can imagine."
At this, Jisung's heart bizarrely aches, like someone has reached out to clench it in their fist. He pushes past it.
"Do you think I should find a girl from the company?"
Minho's gaze darts to somewhere in the distance.
"That would make it easier to see her, but other complications arise when you start dating coworkers," he eventually responds, "If things go wrong, your career might be on the line."
"Then, another idol?"
"Maybe," Minho says, "though that could be messy too. It's difficult to date as an idol."
"Don't you?" Jisung asks, and when Minho casts him a confused expression, clarifies, "Date, I mean."
"… You think I date people?" Minho asks with a bewildered tone, and Jisung shrugs.
"Well, every now and again you get back really late, with, um- you know- on your neck-"
Minho snorts, raising an eyebrow, "I'm not dating my hookups, Jisungie."
"Well, I know that, but surely you could, if you wanted to?" Jisung refuses to give in to the embarrassment slowly worming its way into his brain. Minho doesn’t say anything for a moment, lips pursing.
"… For me it's a bit different. If I'm seen with a guy, people probably won't assume we're dating. If we get found out, though… it won't end well."
Jisung kind of wants to slap himself. He should have been more considerate. Before he can respond, however, Minho speaks again.
"-But let's not talk about me. I'm sure that you'll be able to find a girl that's right for you, even though it's difficult. You deserve as much. "
Jisung swallows. In the low light, Minho's face looks softer than usual. More innocent. Jisung's heart feels even heavier, and he looks down at his lap. Minho is being nothing but kind and supportive of him, and for some reason he wants to cry.
"…I suppose you're right," he whispers, before nuzzling his head further into the other man's shoulder and letting out a shaky breath. Minho casts a brief look down at him, but doesn't press it, instead running a light hand through Jisung's hair before turning the volume of the television back up.
It isn't long before Jisung drifts into a dreamless sleep.
So, phase one failed. Luckily for him, there are two more left.
Phase two happens to occur roughly twenty-four hours after the first, since it took all day for Jisung to prepare himself both physically and mentally. Logically, he knows that Minho has seen him shirtless plenty of times, but something about the intentionality behind it this time makes him nervous.
Jisung knows how to look good – it's part of his job. He knows how to bite his lip, run a hand through his hair, and strut cockily across a stage. Despite this, looking good to Minho is different. Nerve-wracking. He supposes it's because Minho is a private viewer, not a stadium packed with fans.
Jisung shaves his stubble and showers. He dries his hair, but makes sure that it's damp enough to fall seductively around his face. He does a few push-ups, and ensures that nothing about his tattoo has mysteriously changed overnight. He's wearing boxers, but he wraps a towel around his waist for show.
Looking in the mirror, he reminds himself of his goal. If Minho likes him, he'll shy away and avoid being near him because he's flustered. If he doesn't like Jisung, he'll look at him openly and confidently, signifying his assurance in the platonic nature of their friendship.
Jisung takes in a deep breath, slowly exhaling, before walking out of the bathroom.
Despite the late hour, Minho stands at the kitchen stove, cooking a pot of ramyeon. The scent is both mouth-watering and incredibly distracting, and Jisung finds himself leaning over the other man's arm to get a glimpse at the dish. Minho lightly shoves him away.
"Don't worry, there's enough for both of us…" he says, trailing off because he's turned to look at Jisung, and discovered him in all of his half-naked glory.
Minho's eyes widen, doing an incredibly obvious once-over, and hovering a bit longer over Jisung's chest before darting back to his face. Jisung pretends that he didn't notice anything, instead moving to lean himself against the kitchen island, muscles slightly flexing.
To his surprise, Minho scoffs.
"Forgotten what clothes are, have we?" he says, and Jisung fights a blush.
"You think I'm hot," he bites back, to which Minho shrugs, the corner of his lips twitching up. The words sit in the air for a moment, and Jisung realises that Minho is being serious.
"… You're supposed to deny that, by the way," he says, voice significantly less confident than he would like it to be.
"Why would I deny the truth?" Minho retorts, turning back to stir the ramyeon.
"I don't know. Because we're friends?" Jisung weakly attempts, but he knows that he's lost whatever this conversation has become. This has been a very short, very unsuccessful interaction.
Minho finishes what he's doing, turning off the stove before directing his attention once again to Jisung, who hasn't moved an inch. He walks over, and without warning, cages him against the counter.
Suddenly, Jisung is hyper aware of the fact that Minho is fully clothed, while he is not. Suddenly, he finds it very hard to breathe.
Minho's eyes move slowly across Jisung's face, taking in his shocked expression with amusement. Then, he looks to Jisung's tattoo, gaze lingering, and Jisung's legs feel inexplicably weaker. He's read enough fanfiction to know where this goes, and he isn't sure if he's ready.
Against his expectations, Minho does nothing more, instead moving away to grab two bowls, leaving Jisung a blushing mess behind him. Jisung really is a bit pathetic. He was supposed to be the cool, sexy presence in the kitchen, but somehow a completely clothed, unsuspecting Minho has outdone him. Curse Minho for being effortlessly hot. Curse fanfiction for putting dirty images in his head. He really needs to cleanse his brain.
Just like that, Phase Two was over, and Jisung still isn't sure of what to make of it. Minho wasn't shy, or flustered, but he was definitely not… uninterested. Then again, flirting isn't a new thing between them, so if anything, Jisung is the one mentally blowing it all out of proportion. Now, all he has to do is phase three, and then he'll have his answer. He'll know for sure whether or not Minho's feelings towards him are platonic.
He needs to be stealthy, observant, and calculated. He needs to ask questions that seem innocent on the outside, but contain subtle prying nuances that speak to his true curiosity. He can do this. He's capable.
"Hyung, are you a top or a bottom?"
Minho falters in his step, stopping to pin Jisung with an incredulous stare. In the mid-afternoon sun, the immediate tint of redness to his ears is clear as day, and he glances around, ensuring that the streets around them are empty. They are – Jisung wouldn't have asked such a prying question if they weren't, and he takes a sip of his bubble tea before continuing.
"I'm just curious. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, though."
Minho blinks a few times, before running a hand through his hair and tightening his grip on his own drink.
"How do you even know what those terms are?" He asks, voice slightly strained, and Jisung thinks it's endearing how flustered he is. Especially after the mess that was Phase Two.
"Hey, I know stuff!" He huffs, but a smile fills his cheeks, "And I really am just curious."
Minho fixes him with his I-don't-really-want-to-do-this-but-I-will-because-it's-you expression, and Jisung's heart rate picks up. This is the information he needs, the final piece of the puzzle. If Minho is a top like him, all of his worries can be put to rest.
"If you have to know-," Minho says, though it comes out as more of a sigh than actual words.
Please say top, please say top, please say top, please-
"- it changes depending on how I'm feeling, and who I'm with."
Ah. A perfectly unhelpful answer.
"Surely you're more inclined towards one, though?" Jisung pries, and Minho looks as though he can't believe this is a genuine conversation that they are having.
"… Well if I had to choose, I'd say top. But that's just because I generally prefer to have more…control, in those situations."
YES! I knew it!
"Ah, I see," Jisung says calmly, fighting back a smile while chewing on a tapioca pearl, "I think I'd also top. Hypothetically."
At that, Minho looks like he wants to say something, but eventually just shakes his head. He reaches out to grab Jisung's arm and starts walking down the footpath again.
"Let's get back. I'm going to fry pretty soon."
It’s only been a day since Phase Three went down, but Jisung feels…odd. Sure, he’s happy about the success of his plan, and the confirmation that Minho doesn't have any feelings for him, but actually considering the implications of such has led him to a weird state of existence.
Minho doesn't like him.
Jisung isn't an idiot, he knows that Minho likes him platonically, as his best friend and soulmate, but he doesn't like him romantically… which is how it should be. So why is Jisung tearing his hair out over it?!?
"Can you tilt your head up a bit?" The makeup artist asks, and Jisung complies. They’re only filming a short promotional video, but as always, makeup is a must. In the mirror, he can see Minho and Seungmin on the other side of the room, scrolling on their phones.
He doesn't like Jisung.
He doesn't like Jisung.
He doesn't like Ji-
"Jagi!" He calls out before he can stop himself. Minho looks up questioningly, eyes locking with Jisung's reflection. Sudden, overwhelming relief floods Jisung's veins, as though a heavy weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Everything is okay, because nothing has changed. Minho is still his Jagi. Minho is still – still his.
"… Nothing," Jisung says, and Minho looks back down.
A small smile tugs on Jisung's lips.