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A thoughtful Tobio looked at the sheet full of cursive handwriting that he could not quite understand, he had begged Tsukishima for days to teach him English, otherwise he would fail and could not go to the games and, although he had refused countless times, he ended up giving in due to the great insistence not only of Kageyama himself but also of the entire volleyball team.
And there they were, an ape and a monkey trying to coexist.
Kageyama scratched his head, doubtful if he understood what that sheet of paper said.
"So?" Kei asked, looking at him with a raised eyebrow, an underlying smile forming on his face. Tobio's face was a poem, beyond being simply beautiful it was a stupid face, silly thanks to his poor understanding of things.
"Uh.." His eyes wandered from the sheet, to the subject in front of him; he coughed loudly. "It might be pronounced.. you know "We have many similarities, we complement each other"" An unsure Tobio read the sheet, reluctantly and with little understanding of the sentence Tsukishima had written for him.
"It's wrong. You pronounce it like you have an egg in your mouth" Kei shook his head, laughing briefly.
It was the first time Tobio heard his laughter, it was the first time Kageyama made him laugh and so there, he went along with it.
"You don't know anything! My pronunciation is perfect!" he clarified, looking away embarrassed; Tsukishima looked at him with more attention while tilting his head like a dog.
"It's amazing that the king can't concentrate on anything but volleyball!"
He would have liked to counter that, but that was a vile reality about himself.
Everyone knew it, he loved volleyball more than anything, his studies didn't matter, his friends didn't matter, nothing mattered if he could play volleyball.
That was everything to him, that was his everything.
They could take everything away from him, his identity, his reason for being, his personality, his being but he would never give up volleyball, it was his salvation, his happiness.
And he loved it more than anything.
Kei's laughter was a roar louder than his thoughts.
"God should see your face, you're so stupid King!" he commented amusedly, turning back to the sheets to look for something among his notebooks.
Oh.
It seemed Tobio had more to love than volleyball.
****
Time moves on, people move on, life moves on.
If you don't move on, life passes you by like a truck with no brakes, the feelings, the nostalgia and everything you once felt will stay with you but that truck will continue on its way aimlessly.
Someone or something had to give it direction.
Time had passed, Tobio and Kei were getting closer and closer with the silly excuse of "extracurricular English classes". Yes it was true that Kageyama had not improved in the least in the subject, but being with Kei was better than passing anything.
Even playing volleyball with him had become enjoyable and that was a new feeling for him. He never expected to enjoy playing with Kei Tsukishima, an unbearable blond.
His unbearable friend.
He knew he had very few friends, he didn't deserve more and he didn't ask for more because the ones he had were enough, his friends and almost family of the Karasuno, his complement beyond volleyball.
The crows that only he could make fly higher and higher.
Passes came and went, the gym was full of balls because they were practicing again, he made passes, received, finished, fell, jumped, ran. All of it.
He wanted to be able to cover everything.
"Take a break king, you can't do it all alone" the hand on his shoulder brought him back to earth. He always brought him back to earth.
A worldly smile on his face, his hair a little sweaty, a bottle of water lying in his hand, handing it to him kindly.
Tobio never knew when Kei's attitude started to change with him, never knew when he started to be so kind when it hadn't even happened with his best friend Yamaguchi.
Not that it bothered him, but it provoked something different in him.
Tsukishima made him feel like he did when he played volleyball and that was a strange thing for him.
He thanked with a brief nod, heading to the corner of the gym to sit down and drink from the bottle of water given to him earlier, the blond sat next to him.
Sometimes he wouldn't leave him alone, but it didn't bother him.
Kei started talking, criticizing Hinata, making him laugh, he commented things about her nefarious serves, that she looked like an imperative smurf and that he was even worse when he was with Tanaka.
Sometimes he would talk to him, but it didn't bother him.
They started chatting, about practice, about their extracurriculars after they got out of practice, cooled off a bit and got back before they were scolded.
Sometimes he made him laugh, sometimes he worried about him, sometimes they spent time together, sometimes he took his mind off it more than volleyball, but he didn't mind it.
I mean, he absolutely loved him.
He loved him, loved that. Much more than volleyball itself, much more than any setter he had ever admired.
Loved setting, loved playing, loved chatting with Tsukishima, loved watching his players flying when he set up, loved being with Kei.
He loved, loved and loved.
But could he himself recognize that feeling?
How could Tobio feel that when he didn't even have the right to love anything?
Let's say, he wasn't cute, he had feminine features, he couldn't smile, his breathing occasionally faltered in training.
Because he himself was forgetting what an abomination he was.
The binder that squeezed his insides looking for his breasts to disappear from their place, his volleyball shorts bigger than they should be, the long sleeve shirt he wore under his shirts so as not to be seen, so as not to be caught. So as not to feel judged.
It was an internal secret between Shoyo, Daichi and him. No one else should or could know.
Many times in the same team they had highlighted his pretty feminine features, that he was someone delicate in every way and that bothered him.
He wanted to be masculine, to feel masculine, to be tough. As much as what they said about him was not a bad thing, he didn't want to be.
His heart melted in his thoughts, squeezed between his bones thanks to the binder taking effect, leaving him breathless, sweat continuously running down his shaved sideburns, wow, that didn't feel good.
It wasn't muscle pain, it was something beyond that.
He was feeling things beyond volleyball, he was feeling in love with Kei.
He is. He's in love.
And that was doing nothing but fucking with his poor, indelible head, because he wouldn't be enough.
"Kageyama? Are you okay?" was what a short boy with orange hair asked.
Inevitably making the blond turn towards them.
He couldn't really know.
Only when the ball slipped out of his hands accidentally, for the first time in so long his positioning was bad.
He could die right there for that simple fact.
"Huh?" I ask confused when Shoyo and Daichi are practically on top of him, moving him over to the benches putting a towel on his head.
"You should go and take that thing off, you're not breathing right. You know what we said about not wearing it when you sleep, Tobio this is affecting you." Daichi speaks in his ear to pat his head twice and retreat with the others, without making too much fuss.
"He's tired, he was running around with Hinata last night" commented the brown-haired one, continuing with the training as if nothing.
But that wasn't it, Kageyama didn't want that.
He hadn't used his binder at night, he hadn't pressed his breasts so that they were almost invisible, he hadn't done that.
He had begun to feel something new and it was making him impatient.
This wasn't like a new combination in volleyball, this wasn't something he could pull off lightly together with Hinata.
No, this was something new.
He grabbed Shoyo's shirt before he kept walking. A single glance was enough for the latter to tilt his head hesitantly, asking with his big brown eyes.
"I feel something Shoyo.. in my heart, it's not right" He said, as if he was almost sick, his eyebrows curved inward in a single gasp made Shoyo realize how weird his best friend could be.
"In your heart, aren't you about to die, are you going to die Kageyama!" his voice was rising as he spoke, mad, almost paranoid.
The team members didn't even turn their heads, it was typical drama from these two and boy did they not want to get into it, unless another furry needed to fly off.
"Could I die?" he asked in dismay, scared. "It doesn't hurt.. but it's like you know, when I do a good placement and you finish it off perfectly.. it feels like that! But I'm not placing and you're not finishing it off and.. I don't know, only Tsukishima causes me that off the court."
He ran his hands over his face in confusion, his bushy hair wetting his forehead.
He needed to cut his hair, he needed to cut his hair.
Then, Hinata laughed so hard it almost ruptured Tobio's eardrum, a condescending smile appeared on his face, knocking his elbow with his back higher.
"I didn't know you could feel such things Kageyama! You look so dumb whenever this is new! Though you still look stupid now!" he reminded and analyzed, bringing a hand to his chin laughing with the final touch of grace.
"Hinata you idiot!"
The shout echoed throughout the gym. That meant to everyone that they already had to stop the little break the two had decided to have.
****
Confused feelings, strange actions and self-doubt.
Possibly that was a perfect definition of what Tobio was going through at that moment.
He was playing in his own room with a volleyball, pensively. It was the only time of the day when he could concentrate and simply think. Now he was allowed to think after that moment.
He sighed, taking the ball in his hands and tapping his forehead lightly against it in frustration.
His heart was weird, it wasn't the ball he was playing with.
What is it, what is it, what is it?
He moved to the side, looking at the ground which seemed to be more interesting, his phone vibrated and he picked it up vaguely.
It was a message from Kei.
And that was important.
Then, his indelible myocardium sped up with little sweetness, thumping the bones in front of him, dulling whatever organ functioning inside him, this was the one that stood out the most.
But it was kind of silly, because Kei would only ask if they would see each other next class and he would evidently say yes, because after Kei there was nothing more important.
And that kept repeating in his head without rampage, he had a list of important things and boy were they few.
"Volleyball, Curry, Milk, Kei."
Simple, concise and important to follow, nothing could be missing or he might fall into madness.
Kei was last on his list, but it was important nonetheless. Because it was the best part, better than drinking milk, better than eating curry, better than doing placements.
Although if the collocations were going to him, nothing could top it.
Learning English with him was fun, especially since he didn't learn anything and they concentrated on talking about them. Kei is a very calm person, he would never have imagined it since they had always tended to fight like elementary school children.
Seeing Kei laughing was better than playing volleyball.
Even if most of the times he died laughing it was because of his stupidity, he preferred to be an idiot all his life and never stop hearing that silly, irritable laugh.
His hands moved on their own, grabbing the phone.
"Are you there?"
The answer was obvious, he would always be there.
He answered simply, half of his face was being squished by the pillow, blocking his view a bit.
"Yes."
"What's the matter?"
Was all he answered, the little text bar that told him he was typing appearing and disappearing frequently, inevitably making him nervous.
"I'm outside your house, open the door for me."
Then, Tobio panicked.
He was wearing a large sweater but he wasn't wearing his binder, it was dirty so he had decided to wash it himself, boy did he make the worst decisions at the right times.
His breathing quickened, it was still 20 minutes before the dryer finished its job. He couldn't leave Kei out for twenty minutes.
Although that didn't seem like a bad idea...
He rummaged through his things for a tight little top, pulling it on under his sweater in desperation. He couldn't let anyone know that, he shouldn't and he knew it.
He had spent too much time hiding it to be discovered and invalidated in vain. He wouldn't let that happen.
As much as he knew his friends, he knew for a fact that it wouldn't be the same, he knew they wouldn't see it the same, he knew that because he had lived it. When Oikawa rejected him for being the abomination that he was, for being different and feeling different.
His eyes slowly watered from just thinking about it, he felt the food he had previously eaten rise in his throat.
But he knew that wouldn't happen again, because Kei wasn't like that. Kei was not Oikawa.
He sighed and walked slowly to the door to open it carefully.
It was common knowledge to all his friends that his house was usually alone, there was only his sister and him, she tended to work most of the day, so he hardly ever saw her.
At first it bothered him, but he learned to be alone.
As soon as he opened the door a desperate Kei clung to his body, Tobio didn't react until seconds later, his brow was furrowed, but he slowly stroked Tsukishima's back.
This was new.
"I had a fight with my brother" He clarified, separating embarrassedly.
Tobio frowned at him, pulling him by the wrist almost forcing him through, closed the door behind himself and looked at him.
"And why did you come to me?" he asked, dismayed. As if Yamaguchi wasn't his best friend and most trusted person. He was nobody in the face of that.
Kei scratched the back of his neck uncomfortably at the question.
"Because you understand me, king... I don't want to talk about it."
But Kageyama was shocked beyond belief, because Tsukishima had a blush on his face and looked incredibly pretty with a carmine color painted perfectly on his cheeks.
Tsukishima pretty? Tobio thought, a shiver ran down his back in fear. His perspective of him was changing without knowing why and it scared him.
So Tobio ushered him in, ignoring entirely how the clothes squeezed his breasts, allowing him to breathe little and practically nothing.
And Kei accompanied him, they ate something and had played a little volleyball in the courtyard at Kageyama's request.
Their tired bodies were sweating around in the cool evening breeze, breathing hard, clinging to the oxygen in the air as if they were really lacking in their entire bodies.
Kei's cold body thanks to the blizzard fell into the grass, her blonde hair sprawled across it, gazing with her beautiful honey eyes into Tobio's, almost cutting him off with her gaze. The light favored him, the angle favored him.
Kei looked gorgeous.
And that stopped scaring Tobio, because her beauty overshadowed every other feeling.
Kei's lips glowed in the light hanging to the ceiling of the courtyard, he could see a distinct light coming from Tsukishima's whole body. He could be her light.
"My brother and I fight often," he commented, playing with the grass between his fingers.
"You don't have to talk to me about that if you don't want to." Tobio blurted out, sensible to the situation. He didn't want to force him into anything.
"I want to.. I want to, I like talking to you" His seriousness made Kageyama, slowly tilted his face towards him, looking at him in more detail. "When I was younger.. I looked up to him more than anyone else, I blindly believed everything he told me so.. I don't know, he was my favorite person in the whole world; he was until I found out he was a pathetic liar." The last sentence sounded choked and angry, slowly plucking the grass between her fingers to put it down again and wipe her hand a little.
Tobio then wanted to move closer, hesitantly he slowly moved his feet, stopping when he saw that Tsukishima still had things to say.
"I was so upset when he did it.. that I didn't talk to him for years" He laughed, wiping away a fleeting tear that fell down his left cheek "I hate lies, I don't like them." He clarified, running his hands through his hair "You would never lie to me right, Tobio?"
And that question rendered him entirely mute.
Kageyama could feel his throat slowly dry up crying out to be filled, as if a desert had passed by leaving them simply to themselves.
A chain tied around his neck forced him to be silent forever.
He didn't want to lie to her, he shouldn't, he couldn't.
"Kei, I.." he swallowed hard, dropping his elbow on the grass to look at him "I would never.. I would never lie to you" he spoke seriously, looking him straight in the eyes.
Kei's pupils dilated sharply, Tobio even if he was enchanted by the sight, even if he loved seeing Kei and even if he was completely in love with him, he would have to tell the truth.
"That's why.. I want to tell you the truth, right now" He lay down as he did, staring at him and finding that curiosity in his pupils.
"I..."
"I'm not a boy like everyone else, as much as I'd like to be, Kei. I'm not someone normal, I'm not like everyone else. I'm trans. I wasn't always a boy and... I might not be one at all ever, but you know... it's what I am."
His closed eyes denoted his superior fear, he could almost shake with panic. This was beyond him.
A technically uncomfortable silence pervaded the atmosphere. The sounds of the streets, the crickets and people walking as they talked took a back seat the moment Kageyama released that reality about himself.
Kei closed and opened his eyes, almost in disbelief.
Tobio bit his lip looking down at his hands playing with each other, waiting for a response but in this case, there was nothing.
Nor was there going to be anything for him.
He listened as Kei stood up without a word.
Was he angry with him now? Had he done something wrong?
"So I.. think I... better go!" Awkwardly the blond said, to almost run away from there.
Tobio didn't move, nor did he say anything.
The crystalline tears slipping down his cheeks were enough to express whatever came out of his mouth.
***
Time had passed, eating away at the people who were willing to stay behind without doing anything to go forward.
Winter had arrived, shedding with it all the autumn leaves that the trees possessed, leaving simply dry, cold, snow-filled trees.
All full of clothes to seek their own warmth thanks to the freezing blizzards that the weather produced, everything was cold, everything was silent.
Everything but Tobio's mind, it was the only thing that did not seem to keep quiet, unsure of his feelings, unsure of himself, unsure of his own secret.
More than a month had passed since that event, Kei, no matter how much Tobio looked for him, had never spoken to him again, he seemed to escape from him, he didn't even meet him on regular school days, never.
And that made him feel utterly miserable. Did he hate him for what he was? Did he disgust him and that was why he ran away from him?
At volleyball practice they no longer chatted, they no longer saw each other, nothing happened anymore.
At least on Tsukishima's part.
Because Kageyama was no longer looking to disguise anything, he was looking for him, asking about him, looking at him all the time. But Kei couldn't care less.
So, that December 17th, being their last day of classes, leaving late from their last training of the year, all euphorically tired and with their minds elsewhere, they left as if their life depended on it.
But this time Tobio decided to stay a little longer, tired of his own loneliness at home.
When he finally came out minutes after the others, he could find a blond hair coming out of the locker room.
Now Kei and Tobio were facing each other.
There was no one else, no excuses, no way to escape.
They were together now and Kageyama needed to confront him.
"Tsukishima! I need to talk to you!" He spoke, running quickly towards him.
But Kei ignored him and that was the most painful thing to see him again. He tugged at his arm, trying to get him to stop his erratic walking.
"Please.." he gasped pitifully, his eyes watering unintentionally, he didn't want to cry but this time he couldn't help it.
"What do you want, King?" He spoke, being dismissive.
"I uh.." His voice was cut off by the bad treatment "Why have you been ignoring me?" His voice came out in a small whisper, as if he had been strongly scolded.
Kei raised his eyebrow in doubt.
"I haven't been ignoring yo-"
He was interrupted by Tobio.
"You have! I.. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, if it was what I told you the other day please Kei.... Don't.. don't leave me because of that" she clung to his clothes, forcing him to stay with him.
He knew he couldn't force him, but he needed Kei to stay.
He needed someone to finally show him that everything for once would be different.
"Kageyama.. let go of me." He asked, grabbing the other's arms with his hands, trying to push him away being almost impossible because the brunet didn't seem to be willing to let go.
"I don't want to.. please don't pull away from me, please Kei.." He begged, his head lowered, unable to help but look at the ground avoiding his tears.
All was silent until Kei let out a frustrated sigh, for the first time Kageyama raised his head in confusion.
But Kei was looking at him differently.
He was looking at him as if it was absolutely nothing.
"I don't understand you, Tobio." He commented, almost in disgust "I don't understand what you are, I don't think it's right.. you.. you're not what I thought, you're different, I see you differently now."
Oh.
≠
Tobio looked fearfully at Oikawa, who was holding him by the shirt tightly, looking at him with disgust.
"Please... Oikawa-san let me go.." He asked almost choked, grabbing with his small hands the chestnut's hands tightly.
"You're disgusting, Tobio don't you see? You're just a woman wanting to be a man, it's pathetic."
Pathetic.
Tobio was pathetic.
If Oikawa, the person he admired and who was most important in his life said so, then it was true wasn't it?
"You'll never be a man" he spoke, releasing him as he let him fall among the ball storage, hitting his back hard against the metal.
"You should be disgusted with yourself."
He did, he did disgust himself.
It wasn't something he had discovered overnight, it wasn't something he felt the need to hide. Not until that moment.
Where everyone seemed to look at him with disgust for being different.
Where even he repulsed himself for being what he was.
He regretted so much, being born this way, being this way, everything he was.
Tobio was disgusted for being different, because girls don't think they're boys and because boys don't think they're girls.
And he thought he was a boy. He wanted to be a boy.
He wanted it so badly that he cut his hair, he wanted it so badly that he wanted to cut off his breasts, he compressed them until he left himself breathless. He wanted it so badly that he worked out day and night to create muscles that would make him look masculine.
He wanted it so badly that he left his whole life behind to become something new.
He wanted vindication, he wanted to be himself for the first time.
≠
"You.. I like you so much, Kei!" he commented through tears and struggled, making everything stop instantly "I am in love with you" he sniffled with his nose "I have been since you called me king for the first time, I have been since you accepted me as I was even when you didn't know me well.. you helped me without knowing it and I am so in love with you, you are beautiful.. I truly love you."
His red eyes almost crossing to the crimson of his blood were denoted in the dark lagoon that was the night.
But Kei's eyes were terrified at what they had just heard, pushing Kageyama hard until he fell.
"You make me sick, Tobio. Stay away from me, I don't like you. I don't like girls who think they are men."
Kei spoke in disgust before walking away.
That was it, wasn't it?
He was done with him, with his feelings and with himself.
So if he were a woman, would Kei like him? If he were a real man, would Kei be in love with him?"
He stood slowly, remembering Oikawa's blows, how badly he was treated before.
He remembered it when he met the same look from Tooru on Kei.
Nothing was going to change with someone as naive as him.
That was all.
But it was her fault because who was he to be in love?