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“Right, of course,” Buck said, then blinked, recalibrated, “No, sorry, run that by me again?”
”Mom and dad are coming for Thanksgiving,” Maddie repeated, her tone apologetic, “Howie and I are hosting and I told them that you’d be there.”
”That’s what I thought you said,” Bucks sighed, “Follow up…are you out of your mind?”
”Evan,” Maddie scolded.
Buck let out a thunderous groan, “Why would you tell them that?”
Maddie rubbed tiredly at the corner of her eye, “I don’t know, Buck, they asked about you specifically and I panicked. I thought things were better between you guys.”
And, yeah, Buck had been giving that impression whenever the topic came up. The truth was that Buck wasn’t exactly where he stood with their parents. The attention they had paid him directly following the lightning strike had lasted for a short while before petering out to the occasional phone call. Even then, those calls ended up becoming more and more focused on Chim and Maddie’s wedding as their take over of the planning had continued and grown.
After his inadvertent coming out at the hospital wedding reception—not that Buck was sure what exactly he was coming out as, he was still playing around with labels in his head—and following his confirmation that yes he was seeing a man and yes it was a new development during a trip to drop them at LAX that was only made more awkward by the interminable LA traffic, things had sort of…stopped.
”It hasn’t been bad,” Buck allowed with a slight grimace.
Maddie frowned and reached across the table to lay a hand over Buck’s. “They haven’t said anything…rude, have they?”
”If you’re asking if they’ve said anything homophobic to me,” Buck drawled, “then no. But then again, that would require saying anything to me so…”
”They asked about you specifically,” Maddie reiterated, “and then they were even more determined to come. So that can only be a good thing. Right?”
Buck wasn’t convinced, but he kept that to himself. Even now Maddie held out hope for the Buckley family to magically become normal.
”Look, Mads, I’ll see them if they want,” Buck conceded, “but I was going to do something chill for Thanksgiving. Just me and Eddie. You know, before…” Buck trailed off and swallowed down the rest of the sentence he couldn’t bear to think let alone say aloud. He had kind of backed himself into a corner with his initial easy acceptance of Eddie’s impending move to El Paso and it made him a bit sick to think about it.
Eddie hadn’t exactly made an announcement, it wasn’t common knowledge or anything, but Buck had had to tell someone, at the very least so he could vent about his true feelings on the matter. He definitely couldn't tell Eddie about how much it was slowly killing him inside, not with how much happier and more settled his best friend was seeming lately. So Buck kept Maddie’s pregnancy a secret and she in turn didn’t tell about about his imminent demise and realization that he was never going to be enough to make someone he loved stay. Win-win. Or whatever.
”So bring him with you,” Maddie said insistently, “You can channel your break-up baking into a pie or two.”
The break-up baking, as she called it, had actually come to a natural conclusion not too long ago. The whammy he’d been dealt when delivering his painstakingly wrapped pastry basket to Eddie had really taken the wind out of those sails. He hardly ever felt the need to call Tommy at all anymore, his withdrawal period well and truly over. Buck was just straight-up depression baking now. There was a correlation there that he wasn’t quite ready to unpack yet. Instead of revealing any part of that, Buck just let out a groan.
”For me, Evan?”
Buck simply groaned louder. Sometimes he hated just how easily Maddie could manipulate him if she tried. He also kind of loved her for it. She was one of the only people who knew him well enough to do so. And the other two would soon both be about 800 miles away.
(802.3 miles exactly, if the house Eddie had been eyeing worked out. Buck definitely hadn’t checked the door-to-door distance from his loft. Nope, not at all. Just like he didn’t know that it would take 12 hours and 10 minutes exactly to make that drive, barring any extraneous traffic. Buck was being so normal about this whole thing, he really was.)
”Fine,” Buck agreed, drawing the word out into as many syllables as possible, mimicking Christopher’s exact inflection when Eddie tried to get him to go to bed, “But you’re not getting away with relegating me to only pie duty. At least let me make some side dishes too. Bobby’s candied yam recipe is amazing, especially when I substitute hot honey instead of regular. And Eddie will make a salad, he has some kind of magic touch when it comes to slicing tomatoes. Don’t ask me how.”
Maddie giggled and it filled Buck’s heart with joy.
“Thanksgiving with your folks does not sound like my idea of a good time,” Eddie griped. He pulled a t-shirt from the basket of freshly dried laundry and frowned at it. “Is this yours? I don’t think the head hole would fit around your biceps, let alone these sleeves.”
Buck, who was in the kitchen making their dinner, stuck his head into the living room and Eddie held up the shirt for him to see.
“Definitely mine,” he confirmed, “It’s from the resort bar I worked at in Peru. I gave it to Chris to use as a sleep shirt, like, two years ago.”
“He’s been in El Paso for months.” Eddie neatly folded the shirt and placed it on the coffee table. “How the hell is it only going through the wash now?”
Buck shrugged. “Laundry gremlins.” A timer beeped and he retreated back to the kitchen. “I’m not exactly thrilled about playing happy holiday family with the Buckleys either.”
”Laundry gremlins,” Eddie repeated under his breath with an amused smile. Then he raised his voice to be heard in the other room, “So why are we doing it, then?”
It honestly hadn’t even crossed Eddie’s mind to refuse when Buck half-asked and half-informed him about the new Thanksgiving plans. Buck was doing…surprisingly well with Eddie’s big El Paso decision and he was kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. So far all that had happened was Buck throwing himself into the house hunt with gusto. He knew Eddie’s housing desires practically better than Eddie himself and had easily separated them into three categories—must have, would love but not a deal breaker, and can totally live without—which he pulled out after every virtual house tour they took. Eddie knew that the rest of their teammates made horrified noises every time Buck even thought about looking at a clipboard, but Eddie had always found that side of Buck to be ridiculously endearing. And adorable, a thought that he was now allowing himself to have since he’d been leaning into the whole joy thing.
He’d had several conversations with Father Brian about it, in a friendly capacity over a coffee and pastry at the juice bar where they’d first met rather than in any official, priestly capacity. It was kind of nice to get the advice without the pressure of a confessional. Not that he was thinking of becoming a regular church-goer, but he could sort of see why Bobby found such comfort in it.
”They asked about me.”
Eddie rolled together the last pair of socks and went to lean against the kitchen doorway to watch Buck at the stove in his element. “I don’t follow.”
”My parents,” Buck explained, “asked Maddie if I would be coming. She said yes and they got excited. Come and taste this.”
Eddie rolled his eyes fondly and went over. Buck could make bolognese in his sleep, Eddie had no idea why he was being asked to taste this batch in particular.
”And they didn’t ask you directly because…” Eddie prompted.
Instead of taking out and dirtying another piece of cutlery, Eddie snagged Buck’s wrist and pulled up the wooden spoon he was using to stir the sauce, bringing it up to his lips for a taste.
”Spicy,” Eddie hummed.
”Yeah,” Buck’s voice cracked slightly and he cleared his throat before continuing, “I thought I’d try out something a little different. It’s not too much?”
That pop of spice was definitely only part of what was making Eddie feel warm inside. The other part was the way Buck watched him lick his lips clean after another taste.
”It’s perfect,” assured Eddie, releasing Buck’s wrist and taking a step back, but not before giving his curls an affectionate tousle, “And I repeat: why didn’t your parents talk to you about Thanksgiving directly?”
Buck’s hand hung in the air for a long moment before he blinked and went back to stirring the sauce with a big, mind-clearing shake of his head. “No idea. Maybe they knew I would make some excuse to not go.”
”And yet,” said Eddie, “we are.”
”Well, I can’t say no to Maddie,” Buck admitted, “They probably knew that too.”
”Margaret and Philip Buckley, playing the long con,” teased Eddie, “and you fell right into their trap.”
”Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. If this all crashes and burns, I’m taking you with me.”
Thanksgiving snuck up on them faster than Buck liked. The A-Shift were lucky enough to get the actual holiday weekend off, but they had to work a 48 that ended mid-morning on Wednesday. Buck had just followed Eddie home, all the things he needed to prep were there anyway. While Eddie napped, Buck’s whirring brain didn’t give him any rest. He spent the next several hours preparing the pie crust dough—four pies total; a fully covered pumpkin and classic lattice-top apple for dinner with the folks as well as an open-top pecan and a pear and caramel with fancy, fiddley pie crust decorations for the potluck lunch at Bobby and Athena’s on Friday.
Even when Eddie bullied him into trying to take a nap himself, Buck just laid there on the couch staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t seem to get out of his head, his brain buzzing a mile a minute. He was catastrophizing about the dinner, Buck knew that he was, but he was too caught up in the spiral to get out of it. He was probably focusing a little too much on it. His parents had proven that they could be civil to him even of they would never be particularly warm. Even though it was a bit early for it, Buck knew that Maddie would announce her pregnancy if it would take some of the attention off of him—it was a last resort but they had talked about it over the past days.
His parents were in town already. Buck knew because Maddie had sent him a picture of them with Jee-Yun at the zoo. It hadn’t really helped his mindset though, because it just made him think about Chris and about Eddie leaving and—
“Buck?”
He hadn’t been sleeping, but Buck jolted suddenly into awareness as if he had been. Eddie was perched on the coffee table, a look on his face that Buck was very familiar with as he saw it directed towards himself quite often, a particular mixture of fondness and concern. Eddie was also holding a bottle of beer, tilted towards him at the perfect angle to grab.
”I ordered pizza,” Eddie told him, “and I thought we might watch that new Mission Impossible movie.”
And that…that was exactly what Buck needed right now. He needed pizza and beer and a stupid action movie and his best friend beside him so they could playfully argue about how ridiculous it was for Tom Cruise to still be doing his own stunts. Buck’s heart was filled with such a wave of love, a tsunami that threatened to pull him under. This wasn’t his “oh” moment, Buck had had that back on the day he’d found Eddie’s tablet open to houses in El Paso, or if he was being honest with himself that moment probably happened years ago already. So no, Buck wasn’t having an “oh” moment, but might very well be an “oh no.” He had known that it would be difficult to go through his day to day life without Eddie, but it was really starting to hit him just how much.
”Sounds perfect.”
It was impossible for Buck not to return the glorious smile Eddie sent his way.
Eddie was pretty sure that Buck would have been fidgeting even more if he weren’t the one driving. As it was, the traffic, which of course was only worse because of the holiday, was at least serving as enough of a distraction. For now.
If Eddie had his way, Buck wouldn’t have to deal with his parents unless he actually wanted to. Although, Eddie supposed that with his own increasingly confrontational relationship with his own parents, he wasn’t really one to talk. He kept up a polite facade because he didn’t want to risk anything messing up his reunion with Chris. At first, he had considered doing exactly what his parents had done to him and just show up at their door unannounced, but the satisfaction that would have brought him may well have had a negative impact on the more important relationship he was actually trying to repair.
At least Christopher wasn’t using Ramon and Helena as mediators anymore. He and Eddie were speaking over FaceTime fairly regularly and texting even more often than that. In fact, it was Chris who had brought up the idea of Eddie visiting El Paso for Christmas. Eddie had tried not to look too embarrassingly excited about that offer when it had happened.
It was part of why he’d been looking forward to a quiet Thanksgiving, this would be the first time since they had met that they wouldn’t be doing Christmas together and Eddie hadn’t told Buck yet. It was silly, really, Buck understood more than anyone that Christopher always came first, but as Eddie had been slowly coming to terms with the depth of his feelings for Buck, the idea of being the one who caused Buck pain was becoming more and more unbearable.
”They probably already know we’re here,” Eddie commented. They had been parked outside the Han house for a few minutes at this point, although Buck had made no move to get out of the truck yet, “Jee probably already said something.”
”She always knows before anyone else when I arrive,” Buck said, his voice only slightly unsteady and his hands twisting uncomfortably around the steering wheel where he still held it, “like some kind of sixth sense for uncles. She does it with Albert too.”
”Why did Albert get a pass for tonight?” Eddie asked, definitely not complaining or pouting about it.
”He already had plans,” Buck, who definitely was pouting, replied, “with friends.”
”So did we,” Eddie pointed out, “although I suppose he’s not susceptible to the patented Maddie Han guilt trip.”
”Oh shut up,” laughed Buck, his shoulders loosening, nudging Eddie with his elbow.
Eddie grinned. “That’s better. I missed that laugh of yours.”
The smile Buck gave him was nothing short of beautiful.
The moment was cut short by a knocking on the car window. It was Chimney, looking mildly amused, hand in hand with Jee. Eddie rolled down the window.
”Yeah,” he said, drawing the word out, “hi. We’ll take a turkey number seven and a number five supersized to go.”
”Hilarious,” Chimney dead-panned, “stop stalling and get inside.”
”Counter point, you could get inside the car and we can flee,” Buck countered, sounding half serious.
”And face my wife’s wrath? Not a chance. And don’t even try to argue, I brought the big guns.”
”The big guns!” Jee-Yun repeated joyously as Chimney hoisted her up in his arms so she could see through the window. “Uncle Buck go inside now?”
”Uncle Buck go inside now,” Buck sighed, “but only for you, Jee.”
Eddie grabbed the two bags with their food offerings—the two pies and candied yams Buck had made as well as the salad he had convinced Eddie to make and even a bottle of wine that Buck had insisted on needing—while Buck ended up with a happy, chattering Jee in his arms. Eddie didn’t even try to keep the undoubtedly sappy look on his face seeing Buck with a kid.
”So this is what we’re doing now,” Chim murmured, falling into step with Eddie, “heart-eyes? I expected better of you, Diaz.”
”I’m allowing myself joy,” Eddie informed him, “Watching Buck with Jee brings me joy.”
Chimney gave him a sort of confused side-eye. “Uh, sure, man. Whatever you say.”
Maddie and Chimney had done an amazing job fixing up the house. Eddie remembered how it had looked when they’d first bought it and the change was apparent. It wasn’t just a house, it was a home filled with warmth and love. Even the presence of Margaret and Philip Buckley couldn’t make a dent in that feeling.
The dinner was…fine. Nice, even. Buck was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t without its awkwardness, of course, particularly when he had to fend off the questions about why he and Tommy had broken up, but ultimately there were no big, dramatic declarations, no big family secrets were revealed, and nobody was in a coma. So Buck definitely counted it as a win. This was especially true when he had Eddie by his side the whole time, shoulder pressed against his or a hand on his knee under the table. It was thrilling. It was confusing. It was painful.
Buck had gone a little bit overboard on the wine so Eddie was driving. Buck slumped to the point that the belt was starting to bite into his neck a bit, turned almost sideways in his seat so that he could fully watch Eddie. He was way past the point of feeling shame, watching the play of the streetlights across Eddie’s face as they moved, making his tanned skin light up gold for split-seconds at a time.
”See something interesting?” Eddie teased when they were stopped at a red light, looking over at Buck with amusement.
”You,” Buck replied. He wasn’t sure if it was the red of the light or if Eddie was blushing.
The plan had always been for Buck to crash at Eddie’s again since they would be going to the potluck together the next day. Once the last remnants of the pies were dropped off in the fridge instead of letting him retreat to the couch like usual, Buck followed Eddie back to his bedroom. The silence between them was comfortable as they changed into sleep clothes and got into bed. It was like they were back in quarantine times except there was nothing forcing them to do it this time around. A shaft of moonlight drifted in through the window, making the room an ethereal blue-white. They laid there, breathing each other’s air, their eyes locked. Buck opened his mouth to speak, unsure about what exactly he wanted to say, but Eddie beat him to it.
”Chris asked me to come to El Paso.”
A sudden chill ran down Buck’s spine. “When? Did you find a house o-or are you going to stay with your parents for a bit first or—“
”Buck.” Eddie cut him off with a small huff, reaching over to press his hand against Buck’s cheek. “Just for Christmas. Sorry, I should have said.”
”Oh,” Buck breathed, “That’s great, Eddie. Are you going to see some houses while you’re there? Maybe you’ll find the right place.”
He tried to sound excited, tried to inject some sort of interest into his tone, but the happy floatiness of the wine has dissipated into something more pensive.
“Maybe,” Eddie murmured, but he didn’t really seem like he believed it.
He was also…getting closer? Buck’s heart was pounding in his chest so hard he was surprised Eddie couldn't hear it. The first touch of Eddie’s lips against his was like magic, a frisson that made his brain grind to a halt and left only one thought running through it: Eddie. Eddie, Eddie, Eddie. But…Buck’s breath hitched and he pulled away even though it pained him to his core.
”Eddie.” Buck tried his hardest not to let his misery show, but he probably wasn’t doing a very good job of it, “I-I can’t. I want…you have no idea how much I really want this, you. But you’re leaving, you told me that you’re leaving and it’s already going to hurt, but if we do this…it’ll break my heart.”
Eddie was still close enough that he could rest his forehead against Buck’s. “I’m sorry, I know.”
“I would never ask you to stay and choose me over Chris,” Buck added, “he’s far too important for that.”
”He is,” agreed Eddie, “Of course he is. And that’s why I’m going to talk to him about it. The fact that he wants to see me in person? It’s a hope I didn’t have when I made that decision. If he’s wanting to come back, even if it’s in a month or at the end of the school year. It changes everything.”
Slowly and with each movement causing a stab of pain in his heart, Buck peeled Eddie’s hand away from where it still rested on his cheek and leaned away so that they could lock eyes.
”You need to talk to Chris,” Buck said with a firmness of resolve, “see where his head is at, what his plans are, what he wants. And,” he bit his lip, “if it turns out that he wants to come back, god Eddie I will be so over the moon about it. But this? Us? It can only happen if he’s okay with it.”
Eddie sighed. “I know that. Of course, I know that. It was my secret keeping that drove us to this point, there can’t be any more. I just…one more?”
It was a bad idea. He really shouldn’t. But Buck was a weak, weak man. The second kiss was just as magical as the first, even with the air of melancholy that hung over the room, sweet and chaste.
“I’m going to go sleep on the couch,” Buck whispered when they broke apart, “Otherwise I won’t be held responsible for my own actions.”
”So stay,” Eddie said, even as he removed himself from Buck and put space between them, “and forget responsibility.”
”You don’t mean that.”
Eddie’s grin gleamed in the half-darkness. “I could.”
”But you don’t,” repeated Buck.
”I don’t,” agreed Eddie.
Reluctantly and feeling as if every one of his limbs weighed a ton, Buck removed himself from Eddie’s bed and padded towards the door.
”Hey, Buck?”
He should have probably been embarrassed by just how quickly he turned back. “Yeah?”
”We’re totally going to have what’s left of the pie for breakfast, yeah?”
Buck huffed out a laugh. “Yeah. Goodnight, Eddie.”
”Goodnight, Buck.”
And even though he was being relegated to the chill of the couch, Buck felt warm and hopeful. He definitely had a lot to be thankful for.