Might have been all the tulips and canals

by becka

Summary:

Tay is pretty happy hooking up with Gun and never having to think about relationships, but going to Europe with New shakes everything up.

Notes:

• For balefully.

Thank you to Lucy for letting me yell about this at length because the TayNew Europe trip 2024 left me fully unhinged.

I played fast and loose with the European itinerary because it was not really the point, so thank you for taking this in the spirit in which it was meant: feelings and pornography.

Title from Regina Spektor’s “Düsseldorf”, the best song I know about wandering around Europe feeling things.

When Tay and Gun start hooking up again, they don’t tell anyone at first. It’s not a relationship, and the office gossip is already brutal at the best of times. But when New finds out it’s been happening, he looks genuinely hurt that Tay didn’t tell him sooner.

“I would tell you if I was dating someone.”

New has been telling Tay about nights out with some woman who works in finance and likes Italian food for at least two months. Gun snuck out of Tay’s house at seven o’clock this morning without saying goodbye. “You are dating someone, and I’m not. Sex isn’t dating.”

“I still wish you’d told me instead of letting me find out from other people.”

“What other people? I didn’t say anything to anyone.”

“It’s fine,” says New. “I’m happy for you.” Which should tell Tay it isn’t really fine, but he lets it go instead of letting it be a fight.

Tay has a lot of experience fighting with New, but what he thinks about most is when they broke up in 2018. They basically hated each other in college, but that was almost impersonal in comparison; they were just annoying ideas to each other, not real people. Breaking up with someone you’ve pretended to date for two years is different, even if everyone always knew you weren’t together for real.

He remembers how angry he felt and how betrayed that New couldn’t keep it together for the sake of their career. And by then they knew each other’s weak spots, so every fight drew blood. They didn’t talk for months, and it was like an electric shock when they saw each other by chance in the office. Tay has never had another breakup that left him so thrown.

It was a relief to everyone they knew and worked with when they started talking again. And since then it’s been good. They’ve fought like friends instead of bitter enemies, and mostly they haven’t gotten sick of each other, even when they’re spending long days filming together. If New invites him for food or to watch a movie or to hang out and run lines, he usually goes. It doesn’t seem like Tay hooking up with Gun could possibly make a difference.

Gun is easy. They know each other well enough that they don’t have to pretend it’s anything it isn’t when they’re making out in Gun’s bed. He can go over there when they’re not busy and stay for long enough that they both get off twice before he goes home. It doesn’t need to be a relationship to be a good time, and it saves him from trying to date, which he doesn’t have the patience for anymore, all the getting to know you with someone who probably thinks they already know him.

It was never meant to be a secret, exactly, but New keeps implying that Tay is being dishonest with him, bringing it up like it personally affects him, which it doesn’t. So Tay makes it even more obvious when they’re all together, slipping his arm around Gun’s waist on Tay’s sofa and keeping his hand pressed tight to Gun’s ribs underneath his shirt while they watch a movie. He smiles at New when he returns from the kitchen with snacks, and their eyes meet for a long, slightly awkward moment.

Tay can’t say it, but he’s starting to like the way New looks at him when he’s fooling around with Gun, not exactly jealous but disturbed. As usual Off is there too, cheerfully ignoring them, an example New should have learned to follow a long time ago.

After they leave, Gun sinks onto Tay’s dick on the sofa, riding him like he could keep going all night, Tay’s hands following the sinuous curves of his body. He uses Tay to get himself off, and Tay can see his face, blurry and blissful in the reflection of the TV. He likes how Gun takes charge of his own pleasure, leaving Tay to follow him.

Afterwards, the two of them settle into a satisfied heap, Gun pulling Tay’s shirt off to sprawl against his bare chest. “Is Newwie jealous?” Gun asks eventually.

“He says he isn’t,” replies Tay diplomatically. “He says I just need to tell him if I’m in a relationship.”

Gun’s mouth quirks into a smile. “Does he think this is a relationship?”

“He seems to.”

“Maybe the poor thing doesn’t know much about relationships.”

Tay laughs. “Maybe he doesn’t know much about sex that isn’t a relationship.”

Gun gives him a coy look under his eyelashes. “Then maybe you should teach him.”

Tay smacks his bare hip. “You’re worse than our fans.”

“I’m better at some things.”

 

He and New are so comfortable with each other after years of intimacy workshops and TV shows and shared hotel rooms that it takes a while to notice that they’re getting even closer. They’re texting more often, having dinner at each other’s homes, slipping into each other’s lives in a way they avoided for a long time when there wasn’t a professional reason for it.

Since New always sighs and pouts about Tay and Gun together, their foursome cools a little, but Tay thinks after a while New will get sick of seeing him alone, of doing things with him that seem like dates. New jokes that he’s getting ideas for things to do with the girl he’s seeing, but Tay doesn’t even know when he has time to see the girl when he’s always inviting Tay over or inviting him out.

“You should tell him that,” says Gun, as though he’s an idiot. “Maybe he’ll realize he’s being really weird.” He’s sprawled naked in Tay’s bed, and Tay is running his fingers idly along the curve of Gun’s spine. It seems like the only time they spend together is late nights after everything is finished for the day.

“Maybe,” says Tay.

“Unless you really like it. If you don’t want him to stop dating you, you shouldn’t say anything at all.”

“I don’t think he thinks he’s dating me.”

Gun shrugs one shoulder, his expression skeptical. “Who can say?”

 

After a while, Tay stops hearing about the girl New’s dating, and he wonders if that means they aren’t dating anymore, but he doesn’t want to start something by asking. New gets clingier, more likely to ask him to go places, even silly errands he could do by himself. It’s not so much like being a couple as it is like filming together, New shoving them into situations that don’t make a lot of sense just so they can be together. As though New is now being sponsored by the post office and the ice cream shop in Tay’s neighborhood and has to take Tay with him to these mundane places. But he was like this when his last girlfriend ended things too, so Tay puts up with it.

Until he’s meant to be going out with other friends and New calls at the last minute to ask him to dinner. Tay says no, he has plans, and suddenly New wants to be invited along, although he doesn’t know Tay’s friends and it would be awkward to add another person. New argues, which has never happened before, and finally Tay snaps, “I’m glad I’m not dating you if this is what you’re like when you don’t get your way. No wonder your girlfriend broke up with you.”

New’s eyes widen in shock on the other end of the call. “She didn’t break up with me.”

“Then why are you following me around like you just got dumped?”

New hangs up on him. And that’s never happened before either. Or maybe it did, years ago, when they fought so badly they were always calculating how to hurt each other. Tay doesn’t remember specifically, but it comes as a shock now. He shoves his phone in his pocket and finishes getting ready. He doesn’t want to talk to New if he’s going to be unreasonable.

Tay spends dinner on a cresting wave of self-righteousness, feeling witty and correct about everything, but by the time he gets home, it’s broken and gone. New hasn’t sent him so much as a ‘fuck you’, and they’re going to go to bed in a fight, which he doesn’t like. Maybe New is already sulkily asleep. New has two modes of upset: loud and quiet, and quiet is always the one that makes Tay worry. He has trouble falling asleep, even though he knows being tired will only make the morning worse.

When they reconcile, it’s over milk tea at an outdoor cafe that feels intentionally neutral. It’s the middle of the afternoon, and Tay is intensely aware that in the next hour the school up the street will let out and the cafe will be flooded with kids and their phones. So he apologizes immediately. “I shouldn’t have brought your relationship into our disagreement,” he explains formally, “and I’ll reflect on that next time we disagree before I speak.”

“Okay,” says New, not meeting Tay’s formality. “What are you going to do the next time I invite you to dinner though?”

“It’ll depend whether you invite me too late and I have other plans.”

“Who did you see last night?”

Tay tenses uncomfortably. “Some people from college. No one you would know.”

New seems unfazed. “How was it? Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah, it was fun. Not too wild. I only told stories you’ve heard before.”

“Did other people bring a date?”

“Only the ones who are married, not everyone. There are still a few of us who are single, although we’re getting older now.”

New nods. “I’m not upset you didn’t invite me.”

That seems like a lie, but a harmless one now. “Did you find something else to do?”

“No. I don’t need to do something every night.”

Tay nods. “So everything’s all right?”

“Sure,” says New. “Everything’s fine.”

But it still doesn’t feel like everything’s fine.

 

Tay keeps asking people if New just broke up with someone, as though there’s any reason this fact would be kept from him if he had. Everyone they work with says they don’t think so, but New keeps taking up Tay’s free time as though he’s been recently heartbroken.

When he starts spending the night in Tay’s bed, it’s weird but less weird than it would have been before they were spending all their free time together. It isn’t sexual, lying next to New in the dark, talking about everyday things, talking about what they’ll eat for breakfast and when they’ll go to visit their families and things they’re watching on TV.

There are stretches of days where Tay doesn’t see anyone but New and GMMTV staff. Which is normal when they’re filming together, but they’re not starting on a new show for months, and he’s surprised to become accustomed to it.

“It sounds like you’re dating,” Gun tells him, resignedly. “Please consider the possibility that you’re dating.”

“He likes girls,” Tay says. New is visiting his parents for a few days, and Tay is free to loll around in bed with Gun for as long as he wants.

“Maybe he doesn’t only like girls. Look at what he does for work.”

Tay tweaks one of his nipples. “This isn’t a philosophical debate. He likes girls.”

“And instead of going out with any girl at all, he’s in your bed. At some point, you have to start getting some ideas.”

“If he was going to fall in love with me, wouldn’t he have done it a long time ago? He’s had years. He could have fallen in love with me at university.”

“You weren’t as cute back then. And your hair is much better now. I can’t blame him for waiting until you matured.”

Tay reaches out to shove at his shoulder, but Gun catches his wrist in both hands and pulls him in to kiss him. He loses himself in Gun’s soft mouth and forgets to be mad.

 

When they’re days away from traveling to Europe, Tay works himself up to addressing it. “Do you want to date me?”

It’s dark in his bedroom, and the silence stretches awkwardly until he wonders if New will just pretend to be asleep and not hear. They’re going to have a week of events and shared spaces, no privacy, no way to get away from each other. Tay pushes on.

“I just want to know how you feel. You can’t spend all your free time with me and have me spending all my free time with you and not answer a simple question. I don’t think you do want to date me. I think whatever is going on for you is not that simple, but I would like to hear it from you rather than making assumptions.”

“Then you need to stop talking long enough to let me answer your question,” New replies.

“Alright,” says Tay. “Then go ahead and answer the question.”

“I don’t know.”

It’s the worst thing he could say because it isn’t even funny, although there’s a smirk in his voice like there’s a punchline coming. Tay reaches out a hand to smack him in the chest, but New grabs his wrist and sets it back down to sit flat on Tay’s sternum. “You needed me to stop talking so you could answer the question, and then you give an answer that is not any sort of answer at all.”

New turns onto his side, so in the rustling of the bedclothes Tay does as well. As his eyes adjust to the darkness. He can make out the edges of New’s face, the slope of his cheekbone and the glint of his eyes when they catch the light from outside through the gap in the curtains. “You might not be very good at dating, Tay,” New points out. “I don’t want to date someone if it doesn’t look like it’ll be a lot of fun. Are you likely to be a lot of fun?”

“Have you seen me? I’m always the most fun. Is that the only thing that would stop you? Nothing at all more serious than that?”

“Nothing more serious,” New replies, but Tay isn’t sure if he’s just repeating Tay’s words back to him.

“I don’t believe you,” Tay tells him.

“Okay, don’t believe me then. When we’re in Europe, we can try it out and see. Maybe you’ll make a good boyfriend, and maybe you won’t.”

“Deal. Get ready for the best you’ve ever had.”

“We’ll see.”

Tay can see the corner of New’s smile as he rolls over onto his other side, taking most of the blanket with him. Tay claws some of it back, nearly spooning around New to do it. He already knows how New fits in his arms, but as he reaches in to grasp the edge of the blanket, he leaves his arm across New’s body for a moment, curling around New until they’re pressed tight together, New’s back against his chest. He expects New to tense and laugh and shrug him off, but New just tips his head forward, letting Tay shape himself around him.

Tay risks a kiss to the nape of New’s neck, open mouthed and fleeting. New makes a small noise, not a protest but an acknowledgement, and he doesn’t squirm away. Tay is tempted to stay like that because he wonders what it would take to get New to pull away if a kiss isn’t going to do it. He imagines turning New back towards him, kissing him on the mouth and learning what it’s like when there isn’t a forest of staff and cameras around them. Surely New wouldn’t allow that.

But instead of experimenting, Tay just pulls the blanket back to the center of the bed to be shared equally, and before he can think of anything clever to say, he’s fast asleep. His body apparently isn’t so excited by the prospect of kissing New that it will forgo much needed rest.

They don’t talk about the kiss in the morning, but New tells him he looks forward to being boyfriends in Paris, so Tay knows New isn’t letting it go.

 

They lose a day to the flight and land in a sunset that feels like the middle of the night. Tay’s glad he isn’t the one responsible for getting them where they’re going, and New is even worse than he is, stumbling along through the airport half-asleep. Tay envies his ability to sleep on planes, compared to his own gritty-eyed wakefulness, and he elbows New in the baggage claim as he’s dozing with his chin on Tay’s shoulder. “If you sleep now, it will only make the jet lag worse.”

“That’s a myth,” says New, lifting his head.

“I’m glad you’ll only wake up to argue with me.”

He feels New’s smile as much as sees it, the familiar curve of his mouth. His shoulder aches the longer New leans on him, and it seems like hours before their bags arrive, but he appreciates the heat of New’s body behind him.

They stumble into their hotel room, practically on top of each other, and Tay peels out of his clothes and calls first dibs on the shower while New is still setting down his bags. New watches him undress, his eyes still sleepy and unfocused, and Tay is suddenly self-conscious. He goes into the bathroom with his pants still on and strips the rest of the way there before stepping into the shower. All his shower stuff is still in his bags, so he skips washing his hair and makes do with the hotel soap. The water refreshes him, sloughs off a layer of exhaustion, although he’s still longing for bed when he turns off the shower and begins to dry off.

He tucks a towel around his waist and opens the bathroom door, unsurprised to see New asleep in a sprawl on the large bed. He’s only wearing his underwear, and he looks very soft and vulnerable with one arm curled around his chest. Tay smacks him gently on the knee. “Wake up enough to shower and brush your teeth before I have to sleep next to you.”

“Sensodyne made you say that,” New murmurs, not opening his eyes.

“And they’ll hear you having poor dental hygiene too. Get up.”

New opens his eyes and holds out both hands for Tay to pull him upright. They’re very close together as New nearly overbalances into him, and he can’t figure out where to put his hands on New’s bare skin. He’s used to New’s body, but the way New is looking at him makes it different, like there’s an invitation where one never existed before. So this is what it’s going to be like, he thinks to himself with rising pleasure and dread. He can feel the towel slipping at his waist, and he lets go of New’s hands to grab for it.

New’s eyes slip down, and Tay steps to the side and bobs his head toward the bathroom. “Go. You smell.”

“You lie.” But New goes into the bathroom and shuts the door, giving Tay a chance to pull on boxers and find his toothbrush and his moisturizer in his carryon. He lies down on his preferred side of the bed and pulls the duvet over himself while he listens to New singing in the shower and then brushing his teeth.

Since New didn’t rush for the bathroom as soon as they got to the room, he took all the stuff he needs in with him, and it feels like ages before he emerges in boxers and a t-shirt, smelling minty fresh. Tay goes back into the bathroom to finish off his nighttime routine, knowing New will steal his side of the bed and prepared to fight for it.

“Can I turn out the light?” New calls.

“Sure,” Tay replies around a mouthful of toothpaste. It will be easier to shove him to the other side of the bed if he’s already asleep and disoriented.

When he turns off the bathroom light, the room is still grey in the light of the city outside, and he can see the shape of New’s body curled around the pillow Tay already chose for himself.

He layers himself over New, trying to roll him to the other side of the bed while he groans. “Why are you like this? Let me sleep!”

“You know this is my side of the bed. I always want the side by the wall.”

New tries to curl in tighter. “So do I.”

“Then fight me for it.”

New uncurls a little, and Tay braces for an attack, but it doesn’t come. Instead, New turns his head until their noses are nearly touching, and his eyes glint darkly. He licks his lips so Tay feels the humidity of his breath. “Please, P’Tay, won’t you indulge me?” he says softly. “I really prefer this side of the bed, but if you really like, we can share.”

He’s seen New pout plenty of times before. New’s mouth is practically made for pouting, but not always at this distance where his little frown looks like an invitation as much as an expression of displeasure. “I’ll let you kiss me if you let me have the side of the bed I want.”

“Do you think that I want to kiss you enough for that to work?”

New licks his lips. “I think you’re my boyfriend for the time that we’re here, and a really good boyfriend would definitely want to kiss me.”

But Tay doesn’t know where to start with that. He’s never given much thought to whether he wants to kiss New outside of filming a series; of course he’s done it, but drunkenly, jokingly, and not for years. The thing about being boyfriends for the week seemed like a joke too, but now it’s clearly getting out of hand. Tay looks at New’s mouth in the dark, and he’s tempted, just to see how it would feel without the cameras or the crew or the makeup artists touching up his face, without a crowd of drunken friends egging them on. He puts an arm around New’s waist, pulling their bodies together so they align from head to toe, their knees overlapping as they resettle.

“What are you doing?” New asks, his voice still low and calm like he’s a hostage negotiator and the sides of the bed are the prize only one of them can win.

Tay decides he has to kiss him. He curls his fingers around the nape of New’s neck and moves slowly enough that New can see him coming before their mouths catch. New’s mouth is soft and dry, and Tay takes his bottom lip between his teeth and tugs. New doesn’t hesitate; he grabs Tay’s hair and kisses him more deeply, open mouthed and wet. It’s nothing like sweet, hesitant screen kisses. New is hungry and certain, forcing Tay to move with him until their bodies are layered even closer together.

Kissing New is like kissing a stranger, something Tay hasn’t done in a while. It used to be that international travel was a chance to fire up the Grindr profile he can’t use at home because he’s too famous and men just call him a catfish. But he won’t need to do that if New keeps kissing him like he wants to swallow Tay whole.

“Is this how you get what you want?” Tay asks, breathless.

“I hope so,” says New. He licks his lips and wraps his legs around Tay, trying to roll him onto his back and get on top of him. But he makes it too easy to tell what he’s doing, and Tay pins him to the bed again, pressing his body into New’s. He’s no longer tired, although he doesn’t know what time it is, and he wants to see this game to the end.

New looks up at him with his mouth hanging open like he genuinely planned to get the better of Tay physically. And Tay allows himself a grin. “Is that all?”

New shakes his head a little and stifles a yawn in his own shoulder. “Okay, maybe that is all.” He goes limp beneath Tay, looking up with his best pout and his arms loose. “You really want this side of the bed?”

“Yes,” answers Tay.

“Take it then.” New crawls out from under him and lies face down on the far side of the bed, his shoulders in a defeated slump. Tay slides a hand under his t-shirt to rub his back, and New makes a satisfied little sound. Tay keeps rubbing his back until he’s sure New’s asleep, his mouth slightly parted against the pillow on the less good side of the bed. Tay watches him sleep for a minute, exhaustion washing over him again until he finally settles in to sleep himself, his hand still resting on the subtle curve of New’s lower back.

They sleep late in the morning, and by the time Tay wakes to the bright blue sky outside, the night before feels like a dream.

“Good morning, boyfriend,” murmurs New, opening one eye halfway.

“Good morning, boyfriend,” Tay repeats. He reaches for his phone to check the time and their schedule. The shows this week are spread out across a few days, and it isn’t long before they need to get ready to leave. Tay is more used to being a brand ambassador than New is, and New trails along after him as they make their way through the fashion week crowds. He likes when New follows him, when he can lead him by the hand like a shy kid he’s never really been.

The day is long and crowded, and Tay picks his way through small talk in at least three languages to get them through it. After two glasses of champagne at an afternoon reception, the relief of a quiet cab is so welcome he nearly cries as they head back to the hotel. But New starts to talk suddenly, all the thoughts he didn’t share with fashion people spooling out of him at once. Maybe New grabbed an extra glass of champagne somewhere; he’s always been a chatty drunk.

By the time they reach the hotel, he’s quiet again, and Tay has pillowed his head on New’s shoulder, breathing in the fading scent of his cologne. He lets New guide him back up to the room where Tay collapses onto the bed face first and refuses to give up his spot on principle. So New lies down halfway on top of him and they shove each other trying to get the upper hand. The champagne has made everything syrupy and slow, and when Tay finds himself face to face with New on the bed, he kisses him without waiting to figure out if it’s a good idea.

New’s mouth is open in a laugh, and their teeth collide briefly before New’s lips soften for a real kiss. His tongue sweeps into Tay’s mouth, and suddenly it’s as desperate as it was last night, New’s fingers cupping his jaw and holding him in place. He doesn’t kiss like this when they’re filming, his tongue deep in Tay’s mouth, his fingers gripping tight. He’s like a different person, focused and intense.

Tay doesn’t know what to do with his hands, so he settles them at New’s waist, kneading at his shirt until it comes free, letting him run his fingertips along the small of New’s back, his bare skin hot and smooth. New is just kissing him, not telling him to stop but not making any move to take things farther, and Tay wants to know what New thinks he’s doing, but he’s afraid New doesn’t know what he’s doing. New is straight, and whatever this is must be new to him.

New’s hands slip down to Tay’s shoulders, and then his chest, and he pushes him gently away. “I want to change my clothes,” New says casually.

“Sure,” Tay replies. He lets New slip out of his arms, and then, dazed, he watches him change into sweatpants and a soft t-shirt. He doesn’t move, although his dick is rubbing uncomfortably on the fly of his pants.

New cocks his head in Tay’s direction. “Are you okay like that?”

“I’m just lying around.” He stretches his arms over his head, but he can just feel New’s eyes traveling down to his dick, so he puts his arms back down.

“Is that comfortable?” New asks, tugging his pants up over the inviting curve of his ass.

“Comfortable enough. We might go out again.”

New shakes his head. “I don’t want to.”

“There are patisseries on every corner in this city and you don’t want to go. Who are you?”

“Real French desserts can wait until tomorrow.” New lies down next to him again, on his front this time, and Tay wants to touch his ass so badly he can’t think of anything else. He reaches a hand out to curve around the one cheek, checking the heft of it in his palm, and New gives him an inscrutable look.

“Do you plan to stay like this all night?” Tay asks.

“Do you?” New replies, arching an eyebrow.

Tay gives his ass a light smack to watch it jiggle, then resettles his hand around the top of New’s thigh, fingers dipping in between his legs just to see if New will let him. And New does. New lets him keep trailing his fingers along all the softest parts of his body, his inner thighs and the backs of his knees and the dip of his lower back above the plushness of his ass.

He grows bolder, tugging at the waist of New’s sweatpants and the elastic of his underwear, which at least gets more of a reaction. “Shouldn’t you ask before you start with that?” New asks, eyeing him skeptically.

“Start with what?” Tay replies.

“Taking my clothes off. We’ve only been boyfriends for a day. I don’t want any rumors that you move too fast, or that you don’t respect my boundaries.”

Tay traces a line across his lower back. “Is this a boundary?”

“You aren’t treating it like one. You’re just touching my body any way you like.”

“Not any way I like,” Tay points out. “There are lots of other ways I touch my boyfriends that I haven’t touched you yet.”

“Ways you touch Gun?”

Tay smacks the top of his thigh, just under the curve of his ass. “Gun has never been my boyfriend. Do you think Gun would even know what to do with a boyfriend if he had one?”

“Maybe more than you.”

“Gun can fuck anyone he likes. Have you ever even had sex with someone who wasn’t your girlfriend?”

“No,” New answers slowly. “So I must know more about being a good boyfriend than either of you.”

“Really never?” says Tay, losing the point.

“Is it such a surprise?”

“In college I thought you would have…”

“Been a slut like you?” Fond. “No, I was okay with what I had. It’s harder now.” New looks genuinely sad for a moment, and they’ve had plenty of chances over the years to talk about the reasons why. He’s had a number of girlfriends, two of them serious, but in the end, it isn’t easily compatible with their lives. Still Tay figured he was going out in between, trying things out.

Tay rubs slow circles at the base of New’s spine, with his palm and then with his fingertips. “What do you want?” he asks.

“It’s not a matter of what I want, it’s a matter of what I can have.”

“Are you not too tired for philosophy?”

“It’s not philosophy. It’s a practical question.”

“So you can have me play your boyfriend for a while while we’re here, but you can’t have another girlfriend. You can spend so many nights in my bed because your future wife is taking too long coming. Am I your backup plan?”

“Aren’t I yours too?”

Tay shakes his head. “That’s definitely not what you are.”

New gives him a sly look over his shoulder. “What’s your punchline?”

“I could punch you.”

“Could we have what you and Gun have?”

Tay’s fingers pause, and he can feel New notice. He stretches himself out at New’s side so they’re eye to eye. This doesn’t seem like an experiment in being boyfriends; it seems like a real offer, but Tay doesn’t understand why. “You seem confused about what Gun and I have.”

“You have sex. Isn’t that the difference?”

Tay kisses his forehead. “You couldn’t handle it,” he says kindly.

“Your dick isn’t that big.”

Tay ignores the tantalizing images that conjures in his mind. “You haven’t seen it hard. Are you done with girls?”

“Is Gun done with people who aren’t you? I don’t have to be done.”

“I feel like your backup plan.”

New inches his face closer to Tay’s until Tay’s eye cross to continue to look at him. “Well, you look like my boyfriend.”

“Idiot,” says Tay. But he gives in again, pressing his mouth to New’s and kissing him slowly. More like a drama than a real romance. New tries to deepen it again, but Tay puts a hand on his chest and pushes him flat on his back again, leaning over him and showing him how boyfriends kiss. Or at least boyfriends in a drama.

New whines against his mouth, chasing him when he pulls away, lips parted and seeking. “Don’t kiss me like we’re on TV,” New says, grabbing his shoulder.

“Maybe that’s how I like to kiss,” Tay replies.

“You’re full of shit.” He leans up to use his teeth, tugging at Tay’s lower lip and making Tay kiss him harder. Tay cups one hand around the nape of his neck and guides him into deeper kisses, fucking his tongue into New’s mouth until New moans under him. He lets Tay lead him, now that Tay’s shown he wants to, and when Tay slides a hand under his shirt to fondle his abs, he shivers and tenses.

Tay has offered to fuck him before, half-serious and usually drunk, but he’s never thought about it the way he’s thinking about it right now. New is not a good enough actor to fake how his hips move as Tay settles on top of him, and through the flimsy layer of New’s sweatpants, Tay feels him getting hard. He presses his thigh down between New’s, and New is briefly distracted from kissing him as he fits his thighs around Tay’s to grind up into him. Tay knows that New hasn’t done this before, but he isn’t hesitating.

“Do you want me to blow you?” Tay asks. “That’s something boyfriends do, I promise.”

New gives a startled laugh and his thighs tighten around Tay’s. “As long as it’s authentic.”

Tay doesn’t let him know that this is entry-level gay shit, that it’s practically not gay at all because Tay’s mouth won’t feel any different from a girl’s. But New is looking at him like it’s different anyway, and Tay hesitates for a second as he’s tugging down New’s pants because he’s had a lot of sex that didn’t matter but not with someone who’s only had sex in relationships. And not with New.

New’s dick is stiff and rosy, bobbing with his breath as Tay licks up the whole length of it. He presses a hand flat on New’s belly to feel every new hitch of his breath and takes it into his mouth in one long slurp. New makes a little “ah” of surprise and bites at his plush lower lip. Tay sucks him slowly, wondering how long it’s been since anyone blew him. He hasn’t had a girlfriend Tay knows about in months and months, which is a ludicrous dry spell for someone who looks like New. Tay hasn’t had a dry spell of more than a few months since he started university. New was right to call him a slut, and it’s a label Tay is pleased to maintain now that everyone joining the company calls him dad, and not always in a sexy way.

New slides a hand through his hair, sifting the strands between his fingers in a comfortable, familiar way that’s at odds with the shocked look on his face. Tay shuts his eyes and silently resolves to make this the best blowjob of his life. He shoulders his way in closer between New’s legs and starts to play with his balls, tickling a finger across his taint and suddenly disappointed that he doesn’t know if New likes his ass played with. He doesn’t test it now, even though New spreads his legs wider, pulling his knees up until Tay can practically see inside him. When he starts to knead his knuckles into New’s taint, New yelps and his dick blurts precome over the back of Tay’s tongue. Tay swallows and keeps going, smoothing his tongue along the underside of New’s dick as New’s fingers tighten in his hair. Tay can tell he’s trying to be polite, and it only makes him want to see New lose control more.

He sucks New’s dick until his jaw is sore, uses every trick he knows to bring New close to coming and then pull him back. New squirms and gasps and lets Tay tease him until his thighs are shaking. When he can’t stand it anymore, Tay finally lets him come, rolling his tongue around the head of New’s dick as he lets him go.

Tay tests a theory that New will like having his come kissed back into his mouth, and New grabs his hair more tightly and proves him right. He looks soft and grateful when he pulls back, and his breath shudders against Tay’s mouth as he licks his lips.

And then his eyes spark, and he wrestles Tay onto his back too quickly for him to stop it. Tay digs an elbow into his ribs, but he doesn’t have the leverage for it. “Do you really want to start something like this with your dick hanging out?”

New darts in to sniff noisily at his neck and says, “You don’t know what I’m trying to start.” His hair flops boyishly over his forehead, and his cheeks and lips are flushed, and Tay lets himself flop back on the bed so New can kiss him. He remembers that he’s still in his fashion show clothes as New starts on his shirt buttons, slipping them open until he can push the shirt out of the way and rub his mouth over Tay’s skin. He doesn’t seem shy about this either, and Tay doesn’t try to guide him as New kisses his way down his chest, lips wetly open. He makes an encouraging noise as New opens his belt and the button of Tay’s fly, and a more encouraging one when New’s lips close around his nipple. He plays with it with his tongue, rolling it gently between his lips while Tay stares at him in mixture of pleasure and disbelief. His eyebrows are still carefully styled, and there’s makeup blurring his pores, but his lashes are feathery soft as his eyes slide shut. He lavishes the same attention on Tay’s other nipple as he tugs down Tay’s zipper, and then his fingers are pushed under the elastic of Tay’s underwear to close around his dick. His hips pump, pushing him into New’s dry palm, and New takes it in stride, shifting his grip to let Tay thrust through the ring of his fingers. Tay will have to send the pants for cleaning before he can wear them again anyway.

He watches New like he’s moving in slow motion, and it gradually dawns on him that New’s aiming his mouth straight for Tay’s dick. It’s hard not to think impure thoughts about New’s mouth, even when it’s not about to suck him off. It’s full and always deep pink, and New knows exactly how it looks when he’s stuffing things into it. He looks up at Tay as he rubs his lips against the tip of Tay’s cock, and Tay is certain he’s never done this before because he’s known New for almost ten years, but he wouldn’t know it from the look of smug determination on New’s face.

“This is what boyfriends do, right?” New asks coyly, his mouth millimeters from Tay’s skin.

“Sometimes.”

“Good.”

New isn’t as confident when he’s actually got a dick in his mouth, but his grip on the base is steady, and his tongue trails curiously up the underside as he tries to figure out what he’s doing. Tay feels him swallow and then ease a little more of Tay’s dick past his plush lips, and he struggles not to close his eyes. He wants to watch every second of this, every flutter of New’s eyelashes and the way his cheeks hollow as he starts to bob on Tay’s dick.

Tay slides a hand into his hair, guiding him down a little more. New hesitates, and then Tay feels him breathe in through his nose and try. His dick is surrounded in the heat of New’s mouth, and he moves his hips a little, testing out how much New will take. New’s fingers tighten on his shaft, slowing him down but not stopping him, and he strokes New’s hair to urge him on.

New sucks his dick like he’s studying how, trying out slightly different angles and speeds and getting used to it across his tongue. It’s not going to take too much for Tay to come, but New’s bobbing and weaving is slow to get him there. He groans and tugs New’s hair a little, and New looks up dazed and unfocused. His cheeks are so flushed they’re practically glowing. “Do you want me to come in your mouth?” Tay asks bluntly.

New blinks and then gives a tiny shake of his head as he pulls off. His hand starts to move in tight strokes over Tay’s dick, and Tay’s still so close that it’s no surprise that he sprays come all over New’s pretty face. Globs of it catch in his groomed brows and trail over his eyelashes. There’s a drop that trails down one cheek like a tear, and New lets go of Tay’s dick to dash it away with his hand. When he pauses to lick his knuckles, a flash of pink tongue shocks Tay to stillness. He’s going to think of this every time he has to kiss New in front of a TV crew.

New rests his cheek on Tay’s thigh and Tay keeps his hand gentle in New’s hair, separating strands that have been linked by mousse and volumizing spray, and New shuts his eyes to let it happen. His mouth is obscene, dark and lush, and he rubs his lips together like the feeling in them is new. Tay would normally start talking at about this time, but he’s busy watching New’s face and rubbing lightly at his scalp. Usually he thinks he’s pretty good at reading New’s expressions, but at the moment he can’t tell what New’s thinking. Tay doesn’t really worry about turning straight boys because there are plenty of gay boys who know way more about what to do with a dick, but everything about this is more complicated than a one-night stand.

When New turns to press his lips to Tay’s thigh, Tay’s heartbeat kicks up, his pulse throbbing under New’s lips. New’s tongue flickers against his skin, and Tay chokes on a groan. He’s too old to get hard again this quickly, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel New’s soft mouth like a spike to his balls. As New lingers over his skin, he catches Tay looking down at him, and his beautiful, terrible mouth curves into a smile. He doesn’t look embarrassed or worried about what happens next, so Tay decides not to feel embarrassed or worried either.

“Come up here and kiss me,” he says, and New crawls up over him to sink into a kiss. Tay rubs a hand down his back and coaxes New to settle on top of him, fingertips skating circles on the small of New’s back, approaching and then retreating from the plump slope of his ass. If he plays his cards right, he’ll get plenty of opportunity to get his hands on New’s butt before their days of being boyfriends are up. But he doesn’t want to rush into anything, and he needs to savor every second of proximity while he has it. So he holds New’s waist and kisses him until they both need to come up for air.

 

New has never had sex outside of a relationship before, and Tay can’t stop remembering that as they sit through events and stand in milling crowds of other people who aren’t particularly famous in France. It doesn’t feel particularly different, but sometimes New gives him a soft, tender look from under his eyelashes, and Tay wonders what a week of boyfriend fantasy is going to do to the rest of their relationship. That doesn’t stop him from tearing New’s clothes off as soon as they get back to the hotel at the end of each day or letting New suck him off before they leave in the morning. New’s mouth is every bit as good as Tay could have imagined, and he’s eager to practice his new skills. It’s unbelievable that he’s never done this before.

“When was the last time you had a boyfriend?” New asks him in the dark of their last night in Paris. “Besides me?”

Tay shakes his head. “A couple of years. I guess. It’s a lot of work, isn’t it? When you can just have friends and sex.”

“I don’t think it’s so much work,” New replies. “This week isn’t much work, is it?”

“This week is a special occasion,” Tay says, and in the silence that follows, he wonders if that was the wrong answer.

 

They take the train to Bruges from Paris, and then there’s even less structure to their days. It’s just vacation, and New is loose and happy as they travel, stealing Tay’s camera to take photos of Tay in the station and on the train, actually bothering to hold the camera steady and aim it at Tay’s face. It feels like they’re on their way to their honeymoon, giddy and sexy and a little weird. There are a lot of things Tay still wants to teach New about sex with men once they arrive. And New hasn’t shied away from any of those lessons so far.

The hotel room in Bruges is bigger than the one in Paris, but they stick close to each other regardless, elbows touching as they collapse on the king-size bed. “What do you want to see first?” says New, scrolling through some kind of tourist guide on his phone.

“Your dick,” Tay answers cheerfully.

New sighs and undoes the button on his jeans like he’s doing Tay a favor. Tay slides a hand into his jeans, fitting his fingers into the tight space behind his fly. New sucks in a breath through his teeth and keeps looking at his phone. It’s different from seeing him soft and pliant and tipsy on champagne in Paris, and Tay walks his fingers up the length of New’s soft dick in his briefs just to see the little shiver of reaction go through him.

“There’s a bakery at the end of the street with all five-star reviews,” New says, shifting his hips a little, trapping Tay’s hand in an even tighter spot so all he can do is wiggle his fingers around the shape of his dick. “It looks like they close soon though.”

Tay starts to tug his hand free. “You want to go there?”

New grabs his wrist and shoots him a withering look. “I want you to work faster.”

Tay thinks about trying New’s zipper with his teeth, but Sensodyne pays him too well for that sort of thing, so he digs his way out of New’s pants and unzips him the normal way, feeling up the slow swell of his cock through his underwear. New is still pretending to read on his phone, but it’s becoming less convincing the longer Tay touches him. Tay rolls onto his front to press his mouth to New’s belly, nuzzling at the soft little trail of hair from his bellybutton to his tented underwear. He smells like the train they came in on, but Tay scoops his dick free and kisses the tip anyway, sliding his tongue across the slit. New swallows, and his eyebrows furrow as he continues to stare at his phone. Tay tries to make eye contact while he sinks his mouth onto New’s dick, but New resists his gaze, putting the phone between his face and Tay’s.

Tay eases his tongue along the underside of New’s dick, and New’s fingers tighten on his phone, but he doesn’t make a sound. Tay isn’t going to let him get away with that. He swallows wetly and takes New deeper, ringing his finger and thumb around the base. He makes sure to make it noisy, murmuring around New’s dick, slurping at it like it’s the most delicious thing he’s ever had in his mouth. New keeps up the pretense of looking at his phone, but he’s no longer telling Tay about bakeries or anything else, and his jaw tightens as Tay coaxes him towards orgasm.

When New’s hips start to move, pushing up into an expectant arch, Tay pulls off and pushes New’s phone out of the way so he can look him in the eye. “We’re going to miss the bakery closing,” New points out a little hoarsely.

Tay tightens his grip at the base of New’s cock. “You can ask me more nicely than that, can’t you?”

“Can you finish before the bakery closes, please?” New says, dropping his phone and bunching his fingers in Tay’s hair.

“What will you give me in return?” Tay replies.

“Any pastry you want. All of them. If there’s a special offer to buy everything in the store, I’ll do it. But please.” He guides Tay towards his dick again until the dark, sticky head is rubbing Tay’s swollen lips.

Tay lets him take what he needs, opening his mouth for New to slide back inside. His cheeks are already flushed and his eyes slip closed, and Tay watches him lose himself in it. It doesn’t take him long to come, a few deft strokes and a little suction and he spills across Tay’s tongue, bitter and hot.

Tay wipes a hand across his mouth. “Will you go to the bakery now?” he asks.

New nods, eyes still closed, dick wet and slowly deflating. “In a minute.”

“Is it not going to close soon? You promised me all the pastries in Belgium, and if you don’t keep that promise, who knows what I might do?”

New opens his eyes and begins shoving himself back into his pants. “What kind of threat is that? Tell me what you might do if you want me to be afraid of it.”

Tay grabs his thighs and looks him straight in the eye. “I will stuff you so full of cream you’ll wish you were a pastry.”

New stares right back. “I’m not afraid of that.” He shoves Tay’s hands off him. “But I can’t believe you said it.”

They both dissolve into laughter, sharp and slightly hysterical. Tay’s heart is galloping in his chest, and he’s carefully ignoring how hard his cock is pressing behind his fly. He takes a deep breath in through his nose and out through his mouth. “Are you going to go?” he asks.

“Are you going to go with me?”

“Can you not buy croissants on your own?”

“I thought you’d want to pick your prize.”

Tay rolls over onto his back and gestures at his crotch. “I want to stay here and take care of this.”

New nods thoughtfully and pushes himself onto his feet. His lips are slightly bitten, and he tousles his already mussed hair in the mirror on the wall. “Wouldn’t that be a waste of cream?” he asks nonchalantly.

“Oh, don’t,” says Tay, cupping a hand over his dick.

New straightens his shirt and shrugs. “Your loss if you don’t want to wait.”

“Tell me what I’m losing.”

New gives him a coy look over his shoulder and goes to find his bag. “Wait and see.”

 

Tay thinks he should set himself up for New’s return, but he doesn’t know what New’s expecting. And he doesn’t want to try and put his dick in New as a surprise. So he showers the smell of the train off his body and doesn’t touch his cock even though he wants to. Then he puts on sweatpants but no underwear and stretches out on the bed again. He gets out his phone and scrolls mindlessly through his messages, but it feels like New’s gone for about ten years anyway. By the time New opens the door to the room, Tay’s dick has just about given up on its dreams, and he’s interested in the giant box New’s carrying.

“I just pointed at things,” says New, setting it down on the table by the window. “I’m not sure what some of them are.”

Tay sits up. “Do you want me to help you figure it out?”

New shrugs. “I thought you had other priorities.” He takes something out of his coat pocket and tosses it in Tay’s direction. It’s a box of condoms.

“Did you buy these first or second?”

“Second. Why?”

Tay shakes the box. “That means this is dessert, doesn’t it?”

“Did you jerk off while I was gone?” New asks, dropping the metaphor entirely.

“No, I lost all hope. I figured I’d be alone in this room forever.”

“Then you really should have jerked off.”

Tay rolls onto his feet. “I know how to wait for what I want.” He says it like he’d say it to a stranger, low and warm.

New’s eyes drop demurely. “Do you want a croissant? Or something else?”

Tay brushes past him to open the box. New really went all out. He counts a dozen pastries of all shapes and sizes. “Wow.”

“Do you see something you like?” New asks.

Tay doesn’t like sweets that much, but they’re on vacation, so he picks up a delicate little tart with a slice of candied lemon on top. New watches him bite into it, watches him chew and lick crumbs from his lower lip.

New’s own lips are parted enticingly, and Tay offers him the other half of the tart with his fingers. New takes it from Tay’s hand, rubbing his lips over Tay’s fingertips before he pulls away. “It’s good,” he says with his mouth full, “right?”

Tay nods and swallows. “It’s good. Very creamy.”

“Is that what you like? Really creamy?”

“Sometimes I do. Did you want to try something else? It all looks delicious.”

New stares at him. “Yes. I want to try something else.”

Tay licks his lips. “Then you pick this time.”

New kisses him, which is what he expects in the game they’re playing, but he’s knocked back a little as New leans hard into him. He sets his hands on New’s hips and kisses back, tasting lemon and custard. They stumble together, back to the bed, and New pushes him down and climbs on top of him. Tay lets it happen, the heavy press of New’s body on top of his, New’s mouth hot and frantic.

“What has you so worked up?” Tay asks, when New lets him breathe. “I thought I already took care of you.”

“I want to try something new.” He pushes up Tay’s shirt and kisses Tay’s chest. Tay’s dick gets back into it almost immediately, New’s thighs opening across his hips.

“What do you want me to do?” Tay asks, balancing his hands on New’s waist.

New raises his eyebrows. “Do you need me to be explicit?”

Tay gives his ass a little squeeze, leaves his fingertips there. “I want you to be very explicit.”

But that makes New duck his head shyly. “Aren’t we too old for all of that?”

“You can’t be too old to explain what you want. You can just tell me. If you’re going to be gay, you can tell me you want to take my dick.”

“You think that’s what I want to do?” New asks.

Tay lifts his hips, bouncing New a little. “I think it is. I think that’s what you were thinking about the whole time you were in the bakery. Am I right?”

“You’re not wrong. But I’m not gay. I’m just your boyfriend for the week.”

It hits Tay strangely, the reminder that this all started as just a game. He stares at New, and New stares back. “You’re a little bit gay.”

“Bisexual,” New says haughtily. “I could be bisexual. And your boyfriend for the week.”

“The week’s going to end soon.”

“Then you should stop all this talking and get to more important things.”

Tay strokes the curve of New’s ass, feeling out the shape with his fingertips, the way his pants stretch tight across it. “What are the more important things? Do you want to fuck me? Do you want the full NewTay experience?”

“There’s enough of the week left for that too.” New rubs himself on Tay’s crotch, rolling his hips and making Tay hiss in surprise and pleasure.

“Are you just checking things off a list?” Tay asks. “Can I see it?”

New gives a coy little shrug. “I’m experimenting.”

“Did you buy lube?”

New reaches into the pocket of his pants and pulls out a small bottle. It’s warm from his body when he presses it into Tay’s hand. “I’m not afraid to lose my mind reading powers, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“That isn’t what I’m worried about.” Tay slides his hand down New’s pants into the crack of his ass. New’s skin is soft, and Tay circles a finger just above his hole.

“You think you’re too big for me?”

Tay smiles. “I think you get what you ask for.”

New unbuttons his fly and tugs down his zipper, and the movement of his hips makes Tay’s thighs clench. The word “experimenting” rattles around his brain, and Tay is surprised to find that he is a little worried about that.

When New slides off him to take off his pants, Tay asks, “What’s the hypothesis you’re trying to prove?”

New looks at him with his pants halfway down his thighs, his dick pushing at the front of his underwear like Tay didn’t just make him come 45 minutes ago. “What are you talking about?”

“If this is an experiment, you must have a hypothesis.”

“I was never that good at the scientific method.”

“Bullshit,” says Tay. But New is naked and climbing back into his lap, and that distracts Tay from his doubts.

“I’ll tell you what I learn from my experiment when it’s done.” He leans down to press his mouth to Tay’s, and Tay watches his soft lashes as his eyes slip closed. He can’t let this be more than an experiment, really. When they get home, they’ll only be TV boyfriends again. But as New kisses him more deeply, he believes it could be real. Devastatingly, life-fucking-up-ly real. He doesn’t stop kissing him though.

New likes Tay’s fingers inside him, likes it enough that Tay interrupts his flexing and moaning to ask, “Have you done this before?”

New gives him a wild-eyed disbelieving look like Tay can’t possibly want to ask him questions now. “Done what?”

Tay rubs his fingertips over New’s slicked hole. “This. Butt stuff.”

“Yes.” He moves his hips impatiently, trying to get Tay back inside. “It’s 2024. Even straight people like to do butt stuff.”

Tay tucks a fingertip into him, stroking the softened rim of his hole. “How would you know? Aren’t you bi now?”

“Shut up.”

Tay loves how much he likes it, the easy parting of his thighs, the way he pushes himself onto Tay’s hand like he can’t get enough. He’s clumsier when he reaches down to guide Tay’s dick into himself, like he’s not used to the shape or the size or maybe the angle. Tay wonders if he did this with a girlfriend, if he got used to a little silicone toy that isn’t so much like flesh and blood. But they’ve never known those things about each other.

Tay pushes deeper into him, and New’s knees come up to frame his hips, squeezing tight around him. “Come on,” whispers New, resting his fingers at the base of Tay’s spine.

And Tay fucks him. Once he starts, New lies back and takes it, sighing in satisfaction, letting Tay take care of him. He was born to be a pillow princess, and he’s been avoiding it for thirty years, but he’s obviously into it now. Tay jerks him off to the rhythm he’s using inside him, and New moans and his abs tense like he’s trying not to come immediately.

Their bodies settle together afterward, and Tay buries his face in New’s neck with a grin. He’s euphoric, and New wraps around him again after he’s pulled out to toss the condom. Tay traces his fingers down New’s back, feeling the movement of his breath, and he almost laughs he’s so happy. They’re on vacation, and no one knows them here, and they can do whatever they want for a few days.

“I should have put the box closer to the bed,” New says forlornly, staring at the little table by the window.

“Are you really hungry now?”

New shoves at his shoulder. “Why shouldn’t I be? I went to a lot of trouble to get those pastries, and I should get to eat them. Get off me.”

Tay rolls off him and folds his arms across his chest as New rises to get the box of pastries. He holds out a butter cookie to Tay, bringing the box back to bed with him. Tay should chide him for the avoidable crumbs in the bedclothes, and that’s what he would do in a hotel back in Thailand, but he can’t make himself do it here. What does it matter if there are some crumbs? They’re in a land of no rules, on a well deserved break. He takes the cookie from New’s fingers with his teeth, letting New’s fingers slide over his lips as he pulls away to chew. It’s good, but not worth getting out of bed for in his opinion.

New sets the box on Tay’s stomach and pulls out something flaky and golden that definitely won’t be good for the sheets. Tay sets the box to the side and eyes New’s pastry-flecked lips with caution. “Is this really that much more exciting than sex?” Tay asks.

New shakes his head. “It’s less exciting, but if you’re telling me you can get it up again now, I don’t believe you.”

 

It’s hard not to just stay in bed all day. Tay wants to show New everything his body can do, wring every last drop of pleasure out of him that he can. He doesn’t know what he thinks it’ll do, what he’s trying to prove as he fingers New slow and slippery until he comes without a hand on his dick, but he wants New’s experiment to be a success. New looks shocked after, his mouth dark pink and gaping as he looks up. “What?” asks Tay, rubbing his fingers over the puffy rim of New’s hole.

New shakes his head and swallows thickly. “I didn’t think that could happen in real life.”

“What?” says Tay more loudly. He starts to pull his hand away, but New whines and shifts his hips, and Tay starts to stroke him again. “Haven’t you seen porn?”

“Porn isn’t real. Things that happen in porn are an exaggeration. Except coming like that, apparently.”

Tay pinches his rim between two fingertips. New yelps. “Maybe you really are straight.”

“Stop it. Come up here and tell me if I suck your dick like a straight guy.”

And Tay, with the barest hesitation, kneels up on the pillow and feeds New his dick until he’s drooling and struggling not to choke on it. He grabs Tay’s thighs, and if he pushed Tay away, Tay would go, but New’s fingers dig into his skin and New drags him even closer. Tay strokes his hair as New’s throat opens on the head of his dick. “Good,” he says, and New’s eyelids flutter at the praise. “Good boy.”

New works him in the soft, clinging heat of his mouth until Tay clenches his teeth and comes. Fluid dribbles from the corner of New’s mouth as he pulls back, and his face when he looks up is hot with a blush.

Tay flops down onto his back beside him and stares at the ceiling for a minute as New rubs the neck of his t-shirt over his swollen mouth. Tay’s already forgotten what else they were meant to do today. New had a list of sights to see that he read out loud while jerking Tay off last night, and now Tay is so sex stupid he doesn’t remember a single thing on it. The clock beside the bed says it’s nearly 10am when he peers over New’s shoulder at it. They’re probably supposed to be at a museum or in a hip cafe or touring some historic landmark. But none of that would really be better than staying in bed, would it? How many days until they go home? How many days until this intense play at boyfriending is over?

He gets up on unsteady legs and goes into the bathroom without a word. He didn’t think being boyfriends for the length of this trip would mean what it has. He thought they’d take sun-kissed selfies with symbols of the local culture and eat meals together and sneak photos of each other in bed to tantalize their fans. Not much, but something. Tay hasn’t taken a single postable photo in this room since they arrived. Every time he tries, New looks so smugly well-fucked that it’s practically obscene. He can’t put that out for the world to see, even if New would let him. Which odds are he wouldn’t. New’s sense of discretion doesn’t match Tay’s and never has, and that’s fine, but now he’s even less sure where the lines are. New hasn’t said anything about not posting CP stuff, and his feed the last few days belies how they can’t seem to keep their hands off each other. Tay has taken lots of pictures with his real camera, the kind he wouldn’t normally post until he gets home anyway, but he thinks lots of those are unpostable too, like his feelings are bleeding through the lens. He skims through them, and every shot of New feels too intimate, like something he wants to keep to himself.

Tay could hide in the bathroom ruminating for a long time, but instead he comes back out to find New sprawled in bed on his phone. He’s still naked, although he’s draped a corner of the sheet across his groin in a sick imitation of modesty that only makes him seem more naked. Tay stops to stare at him for a long painful moment while New scrolls nonchalantly. “We’re going to a garden today. Wear comfortable shoes. I don’t want to hear any complaining when we’re out walking around later.”

The illusion of sexy hedonism is shattered. Tay’s eyebrows rise nearly to his hairline. “Me complain that my feet hurt? Which of us is more likely to complain about being tired, or that his feet are sore, or worse yet about literally anything else?”

“But this time I picked the activity. Would I complain about my own activity that I picked?”

Tay sinks into bed beside him, then kneels across his hips to stare down at him. “You’ll complain even more if you picked. You’ve dragged me to every dessert bar in Bangkok over the years, and you hated half of what we’ve ordered every single time.”

“That’s not the same as picking the place though. We went to a lot of those dessert bars for work, and that’s totally different. We’re here for fun. Everything we’re doing is for fun.”

“Just for fun?” echoes Tay.

New squirms under him, nearly bucking him off, and after a moment Tay lets him go. He notices New hasn’t answered the question, and he tries not to feel anything about that.

 

They go to a garden and walk around the city until it starts to rain, and then they slip into a cafe, damp and smiling. New has been easy company all day, not even starting stupid arguments about who pays for the taxi or whether Tay’s right about what kind of flowers they’re looking at. New orders them drinks without even asking what Tay wants, and Tay’s pleasantly surprised when it’s a matcha latte and not anything weirder.

New sits down across from him at the table in the window and says as casually as anything, “I think tonight could be a NewTay night.”

Tay burns his tongue on a too-hot sip of his drink and hides his cough against the rim of the cup. He tells himself that not a single person here understands Thai, so New isn’t even being that bold. When he manages to swallow, he says, “Okay.”

New smirks. “I think it’ll be better than okay.”

Tay scoffs. “I guess we’ll see about that.”

New looks like he wants to fight, but maybe he isn’t bold enough to talk about how good his dick is in front of a roomful of strangers, even if they can’t understand him. “We should buy more condoms,” he says finally. “You can pay this time.”

“It’s not my fault you’re insatiable.”

New sips his coffee and looks up from under his eyelashes. “It’s kind of your fault.”

Tay’s body reacts to that immediately. He twitches and crosses his legs under the table. New smiles sweetly at him. It seems like the rain is only getting heavier outside. “We could run and buy an umbrella too,” Tay says, looking at the grey, wet pavement outside.

“You really can’t wait, can you?” says New. “That’s flattering.”

“Don’t get ahead of yourself.” Tay dips his tongue into his latte and watches New watch. The truth is, he doesn’t mind waiting. New will get impatient before he does, the same way it always happens. He sips his latte and makes some challenging eye contact.

When they do leave the cafe, the rain has slowed to a fine mist that soaks into their clothes more coldly than it does at home, and by the time they get to the pharmacy, Tay is eager to get back to the hotel and into a warm bed. It doesn’t feel like summer or even spring, and he wishes he’d worn one of the heavier coats he can never wear at home instead of looking at the weather this morning and guessing wrong. New looks at a stand full of umbrellas and then shrugs. Maybe it won’t be like this again tomorrow. Or if it is, maybe they can just stay in bed. He buys a bigger box of condoms with a heart full of hope. If New notices, he doesn’t mention it, but he probably does notice.

In the hotel room, Tay strips out of his clothes and calls first in the shower, but New barges into the bathroom after to join him. Tay makes some token protests, but then New kisses him, and he doesn’t want to argue around New’s tongue in his mouth. New’s hands skate down his sides and settle on his hips, and Tay responds by kissing him harder. The hot water feels good after the cool mist outside, and New’s bare skin feels good too.

New gathers Tay close with his fingers digging into the cheeks of Tay’s ass. “You’re going to wash here too, right?” New asks, sliding his fingertips into Tay’s crack.

“I don’t need your help with that.”

New smiles. “I don’t see you doing anything about it.”

“Maybe you should get out of the shower then. It’s crowded in here right now.”

“What if I want to watch?”

Tay doesn’t understand what’s gotten into him, but clearly something. Tay doesn’t think a week of his dick alone could be that powerful. Maybe New just needed to go to another continent to live his sexual fantasies. He doesn’t say anything.

New’s smile curves into a smirk. “What if I want to help?”

Tay doesn’t usually feel shy, but he hasn’t bottomed in a while, and he doesn’t want New to get involved before he’s ready.

But New must see that in his face because he leans away a little. “Are you not into this?”

Tay shakes his head. “Give me a few minutes on my own. Then I’ll be into anything you like. The condoms are in my coat pocket.”

New bobs in to kiss the corner of his jaw and slides the shower door open. He doesn’t even make a mocking protest. His dick is leaning hopefully upwards, and he tucks a towel around his waist before he leaves the bathroom to let Tay scrub himself down in peace.

He doesn’t know what he’ll see when he leaves the bathroom, but the sprawl of New’s body against the sheets is the best he could have hoped for, New’s fist closed tight around his cock, unmoving, bottom lip caught between his teeth. Tay wants to tell him he’s too impatient, but he’s too impatient too now. He layers his body over New’s and gets his thigh right up against New’s balls. “How do you want me?” he asks, his mouth nearly touching New’s.

“I haven’t decided yet,” New replies. His lips brush Tay’s, once and then again, but Tay refuses to get drawn in.

“You should decide soon, or you’re going to come before you even get inside me.” He rocks his hips against New’s, and New moves to meet him, their thighs overlapping, muscles tensing. Tay lets New rut against him for a minute before he rolls off to the side, cocking one knee up and looking across at New. “Maybe you want me like this.”

New’s lips part, lush, obscene. “Maybe I do.”

“You can have me like this.”

“I know.”

“So why don’t you?”

New sets a hand on his chest and leans over him, and Tay tilts his face up for a kiss before it comes. But New pinches his nipple and darts away. “I’m still deciding.”

“Maybe you don’t want to fuck me after all. Maybe you’re not up to it. Maybe we should just go see a movie or something.”

“Just be quiet.” He smooths his hand down Tay’s chest and across his stomach. Tay’s dick is half hard, bobbing against his thigh, and he watches New’s hand approach it and stop. Tay slows his breath as New’s fingers circle on his belly. He watches New touching him, his expression thoughtful, like he’s actually making a difficult decision instead of choosing the best angle to touch Tay’s butt.

“Turn over,” New says finally, and Tay rolls over without a fight, stretching out on his front and spreading his legs to give New easy access.

He looks over his shoulder and lifts his eyebrows. “Is this what you want?”

New’s eyes slide over his body, and Tay doesn’t need New to tell him he’s hot, but the appreciation on his face is gratifying anyway. He doesn’t say anything. When he leans in to press his lips to the nape of Tay’s neck, Tay shuts his eyes and lets New do what he likes. His mouth is hot and gentle sliding down Tay’s spine, and Tay’s breath catches when he realizes he doesn’t know how far New will go. Are straight people into rimming now too?

But New’s mouth pauses in the middle of his back, lingers vertebra by vertebra before he starts back up again. New is focused, not teasing or joking, just making Tay feel good. His hips move against the bed, and New sits up again, his dick brushing stickily against the back of Tay’s thigh. Tay’s ready for it when New spreads him open one handed, the other dripping lube into the crack of his ass. He thumbs at Tay’s hole, and Tay opens his legs a little wider, welcoming him in. He thought New would be impatient, open him up just enough to get his dick inside him, but he’s taking his time, coaxing the tip of his thumb into Tay’s ass, making him want it. He doesn’t hurry New along, or make a joke about the role reversal, going hot and tongue-tied as New spreads him on his thumb and forefinger, stroking more lube into him before Tay asks him to, like he remembers Tay’s not used to it.

“Are you good?” New asks as he rubs the tip of his dick against Tay’s hole. Tay starts at the sound of his voice, gives a hasty nod into the pillow, pushing back to meet New’s first thrust inside him. Everything goes dreamy and slow, New’s breath hot on the back of his neck, New’s cock filling him up. Tay wonders if this is how New fucks his girlfriends, but the thought turns his stomach suddenly, bringing an avalanche of others with it. He doesn’t want New to find another girlfriend. He doesn’t want to go back to being TV boyfriends if he could have this instead.

Basically he loses it. Everything he’s been holding in his heart comes loose as New moves slowly and deliberately inside him, taking care of him. He’s not used to the feeling that wells in him, and maybe that’s why he doesn’t bottom more often, but he can’t remember it feeling like this with anyone else. He’s clumsy and uncoordinated as he moves to meet New’s thrusts, and New’s body cages him in, warm and solid on top of him.

New reaches underneath him to get at his cock, finding Tay stiff and aching already. Tay lets out a little sob of pleasure as New’s fingers circle his shaft and begin to stroke. New’s breath goes stuttery and uneven as Tay squeezes around his cock, and Tay peeks over his shoulder to see a wild openness on New’s face before he schools it into a smirk. He wants New to feel it too, the heat and confusion that’s working Tay up to new heights with every thrust. He wants New to swear off women and do this with him instead, do everything with him, fuck and be fucked and wrap around each other so tight they can’t come apart. He hasn’t had a boyfriend in so long, but he would if it was like this.

When New comes first, he dips his head to rest his forehead between Tay’s shoulder blades. Tay squirms under him, chasing his own orgasm, so close he can’t imagine letting New go yet. His hand joins New’s on his dick, and he gives it a couple of quick tugs to get himself over the edge.

New pulls out without a word after, rolls off him and goes into the bathroom, where Tay can hear running water. He lies in bed with his eyes shut until New comes back and lies down beside him. Tay doesn’t look at him, suddenly afraid of what he might see in New’s face. Either too much or too little. When New slides his arm around Tay’s waist and tries to tug him into being the little spoon, Tay lets it happen, but New says, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?”

Tay laughs, startled out of his thoughts. “How big do you think your dick is?”

New smacks his hip and winds tighter around him. “I think it’s big enough. You’re being too quiet.”

“Maybe I’m savoring the moment and you shouldn’t interrupt me.”

“Then fix your face so it doesn’t look like you’re about to cry.”

Tay elbows him, although the angle isn’t good, so his elbow just glances off New’s ribs. He isn’t anywhere near crying, but he’s rattled. “If this is what you’re like when you top, NewTay is never happening again.”

New kisses the back of his neck, and a shiver of heat runs straight down Tay’s spine. “What if that means I need to practice?”

“Haven’t you been practicing all your life? With your girlfriends?” As soon as he says it, Tay realizes he doesn’t want to hear a single thing about the sex New’s had with other people.

“It’s different,” says New softly, no hint of a smile in his voice.

Tay shakes his head and lets his eyes slide shut again. New brushes his hand down Tay’s belly, pulls Tay’s hips back to meet his. Tay can’t think of anything clever to say. He didn’t think that having sex with New could make him feel so confused. He’s happy to fuck his friends because he likes sex and he has a lot of hot friends, but it’s different when it’s New. He didn’t understand how different it would be, and now he doesn’t know what to do with himself, with the growing understanding of what he wants.

 

They go to Amsterdam the next day, and it’s even worse. Or better. New’s list of sights to see is shorter, and the hotel bed is even more inviting. There’s a little balcony outside, and they fuck with the door open to feel the spring breeze and listen to the sounds of the street below. “Next time maybe I should do you out there,” Tay says, as New writhes prettily on his dick, abs flexing and cheeks delicately flushed. “Everyone should see you like this.”

“Shut up,” says New, but his hole tightens on Tay’s dick, and he shuts his eyes like he’s imagining it.

They haven’t done many shows where they have to pretend to have sex, so a camera’s never trailed lovingly down New’s body the way Tay’s eyes are doing now, savoring the arch of his back and the dusky peaks of his nipples. He snaps his hips up, and New’s hand tightens on his dick, his strokes getting faster.

When Tay looks at him afterward, he can’t help the swell of tenderness in his chest. He wants this to be real and normal, New’s head pillowed on his bare chest while they listen to the day outside. “I want to stay longer,” Tay says, carding his fingers through the hair at the nape of New’s neck.

“You really like canals?” New replies, muffled in his skin.

“Yes.” He doesn’t say, I really like you, but it’s what he means. It’s what he keeps thinking. It’s been a long time since Tay got so hung up on someone, but New has him fully twisted around in his own head. Gun has sent him various cheeky questions in his absence, and Tay has ignored them all, which probably tells Gun everything he could possibly want to know. But Tay doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to go home if it means going back to everything as it was before.

“Where else would we go if we stayed?” asks New, not looking up.

“Who says we have to go anywhere? Isn’t this good enough?” There’s laughter in the street outside, and a burst of conversation, and Tay can’t think of anything better than lying in bed listening to people be happy in a language he doesn’t understand.

New doesn’t say anything for a long time, and Tay keeps breathing steadily because he knows New could feel it if he stopped. “It’s pretty good,” New says finally, and he nestles more comfortably into Tay’s chest. One more day of being boyfriends.

 

They fly home together in a fog. Tay nearly asks if New wants to try out sex in an airplane bathroom, but he doesn’t know if their boyfriend vacation lasts beyond Charles De Gaulle Airport. They never made any rules for a joke that turned into so much more. New is reading an economics book in English on his phone, and the only time he even speaks to Tay is to read excerpts from it about personal finance. Tay thinks this is the unsexiest thing New could possibly do, but he doesn’t say that either.

They part ways at the airport in Bangkok, and Tay goes home and considers smothering himself with a pillow. Whatever switch he thought might flip when they landed on Thai soil hasn’t, and every dumb, single-minded part of his body (including his traitorous heart) is disappointed he probably won’t get to fuck New again. He’s glad he cleared his schedule for a day after they got back since in addition to jetlag, he’s got a lot of feelings he needs to bury.

It turns out a day isn’t nearly enough.

A month ago, Tay was sick of New calling him and inviting himself to dinner and generally worming his way into Tay’s daily life. It’s hard to believe now when he wishes New would call or show up at his door or do anything besides act totally normal. Knowing it will only end in Tay confessing something embarrassing, he asks if Gun is free to spend the night. Gun puts him off for a day, and Tay doesn’t know if he’s got other plans, or if he’s just reminding Tay he might, but when he shows up, it’s a relief.

Gun arrives with a sly smile and an overnight bag. “Why’d you ask me to come?”he asks. “Are you not used to sleeping alone after the last two weeks?”

“Maybe I’m not,” replies Tay, taking Gun’s bag and leading him into the bedroom.

Gun sets his hands on his hips in the doorway. “I’m not going any further until you explain what happened in Europe that you couldn’t even text your good friend Gun about.”

Tay rolls his eyes. “Whatever you think, it was probably that.” His throat feels tight when he thinks of making light of it to Gun, talking about New the way he talks about strangers he’s hooked up with, making it meaningless and funny.

Gun taps a finger against his lips. “What do I think? Did you get drunk and share a passionate kiss and then he put a wall of pillows between you every night to protect his virtue? Did you convince him that it wasn’t really gay if you just sucked his dick?”

“You’re way off,” Tay assures him, sitting down on the bed and opening his legs in invitation.

Gun leans in the doorway. “Did you watch him sleep and wish you were as brave as one of your characters who actually touched him? Did you cry?”

“You’re only getting farther off.”

“Then don’t make it a guessing game.”

Tay sighs and makes himself say it. “We had sex. A lot. Almost every night. He was so into it I almost couldn’t keep up with him. I thought he… I don’t know what I thought, but it wasn’t like that. It was amazing. It was like we were really together.”

Gun’s eyes widen in apparent horror. “Why did you do that?”

Tay gapes at him. “What was I supposed to do?”

“You could have done the same things you’ve done for the last ten years. You could have stuck to skinship like you’re supposed to.”

“Weren’t you the one who said to call his bluff?”

Gun finally steps up close to him, standing between his legs to stroke Tay’s hair. “I guess he wasn’t bluffing.”

Tay presses his face into Gun’s belly, breathing in the familiar scent of his cologne, clean and herbal. He’s been living in the smell of New’s body for two weeks, the mingling of the two of them, and he misses it abruptly. “I feel like I’m losing my mind,” says Tay, muffled.

Gun scoffs. “Not to be crude, but I’ve never had dick that good.”

“Then you haven’t really lived.” Tay slides his shirt up to press his mouth to Gun’s bare skin, a distraction. Gun’s fingers tighten in his hair.

“What did you do with him?” Gun asks.

“Everything.” Tay sweeps his mouth along the arc of Gun’s ribs, leans up to stroke one small brown nipple with the tip of his tongue. “Have you ever thought about fucking him?”

Gun cups Tay’s cheeks in his palms and makes him look up. “I’ve thought about fucking everyone. I thought I’d have to be a girl for New though. I thought he was particular about that. I guess your tits were big enough to entice him.” He touches Tay’s chest, tracing the shape of his pecs under his t-shirt. “Are you too worn out from your vacation to do me?”

Tay hooks his arms around Gun’s waist to pull him onto the bed, and Gun doesn’t resist. He’s so small in Tay’s arms, his wiry strength different than the solid weight of New’s body on his. He pushes away the comparison, loses himself in Gun’s smirking mouth and soft thighs. It should be enough.

“This is ridiculous,” Gun tells him in the morning while Tay is scrolling through his own Instagram, looking at pictures of him and New.

“I know,” Tay replies heavily. “I told you last night, I think I’m losing my mind.”

“Well, I can’t have you thinking of another boy while you’re with me. Think what that might do to my self-esteem.” He rolls out of Tay’s bed, letting Tay admire his naked ass as he searches for his underwear.

“I don’t think you have a problem with your self-esteem,” says Tay.

“And I’d like to keep it that way. Sort whatever this is out. I don’t mind how, but I’d rather you make less of a mess than you did the last time you broke up with him.” He kisses Tay’s forehead before he leaves, and Tay shrugs into a robe to see him to his car. He’s never been the object of Gun’s pity before, and he loathes it with every fiber of his being. He’s in his thirties. He has a nice house and a successful career. He’s older than his parents were when he was born. He shouldn’t be mooning over a boy this way.

But New hasn’t even texted him since they got back. Is he ashamed of how he acted in Europe? Is he embarrassed that he got so into the act of being boyfriends? Or is he not thinking of Tay at all? New’s spent the last few months in constant contact, but maybe he’s finally got it out of his system. Tay is getting into some kind of spiral about it, which won’t help. He goes to the gym.

He doesn’t think about how many people he regularly runs into at the gym until he’s already there and spotting Force on the free weights. He’s out of his routine after two weeks away, and standing in the middle of the weight room looking lost wasn’t doing his body any favors, so this is fine. He decides to work legs while he’s watching Force finish his sets, and then there’s a pattern he knows, which is comforting.

At least no one else is around when he runs into New in the locker room. Tay is about to get into the shower, nothing but a towel around his waist, when New walks in in street clothes. He smiles like everything’s normal, although Tay notices New’s keeping his eyes firmly on Tay’s face. “This is punishment for all those pastries, right?” New says.

“You could call it that.”

New’s eyes dip, briefly, and Tay wants to pin him to a locker and tear all his clothes off, but they haven’t even spoken to each other since the airport. “I should get started,” says New. “I have even more to atone for than you do.”

Tay laughs a forced little laugh that doesn’t sound remotely like he thinks New’s funny, and New slides past him to a locker. He means the viennoiserie and not Tay’s dick. He must. Tay beat all the homophobic jokes out of him years ago, mostly figuratively, and he wouldn’t say to Tay’s face that he regretted it in that offhand way. If he regrets it, it won’t stay a quiet little jab.

In the showers, Tay turns his head sharply when he hears someone behind him, but it’s a stranger. He nearly forgets to rinse his hair before he turns the water off, and then he yanks on his clothes and flees as quickly as he can.

 

It feels good to be back at work, feeling busy and important, and Tay is glad for the parts of his career that don’t involve New, who still hasn’t texted or called.

He goes down to the GMMTV office to talk about a possible hosting gig, and everything is just as it usually is, and Tay can be friendly and normal because no one thinks he has any reason not to be.

But then he has to contend with all the people stopping him in the hallway to ask how fashion week was and whether the food in Paris is as good as everyone says, and no one even mentions New’s name, but he’s there in the subtext of every conversation.

It’s after five when he thinks he’s finally going to make his escape, and he’s standing in front of the elevator when Joong appears from nowhere and taps him on the shoulder. Tay likes Joong; he’s young and hot and embraces his own chaos in a way that reminds Tay of himself. “How was Europe?” says Joong, and Tay gives an enthusiastic version of the same answer he’s given everyone else.

In the middle of it, the elevator arrives and they all get in, Tay and Joong and the guy Joong’s with who hasn’t been introduced. Tay hits the button for the lobby, since he got a ride share instead of driving, but Joong says, “Hey, do you want to come out with us, P’Tay? This is Est. He just started, so I’m telling him all the good gossip. And you know way more of it than I do. I’ll drive.”

Tay might not say yes on another day, but Joong’s body language says he’s trying to impress this new boy, which is always interesting. So he follows them down to the parking garage.

He spends the ride to a bar Joong likes trying to figure out if Joong and Est are already fucking, but he’s still hazy by the time they get out. Joong likes to give the impression he could be fucking anyone at any time. Est seems polite in a way that makes Tay feel old, but he’s new, and that’s not unusual. “What did you do before you signed with GMM?”

“I’m a swimmer,” says Est.

“He has an incredible body,” adds Joong. “And he’s very fast.”

“I’m sure,” says Tay with a neutral smile.

Joong points to the happy hour menu on the table. “What are you drinking? First round’s on me.”

“I thought all the rounds would be on you if you want the really good gossip,” Tay tells him, but before Joong can reply, Tay waves him off. “Let me pay. We need to welcome your friend to the company.” He puts a little emphasis on “friend” and Joong grins.

They order a round of cocktails, and Tay begins explaining what the company was like when he started, back before anyone knew how fast the BL industry in Thailand would grow. This makes him feel old too, the length of his memory compared to guys ten years younger than he is. “You’re probably too young to have watched anything from when I was first starting, which is good because none of it was very good.”

“I watched Waterboyy,” Est admits. “Because it was about swimming. We’d all watch together in high school.”

“Tell P’Tay you thought his partner was sexy in a swimsuit.”

Est laughs, and it’s sweet that he won’t say it, but he’s blushing a little.

“Don’t ever tell him he’s sexy,” says Tay. “It’ll go to his head.” He sips his drink and tries not to give himself away. New is part of so many of his best stories, and Tay can’t get tongue tied over him in front of these kids. He soldiers on, not giving away anyone’s secrets including his own but skimming the line. Joong fills in details where he can and makes sure Est knows who he doesn’t like, and before Tay knows it, two hours have passed and several rounds of drinks. Est’s cheeks are pink, and Joong’s eyes are bright with laughter, and Tay can feel himself sweating and he remembers he hasn’t eaten anything since the morning. “I’m going to close my tab,” he tells them, his tongue unwieldy. “This has been fun.”

Joong grabs his elbow. “One more round. I’ll buy. You’ve been so generous.”

And he comes back with three shots with slices of candied lemon on top. Tay’s brain sails straight back to the pastries in Belgium, the taste of lemon and cream on New’s tongue. He’s too drunk to defend against the memory and then all the others that come with it.

Joong and Est are staring at him staring at a slice of lemon between his fingers. Tay shakes his head to clear it. He holds up the shot to toast and they take them together. “Now I’m really going to close my tab.” He pops the lemon into his mouth, sugar crystals melting on his tongue, and turns to the bar where there’s suddenly a rush of people ordering.

While he waits, he pulls out his phone, and what he should do is call a ride, but what he does is text New. Did you prove your hypothesis? He can see it’s read immediately, and New starts typing. But before he can reply, Tay clarifies, Did the scientific method tell you whether you only want to fuck men in Europe?

The typing stops. Tay feels a surge of anger, hot and irrational. New could at least respond to him. He’s taking his card back from the bartender when his phone starts to buzz in his hand. New is calling him. He declines and goes back to their table, trying a smile. He needs to go home. “You won’t drive, will you?” he says to Joong, too sharply.

Joong shakes his head like a scolded kid. “We’ll get some food around here and sober up. You can come if you want.”

Tay’s phone starts to buzz again. He declines again. “I need to get home. This was fun though. Let’s do it again sometime.”

He walks away from the table, and his phone is buzzing again by the time he gets to the door. The heat outside hits him like dunking his head in soup. He answers the phone. “What?”

“What yourself?” replies New sharply. “Are you angry at me?”

“Maybe,” says Tay. He leans against the wall beside the bar door and closes his eyes. “Probably.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Definitely.”

New’s voice softens. “Where are you?”

“Out,” says Tay, like a petulant teenager.

“Can I come get you? You asked me a question and I don’t want to answer it that way.”

If New picks him up just to let him down easy, Tay may as well lie down in front of his car. “Maybe I don’t want an answer.”

“Just let me come get you. Are you alone?”

Tay thinks of Joong and Est, who could walk out of the bar at any moment and see him making a fool of himself on the sidewalk. “I wasn’t drinking alone. But now I’m.” He takes a few steady steps away from the bar, but he doesn’t know where he’s going. It’s too early to be this drunk. “I’m alone.” It sounds like a more existential statement coming out of his mouth.

“Send me your location,” says New, making it an order.

Tay does. Maybe New will put him out of his misery at least.

“Stay there, okay? I will not go driving all over looking for you if you move.”

“Won’t you?”

“Don’t test me.” He hangs up.

Tay shoves his phone back into his pocket and swipes a forearm across his damp forehead. A moment later, Joong and Est come out of the bar, shoulder to shoulder, and Tay thinks if they haven’t fucked yet, they will tonight. They look surprised to see him. “My ride is taking a while. I guess it’s a busy time,” he explains.

“You could still cancel and come with us,” Joong says, but the invitation is reluctant now, and Tay wouldn’t take it anyway.

They walk off together, and Tay watches them out of sight around a corner. He’s been staring at the sky for a while when New honks at him from the street.

Tay doesn’t want to look at him and can’t stop looking at him as he slides into the passenger seat. New hands him a bottle of water, and he rolls its cold surface across his temples before he opens it. “Thanks,” he manages.

“You’re welcome. Who were you drinking with?”

“Joong. Est, who might be Joong’s boyfriend. He’s new.”

“New to being Joong’s boyfriend?”

“No, new at work. He’s doing a show with LYKN.”

“Oh.”

“He may also be new as Joong’s boyfriend. I shouldn’t drink with youngsters like that.”

“You should know better. Drink your water, uncle.”

“Shut up if you don’t want to be wearing this water.” He realizes they’re not headed for his house. “Where are we going?”

“My place. I told you I don’t want to text about those things.”

“I just want to go home.”

New glances at him, steely. “I think we need to talk first.”

Tay crunches the plastic in his hand. “Then maybe you should have said anything at all the last few days.” He takes a belligerent swallow of water.

“I didn’t know what to say.”

“Do you know now?”

New nods, and they drive on in silence through the dark. Tay finishes his water and lets the air conditioning wash over him. His head is still swimming.

“I didn’t know you were angry,” says New after a while.

“I didn’t know I was angry until I was drunk.” But he is angry, a low simmer in his chest that hasn’t gone away.

They pull into New’s garage and get out of the car. New watches Tay to make sure he isn’t about to keel over on the way inside, but he doesn’t come near enough to touch. Tay thinks this is an awful lot of trouble to go to just to break his heart, and that’s melodramatic, but he’s drunk and he can’t stop looking at New and wanting him.

New makes him sit down on the sofa, and Tay digs himself into a corner and surrounds himself with pillows like a fortress while New gets him a glass of water to replace the empty bottle “What do you want to say?” Tay says instead of thank you, as their fingers brush around the glass.

New sits down beside him. “I don’t want what you and Gun have.”

“Is that because you’re straight now that we’re home?”

Tay appreciates how New’s eyes slide bashfully downward. “I don’t think I could be straight after the things we did.”

“You’d be surprised.” Tay gulps half his water, and New watches his throat work.

“You fucked him as soon as you got home, didn’t you?”

Tay shakes his head. “Not as soon as.”

“But you’ve already done it. It’s been less than a week. You couldn’t wait to do it with someone who wasn’t me. And then you went out with Joong.”

“I didn’t sleep with Joong.”

“But you would have, right? You can have anyone you want and that’s how you like it?”

Tay is too drunk to understand what New’s point is. “You could have anyone you want too.”

“I don’t want that. I don’t want sex like that. I feel so fucking jealous and stupid when I think of… I just want a relationship. And I can’t have that.”

“Because the fans drive your girlfriends away.”

“Because my experiment failed and you don’t want to be my boyfriend.”

Tay sets his glass down and puts his head in his hands. “You haven’t talked to me in almost a week.”

“You haven’t talked to me either.”

“Before we went to Europe, you were constantly at my house and calling me and hanging around.”

“Don’t you understand why I had to stop?”

“No! I don’t understand any of this. I haven’t stopped thinking about you in days. Gun feels sorry for me. I’m pathetic. I do want you to be my boyfriend, and that’s pathetic.”

“I don’t want a boyfriend who fucks other people. I don’t want to see Gun in an ad in the supermarket and feel jealous that he gets to have you too.”

“But Gun has never been my boyfriend.”

“He’s someone you fuck, and I have to see it all the time when I want…” He cuts himself off and shakes his head.

Tay thinks he finally gets it, and his heart starts beating madly. “Wait. Wait.”

“Okay, I’m waiting.”

“I thought the experiment ended because we came home. But it ended because you thought I wouldn’t want only you if I could have everyone else?”

“Yes.”

“So if I just want you, we could both stop being stupid and miserable?”

“Don’t talk to me in hypotheticals.” And finally Tay is clear-eyed enough to see that New is every bit as pathetic as he is.

Tay dislodges his pillow wall to grab New by the back of the neck and bring their faces close. “I want you, not hypothetically,” he says, and then they’re kissing, deep and hot, New’s tongue meeting his, New’s fingers digging into his hair to pull him closer. Tay is clumsy, eager and still drunk, as he presses New into the couch. Everything else he’s willing to figure out if they can just have this.

New goes with it, his eyes soft and trusting when he looks up as Tay pulls away to catch his breath. Tay can feel sweat sticking his clothes to his skin, his hair flopping limply, but New just pulls him greedily in again, fingers tracing down Tay’s back to free his shirt from his pants. They kiss until Tay thinks he could get off just riding New’s thigh.

“If you’re sober enough, I have condoms upstairs,” New says, lips kiss swollen, his dick pressing heavy against Tay’s hip.

Sitting up makes Tay woozy, and his stomach gives a warning growl as he steadies himself on the back of the sofa, New’s thighs still hooked around his.

“Are you going to puke or do you need to eat something?” New asks him, clearly reassessing whether he’s sober enough.

“I haven’t eaten anything,” Tay admits sheepishly. He hasn’t been so drunk that he threw up in years, but he remembers that feeling, and it’s different. “I was too upset to think clearly because you wouldn’t be my boyfriend.”

New sighs, exasperated but fond. He looks at his watch. “Get off me and I’ll order something. Who gets so drunk this time of day?”

Tay sits back heavily against the end of the sofa. “People who are too upset about you not being their boyfriend!”

“Then that’s not you anymore.” New lifts his hips to get his phone from his back pocket, and Tay’s mouth goes dry watching the arch of his body.

But maybe the anticipation makes it sweeter. New sends Tay off to shower in his bathroom and change into his clean clothes while they wait for the food, and by the time they’ve finished eating, Tay feels mostly sober, dressed in New’s gym shorts and watching New’s mouth with undisguised intention.

They kiss so much in bed, like kissing’s new, and Tay fingers New until he’s whining and shaking, slides into him just to make him come and then fucks him until he’s soft. He mouths at New’s spent dick and his trembling thighs after, feeling entitled to every inch of New’s skin, and New’s fingers knot in Tay’s hair to guide him, never pushing him away. Tay just keeps finding more places to kiss him, more places his mouth never wandered in Europe. He hasn’t been anyone’s boyfriend in a while, but he can practice right here at home.