Chapter Text
The things one could do to themselves,
To have Lee Donghyuck
To please Lee Donghyuck
Goes beyond insanity
Renjun stood by the window of his small but neatly arranged apartment, his gaze lingering on the sprawling cityscape of Seoul. It was late, and the world outside seemed to hum with the kind of restless energy that always reminded him of Haechan.
His Lee Haechan. His Fullsun
At 28, their relationship—or whatever it was—had stretched into a tangled mess of unspoken rules and undefined boundaries. They weren’t officially together, nothing could ever make it to being “official” for Mr.Lee Donghyuck.
Yet, Renjun found himself hopelessly tethered to the younger man. Haechan’s attention came in bursts, intense and fleeting, like fireworks: thrilling, beautiful, and always leaving Renjun yearning for more.
Renjun was addicted to Haechan. He couldn’t breathe in his absence. He wouldn’t breathe if Haechan wasn’t to be his for a lifetime.
Tonight was one of those rare nights when the said man had decided to stay over in spite of his busy schedules. Renjun could hear him humming softly in the kitchen, probably making himself something to drink.
“Renjun-ah,” Haechan called out casually, his voice warm and melodic. “You should really stock up on better coffee. This stuff tastes like socks.”
Renjun turned from the window, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips. “Maybe if you didn’t come unannounced, I’d have time to prepare for your highness’s arrival.”
Haechan laughed, the sound bright and carefree. He leaned against the doorway, his dark eyes sparkling mischievously. “Touché. But you love having me here. Admit it.”
Renjun’s smile faltered slightly, though he quickly masked it. “I tolerate you,” he replied, his tone teasing. But the truth lay heavy in his chest.
Of course he loved having Haechan here. He loved it more than he cared to admit, even to himself.
Later that night, as they lay side by side on Renjun’s modest bed, the air between them felt both intimate and unbearably fragile. They had been lying on the bed, tired and exposed, the cause behind their naked body entangled and breathing so heavily, was obvious.
Haechan scrolled through his phone, the screen casting a faint glow over his face. Renjun watched him silently, his heart aching with a mixture of longing and frustration.
Frustration for the lack of commitment, frustration for the lack of a future.
“Hyuck,” Renjun said softly, breaking the quiet.
“Mm?” Haechan didn’t look up.
“Do you ever think about the future?”
That caught his attention. Haechan lowered his phone and turned his head to look at Renjun. “The future? Like what?”
Renjun hesitated, choosing his words carefully. “You know… settling down. Marriage. Family.”
Haechan chuckled amused, “Of course. Someday. But not now. I mean, I’m only 28, Jun. I still have so much I want to do before all that.”
Renjun forced a smile, though his chest tightened, “Right. Makes sense.”
He shifted his attention back to his phone, scrolling once more while Renjun observed his features, quietly counting the moles scattered across his tanned face. A sudden distraction snapped Hyuck out of his focus, making him start again,
“But I really want a kid though. My own child.”
Renjun waited for him to continue. Haechan looked up from his phone, his eyes sparkling with excitement and unspoken dreams as he said, "It would be fun if we could all bring our kids along and go on a trip together."
“Yeah?” Renjun couldn’t help the smile spreading across his cheeks for the adorable expression of Haechan displayed before him, while he spoke of his simple yet beautiful dreams.
“You’d make a great dad,” Haechan added turning his gaze towards Renjun, his tone light but sincere.
Renjun blinked at him, startled by the comment. “What makes you say that?”
Haechan shrugged. “You’re responsible. Caring. You’d probably be the type to pack your kid’s lunch with little notes saying, ‘Papa loves you’ or something cheesy like that. A ‘motherly’ dad I’d say.”
Renjun laughed, though the sound was brittle. “And what about you? What kind of dad would you be?”
“Me?” Haechan grinned. “Cool dad, obviously. The kind who lets his kids stay up late and sneak junk food.”
“And get timeout from your wife alongside the kids” Renjun added with a facade of playfulness.
Your wife.
A woman you’ll be married to.
The mother of your children.
The conversation shifted to lighter topics, but Renjun couldn’t shake the weight of Haechan’s earlier words.
Someday. Not now.
For Haechan, someday was like a lifetime away.
For Renjun, it was any moment now.
Any moment of watching the love of his life slip away to a perfect woman, the embodiment of all Donghyuck's dreams.
When Haechan finally drifted off to sleep, Renjun lay awake, staring at the ceiling. He thought about the countless nights like this, where they shared a bed, where they share their love. But not a commitment. He thought about the way Haechan’s touch always felt fleeting, as if he were a bird never meant to be caged.
He thought about the other people—Mark, Jeno, Sungchan, and countless nameless faces—who had shared Haechan’s affections over the years.
Men and Women.
And he thought about what he could do to make himself stand out. To make Haechan stay.
The weeks following their late-night conversation brought a shift in Renjun’s world—a gradual unraveling that he couldn’t stop, no matter how hard he tried. Haechan was still around, his presence warm and familiar, but Renjun began to notice the cracks in their dynamic.
Haechan’s texts became sporadic. The excuses for canceled plans started to pile up, and though Haechan always reassured him with a charming smile and easy words, Renjun could feel the distance growing.
"I think he found himself a girlfriend," Jaemin said casually one day in the NCT Dream practice room at the SM Town building.
"Huh?" Renjun asked, sitting upright from his stretching position on the cold wooden floor.
"Haechan," Jaemin clarified, tossing a water bottle at Renjun without taking his eyes off the screen of his phone.
“Jaehyun hyung said he’s been hanging out with someone a lot these days. And not just having sex but also hanging out” Jaemin glanced up from his phone, his gaze settling on Renjun.
“And that’s rare. My guy barely ever has sex with the same person twice”
Renjun’s heart sinks.
“What makes you think….it’s a girlfriend? It could be a boyfriend, I don’t know.” He asked.
Renjun asked although he knew why. He was just afraid to admit.
“Dude...” Jaemin started, fixing his sitting stance properly and setting his phone aside. “It’s literally so obvious that he’s far from being gay. Sexually attracted to guys? Yeah sure, he loves to fuck and be fucked by men”
“But when the question is about Women,” Jaemin continued, “Then boy he absolutely Loves women and it’s not just sexual attraction. He does it with full passion”
Renjun had known ever since the day Haechan backed him into a closet after stealing his food and kissed him, at the age of 15.
It became undeniable in that moment when Haechan, with a self-satisfied smirk, quipped, “Now I’ve made it up to you,” after fervently claiming Renjun’s first kiss.
Renjun had known, and so he had waited—waited before giving in to Haechan’s relentless flirtations, which had started all the way back during the Hot Sauce era. The flirtations that had eventually evolved into their current on-and-off fling.
Renjun had always known that Haechan never took relationships seriously, whether they were with men or women. Yet, ironically, when it came to being gay or envisioning commitment, Haechan was the least "gay" among the 26 members of the band and the most likely to settle into a steady relationship leading to marriage someday.
In a sea of millions, his eyes had always searched for her—the perfect woman to complement his male self, the one he’d eventually build a family with.
Until then, none of it was supposed to matter. Everything else was just... a fling.
Renjun grabbed his bag and walked toward the door of the practice room, ready to head home. As he pulled the glass door open, Jaemin’s voice called out from behind, halting him in his tracks.
“Renjun, it’s not too late to walk away from this,” Jaemin said, the meaning clear in his tone. “I warned you from the start. Don’t fall for the jokester.”
Renjun had no response to that.
That evening, as Renjun sat in his small apartment, a faint knock on the door startled him. He opened it to find Haechan standing there, his hair slightly tousled, his grin as radiant as ever.
“Got room for one more?” Haechan teased, holding up a bag of takeout.
Renjun stepped aside to let him in, his heart swelling with relief. “I thought you had a schedule tonight.”
“I finished early,” Haechan said, dropping onto the couch. “Figured I’d stop by.”
Renjun sat beside him, his fingers brushing against Haechan’s as he reached for a drink. Haechan didn’t pull away, but he didn’t acknowledge it either.
They ate in relative silence, the sound of the television filling the space between them. Renjun found himself stealing glances at Haechan, his mind racing with thoughts he couldn’t voice.
He wanted to ask why Haechan seemed more distant lately. He wanted to ask if there really was someone else. He wanted to ask how she was, how happy she made him. He wanted to ask if he wasn’t enough.
But he didn’t.
Instead, he leaned back and smiled, pretending everything was fine. He smiled, basking in the warmth of the human epitome of the sun, amidst the cold, bustling city of Seoul.