Chapter Text
By the time he finally shifted the last of the heavy black trash bags to the genkan, Izuku was too exhausted to take them all outside. He was exhausted most of the time lately. Part of him wondered if he’d ever feel anything but exhausted ever again.
Each of the three 13 gallon bags were filled to the bursting with mottled orange and black camellias. He wished they were pretty, he wished they were beautiful things he could gather up together and set up in bouquets around his house, but the scattered petals were splattered with blood, and the few flowers that did remain intact were ruined from the grueling journey up his throat. Besides, he was getting tired of looking at them. Just like all the other countless bagfuls, there was no where else for them to go but the trash.
The thought made him laugh bitterly. He might as well just bag up his feelings and take them out to the curb.
Honestly, the lying had been the hardest part so far, in his eyes at least. He’d been a dedicated, hardworking teacher at UA ever since he got his credentials, he loved his job and wasn’t shy about it so of course everyone had been suspicious when he started taking extended periods of time off. He hated making weak excuses to the faces of his friends and fans and especially his students, but he just didn’t see any other option. He couldn’t work reliably anymore, he could hardly function at all without choking on the flowers rooted deep inside his lungs. It was becoming impossible to hide, but he didn’t want anyone to know.
Izuku had developed the disease just after he graduated from UA. He’d known it was Hanahaki the second he coughed up petals into the bathroom sink, and he didn’t even have to see the black and orange colored petals to know who he’d developed it for. There was only one person it could be.
Despite being a relatively rare disease, Hanahaki was very well known due to its tragic nature. It only occurred when the feelings involved were incredibly intense, but Izuku had never exactly been one to feel things quietly. He put 100% Plus Ultra effort into every aspect of his life, including, unfortunately in this case, his capacity for love.
And there was no one he’d ever felt anything more strongly towards than Bakugou Katsuki.
Considering his circumstances, he was honestly a little shocked he hadn’t developed the disease before. He’d been in love with Katsuki for basically as long as he could remember, and he’d always known those feelings were definitely not returned. Yet it wasn’t until they truly became friends again, when Katsuki had started treating him as an equal and caring for him and showing it, that Izuku had started coughing up flowers.
He knew Katsuki loved him now. It just wasn’t in the same way he did. That love was still something he dearly treasured, but according to the knotted roots in his lungs, it wasn’t the kind he needed. Something about finally having that near proximity to love, having Katsuki smiling and laughing in his life, so close yet so far out of reach… it had sowed the seeds inside him and had been the final straw.
He’d been coughing up camellias in secret for years now. The only people that knew were his mother, a few doctors, All Might, principal Nezu, and Aizawa. And the only reason Aizawa knew was because he’d been impossible to hide it from. He’d grown suspicious only one week into Izuku’s teaching career, and had caught him sprinting to the teacher’s lounge to cough up petals into a trashcan after a particularly long-winded lecture.
Izuku would never forget the deep sadness in his former teacher’s eye when saw the petals. He’d understood without needing a single word of explanation. He’d stood silent vigil while Izuku coughed them up, then helped him to an chair and called him ‘problem child’ one last time.
Beyond that, Izuku had managed to keep the truth from everyone else, which, considering how inconvenient it was, he prided himself on being pretty impressive. He’d even convinced his students he had year-round allergies as explanation for why he’d had to step out so often.
The coughing fits had started out small and surprisingly manageable, just a few petals here and there, mostly at night when his mind wondered, thinking over the events of the day. He and Katsuki hadn’t drifted apart after graduation like he’d feared, even though life had forced them to take different paths. Katsuki had simply refused to leave him behind, even in the midst of his busy new schedule as a pro. It had been a startling but welcome surprise, how stubborn Katsuki was to remain close to him after everything.
In return, Izuku hadn’t let his feelings or his sickness get in the way of their friendship and dreams. Those things were far too precious to him to lose. After finding out from his doctors that there was nothing they could do for him and the disease would eventually prove fatal, he promised himself he’d keep up appearances for as long as he could, for Katsuki’s sake. Izuku would protect Katsuki’s happiness every day he still had room for breath in his body.
But everything had changed when he was given his new suit. The suit Katsuki had put his whole heart and soul into for eight years, the suit everyone expected to turn Izuku into a hero again. Here it was, his chance to return to his dream again, this time right by Katsuki’s side, but he couldn’t take it.
How could he be a hero if he couldn’t breathe?
When he found out what Katsuki had done for his sake, all the sacrifices he’d made in the past eight years just to get Izuku back out into the field with him, the roots in his lungs had spread so rapidly and extensively that doctors estimated it had taken three whole years off his remaining lifespan. His deep gratitude and affection for Katsuki had manifested in the flowers, and after a few X-rays, it was clear he didn’t have much time left.
That was the start of the last two months of rapid deterioration. The sudden speed of the grow had damaged his lungs, and the time between fits of coughing up petals was cut practically in half. He’d had to recluse himself in his house for fear of throwing up flowers in public, or even being seen at all now that he looked so frail.
So, he’d begun the painful process of pulling away from Katsuki, and all their other friends as well. It was terrible step that he’d always known he’d eventually have to take. He didn’t want anyone he cared about witnessing his slow, pitiful demise. He felt like a cat slinking off to find a bush to die in, and couldn’t help but think it was a pathetic end for someone who was once set to be a hero of Japan. All Might’s successor, choking to death on petals because he couldn’t fall out of unrequited love with his best friend. What a joke.
Izuku took a deep breath, well, as deep as he was able. He never seemed to take a full breath of air these days, leaving him aching for the next gulp and in a perpetual state of feeling winded. It was exhausting, just like everything else. He left the trash bags by the door and dragged his feel over to his couch to sink into the cushions, curling into a ball and pulling out his phone.
Guilt ate at him at the sight of dozens of ignored, increasingly threatening texts from Katsuki. He chewed his thumbnail and winced as he read through them all. He knew flat out ignoring him wouldn’t work, it would be too suspicious, but he didn’t know what else to do anymore. He’d run out of lame excuses for why they’d stopped hanging out, why he’d suddenly pulled away. He had no idea how to go about this whole dying thing without hurting Katsuki in some regard, but he wanted to make it as painless a process as possible. He didn’t want his best friend to be angry at him, but knew him well enough to understand that would inevitably be his response when he found out Izuku was going to die. Katsuki was one of the most stubborn people on the planet, he’d try to find some solution to a problem he simply couldn’t fix. Izuku saw no reason to put that guilt on his shoulders, not if he could help it.
He jumped nearly a foot at a sudden, violent knocking at his front door. It could hardly be described as a knock, it was more like someone was actively trying to smash a whole through the wood.
“OPEN UP NERD, I KNOW YOUR ASS IS IN THERE!”
Izuku shot off the couch, turning in panicked circles to look around his wreck of an apartment like he could somehow hide the evidence of how he’d been living for the past two months. Luckily he’d had enough energy today to clean up a little, so there weren’t drops of blood and petals scattered everywhere, but it was still a mess. Even more damning, the trash bags full of the most recent batch of camellias were still by the door, and there was no where he could possibly hide those.
“DEKU, YOU BETTER OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR BEFORE I BLAST IT TO PIECES!”
Izuku scrambled across the room to the door, pressing his hands against it like he had any chance of keeping a raging Katsuki out in his sickly, weakened state. Damnit, he’d ignored Katsuki for too long and now he was paying the price. This was exactly the kind of thing he’d been worried would happen if he took that route. Clearly, Katsuki had decided it was time to call him on his bullshit when he stopped even bothering to provide lame excuses for his absence.
“Wait!” Izuku called out, cringing at the harsh sound of his voice. It was strained and hoarse from all the coughing he’d been doing. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Wait, Kacchan, I’m… I’m in the middle of something! You’ll have to come back later, sorry!”
He heard the door handle rattle on the other side. “That’s bullshit and with both know it! Let me the fuck in!”
“I- I can’t!”
“You seriously thought you could fucking ignore me and not face the music?! Stop being a coward and open the fucking door so I can come kill you!”
“Kacchan!”
“FINE!” The shout practically reverberated through the wood of his door, and Izuku could hear the familiar sound of sparks on the other side. “I’M NOT BUYING YOU A NEW DOOR AFTER I DESTROY THIS ONE!”
“No! Wait wait wait!” Izuku squawked, frantically scrabbling to pull back the lock. He figured his time of hiding had officially run dry, there wasn’t much point in trying if Katsuki had his mind set on something. He was too tired to fight it anyway.
“Do not blow up my door, Kacchan, I’m renting! Just- hold on! I’ll let you in!”
He yanked it open, already flinching back in case he was about to get an explosion to the face. Katsuki was looming like a bull ready to charge in his doorway, eyes dark with rage, but he drew back in repulsion when he saw Izuku.
“Ugh! What the hell?! You look fucking terrible!” he said accusingly, like Izuku had decided to look like a zombie on purpose.
“ Thanks , Kacchan,” he deadpanned. He turned his body to gesture for them to take this inside. “Want to come in to kill me, or are you gonna do it out here for my neighbors to see?”
Katsuki tsked and pushed past him, storming into his apartment and glaring at the sorry state of it. Izuku just sighed and closed the door behind them. Katsuki turned sharply to challenge him, but paused when he spotted the three full trash bags by the door.
“Izuku what the actual hell? This is what you’ve been so busy doing- why are you living like a damn bum? Have you even looked in a mirror lately, you look like a fucking corpse! And take your trash out for fucks sake, since when do you…“
Suddenly his rant cut off, and he squinted in suspicion at the nearest trash bag. Izuku glanced over and saw some blood smeared on the ties, and when he looked back Katsuki’s face had gone slack.
“H- holy shit.”
Izuku raised his hands slowly. There had to be a way for him to break the news in a calm, orderly fashion. “Kacchan, just wait for a second, I can explain.”
“Holy shit!” Katsuki lunged forward, grabbing Izuku by the shoulders and searching his eyes frantically. He was deathly pale- nearly as pale as Izuku was these days.
“Izuku did you fucking kill someone!?”
“What?! No! You thought- oh my god, Kacchan of course I didn’t kill anyone!”
Katsuki whipped away from him to face door, like he expected police to come busting in any second.
“Shit shit shit! Is this why you’ve been so fucking distant? What the hell have you gotten yourself into?!” His pupils were blown with panic, and he shoved his hands up into his hair and tugged at the blonde spikes. ”Fuck, how am I gonna get you out of this- is someone after you?! We gotta-“
Izuku grabbed Katsuki’s arm, horrified by the incredibly dark turn this had taken. “Kacchan, calm down! Listen to me! I didn’t kill anyone!”
“Don’t tell me to fucking calm down!”
Unwilling to let this spiral any further out of control, Izuku ran to the nearest trash bag and ripped it wide open, spilling the few gallons worth of bloodied petals across the floor.
“There! see?! The other two are filled with the same exact thing. Everything’s fine, so stop freaking out!”
Katsuki froze, looking down in shock at the petals at their feet. It had been neither a calm nor orderly way to break the news, but… at least he wasn’t shouting anymore.
Izuku sighed and hung his head. He gave a dejected little kick at the pile with his slipper, sending a few petals swirling in the air. He hadn’t wanted Katsuki to know about this at all, but if he had to find out, this was one of the worst possible ways he could think of.
“Jeez. I can’t believe you actually thought I was a murderer, Kacchan. I gotta admit, I’m kinda offended.” He paused, frowning. “Actually no, I’m definitely offended.”
Katsuki didn’t seem to hear him. He bent robotically, picking up one of the full camellia flowers from the pile and holding it up to inspect it. Izuku felt his heart race and the roots in his lungs constrict painfully at the sight, realizing that now he was going to have to tell Katsuki everything. He was going to have to witness his rejection in person. He’d known his feelings were unrequited all along, he’d always known, but now he’d have to hear Katsuki say the actual words to his face. With how far along his illness was, he wondered if it might just kill him on the spot.
After what felt like decades of Katsuki staring at the bloodied flower with a completely indecipherable expression on his face, he turned his gaze back to Izuku.
“Izuku,” he said flatly, leaving no room for argument. “Tell me what’s going on.”
There’d be no use trying to lie about it now, not unless he just wanted to piss Katsuki off. Izuku closed his eyes for a brief moment, well aware that everything after this conversation would be irrevocably changed, and forced a regretful smile onto his face. He reached out and took the camellia from Katsuki, brushing some of the blood off the petals almost fondly and spinning the stem between his thumb and forefinger so the flower twirled slowly back and forth like a dancer.
“I have Hanahaki,” he said simply, with a lighthearted shrug. After all these years, everything he’d done to keep it a secret, it was easier to admit than he’d expected it to be. It was actually a bit of a relief.
He looked up from the flower and witnessed Katsuki process what he’d said, almost in slow motion. His best friend’s expression morphed from blank to disbelief, then to shock, then finally to absolute horror.
“Fuck.” Katsuki said, strangely soft. Then, with a jarring, wordless scream, he turned and kicked at the torn bag as hard as he could, sending an explosion of petals into the air. “ FUCK!!”
“Kacchan!” Izuku yelped, flailing his arms in an effort to keep the petals away, “Just-! Hold on, stop for a second-!”
Katsuki face appeared amongst the rain of petals, but by this point he looked positively enraged.
“How long have you had it!”
“I- I don’t- it doesn’t matter-!”
“HOW LONG HAVE YOU HAD IT.”
“A few years!”
“SHIT!” Katsuki swore, clutching at his head, eyes darted back and forth to watch the many petals as they floated to the floor around them. “Damnit! Of course you’d get a stupid fucking ridiculous disease like this!”
“I- I didn’t meant to,” Izuku said, still trying to get a word in edgewise. “It just-“
“When’s the surgery?”
Izuku’s breath caught in his throat. This was a particular part of the conversation that he desperately didn’t want to have.“Kacchan-“
“Izuku.” Katsuki breathed, grabbing his arms with an unshakable grip. “Tell me you’re getting the surgery.”
“I…”
”Tell me you’re getting the fucking surgery!”
”I can’t!”
For a moment, Izuku thought Katsuki might actually punch him in the face he looked so angry.
“FUCK YOU!” He shouted, shoving Izuku back a step. “Like hell you can’t! You are NOT letting yourself fucking die to this shit, you hear me?! Not for a reason as stupid as keeping a few shitty goddamn memories of some piece of shit extra, not on my watch!”
Izuku shook his head, desperate for Katsuki to understand. None of this was going the way he wanted it to go. “No, it’s not like that! Kacchan, you don’t understand, I physically can’t! I’m not eligible for the surgery!”
Katsuki cursed again and spun away from him to pace in a tight circle, like he was too furious to even look at Izuku in that moment but ultimately had nowhere else end up.
Izuku reached out, wanting to pull Katsuki back around to face him. He could already feel his chest tightening and tears building in his eyes in preparation for what was to come. He’d known that it wasn’t likely given Katsuki’s temper, but some part of him had still really hoped he wouldn’t be angry. He hadn’t meant to upset him.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for this to happen! I tried to fight it Kacchan, really I did but-“
At those words, Katsuki whirled around and was suddenly up in his space again, scanning him as if he could spot the illness from the outside, like it was shrapnel he could rip out or a wound he could patch up. Like it was one of Izuku’s bones that had been broken instead of his heart.
The second those bright red eyes met his again, Izuku realized with a jolted shock that he’d gotten it all wrong.
Katsuki wasn’t angry.
He was terrified.
The hands gripping his shoulders weren’t shaking with fury. He wasn’t shouting out of rage. Panic and fear like he’d never before seen were written all over Katsuki’s face, shining through in his eyes.
“Izuku, how far along is it?” Katsuki rasped. His voice sounded husky and strained. “How… how much longer do you have left?”
The first tear fell, and Izuku sniffed but did nothing to stop it. There was no point in trying, he could tell it was the first of many to come tonight. “The doctors said about three weeks.”
One of Katsuki’s hands drew away to press shakily over his mouth, keeping back whatever sound he nearly made in response, and the other dug fingers into Izuku’s shoulder so hard it hurt. He tore his eyes away to stare helplessly at the heaps of bloody petals surrounding them, as if it was Izuku’s lifeblood that had spilled out onto the floor.
Izuku tried desperately to find something reassuring to say, but to his horror he was wracked with a coughing fit instead. He panicked as he felt wet petals stick in his throat, trying in vain to force them back down, but the aching need to get enough air in his lungs had increased to a roar he couldn’t fight. He staggered, clutching his chest, falling forward from the sheer force of his body’s efforts to get the tangled roots out. Of course, this only managed to dislodge more petals.
Two strong hands caught him before he could hit the ground, and he had no choice but to cling to Katsuki as he hacked up a fresh, slimy pile of flowers and blood. Even through the pain, he burned with mortifying embarrassment at the thought of Katsuki witnessing this. Part of the reason he’d kept this all a secret was because he wanted Katsuki to remember him as he was, but there was no going back now. There’d be no unseeing this.
Izuku spat out the final mouthful of petals and gasped for air, his head clearing enough after a few lungfuls for him to become aware of Katsuki’s frantic voice, ordering him to breathe again and again, his warm hands still propping Izuku up and squeezing just a little too hard. They were both on their knees on the floor now, kneeling with the wet bloody pile between them.
Once he could take even, regular breaths, Izuku wiped his mouth on his sleeve and open his watering eyes, blinking up reluctantly to find Katsuki’s face.
What he saw almost broke his heart all over again.
Katsuki was utterly devastated. There was a deeply-rooted terror in his eyes, and he seemed to be on the verge of tears. It looked like he was in just as much pain as Izuku was.
After a few more seconds of letting him catch his breath, Katsuki spoke, shaken and dangerously flat.
“Who is it.”
Izuku shook his head miserably, tears starting to fall in earnest. He wasn’t ready, he didn’t have the strength to do this anymore, and more importantly, he didn’t want him to know. Katsuki was going to blame this all on the object of Izuku’s affections, he could tell. How would he feel if he found out that person was himself?
“Kacchan,” he managed out of his ragged throat, “No-“
“Izuku, who is it.” There was an underlying fury in his words now, though he seemed to be trying his best to repress it for Izuku’s sake. “Who the fuck is doing this to you.”
“It’s not like that, it’s not their fault-!“
“ Bullshit! ” Katsuki snarled, slamming his fist on the ground and causing a small splash of petals. “Tell me who is responsible for this!”
“No!” Izuku cried, shaking his head doggedly. “No, I won’t do it!”
“Dammit!” Katsuki gestured angrily around at the mess of bloody camellias they were kneeling in. “Look at what they’re doing to you! And you still love this bastard enough to try and defend them!?”
“Yes! I love them more than anything Kacchan, that’s why I’m fucking sick!” he shouted back.
The second the words left his mouth, he regretted them. He hadn’t wanted to say it like that, that made it sound like he really did think it was Katsuki’s fault.
Katsuki squeezed his eyes shut and bared his teeth in a grimace. At first Izuku thought he was simply trying to hold back his anger, but when his breath hitched he realized with a numb sort of shock that Katsuki was trying not to cry. It wasn’t working, and Izuku stared in shock as the first tear slipped out and ran down his cheek to hang off his chin. It clung on for a moment, and he watched it fall all the way to the pile of petals below.
Izuku jumped a little when he felt two hands carefully encase his own, holding them together in front of him. He froze, stuck in place as Katsuki slowly bowed forward until his forehead rested on their clasped hands
“Please,” Katsuki whispered, barely audible even in the small stillness between them. His breath hitched again, hot across their fingers. “ Please , Izuku. Tell me why this is happening to you.”
Izuku choked back a sob, knowing he’d lost this battle already. There was no way he could deny Katsuki now, not after that. He couldn’t stand the sight of Katsuki pleading with him, it went against everything he knew to be true.
“Kacchan,” he said through tears, “Stop it, no no no, look at me.”
Katsuki’s hands squeezed his tightly, but he didn’t lift his head. Izuku felt a hidden tear fall onto his fingers where Katsuki kept their hands pressed to his face. It became clear that he wasn’t going to straighten up until he got what he wanted.
“ Please, ” Izuku cried, “I’ll tell you, okay? I’ll tell you everything, just stop this. Please lift your head. Please look at me.”
Dutifully, Katsuki straightened out of his bow. He had more tear tracks on his face, but he didn’t let go of Izuku’s hands to wipe them away. His swimming eyes didn’t waver, waiting expectantly for Izuku’s answer.
Now that he was on the spot, he didn’t know what to say. He’d had years to consider how he might confess if he ever worked up the nerve to try, but he’d never imagined it would be in a scenario as awful as this.
Before he’d gotten sick, his only fear had been of ruining their delicate but no less precious friendship by admitting to the feelings he knew weren’t shared between them. But now, that was the least of his worries. Katsuki was his best friend, even if he didn’t love Izuku in the way he wanted him to he still cared about him deeply. Telling Katsuki that his lack of reciprocation was actively killing him would be putting a massively unfair burden on his shoulders that seemed downright cruel. The last thing Izuku wanted was to hurt him. There was no reason for Katsuki to feel guilty over his condition, but Izuku knew that he would anyway. That was just the way Katsuki’s mind worked.
But with the intense, expectant look Katsuki was giving him now, he could tell there was no avoiding it. Honestly, he was surprised he’d managed to avoid it this long at all.
Izuku looked down at his hands, and the strong, unrelenting way Katsuki held them between his own like an oath. He took as deep a breath as he was able.
“I tell you about everything Kacchan, I always have,” he said gently. “I’ve never been any good at keeping secrets when it came to you. Why do you think this time it was different? Think about it.”
He forced himself to meet Katsuki’s eyes again. He didn’t want to say it, but maybe he could find to get Katsuki to say it instead.
“What is the one reason I would possibly hide something from you as important as this?”
Izuku could see the moment the realization hit. Katsuki stiffened, fear and panic still haunting his face like a ghost but something more twisting his expression now too. His mouth fell open, but it took him a second to force out words.
“It’s me.”
Izuku smiled sadly. “Of course it’s you. Who else could it ever be?”
Katsuki was shaking slightly, eyes glued to him but oddly distant, like his spirit had just been crushed . Izuku could already see him taking on the blame, the mammoth of guilt shifting to lay across his shoulders.
“Kacchan, listen to me. None of this is your fault-“
“Why didn’t you tell me.”
Izuku chewed his lip, knowing he had to tell the truth but hating all his answers. “I- I couldn’t-“
Katsuki threw Izuku hands away, almost toppling him over with the force of it. His voice broke down the center with a sob. “You IDIOT! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?!”
“I didn’t want to hurt you!”
Katsuki grabbed a handful of petals and threw them at him with a ferocious cry. “Hurt me? HURT ME?! Are you fucking serious?! LOOK AT YOU!”
Izuku raised his hands to defend himself from the onslaught as Katsuki grabbed another handful of petals and threw them at him again. He could hardly believe it, but Katsuki was fully crying now, harder than he’d ever seen before. At this point, Katsuki was crying even harder than him.
“FUCK YOU!” Katsuki sobbed, punctuating each heartfelt curse with another handful of petals. “Fuck you fuck you fuck you! You weren’t even going to try!? You weren’t even gonna give yourself a chance by telling me and seeing what I had to say!? You were just going to let yourself DIE you FUCKING ASSHOLE!!”
“Kacchan, stop it!” Izuku fended off another handful to the face, “Just let me-“
Katsuki refused to let him get a word in, his eyes raging with a swirling inferno of hurt and pain and anger. “Even if you weren’t gonna give me a god damned chance, you didn’t even consider the surgery?” He made a pained sound and flung another handful in Izuku’s face. “How are stupid memories of me worth your fucking LIFE?!”
“BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE FOR ALL OF IT!”
Katsuki froze, arm still drawn back with a fist full of flowers at the ready.
“Don’t you see? I’ve known you since we were four Kacchan!” Izuku scrubbed at his eyes, trying to fight through his tears enough to speak coherently. “You were always there, even when you weren’t around I was thinking of you! You witnessed every win, every failure. You’re my victory and my hero and my inspiration and you made me who I am- removing you would be removing 76% of my life! The doctors couldn’t rip you out even if I wanted them to! There would barely be any of me left, don’t you get that! I’d be unrecognizable- I can’t exist without you Kacchan!”
Katsuki’s hands dropped to his sides, and the fistful of petals fluttered back to the floor. Tears still streamed down his face, but he just looked so lost.
Izuku had never hated his own unrelenting feelings or resulting illness more than he did now, after seeing what it was putting both of them through. He wished he could have just loved Katsuki the way he was supposed to. He’d always been just too much, and now he was going to die and Katsuki was going to suffer for it.
They both stared listlessly at the floor between them. It was silent for a long time, but Izuku could find nothing else to say, so he just waited. Finally, Katsuki spoke.
“That still doesn’t explain why you didn’t just fucking talk to me.”
Izuku laughed bitterly. He gestured at the dismal scene around them. “There was no reason to put you through this Kacchan. None of this is on you.”
He was shocked when Katsuki snarled and shot forward to grab him again, shaking his shoulders and shouting in his face. “NO you stupid FUCKING idiot! I mean why didn’t you TRY!? Why didn’t you even check to see if I loved you back?!”
Izuku made frustrated sound and shoved at his chest, trying to push him away. Why would Katsuki ask him that? It seemed unnecessarily cruel.
“Because I already know you can’t love me like that you jerk!”
He didn’t understand the reason why, but he witnessed something inside Katsuki shatter as those words. “W- why the hell do you think I can’t love you?”
“Because you can’t stand me!”
Izuku gasped and slapped his hands over his mouth, horrified. He hadn’t meant to say that, he hadn’t meant that. It had just slipped out. He’d forgiven Katsuki for their rocky childhood years ago, things weren’t like that anymore. Katsuki had been a great friend to him for nearly a decade now, his best friend. That had been an awful thing for Izuku to say. He shouldn’t hold Katsuki’s past over him, especially not right now.
But in the heat of the moment, he’d said it anyway, and part of him wondered if he subconsciously thought it was true. He honestly believed Katsuki could never love him in return, not the way he wanted, but… that belief had to have come from somewhere.
Katsuki paled, and he took Izuku’s words like an arrow to the gut, falling back to sit heavily on his heels with a huff like he’d been struck. Slowly, he lowered his face to his hands.
“Kacchan,” Izuku whispered. He wanted to reach out and touch him but didn’t dare. “I didn’t… I’m sorry.”
Katsuki lifted his head just enough to stare at his hands a few inches from his face. His fingers were shaking.
“Of course you think that,” he said, seemingly to himself. “I’m the one that convinced you of it. I told you that, every day for years. Oh. Oh god.”
He dropped his face back into his hands. “I’m such an idiot.”
“No, Kacchan, please don’t say that! I didn’t mean it, I swear, I just-“
Izuku’s voice was squeezed to a gurgle in his throat, and he suddenly found himself in such debilitating pain he could barely comprehend it. He clawed his fingers instinctively into his shirt over his chest as his lungs spasmed, trying in vain to tear away the unreachable roots twisting deep inside him as they spread with vicious speed. He bent forward and retched, coughing hard as he felt petals clambering up his throat.
He could hear Katsuki start panicking again in front of him.
“Shit! Fuck! Wait, no no no, Izuku listen!” He sounded desperate and terrified and unsure, all things Bakugou Katsuki should never need to be.
“I- I fucking love you, okay!? I love you back! Fuck, Izuku, can you hear me? Just breathe, fight it! P lease!”
Izuku could only cry out as the roots in his lungs spasmed in response to Katsuki’s confession. The pain doubled, and he screamed through his teeth.
He thought this might happen, though he’d prayed it wouldn’t. It hurt so much to hear Katsuki say the words he’d always wanted him to, all while knowing them to be untrue. Izuku understood why Katsuki was saying it. He knew he wasn’t trying to make the pain worse. At the end of the day, Katsuki was a hero, all the way down to his bones. It was in his nature to save people. Even if it didn’t happen today, Izuku was inarguably dying, and there was only one thing that could save him.
So of course Katsuki was going to try.
That was what made him so good. That was one of the many reasons why Izuku loved him so much in the first place.
But feelings couldn’t be faked. No matter how badly Katsuki might want to save him, he couldn’t force himself to love Izuku. Even if he could, Izuku would never want him to. Not even to save his life.
His head went a little fuzzy and he couldn’t catch what exactly Katsuki was saying anymore, but he could tell he was still yelling things at him. Katsuki had caught him when he fell, and was now holding him halfway in his lap, clutching him close with unsteady hands as Izuku struggled to work out three full camellia flowers in a row.
As soon as last one made its way out, Izuku went limp, gasping desperately for air. Each breath was a cold shock to his raw throat, but he sucked in greedy lungfuls anyway, fighting to get enough around the new root growth. Blood had gathered at the corners of his mouth, and it ran down his chin on one side. He could hear Katsuki crying brokenly above him. He couldn’t imagine how hard this must be for him to watch.
They stayed that way for a while, Izuku trying to gain back his bearings enough to move or speak. Katsuki’s shaky hands pet helpless at his hair, but it seemed less like he was trying to comfort Izuku and more like he just didn’t know what else to do.
Izuku finally came to enough to move, attempting to push himself up. Katsuki jumped to help him as soon as he shifted, supporting most of his weight as he got his knees back under him.
“Izuku! Izuku, did you hear me? Why is this still happening, I- I don’t get it, did I say it wrong?! Fuck- just tell me what to do! I don’t fucking know what to do!!”
Izuku clung to him, still working to keep himself upright. “It’s… it’s okay, Kacchan” he wheezed, “You… you didn’t do… anything wrong.”
“Then why is this still happening to you?!”
“Because you… you can’t force yourself to love me, Katsuki. I know you care, I know you want to save me but… that doesn’t make it real.”
Katsuki made a terrible, broken sound, releasing his hold on Izuku’s arms grabbing his face instead, forcing him to look up.
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry, okay? I’m so fucking sorry Izuku, for everything I ever said to you to make you think like that. I can’t believe I fucked up so bad I made you think that I couldn’t, but please, please, you have to see that I love you! You have to believe me! Don’t let me be the thing that kills you Izuku, you- you can’t do that to me!”
Izuku tried to shake his head, but Katsuki wouldn’t let him. “It’s- it’s not your fault Kacchan!”
“Stop saying that! It IS my fault! I made you so fucked in the head you can’t even fathom the thought of me loving you! You idiot, that’s MY FUCKING FAULT! You’ve been slowly dying for years because I was too much of a fucking coward to tell you!”
Izuku closed his eyes. Katsuki was falling to pieces right in front of him, and it hurt too much to watch. “I- I don’t want you to do this for me Kacchan. I don’t want you to pretend, or make up some story, or try to force your feelings into something they’re not. Really, it’s o-“
“If you try say ‘it’s okay’ to me right now I swear to god Izuku I’m gonna throw you out the fucking window!”
“Well what do you want me to say?!”
“That you believe me!”
“Well I don’t!”
Katsuki didn’t respond, long enough that Izuku got concerned and opened his eyes.
Katsuki looked like he was about to throw up.
“It doesn’t matter what I say, does it? You already decided. Without even talking to me first. You decided that you aren’t going to believe me.”
Izuku could find nothing to say. It was true.
Katsuki’s hands dropped from Izuku’s face.
“You’re… you’re just gonna let yourself die. I screwed up my own chances before I could even say anything- fuck, Izuku you’re just gonna let this shit kill you!”
He said it more like a building realization than an accusation, like he was voicing his thoughts in real time rather than directing them to Izuku. He twisted suddenly, digging in his pocket for his phone and hurriedly tapping out a number, holding it up to his ear before Izuku could so much as blink.
“Wait, Kacchan, who are you-?”
Katsuki glared at him to shut him, putting the phone on speaker and thrusting it out between them as it rang. They eyed each other in a tense standoff until it picked up.
Izuku recognized the voice instantly.
“Hey bro, been a while since you called! What’s up?”
“Kirishima, shut the hell up for a second and listen to me. I need you to say something, out loud, right now. Got that?”
“Uhh, weird, but okay. What do you need me to say?”
Katsuki glared unflinchingly at Izuku’s over the phone. His voice didn’t waver an inch.
“Who am I in love with?”
Izuku’s breath hitched and he immediately went to speak, but Katsuki shook his head in clear warning for him to let this play out.
Kirishima, on the other hand, was completely thrown off. “What? What kind of question is that?”
“Just fucking answer it!”
“Woah, wait, Kats, dude are you… crying?”
In the midst of everything, Izuku had almost forgotten about it, but tears were indeed still tracking intermittently down Katsuki’s face. Katsuki barely seemed aware of it himself, but the cracks still showed through in his voice.
“What the hell is going on,” Kirishima said, increasingly worried, “Did something happen, are you okay?”
“Just answer the damn question!”
“Shit, did you get hit with a quirk? Hold on, I can come get you, where are-“
Katsuki’s eyes finally left Izuku’s to glare angrily down at his phone. “Eijiro!”
At that, the voice on the other end of the line fell silent.
“I’m fine, for fucks sake- I’ll tell you everything later, just… I need you to tell me who I’m in love with. Right now.”
“…Dude. This feels weird. You told me not to tell anyone, I donno if I should-“
“Just say it!”
“Fine! It’s Midoriya! You’re head over heels for Deku, are you frickin happy now?”
In the following silence, Izuku watched a full minute pass on the timing counter of the call, unable to move, certain he’d heard wrong.
It didn’t make sense, there was no way Kirishima could have known to say that ahead of time. Katsuki hadn’t had time to text him just now, and he’d only found out about Izuku’s condition when he showed up at his doorstep. The only way Kirishima could have known to say that Katsuki loved him was if…
Was if Katsuki had told him that before, of his own accord.
Was if Katsuki actually loved him.
Izuku prided himself on being a logical person. He held firm to his beliefs, but if he got new evidence about something he was happy to change his mind. He never minded being wrong, he just saw it as an opportunity to learn something new.
But he couldn’t quite seem to fit this particular piece of information into his head. He’d spent so long convinced otherwise, his mind didn’t seem to know what to do with it. The thought of Katsuki loving him was a foolish flight of fancy, it was like finding out the sky was actually orange instead of blue and he’d just been looking at it wrong this whole time.
All he could do was continue to stare down at the phone.
When no one responded, Kirishima spoke up again, now sounding somewhere between concerned and slightly annoyed. “Bakugou, I swear, if this was some kinda test or something and you get mad at me later-”
Katsuki ignored him and plowed right on to his next question. “How long.”
“Kats…”
“How long have I been in love with him!”
“You said it started around the end of our second year at UA- seriously man what is this about? You’re freaking me out!”
That was all it took. Apparently, Kirishima having a specific date in mind was convincing enough for Izuku and the twisted disease in chest, because he felt the flower jerk and shrivel and pull away from the tissue of his lungs with a shuddering yank.
Katsuki had opened his mouth to respond, but he was cut off by Izuku’s near animalistic cry of pain, followed by horrific, full-body retching as he was overtaken by the final bout of the Hanahaki flower. This time it was petals, stems, roots, and all, finally leaving his lungs for good.
Izuku could do nothing but try to ride it out. It felt like some evil creature was shredding his lungs and crawling up out of his throat. He fought with all the strength he had left to breathe around it, but he couldn’t seem to get any air back in.
Distantly, he heard Katsuki shouting at a now equally panicked Kirishima over the phone. Eventually he felt arms wrap around him as Katuki resorted to just begging for Izuku to believe him, cradling him against his chest and pressing his mouth to his hair and insisting that he loved him over and over again. Izuku realized with a sinking dread that to Katsuki’s eyes, it probably looked like his plan had failed and that this was just another fit. One that likely appeared to be killing him, considering how violent it was compared to the last one.
It certainly felt like it was killing him.
He desperately wanted to tell Katsuki that it had worked, he believed him now and this was just his body finally taking the opportunity to get the terrible disease out once and for all, but he was a little preoccupied hacking up what felt like an entire eight years growth worth of shrubbery to say anything about it.
Eventually his vision started to go spotty, either from the pain or from lack of oxygen, he wasn’t entirely sure, and he started to wonder if he might actually be dying. Was the world really cruel enough to kill him right after he found out his love was returned and he’d been wrong all these years? The universe had never been particularly kind to him before, he’d started out life by being dealt the shitty hand of being quirkless, maybe it was fitting for him to die of Hanahaki while it was being cured.
He heard Katsuki talking again, and from the few words he could pick out he knew he was calling an ambulance. That was good. Katsuki was right about everything he’d said before, Izuku hadn’t given either of them a chance at happiness by taking the plunge and telling him about his feelings. He’d refused to believe that Katsuki, someone he claimed to regard as a hero, could save him.
Maybe he should trust Katsuki to save him now.
So Izuku let himself release the last of his doubts. With it, the last the disease loosened its hold on him, and he was finally free. As the world faded to black, Izuku smiled. He gave himself over to the hands that held him, and trusted with his whole heart that this wouldn’t be the end.