Work Text:
Hi… I don’t know what or how to start this. I just feel lost I guess. I found you underneath a bunch of junk. No, not junk but old things that were left long forgotten. It’s funny when I got you I didn’t have the urge to write to you but now that there are things I need to talk about you are all I can see. Life has gotten a bit weird, those who I thought were always going to be in my life are slowly starting to walk away, like a wave crashing onto the shore. One moment they are all there and the next I am seeing them go back to where they came from; Friends to strangers again. But the one thing that I seem to always get wrong is how to approach the one I call my first love. The man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, someone who I always thought would remain the same. I guess as I watched him grow and become more confident? Open? I don’t know how to describe it but he was no longer the same boy that I had fallen in love with. He was a stranger to me, I felt lost. This new version of him, I didn’t know how I would fit into his life. The old Korn, I was his partner. Someone he would lean on and would always turn to. But this new version has others he could lean on. New friends, new acquaintances and even new “rivals.” It’s weird he was never a violent man, no he was my sweet and sensitive boy. You know he cried because he thought I was going to leave him, when he did all I could think was how cute he looked. He would always look at me with his big brown eyes, always so hopeful and with a glimmer of adoration. I always thought he would look at me, but one day I noticed that he stopped looking at me, he kept his eyes downcasted. Truth be told it was my fault, I started being cold to him. Wondering if what we had would even last anymore. Honestly it was my fault, I looked for him in another and I pursued that person. I broke the heart of the man I claimed to love all because I couldn’t handle the thought that in some possible future he would stop loving me the way he did. What hurt even more was that he knew I was being unfaithful but he kept trying to hold on to me even when it hurt him. He kept giving me chances to come clean and tell him I made a mistake, but I avoided it. I pretended not to know and I kept seeing this other person. Truth be told, I think I might have fallen for her. I think what I loved about him, I see in her as well. I don’t know how to explain it, but it’s selfish, I know to love someone only because they love me. I think it’s time I left Korn because I can’t keep hurting him and being the reason that he’s been drinking his health away. You know Diary, he was sick once. I was there for him and I continued to be there until I stopped. I can’t believe I stopped caring for someone who kept loving me through his own pain. I just hope that Korn can one day forgive me.
Until next time Tee.