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"NO" My voice screeches. Red veils my vision, panic clouding any sense of feeling I have. Please, Newt. Please don't do this to me.
"Love, please," he begs me, his voice weak and scratchy.
A memory flashses in my mind of Newt, his sweet smile and his loving touches. His calm demeanor as he held me to sleep on the nights I couldn't stop crying. The accent I've grown to love lingering in my mind, practically engraved in the deepest parts of my heart. It's become my safe haven, he's my safe haven.
"Please, love. You-- you have to go!" I don't even feel it. My senses are number as his accent finds my ears. What used to be a calming voice became broken, utterly broken. He could barely get out words without wheezing and coughing up this black tar. Fuck, please don't leave me.
I could feel it in my bones, he wasn't going to stay for long. He was going to die. He had already become weak, trying to push me away with his shaking hands but failing. The worse part was that I knew he was pushing with all the strength he could muster, all of it, and it was as frail as a whisper.
"Fuck, Newt. You know I'm not going to leave you!"
His eyes, please God, his eyes. Those beautiful eyes that I loved searching everytime I kissed him, those same eyes that are looking at me already darkening and losing light. "Look at me Newt, please fucking look at me."
"No, love." He shakes his head, his hands faltering and ultimately giving up from trying to push me away and instead cupping my cheek.
Newt's thumb rubs against the skin under my eye like he's done a thousand times; like he's saying goodbye. It wasn't until I realized he was wiping my tears. He's still taking care of me, even though he's the one infected in my arms.
"Darling, you know I-"
"Please don't talk, save you're strength."
"No, you're going to.. hear me, okay?" He tries to sound firm with me, but it only comes out broken and begging.
"I love you, I will always love you."
Please don't do this. Please-
"I'm not afraid of death," his face scrunches up like he's trying not to cry. I know he wants to be strong for me and it hurts so, so bad. "I just don't want to lose myself. I don't want to lose our memories. Your-"
Something ejects from his mouth as he violently coughs. It was the black tar, thick and horrifying; another sign of death.
"Your laugh, smile, pretty voice. Your bloody annoying jokes." He rolls his head as he says it, a lopsided smile appearing in his face.
My heart nearly breaks, wanting to say a million things to him but I know he won't let me. He already knows what I'm going to say. He already knows how much I just want to keep him in my arms, rocking us back and forth— how I want to kiss his lips, his nose, his forehead. He knows how much I love him to the point my heart hurts when he's not near.
"I wish I could be there to... protect you..." He pauses, eyes glistening. "To hold you and start a family"
A family. A family with Newt, my Newt. That's all I've ever wanted, to spend the rest of my life secure with him. I just wanted a future, was that so hard to ask for?
At this, I hear a chocked sound and small wails. I keep my eyes trained on him, worried it had come from him, yet to only find he hadn't made a sound. It had come from my own mouth.
"God, love, you don't know how much I want that." He only shakes his head, still rubbing my tears away with all the strength his could muster. "But I don't have anymore time left, and I refuse to let you see this shucking version of me."
"I don't want to hurt you, or worse. It's m-my fault for screwing up and getting infected."
"Stop Newt. Don't blame yourself." I put a hand on his mouth, wiping away the tar so I could try to find the sweetness in him, try to find his caring, calm and loving parts of him.
I leaned in, ghosting my lips to his ear to place the smallest kiss there and connect my forehead to his. Our foreheads pressed to each others and I see all the black and purple veins under his skin. His skin was warm, too warm. Yet, the skin on his fingers were freezing cold, as if he was already starting to slip away from me.
"Newt, just hold on, Brenda is coming with a cure. I won't take no as an answer." My tears fall on his eyes and he barely even blinks, he just lets them fall. My tears mixing with his own.
"I need you here. We need you here." Noticing the confusion on his face and smile at him. "I'm pregnant. You're gonna be a father."
We will have the family we want.
I place a mask on my face for him, a mask as if non eof this is happening. There's no buildings falling apart around us, no fire, no flare or tears in my eyes. I let myself swim in this facade, hoping I don't drown.
He grits his teeth, our tears spilling from his eyes. "I-"
"Shh.." I hush him, not wanting to break my game of pretend.
Shutting my eyes, I don't allow myself to look at him. I just needed him to get better and be my loving boyfriend again. He silences before saying something, or rather, humming.
He fails but tries and tries again, letting our game of pretend keep playing as he pretends that his voice isn't giving up on him. His voice reverberating throughout my body and my heart. Somehow, I feel everything he wants to say to me.
He told me he loves me without speaking to me. He told me that he would watch over me and protect our child. He.. he told me he was going to wait for me.
I hum with him, it's our song. The song he's sang to me whenever I was sad. I carry myself into another reality as we hum together, but feel my soul being tanked back as his voice quiets down and eventually stops.
When I open my eyes, I see his starting back at me as if he has been gazing at me the entire time I had close my eyes. His beautiful eyes had no life in them with only a permanent glossy look in his eyes. They were like pits with no light inside, my lover wasn't there anymore— too gone to hear my voice.
I don't even let go of him as I hear Brendas loud footsteps rapping on the concrete as she arrives with the cure. The same cure that my Newt needed. I lose hope.
But, even though I had lost hope, she hadn't. I could hear her shuffling next to me, dropping to her knees and her shaky breath. She quickly injected the glowing blue cure into his arm as if it'll heal him— bring his warmth back to me.
"We have to try, we can't give up, alright?" Brenda's voice shakes next to mine, but remaining firm. She doesn't even give herself time to grieve.
She immediately gets to work after injecting him, trying to work with the first aid kit she brought. Brenda pulls out gauze, bandages, antiseptics, anything she can and tries to deal with the knife in his chest. Her hands are fast and careful, but even i can see the tremble in them.
"Please Newt. Come back to me, I need you." I huff, starting to feel a sliver of hope with Brenda at my side.
Suddenly, I see the veins retreating and disappearing from his skin, his bloodshot eyes clearing. My body locks up, freezes in place. Perhaps if I breathe, if I move, it'll fail. So, I keep myself stuck in time, frozen and still.
Thump.
Please Newt,
Thump. Thump.
Wait, what was—
Bathump. Bathump.
"Holy shit Brenda!" I exclaim.
My lungs expand, finally breathing after what felt like an eternity. Hold fucking shit! He has a heartbeat, he has a chance.
My gaze is trained on his face and his eyes, already seeing the pit in them to fill with color and light. There's a shiny glimmer in his eyes as I kiss his hands, hoping that he feels my warmth and isn't scared.
My Newt, the father of our unborn child— and the love of my life was in my arms.
I'll keep myself here, to let him know he won't have to wait for me. He won't have to watch over me and wonder if I can hear his voice or not. I'll love him until my heart stops beating, until my soul crumbles away, until forever ends.
I'll love him in the future, knowing he'll be by my side.