Chapter Text
I forget my own name sometimes.
You can call bullshit on it all you want, but it's true. That's what happens when nobody fucking uses it. Even the mail I get just lists my address. I am a person unknown.
Normally, this is the time when the protagonist describes themselves so that the reader can picture in their mind what they look like because some of you have active imaginations, unlike me.
Too bad. I don't have a description that would satisfy you. What do I look like? I have hair, I wear clothes, and I'm so and so tall and weigh so and so. Haven't looked in a mirror recently, so I forgot what I look like. Hell, I even sometimes forget there is a person on the other side of that mirror.
Hell, why even bother giving you my sex? Sure, I can look in my pants and tell you if it goes out or if it goes in, but we all know that today's climate means that it doesn’t matter. Yeah, wahoo, people can be true to themselves and be trans or xgender or fucking whatever, but you forget the people like me. You forget that making your identity a journey means that people like me get lost in the fog and lose whatever sense of pathetic self they had remaining.
If you must call me something, then just pick something. I don't care. They're not gonna put it on my tombstone, so why bother being picky? I doubt I’ll even have one. I can’t think of anyone who’d visit it. My family will be long gone before I am. Leaving someone behind to miss me? Yeah, right.
You see, I find that everyone forgets your existence unless they can use you to stroke their own egos. Everything in this world is an exchange. You make a choice, and you’ll pay the price for it. Everything you do has consequences, and everyone’s only got one life, so why waste time on someone who doesn’t matter to you?
Those people never truly cared about me. They just cared that they could say they cared when people asked. That’s what they had to gain.
Their names will be remembered. People will care about them. Not me. Never. It's always the hero. Always the villain. Never the background character. Never people like me.
I will be, and always have been, existing. Just existing.
But here's the interesting part of my story. Two words.
Total Drama.
It was in the middle of a rainstorm. I was just mindlessly changing channels, hoping that one of them had the best white noise. And all of them sucked. But as I was channel surfing, I found the holy grail.
Total Drama Island had a marathon of their entire first season as a promotion for the finale. 24 hour block. Never before seen extra scenes, new confessionals, exit interviews, how those at Playa de Losers felt about the game everyone else was playing after each episode, and some funny moments that happened between shooting, all leading up to Gwen vs Owen. The final episode.
… then Owen decided to gamble for a chance at one million.
… then that briefcase got eaten by a shark.
…then the announcement of season two: Total Drama Action.
… then, a whole new series of relationship drama, strategies, and a few sprinkles of comedy.
…then an aftermath show.
… then a new season: Total Drama World Tour, with two new introductions. One of them was another super fan like me. They were the first debuts in the show’s history since TDI.
When I heard they were doing another season with a whole new cast and open applications, I sent one in, hoping desperately for a spot. Unfortunately, I wasn’t accepted.
I wasn’t accepted for Pahkitew Island, either.
I wasn’t accepted for the Total Drama Spin-Off, Ridonculous Race.
Nor was I accepted for any of the seasons produced thereafter, all the way up to today.
“And the winner of this season of Total Drama and the one million dollar prize is…. Priya!”
“YES! Mom, Dad, I did it, I - I won!”
Total Drama has existed for so long that a child born after Total Drama originally aired could grow old enough to compete and win the show, the dream of any super fan.
But, no matter how many times I applied, I didn’t even get a callback.
It makes me feel like I’m from a bygone era, that my life has passed me by. It was the one thing I wanted more than anything. And now I’ve seen another accomplish that dream before my eyes. I lost the chance to see how to develop myself in a reality show. To finally do something with my life, like destiny decided to toy with me.
I thought attending the Total Drama Official Watch Party would make me feel better. A massive party in a rented-out movie theatre where all twelve theatres were filled, watching the live broadcast. One thousand dollars a ticket unless you were an alumni. I don’t know why I went. I never liked parties. While everyone else was cheering, I couldn’t help but put my head down. Like that could’ve or should’ve been me instead of her. I was envious of a kid half my age.
I feel a hand on my shoulder. Delicate and slender, a woman’s hand.
As I turn my head to face her, my nose gets caught in long red hair.
Backing up slightly, I find my eyes staring blankly at two green voids and a cocky, primal grin.
Isabella Connelly, Total Drama’s “Psycho Hose Beast”... is looking at me.
What does she want with me?
I don’t really care.
I’m doing everything I can to contain my excitement and curiosity.
The redhead tilts her head. “Surprised to see me again?”
“Yes.”
I’m surprised anyone wants to see me.
“I can’t believe you. I’m so hurt,” Izzy acted like I had just stabbed in the chest, stumbling and sticking her tongue out of the side of her mouth.
“You know what I mean,” I clarify, smiling slightly. “I just can’t believe you remember when we first met. That was years ago.”
Izzy giggles. “I know, I know. I remember it just like it was a century ago. You were walking by me completely mindlessly, a real fly on the wall. I almost swatted you! And then I came with a death rat in my hands, which, by the way, was a gift for one of my family members. And then you bumped into me, and then I told you who I am and that the Rat’s name was Freddy, and then you squealed. A lot. We went for some coffee, but then I needed to run since the police were chasing me because the rat was actually someone’s pet. And then I said ‘Call me!’ but then I remembered I didn’t send you my phone number! But other than that, life has been good for me!”
“Yeah,” I breathe, holding back my excitement. “You’re still my idol.”
“Thank you! I didn’t think I would be a fan favorite, but apparently, people like crazy girls! A little concerning, but who am I to judge?” she laughs. “Want to get out of here?”
“Out? Like, what do you –”
Izzy bumps shoulders with me. “I mean, like a certain you comes with a certain me back to my place.”
I gasped. “Really?!”
“Yeah?” Izzy raises an eyebrow. “I gave you my number last time, and you look absolutely miserable. I think you’d rather do anything than be here.”
She cackled, wrapping her arm around me like an old friend despite the fact we had only really met twice.
“You… you really want me?” I asked, confused. “Like that? Why?”
“That’s a surprise,” Izzy winks. “But I’m thinking of taking you on an adventure~.”
“An adventure? With you?” I ask, bewildered. “I’m not… are you sure it’s okay if it’s me? I’ve… I’ve never done something like this before. Or… or at all. Nobody ever wanted to.”
“You may be surprised to learn that nobody has done this with me yet. So we’re in the same boat!”
Nobody? Not with Justin, Eva, or Owen? Godzilla?
I shake my head. “If… if you really want me.”
“Of course! I wouldn’t say it if I wasn’t going to! You’ve watched all my seasons! You know, I’ve never said something crazy without following through! But,” Izzy suddenly stops, spinning me around in a circle before doing a Tango dip. “I need you to answer one question.”
I gulp, blushing at the closeness. “W-what? Sure.”
Izzy leans forward, putting a finger under my chin.
“Who are you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I answer diplomatically, looking off to the side. “Nobody knows my name.”
“Boo! Boring answer!” She giggles. “You know what? You can tell me later! Let’s go!”
And just like that, Izzy begins dragging me nearly off my feet to god knows where since she is really fast.
“Are you sober enough to drive? I only had one beer, so I can drive if need be,” I inquire. “So, where’s your place?”
“I don’t know. That’s the fun part,” Izzy beams. “Maybe we’ll go to the forest and spend the night with a pack of wolves where I’ll become the alpha, and you’ll be my beta bitch. Or maybe we’ll go to a concert where we’ll sneak backstage to take dick picks of the boy band! The possibilities are endless!”
“Sometimes, I must wonder what’s happening inside your head.”
“Really now?”
“You actually got to be on Total Drama,” I muttered. “You got to be somebody.”
“And you’re not?” Izzy lets out a boisterous laugh. “Of course you’re somebody. I mean, you are a person , right? Or are you an Imposter?” The redhead scratches her chin. “If you’re not, I may have to dissect your brain.”
“I’d rather you not,” I force out. “But you know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t,” Izzy denies. “Spell it out for me, my newest partner in crime.”
“You’re lucky,” I explain. “You got to be on the show. You got to be an archetype. The archetype. Nobody else in the show’s history was like you. People look at you on the Mount Rushmore of Total Drama characters. You’re up there with the rest of those iconic all-stars. Owen, Gwen, Heather, Duncan. And that’s just from the first generation. Every single dedicated second of screentime was poured over by editors to define your character. You didn’t have to figure out who you were. People told you. And it was beautiful. People knew you.”
Izzy stares at me blankly.
“I’m more than my edit, you know? More than a character on a show? I’m a real person. I’m squeezing your wrist right now. You can feel that, right? You’re not numb to my touch, right? Maybe you really are a robot.”
“I’m not a robot!”
“Aww,” Izzy mopes while kicking a pebble.
I scratch the back of my head. “You were on Total Drama. You can’t understand how I feel. I’d give anything to be in your position.”
“You mean an escaped criminal wanted by the R.C.M.P.?”
“If that means I can wake up in bed, look in the mirror, and see that there’s somebody worth looking at? Yes.”
“That can be arranged,” Izzy said coyly.
The rest of the night was a blur.
Izzy and I continued to talk; we went to a store to buy objects, and then we…
We…
I…
I remember I only had a beer.
As I am stirred from my slumber by the morning sun, my head is pounding, courtesy of a morning migraine. Everything feels off and seems so foggy. I try to force my eyelids open, but they don't want to listen, just like the rest of my body.
Augh. Am I hungover? I can’t remember anything from last night. Didn’t take me for a blackout drunk. I thought that only happened in the movies.
…
Please tell me it’s just alcohol and not narcotics.
…
Nevermind. That would mean I was drugged.
One, why would anyone bother to waste their drugs on me? And two, the only person who would is Izzy, but I knew Izzy well enough from the show that she despised recreational drugs because, and I quote, ‘the acid makes the voices in my head go quiet.’
All I want to do is fall back asleep, but it’s impossible. My anxiety is getting worse, my eyes still refusing to open, almost like the exact opposite of sleep paralysis. I try tossing and turning in my bed, trying to ignore it, but that only makes me feel more off.
At long last, my eyes shoot open in a panic.
The room before my eyes is not mine. A hotel room. A quite luxurious one, from the look of things.
Probably Izzy’s place. Or something we rented.
I shake my head, hoping to get my bearings a bit, but that only causes my bangs to fall into my eyes.
They’re red. And long.
That’s weird.
Did Izzy dye my hair? Or maybe hair extensions? She might be into freaky shit like that.
I try to grab at the strands, unsure if I want to push them out of my eyes or get an even better look at them.
And that’s when I see the back of my hand. I know the back of my hand like the back of my hand. And that’s not the back of my hand.
It was someone else’s. And they were wearing green nail polish.
This isn’t, like, real, right?
I squeezed my hand shut as an experiment.
The hand in front of me folded in on itself accordingly.
As if this could be my hand?!
I tried wiggling my fingers next, and the hand wiggled its fingers back.
No! Oh… Oh fuck.
As a final test, I dug one of the elongated nails into my palm a bit.
And I felt it; my palm stung.
I bite my lip, stifling back a scream, as I throw the sheets off of myself.
Looking down, it becomes immediately apparent.
I’m not me.
I throw my legs over the side of the bed and get up quickly, almost tripping over the changes to my center of gravity, a one-way ticket to the face plant.
Still, I ignore it as best I can as I rush into the bathroom.
This time, I’m unable to hold back my scream. The reflection staring back at me is one I recognize.
It’s Izzy.
My reflection is Izzy .
And I know it’s not a trick because I fucking see her expression. It’s one of pure terror. Izzy’s never been terrified, not like this.
But what’s worse is that it’s not just Izzy. But Izzy as she was 25 years ago. In her iconic leaf dress. The one she wore during the early seasons of Total Drama.
What… the… FUCK?! WHY AM I IZZY? WHY AM I IZZY!? AND HOW AM I THIS YOUNG?! WHAT IS THIS?!
“Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, oh FUCK! ”
I need to get out of here!
“Oh my god, who are you?!” screams a voice.
What the-? Who is that voice? And why am I hearing it in my head?
“Cause it’s my mind, silly!”
Izzy? Is that you? I… am so confused.
There is an air of judgment in my head. “You think I’m not? Who are you, and why are you in my head?”
Ok, calm down. So, somehow, I’m in Izzy’s body. Izzy from when she was still in her 20s. This is not a dream. I don’t think it’s a prank show. And somehow I can fucking communicate with her in my head. Telepathically.
Cool… coolcoolcoolcoolcool.
I take a deep breath and try to understand what is happening. First things first: I know I’m Izzy, but am I still me ? This isn’t normal.
“ Obviously , ” Izzy sasses.
“I need to know what I know and don’t know. Are all my memories in place? Do I have Izzy’s? How am I supposed to live with her without those?
“ Already planning on taking over my life, Freaky Friday? I’ll have you know I take serious umbrage with that! ”
What is going on? If I’m in the past….
“Wait, Izzy, what’s going on? Where am I?”
“I’m supposed to compete on Total Drama Island tomorrow. I’m stuck in quarantine until noon. This sucks! But at least you came along. Invasion of the body snatchers? Actually, this could be fun! I’m in a movie! Yay, me!”
As always, Izzy is such a wild card.
“ What do you want to do? Cry? Beg for mercy? Please.”
Are you not worried?
“Not anymore. This is way more interesting than that! The potential is limitless. My life is your life now, and I can’t do anything about it!”
You really are a beast all your own.
“Thank you! So tell me! What do you wanna do?”
Do you have suggestions?
“Maybe we could eat something! Oh, maybe we could watch TV together! I think there’s a pool in the hotel. We could go shoot some people with some super soakers. Or go to the spa for some much-needed relaxation. Normally not my jam, though. Or we could get drunk. Or completely reinvent my image and take over my life.”
That last one sounds completely horrifying.
“Or maybe you want to take my body for a spin? Like, you know. Go to the land of girl love. Self-love! It’s slippery when wet!”
Are you serious?
“What? I don’t know if you’re a boy or a girl. I know if I woke up as a dude one day, I’d put on some -”
I don’t want to know!
“You know you want to.~”
I didn’t think you were a pervert.
“I’m not, but you’re so boring right now. Be interesting! Do anything besides complain! Literally anything!”
I can have an existential panic attack and scream my head off. That too.
“Gotta give it to you. Watching you run around in panic might actually be interesting. Or not. I think if you plan your existential breakdown, then is it really an existential breakdown?”
Well, what are your ideas, Ms. Know-it-all?
“You could always ask me questions. However, I’m a very private person, so… do your worst!”
Her iconic giggle plays in my mind. It gives me an idea.
I try it myself, and it comes naturally. I sound just like her. Luckily, I’ll be able to pass while in this body.
“See? Now you get it. Good imposter. Become more like me, and I’ll give you treats. You have my permission to eat ice cream. There’s some in my mini-fridge.”
That’s supposed to go in the freezer. And I’m not an imposter.
“Then tell me more about who controls my body now. Who are you?”
I laugh again, getting into Izzy’s cadence easily. “That’s actually funny, thinking about it. You asked me who I was. I don’t think you liked my answer.”
“And? What was your answer?”
“I was a nobody. I never….” I trail off, sighing. “I was envious. You are a somebody. Total Drama made you a somebody.”
“And now you’re me. Good for you. Now answer. Your life is my life and vice versa.”
I don’t think that’s how this works. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in this body.
“Answer me!”
Well, I guess if you really want to know who this nobody was, I might as well…
Decision Point #1: What Was Your Original Biological Sex? (Pick One)
A - Male
B - Female
C - I Don’t Remember
Decision Point #2: What Was Your Upbringing? (Pick One)
A - Rich As Fuck
B - Top 10%
C - Middle Class
D - Barely Above Water
E - Poverty
F - I Don’t Remember
Decision Point #3: What Was Your School Clique? (Pick One)
A - Jocks
B - Preps
C - Nerds
D - Goths
E - Populars
F - Wallflowers
G - Homeschooled
H - I Don’t Remember
Decision Point #4: What Type of Occupation Did You Have? (Pick One)
A - White Collar (Office Jobs)
B - Blue Collar (Trade Jobs)
C - Pink Collar (Care Jobs)
D - Green Collar (Environmental Jobs)
E - Red Collar (Government Jobs)
F - Gold Collar (Higher Education Jobs)
G - Black Collar (Unconventional/Controversial Jobs)
H - Orange Collar (Prison Labor)
I - Open Collar (Work From Home)
J - No Collar (Freelance Work)
K - Unemployed (No Job)
L - I Don’t Remember
Decision Point #5: What Will You Do In Izzy’s Body? (PICK THREE)
A - Existential Crisis
B - Watch TV
C - Masturbate
D - Get To Know Izzy
E - Do Whatever Izzy Says
F - Investigate the Hotel
G - Try to Figure Out How the Body Swap Happened
H - Clothes Shopping (Reinvent Izzy's Image)
I - What You Think Izzy Would Do (Pretend to be a Squirrel)
J - Get Something to Eat
K - Go Back to Bed
L - Spa Day
M - Pool Day
N - Find Your Past Self
O - Go to the Bar