Chapter Text
Penelope sighed deeply as she adjusted the strap to her bra under her shirt. She was being ridiculous. She had been to the Bridgerton country home Aubrey Hall countless times. She had spent weeks at a time with the family, enveloped in their warmth and love. There was zero reason to be nervous. Well, that was not actually true at all. This time Penelope would not be attending the Bridgey bash ring in 2025 alone. She would be bringing her boyfriend along. Her wonderful, charismatic, and brilliant boyfriend of exactly five months and 14 days.
Jeremy Jarvis was everything Penelope should want in a man. He was everything she did want in a man. He was intelligent, ambitious, and attractive. He challenged her and made her laugh. He was the author of a New York Times bestseller and had written one of the most popular science fiction books of the last 5 years. Jezza or Jez as she called him was everything she should have wanted. And she did. There was this one minor problem, Jez was not Colin. And now after keeping these two very important people in her life very separate – they were going to finally meet at Colin’s ancestral home.
Penelope examined herself in the mirror. Her deep honeyed eyes glared back. Get it together Penelope Anne Fetherington, she scolded herself. Everything is going to be completely fine. Jez is the man for you and Colin, well that chapter of your life was never even written, at least not in the way you had wanted it to be, and that’s ok. Some stories aren’t meant to be told. With that she took a deep breath and grabbed her overnight bag.
“Let’s ring in 2025 with a bang.” She exclaimed confidently as she turned the heel and headed down to Jez’s waiting car.
8 months earlier
Penelope groaned inwardly as she slid into the pub booth beside Eloise and Frannie.
“Rough day?” Frannie questioned sympathetically.
“The absolute worst. Five rejection letters and three run ins with Livingston at work. I swear to God that woman hates the very sight of my face.” Pen grumbled as her head dropped down on the table in a huff.
“Fuck the lot of them Pen. Fuck them straight to fucking Hades.” Eloise barked with vitriol.
“Fuck who?”
Penelope’s head jumped up as she heard Colin’s familiar voice. She looked up and took a sharp breath. There he was, Colin Bridgerton in all his glory, staring down at her with a gaze that held equal parts empathy and a bit of outrage, which she guessed was directed at whoever he thought El was condemning to eternal hellfire in Hades.
“I got some more rejections for my manuscript today,” Pen sighed. “And Livingston was being a right nightmare the entire day.”
“Oh Pen.” Colin said kindly. “El is compl …”
“Livingston? Are you talking about Clara Livingston? What’s wrong with her? She’s so great.” Marina interjected as she took her place beside Colin, sliding her arm around his waist.
Penelope felt her heart drop. No matter how many times she had now been subjected to seeing Marina and Colin together in person the last 2 months, the agony that wretched her entire being had not lessened. Not that she was being dramatic or anything, but the last two months of her life had been a special kind of torture. Marina her distant cousin had decided to move to London from Manchester just three months ago and was crashing with Prudence. Penelope at her mothers urging had invited Marina on a night out to welcome her to London and well low and behold, Penelope’s invitation really did bring in the welcome wagon as Colin and her had hit it off. Now they were together and every time Penelope saw them a part of heart broke.
“Uh, yah Clara Livingston. My experience with her has not been well positive.” Pen mumbled at Marina.
“Frankly Marina,” Eloise interjected. “I think you may be one of the only people on planet Earth who has anything nice to say about Clara Livingston. She is the biggest cunt I’ve ever encountered, and I spent 10 years at school with Cressida Cowper.”
Marina’s eyes widened and she then she shrugged nonchalantly. “Hmmm … maybe you just need to be more open minded …”
“I’m all for being open minded,” Fran said sweetly, “But when someone is as awful as Clara Livingston, I think I draw the line.”
“Why? What’s she done.” Marina probed further.
Eloise looked at Marina’s face aghast. “You mean you haven’t heard Pen’s horror stories about her?”
Penelope looked up at Marina and then back at Eloise, who frankly knew that Marina had heard nearly all her horror stories about Clara.
“Sorry Marina but I’m with my sisters and Pen here. Clara Livingston is vile.” Colin interrupted heatedly.
Marina looked at all of them and let out a little chuckle and then rolled her eyes and sighed. “You all are being too dramatic, and Penny love you’ve got to lighten up. You’ll drive yourself mad if you take everything so seriously.” She cooed with what Penelope determined as a hint of condescension.
Pen coughed and rolled her eyes. “Thanks Marina, I’ll take that on board.”
“I think she actually invited me to lunch with her next week,” Marina said flippantly. “What if I talk to her for you?”
“She invited you to lunch?” Colin questioned surprised.
“Yes, her and an old friend of mine from uni, George Crane. We run in the same circles.” Marina explained casually. “He’s in town for the next few weeks and it turns out he and Clara are great mates. So, we are doing lunch.”
Penelope narrowed her eyes at Marina. George? Was this her ex-George? The one who she was madly in love with for nearly 6 years? He was in London? Penelope glanced over at Colin and his face was unreadable.
“So do you want me to talk with her Penny?” Marina asked.
“Uh, no Marina. I’m not five, thanks though.” Penelope responded abruptly.
“You can tell her I say to go fuck herself. A special go fuck yourself from Eloise Marion Diane Bridgerton. And please say it with gusto.” El said heatedly.
Penelope and Frannie burst into laughter at the bewildered expression on Marina’s face. Pen stroked El’s arm lovingly and leaned into her, El wrapped her arm around her friend and gave her a squeeze.
“You really are the best Eloise Marion Diane Bridgerton. My ride or die for life.” Pen whispered.
“You can also tell her Colin says go fuck yourself.” Colin piped in suddenly.
Pen’s head whipped up to look back up at him. Her heart softening as Colin’s eyes caught her own. Butterflies danced in her stomach as his navy-blue eyes gripped hers.
Marina drew back from Colin aghast. “Are you kidding me? God Colin that’s so bloody immature.”
“I am not sure anyone is actually expecting you to tell Clara Livingston to go fuck herself.” Frannie mused softly.
Colin broke his gaze from Penelope and sighed resignedly, “It’s not immature to dislike someone who hurts people you love.”
Marina gasped and Pen’s heart dropped. She knew when Colin said love, he wasn’t talking about romantic love. She knew Colin loved her like one loves a friend or even a sister. But Marina’s reaction and now the look on Colin’s face: frustrated, annoyed, and confused had Penelope feeling very out of sorts.
Marina turned her body and stomped off. Colin sighed loudly and rubbed his temples with his fingers. Penelope sat rigidly against El, her heart pounding. She didn’t know if she should breathe or where to look but instinctually her eyes could not help but land on Colin. When he opened his eyes, he dropped his hands to his sides. He avoided looking at Penelope directly, which Pen thought was a bit strange. His eyes eventually landed on both his sisters and then he finally brought his gaze to Penelope. The four of them sat in what Penelope felt like was an excruciating long beat of silence.
Colin finally cleared his throat. “I’m not being a dick, right? I mean Clara Livingston is awful to Pen, and ..and she was even a right bitch to Daph and you Eloise.” He stammered.
And there it is, Penelope thought resignedly. I’m right up there with Daph and El. She glanced down at her lap, unable to look at Colin’s face, worried that the devastation of being placed next to his sisters would be easily read.
“You’re not being a dick, Colin.” Frannie reassured. “Marina is just … just …”
“A disloyal cow?” El muttered under her breath.
“El …” Pen reprimanded quietly.
Eloise shrugged her shoulders unperturbed.
“I better go talk to her?” Colin said pensively.
The three women looked back and forth at each other unsure of what to say.
Penelope cleared her throat and said quietly. “Probably a good idea.”
Colin looked at her for a moment and then nodded before declaring. “Well, this night is going to be fucking fun.” He turned around and waded through the crowd to look for Marina.
“Ugh Pen … why did you tell him to go talk to her?” Eloise whined in frustration. “She’s so fucking annoying.”
“El, she’s, his girlfriend. He likes her.” Penelope said softly.
Frannie raised her eyebrow and then finally said, “I guess … but I am not even sure how serious it is. They spend most of their time fighting. It’s so new …”
“I am not even sure what the point is, when he spends half his time apologizing or miserable.” El added.
“Who’s miserable? Colin?” Ben asked as he appeared and dropped to slide into the booth.
“Yup. Another fight with Marina.” El declared she took a swig of her beer.
“What about? Wait … I don’t want to know.” Ben said decidedly. He turned his attention to Penelope. “Penelope love, Sophie wanted me to ask if you still needed to borrow her shoes or skirt or something for your writers retreat?”
Pen smiled warmly at Benedict, “Ahh, yes, her pumps that would be great, I leave in three days so I can come grab it from your place.”
Ben gave her a thumbs up, “Sure thing … or I can drop it off for you if you find yourself swamped. Soph left this morning, so I am lonely man with nothing to occupy my time. I am eager to be useful.”
“Don’t you have a job?” Eloise queried.
“Art is not a job El … it’s a passion.” Ben declared solemnly.
“I can’t take you seriously when you speak like that.” El turned her head back to Pen and Fran, “Ok I need more alcohol, who else wants?”
Penelope and Fran both raise their hands as Eloise scoots out of the booth to go get some more drinks. Fran and Benedict quickly begin a conversation that Penelope drops in and out of, but her head is just not in it as she replays the exchange with Colin and Marina in her mind. Was this really going to be a short lived then? Marina had made it sound so intense, anytime she brought it up, which was all the time. Pen had not really heard about things from Colin’s perspective because well, no matter how close they were, their romantic partners were not something that they had ever really shared with one another.
___
Two glasses of wine later, Penelope was beginning to feel a bit buzzed. More Bridgerton’s had arrived at the pub and their drinking games were becoming more and more animated. While Penelope loved these people more than anything she needed a break from Antony and Hyacinth shrieking about the rules of beer pong, especially when all she was doing was analysing the Colin and Marina fight from earlier in the evening. She couldn’t brood with Ant screaming in her face about her form. And Colin and Marina still hadn’t returned to the table, apparently still hashing it out according to a rather amused Hyacinth.
“Want to grab some air?” Pen nudged at Frannie.
Frannie looked at her grateful and nodded enthusiastically. Penelope scooted out of the booth and held her hand out to help Francesca. The two linked arms and looked for the exit to the pub patio. As they neared the open back door, they were confronted by two angry voices belonging to Colin and Marina. Penelope stopped dead in her tracks when she heard her name.
“You are fucking unbelievable Colin. You are such an utter asshole. I am your GIRLFRIEND, not PENELOPE.” Marina raged.
“I know she’s not my fucking girlfriend Marina. I’ve known her since I was a kid. Of course I love her. Don’t you fucking love your friends?” Colin said heatedly.
“Oh please. Don’t be daft … that girl is fucking IN LOVE WITH YOU.”
“Don’t … don’t be ridiculous Marina. Pen is NOT in love with me.”
Marina laughed bitterly. “Of COURSE she is Colin. She fucking moons over you like some pathetic loser and you fucking LOVE the attention. You LOVE her fan girling. I am almost embarrassed for her and when you say shit like that you love her … Colin it’s fucking gross. She’ll hold on to every little thing. Probably counting down the days till you date her.”
Colin didn’t respond immediately to Marina’s taunts. He finally let out of breath of exasperation. “I am NOT going to date Penelope Fetherington Marina. It’s NOT going to happen, okay?”
Francesca looked at Penelope alarmed, and Pen brought her hand to her mouth. She stumbled back and spun around to leave.
“Pen wait.” Fran hissed as she quickly followed her.
Penelope ran to the front of the pub and spilled out onto the front of the street with Francesca hot on her tail. Her eyes were filled with tears, and she took a deep breath, and they began to pour out. Penelope rarely let herself cry in public. She hated crying. It made her feel weak and pathetic, but at this point that is clearly who she was, pathetic Penelope Fetherington. She wasn’t sure what was worse, Marina knowing that she had feelings for Colin or Colin declaring they were never going to happen. Which of course she knew; she knew they weren’t going to happen, but to hear him say it brought a sense of finality to it.
“Pen are you ok?” Fran asked worriedly.
Penelope shook her head, “I need to get out of here Fran. But..but…I can’t get my purse, I can’t go back in there.”
“Ok, listen, wait here … I’ll go get your purse and grab El …”
“NO!” Penelope shouted. “Please I can’t … I can’t talk about this with El right now. I am so fucking humiliated. Please don’t tell anyone.”
“Hey, hey … ok …don’t worry. I’ll grab our stuff. I’m like a mouse, they’ll be so wrapped up in their games they won’t even know, I’ve left. We’ll go back to my place, its just a 10 minute uber from here okay?”
“I think I just want to go home Frannie.”
“Well then, I’m coming to yours. I am not leaving you right now, okay? I’m sorry, I’m just not.” Frannie said resolutely.
Penelope nodded. “Okay. Just please … please don’t make a big deal … I can’t, I can’t …” Pen sobbed.
“Leave it to me. I’ll be two minutes.”
___
The uber ride to Penelope’s flat had been mostly quiet. Pen’s sobs had lessened, and she stared out the car window as the driver made his way to North London. Fran said nothing just gently held her hand.
When they got to Penelope’s flat, Penelope sank to the couch and held her face in her hands. Fran sat down beside her and rubbed her back. After about 15 minutes of silence Penelope spoke.
“Does everyone know?”
Frannie stayed silent for a minute. “Well...”
“Fuck, oh my God. I can’t …”
“No Penelope.” Fran interrupted. “Let me explain, no one knows what you are thinking they know. I mean frankly, I didn’t know. But, but I think … the family has always hoped.”
“Hoped?” Penelope repeated confused, she removed her hand to look at Frannie for the first time since they entered the flat.
“Everyone, well, I think they can see that you and Colin have a connection … a connection that goes beyond normal friendship, and we were kind of waiting for you guys to maybe, I don’t know … wake up to it?”
Pen leaned back into the sofa and closed her eyes. “I thought I did a really good job of burying it, you know?”
“Well, honestly Pen … you did. I didn’t’ realise until I saw your face tonight that you … well you know …” Fran reassured. “You and Colin are both so … I don’t know how to explain it? Dancing on the edge of something. I think we all just thought you were both oblivious and dumb about it?”
Penelope let out sad laugh.
“How long have you, well, had feelings for Colin?” Fran asked gently.
Penelope sighed. “Honestly? I don’t know how to answer that? Forever? Recently? Colin has been such a part of my marrow for so long. There was you know a long-standing crush that I would float in and out of. But the last three years we’ve become really, really close, and I think what began as an innocent crush, changed?”
“Why haven’t you said anything?”
“Because, well I knew he didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t want to make it weird.”
“How … how do you know he didn’t feel the same?”
Penelope looked at Francesca incredulously. “Fran be serious. Look at me.”
“Excuse me?”
“I mean look at me … I am not the type he usually goes for.”
“Penelope Anne Fetherington. With the greatest of respect, shut the fuck up. You are stunning.”
“Frannie … I know Colin’s type and I am not it …”
Francesca scoffed. “Penelope, I know my brother’s type and frankly … he doesn’t really have a type … Colin has always gone off chemistry mostly. He doesn’t date the same version of people. Frankly, Colin doesn’t really date around a lot and I know …”
“Francesca, really, I don’t want to get into this. I mean you heard him tonight.”
“Penelope, he was having an intense argument with Marina. I don’t necessarily think …”
“Francesca, I cannot … I heard him.”
“Look he was an idiot. A right twat … but I really don’t …” Frannie begins but stops when Penelope groans.
“I can’t do this anymore with him Fran. I really can’t. I feel like I am continually getting my heart stomped on and I tonight … I just can’t do this anymore. Forget his type and all of that, it’s been three years … three years of us spending all of our time together. Your brother goes for what he wants … and well he has never gone for me. So it’s clear and I have to move on. I cannot be this pathetic clinger anymore. I have to move on from him, I …” Pen stops as the tears once again start to pour down her cheeks.
“Penelope, I really think …”
“Francesca PLEASE. I can’t live like this anymore. I know he’s your brother but … I can’t do this anymore.”
Francesca stops and looks at Penelope. Her hazel doe eyes filled with care and love; she takes a deep breath. “What does that mean?”
“It means Marina isn't wrong. Colin and I are way too … familiar. And I can completely understand why a partner would be pissed about that and frankly Marina is right. I am so God damn available for Colin I’m not living my own life. I can’t … I just … need some space. Just to move on.”
“Space from Colin?” Francesca asks.
“Yes … Colin … but that probably will mean less Bridgerton action … at least … at least till I get my head on right.”
Frannie’s eyes widen in panic. “You can’t leave us Pen.”
“I am not going to leave you guys; I think just less big group activities and more one on ones … just for a little bit. I am going away for this conference for two weeks and I think that will make it easier, it’s a break and may be it will let me breath a bit?”
“Colin’s going to spiral. I think he speaks to you more than anyone else … he’s going to know …”
“Colin will be fine, he has Marina.”
Francesca looks at Penelope unconvinced. “I …” she begins but pauses and seemingly changes her mind on what she is about to say. “I … understand. Take sometime, that makes sense … are you sure you do not want to tell El?”
“I don’t want anyone to know about this … especially Eloise. She’ll go mental and you know how she gets. She will tell Colin and it will become a thing and … I couldn’t bear it …”
“You don’t want to talk to Colin about this?”
“There is nothing to talk about Fran. Colin doesn’t owe me love and well he was just being honest. Frankly, if I want to have a friendship with him in the future, which I do, because I cannot lose him completely, then well he can’t ever know … okay? So please you must promise me. Swear to me you’re not going to say anything, to Eloise, to Colin to anyone. The more people that know … I just would die.”
Francesca sighed and held her hands up. “Okay. I won’t say anything.”