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7 DAYS AFTER
I snuggle myself into the big body pillow that still smells like him. His scent is starting to fade from things already: his favorite hoodie, the ball cap he left on the coat hook, the blanket he curled up with on the couch, his side of the bed… I bury my face in the pillow, tears welling in my eyes. I don’t want to accept that he’s gone; if I do, it means he’s truly never coming back. If I do, I don’t know if I’ll be able to put myself back together.
30 DAYS BEFORE
“Come on baby, please come with me.” I look up at his pouty lip and furrowed brow, frowning. “Don’t pout, it won’t work this time. I’m tired, Jisung. I’ve had a long ass day, and I just want to loaf on the couch and read.” He sighs, flopping down on the couch and laying his head in my lap. “You never want to come out with me anymore.” “I’m sorry I have a stressful job that wears me out,” I snap, slightly annoyed at his whining. He sits up quickly, a hurt look on his face. “I’ll just… I’ll just call Minho.” “You do that,” I reply, going back to my book. I don’t want to be angry with him, I don’t want to hurt him, I just can’t seem to stop myself lately. Jisung leaves shortly after, not saying another word. I really hurt him this time. “God DAMMIT!” I throw my book across the room, pages flapping. I’ve been getting frustrated so easily lately, and I always seem to take it out on him. “What the fuck is wrong with me?!”
60 DAYS BEFORE
“Ohmygod yes, right there, fuck!” We collapse on the bed next to each other, sweaty and happy. I turn on my side to face him, brushing his hair off his forehead, leaning in to give him a firm kiss. “Fuck, we’re always so good together.” He’s still coming down, his breathing slowly returning to normal. “We’re just meant to be, then, love,” he grins at me. He wraps his arms around me as I lay my head on his chest, giving me a gentle squeeze. I sigh, drawing patterns across his skin with my finger. “I love you so much, Jisung.” “I love you too, baby.”
90 DAYS BEFORE
“Minho! Come get your man before I bake him into a pie!” I call out from the kitchen, smacking Jisung’s hand away from the cake batter again. I hear laughter from the living room, then Minho is grabbing Jisung on the back of his neck and leading him out of the kitchen. “Thanks, love!” It’s Jeongin’s birthday, and I’m making a last minute cake because someone (my adorable but forgetful boyfriend) forgot to put the order in at the bakery. I put both pans into the oven and set a timer on my phone, before walking into the living room to join the guys. They’re having a Mortal Kombat tournament on the Xbox. There’s even a dry erase board with a tourney bracket. “You guys take this shit way too seriously,” I say, shaking my head at them with a chuckle. “Sit down, baby, you’re up against Hyunjin next!” Jisung says from the couch, watching Felix absolutely destroy Changbin. “Well in that case, prepare to be disappointed in my gaming skills,” I tell them, sitting down on the floor between Jisung’s legs.
A little over an hour later, the cake is cooling in the kitchen, and Chan has come out on top, winning the tournament after a close match against Felix. I miraculously managed to beat Hyunjin, but quickly lost to Chan in the second round. “What do I win?” Chan asks, looking at all of us. “Respect?” Jeongin suggests. “Applause!” says Changbin, clapping. “Nothing,” Minho deadpans. “Oh, for freckles’ sake,” I get up, sit myself down sideways in Chan’s lap, give him a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek. “There you go, Channie. Congrats.” I get up to go check on the cake, but get pulled down backwards onto his lap. “Hey!” “I’m not done with my prize yet,” he says, wrapping his arms around me, leaning his head on the back of my neck. “Hey! Don’t hog my girl!” Jisung shouts from the far end of the couch, snuggled into Minho’s side. “Oh hush, you. You’ve got a Minho, I’ve got a Channie.” I stick my tongue out at him, then blow him a kiss. “Christopher, I’ve gotta get up to check on the cake sweetie,” I pat his arms around my middle. He reluctantly lets me go. Felix follows me to the kitchen. “Is it ready for frosting yet?” “Looks like. Can you grab the bowl out of the microwave for me?” I smooth on a thin crumb coat layer, putting the two pieces together, before sliding the cake into the freezer for a bit. “You good, Freckles?” I bump his shoulder with mine. “Hmm? Yeah. Just, I don’t know. Feeling… lonely I guess? Not that I don’t love being around you and the guys!” “No, I understand. Have you talked to them about it?” I ask. “Talked to the guys? Mmm maybe a little, but not specifically.” “No, I mean, talk to whoever is on your mind.” Felix looks up at me, eyes wide. “What?” “Come on, Felix, I can tell you were thinking about someone when you said you were lonely. Just talk to them. Get your foot in the door.” “I… I’m not that obvious am I?” He looks at me, worried. “No sweetie, I just know what that looks like. Seen that look in the mirror way too many times in my life and did nothing about it.” He nods at me. “Maybe.” I sling an arm around his shoulder and give him a squeeze. “I’m here if you ever want to talk, yeah?” “Thanks,” he says and gives me a small smile. We head back into the living room to find cards out on the table. “Oh no, are we playing poker now? Who’s idea was that?” Everyone points to Jeongin. “Hey, it’s my birthday!” Fair enough.
I am terrible at poker, so I bow out pretty quickly. Hyunjin has the worst poker face, so he always loses, and Felix gets the giggles when he has a good hand. The ones to watch are Minho, Binnie, Chan, Seungmin and Jeongin. Jisung folds, again, and gets up, grabbing my hand and pulling me off the arm of the couch into the hallway. “Hey, what’s-“ he cuts me off, pressing me against the wall with his body, holding my arms above my head with one hand, grabbing my chin with the other and kissing me so hard my lips are bound to feel bruised later. I moan into his mouth, tilting my hips to meet his, when he just as suddenly pulls away. “What the fuck, Ji?” I try to catch my breath, while he just smirks at me. “Just wanted to remind you that you’re mine,” he says. “Excuse me? I’m not property, you don’t need to mark your territory.” He leans in close, whispering in my ear, “but it’s so much fun.” He bites my earlobe, presses a kiss to my neck and walks back into the living room. That little shit. He is in so much trouble later. I head into the kitchen to finish the cake and order dinner - I can bake, but I am not a chef. Innie requested traditional Korean food for his birthday, so I quickly put in an order of his favorites, adding a few other dishes I know the guys like. We order from this restaurant so often, I know how to ask for everything in Korean by now. With dinner sorted, I carefully write “Happy Jeongin Day” on the cake, cover it, and pop it into the fridge. I love when I get to spend birthdays and such with the guys. They’re like my second family.
15 DAYS BEFORE
I slam the door to the apartment as I stomp my way inside ahead of Jisung. This man pushes my buttons like no one else! ARGH! He opens the door, swinging it shut behind him as he follows me through the apartment to the kitchen. “Dammit Ji, just leave me alone right now!” “No, we need to talk about this right now, not later.” “There’s nothing to talk about!” I shove him away from me, trying to head toward the bedroom - at least it has a lock. I don’t get far as he grabs my arm to spin me around, pinning me to the wall in the hallway. “Yes. There. Is.” He says through gritted teeth. I inhale sharply. He’s never been this angry at me before; I’m not sure how to handle it. “It was nothing, Jisung.” “But with one of my best friends? Did you fuck him?” “What?! Of course not! It was JUST! ONE! KISS!” “Looked like one hell of a kiss to me,” he growls. “Please. I’ve seen you do more than that with Minho.” I wince, but I can’t take it back. That was a low blow. “What I have with Minho is different and you know it. You’ve known from the beginning. We talked about it. You said you were ok with it-“ “And I am! I’m sorry, that… I shouldn’t have said that. I know.” Minho and Jisung were always meant to be together, they were true soulmates. I ended up being the addition to the pair. I love Minho, but not the same way those two love each other. Tears spill down my cheeks, I don’t even know why I’m angry anymore. I grasp at Ji’s shirt, but he jerks away. “Are you cheating on me?” He asks me, but stares at the floor, his chest heaving from the deep breaths he’s trying to take to calm himself. “No. No! I would never do that to you! I don’t know why I kissed him, it was just... We were both feeling down, I was just trying to feel something.” “Why didn’t you come to me? You know I would do anything for you! I don’t-“ he’s crying now. Fuck. Why do I keep hurting him? “I’m going to Minho’s.” He tells me, suddenly backing away from me, shaking his head. “Jisung -“ “Don’t. I’ll call you tomorrow.” He goes to the bedroom to grab his backpack, stuffing a few things into it. “Please, just - stay away from Chan for a bit.” I slump to the floor as he walks out.
5 DAYS BEFORE
“I can’t believe you bought a fucking motorcycle, Jisung. This seems so… out of character for you.” I look at him, worried and anxious. We’ve been fighting more often than not the last month, and he just randomly came home with a motorcycle today. I feel like I’m losing him, and that’s not what I want at all. “It’s gorgeous, isn’t it? Riding it feels like flying, it’s crazy!” He runs his hand over the sleek all black sport bike, setting his matching helmet down on the seat. “I didn't know you wanted a motorcycle. Or even had a license to ride one…” my voice trailed off. He looked so excited about it, almost manic. Is this impulsiveness my doing? “Yeah I got my license a few weeks ago and finally found the perfect bike yesterday. It’s really an amazing ride!” I don’t even know what to say to him, so I just head back inside. He follows, of course. “Hey, what’s wrong? Aren’t you excited?” “Ji, I didn’t even know you were interested in motorcycles, let alone wanted to ride one. When did we stop sharing things like this?” My voice is strained, I feel like I might cry or scream. “What do you mean? I’ve told you before… haven’t I?” He cocks his head to the side as if trying to remember, then shrugs. “Well it’s here now, aren't you happy for me?” I back away, sitting hard on the couch, shaking my head. “No.” “What do you mean ‘no’?” He asks, voice getting low. Which means he’s getting frustrated with me. Which means here comes another screaming match. I hang my head in my hands. “I mean no, I’m not happy for you, Jisung. I’m worried for you. I’m worried about us.” He flops into the chair near me. “You’re worried?” He laughs bitterly. “It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?” Here we go. “Baby, I’m tired of fighting with you. I don’t have any energy left for it.” I feel the tears dripping off my nose. I look up at him, arms on my knees. “Is this it?” “Is this what?” He frowns at me. He’s angry, I’m upset, and I don’t know how to fix things anymore. “Are we broken? Can we not be fixed? I don’t know what to do, Ji. What do you want me to do? Do you even love me anymore?” Tears are freely falling down my face, I don’t even make an effort to wipe them away. “I -“ he starts and pauses. “I don’t know.”
1 DAY BEFORE
Today was a rare nice day. We both had work, came home, and ate dinner together. It was pleasant enough, but that’s all it was. Just going through the routine. There was nothing left of us in it. I got ready for bed while he was on the phone with Chan and Changbin about work, and by the time he came to bed, I just lay still and pretended to be asleep. I know things are over, and I don’t know why we won’t just admit that and be done with this slow, passive aggressive, drawn out ending. I hear his breathing even out beside me, and slowly turn to face him. Even in sleep he looks stressed these days. I gently smooth his brow with my fingers, and his face relaxes. I softly press a kiss to his cheek, and whisper “I’m sorry Ji. I’m so sorry. I love you.”
THE DAY IT HAPPENED
When I wake, his side of the bed is long gone cold. He must have left early to the recording studio. It’s the weekend so I’m off work today. I pick up my phone from the charger beside the bed, and head to the kitchen for coffee. No, scratch that, I’ll have tea instead, I need something to calm me, not make me jittery. It’s just after ten, and I really have nothing to do today except chores, so I make a quick list on the fridge whiteboard of what needs doing. Laundry Clean kitchen (dishes, counters) Tidy living room (sweep!!) I slowly sip my tea, gradually getting the motivation to start. I hate cleaning. Four loads of laundry - we really need to stop procrastinating - and two clean rooms later, I plop myself on the couch with cold, leftover pizza for lunch. Just as I’m about to turn on the tv, my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number, but pick it up anyway. “Hello, I’m calling from Seoul National University Hospital, is this Han Jisung’s next of kin?” I hear someone say in Korean. I freeze. I’d forgotten we had listed each other as such with the insurance. “I - y-yes, this is his girlfriend. Did something happen?” “There has been an accident, yes. I need you to come to the hospital as soon as you can, please.” She rattles off where to go, and hangs up. Is he ok? She didn’t say if he was ok! Should I call the guys? Has he spoken to them? What the fuck happened?! I scramble to change my clothes, throwing my hair in a ponytail, and sliding into my sneakers on my way out the door. I call Chan as I head downstairs, and see Jisung’s motorcycle is gone. Oh my god, he got in a wreck didn’t he?! “Shit, shit, shit…” I don’t even realize I’m speaking aloud until I hear Chan’s voice on the line asking me what’s wrong. “I just got a call from the hospital, they said Ji’s been in an accident but they didn’t say anything else!” I’m nearing a panic attack, starting to hyperventilate. “Ok, ok, are you home? Stay there, I’ll come get you.” I drop hard, sitting on the bottom step, trying to breathe. Oh my god what if he’s dead. “Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…” Chan was there in minutes, and the trip to the hospital was a blur. I told him where the nurse had told me to go, and I just let him drag me along by the hand. We made it to the nurses station as directed, and Chan found someone who knew what was going on. I told them Chan was his brother, (sort of true) and to tell him everything. I only half listened, but I knew it - he was gone. Once the thought had entered my head I became convinced I could feel his absence. Jisung had been going through a stop light, and a delivery truck had run the red light, supposedly due to brake failure. But big truck + little motorcycle… They said he wouldn’t have even felt a thing, that it was instant; his neck snapped from the force of the impact. I could feel the tears trailing down my face, and I could hear Channie’s choked-sounding breathing as he asked questions, but I felt like I was drifting in a bubble. I felt… nothing. I was numb. Sounds were muffled; I felt Chan holding my hand - he never let go - as if through mittens; time went by so quickly I didn’t even notice what was going on around me. Minho showed up at some point, as did Changbin, I vaguely heard someone say the others would meet us at my apartment. Mine. Because it was just mine now. Jisung was gone. And we’d been fighting all this time. Oh god.
45 DAYS AFTER
I fan myself and take another gulp of water. It’s going to be a very hot summer this year if it’s already this bad in June. I’m in the waiting room at the OBGYN, watching a couple of little kids play with the train set in the corner. I had been having some issues with my cycle lately, and since I hadn’t had a period in nearly two years with the birth control implant I had, I figured a check up was needed. I was soon called through by a nurse, who led me to an exam room, asking the usual questions and checking my vitals. “Are you sexually active?” “No, uhm. Not in months, now. My… My boyfriend recently passed.” I awkwardly stumbled on the words. I get the pitying look that I’m long used to ignoring, she hands me a cup and directs me to the adjoining bathroom for the usual pregnancy test. I’ve been waiting for the doctor to come in for the actual exam, when a tech comes in to draw blood, instead. They don’t usually, so I’m confused. “Just a precaution,” she says before leaving with a vial of my blood, after placing a wrap around my arm. Nearly twenty minutes later, the doctor finally comes in. “How are you feeling today?” “Kind of nauseated after having blood drawn, to be honest. I haven’t eaten in hours, I wasn’t expecting that.” “Do you normally go this long between meals?” “Uhm, sometimes. What’s going on?” The doctor clears her throat. “You’re about 15 weeks pregnant.” An hour and a half later, I’m at home, staring at the blank tv screen. There was no mistake, the doctor made sure with the blood test. I’m three and a half months pregnant. That was around the last time Jisung and I were together. What am I going to do? I’ve never wanted kids. Abortion isn’t illegal in South Korea, but it’s also not exactly accessible, either. Would I go through with it if I could? It’s a part of Jisung... I… I need help. I sent out an SOS to the guys, and am just waiting for them to arrive. Since we lost Ji, they’ve all been taking care of me. I don’t know if I’d even still be here if it weren’t for them. I’m sitting on the couch hugging a pillow and staring into space when the first knock sounds at the door. They know to just come in if the door is unlocked, so in walk Hyunjin, Changbin, Chan, and Jeongin, carrying groceries with them. They know me too well. The fridge is all but empty, save for some bottles of water and maybe an old bottle or two of soju. Minho, Felix, and Seungmin follow shortly after with hot food and some drinks. After everything is put away and we’ve all settled in with our early dinner, I take a deep breath. They had all tucked into the food, already, and I didn’t want my news to cause any incidents. “You guys might not want any choking hazards in your mouths for this.” They all look at me worriedly, and glance at each other before putting their chopsticks down and swallowing their food. “What’s going on?” Chan asks softly. No use waiting any longer, I guess. “I’m pregnant.” Instant silence spreads around the room. I stare at my hands still clutching the pillow. “About three and a half months, according to the doctor. It’s Jisung’s, if that weren’t obvious.” I anxiously pick at the side of my thumb until it bleeds, afraid to see the reactions on the faces around me. A hand reaches over to stop me from tearing up my other thumb; I look up to see Minho, his face sad, but not angry. He keeps hold of my hand, as I slowly look at everyone else. I see shock, tears, sadness, and a hint of hope. No one is angry with me. No one is pitying me. The tears welling up in my eyes start to fall. “I don’t know if I can do this,” I start to sob, clutching Minho’s hand like a lifeline. “You know we were fighting, in the end.” I look at Minho, he nods slowly. “We… we would have been over by now, if… if he was still here.” A hand on my knee gives a gentle squeeze; Felix, giving me reassurance from his spot on the floor. “And you think we would have let you go, even if you two weren’t together? Sorry, love, but you’re stuck with us.” Hyunjin says from the chair across from me, a soft smile on his face. “God, I love him so much, I don’t know why we couldn’t -“ “Shhh, it’s in the past. You can’t dwell on the ifs and whys. You’re here now. We aren’t going anywhere; you’re part of our family, whether you two are together or not.” Minho says, giving my hand a squeeze. “We all love him and miss him, and maybe this is a gift. There’s still a part of him here. No matter what you decide to do, we’re right here with you.” Chan adds.
365 DAYS AFTER
We pull up to the National Sky and Forest Memorial Park, a part of the cemetery where you can have your ashes placed beneath a tree; a more natural burial. We park as close as we can to Jisung’s tree, and climb out of the cars. His ashes were buried under a beautiful dogwood tree at the top of a low hill; it’s not a far walk, but the guys have been treating me like I’m fragile for four months now, no matter how many times I whine to them that I’m fine. Minho helps me out of the car, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, while Chan runs around the other side, leaning in to lift the baby carrier out. “Hey baby girl, it’s a beautiful day to go meet your daddy.” It’s been a full year since Jisung died, and this is the first time all nine of us are coming to visit. Han Hee Won (her name means blessing, the guys’ doing) was born early in the morning on the fourth of January, and she just turned four months old a few days ago. She already looks so much like him, with her pudgy hamster cheeks, and big, curious eyes. We each take turns laying our flowers out at the base of his tree, some silently taking a moment, others quietly talking to him, and soon it’s my turn. I take Heewon out of her carrier and sit down with her beneath his tree. “Hi Ji, it’s been awhile. I miss you so much.” Tears are already welling up. “I know we would have broken up, we probably should have already by then, to be honest. I’m sorry for how things were going back then, I really am. And I don’t know how you would have reacted to hearing I was pregnant, but I do know you would have been an amazing father.” I sniffle, wiping my eyes with my hand, adjusting my hold on her. She was being so quiet, just staring up at the tree. “This is your daughter, Jisung. Her name is Heewon. She’s beautiful, and she has your adorable cheeks.” I laugh softly. “Thank you for giving her to me. To us. The guys’ have all been fantastic uncles to your little girl; she is so very loved. Just as you were.” I close my eyes, holding our daughter close, feeling the tears fall. I imagine a freckle-faced little girl with long dark hair, holding on to her daddy’s hand. I wish he could see her grow, but we will all make sure she knows him, just the same.