growing pain

by tetsurou

Summary:

He loves me, Yeonjun thinks, miserable.

or

Taehyun has loved Yeonjun for a long time. Yeonjun has known this since the beginning.

It doesn’t become a problem until Taehyun decides to move on.

Notes:

hello. this was supposed to be a cute under 10k work but taejun grabbed me by the neck and here we are. this is all for the love of my life kang taehyun, and yeonjun-noona, who i also love very much.

Yeonjun puts a movie on, sits with a respectable distance between them. It’s called “After Life,” and it’s about choosing one memory to live in for the rest of your eternity, leaving everything else behind.

And it’s strange, watching other people’s lives flash across Yeonjun’s face with the vision of what theirs could look like someday, if it was possible, if it was something Taehyun could have. Yeonjun’s pinky is brushing against his hand and that brief point of contact feels as heavy as the pounding of his heart. If Taehyun were to be asked, when he dies, what moment he would choose, it would be Yeonjun turning his head to look at him, held tight in the arms of their members and in the eyes of their fans.

In that moment, it could have been telepathy, or the weight of knowing someone for almost half your life, or him speaking into the mic connected to Taehyun’s in-ear, but he swears he could hear Yeonjun’s voice, telling him we made it. Did you ever think we’d come this far? And Taehyun looked back at him without a single doubt, smiling like he’s 13 and 22, feeling like a man on top of the world and a kid in love, nestled in the arms of his people and in the gaze of the person who’s had him, right from the start.

In this moment, in the living room of their dorm, lights off all around them and the reflection of the tv giving Yeonjun’s face a purple glow, Taehyun thinks he doesn’t need anything else. 

Yeonjun turns his head, looks at him. 

Taehyun is caught, defenseless. 

Yeonjun smiles at him like he’s 16 and 25, changed in every way but at the heart of it all. He will always be Taehyun’s Yeonjun-hyung-noona, who held his hand at the beach in America and told him to just hang on tight. Taehyun has never been taught to let go, doesn’t ever want to learn. Doesn’t ever want to have to. So he keeps his mouth shut and holds his breath like he’s underwater, afraid that if he opens his mouth everything will rush out of him, and he won’t be able to help pulling both of them down.

(Maybe it could also be this: him, 15, making it to the debut team. Yeonjun taking him in his arms and crying, and all the love in the world being in that room as he dials his noona’s number to give her the good news. In that eye before the storm, after climbing that mountain from number 10 to number 1, his and Yeonjun’s name together at the top, before the inevitable struggle of working their way back up as a team instead of just one, Taehyun wraps his arms around his hyung and feels joy bubble up in his chest like a can of soda shaken and opened up, bursting out of him like fizz, spilling out of his hands and into Yeonjun’s arms. His hyung’s hold on him is tight, and he’s crying into Taehyun’s neck, and it feels like the beginning of the rest of his life. To live in this moment forever, it would feel really fitting, at the end of everything.)

The movie ends, and Taehyun doesn’t know if he can look at Yeonjun without saying it all out loud, the truth of it rushing up his throat, desperate to make itself known. So he looks at the reflection of them on the black tv screen, and imagines a world where it could be possible, where he’s brave and it’s welcomed. 

He reaches out for Yeonjun’s hand. 

The moment their fingers touch, the lights turn on, and the members flood in. Yeonjun flinches, and Taehyun can’t handle looking directly at him but sees the whole of it in a distant reflection that still feels too close to not hurt as much as it does, and he doesn’t look at Taehyun but Taehyun knows he knows, and is trying so hard to not change anything, to not tip even a bit over in a moment that feels so fragile it could shatter the second someone touches it, or looks at it, or acknowledges it exists.

Taehyun doesn’t say a word, and Yeonjun walks away, out of the dorm, out of the fleeting fantasy that Taehyun shouldn’t have even dared to build. Taehyun hears his sigh of relief, feels the way he doesn’t look back, and knows in that moment that it’s hopeless. He feels so fucking stupid.

Stupid Taehyun, imagining things that aren’t there, letting himself hope when he knows more than anyone that it’s impossible. Stupid Taehyun, so splintered by such a small moment that it feels like he’s cracking apart, that it feels so hard to walk to his room and break open in there where no one else can see the crash. Stupid Taehyun, stupid silly lovesick Taehyun, so hurt that he can’t help but crying like a fucking kid all out in the open like this. 

He closes his eyes, tries to breathe in and it stutters in his chest in a panicked fit, and he’s holding his hand out to block the blinding light but something gets there first, or someone, because Beomgyu’s suddenly right there and gathering him into his arms, shielding him from the world that feels too real, from everything that’s crashing down around him that he’s been trying so hard to hold up, to deny the cracks, for so long now. He laughs to himself, in a brief moment of clarity, because how could he let go of his senses for even a moment. How dare he let himself hope when he’s always known better?

Beomgyu pulls him up, walks them effortlessly to Taehyun’s room like the weight of him isn’t threatening to collapse with nothing left holding it up. He lays Taehyun down on the floor, away from the bed he might crawl into and never get out of, and into the cold, hard, solid ground. 

Beomgyu locks the door and sinks down in front of him, holding his hands gently, guiding Taehyun’s breathing into something that feels effortless after a long time. 

When it’s over, Taehyun sighs, slumping into Beomgyu’s arms like a puppet with its strings cut. Beomgyu pets his hair and coos like he’s a kitten. It makes Taehyun laugh, and feel less like the pathetic human that he is.

“It’s so unfair, Taehyun-ah, that you’re still pretty when you cry,” Beomgyu observes, pouting. Taehyun feels something in him crack even further, enough for light to make its way in, and finds it in himself to laugh.

Yeonjun sits outside Taehyun’s door, aware of what he’s done, knows he can’t be the one to fix it, but he can’t bring himself to walk away again. Not even when he catches a conversation he isn’t supposed to hear.

“You’re giving up?”

“I’m coming to my senses,” Taehyun decides just now. 

“You never give up on anything, Tyun-ah,” Beomgyu says, in disbelief. “You always work hard for the things you want.”

“Maybe I want someone to work hard for me for a change. Am I not allowed to want that?” It just bursts out of him, like he’s lost his grip on all his emotions. Beomgyu looks like he wants to laugh a bit at how unlike him all of this is. Taehyun would laugh too, if he weren’t so miserable.

“Have I not embarrassed myself enough?” he continues, mortified at being caught out like this. He’s used to being something people look away from, too earnest all the time without blinking.

The smile slides off Beomgyu’s face instantly. 

“Don’t say that,” he exclaims, like he’s hurt by the thought of it. “You’re not embarrassing.”

“But I’m obvious.” Taehyun sighs, covering his face that can never hide shit about how he feels. It’s really tiring. “I think it would be a relief to hyung if I stop feeling this way. And I never want my love to feel like a burden on anyone else. Especially Yeonjun-hyung, who carries so much already.”

“Hyung loves you. I’m sure he doesn’t feel that way.” Beomgyu frowns, upset at the implication. He’s a romantic like that, can’t imagine having a guy like Taehyun love him and doing nothing about it. And it’s Yeonjun, their sweetest hyung, who wouldn’t hurt a fly if he could help it. 

“I’ve known him for a long time. He’s very sincere, and transparent, and good. Which is why when I try to be sweet with him, he feels the need to hide so I don’t get hurt by the way he makes it so obvious.”

“Makes what so obvious?”

“That he doesn’t feel that way about me at all,” Taehyun looks up, sighs out all the drama of the past hour like he’s gaining his reason back by the second. “It’s okay. I haven’t cried about it because I’ve always known.”

“You just cried about it,” Beomgyu points out, amazed at how fast Taehyun’s turning the story around. “And you can keep crying about it, you know.”

“It was a moment of weakness,” Taehyun seems determined to forget it ever happened. Beomgyu is reeling at how fast the narrative has turned. “You know I don’t cry easily. And I don’t want to be snotty when we have to sing tomorrow. I’ll just quietly handle myself and move on like I always do,” Taehyun continues, determined now that he has a new goal to work towards. 

Beomgyu looks at him carefully, the tears still clinging on to his lashes, the stubborn set to his shoulders he gets when he’s decided to be unreasonable about something, and sighs, knowing it’s hopeless.

“Okay. But I’m here for you. And if you need me to sock hyung in the stomach, I can. He probably won’t even ask why.”

Taehyun finally cracks a smile, precious. “Thank you, Gyu-hyung, but that’s not necessary. He needs to dance his best tomorrow, too. But I love you.”

Beomgyu pouts, decides to do it anyway. Taehyun’s smiling again, dimple present, so Beomgyu decides not to hold too much of a grudge. 

“I love you too, Taehyun-ah. Never doubt that.”

He loves me, Yeonjun thinks, miserable.

He never wanted to assume, but it was obvious. That’s why he’d been so careful, treading lightly, not wanting to upset the balance. Not wanting anything to change, so he just never faced the music, like a coward. Taehyun isn’t the only one doing things that are unlike him. Hearing all that, it just makes Yeonjun ashamed, at how he’s been so obvious, and has hurt Taehyun this whole time because of it. 

The door creaks, and Yeonjun springs up from where he’s sitting, panicked at being caught where he shouldn’t be. Beomgyu turns around and sees him, smiles like an angel, and socks him in the stomach, catching him in a hug when he’s bent over in pain.

“Hyung-ah,” he starts, full of aegyo and ill intentions. “For how much you thrust your hips on stage, you sure don’t have the balls Taehyunie has.”

“Watch your mouth,” Yeonjun is running on auto-pilot, putting all his energy in trying not to cry instead of attempting to be witty. Beomgyu wouldn’t appreciate it right now, anyway. 

“You’re a good hyung but a shitty person to be in love with,” Beomgyu continues, like he didn’t even speak. “But I won’t be too mad at you, because I know how much worse you’ll be feeling soon.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“You’ll see.” 

Taehyun doesn’t avoid him, but doesn’t look him in the eye. He tries not to watch him but his eyes aren’t caught up, trained by years of habit and magnetism to follow Yeonjun where he goes. He’s beautiful, the whole of him, the curve of his ears and the slope of his neck.

This is counterproductive, he tells himself. Trying to avoid Yeonjun’s gaze leads him to discovering more beautiful things about him that his face usually distracts from. His eyes usually don’t wander here. Now, it’s where they live.

In the end, his heart hurts even more, and Taehyun resolves to not look at him at all. 

Yeonjun watches him grow closer to everyone else in an effort to move on from him, and tries not to feel abandoned by it. He wanted this, for a long time, and now that he had it he’s mad at himself for even thinking it, for wishing for it so fervently.

He didn’t think it would feel this bad for Taehyun to be so determined, so like himself, in this way. In an effort to spare himself the pain it feels like Yeonjun has taken on the weight of the world, of all his wants that he regrets now, more than anything, when he finally has it. Now, what he wants more than anything is for Taehyun to look at him. He wants to see the wonder of his eyes, up close, and directed at him, like he’s used to. 

But he knows it’s selfish, to want things that have slipped his grasp because he couldn’t be brave enough to hold it when he had the chance. So he tries to let go, fails, and keeps trying. 

He has to work hard for Taehyun, too, just this once.

Taehyun lets Beomgyu in, sits them both on the bed and immediately slumps back down, covering his face in his hands. He can feel Beomgyu’s amusement, and he wants to laugh a bit at how dramatic he’s being, if he weren’t so frustrated at getting nowhere after all this time, and after everything he’s tried.

Beomgyu’s being patient, which is unlike him, so Taehyun pulls him down beside him on the bed and traps him in a hug, grateful and pouting.

“I take it there’s no progress, then?” He starts petting Taehyun again, like he’s a stubborn cat, and Taehyun frowns even harder at that. He’s human. If he were a cat he wouldn’t be having these heart problems, wouldn’t feel arrhythmia whenever he caught a glimpse of red hair from the corner of his eyes. Or maybe he would be, and Taehyun is just hopeless in every universe.

“You know how I work hard because it’s something I can control.”

“Yes.”

“This thing with hyung.. No matter how hard I try it doesn’t go away. It’s making me crazy.”

Beomgyu stops petting him, pulls away for a moment to look Taehyun in the eyes.

“Are you sure this is really the right thing to do?”

“Yes.” Taehyun is certain about this, more than he’s been for anything in his life.

“What if he loves you too?” Taehyun bursts out laughing, and Beomgyu frowns even more, so he stops. Beomgyu is too much of a teddy bear to be kept mad like that.

“That’s impossible.”

“How so?”

“It’s hyung and it’s me,” Taehyun feels like he’s stating the obvious, but he doesn’t know how else to explain. Beomgyu should already know this like it’s common sense, because there’s no other way this could go. “I’ve known him the longest and I look towards him always. I would have noticed.”

“But recently you haven’t been looking at him at all. He’s always watching you, even when I can tell it’s hurting his heart. He’s miserable.” Taehyun doesn’t want to hear this. 

(Taehyun wants to hear this more than anything.)

“Why would he be miserable?”

“Because I think even he doesn’t know how he feels. Even though it’s obvious to everyone else.”

“It’s not obvious to me.”

“Because you’re too close to it!” Beomgyu pulls away again to blow into Taehyun’s ear like the brat he is. Taehyun pinches his cheeks and tells him to keep talking. “And hyung is good at performing but he’s also a big crybaby. You know that.”

Taehyun’s heart drops. “He cried?”

“He’s doing his best to be strong and respectful but he’s crushed, Taehyun-ah. He just doesn’t understand why yet.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Taehyun says, voice small, fight suddenly gone from him. “I’m not acting any different in a way that matters. I’m just letting myself look at other people for a change.”

“Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu suddenly pulls them up to sit, suddenly serious. Taehyun has never felt more like a kid around him, childish and heartfirst, tears shallow. Maybe it’s his lost youth from idol training coming back for him with a vengeance. “When you look at someone like they’re your whole world and then stop, it’s going to matter. And it’s you, with your big eyes, and good heart. Of course it matters.”

Taehyun pauses. “Are you sure you’re not in love with me?”

“Ha! I wish,” Beomgyu sulks, crossing his arms. “Unfortunately my heart is being held hostage by someone else.”

“Soobin-hyung,” Taehyun states the obvious. Beomgyu gasps and slaps a hand over Taehyun’s mouth.

“Don’t say it out loud!”

“Why not?” 

“He has Hueningie. You know that too!”

Taehyun sighs, pulling Beomgyu’s hand from his mouth. Beomgyu wipes the spit on his palm on Taehyun’s bedsheets. Taehyun ignores it because they’re having a moment right now, and hangs his head.

“Look at us. We’re pathetic. You know, maybe we should have one of those life pacts.”

Beomgyu perks up. “If we don’t figure our shit out by 30 then we kill ourselves together?”

“Beomgyu-hyung!” Taehyun laughs, easy. It’s effortless with Beomgyu, and always has been. “I meant we should get married or something!”

“I’d make a pretty bride actually,” Beomgyu says, eyes bright like he’s imagining it. “And we’re the same height, so we would be cute on the cake toppers.”

“You’d look sexy in a dress, actually.”

“Kang Taehyun,” Beomgyu reacts, delighted. “Are you flirting with me?”

“You’re my fiance, technically.”

Beomgyu deflates. “You think we won’t figure our shit out by then?”

“I’ll work hard, still,” Taehyun answers, grim. “But it’s not looking likely. And knowing you, I don’t really think so.”

“Hey!” A pause. “You’re right.”

They both sigh.

There’s silence for a few moments, before Beomgyu looks up at him, thoughtful and a bit manic, the way he usually is before he says something crazy.

“Since this is basically a guarantee I’m thinking… let’s seal it with a kiss?”

There it is. 

“Should we really go that far this early?”

“Think of it as practice for the real thing,” Beomgyu says, like this isn’t an insane thing to say. “We’re already doomed anyways.”

“You just want someone to kiss,” Taehyun can see right through him.

“And you don’t?”

“I’ve never kissed anyone actually.” They all know this.

“Were you saving it for hyung?” Beomgyu says, obviously holding back a smile as Taehyun gasps.

“Don’t tease me!”

Beomgyu giggles, “you’re cute, Taehyun-ah. I may not be hyung but I think I can make a pretty good case for myself.”

“You’re serious about this?”

“Why not? I’m not just some stranger. I’m very handsome and I just washed my hair so it smells nice right now. And most importantly, I think I can make it special for you.”

Taehyun feels warm, cared for. “You’re my Beomgyu-hyung. It’s already special.”

Beomgyu smiles at that, tucking the hair in front of Taehyun’s eyes behind his ear. Typical. He’s always been a romantic.

“And I love you,” Beomgyu’s face is so close. “Even if it’s not in that way.”

Taehyun thinks, fuck it, and closes the distance. It’s not fireworks, but it’s warm. The wet sound of their lips rubbing together makes him blush. His face feels hot, and he shivers when Beomgyu places his cold hands on his cheeks. 

Taehyun opens his mouth, and Beomgyu’s tongue enters him and licks at his teeth, making him laugh. Taehyun’s heart isn’t pounding, but he feels himself smiling into Beomgyu’s mouth in the way he hasn’t for a while now. He’s calm, and his pulse isn’t racing, and Beomgyu’s distracting him well, but not enough to not hear the slamming of the door behind them.

Beomgyu pulls away, noses at the dimple on Taehyun’s cheek. He’s still smiling. He’s catching his breath. Beomgyu wraps his arms around him tightly, hiding his face in Taehyun’s neck. His breath tickles. Taehyun doesn’t know why he suddenly wants to cry.

“Thank you, Taehyun-ah,” Beomgyu says softly. Taehyun leans his cheek against the side of Beomgyu’s head, smiling.

“That’s yeobo to you,” he replies, and when Beomgyu laughs it feels like the sun rises, and the light finds its way into Taehyun’s room again, leaving no shadows behind.

Beomgyu leaves after tickling him and asking for another kiss, getting a bite to his cheek and screaming instead. 

“Is this how you treat your fiance,” Taehyun hears him grumbling to himself, and can’t help giggling like a fool.

Moments later, Huening barges into his room, furious for absolutely no reason.

“You kissed Beomgyu-hyung?”

Word sure does travel fast.

“How do you know about that?”

“Yeonjun-hyung told me.” 

“How does he know about that?” This is ridiculous. It hasn’t even been five minutes and 4/5 of Tomorrow x Together already know. How does this even happen?

Kai doesn’t sit, starts pacing around like an insane person. Why is he so agitated?

“He said he walked in on you, that you were so distracted making out that you didn’t even notice the door opening.”

Taehyun is speechless. “Making out is an exaggeration,” he manages.

“So he was telling the truth?” What’s with the demand for a play-by-play? Does Kai want to know the angle in which Beomgyu’s tongue entered his mouth too?

“I can’t really deny it—” Taehyun admits. He can’t be imagining the way Kai deflates like a puppy with its ears down. He looks really cute, but Taehyun has to focus on the matter at hand right now— “but noona shouldn’t have told anyone either.”

Now Kai doesn’t look crazy but hurt. Great job, Kang Taehyun.

“You weren’t going to tell me?”

“I tell you everything, Huening-ah.”

“Not this.”

“Well,” Taehyun can’t really be blamed here. He hasn’t even been able to move from his spot post-act of kissing to try. “Yeonjun-hyung got to you first, so.”

“Well,” Taehyun can tell he’s about to say something truly evil, if an angel like Hueningkai was capable of doing so. With that, he’s probably only about to tell the truth— “he sounded jealous.”

This can’t be. This has to be an act of war, waged for reasons he has yet to discern. Everyone is telling him things he would have done anything to hear a few weeks ago. Now, he’s just confused, not knowing what to believe or how to feel about any of it. So, he diverts and focuses on how Kai sounds right now.

“You sound jealous right now.”

It works like a charm, because Kai puffs up like an angry pomeranian. Sometimes, Taehyun likes to rile him up just because he gets so adorable with it. This time, though, he has a goal much bigger than himself. 

“Why would I be jealous?” Kai responds, fake-calm, like he’s not shaking his knee like a madman.

“Why would you be jealous?” Taehyun returns, and Kai frowns, forehead crinkling.

“I have Soobin-hyung,” he says.

“You do have Soobin-hyung,” Taehyun acknowledges.

They look at each other for a few moments.

“I have to go,” Kai suddenly says, turning tail immediately. Taehyun could almost call it a “skedaddle,” could almost see a smoke cloud behind him from how fast he left.

“He’ll figure it out,” Taehyun decides, and doesn’t worry about it any longer.

Taehyun takes about two steps out of his room before being confronted by their giant rabbit of a leader, forehead wrinkled like he’s trying to be serious and intimidating. It just makes him look cute.

“So,” Taehyun can already tell where this is going. “You and Beomgyu.”

Taehyun throws his hands up in the air. Soobin raises a brow at the dramatics.

“Who else knows?” Because this is getting ridiculous. It hasn’t even been ten minutes, and 5/5 of Tomorrow x Together already know his entire business. “Is this breaking news all of a sudden?”

“I’m being serious.”

“I’m being serious too!” Taehyun takes a deep breath, becoming serious. “Did noona tell you?”

“He told me and Huening.” Soobin pauses, like he’s weighing the thought of saying the next words out loud, and obviously making the wrong decision, judging from what Taehyun hears next. “He looked sad.”

“You look sad,” Taehyun counters, not wanting to think about what has been said.

“Why would I be sad?” Soobin asks, like they’re both stupid and oblivious. 

“Why would Yeonjun-hyung be sad?” Taehyun returns, and Soobin rolls his eyes, because Taehyun is acting like they’re both stupid and oblivious.

“Do you know what you’re doing?” Soobin veers, and Taehyun holds back a laugh, thinking about his and Beomgyu’s agreement.

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“Is it serious with you two?” Soobin looks like he actually doesn’t want to know the answer. Taehyun starts to feel like things aren’t as hopeless as he and Beomgyu both thought.

“We’re already planning the wedding, actually,” Taehyun answers, completely honest. Soobin starts to pout, because it seems like Taehyun isn’t being serious (when he is), and because he isn’t getting the answers he wants.

“Taehyun-ah,” he reprimands, and Taehyun actually does feel bad. 

“Don’t worry about us, Soobin-hyung,” he says, stepping forward to wrap their leader in a hug he seems like he really needs, for reasons they’re not about to get into right now.

“How could I not?” Soobin murmurs right into Taehyun’s ear. Taehyun pinches him on the side because that tickles. Soobin giggles and squeezes Taehyun really hard.

“Is it because you’re our leader or because of something else?” Taehyun asks when he can breathe again.

“What else would it be?” 

Taehyun sighs, pats Soobin’s cheek with what is obviously pity and condescension. 

“Maybe you and Huening could put your heads together and figure it out. With the two of you, I’m sure you could get somewhere.”

Yeonjun is the only one who doesn’t ask him about it. Taehyun doesn’t look at him for too long lest he figure out what his silence means.

Yeonjun sits at the kitchen counter, picking at his ramen, forlorn. Beomgyu takes one look at him and knows something is obviously wrong, because his hyung isn’t acting like an idiot about his food. He decides not to help him out, knowing Yeonjun will bring it up himself sooner or later.

Yeonjun seems to decide that his prerogative is sooner.

“Where’s Taehyunie?”

And there it is. Beomgyu knows he wouldn’t like the answer, and is weirdly excited to see this conversation unfold.

“Out.”

“Since last night?” Yeonjun is trying so hard to be nonchalant about it that he’s starting to look crazed around the eyes. Beomgyu is amused, seeing their cool hyung so stressed out.

“Yeah, he didn’t come home.”

“Where’d he even go?” This is starting to feel like an interrogation. Honestly, Beomgyu’s having a great time.

Then he drops the bomb, “clubbing. With his friends.”

It lands like he expected. There’s silence, so thick that Beomgyu scratches at his cheek just to hear a sound. 

“Oh,” Yeonjun says belatedly. He lets go of his chopsticks, pushes the cup ramen away. That’s how Beomgyu knows that something is really, genuinely wrong. “And that’s okay with you?”

What does that mean? “Why wouldn’t it be?”

“Aren’t you two together?”

Beomgyu bursts out laughing. Yeonjun looks so confused, and he giggles even more.

“Not really. Maybe in the distant future, if you don’t get your act together.”

Yeonjun looks so miserable even at the thought of it that Beomgyu just feels bad for him.

“What do you mean?” he says, somehow still oblivious to the way he feels about Taehyun. Beomgyu wants to take him by his collar and shake him until he realizes and loves Taehyun like he deserves, like he’s been waiting for for what’s felt like his entire life already. It’s frustrating how everyone’s figured it out before they both do, that Yeonjun has loved him back all along.

“You know, Yeonjun-hyung,” Beomgyu starts, beginning to get pissed off. “For someone so old, you really aren’t smart.”

“Yah, Choi Beomgyu—”

“And for someone who doesn’t love Taehyun back, you sure are acting jealous right now.”

That shuts him up. He closes himself off fast, expressions controlled and calm, performer that he is. But Beomgyu knows him, his sweet hyung, can read him like a book. He’s obviously miserable, and in denial, and so in love Beomgyu feels sick with it and he’s not even the one feeling it firsthand. 

“I’m not jealous,” Yeonjun lies.

“Whatever you say, pabo-yah,” Beomgyu sighs in return, starting to scream when Yeonjun puts him in a headlock, ramen growing cold on the table. 

Taehyun comes home when it’s already a bit dark, prays no one is around to tease him.

“Where’d you go, Taehyun-ah?” someone behind him asks, and it’s the person he least wanted to catch him sneaking around. 

He turns around, flicking the light on as he goes, and his eyes fall on Yeonjun’s hurt face like being led by a spotlight.

“Out,” Taehyun replies, averting his eyes. His heart hurts, and their eyes met for only a few seconds.

This is hopeless, Taehyun thinks to himself, again, and keeps trying. 

“And you slept where?”

Taehyun doesn’t understand this line of questioning, when it’s obvious where he’s been, sneaking into their house in unwashed hair and yesterday’s clothes. Still, he answers, just to get that look off Yeonjun’s face and them away from each other, like he’s been trying to stay.

“None of your business, hyung-ah.”

“You have to be careful—”

“I can take care of myself,” he snaps, feeling tired all of a sudden. The distance between them feels like oceans. Taehyun feels like he’s treading water all by himself, Yeonjun the lighthouse he still looks out for, but there’s no light to be found amidst all these waves, only Yeonjun’s wounded eyes and trembling mouth.

“I didn’t say you couldn’t,” Yeonjun says, voice quiet. Taehyun doesn’t want to care about his feelings, doesn’t want to keep playing this game.

“So why are you acting like this?”

“I miss you,” Yeonjun whispers, and Taehyun closes his eyes like that would stop the words from reaching him. “I want to know how you are.”

“Stop it, noona,” Taehyun replies, walking past Yeonjun until Yeonjun stops him with a hand to his wrist. This is the first time they’ve touched in weeks. Yeonjun’s entire body feels like it’s burning. 

Taehyun doesn’t look back, stays right where he is, like he can't say the words to Yeonjun’s face. Yeonjun doesn’t know if he wants to see Taehyun’s eyes or if it’s better this way, merciful, to spare them both the pain. Yeonjun’s heart feels bruised, every single press to it making the hurt spread, never healing. “You’re being mean. Can’t you see I’m trying so hard for you?”

Yeonjun can practically hear his heart plummet to the ground with each word coming out of Taehyun’s mouth. He feels terrible, like an asshole and a shit hyung, still making demands of Taehyun like he hasn’t done enough. 

“Taehyun-ah, I’m sorry,” he says, trying not to cry. It’s not his place, right now, seeing Taehyun’s shoulders shake. “I just want you to be safe.”

Taehyun takes a deep breath, steadies himself, stands tall. He turns back around and pries Yeonjun’s hand from his wrist, squeezing it for a moment before letting go. It’s more than Yeonjun feels he deserves, and is grateful for it in a way he doesn’t understand.

“How about this,” Taehyun says, finally looking at him. Yeonjun is hanging on to every word despite the rushing in his ears, unused to this proximity after so long apart. “The next time I go out, you all come with me. Then you’ll know I can handle myself just fine.”

“Okay. Thank you, Taehyun-ah,” Yeonjun takes a deep breath, releases it, and steps back. Tension falls from Taehyun’s shoulders and he slumps into himself, obviously tired. Yeonjun looks his fill for a few moments, and lets him go. “I’ll let you sleep now.”

Taehyun leaves without looking back. Yeonjun’s eyes follow him where he goes, sees a purple bruise on the nape of his neck. Yeonjun doesn’t know why he suddenly wants to cry. He shouldn’t be feeling any type of way about this. 

Isn’t this what he wanted?

So he walks away, enters his room and locks the door, refusing to let even a single tear fall.

He’s fine.

As long as Taehyun’s okay, he’ll get through whatever the fuck this is just fine.

A few nights later, Yeonjun hears Taehyun’s custom text tone from his phone and feels his heart leap to his throat, nervous. He feels like a crazy person.

I’m going out tonight, if u still want to come

“We’re going out,” Yeonjun announces, bursting into the living room. He feels a weird tension in the air, discovering Beomgyu, Kai, and Soobin playing twister. 

Beomgyu and Kai startle at his entrance, collapsing in a heap and giggling uncontrollably. Soobin looks at them like he’s realizing something and is afraid of it.

Yeonjun breaks the spell, reluctantly, feeling a bit like an outsider to whatever’s going on here.

“We’re going out,” he repeats, and Huening raises his head from the tangle of limbs he’s in. It’s difficult to see where Beomgyu ends and he begins.

“All of us?”

“Taehyunie’s going out so,” Yeonjun says, petering off when the three of them look at each other knowingly, Soobin rolling his eyes. “He said we could come?”

“Okay!” Beomgyu answers, holding his hands out to be helped up. Soobin walks past him, tickling Kai before pulling him up. Yeonjun feels so weird about all of this, walking up to Beomgyu and picking him up in a bridal carry, just to get that sad look off his face. He spins him around until Beomgyu’s laughing like a maniac, kicking until he’s let down. 

Yeonjun puts him down, takes a glance at Soobin’s face and sees that it’s guilty, eyes shifting. So he does know what he’s doing. Yeonjun isn’t the only asshole here.

“I’ll go to my dear Taehyunie now,” Beomgyu doesn’t waste a second, springing to Taehyun’s room and not looking back. Huening turns to Soobin, and it’s a look on his face Yeonjun hasn’t seen before, mad and upset all at once. 

He leaves before he can be a part of whatever this is, decides to worry about something simple for a change. Like what he’s going to wear, and what the rest of the night has in store for them. He’s nervous, heart pounding. He takes a deep breath.

Taehyun exhales, standing in a tornado of his clothes and feeling like a complete idiot. 

This is counterproductive, he thinks to himself, dressing up to get Yeonjun to look at him when he doesn’t even want to look back, when he’s going home with someone else tonight. Beomgyu enters his room at just the right moment, and he looks rattled, and sad, so Taehyun does his best to give them both a distraction.

“Help me find something to wear?”

And there’s that spark back. “You didn’t need help all those other times,” Beomgyu says, a smile starting from the sides of his lips.

“Well, it’s different this time.” Taehyun doesn’t say why.

“Because Yeonjun-hyung is there?” Beomgyu doesn’t know shit about leaving things unsaid.

“Because it just is,” Taehyun lies. They both know what all the fuss is about. “I’ll help you too.” A pause. Beomgyu starts kicking around the clothes on the floor, already looking for something slutty. Taehyun can just tell. “It may mean the end of our marriage, but we’ll get those two to look at you one way or the other.”

Beomgyu’s jaw drops. 

“Taehyunie!” He’s blushing. “I’m hurt!” He’s trying not to kick his feet. “I thought we were meant to be together!”

Taehyun smiles with all of his teeth, endeared. “I’m afraid sometimes we have to force destiny, Beomgyu-hyung. So, will you help me?”

“Okay!”

Beomgyu chooses a sheer, silver shirt that Yeonjun got Taehyun as a joke gift.

“Show your nipples.”

“Control yourself.”

Taehyun loses, wears the shirt, puts a tank top underneath to preserve his dignity. Beomgyu pouts about it, and puts him in the tightest pants he could find. It has a hole in the thigh, and Beomgyu keeps slipping his hand in there and pinching.

Taehyun wrestles a sparkly, too-big button-up over his head, adjusting it until it falls slightly off-shoulder, showing off the curve of his neck. His collarbone looks biteable. Taehyun sprinkles a bit of glitter over it, nodding to himself approvingly, and then puts Beomgyu in the tiniest shorts known to man. He knows Kai’s game. They were roommates long enough to know what drives the other crazy.

Beomgyu keeps squirming as he’s getting his hair fixed, so Taehyun pinches his ass. He squeals, slaps Taehyun’s arm, and stays put like a princess for the rest of his makeup. Taehyun curls his lashes, applies mascara, makes his puppy eyes look even bigger, and pats himself on the back. Beomgyu looks up at him with eyes that could make any man fall to his knees. Taehyun’s only immune because he’s already doomed with someone else, but with Beomgyu’s charms and aegyo ability, Taehyun is sure he could get those two idiots to fall for him with a blink of an eye, if they haven’t already.

“Your turn,” Beomgyu declares, and manhandles him onto the bed, crawling into Taehyun’s lap like he belongs there. He sits up, precarious, rubbing silver glitter on Taehyun’s eyelids. Taehyun grabs his hips, helping him balance, for the sake of his own face.

Beomgyu’s applying gloss to his lips when Yeonjun bursts in and stares at them, startled.

He has got to stop doing that, Taehyun thinks, before he gets distracted by the way Yeonjun blinks and looks away, winded, and definitely getting the wrong idea. He looks beautiful, in the brief moment Taehyun allows himself. Leather pants and a vest without a shirt under it, looking like he’s out to break Taehyun’s heart.

He doesn’t even have to try, Taehyun thinks, wry.

“Car’s here,” Yeonjun says, walking away without a single glance back. Taehyun and Beomgyu blink at the empty space where he was standing, and Beomgyu giggles like he’s already a bit drunk. 

He takes Taehyun’s hand, looks at him. “You ready?”

Taehyun wants to take off these clothes and rub all of his makeup off. Taehyun wants to see Beomgyu be spun around and danced with as he laughs, sparkling. Taehyun wants to follow Yeonjun like a dog on a leash, helpless. Taehyun wants to go home and he hasn’t even left yet. Taehyun wants to stay here, beautiful and bright, with Beomgyu looking at him with eyes full of hope. 

Taehyun wants to crawl into bed, alone, safe from everyone else.

Taehyun wants to be kissed, and be wanted, even for just one fucking night.

He takes a deep breath and squeezes Beomgyu’s hand, pulling him forward. 

“Let’s get this over with.”

They get to the club, and Yeonjun loses them immediately. He really has to pee and runs to the bathroom, comes back and they’re all gone. Huening and Soobin were looking for seats and have seemingly given up, Kai up against the wall and Soobin leaning over him, gaze predatory and hands sweet, their fingers all locked up.

Taehyun catches Beomgyu staring and pulls him to the dance floor, spinning him around until he’s smiling again. The song changes, and it’s their song, Beomgyu’s voice filtering out the speakers singing gimme gimme more, gimme gimme more. They burst out laughing, silently agree to not do the choreo because it would immediately give them away, and start body rolling. Taehyun turns Beomgyu around to grind at his ass, and feels more than hears him laugh, delighted. Beomgyu reaches an arm back to grab Taehyun’s hair, pushing his ass back and biting his lip. Taehyun is trying so hard not to laugh, moving with him. 

Suddenly, they’re pulled apart, and Beomgyu’s being kissed. 

Kai is on him, kissing him desperately like he needs it to breathe, and Beomgyu’s melting, kissing him back, grabbing onto Kai’s shoulders like he needs it to keep standing. Soobin wraps an arm around Beomgyu’s waist, possessive, nosing at the side of his neck and shielding them from everyone else’s eyes.

Taehyun, pulled away, finds himself pushed into Yeonjun’s orbit, nearly falling into his arms. Taehyun finds his footing moments before, steadies himself, and looks up. Yeonjun’s eyes are bright, and beautiful, and caught off-guard, and it feels like no one can tear him away, even when the crowd starts moving, waves of people pushing and pulling. Taehyun stays standing, feels like the world has stopped for only him. He doesn’t even blink, stuck in Yeonjun’s gaze and their proximity, almost touching, so little distance but still not enough to meet at the end. 

Stay where you are, Taehyun thinks, afraid, in love. He doesn’t want to touch. He doesn’t want to be pulled away again. He doesn’t want this moment to end. He doesn’t want to lose the feeling of Yeonjun's gaze. He won’t even blink, if he can help it. 

Yeonjun meets his eyes, doesn’t move a muscle. No chaos around him can lift him from where he’s standing. His world has stopped, too, centered here, on the dirty dance floor, everyone moving, their friends falling into each other, and this boy’s eyes on him, and no one else. Just looking at him is enough.

The song ends. 

They snap out of it, reluctant.

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” Taehyun says, needing an excuse to be away from him. Yeonjun stops him, smiling and fragile.

“I’ll go,” he says, walking away again, because that’s all he’s good for, and it’s the least he can do for Taehyun who’s trying so hard for things to be normal between them. 

He makes it to the bar, gets Taehyun a drink, and turns around to see Taehyun kissing someone else. 

If this were a drama, Yeonjun would have dropped his drinks and ran away, weeping. But this is real life, and Yeonjun isn’t someone who is capable of walking away from anything, even the things that hurt, so he stays right where he is.

Yeonjun watches other people kiss him. Yeonjun watches him wrap his arms around the shoulders of someone else. There’s an ache in his chest that he can’t explain, and doesn’t want to understand, but he can’t turn away. It’s his own form of penance, for the way he’s hurt Taehyun all this time. He has done what he’s done fully knowing what it meant. He doesn’t understand why it hurts now when this was what he wanted since the beginning, for Taehyun to move on. 

For Taehyun to look at someone else with those eyes of his, someone more deserving of it. Someone who can take all its weight, knowing how deep it runs. 

Someone that isn’t Yeonjun.

The man Taehyun’s dancing with kisses his neck. His chest hurts, but Yeonjun won’t turn away even if it kills him. This is the only way he can make up for it, for hurting someone he loves so much for such a long time.

Taehyun turns around and smiles at the man who kissed him, and the dimple on his cheek is so sweet that Yeonjun aches even more. But he doesn’t look away, and he doesn’t move back. He stays, and watches, and repents. 

This is his punishment.

Taehyun catches him looking and doesn’t look embarrassed, but he also can’t look him in the eye. It’s okay. Taehyun doesn’t owe him his gaze or his smile. 

Now, in the absence of it, Yeonjun realizes how present it was in his life, and misses it more than he’s ever missed anything. He didn’t realize how much Taehyun looked at him until he stopped. So Yeonjun will make up for it by looking back when it’s already too late to. Maybe if he does it enough he’ll stop feeling so hurt by the choices he’s made, by the things he’s done to himself. 

Taehyun doesn’t look in his direction again. It feels pointed. It feels like mercy. Yeonjun aches and aches, and feels he deserves it, so he stays.

Taehyun and Beomgyu see each other from across the line to the bathroom, and immediately start to run.

“Yeobo!” Taehyun calls, and Beomgyu jumps into his arms. Taehyun spins him around like a bride, and Beomgyu laughs and laughs and laughs, giddy up to his toes.

“Tell me everything later?” Taehyun says, putting him down and raising a pinky so Beomgyu knows he’s serious. 

“Every detail for my precious fiance,” Beomgyu promises, locking their pinkies together, and sealing it with a kiss. 

“Not for long, if they have anything to say about it,” Taehyun laughs, nodding to Soobin and Kai from the other side of the room, watching Beomgyu softly, and him like a hawk.

Beomgyu looks at them, stars in his eyes, like he still can’t believe this is real. Taehyun’s heart hurts at how much he deserves it.

“I better get back,” Beomgyu says to him, still looking at the people he loves, hopeful and afraid. Taehyun wraps him in a hug, kisses his cheek, and leaves him to his fate.

When he gets back to the dance floor, Yeonjun’s waiting for him, drink in hand and his eyes an apology. 

Taehyun takes the drink as a peace offering, ignores how their hands touch and the way it burns. Yeonjun keeps looking at him, and he feels a high lingering from Beomgyu’s happiness, imagines a world where it could be possible for him, where he’s brave and it’s welcomed. Taehyun opens his mouth, feels the words catch in his throat.

Dance with me? He almost says, before he stops himself, deciding to be a coward just this once.

“We should go,” is what falls out of his mouth, downing the drink in one go to avoid seeing the way Yeonjun’s face falls. Taehyun hands him back the glass, ignores the graze of their fingers and focuses on the burning in his chest. 

Yeonjun tilts his chin up, wiping at the side of his lips.

“Lip gloss,” he explains, wry, before letting his hand fall. Taehyun is frozen, unable to breathe. Yeonjun holds his wrist, thumbs at the pulse point, and pulls him forward. “Let’s go find the others.”

Taehyun, defenseless, follows his lead.

They end up at the noraebang.

Taehyun doesn’t go home with anyone that night, stays rightfully in their arms. Out of the club, everything about that night feels real and right: Taehyun with a mic in his hand, Taehyun with his eyes on Yeonjun, again, like they should be, like they’ve been avoiding for what felt like years now.

The song starts, and it’s so stupid how Yeonjun’s heart skips a beat, how Taehyun’s stupid drunk dancing is getting to him, reaching for the places he doesn’t usually let anyone else see let alone touch. And this is Taehyunie, his Taehyunie, who he’s known since he was a boy with eyes too big for his face, who’s always looked at him the way he’s looking at him now, like Yeonjun could disappear if he wasn’t watching.

Taehyun belts out the chorus, closes his eyes, and Yeonjun lets out the breath he didn’t realize he had been holding. But then Taehyun looks at him again, and Yeonjun doesn’t know what to do but watch him and watch him and watch him, defenseless.

“Noona neomu yeppeo,” Taehyun sings, pointing at Yeonjun like a rockstar. It feels like Yeonjun has been struck by lightning, face growing hot. Huening bursts out laughing, and Soobin cheers, whipping out his phone to take a video, but Beomgyu looks at them with big, helpless eyes, looks at Yeonjun like he knows what he’s thinking, how his heart’s beating.

“Replay, replay, replay,” Taehyun sings, and Yeonjun, struck, helpless, watches and watches and watches, feels his life reshape around this moment like it’s a piece of the puzzle falling into place.

And as Taehyun perfectly executes the choreography even drunk off his ass like the Shawol that he is, Yeonjun lets himself open his eyes to something he never wanted to face, that maybe this boy who has loved him for so long is someone he loves right back. 

So Yeonjun watches and watches and watches and lets the realization sink in, feels his heart reroute itself into his chest, and race and race and race faster than he’s ever felt it. Taehyun is still singing his stupid song, pointing at Yeonjun with his eyes closed, like he could never mistake where he is even blind, and Yeonjun loves him, and it feels right.

Taehyun is held by all of them in some way or the other, on the walk home. Huening’s arm is around his shoulders, Soobin is ruffling his hair and Beomgyu is hugging him around the waist, wobbling. 

They look like idiot kids like that, loving each other so much that they can’t help but touch even if it makes the walk home so much harder. Yeonjun is walking ahead of them, smiling to himself, holding Taehyun’s hand and trying really hard not to think about it.

It takes a lot more time to reach home like that, and Yeonjun shouldn’t be thankful for it, but he is. He’s taking all the chances he can get tonight, when things are right and Taehyun is looking at him like he always has, like he’s been trying not to for a while now.

Now that Yeonjun knows, now that the revelation of it has both struck him like lightning and felt like walking into the doors of his home after being away for a long time, Yeonjun is trying his hardest not to look back, if only so Taehyun’s efforts aren’t for naught.

They make it to the dorm somehow, and after much time. The others had shed their coats and crawled into Soobin’s room, having entrusted him the baby, Beomgyu’s eyes a threat as he settled Taehyun into Yeonjun’s arms. 

Yeonjun has two bottles of water in one hand and the boy he loves in another, so he lets his brain move on autopilot, carrying both into Taehyun’s room. Tonight’s revelation is lifting his body up like nothing in the world holds as much weight as the love in his heart, and the way Taehyun feels in his arms.

“Are we home?” Taehyun asks, bleary, as they stumble into his room.

I love you, Yeonjun doesn’t say back. He swallows the words down, drinks his water to make the slide smoother. It must have reached his heart with the way it's pounding right now, looking at Taehyun like this, in the dim light of their dorm, in the warm walls of their home.

“Drink this,” he says instead, holding the back of Taehyun’s head hesitantly, unsure if this proximity is something he’s still allowed.

Taehyun finishes the bottle and sighs, like hydration is an ordeal, before slumping into the crook of Yeonjun’s neck like he’s sinking into bed after a long day. 

Yeonjun is frozen. He can’t move. Taehyun must feel how hard his pulse is racing right now, if that’s where he’s choosing to spend his time.

“I’m tired, Yeonjun-hyung-noona,” Taehyun murmurs into Yeonjun’s neck. Yeonjun is melting, melting, melting. He’s not sure how he’s still standing.

“And I miss you,” Taehyun continues, present tense, arms wrapping around Yeonjun’s waist like a vice, or an embrace that’s never felt more right. “I wish it was easy to stop loving you.”

“Don’t stop loving me,” Yeonjun says, the words spilling out of him like vomit. Taehyun lurches back like he’s been slapped.

“You’re being so mean, noona,” he whispers, and he’s not crying, but his voice shakes. Yeonjun’s heard these words before, and it aches the exact same way as the first time. He knows what’s coming next, braces himself for it. “I’m trying so hard for you.”

“Taehyun-ah, I—” Taehyun slumps over and falls on top of him, and Yeonjun’s knees collapse on impact. They fall in a heap on Taehyun’s bed, and Yeonjun expected this, Taehyun being heavy, the weight of his world caught in Yeonjun’s arms. 

Yeonjun clutches him to his chest, takes a deep breath, releases all the weight he’s been carrying in exchange for what’s holding him down now, all this love he didn’t know he was capable of, and Taehyun, who he loves, who he holds back with everything he has.

“I’ll tell you in the morning,” Yeonjun whispers, and closes his eyes.

Yeonjun never imagined that the world could be smaller than him, could fit just right in his arms. He never thought it would have two pointy elbows, didn’t think it had two moons for eyes, capable of pushing and pulling the seas in his body, the water in which it is made up of. It snores, too, a whistling sound, musical, not unlike singing, not unlike the sounds that make up nature, the rustle of the wind, the sweet song of morning, things we were born knowing. Things we are not designed to ever forget.

Taehyun rolls over and faces him, opens his eyes and greets Yeonjun with just enough brightness to light up the world around them, replacing the dark with something else, like moonrise. Yeonjun’s heart feels too big for his body, love devouring every space, unaware of how small he is. He smooths down the hair sticking up from Taehyun’s forehead, shades Taehyun’s eyes a bit so his own can adjust to the sudden appearance of its light. 

It’s morning, and the moon never leaves the sky, only vanishes for a few hours until needed, away from plain sight. Yeonjun used to scour the skies during daylight, made it a game to try and spot the moon when it could not be found. When Yeonjun met Taehyun, he realized where it goes in its spare time, and never had trouble finding it since then. Always beside him, always bright, taking all his shadows away.

Taehyun blinks at him, bleary, traces of a dream still trickling out of his eyelids. Then, he blinks, stares at Yeonjun for a long moment, and shoots up, alarmed and clutching his chest.

This is dramatic, Yeonjun thinks, charmed. 

“Why are you naked?!” Taehyun whispers, wrapping his arms around himself like he’s the one naked. Yeonjun giggles, all the stress of the past months melting off him, replaced by the giddiness carried by what he’s come to realize. He stretches his limbs, languid, like a cat lounging in sunlight. 

“You took my shirt off while we were sleeping.” Yeonjun watches Taehyun try to not let his gaze wander, eyes darting to his chest and then to the wall.

He’s appalled at Yeonjun’s words, shoulders rising, like a cat with all its hair stood up on end. “Put it back on!”

“You’re the one waking me up in the middle of the night to strip me and now you’re acting all scandalized?” Yeonjun shouldn’t tease, not when he hasn’t said what he needs to say yet, but he can’t help but indulge in this feeling. Especially when Taehyun’s being so cute with it.

“You’re lyi.. I didn’t mean t—I would never!” Taehyun is grasping at straws, his big brain unable to come up with an excuse, visibly distracted. “I must have been dreaming about something,” he settles on, defeated, crossing his arms and shifting his gaze from the wall to the ceiling.

“Do you dream about me often?”

“That’s not the point!” He’s pouting. Yeonjun finds him really cute like this, hair a mess, eyes too wide for having just woken up. This yearning feels too big for his body, all that want stretching up to his toes. “I thought I told you to stop being mean to me!”

“Why should I?” Yeonjun tilts his head, watching red rise on Taehyun’s cheeks, crawling down his neck and around his ears. Yeonjun wants to touch it, to trace it with his fingers and see how far down it goes, but holds himself back from acting prematurely and scaring Taehyun away. He can be patient. 

Taehyun has been patient for nine years. He doesn’t know how Taehyun’s survived for so long being so consumed by so much of this feeling, like a constant outpouring of light. It feels like all his hair is standing up on end. It’s like he can feel his heart beating at every moment.

“So we can have a proper conversation!” 

“Are my nipples distracting you?”

“Yes, quite frankly.” 

“Oh, I didn’t expect you to answer so honestly.”

Taehyun’s face is so red. He finds it in himself to look at Yeonjun, and it’s already too much for his heart. He feels ridiculous. He would admit himself to the psych ward if they didn’t have a schedule tomorrow.

Yeonjun puts on the first shirt he touches, which is Taehyun’s, because they’re in his room for some fucking reason. The clothes he had been trying on in a hurry last night are everywhere. Everything is out of place.

Last night, everything felt so real and so right, but nothing makes any fucking sense in the morning light, not the lack of hangover making itself at home in Taehyun’s head, not the pile of limbs he woke up and startled to this morning, and most of all, not this, not Yeonjun looking at him like that, like—

The thing is, Taehyun has been doing his best to set realistic expectations for himself. He’s been trying and working so hard to just move on and become a functioning member of society without this really distracting blockage of heartbreak in his chest cavity that’s making it hard to move in his everyday life. So he doesn’t like holding on to hope or anything that could set him back on his goal to just get past this love he has never learned how to let go of. But Yeonjun is—

Yeonjun is looking at him like he loves him. And suddenly he’s become helpless all over again.

Taehyun sighs. This is just delusion, he reasons with himself, avoiding Yeonjun’s gaze because his life depends on it. Hope is so dangerous this early in the morning, when everything feels soft and possible, untouched by reason and the outside world. Taehyun has been working hard to extinguish that part of himself. It took one moment alone with Yeonjun to bring it back to life, full burning flame and all.

Yeonjun touches his chin, makes him look at him. Alarm bells are ringing in Taehyun’s head at the soft look on his face. He’s never seen it on Yeonjun before, but he knows what it is, has seen it in the mirror since he was 13 years old, but. 

He wants to stick to his guns, and he refuses to acknowledge that this isn’t a figment of his imagination unless Yeonjun says it out loud.

Taehyun takes a deep breath, reminds himself to be strong, and resumes their conversation. 

“Might as well start early. We’re gonna talk about it, aren’t we?” Taehyun says, resolved to give his hyung a hard time. Yeonjun smiles at him like he knows him, like he can read his mind. His hair is a mess. It’s the same color as his lips, always red, like he doesn’t go too long without being kissed. Coupled with the fact that he’s wearing Taehyun’s shirt, the whole of him is so devastating that for a moment Taehyun can’t speak. 

Humiliatingly, Yeonjun saves him, like always.

“Taehyun-ah,” he closes his eyes, terrified of the impact. Yeonjun touches his face, begs him, “Please look at me.”

Taehyun opens his eyes, cautious.

“I love you.”

It lands like he expects.

“No, you don’t,” Taehyun replies, automatic, like it’s an impossible thing. Yeonjun flinches and grabs his hand, locks their fingers together tight.

“I’m sorry, Taehyun-ah,” he won’t look away. He won’t let Taehyun look away either. “I’ve made it really hard for the both of us. I—I hurt you so much. I never wanted to. But if you give me a chance, I—I’ll do everything I can. I’ll be someone who deserves you.”

He’s being honest. Taehyun can’t detect a lie in his face, but—it doesn’t make any sense. None of this makes any sense.

“You’ve always deserved me,” he says instead, squeezing Yeonjun’s hand tighter when he starts to shake his head. “You deserve better, even. But it’s about wanting, hyung. I don’t think that’s something you can give me.”

“You’re wrong,” Yeonjun says, determined and tired of being down on himself. He can’t change the past. But now that he knows, he’ll make it so Taehyun won't be able to deny it. He’s always been good at proving himself, especially when the results are worth it. “About everything you just said. I’m so sorry that I ever made you feel unwanted. I was just afraid.”

“I never thought you to be a coward.”

“You make me feel things I’ve never felt before, Taehyun-ah. Things I didn’t think I was capable of.”

“I don’t know if I can believe you,” Taehyun lets go of his hand. Yeonjun gives himself a moment to be crushed, closing his eyes. “Hyung. I’m not angry at you for not loving me. I’m not that kind of person and you know that. I wasn’t unhappy, or hurt, or mad this whole time.” Taehyun tilts his face up, asks him to look without saying the words. Yeonjun, helpless, caring more about him than being hurt, opens his eyes and doesn’t flinch. He has to get used to the sight of the person he loves, bright and incandescent, eyes kind and forgiving in a way that Yeonjun has never deserved, and is trying to. “I was happy to be with you. I was happy to be by your side. You don’t have to say all this just to make things go back to the way they were.”

“I’m sorry, Taehyun-ah,” he murmurs, intertwining his fingers with Taehyun’s, moves to give his fingers a kiss. He doesn’t blink, doesn’t dare break this fragile moment. Taehyun looks back at him, so hopeful and so afraid of it. “You’re smarter than me but you’re wrong about this. And I’ll prove it to you everyday.”

Taehyun smiles a bit, the way he does when Yeonjun says things that are a bit excessive.

“Until I believe you?”

“Until I die.”

The smile breaks into a laugh, and Yeonjun’s heart breaks in two, mends itself back up at being the cause of it.

“You don’t need to go that far, hyung.”

“I already know I’ll love you until then.”

Taehyun is speechless. Yeonjun feels proud of himself, preening, taking advantage and touching Taehyun’s cheek where it’s the reddest.

“You’re blushing,” Yeonjun states the obvious, smiling. 

“You’ve never flirted with me before. I’m just shocked.” Taehyun has never looked so much of his age, boyish and sweet and uncharacteristically shy, trying not to give too much away. Too bad he’s never been good at hiding.

“You look happy. I’ll do everything I can to make you look like this all the time. Please humor me until then.”

“Until when?”

“Until I die.” There’s that laugh again.

“That sounds like a proposal,” he’s trying to tease Yeonjun back. Yeonjun’s too blinded by love to feel embarrassed about anything, even the next thing he’s about to say.

“It’s not like I can let you marry Beomgyu.” He huffs, knowing it’s childish, and doesn’t care. 

“You heard all that?” There’s that smile again, dimpling his cheek. Beautiful. If it yields these results, he’ll act as ridiculous as he wants. It seems to have worked in making this precious person love him, anyway.

“I was hurt by all that.” 

In hindsight, it’s stupid and Yeonjun is an idiot. But in that moment, hearing it felt like a confirmation of how everything was slipping away from him because he couldn’t move too decisively, because he kept refusing to close his fingers around the things that matter to him. Opening the door and seeing them kissing shattered what remained of his denial that nothing was changing, and the enormity of that feeling is what he can recognize now as the beginning of his realization, that he loved Taehyun all along. 

Taehyun still doesn’t seem to understand how serious he is even as he’s acting a fool, because he asks, “why were you hurt?” 

Yeonjun wants to laugh at how Taehyun still doesn’t get it, knows he only has himself to blame. Now, he knows better than to think he’s the type of guy who can just let things go, too stubborn to be a martyr. Too in love to be selfless and turn away.

“Because I love you.” Another round of blushing. Yeonjun feels warm all over, never wants to stop saying the words now that he’s started.

“Stop saying it.” Taehyun covers his face, but Yeonjun won’t let him hide.

“I won’t. I love you, Taehyun-ah.”

“This is too much,” Taehyun whispers to himself. His hands are shaking, the whole of him not knowing how to process getting the things he’s always wanted, all up in his face, saying the words he’s always wanted to hear and just never thought possible. 

“You don’t need to say it back or anything.”

“I won’t,” Taehyun says, looking up and remembering himself. He has to be strong, to not buckle under the gaze of the person he has always loved. He’s already given too much away, too soft to stay on the defensive for too long. So much for giving Yeonjun a hard time. “You have to work hard for it, you know.”

Thankfully, Yeonjun is the most hardworking person he knows. Yeonjun realized he loves him (theoretically. Jury’s still out. Taehyun has trust issues) and didn’t let a single day pass without saying it. This single-minded focus of his, in this way, is terrifying. Taehyun feels exhilarated, and afraid, and in love. 

All in all, the same since he was 13 years old, but magnified to about a million.

Even now, just having all of Yeonjun for just a few minutes makes all those years of waiting worth it. It’s even sweeter now, knowing how long it took, and how hard he worked just to end up in the same place. Thankfully, the ending seems to be happy, if Yeonjun has anything to say about it.

If all else fails, Taehyun can at least say he beat Yeonjun at something, for once.

“Now that I know, I won’t hold back. I’ll sweep you off your feet on purpose this time.”

“I was already swept,” Taehyun says, the closest to a confession he’ll allow himself to give right now. Yeonjun's eyes grow soft like he’s handed him the world already. “But I know you’ll work hard regardless.”

“It’s worth it,” Yeonjun smiles. Taehyun doesn’t know why he’s getting choked up just seeing it like this: upfront, closer than he’s used to, and all for him. “Please take care of me until then.”

“Until you die?” Taehyun says, getting used to this old song and dance. Flirting is like idol choreography. He’ll stumble at first, sweat and curse and blush through it, and learn how to crawl his way up from number 10 to 1 eventually. What hasn’t changed since the day they met: Yeonjun has always given him something to chase after.

“And every moment after.” And isn’t he just getting a bit too confident?

“Who says I’d want to be with you until then?” he asks, obviously bluffing.

Yeonjun can see right through him, “didn’t you say you wanted to be with me through everything?” 

And that’s just low. Bringing up old Weverse posts when Taehyun hadn’t yet learned how to hold anything back. And he thought he was being subtle too.

“Those were song lyrics!”

“Were they untrue?”

Taehyun thought wooing was supposed to be a sweet process. Why is this hyung being so mean to him?

“Aren’t you supposed to be winning me over?”

Yeonjun leans in, just close enough to be kissed, and stays there. “I’m just saying, if it were true, I’d feel the same way about you.”

And then he laughs a bit, the way he does when he’s embarrassed about being too earnest, and it’s that familiar sound that grabs Taehyun by the chest and tells him: this is actually real.

“You’re really serious,” Taehyun whispers, trying to stave off a meltdown, and ignores how Yeonjun’s eyes dart to his lips.

“I am.” His eyes still linger, trickling back up to his eyes, slow and sweet like syrup.

“You’re sure.” Trust issues, so present, even amidst distraction.

“Surer than anything,” Yeonjun confirms, moving closer until he’s practically on Taehyun’s lap. Taehyun’s elbows buckle and he falls back onto the bed, defeated. It’s a knockout, a decisive win. 

“Okay,” he sighs, and Yeonjun lights up. 

“So you’ll let me?”

This is what he’s always wanted, but Taehyun doesn’t know if he’s ready for his love to be requited. He’s terrified. He feels like he’s sweating so much, and his heart’s beating about a mile a millisecond. But Yeonjun leans forward, face blocking the sun, and Taehyun has no choice but to be brave and fall into his arms, scared out of his mind. 

It’s worth it, he thinks, trying to convince himself. 

“Do what you want,” he says, bracing himself, and letting go. 

It’ll be good, he knows, just by the way Yeonjun smiles.

Moments later, he blinks, grabs Yeonjun by the waist and flips them around, leaning over him for a few seconds and smiling at the sound of a squeak. 

He’s blushing, and his cheeks are the color of his hair, and the lines of his smile reach up to his ear, all that red running through him.

“I have to go to the bathroom,” Taehyun says, smiling at how Yeonjun avoids his eyes. It’s adorable, seeing his cool hyung so flustered.

“Don’t be too long,” Yeonjun manages, already clingy and it hasn’t even been a day of this. Taehyun lets his entire weight fall on his silly hyung until he’s whining, nosing at his cheek before rolling over and leaving the bed. He stands, moving to walk away if not for the hand clutching his shirt like a little kid. He looks at Yeonjun and his noona is staring at the ceiling like he’s innocent.

How could I even try to deny that you love me when this is how you’re acting right now, Taehyun thinks, overwhelmed. He pries Yeonjun’s hand from his shirt and squeezes it tight before letting go. 

“I’ll be back before you know it,” he promises. Yeonjun holds up a pinky, and Taehyun locks it in, looking Yeonjun right in the eye as he seals it with a kiss. 

Taehyun and Beomgyu bump into each other outside the bathroom, and immediately start jumping around like children.

“Yeobo!” Beomgyu cheers, lifting Taehyun up by the waist and spinning him around like the winner he is. Taehyun laughs and laughs and laughs, throwing his arms up like he’s lighter than air.

Beomgyu sets him down, because he’s actually quite heavy, smiles at the mess of his hair and the dazed look in his eyes. Still in yesterday’s clothes, but without all that heartbreak wearing him down.

“Tell me everything later?” Beomgyu asks, raising a pinky so Taehyun knows he’s serious. Taehyun pulls at his hand and spins him into a dip, going lower and lower until Beomgyu’s giggling.

“Every detail for my dear fiance,” Taehyun laughs into his ear, before giving him a big smack on the cheek and setting him back standing. 

“Don’t say that around Yeonjun-hyung or he might get jealous,” Beomgyu warns him, and Taehyun squeezes his hands, looking down at them and smiling.

“Did you know that he’s allegedly in love with me?” Taehyun asks, looking up at him with eyes that are so hopeful and so afraid. Beomgyu feels himself tear up at how much he deserves it.

“Who wouldn’t be?” he sniffles, which leads Taehyun to try and dip him again. 

When they’re back on their feet and after squeezing each other’s cheeks for a few moments, Beomgyu slaps their hands away and backs Taehyun up against the wall, arm braced beside his head.

“I won’t keep you for too long, but… Meet me in our spot later?” he asks, looking at him through his lashes like the handsome second lead he is. 

Taehyun, acting unimpressed like he’s not holding back a smile, replies, “you mean my room?”

Beomgyu nods, pleased that they’re still connected by their hearts. “Where it all began.”

Taehyun grabs him by the waist and spins him around like a prince, bracing him against the wall and switching their positions. His eyes are sparkling like a main lead, committed to his role as he swears, “I’ll wait for you.”

Beomgyu clutches his chest, swooning.

“I better get back,” Taehyun says, looking at the door to his room, suddenly winded, like everything is only now sinking in. Beomgyu knows how this feels, understands him more than anyone else in the world. Their hearts are connected. And contractually bound. So he grabs Taehyun’s hand, pulls him forward, and leads him to his fate. 

Beomgyu enters Taehyun’s room and shuts the door before said owner could walk in. There’s a faint jiggle of the doorknob before he seemingly gives up and decides to just go with the flow, staying put. 

Beomgyu smiles at that, and at his trust. Maybe tears up about it for a bit before getting himself together, and glaring at the scoundrel currently situated at his fiance’s bed. 

“Yeonjun-hyung,” he starts, threatening. Yeonjun merely huffs and rolls over, covering his head with a pillow. Beomgyu gasps at this display of childish immaturity and leaps, tickling him furiously. 

Yeonjun screams, and they roll around like children for a few seconds yelling, elbows flying. It ends with Beomgyu trapped between Yeonjun’s legs, back to chest, his cheeks being squeezed apart with no regard for their elasticity. He’s not Soobin! It’s easy to mistake him for one of the loves of his life, but Yeonjun should know better, having lived with them for so long now.

Eventually, someone taps out (it’s Beomgyu), and they lay there, sweaty and catching their breaths furiously.

“Yeonjun-hyung,” Beomgyu starts again, softer, fight drained out of him. “You’ll be good to him, yeah?”

Yeonjun looks at him, eyes wide and all heart to them. Beomgyu doesn’t want to doubt him, wants to entrust Taehyun to him fully without fear. But he knows more than anyone how hurt Taehyun has been all this time, and doesn't want him to have to break apart like that again if he can help it.

“Beomgyu-yah,” Yeonjun says. His voice is shaking. Beomgyu keeps looking at him, searching for something. Yeonjun lifts his hands and they’re trembling, takes Beomgyu’s hand and guides it to his heart, and it’s trembling too. Shaking apart.

“Ever since I learned that I loved him, this is how it’s felt.” Yeonjun admits, tearing up like the crybaby he is. He lets go of Beomgyu’s hand to cover his face, lets out a trembling breath. The whole of him is shaking apart, terrified, and trying so hard to be brave in spite of it. 

Beomgyu looks at him, his cool hyung, scared out of his mind just by the thought of hurting Taehyun again, and smiles, steady and sure.

Outside, the sun has fully risen. Yeonjun stops hiding, sits in the light, and looks Beomgyu right in the eye, unable to stop himself from squeezing at his face. 

“I’ll do whatever it takes to make up for everything. I promise.” Yeonjun lets go of his cheek and raises a pinky, and Beomgyu locks it in. 

“And you’ll love him well?” Beomgyu keeps asking, wanting to be as sure as he can.

“With everything I have. I’ll do my best to deserve our Taehyunie,” he swears, head held high, and there he is, their reliable oldest hyung, never sitting in doubt for too long.

“You better,” Beomgyu threatens one last time, before letting go. 

He stands up, stretching, feeling a few bones pop in anguish. He glares at Yeonjun, who then stares at the wall, innocent. Then, he blinks, fight drained from him, slumping back into the bed like everything is suddenly sinking in.

That’s Beomgyu’s cue to go, pulling at Yeonjun’s hair and then running, ignoring his scream. He opens the door and Taehyun has his ear against it, obviously listening, and then looking up, same nonchalant look to him. 

You two belong together, Beomgyu thinks, fond. He’s always known this, is glad to finally see things fall where they should. 

“I’ll be leaving you in less than capable hands, Taehyun-ah,” he sighs, ignoring the protests and dodging the pillow flying at his head. “Don’t forget our promise,” he continues, staring off to the side, wistful.

Taehyun holds his face, placing a soft kiss at the corner of his lips. Beomgyu is proud of his commitment to this role, doesn’t want to think about how close they are to ending things or else he will start to cry really hard. 

Instead, he focuses on the knowledge that there is definitely a pouting manchild behind him witnessing all this, grabbing Taehyun’s wrists softly. 

“I won’t,” Taehyun swears, placing another kiss to the other side of Beomgyu’s lips, sealing their promise and ignoring the huffing and puffing behind them.

“I’ll meet you at our spot, when the time is right,” he sighs, forlorn, before beginning to let go.

Taehyun squeezes at the back of his neck, thumbing at the short hairs there, and steps away. “I’ll be there,” he promises, maintaining eye contact until the very last moment as he closes the door.

Taehyun sighs to himself, and turns around, finding just a little red bump poking out of his blankets. He approaches, pulls the sheets back to see his hyung pouting, arms crossed and looking away.

“You’re really jealous,” he realizes, amused. Yeonjun rolls his eyes and huffs again, scrunching his nose.

“Why wouldn’t I be! I confess my undying love for you and you go around kissing other boys moments later. And in front of me too!” he rants, eyebrows beginning to scrunch as well.

Taehyun giggles, uncrossing Yeonjun’s arms himself and pulling him in. Yeonjun lets himself be pulled, not even pretending to be stubborn. 

“Come on, hyung-ah. You know you’re my number one,” he attempts, pulling at Yeonjun’s chin so he’ll look at him. 

Yeonjun doesn’t fight that either, practically putty in his hands. Still, the pout doesn’t seem to be going away no matter what. “If I’m number one then there’s a number two, and a number three, and so on and so forth. So no, you’re not getting out of this that easily.”

Taehyun smiles, not expecting his noona to be this silly. He thought he would be suave, or smooth with it, like he usually is with everyone else he flirts with. He should have known that Yeonjun is just a big loser beneath it all. 

“So you want me to say you’re my only one, then?” Taehyun sees the smile starting from the sides of Yeonjun’s lips, like he can’t help it, and takes that as a resounding yes. 

He stands up, doesn’t give Yeonjun a chance to protest as he pulls him in and wraps his arms around his hyung’s waist, swaying them into a slow dance, and singing into his ear.

“My only love,” he croons, and Yeonjun giggles, overwhelmed, before grabbing Taehyun’s hand and sweeping him off his feet, spinning him around, placing a kiss on his knuckles, then throwing his arms around Taehyun’s neck in a warm embrace, continuing the slow dance like nothing happened. Taehyun laughs and laughs, winded, tries to remember the words to this serenade and somehow keeps singing.

“Every step we take,” he giggles, the dance becoming clumsy and foolish, Yeonjun letting it happen and smiling along. “It’s like a dance we perform together,” he keeps singing, staring into Yeonjun’s eyes and pulling him closer, hands on the small of his back. “My oh my oh nae sarang, be—” Yeonjun’s face is so close, and his eyes are so warm, and Taehyun’s having trouble finding the melody, so lost in them that he almost can’t speak.

“My only love,” he whispers, against Yeonjun’s lips that are moments away, feels his eyes close in anticipation, before the door slams open and they’re torn from their embrace.

Soobin peeks inside, nosy and shameless.

“Breakfast,” he says, not even attempting to not look curious, and obviously just looking for a reason to barge in, because none of the others outside this room can cook. 

Yeonjun scrunches his nose, thumbing at Taehyun’s cheeks before letting go and grabbing his hand instead, pulling them to the door.

“Shall we?” And Taehyun sighs, knowing the legion of nosy gossipmongers waiting outside that door.

“Let’s go then. Face the music and all,” he mumbles, not very confident that he can stand tall and defensive against his soon-to-be former fiance, the angel that is Hueningkai, and his captain, all of whom are way too invested in this than what is necessary or appropriate.

“We should have insisted on a professional working relationship when we had the chance,” he continues under his breath, not meaning it at all, and decidedly not laughing when Soobin gasps. 

They survive enough to make it to the kitchen, where there’s absolutely no breakfast to be found. Taehyun sighs again, lets go of Yeonjun’s hand to get their food ready, ignoring the pout he can hear even with his back turned. 

He’s laying the vegetables out to make the side dishes, thinks that this is a chance for Yeonjun to prove his love and help him out for once.

“Honey,” he calls out, deciding just then to try it out, see if it works for them. He turns around to see Yeonjun shoot up from his seat like he’d been electrocuted.

“What did you just call me?” he asks, blushing and obviously delighted. 

“I was talking to Beomgyu-hyung,” Taehyun answers, nonplussed, as Beomgyu preens. Even though they just had a moment about this, Yeonjun actually looks so sad that Taehyun bursts into laughter, so fond it actually aches.

“I’m just joking, jagi. Help me slice the cucumbers?”

Yeonjun walks up to him in a daze like a cartoon character hypnotized by the smell of food, eyes practically turned into hearts. He’s ridiculous. Taehyun wouldn’t wish the world this lightness in his chest, just because he’s selfish and wants to keep it for himself. He smiles to himself, feeling a bit like a fool. He didn’t think he would be the possessive type, but maybe being in requited love changes a person. It’s also made him braver than he thought, and it seems to have made Yeonjun sillier than what should be humanly possible. 

Yeonjun approaches the counter and traps him between his arms before he could even think about moving away, settling his face on Taehyun’s shoulder and quickly making a home where he is.

This is counterproductive, Taehyun thinks, but knows better than to move away lest Yeonjun start sulking. He doesn’t even really want to, is too quietly happy where he is, even if he can’t quite grasp the reality of it until now. 

Like he can read Taehyun’s thoughts, Yeonjun blows into his ear as if to chase them away, and Taehyun shivers before biting at Yeonjun’s cheek, ignoring his shriek and not even bothering to pretend to be annoyed. He knows his eyes give him away, having formed the same shape as Yeonjun’s since the moment they met, too honest for his own good, too obvious. Yeonjun’s learning to be the same way, to meet him where he is, until it’s impossible to deny what he’s feeling, transparent and sincere and so good it hurts Taehyun’s heart.

That’s the difference between them: Taehyun’s feelings are written all over him, Yeonjun can hide his but chooses not to. The downside to it is, everyone else also knows and likes to tease too much.

“You’re gay!” A voice yells. They turn around and Beomgyu’s sitting on the table pretending to use his phone as if none of them were able to recognize his voice. Huening and Soobin are both trying not to laugh, both completely hopeless and just now letting everyone else see it too. Taehyun looks down, sees their legs intertwined underneath the table. There’s some footsie going around. Taehyun watches in horror as Beomgyu’s foot crawls dangerously close to Kai’s crotch, and proceeds to clear his throat to absolutely no effect.

Yeonjun, a few seconds away from covering Taehyun’s eyes with his hands, then decides to interfere the best way he knows how: provocation. “Says the person with two boyfriends. Greedy.”

Beomgyu rolls his eyes, taking his foot back and crossing his legs like a princess, as though the past few seconds never happened. “Excuse me, we’re still currently in the courting process as I am still contractually and spiritually bound to someone else.” And that’s really enough for them to gather his meaning, but Beomgyu likes to lay it on thick. “To our Taehyunie, if you didn’t already know.”

It’s like Taehyun can hear Yeonjun’s vein pop, and decides to end this now for the sake of peace at their breakfast table. 

“Jagiya,” he starts, and Beomgyu sticks his tongue out at Yeonjun like he’s won, but Taehyun isn’t done. “Yeobo,” he continues, and both Yeonjun and Beomgyu freeze. “Behave.”

They really are so similar, Taehyun smiles to himself, watching the two of them sulk and pout like babies. Taehyun spins around and manhandles Yeonjun in the right position for knifework, adjusting his hands accordingly and pinching him in the ass when he gets too impatient. Is he taking advantage? Kind of. Is he ashamed? A bit, but not too much. Does he regret it? Not really. Is he going to stop? Probably not. 

Yeonjun turns his head and the full force of his beautiful eyes hits Taehyun in the face and halts his thought process to a full stop. All there’s left is the color red, and the leftover space in his head starts molding itself around the shape of Yeonjun’s smile, and how it’s changed now that Yeonjun loves him back.

“I’m so hungry,” come mutters from unhelpful people at the table. Taehyun breaks himself out of his in love daze, looks over to see Kai begging him with his cute eyes that he knows Taehyun is weak for. Taehyun sighs and digs his chin into Yeonjun’s shoulder, ignoring his yelp and then stepping away to actually cook breakfast without being gay about it. 

 

 

When the food is actually served, Taehyun prays for a silent meal with as little questions as possible. He feels a foot brush against his calf teasingly, looks up and sees Beomgyu wink at him. Taehyun feels fingers brush against his wrist, turns his hand around to catch Yeonjun’s own locking around his fingers tight, and resolves to eat the rest of his meals one-handed from now on. Taehyun feels something wet against his cheek and closes his eyes, holding back a sigh and searching whatever space he has left inside of him for patience. He knows that can only be Soobin licking him, and opens his eyes to see said leader showing them all the chewed-up food in his mouth to hooting and hollering and booing, the last coming from Taehyun specifically. As he deliberates in his head for what score to give and how much to deduct based on the spit on his cheek, he looks around and catches Kai’s eyes, who notices and mouths to him, I love you.

Taehyun tears up a bit, shakes his head at the alarm on Huening’s face, giving him a kissy face which soothes his worry into an aegyo-filled reciprocation. Taehyun chews his food, swallows like a person with decency and decorum, and then gives Soobin a solid 7.5/10, with 1.5 points deducted for licking a member of the judging panel that isn’t any of his significant others/loves of his life. As he listens to the critique and the squeaky laughter of his members, he smiles to himself, happy at how his entire world could change in the same morning, and yet some things are determined to stay the same. 

Taehyun banishes Yeonjun and Beomgyu to wash the dishes, watching them elbow each other as they wash and dry. Then, he takes advantage of their distraction to look at the other two left occupying the dining table, both of which are resolutely avoiding his eyes.

With that, Taehyun decides to sit in between them and hold them down by the thigh with one hand each, as insurance for any possible escape plan, eyes already scanning for the exits.

“So, courting?” Taehyun starts, already pinching the skin by Soobin’s knee when he immediately starts to squirm and wiggle. Taehyun forgot he’s ticklish there, then decides he doesn’t really care and pinches him again. Kai takes pity on him as he watches the ongoing torture, and decides to answer, “I asked him to be with us last night, but apparently he’s still taken by you.”

“Sure is,” Taehyun replies, not giving an inch. He decides to be nice and shift his hold into something less hostile, reaching for both their hands, which is both gentler and an easier way to catch someone that’s trying to run away. “Can I trust you to be good to him?”

Soobin grows soft beside him, always grateful when Beomgyu is loved as he should be, even if it’s him that Taehyun’s trying to protect him from. 

“Of course, Taehyun-ah,” he says, squeezing Taehyun’s hand. Taehyun isn’t that worried about it, knows he’s lucky enough to end up with people that are kinder than anyone else in the world. “You don’t have to worry about that with us. And if this is anything like the talk you had with me when me and Huening started dating, then the same thing I said before applies.”

“That if I ever see a tear fall from their eyes then I have permission to change your insta username to sujebi?"

“That you have permission to kill me. But I guess that’s a worse cross to bear for having done such a terrible thing.”

Taehyun smiles, triumphant, turns to his best friend who’s looking at him with his lovely eyes, even softer than usual.

“I didn’t know you threatened him about me.” Taehyun doesn’t know how he still doesn’t get it, that he’s the most important person in Taehyun’s life.

“You’re my most precious person, Kai-yah,” Taehyun states the obvious. Kai smiles down at their hands, thumbing at Taehyun’s knuckles. “Of course I wouldn’t play about you.”

“He wasn’t very scary,” Soobin remarks unhelpfully, dimpling at Taehyun as if that would soften the blow. “But he was very firm and sweet, so I took him seriously. I wasn’t planning on hurting you ever, so I just agreed to all his terms.”

“Thank you,” Taehyun says, ignoring most of what was said. “All that’s left is convincing me to let my marriage go.”

“That’s just being greedy,” Kai complains, butting their heads like penguins. “You already have Yeonjun-hyung. And you won’t even do this for me, your most precious person, whose man you stole from right under his nose?”

“That’s not the point,” Taehyun avoids, feeling his face grow hot. Soobin’s smiling like he’s about to start teasing him, so Taehyun continues before he starts getting compared to a cat again, “and besides, you didn’t even tell me that you liked him!”

“I wasn’t really sure until I kissed him,” Kai confesses, looking down at their hands. “I don’t even know what came over me. I just know I didn’t like seeing you two like that, and I didn’t like the look on Soobin-hyung’s face when he saw you like that either. I didn’t even want to acknowledge it, because I couldn’t imagine having an ugly feeling like that about you at all, but it’s like I was possessed. The next thing I knew, I was pulling him away from you and we were kissing. Then, I knew for sure. I couldn’t imagine never having that again,” he pauses, reaching with his other hand to thumb at Soobin’s other wrist, unused to not touching for so long. He looks up, meeting Soobin’s eyes, and Taehyun feels it too, that pull between them, the way their hands return to each other inevitably, like gum stuck to each other’s souls. 

“It wasn’t that it didn’t feel whole without him. It’s more like I didn’t know that we were missing something until I was kissing him, and holding his face in my hands,” he explains, and Soobin shakes his head like he doesn’t need to worry about being misunderstood. Like he’s ready to hold in his hands all the things unsaid between them, and all of it would be okay no matter what it would be. “In that moment, I understood what it meant when people said you’ll know it when you feel it. When I kissed Beomgyu-hyung, I knew it, and it felt right.”

“I’ve always loved him,” Soobin admits, and it’s easy, following Kai’s lead. His eyes are an apology when he looks at him, and Kai shakes his head like there’s nothing to be afraid of. “I’ve always known. I was just so afraid. I didn’t know if there was anything I could stand to give up.” He doesn’t meet any of their eyes, ashamed and tearing up. He’s always been quick to cry, especially with these people, who he loves so much. 

Kai makes a hurt sound seeing him like that, so Soobin keeps talking, wanting to get it over with, to finally be understood where he is. “I was too afraid to say the quiet part out loud, to make any big choices that could change everything. I was such a coward that I ended up hurting two of my most precious people. After that, what else would I have left to lose? My pride? My dignity? They’re more important than any of that, than anything else in the world.” 

Taehyun squeezes his hand, thumbing at his pulse. It’s racing, like even the thought of it is upsetting him. Kai grabs his other hand, placing it on his neck by his pulse point, grounding him. Soobin thumbs at the edge of his jaw, and it’s like all his angst has melted off, smile coming easily when looking at the person he loves. 

“It turns out, I didn’t have to give up anything at all. All I had to do was be brave, follow Huening where he goes. It wasn’t hard. It felt effortless, even, to watch them kiss and hold Beomgyu close like I never allowed myself before. No part of it hurt, and I felt the same as Kai felt, that I finally understood what I was missing all this time,” Soobin smiles, looking at Kai like nothing else in the world existed outside of them, hearts aligning. Taehyun can feel it too, the way Soobin’s pulse steadies, like it’s found something to follow, the moment Soobin felt along for the beating of Kai’s heart. Taehyun doesn’t even have to reach for it to know for certain what he wants, knows what’s in Kai’s heart better than his own.

At that moment, Beomgyu turns around and catches their eyes, still up to his elbows in suds, blinking at the heavy feeling in the air. Soobin and Kai feel the weight of his gaze and the whole of them is pulled to where he is, faces turning towards the sun. And then Beomgyu smiles, and it’s like all the worries melt off their shoulders, replaced by something so precious that Taehyun can’t call it anything but love. He watches them, recognizes the helpless looks on their face, and feels something in him settle, steady and sure.

“Alright,” Taehyun says, soft enough to break the spell. The three of them turn back to where they should be, present with other people even with their hearts tied together like that. 

Taehyun smiles down at Soobin and Kai’s hands, squeezing them both as he says, “you have my blessing. And the end of our engagement by later tonight,” before finally letting go.

Beomgyu approaches them, hands dry and face wary. He’s hesitant in a way Taehyun isn’t used to, so he immediately seizes him by the waist and leans him up against the counter, before looking straight at his men and whispering into his ear, “Yeobo… I’ll see you tonight?”

Beomgyu looks at them, giggles at the aghast look on their faces and realizes this is the first time they’ve witnessed this charade. So he gives as good he gets, clutching Taehyun’s chest, fixing his bangs so he can look up at him through his lashes, brows furrowed and whispering softly, “I’ll be there.”

Then, they break apart mournfully, and Taehyun sighs, wistful, before walking away and immediately breaking character. Before he goes back to his room, he cranes his head and takes a peek at them, smiling when he sees Beomgyu on Soobin’s lap, shouting with laughter while being tickled, Kai blowing raspberries on his neck. 

He turns back, opening his door, jumping at the sound of Yeonjun screaming, startled, as if he isn’t the one sneaking around in someone else’s room. Taehyun just looks at him, amused at how he’s looking around innocently as if he hasn’t been caught red-handed.

“What are you sneaking around for?” Taehyun asks, slowly backing Yeonjun up the door, who doesn’t notice until he feels it against his back, gasping. He scrambles for purchase and his hands fall on Taehyun’s chest, before he blushes bright red and slides his fingers down to fiddle with the hem of Taehyun’s shirt, seemingly gathering up the courage for something.

“I was just getting things ready,” he starts, looking up at Taehyun with eyes that make his knees weak. Taehyun braces his hands beside Yeonjun’s head, both to keep himself on his feet and to see Yeonjun’s eyes dart to the muscles in his arms, before he slowly trickles his gaze up to meet Taehyun’s eyes, leaving traces of sweetness on his skin like syrup. 

“Taehyun-ah,” he continues, trailing off into a hum, hands crawling up Taehyun’s waist and leaving traces of sugar there too, lingering on his skin and his clothes, impossible to remove or wash off. Taehyun doesn’t even want to, wants to keep all of it for himself, wants to litter himself with marks that will remind him that this is real, that this is something that once belonged to him. 

Yeonjun touched him here, and here, and here, and it hasn’t ended yet, his hands still lingering on the small of Taehyun’s back. He lifts his chin and meets Taehyun’s eyes, heated, before he spins them around and switches their positions, bracing Taehyun up against the door, who gasps, startled, breath taken from him. Yeonjun smiles at that, a brief smirk forming at the side of his lips, which softens into a smile when their eyes meet again, gazes half-lidded. 

Yeonjun moves the hair from his face so they could look at each other clearly, and that boiling heat eases into a simmer, when he takes a step back and grabs both of Taehyun’s hands.

“Are you doing anything later?” Yeonjun starts, hints of nervousness peeking out of his facade, showing clearly on his face. Taehyun lets out the breath he didn’t realize he’d been holding, sagging back against the door and laughing to himself.

“You already know I’m not,” he answers, watching Yeonjun light up, sparkling. Taehyun pulls him closer, can’t stand him being even an inch away.

Yeonjun lets himself be moved, taking up all of Taehyun’s space happily, before giving it to him straight, “Go on a date with me?”

Taehyun takes those words and holds them to his chest, knows he’ll keep them there for a long time. He laughs to himself, because this is the Yeonjun he has always known, straightforward and determined once he’s decided on something, always reaching for what he wants, knowing he’ll get it in the end. Taehyun expected this, but expecting isn’t the same as experiencing the force of it, this reckoning, firsthand. Taehyun, for the first time, wants him to stumble a bit, to find his footing without knowing if he has a place to land, even if he knows that he’ll be there to catch him, eventually. Once he’s earned it. Once they’ve found a similar leg to stand on. 

So he raises an eyebrow and pretends it doesn’t affect him at all, even as his hands shake, “you don’t like to waste time, do you?”

Yeonjun locks their fingers together, steadies him, reminds him, “you know me. So what do you say?”

Taehyun lets the question hang, wants him to sweat a bit even if he’s already a sure thing. Yeonjun stays looking at him, bright and nervous and beautiful as ever, waiting patiently for an answer. Taehyun appreciates his tenacity even though he can see his eye trying not to twitch, decides to spare him any leftover stress on their break day, “I’ll have to put an outfit together, then, for our first date.”

It’s adorable how Yeonjun’s entire body lights up while also trying to fall over, relieved. He grabs Taehyun’s face, beaming, obviously trying not to jump around. “I already have an outfit ready for you, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Of course he does, because he’s just perfect like that. Taehyun suddenly zooms out of his Yeonjun blinders, sees that there are no more clothes on the floor of his room, and isn’t above acting offended even though he’s actually impressed. “One, presumptuous. Two, is it because of what you walked in on last night?”

Yeonjun grins at him like a kid, seeing right through him, “just hoping for the best. And nevermind that second part, I’m trying to forget all about it.”

He’s ridiculous, jealous type through and through. He seems to have this dating thing on lock, and Taehyun won’t think about it or he might transform into the jealous type and steal Yeonjun’s crown from the top. “Do you have everything else figured out too?”

“Don’t worry about it, honey,” Yeonjun smiles, letting go of his hands and flicking his chin, lingering for a few moments to just stay looking at him, before stepping away. “I’ll pick you up at 5,” he continues, holding Taehyun’s gaze until the very last second, until the door closes on him and Taehyun can breathe again.

He turns around and sees an outfit laid up on his bed, expecting something with a lot of skin but finding something really warm instead, hints of red all throughout because Yeonjun is cute. They’ll match, then, Taehyun’s jacket and Yeonjun’s hair, the rings on his hands and Yeonjun’s lips, walking around hand in hand, connected in every way like that.

At the center of it, Yeonjun has left a Hwangchoon plushie to hang on the belt loop of his pants. Figures he’d find a silly way to stake his claim. Taehyun collapses on the bed, heart beating out of his chest, tilting him over until he can no longer stand. He takes Hwangchoon in his hands and just looks at it, giddy like a little kid. He smiles, presses a kiss on its little face and clutches it to himself, still unable to believe everything that’s happened, and how much has changed.

Taehyun allows himself all this now, beaming into Hwangchoon’s big head, incandescent, where only he could see the magnitude of it. He closes his eyes, thinks back to 13 year old Taehyun and tells him, we did it . 

Both of them can hardly believe it, and he giggles to himself, because he knows that it’s real, and somehow he made it here, outfit ready beside him, and Yeonjun beyond that door, waiting to prove to him everything. It’s like debut all over again, the stakes as high and the climb as long, and Yeonjun beside him, always, holding his hand and telling him to hang on tight. 

It’s 4:59, and Taehyun knows Yeonjun has been outside his room for around five minutes already, can see his socks from under the door. He watches him dance in place for a few seconds, sliding around and fidgeting and jumping in place like a crazy person. Taehyun is amused listening to the thumps outside grow heavier and heavier. Yeonjun doesn’t even get stressed like this for concerts, has already infused the movements in his bones. It looks like even his cool hyung can get nervous, can have things that make his heart race and his hands shake like that. Taehyun just never thought it would be him.

5 o’clock on the dot and there’s a knock on the door. Taehyun opens it and is blinded by light. His eyes adjust and he’s blinded by beauty; his Yeonjun-hyung is standing there, the light from the living room pooled like a halo onto the back of his head, smiling at Taehyun like he loves him.

“Taehyun-ah,” he says, breathless. Taehyun takes a moment to take him in; white shirt under a black cardigan, black pants, beautiful smile. He blends in with the rest of Taehyun’s life. Yeonjun’s eyes catch the whole of him, the outfit he prepared, long-sleeved white shirt and red jacket, black pants and big glasses, red necklace laid up right next to his heart that pounds in his chest, recognizing who it beats for in front of him.

Yeonjun grins at Hwangchoon hanging from his belt loop and comes closer, fixes his collar for an excuse to touch.

“You ready?” 

Taehyun meets his eyes, answers, “you’re beautiful.”

“And you’re perfect,” Yeonjun deflects. There’s red on his ears now too. “Are we done stating the obvious?”

Taehyun smiles. His noona is lovely when he’s nervous, and so easy to tease. He takes his hand, thumbing at his hyung’s racing pulse. “I’m ready for you.”

Yeonjun pulls him in, closes Taehyun’s door behind them and carries him into the light of the living room. The members catch them on their way out, start cooing and making them pose for pictures like they’re going to prom. They smile for the flashes and the awws, Taehyun wrapping his arms around his hyung’s waist and settling his chin on his shoulder. 

Beomgyu asks for a kiss for the last photo. Taehyun can see Yeonjun about to say no like a respectful hyung, tells him to shut up and close his eyes. Yeonjun does immediately, obedient and good, so Taehyun presses a kiss to his cheek, smiling when he feels his hyung blush.

“What was that for?” Yeonjun asks amidst screams and thrown pillows.

“Fanservice,” Taehyun answers, laughing when the smile immediately drops from Yeonjun’s face.

They put on their shoes, ignoring the uninvited audience watching them from the kitchen, holding onto each other’s arms like parents seeing their kids grow up. They do the customary pat down to make sure they have all they need; keys, phone, wallet, Hwangchoon. 

“Sure you’re not forgetting something?”

Taehyun couldn’t have asked for a more perfect opening. “Now that you mention it—”

He pulls Yeonjun in by the belt loop, watches him blush bright red at being handled like that, shocked. Taehyun leans in, eyes half-lidded, comes close enough to be kissed and stays there, taking the moment Yeonjun blinks down at him and keeps blushing, eyes fluttering closed in anticipation, before clasping Dagonyang on his belt loop and stepping away, holding back a grin.

“I’m all set,” he says, grin breaking out as Yeonjun comes back to himself, clutching his chest and glaring.

“What was that for?”

“You’re mine, too,” Taehyun says, looking Yeonjun in the eye so he knows he means it. “I want everyone to know that.”

“You’re mean, Taehyun-ah,” Yeonjun breathes, grabbing Taehyun’s hand to keep himself on his feet. Taehyun turns their hands around, places a kiss on the back of Yeonjun’s as an apology for teasing him so much.

“I learned from the best,” he replies, and Yeonjun intertwines their fingers, refusing to let him let go. “Lead the way, noona.”

Yeonjun squeezes his fingers, hanging on tight, and does just that.

“I know we can’t really go to the beach, but being by the water always reminds me of you.”

He takes them to the river, lays down a picnic blanket, pulls out a guitar case from out of nowhere, and starts bringing out food Taehyun didn’t see him prepare.

Yeonjun smiles at him, sheepish, seeing the many questions in his eyes. “I didn’t have time to cook all of it but I got all your favorites,” he says, feeding Taehyun a bite of kimchi jjigae. Taehyun blinks, recognizing this flavor profile.

“Why does this taste familiar?” 

Yeonjun blushes, scratching his cheek and sipping on a bit of soup, embarrassed.

“I may have… called your mother?”

“You called my mom?” This is terrible. Taehyun’s eomma knows things.

“She was thrilled, by the way. Said you’ve had a crush on me for ages.” And there it is.

Taehyun moans, hides his face in his hands. The worst part is he can’t even deny it. Yeonjun pats his hands away, feeds him one more bite. At least all that humiliation gave him this in the end. 

They finish the soup, Yeonjun feeds him a strawberry and a choco cornet to make up for it. Taehyun pinches his nose, his face goes from smug to sputtering in a second. There’s his idiot hyung. For a moment he was being too romantic and cool for Taehyun to take or accept. Yeonjun glares at him and wipes some chocolate off the side of his lips, licks it off his thumb and smiles because he knows that move worked, Taehyun’s face growing hot. Taehyun shoves a strawberry between his lips in retaliation, and Yeonjun stares at him directly in the eye as he takes a bite, tongue darting out to lick the juice off his lips. Taehyun stares back, trying to stay strong as Yeonjun’s eyes practically beg for him to be kissed.

Yeonjun finishes his strawberry, and Taehyun falls back against the blanket, not having given in but still a complete loser at the end of it all. Yeonjun laughs beside him, shy and knowing he’s winning.

“What do people even do on dates?” Taehyun asks when he catches his breath, and Yeonjun tilts his head at him as if confused.

“You’ve never been on one?” Taehyun just looks at him like he’s an idiot, because who has Taehyun been in love with for all this time now? How would he even have the space in his heart to go on dates with other people?

Yeonjun still looks confused about this somehow, “but weren’t you with all those people..?”

“Fucking doesn’t really count as a date,” Taehyun answers, too honest, and Yeonjun slaps at his mouth, startled at the language and also because he doesn’t really want to hear about any of it, pouting.

“Please spare me the details,” Yeonjun says, removing his hand from Taehyun’s mouth to squeeze at his cheeks like a fish. Taehyun nods, opens his mouth to bite at Yeonjun’s hand, who sees through his plan and dodges, an expert at dealing with bratty dongsaengs.

Taehyun bats his hand away, and in the process feels a cut on Yeonjun’s finger, fresh and still a bit red. Taehyun feels his heart grow softer than what should be possible, seeing the proof of all this effort marked onto him like that. 

“All I’m saying is this is my first time doing this, so you should show me how it’s done like a good hyung,” Taehyun says, and Yeonjun rolls his eyes, but answers anyway.

“People usually get to know each other on these things.”

“I already know you. I barely remember my life before you,” Taehyun says, confused about this game. Yeonjun is acting overwhelmed about his words like he didn’t already know this.

“Doesn’t mean I know everything about you, or you about me. But I want to.” Of course Taehyun feels the same, wants to know all of him and then some. 

“Let’s do TMIs then? But just ask me everything you want to know,” Taehyun suggests, and Yeonjun smiles at that, up to the task.

“Alright, I’ll start. When did you know you liked me?” 

Taehyun rolls his eyes, “Easy question. Since the beginning. When did you realize you loved me?”

“At the noraebang.” Interesting. Taehyun doesn’t know what it was about him being drunk and singing Shinee that could possibly spark a revelation, but intends to find out.

“What… was it about it that made you fall for me?”

Yeonjun doesn’t mind him breaking the rules for a bit, indulging him, “you were just… being you. I didn’t realize how much I would miss you until I didn’t have you beside me. And then, after so long, I was allowed to see you just being so yourself that everything just… sank in. Like something I’ve always known. But it also struck me like something so new that it felt electric, like lightning.” Taehyun can feel his heart beating all the way up to his toes, so Yeonjun smiles and decides to ruin the moment with this next question. 

“Was Beomgyu your first kiss?”

“Yes.”

Yeonjun clutches at his chest, falling back and moaning like he’s been shot.

Taehyun rolls his eyes again, trying not to show his fondness as if it weren’t radiating out of his pores, “stop being an idiot. Who was your first kiss?”

Yeonjun laughs himself sideways, perching his cheek on his hand, cringing at the memory. “Soobin,” Taehyun just nods, because it makes sense, so Yeonjun keeps going, hiding his face like it would block the memory from coming back to him, painful. “It was terrible. Tongues everywhere. How was your first time?”

Taehyun’s surprised by the question, knowing how Yeonjun is. “Do you really want to hear about this?”

“Maybe not too many details, but..” Yeonjun pauses, breathing in like he’s bracing himself. “I was worried. And jealous, but I didn’t know that yet.”

“Alright,” Taehyun says, taking Yeonjun’s hand like that would soften the next few blows. “To answer your question, terrible. But mostly because it didn’t mean anything. The next ones were fine, too. Nothing too special.”

Yeonjun’s brows crease, not knowing how to feel about that answer, if he should be sad or worried or jealous or all of it. “But they took care of you?”

Taehyun tilts his head at him, weighing the cons of answering honestly. “Can I say something that might be too much?”

“Hit me.” Yeonjun actually closes his eyes, bracing himself. Taehyun rolls his eyes and just says it, since Yeonjun’s already steeled himself for impact.

“I was never the giver,” Taehyun says, not very shy about it. Yeonjun twitches like he’s been shot and is trying not to make it too obvious. Taehyun holds back a laugh, lands the finishing blow. “They always just wanted me to take it.”

Yeonjun breathes in and out, gathering himself, and pretending he’s not flustered by the way Taehyun’s talking. “I find that hard to believe, with all those muscles and your… being you,” he says, like that makes any sense. 

Taehyun decides to give him more material to make him fully understand, and also stress him out a little bit more, as payback, “they always just told me that they wanted me to look up at them with my big eyes as they fuc—”

“Okay, too much!” Yeonjun says, tapping out, and then gasps, realizing Taehyun’s meaning. “That’s perverted! Let’s change the subject,” he continues, trying to gain control of the situation and also his pulse. “Give me another TMI.”

“I’ve never given a blowjob either,” Taehyun offers, enjoying this too much. “We always had to sing the next day and I never wanted to risk it.”

It’s a knockout. 

“Stop stop stop!!!” Yeonjun moans, utterly defeated. Now he has many images in his head. Taehyun wants to laugh at how obviously he’s trying not to think about it.

“Stop thinking about it if it makes you upset.”

“I can’t help it! You put the image in my head!”

He’s such a baby. Taehyun wants to not be so fond of him, has never really learned how to have a handle on that. “You know, for someone who thrusts his hips so much on stage you sure get shy talking about it. Who was your first time?”

Yeonjun starts giggling helplessly, tugging at their joint hands like that would help him any. “Also Soobin, on the very same night. Also terrible! Neither of us knew what we were doing. But it was still special because we meant something to each other.”

“Maybe I should have asked Soobin-hyung to take my virginity, too,” Taehyun replies, actually mournful about it. “Then he could say he’s fucked all of his band members.”

“Like a real leader,” the giggles won’t stop, because he’s so embarrassed, and conflicted, like he doesn’t know if he should be jealous about this too. “Taehyun-ah!!! Let’s stop talking about other people before I start crying.”

“You started it. Just give me your next question.”

Yeonjun sobers up, obviously having something on his mind and just hesitating on saying it. Taehyun tugs at their hands, gives him the eyes until he gives in. “You don’t have to answer this but… did you want me to be the first?”

“The first person I fuck? The first dick I suck?”

Yeonjun doesn’t get flustered this time, just gets more sincere. “First kiss… first date… first everything.”

Taehyun looks down at their hands, the cut on Yeonjun’s finger, and decides to just be honest. “Of course I did.”

“Really?” Like that’s a surprise. Taehyun rolls his eyes.

“You’re my first love, hyung. Get with the program.” Yeonjun breathes out a laugh, like that’s the thing that makes him shy after all they’ve talked about. “So yes, I thought about it often.”

“Not all the time?” Yeonjun smiles, a soft tease. 

Taehyun keeps being honest about his thought process, “we were really busy, hyung.”

Yeonjun scrunches his nose at him, like he’s being particularly cute. “You’re right, you’re right. I’m sorry I didn’t make it happen.”

“I probably would have exploded if it did. So it’s better this way, because I want our careers to last a long time.” There’s that smile again, too tender for his own good.

“You’re cute, Taehyun-ah. Have I ever told you that?”

“You do. Often.”

Yeonjun just looks at him instead of replying, letting his gaze linger on places Taehyun has never seen him stray to before. By the time he arrives at Taehyun’s face, it’s already being covered by his hands. He can feel his ears grow red. 

“Why are you hiding from me?” Yeonjun laughs, pulling at his hands.

“Why are you looking at me like that?!” Taehyun replies from under his hiding place, before he stops resisting Yeonjun’s touch, never having learned how to stop being weak to him.

“Like what?” Like he’s not fully aware of what he’s doing with those eyes of his, and the way he looks, so handsome it’s actually painful. When he puts his mind to it, it’s like they’re always in a concept shoot for temptation with this guy, which is excessive, because he already knows he’s everything Taehyun’s ever wanted since the beginning of time. 

“Like you want to eat me!”

“There’s the answer.”

“Noona!” Taehyun doesn’t like how fast the tables have turned. Yeonjun just laughs, pulling Taehyun in until he’s nearly laying on his chest, elbow perched on the ground next to his side, hand cradling his face. Yeonjun places one hand under his head, and turns his face to look at him. The sun is making a home on the curve of his cheek, and yet Yeonjun looks at Taehyun like he’s the source of all this brightness. 

“You’re not just cute, Taehyun-ah. You know that.”

“I didn’t think you knew that.”

“I’ve always known,” Yeonjun admits, and it hits Taehyun like another confession; he hasn’t been alone in this the entire time. “I’ve always thought so.”

“You think I’m handsome?”

“I think you’re sexy,” he understands how Yeonjun must have felt now, the shock of the words hitting him like a gong. Yeonjun laughs a bit, his smile crooked and sweet, and continues, “and charming. And cute, like a kitten. And handsome, most of all. When you look at me the way you do I don’t feel like I deserve it. Or that I’ve earned it at all.”

“You didn’t need to earn it,” Taehyun whispers back, thinking about how devotion was the first thing he ever learned when he came here, how it fell out of his hands and into his hyung’s arms, in that BigHit training room where Yeonjun pointed to his name on the board and spelled out for Taehyun what his future holds. “You have it.”

“No, I’ll earn it, Taehyun-ah,” Yeonjun says, rolling them over until Taehyun’s on his back, his hand cradling the back of Taehyun’s head. Yeonjun leans over him like that, light pooling over his back and falling gently across everything else, like he’s become the light Taehyun’s world revolves around. “I’ll work hard, like I told you I would.”

“Alright,” Taehyun says, touching his face to prove that he’s actually a person, and not the sun itself taking up all of Taehyun’s space. “I’ll look forward to your efforts, then.”

Yeonjun smiles at that and eases up, allowing Taehyun the space to breathe again. He looks around and sits up, offering Taehyun his hand and not letting him be left too far behind, pulling him closer when he takes it.

“Okay, the sun’s setting. I think we have time for one last question.” Taehyun smiles at that, looks around and finds his question, leaning unassumingly up against a tree a few feet away.

“What’s with the guitar?” 

Yeonjun grins, and stands up. He grabs it and takes it out of his case, lays it on Taehyun’s lap and sits across from him, expectant.

“You’re learning from Huening, right? Play me a song?”

Taehyun places his hands where they should be, strumming to get the feeling back in his hands, pushing them to remember their places. “I only know one song. My favorite song.”

Yeonjun makes himself comfortable, watches and waits. Taehyun starts to play in earnest, and he can see the moment recognition reaches Yeonjun’s face, when he throws his head back and laughs, singing along to the words he knows so well.

I know it’s real, I can feel it, Taehyun sings, softer than he’s used to. The way Yeonjun looks is softer than he’s used to, languid on the picnic blanket, the sun setting on his skin, adding another layer of pink to the blush on his face.

In the moment before Taehyun reaches the bridge, Yeonjun stands up and starts dancing the way he does in the music video, silly and out of pocket and beautiful, eyes catching the sun. 

Taehyun watches him even when the light starts to hurt his eyes, deciding on a new memory to live in forever.

Say you love me, say you love me, ‘til the end of the world. All or nothing, I want all of you.

Yeonjun keeps dancing, keeps looking at Taehyun like he’s the center of everything. Nevermind the sun behind him. Nevermind the world turning under their feet. 

Say you love me, say you love me, ‘til the end of the world. All or nothing, I give all of you.

Yeonjun falls on his knees in front of him, hands clutching his face, the sun setting all around them. The sky is getting dark but Yeonjun’s eyes are luminous, never wavering. 

Taehyun has stopped playing, has forgotten what to do with his hands.

“I love you.” Yeonjun whispers, like the last lines to a song.

“Wrong lyric.” Taehyun manages, heart swelled to bursting, ready to break open and say the words back.

Yeonjun just laughs, clutching his chest and falling over at his feet like Taehyun shot him right in the heart.

“Got me.” 

Taehyun looks up, and the moon is in the sky. It’s in the shape of Yeonjun’s smile.

They stumble across a photo booth on their way to the bus stop. Yeonjun pulls him inside without a moment’s notice, the most sentimental man alive. Taehyun doesn’t fight it, isn’t that far behind in sentimentality though he tries not to be as obvious about it, and the space in the booth is so small that Yeonjun has to sit in his lap, blushing like he didn’t know this going in. 

Taehyun wraps his arms around his waist, making himself comfortable as Yeonjun smushes their cheeks together. He scrunches his nose just in time for the flash to blind them for the first time, opens his eyes and sees stars the moment he feels Yeonjun’s lips on his cheek, and not just because of the blinding lights. He fulfills one of his most common urges and bites at Yeonjun’s cute ear, smiling at his scream-laugh and how he throws his hands up like he’s scared of being eaten, even though he would probably like that. 

In the moment before the last flash, they look at each other for what feels like a lifetime but can only be a few seconds. There’s that magnetism between them that’s effortless, pulling them towards each other like an invisible force, impossible to move away from. In the moment before their lips touch, Taehyun unclasps Hwangchoon from his belt and puts him right in the middle of it, their lips landing on either side of his cheek.

Once the flash is gone, Yeonjun opens his eyes and giggles at having kissed his son’s big head, a good sport about it all. They wait for the photos to develop, Yeonjun leaning in close to Taehyun when he goes to put Hwangchoon back on his hip, nosing at his cheek and smiling. They stay close together until the photos are ready, and they split the strip into two when it comes out, Yeonjun putting his on the back of his phone and Taehyun placing his half in his wallet, Yeonjun’s beautiful smile where he can always see it. 

He looks like he belongs there, with all Taehyun’s identification and everything he can’t lose, this love now a fact of him, like his name and the day he was born. Taehyun smiles at the thought, that loving Yeonjun has been determined since the moment came into this world, a given he has always known. That if he ever lost his wallet, they’ll open it to look for the name of the owner and find this alongside his identity, and there would be no question of who it belongs to, and what they are to each other. 

Taehyun places his wallet in the inside pocket of his jacket and lets himself linger at the thought, even though he knows no one else outside of them can know.

If Taehyun can’t tell the world, then he’ll keep the proof of it close to his chest, where he can always touch it. 

They pull themselves out of the booth, and Yeonjun thumbs at the back of his phone absentmindedly as they walk, like it’s holding inside it something precious, and it is.

They catch an empty bus on the way home, go to sit at the back corner and smile at each other, radiant even from under their masks. Yeonjun has put a hat on to hide the red of his hair, trying not to be too obvious about who they are. They share airpods on opposite ears so Yeonjun can still lean on Taehyun’s shoulder, and so they can still hear each other speak if they put their heads together closely.

Taehyun adjusts the hat on Yeonjun’s head so a bit of red can poke out, missing it. Yeonjun sticks his tongue out at him and returns to his spot, poking at his phone and changing the wallpaper to a photo of Taehyun, glasses askew and guitar on his lap, sun caught golden on his hair like a crown.

“Will you post those?” 

Yeonjun shakes his head, cheek rubbing against Taehyun’s shoulder. “There are some things I want to be just mine.”

Taehyun realizes he doesn’t have a picture of them together, and the bus is still empty, so he pulls down their masks to take a few selfies and picks the one where Yeonjun’s smile is the most precious, setting it as his wallpaper and changing the song, hoping Yeonjun can understand what he means because he’s not yet ready to say any of it out loud.

Something told me it was you, Taehyun sings along quietly, angling the guitar in front of them to hide their faces. He takes Yeonjun’s hat off and puts it on himself so he can turn his head and breathe in the smell of Yeonjun’s hair, freshly washed with the same shampoo they’ve been using for years, thinking about all the ways he’s been lucky in this life. 

Yeonjun hums along to the same song, hanging on to the edges of sleep, so Taehyun closes his eyes, meets him where he is.

Yeonjun wakes him up at their stop, piggybacks him all the way back to the dorm despite his protests, and insists on walking him to his bedroom door even after they’ve taken off their shoes. 

He keeps walking until Taehyun is caged against his bedroom door, Yeonjun standing so close that they’re breathing the same air, fiddling with Hwangchoon for a reason to not have to go yet. He catches Taehyun looking at him, amused at what he’s obviously doing, and laughs, not ashamed about it at all.

“Is it bad that I want to linger until the very end?” he pouts, and Taehyun melts against the door further, pulling at Yeonjun’s shirt so he follows.

“Clingy,” he says as opposed to his actions. 

Yeonjun tries a different approach, fails at that too. 

“I just want to make sure you’re safe.”

“In my own room?” 

Yeonjun is running out of excuses to stay, but never to be jealous. “I know Beomgyu’s behind that door, so you can’t blame me.”

Taehyun tries not to smile at that and fails, judging from how he’s pulled a smile from Yeonjun too, never too far behind in joy. He bumps at Yeonjun’s chin with his hand, tracing his smile line, before trailing his hand down to Yeonjun’s chest and pushing him back softly, weak until the end.

“Silly. Don’t wait up for me.”

Yeonjun grabs at his wrist, lingers down to his hand and traces his knuckles, unwilling to let go until he has to. “Is it bad that I don’t want the night to end just yet?”

Taehyun lets go of his hand, brushes the hair from Yeonjun’s eyes when his face falls. “Don’t worry too much, hyung. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be here tomorrow. None of this will disappear just because you can’t see me.”

“Alright,” Yeonjun says back just as softly, before stepping back, eyes still fragile. Taehyun doesn’t want to let him go like this, unsure of where to stand.

“If I promise you a second date, will that ease your mind?” 

“Only if you’re promising because you want that, too.”

Taehyun almost laughs, because was there ever any doubt? “Of course I do.”

Yeonjun catches his tone, doesn’t lose his sincerity despite being laughed at. “I’d never want to assume with you.”

Taehyun comes to him this time, wants to give him permission to be less afraid. “Feel free to. You know how I’ve felt all this time. That doesn’t go away just because I haven’t said it out loud.”

And there’s that smile, small and reassured, giddy and not trying to hide it. “Okay, Taehyun-ah. I’ll see you then.”

He’s about to turn away and Taehyun can’t take it, missing him already despite all his protests. So he stops him, tugs at his wrist, feeling Yeonjun’s pulse race at the touch of their skin. He eases his grip, trails his other hand up until he reaches Yeonjun’s ear, warm and red and as cute as he’s always found it, lets his fingers linger further until it reaches Yeonjun’s cheek, the side of his lips, his chin. 

Yeonjun is holding his breath, frozen. His pulse is racing, pounding against Taehyun’s thumb like a gong. Taehyun laughs, weightless, walking on air and possessed by something that can only be love, the flutter of his heartbeat making him fly, before covering Yeonjun’s lips with his hand and kissing the back of it. 

Yeonjun’s eyes flutter closed, leaning forward like he can’t help himself, heart jumping from his chest to drag him to where Taehyun is. Taehyun laughs again, high on his recklessness, unable to bring himself to regret even a single second. He pushes Yeonjun back with a finger to his chest, squeezing at his hand before turning away, his own heart pounding.

“Bye, hyung,” he says, throwing a smile over his shoulder and seeing the daze fully taken Yeonjun over. Yeonjun blinks at him and manages a wave, before Taehyun closes the door behind him and immediately sags against it, amazed he made it this far alive. If he were a balloon he would be flying across the room right now, losing air by the second.

“This is adorable,” Beomgyu observes from where he’s lounged on the bed, and really condescending like he doesn’t have a hickey really high on his neck right now.

“You have a hickey really high on your neck right now,” Taehyun points out. 

“Well you have a really stupid smile on your face right now,” Beomgyu says, then frowns, not being able to be mean in the face of that much happiness. “It’s actually really cute and I’m really happy for you.”

He leaves the bed and crawls over to the floor where Taehyun’s laying, and they sit in the silence for a bit, in awe at how different things have become since they were last in this room, when everything still felt hopeless and impossible. 

Right now that feels like a completely different life.

Taehyun looks at him, at the smile mirrored on his face that won’t go away no matter what, his lips raw and red, having clearly been kissed within an inch of his life and then some.

“You’re being wooed,” Taehyun observes, happy for him too.

“You’re being wooed!” Beomgyu echoes at a higher volume, effervescent. Then pauses, immediately starting to pout. “It looks like our marriage is doomed.”

“Don’t be too happy about it.”

Beomgyu turns his head to look at him, raising an eyebrow. “About what? The abolishment of our future loveless marriage?”

“Hey, don’t call it that,” Taehyun tries to frown, offended, but it seems like his smile doesn’t want to leave his face despite his current feelings. “I love you plenty.”

“And I love you so much too,” Beomgyu responds, happy enough to be loved that he doesn’t argue. Then, he reaches out to squeeze Taehyun’s cheeks together, still lifted by the smile he can’t put away no matter what. “But I could never make you as happy as you are now.”

Still blatantly untrue. “False. No one makes me laugh like you.”

“Not even Yeonjun-hyung?” Those two, always competitive no matter what. Taehyun just decides to be honest, not caring for the outcome in whatever they’ve got going on.

“He doesn’t count because I’m in love with him. My judgement is clouded.”

Somehow that makes Beomgyu happier than he already was going in. “Can I tell him you said this?”

“Stop trying to win.”

Beomgyu shoots up, outraged and defending himself. “He already won! He stole my husband!”

“Fiance,” Taehyun corrects, and Beomgyu squeezes his cheeks together again for being a know-it-all.

“Same thing!”

“Well,” Taehyun can be unreasonable too, speaking like a fish because Beomgyu still isn’t letting go. “My fiance was stolen by two people! How do you think that makes me feel?”

Beomgyu tries not to smile at that and fails, smoke from his ears clearing, and tries to offer some sort of reassurance by way of lying. “At least it was a group effort. Trust me I fought it every step of the way.”

“No, you didn’t.”

“Yeah, I didn’t really.”

“See,” Taehyun says, cheeks finally free from Beomgyu’s pincers. “This marriage meant shit to us both.”

“Excuse you! It meant the world to me,” Beomgyu sulks, crossing his arms. He looks even more like a teddy bear when he pouts like that. Taehyun only likes to tease him so much because it’s when he gets the most lovely. “And it meant a sure chance at happiness, because I had you.” And still so romantic, even at the end of it all.

“You mean a partner in misery?” Taehyun corrects, and Beomgyu tries to squeeze at his face again for being cheeky but Taehyun has already intercepted his hands, acclimated to his moves. He soothes them from their violent intent, holding on to them like one would while exchanging wedding vows. “We were already going to spend our lives together no matter what.”

“I know that. But having you still would have meant a lot to me.” Beomgyu is easy to win back, intertwining their fingers together like he’s forgotten his anger.

“I know,” Taehyun smiles, leaning in to the sincerity, figuring he might as well give it his all. “I was mostly joking. You mean the world to me too, even though we’re breaking up right now.”

“I love you, Taehyun-ah,” he declares, and it really feels like a wedding somehow, as they end their commiseration and enter into a happier ending than they could ever have accounted for. “And as your ex-fiance, I can say that it was an honor to have been yours, even in a contractually-obligated set-up.”

“I love you too, you stupid hyung,” Taehyun responds, to the start of Beomgyu’s frown. “As your ex-fiance I can say that Soobin-hyung and Hueningie are the luckiest people in the world. If anyone deserves to be loved twice as much, it’s you. Are you crying?”

He is. Like a baby, even. “Yah,” he sniffs, determined to not let go of Taehyun’s hands despite the runny nose. Taehyun laughs at him, releasing a hand to wipe at his eyes that are crying harder than what the situation deserves. “I thought we were gonna joke our way out of this. Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because you’re the most wonderful ex-fiance I could have ever had.” And he really is. He’s also the only person who would even go along with a hare-brained idea like this, and take it so far that they stumbled into success somehow, to both of their surprise.

“And hopefully your only one. Promise me?” Beomgyu raises a pinky.

What a thing to swear by. Taehyun locks it in, and they both seal it with a kiss, grinning.

Beomgyu pulls him back in by the hand the second they let go, leaning in close. “One last kiss for the road?”

Yeonjun bursts through the door, panting like he’s run a marathon. Taehyun can almost see the smoke coming out of his ears. Beomgyu smiles at him, beatific, before breaking into a run. Figures. Until the very end of their engagement, Beomgyu would still make Taehyun laugh more than anyone in the world. 

Yeonjun doesn’t chase him, stays right where he should be. Speaking of—

“Were you waiting outside?” Eavesdropping, is what he means. Yeonjun smiles at him, sheepish, before pulling him to his feet and leading him to the bed. The second Taehyun sinks down on it, the day starts to sink in on him too, and he yawns, more tired than he was expecting. 

“I told you not to wait up for me,” he scolds, not minding it as much as worrying about Yeonjun’s sleep, knowing he has an early schedule tomorrow.

“I just wanted to say goodnight,” Yeonjun admits, clingy and not even trying to hide it. He’s already washed up, out of his date clothes and into a tank top and basketball shorts, looking like a figment of Taehyun’s greatest desires, soft and weary at the end of a long day like that. Taehyun feels too tired to stand, and wants to be unreasonable for just a night, to cling on to the version of his skin that just went on a date with the love of his life, like how people don’t want to wash their hands after dipping them into holy water. He’s mostly just coming up with reasons not to leave this moment, still reeling from a day where everything he ever wanted just fell into his lap in one fell swoop, and too weak with Yeonjun’s eyes pinning him to place like that.

Like he can read his mind, Yeonjun sits next to him and eases him into his pillows, pulls out a packet of face wipes because somehow he already knows where everything is, and starts to wipe Taehyun’s face free from makeup, careful and sweet.

“Did you miss me already?” Taehyun tries to tease, letting Yeonjun move him around as he needs, tilting his head from side to side to ensure there’s no product left anywhere on his cheeks. 

He should have known Yeonjun would answer honestly. “The moment you were gone.”

Taehyun grins at that, unable to help it, feeling the same but not wanting to say it. Yeonjun looks at him like he knows and is letting him off easy. Taehyun feels boneless, as Yeonjun keeps taking care of him, and loved, because how could he not, when Yeonjun is touching him so softly.

When Yeonjun goes to pull away, about to stand up, Taehyun suddenly feels a pang in his chest like he already misses him when he hasn’t even left, and can’t help but grab on to his shirt to hold him back like a little kid. And he feels himself wavering at seeing his beautiful, confused face, wanting to just give in for once. 

“Stay with me?” Yeonjun's eyes grow softer than what should be possible, gently taking Taehyun’s hand off his shirt and kneeling down to give a kiss to the back of it. He shakes his head, a gentle refusal. 

It makes sense that Yeonjun would say no, too respectful, too romantic, who knows Taehyun too well to let him stray from his own promises to himself. 

“I want to,” he confesses, placing Taehyun’s hand against his cheek and nuzzling against it. “But if I do, I might not want to leave in the morning, and then my schedule will be all out of sorts. Do you want to disappoint our MOAs like that?”

“Pulling the MOA card,” Taehyun sighs, pinching Yeonjun’s cheek as he giggles. “Real nice.”

“You’re cute, Taehyun-ah,” Yeonjun says, easing Taehyun’s grip into something sweeter, and laying a kiss on his palm to make up for having to go. “It’s just for tonight. We’ll have time for the rest of it. We can go slow.”

“Okay, hyung,” Taehyun agrees, before starting to take off his clothes, decided on just sleeping in his underwear. “You can fuck me tomorrow.”

Yeonjun gasps, covering Taehyun’s mouth with his hands. “Taehyun-ah!”

He’s mostly joking, but if Yeonjun were to act any cuter then tonight could have more firsts in store for them and then some. Taehyun just laughs and pushes at Yeonjun’s face, telling him to go before Taehyun gets carried away.

“Kidding,” Taehyun adds belatedly, and not very convincingly at that. Yeonjun is hiding his blushing face under both of their hands, and he looks really cute but it’s getting late, and Taehyun wants him to be rested more than he wants to keep messing with him. 

He’ll miss him, though. He can admit such embarrassing things in the confines of his head without having to subject it to Yeonjun, who would take it as a sign to never leave again, impeding all their schedules and breaking every stipulation in their shared contract as well as all of their fans’ hearts. He can’t let that happen, so he has to be the bigger person and say goodnight once and for all.

This is counterproductive, he tells himself, before pulling Yeonjun close to give him a hug, face tucked into his neck. He smells of their soap and their home and the rest of Taehyun’s life, if he’s lucky. “I’ll see you in the morning, noona. Say bye to me before you go?”

“I’ll do anything you want,” Yeonjun swears, smiling. Taehyun can feel how his cheek rises with it. “I want to see you first thing, too. Goodnight, darling.”

Then he pulls away, presses a kiss onto Taehyun’s forehead and leaves, turning the light off and shutting the door softly behind him. 

Taehyun closes his eyes, and has sweeter dreams than usual.

Around three hours later, someone that can only be Yeonjun sneaks into Taehyun’s room, pressing a kiss to his cheek soft enough to feel like the remainders of a dream, whispering good morning, I’m going, I’ll see you later, and I love you, in that order. Taehyun is still half-asleep, unsure if this is still a dream he hasn’t woken up from, touches Yeonjun’s cheek softly before feeling his eyes fall shut again, lulled by the feeling of a fingers in his hair, gentle and sweet and fleeting, before leaving. 

He wakes up in earnest at hearing the door closing, and Yeonjun going. He lingers for a few moments in the warmth of his bed, before getting to his feet and washing up, cold water like a shock to the system, but still not strong enough to wash away the warmth of Yeonjun’s touch.

He gets out of the shower, dries his hair and throws on the first outfit he sees, white button-down and black pants, putting the glasses back on to hide the puffiness of his eyes. He goes to the kitchen, makes some rice, roots around in the fridge for the leftover food from their date and heats it, knowing Yeonjun won’t have anything to eat except the bland cafeteria food in the building. While waiting for the rice to cook, he slices some fruits and looks for their food containers, finding a pink bag along the way and deeming it perfect for the gesture. 

Once everything’s ready, he calls the protocol team for a car and lets them know of his plan, smiling at their enthusiastic response.

Once he arrives, he beelines to Yeonjun’s dressing room with the food in his hands, unable to resist for even a second longer. He walks through the open door, and Yeonjun turns around to see who it is before his mouth drops, rubbing at his eyes like this could all be just a dream. Taehyun laughs at him, and that breaks the spell, weariness slipping off his shoulders. The lack of sleep is worth Yeonjun’s surprise. The look in his eyes when Taehyun walked in with the food is something he will cherish for a long time.

He walks up to Yeonjun and hands him the pink bag. Yeonjun takes it in his hands and brushes his fingers along the inside of Taehyun’s wrist, thankful. That brief touch is enough to restart his heart, waking him up for a second time. Taehyun wants to come closer but he’s already been made up, the perfect idol, so he makes himself comfortable on the couch and saves his kisses for later. 

Yeonjun clutches the bag to himself like it’s made of gold, looks inside to see the food from their date warmed up for him, and pouts at Taehyun like it’s his fault that they can’t do anything about it. Taehyun laughs at him again, blows him a kiss because that’s harmless. Yeonjun turns his cheek to catch it, touching it with his hand and smiling to himself. 

His name is called to record, and Yeonjun wordlessly pleads for him to come like Taehyun didn’t plan on following him wherever he goes. He stands by the foot of the stage so he can look up at Yeonjun shining brighter than the rest of the world, doing what he was born to do. He cheers and screams and claps with all his might, thinking that this is what life is all about, loving someone and being loud about it. 

Afterwards, Yeonjun asks him to go up the stage to greet everyone, and because he’s helpless about him he goes, puffy eyes and bare face and all. He makes it there, and Yeonjun tugs him into a hug in a second, hand on the back of his head, caressing the hair on his nape before letting go. Taehyun keeps holding him for a moment more, hand on the small of his back, breathing him in before stepping away from their space and facing the world at large, smiling and waving amidst the blinding lights.

They make it back to the green room, and Yeonjun goes to monitor his performance as Taehyun rests his eyes, already knowing it’s perfect. The next thing he knows he’s fast asleep, and he’s opening his eyes to Yeonjun sitting on the floor beside him, looking at him dearly, beautiful and tired, his makeup nearly sweated off. Yeonjun touches his face, lingering on the bags under his eyes, brows furrowed. Taehyun turns his cheek to give a kiss to his fingers, uncaring of who sees. 

“You should go home and rest, Taehyun-ah. I’ll still be a while.”

“It’s alright. I’ll wait for you so we can sleep together,” Taehyun pushes at Yeonjun’s face when he looks like he’s about to giggle. “Don’t be a pervert, you know what I meant.”

“Okay, if you’re sure. Help me finish this, then?” Yeonjun starts taking out the food Taehyun brought him, and it’s sweet how he still offers when Taehyun already knows how much he can eat. 

Taehyun shakes his head and leaves him be, but Yeonjun insists. Taehyun tells him he’s too sleepy to chew, Yeonjun offers to chew it and feed it to him like a baby bird, to which he makes a face that in turn makes Yeonjun laugh, saying he’s not a real lover, all the while eating the food Taehyun lovingly prepared for him.

The protocol team waits for him to finish his food before calling for him again, and he drags his feet as Taehyun bats him away, winking before he leaves for the stage. Taehyun rests enough in the green room while he’s gone, and by the time Yeonjun’s done he’s the one exhausted, slumping into Taehyun’s neck and groaning.

Taehyun lets him rest for a bit but jostles him before he falls asleep, knowing it’s better for him to rest when they’re at home. He sees how tired Yeonjun is from dancing and being on all day, and so maneuvers him into a piggyback on their way to the car, smiling when he feels a kiss to the nape of his neck.

The car door is open and waiting for them so Taehyun carries Yeonjun to his seat, sitting beside him and letting Yeonjun take up residence on his shoulder once again, placing the airpod Yeonjun offers on his opposite ear. Yeonjun suggests they go to a barbecue, and Taehyun agrees because he can feel that Yeonjun needs to decompress by eating a lot and taking care of someone at the same time, which can be done by having unlimited meat and having him cook and cut some beef for him. 

They get to the barbecue, sit at the back corner so no one can see them. Yeonjun orders for them, gets two beers and so much meat they’ll probably feel sick on the way home. Yeonjun cooks for them when the meat arrives, winking and blowing Taehyun kisses at appropriate times. Taehyun just watches him, insistent on being caring even when so tired, hair still hard from the hairspray and bits of makeup still sticking to his face, and wonders how he got so lucky in this life. 

He lets his mind wander at the thought, trying to imagine 13 year old Taehyun choosing a different company, or debuting with other people, and comes up blank, mind unwilling to conjure images of a life outside of this one, where everything has fallen into place both slower and faster than he can understand. He looks at Yeonjun, wonders if he feels the same way.

“Noona,” he starts, and Yeonjun hums, turning the meat around and letting it sear for a bit, before looking up at Taehyun with his beautiful eyes, granting him all his focus. “Do you ever think about past lives? Or alternate realities?”

Yeonjun doesn’t blink at the random question, answers as honestly as he can. “Hm, maybe sometimes, but not too much about the big things. I’m too happy where I am now.”

“So small things like.. Maybe in another world Hobak has four socks instead of just three, or maybe somewhere out there there’s a Soobin-hyung without dimples. Maybe in another dimension we’re taller and buffer. Stuff like that?”

“I’m sure you’d love that.”

“Hyung.” Yeonjun smiles at that, and Taehyun scrunches his nose at him, telling him to be serious.

“Cutie. Maybe we’re small and not really worth the mention.”

“Maybe me. But you’ll be a star wherever you go, hyung. That’s why I brought it up so suddenly,” Taehyun says, looking at his hyung and unable to imagine him any other way. Yeonjun blinks at him cutely, and that’s a part of it too. “I was thinking about it, after watching you the whole day, and I can’t imagine a world where you’re not exactly as you are, brighter than the rest of the world.”

Yeonjun looks down, smiling and unable to accept the compliment. “Never brighter than you, Kang Taehyun-ssi, the sun in my life and center of my world,” he says, pausing to chew some meat to check its doneness, and then thinking about the question further, placing food on Taehyun’s plate after he seems satisfied by the taste. “To be honest, I don’t really care as long as you’re there with me. But I don’t have any doubts about that, so I’m not afraid.”

That’s something he’s excels at, too, being himself and making Taehyun’s heart race even faster.

“You’re good at that,” Taehyun says, defeated and eating his food.

“At what?”

“At making me fall for you even more.” 

Yeonjun blushes at that, tucking his hair behind an ear, shy and pleased at the same time. He looks like he wants to ask something, and Taehyun chews at him, telling him to spit it out. 

“Is being with me… what you thought it would be?”

“Yes, just like it. But a lot more stressful,” Taehyun admits, absentmindedly touching his chest where his heart pounds. The words make Yeonjun laugh, which makes being honest about it somewhat worth it, before he reaches forward and feeds Taehyun some beef.

“Why is it stressful? You seem to know all my moves.”

“Because I can feel that you love me,” Taehyun answers. Yeonjun lets go of the tongs to grab his hand, blinking down at the meat to mask that he’s trying not to tear up, the big crybaby. “I expected all the moves but not this feeling.”

“You didn’t imagine it?”

“I had no basis for it. Don’t apologize.”

Yeonjun seems to take it as a challenge, looks him right in the eye as he says, “soon enough you’ll forget what everything else felt. You’ll just remember this feeling, that I love you, and it will never go away. You won’t ever forget. If you do, I give you permission to kill me.”

Taehyun snaps out of his in love haze, which might be the smoke from the grill getting to his head, and laughs in Yeonjun’s face.

“Hyung is silly,” he says, letting go of Yeonjun's hand to pat at his cheek. “Killing you would be too easy.”

“I’d be happy to die by your hands, Kang Taehyun-ssi,” he says, not even offended. Maybe the smoke is getting to him too, but he acts like this too much for Taehyun to tell. “As long as you look at me with your beautiful eyes before I step into the light.”

“Stop being stupid,” Taehyun says, reaching for the tongs to try and hide that he’s smiling, feeling his dimple show up against his will. 

“But I’m so stupid in love,” Yeonjun sings to him, smile big as he gestures for the bill.

They reach home, and Taehyun lets Yeonjun drag him to the bathroom so they can brush their teeth together, clingy as ever. Yeonjun makes silly faces at him in the mirror and Taehyun tries not to be too in love with him that he laughs, failing immediately. They spit out the toothpaste and wash out their mouths, showing each other their tongues as proof of proper hygiene. Yeonjun jokingly leans in, tongue first, closing his eyes. Taehyun shrieks and hits him with a towel. Taehyun takes his shirt off and jokingly pulls Yeonjun to the shower with him. Yeonjun blushes bright red and pushes him out, slamming the door closed in Taehyun’s face. 

“So you hate me?” Taehyun says to the door in front of him. 

“Stop trying to seduce me! I’ll meet you in your room when we’re done showering. Apart!” Yeonjun huffs at having to clarify, turning the water on so he doesn’t hear the rest of what Taehyun has to say. 

Taehyun catches himself giggling at a door and tells himself to get a grip, turning around to shower in a separate bathroom like his hyung told him to. 

He hears a knock on his door as he’s drying his hair, opens it to find Yeonjun leaning on the doorframe, trying to look cool if not for the red hair dye bleeding out of his scalp, staining his clothes. 

“Hi, cutie. You come here often?”

What a line. Taehyun holds back a smile, rolling his eyes and reeling Yeonjun in with the towel around his neck, drying his hair for him and playing along with this game. 

“No, but this really pretty guy told me to meet him here, so I was waiting for him.”

Yeonjun beams at that, pleased. “Oh really. What’s his name? Maybe I know him.”

“Choi Beomgyu,” Taehyun answers, and the smile drops from Yeonjun’s face so fast that Taehyun actually starts laughing, pulling him in by the towel around his neck and walking them backwards until they fall on the bed. 

Yeonjun crosses his arms as Taehyun ensures his head is dry, pouting fiercely and ignoring Taehyun when he goes to hang the towel and comes back. Yeonjun has scooted up the bed, sulking up a storm, and Taehyun doesn’t want to keep laughing at him but his hyung also won’t stop giving him reasons to. 

“I can’t believe you’re still jealous of Beomgyu,” Taehyun says, laying down next to him and leaning in close.

Yeonjun puffs up his cheeks, answering, “believe it, baby.”

“That’s just stupid, noona.”

“I’m fine with being stupid if it makes a handsome guy like you laugh like that,” he answers, immediately switching sides just to deliver a line, which Taehyun ignores, continuing with his tangent.

“It made me so confused, you know! And everyone was telling me too, but I didn’t think you were capable of feeling that way about me at all.” 

Yeonjun frowns at the idea that he’s not capable of anything, especially coming from Taehyun, who he thought believed in him so much. “Well, I’m multi-talented. I’m BigHit’s legendary trainee. I would be number 1 at jealousy too, if that would impress you.”

“You’re already number 1 at jealousy,” Taehyun says, and Yeonjun actually smiles at that like it’s a compliment, turning on his side to come even closer than he already is.

“Thank you. Now tell me again how I’m your only one so I can feel better.”

“I’m being serious!”

Yeonjun laughs at the pillow hitting him in the face and rolls over, caging him in with his elbows on either side of Taehyun’s chest. He’s so close, close enough that Taehyun can see the lash on his cheek, can smell the toothpaste they all share on his breath. They’re so close that Taehyun bets Yeonjun can feel the pounding of his heart, trying to break out of his chest. Yeonjun catches his eyes, keeps them there.

“So am I! I didn’t understand, you know. Why seeing you with them hurt me so much. It’s easy to say jealousy. But jealousy didn’t feel like a big enough word. It was more like… I couldn’t stomach the thought that there would be this part of your life that I would be an outsider to.” 

He looks down, fiddles with the neck of Taehyun’s shirt just for something to do with his hands. Taehyun catches him, locks their fingers together, begs him to find his eyes again. Yeonjun does, staying there for a few moments, like in Taehyun’s eyes he will find the words to say, and the courage to keep talking. “We’ve known each other for such a long time. It’s been us since the beginning, you know? I learned how to dream beside you. I’ve never known how to live this life without you in it.”

Taehyun’s heart hurts. He turns them around, caging Yeonjun in his arms, shielding his honesty from the world around them. Yeonjun looks up at him, brows furrowed. Taehyun eases it with a kiss, trails his nose down to Yeonjun’s cheek, presses a kiss there too. He bears down on his hyung with all his weight, letting him feel the heft of his confession, the beating of his heart, “You’re my first almost everything, hyung-ah. You don’t have to worry about anyone else.”

“If only I figured it out sooner,” Yeonjun laughs humorlessly, bittersweet. “Spared us both the pain. Spared your lips from being kissed by anyone but me.”

Taehyun smiles at that, wistful. Challenging. “You haven’t even kissed me yet.”

“I’ll kiss you so much that I’ll erase the touch of everyone who came before me,” Yeonjun whispers into his cheek. When did he get so close? Taehyun blinks down at him, and everything feels slow, syrupy, like the world is in slow motion.

“So you’ll kiss me everywhere?”

“If that’s what it takes.”

“And not for any other reason?”

Yeonjun is so close. If Taehyun were to turn his head they would be speaking into each other’s mouths. Yeonjun takes charge, tilting his chin so their noses touch. Yeonjun smirks at that, briefly, before tracing the outline of Taehyun’s lips, lingering at his cupid’s bow, on his bottom lip. If Taehyun were to open his mouth Yeonjun’s thumb would slip inside easily, and Taehyun can almost taste how it would feel, pressing down on his tongue.

Yeonjun blinks, slow and distracted. His pupils are dilated, almost entirely black. His voice is low when he speaks again, so low Taehyun can feel it in his chest.

“You’re so cute when you’re being coy, but you don’t have to fish around for me to say that I want you, Taehyun-ah. I want you, so much, and all the time.” And then he laughs, not because he’s embarrassed but because it’s finally been said, the fact of this wanting. “I’m really going crazy. I want to write so many songs, but no amount of lyrics can hold a candle to you. I look at you and just feel… everything. No words can do it justice.”

“It’s easy, hyung,” Taehyun whispers, biting his lip. Yeonjun’s eyes catch on it, and he’s shaking, like it’s taking everything in him to not do anything about it. “There are actually a few ways to say it. I know them well because you always make me think it. Here, I’ll show you.”

The moment Yeonjun meets his eyes again, Taehyun says it, the words slipping out of his lips and into Yeonjun’s open mouth.

“Jagiya.”

Taehyun feels his eyes close, feels Yeonjun’s lashes flutter on his cheek like a promise. 

He’s hanging on the precipice. Taehyun feels Yeonjun take in a shaky breath, feels a hand at the back of his neck, and jumps.

“I love you.”

Taehyun kisses Yeonjun and it feels like the end of the world and the beginning of the rest of his life. Yeonjun gasps into his mouth, and the wet sound of their lips echo like fireworks in the quiet of Taehyun’s room. 

All of Taehyun is trembling. Yeonjun holds his face like he could vanish at any second, kisses him like he needs it to survive. Everything about him is hot, from his hands to his breath to his tongue, and it enters his mouth to devour him from the inside out. Taehyun moans and Yeonjun spreads his legs, pulling him closer until every inch of them is touching. Taehyun can taste salt in their kiss, pulls away to see tears on Yeonjun’s face. 

“You’re crying?” 

“I love you so much,” Yeonjun whispers back, and the words hit Taehyun in the chest like a battering ram. He surges in to lick at Yeonjun’s cheek like an animal, possessed, and feels more than hears his laugh. He presses a kiss to Yeonjun’s cheek, his ear, buries his face in the crook of his neck and noses at his pulse point, laughing when he feels how hard it’s pounding, like it wants to break through Yeonjun’s skin to get closer to him. Taehyun sucks on it and Yeonjun whines, pulling him by the hair to bring him back to his mouth. Taehyun licks the salt off his lips too, and Yeonjun returns the favor by sucking on his tongue until he’s whimpering into his mouth. 

“This is too much,” Yeonjun says, breathless, pulling him down to lean their foreheads together like he needs to breathe from Taehyun’s own oxygen, to share that part of themselves too until there’s nothing left of them apart. Taehyun laughs into his cheek, knows he’s not imagining the throbbing against his hip.

“You’re hard,” he whispers, rocking his hips forward. Yeonjun moans through his teeth, biting down on his lip, eyes half-lidded. Taehyun darts down, steals one more kiss because he just can’t stay away. The wet sound of their lips rubbing together is getting to his head, making him all reckless. “Just from kissing?”

Taehyun kisses him again, licks into his mouth and Yeonjun just takes it, melting into the sheets. Taehyun reaches down, palms at Yeonjun’s erection, and smiles when he whimpers in his ear like a good boy.

“And you’re huge," Taehyun says, squeezing Yeonjun’s cock through his shorts, watching his head roll back as he groans, the beautiful curve of his neck wide open for Taehyun to place another kiss to, wet and unhurried. “Can I feel that inside me?”

And like an animal possessed, suddenly Taehyun’s being flipped over and pinned down, Yeonjun’s hands on his wrists, having caught him like a wolf bearing down on its prey. He leans in until their noses are touching, staying there for a few moments to catch his breath. 

“You’re crazy,” Yeonjun whispers against his lips, and Taehyun can’t help but kiss him until his lips are swollen, pulling at his bottom lip with his teeth until he bleeds.

“You made me like this,” Taehyun says back, licking at the blood on his lips. Yeonjun laughs against his mouth, out of his mind, before ducking down to bite at his neck, licking and sucking until Taehyun’s panting and trying not to beg for him to keep going.

“You’re killing me,” Yeonjun groans, sliding his hands up Taehyun’s shorts and squeezing. Taehyun laughs at that, pulling him back to kiss him again, lapping at his mouth like a dog.

“Who taught you how to kiss like this? I’ll kill them,” Yeonjun says, frowning and pulling away. “Don’t say Choi Beomgyu or I’ll go soft.”

Taehyun laughs at that, knows better even if it’s the truth. “Do you really want me to say any name but yours?”

Yeonjun seems to take that as a challenge, wrapping Taehyun’s thighs around his waist and grinding down, sparks flying up Taehyun’s spine and making everything go liquid, like he’s melting into the bed. “I’ll make you forget any other name but mine.”

“Make me scream it if you can.”

It’s like a switch flips in Yeonjun’s brain, and suddenly clothes are flying off. Soon enough, they’re both shirtless and Yeonjun goes straight for his chest, teeth scraping against a nipple, the feeling of it going straight to Taehyun’s cock. Taehyun slides his hands up Yeonjun’s shorts to squeeze at his ass, mouth dropping open when his hands go straight to skin.

“No underwear?”

“I thought we were just sleeping!”

“Slut.”

Yeonjun actually laughs at that, fully knowing who seduced who. He kicks off his shorts, and the sight of his dick shuts Taehyun right up, so hard it makes his mouth water. Yeonjun catches him staring and decides to give him a show, tugging at his cock and thumbing at the slit, breath shaky. 

Taehyun tries his best not to drool and instead rises to the occasion, squeezing at his cock through his shorts, and Yeonjun zeroes in on the wet spot on the fabric before pulling it off him in a second, shameless and efficient. 

Reality seems to crash down on Yeonjun the second they’re both naked, and he immediately collapses on top of Taehyun, hiding his face in his neck. 

“What’s the matter with you?”

“Aren’t we moving too fast?”

What a cute hyung, suddenly realizing this once their cocks were out. Taehyun rolls his eyes, smiling despite himself.

“Nine years of waiting, hyung,” Taehyun reminds him, hoping to channel the guilt that got him the guy in the end. Yeonjun looks up from his hiding place, unimpressed, knowing what he’s doing. “Even a tortoise would have gotten here faster. What’s one less day?”

“I thought you wanted me to earn it?” 

“I’ll give it to you if you beg,” Taehyun says, leaning in for another kiss, wet and open-mouthed and filthy, until they’re rutting against each other like animals, panting into each other’s mouths. Taehyun pulls away to bite Yeonjun’s ear, licking at the shell and smiling when he shivers, sensitive. He moves back and blinks up at Yeonjun, furrowing his brow and giving him the eyes every guy asks him to give, when they’re pinning him down and fucking him. “Don’t you want me?”

Yeonjun groans, flipping them over and setting Taehyun on his lap, sucking on his neck and spreading his legs, hands scrambling for his ass. 

“I need you,” he whispers, forehead dropping onto Taehyun’s shoulder, defeated. He looks up and gives Taehyun the eyes, and Taehyun suddenly understands what all those other guys feel, because it works like a fucking charm.

“Then have me.”

Yeonjun doesn’t need anything else, and takes him. 

He spreads Taehyun open, rubbing at his hole until Taehyun bites his neck, needing more. He laughs, goes to look for the lube and finds it under the pillow, raises a brow at Taehyun who just smiles at him, innocent. 

“Did you want me to fuck you that badly?”

“Didn’t I tell you last night that I’ll let you?” 

“Where are your condoms?”

“You won’t fuck me raw?”

Yeonjun doesn’t waste time. In a second Taehyun’s leg is up on his shoulder and he’s being fingered within an inch of his life. It’s almost cruel how good he is at this, zeroing in on Taehyun’s prostate and fucking into it with an accuracy that almost makes him weep, and nearly gets him begging. 

Figures he would be perfect at this too. Taehyun tries to keep his voice down and fails, judging by the smirk on Yeonjun’s stupid face, so he pulls him in by the hair and kisses him, muffling his voice in a more productive way. 

Yeonjun fucks into him with his tongue in the same rhythm as he’s thrusting his fingers into Taehyun’s hole, and the wet sound of their mouths with the squelching of the lube feels so loud that it actually makes Taehyun blush. Yeonjun opens him up, gets up to three fingers before Taehyun’s grabbing at his wrist, telling him he’s ready. 

“How do you want me?” Taehyun asks, and Yeonjun pulls his fingers out of him and pulls him into his arms, rolling them over until Taehyun’s on his back, Yeonjun kneeling between his legs, looking terrified and overwhelmed and in love. He wraps Taehyun’s thighs around his waist and leans down, touching their foreheads together and trying to catch his breath. Taehyun can’t help but kiss him again, just a soft touch of the lips, for how sweet he looks like that.

Yeonjun pulls back, hovering over him, and Taehyun tucks the hair away from his face, not liking how it hides his eyes. “Look at me while you do it. I don’t want to forget.”

Yeonjun smiles at that, kissing him on the cheek, before pushing in. When Taehyun looks back at this moment, he won’t remember anything else but that, Yeonjun’s eyes, the way all of him shakes from holding back, how gentle he was. 

Right now, all Taehyun can feel is burning from the inside out, and it both hurts and it doesn’t, how his body is learning to reshape itself around Yeonjun, and how good it feels when he’s finally in. 

Yeonjun bottoms out, and Taehyun can barely breathe but can still muster up the strength to laugh at him and the tears in his eyes. Yeonjun looks at him, a tear falling down his cheek as he whispers, “Taehyun. I’m inside you.”

Taehyun doesn’t want to cry, feels filled to the brim, and can’t help it. He pulls Yeonjun close to his chest, still getting used to the feeling of him. Yeonjun kisses him and kisses him and kisses him until all the hurt melts away. 

When he’s finally ready, Yeonjun stays close and asks him, “how do you want it?”

Taehyun looks up at him, tears still sticking to his lashes. Yeonjun kisses those away too. He figures Yeonjun means either fast or slow or rough or hard, but can only find it in himself to be honest.

“Fuck me like you love me.”

Taehyun feels Yeonjun smile at that, cheeks rising against his.

“I’ll make love to you, baby,” he huffs, ever the romantic. “Don’t insult me.”

So he does. He moves, and Taehyun feels every inch of him, no barrier between them, the whole of him adjusting to his shape. Yeonjun thrusts shallowly, slowly, looking for the right angle to drive Taehyun crazy. When he finds it, he fucks into him slow, setting up a rhythm that has Taehyun melting into the sheets, boneless.

Taehyun wonders if it’s possible, for Yeonjun to stay inside him forever, for them to live under each other’s skins until they die. The way Yeonjun’s moving sends sparks up his spine, and Taehyun can’t stop being so fucking loud about it, whimpers being fucked out of him, and the sound of him and Yeonjun together is so heady that he wonders if he could bottle it and make it into a song. 

Yeonjun picks up the pace, and Taehyun can’t help it, screams his name like it’s the only word he knows. Yeonjun looks at him like he’s the only thing he sees, and nothing outside of them exists.

Taehyun can’t help but ruin the moment, wanting to see Yeonjun laugh.

“Are you fucking me to ggum jilgeong?”

It works. Yeonjun bursts out laughing, losing his rhythm to giggle into Taehyun’s cheek.

“Don’t even joke about that or I’ll get hard on stage and humiliate you.”

“I just want you to always think of me.”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes like that’s already a given and he’s an idiot for even thinking to ask for it. Taehyun nuzzles his cheek, grateful for him. Yeonjun looks at him with eyes that are so warm that they really must be making love right now. 

Taehyun can’t help himself, pulls him down for a kiss far too sweet for their position, and the hardness of his own cock. Yeonjun reaches down to tug on it, and it’s been steadily leaking pre-cum but with his touch it’s like everything is suddenly infused with a layer of electricity, and Yeonjun has to move or he’ll explode. 

Taehyun pushes his hips down, and Yeonjun groans into his neck, not expecting it. Taehyun does it again, and once more, desperate to get things moving, until Yeonjun gets the memo and starts fucking him in earnest, laughing against his cheek and gripping at his waist so he stays put. 

The sound of his balls slapping against Taehyun’s ass is so lewd that he has to cover his face, shy. Yeonjun locks their fingers together and moves them away from his face, laughing at him like this isn’t really the time for things like that. Taehyun pouts at him and gives him the eyes again, smiling when it has that effect and Yeonjun is giving it to him like he wants, slow and rough and good, like he loves him. 

He loses himself in it soon enough, eyes rolling to the back of his head, clawing down Yeonjun’s back like a fucking maniac. Yeonjun seems to like it, moaning into his ears and making him take it and take it and take it.

“So good, so good, so good—”

“The best you’ve ever had?”

Taehyun can’t help but just start saying shit, no longer in control of his body, and wanting Yeonjun to know it’s his fault. 

“Fuck me until I forget everyone else,” he laughs, delirious with it, possessed. “Fuck me until you’re the only one my hole remembers.”

What the fuck? Yeonjun surges in and bites at his neck, overwhelmed. “Where’d you learn to talk like that?”

“I was practicing for you. It was all for you. And you know what?”

He whispers it into Yeonjun’s ear, feeling him shiver with how hard he’s holding back from just pinning him down and taking him, no fucking class about it. “No one has ever come inside me.”

It’s like the world stops. It’s like Yeonjun stops breathing, out of his mind. “You want me to?”

“Fill me up, hyung.”

Yeonjun groans, and suddenly Taehyun’s being flipped over on his hands and knees, face down and ass up on the bed. He starts giggling into the pillow, about to be plowed into the mattress and fucked until he can’t walk. 

Yeonjun pushes into him and it’s hard and fast and rough immediately, pushing them both to the finish line, and Taehyun is rutting into the bed like an animal and moaning helplessly into his pillow like a slut as Yeonjun gives it to him, gripping onto his waist like a lifeline. Taehyun will be all bruised up tomorrow but it doesn’t fucking matter, all that matters is this, Yeonjun covering him completely, kissing his neck and moaning in his ear, fucking him like he loves him. 

Taehyun takes his hand, makes him feel the bulge in his stomach, and that really gets him going, each thrust targeting Taehyun’s prostate like it’s a race to be won. 

Taehyun is close, so close he can almost taste it, and it’s so fucking stupid that in the end, it’s Yeonjun’s laugh that gets him, forehead pressed to his shoulder, telling him he loves him. Taehyun comes so hard he sees stars, not even needing to be touched, and Yeonjun whimpers as he tightens up, so close to the edge that it actually hurts. 

Taehyun, mind fucked out of him, finds it in himself to flip them around so he’s sitting on Yeonjun’s cock, wanting to look at his face when he comes. He’s overstimulated as fuck but he squirms on Yeonjun’s dick until he gets the message and starts thrusting up, chasing his release, rhythm no longer mattering to him. 

It hurts but it’s worth it, watching Yeonjun come apart like that. And then he smiles, and that’s what gets Yeonjun in the end, and he’s coming in Taehyun’s ass and pulling him down to kiss him, just a soft touch of the mouths until it ends. 

Taehyun collapses onto him, boneless and fucked out, full of Yeonjun’s come and kind of liking it. Yeonjun touches the place where his dick and Taehyun’s hole meets, groaning like a degenerate, before pulling out and watching his come spill out, unable to look away. 

His dick twitches, and Taehyun rolls his eyes, kisses him until he stops being a pervert. Yeonjun forgets about everything else but the press of their lips, breathing him in and kissing him like it’s the only thing he needs, after everything. 

Soon enough, Taehyun’s squirming at the feeling of come still inside him, and Yeonjun laughs, kissing his cheek before getting a wet towel to clean him up. 

He wipes Taehyun down, precise about it, until he has to clean Taehyun’s asshole out and he can’t help but play around, scissoring his fingers until Taehyun groans and kicks him. Then, he just gets sweet about it, kissing his way up Taehyun’s body until he reaches his lips, wiping away the drool around his mouth, the tear tracks still on his cheeks. 

The feeling of it, Yeonjun’s attentive hands and his warm eyes, brings him back to a memory from what feels like a different life. Yeonjun sees him smiling, tilts his head in a question, and Taehyun pulls back the bangs from his face, wondering if he still remembers.

“Do you remember when we went to Suchwita?”

Yeonjun pouts, like he always does when people remind him about the incident. “You know I remember nothing from that night.”

Taehyun can’t help but smile at that. “My cute hyung, such a lightweight.”

“I was just nervous!” Yeonjun bursts, and Taehyun laughs at him again, holding his cheeks like something precious. “I got carried away, but I knew you’d be there to take care of me, so I wasn’t worried.”

“That night, I carried you back up to the dorm and tucked you in, just like this. Took off your makeup and everything. As I was making sure your mascara was all gone you suddenly hugged me and started crying.”

“Oh no,” Yeonjun hangs his head, already knowing where this is going. Taehyun just smiles at him, tilting his chin up so they can keep looking at each other.

“Yeah. You wouldn’t let me go. And for the longest time I wondered if I was also that drunk or if you really said those words to me.”

“I wish I could love you like you want.” Yeonjun remembers, eyes mournful and ashamed.

“That’s it. And the same words you kept repeating that night.”

“I won’t take anything for granted.”

“Yeah,” Taehyun says, and Yeonjun presses a soft kiss to his lips, an apology that Taehyun no longer needs when he has this now, and Yeonjun in his arms, ready to say it over and over again for nothing.

“But I did. I’m sorry, Taehyun-ah.” There he goes.

“That’s not the point,” he’s smiling now, looking at Yeonjun’s face, so like how he looked that night, and yet the rest of it is completely different, colored in by love that Taehyun didn’t think he could ever have. “You do now. It’s just funny to look back at it now, knowing everything that’s changed.”

“I’m still sorry it took a while,” Yeonjun persists, locking their fingers together to kiss his hands too. “I should have been your only one from the start.”

Taehyun holds that in his heart, but knows it’s better this way, all their aches addressed, all the hurt gone. Only love is left, and it’s the only thing that matters. And Yeonjun’s jealousy, but he honestly finds most of it funny. 

“Did you know that cells regenerate after seven years? After seven years, there won’t be any traces of those other people on me. You just have to stick around until then. Then, it would only be you and no one else. As long as you keep kissing me. As long as you don’t let me go.” 

Yeonjun kisses him again for that, brief and sweet and warm. “Even after this life, Taehyun-ah. I’ll keep saying it again and again. I wish I could say it’s always been you, but I’m doing my best to make up for lost time. Someday, I’ll have loved you for longer than I’ve hurt you.” 

Yeonjun seals that with a kiss, pressed softly to Taehyun’s cheek. Taehyun sighs into it, sinking into the feeling of his love. “What’s all those years when we’re approaching forever? You know me. I’m not greedy. But when it comes to you I can’t stop wanting so much, and all the time until I can’t think of anything else. It took me losing you to realize that I loved you more than I was afraid. I’m just so sorry it took this long, and other people, for me to see that.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Taehyun says to him, brushing his hair back to look at him, eye to eye. “They never mattered in the first place. Everything I did was a means to an end. And it was all for nothing, because no one could ever hold a candle to you. No one had your smile, or your ears, or your heart.”

“My ears?” Taehyun touches Yeonjun’s big ears, smiling when they immediately turn red.

“You’re the only one for me, Choi Yeonjun. Always have been.” 

Yeonjun takes him in his arms and holds him like that could erase the years gone from them. Taehyun sinks into his embrace, and falls asleep looking forward to forever.

A few hours later, Taehyun wakes up with a dry mouth, and goes to stand to get some water from the kitchen. Yeonjun doesn’t want to let him go, clutching him closer to his chest. Taehyun laughs at that and pries his arms away, telling him to stop being a baby, and giving him a kiss on the forehead to make up for it. 

Yeonjun grabs his hand as he goes, giving it a kiss and telling him to not be too long. Taehyun pinches the skin at his wrist and tells him to just go back to sleep, biting at his finger when he won’t let go.

Taehyun puts on his underwear, ignoring Yeonjun’s ouch and picking up a shirt from the floor, leaving his room and heading to the kitchen. As he’s moving to put the shirt over his head, a voice from the shadows, frantic, goes to stop him.

“Stop! Don’t put a shirt on.” It’s Beomgyu, sitting on the couch bleary-eyed, Huening’s shirt slipping off his shoulder to reveal some lecherous marks on his chest.

“Don’t be a pervert,” Taehyun says back, but forgoes the shirt because he feels like it and not for any other reason. 

Beomgyu raises a brow at the hand-shaped bruises already forming on his waist, mouth dropping when he fully takes in Taehyun’s messy hair, and the bite mark on his tit.

“I thought you were playing hard to get?”

“I was.” So what if it didn’t last long. Taehyun isn’t ashamed.

“And that lasted a day?”

“Don’t slutshame me.”

“Well, don’t be a slut.” Taehyun gasps at that, turning around to see Beomgyu fiercely holding back a laugh. 

“Wow. Two days after our divorce and you’re already hurting my feelings.”

Beomgyu can’t keep it in any longer, laughs all the way from the couch and into his arms, hugging him around the waist and laying his cheek on Taehyun’s shoulder, happy. “I’m saying it proudly! I’m proud of you, Taehyun-ah.”

“Thank you,” Taehyun says amidst the pinch to his cheek. “I’m proud of you too. How was the double penetration?”

Beomgyu smiles at him, effervescent. It must have gone well. 

“A dream come true,” he confirms, before pulling away with a skip in his step. “See you tomorrow?”

“See you,” Taehyun says to his back, watching him swoon all the way back to Soobin’s room. The moment before he shuts the door behind him, he turns back to say one last thing. Taehyun wants to hope for it to be sweet or touching, knows it will probably be perverted and nosy, armed to share with his men who probably have their ears to the door right now.

“One last thing. Who topped?” There it is.

“Goodnight, Beomgyu-hyung,” Taehyun answers, ignoring his pout and returning to the waiting arms of his lover. It seemed pretty obvious, anyway. Taehyun doesn’t need to say it out loud.

A few days later, they’re sat in an interview and answering Google’s most asked questions, which are probably heavily filtered and are more like BigHit’s most preferred questions, if they’re being real about the title. 

Yeonjun is sat up front and Taehyun is enjoying his view, watching the back of his neck turn red when he gets embarrassed, which is often, or when he feels Taehyun looking, which is all the time.

Yeonjun pulls at the tab covering the rest of the question, reads out “what is Yeonjun’s ideal type?” and immediately starts blushing at the smiling and hooting and eyebrows raised at him, bashful at how they all know and are waiting for him to say the words.

Taehyun pipes up unhelpfully from the back, trying not to be smug, “isn’t everyone trying to be it?” 

Yeonjun hears it, ignores it, and flounders, feels Taehyun watching him from the back and blushes even more.

“Someone kind of… wise,” he starts, ignoring Huening’s grin from beside him. “Someone I can learn a lot from and whose steps I can follow.”

Taehyun can feel how hard he’s trying not to turn around, and smiles to himself. The back of Yeonjun’s neck turns even redder than his hair, and Beomgyu pinches him in the thigh, giddy like he’s the one being talked about.

“Someone I really admire and respect,” he finishes strong, to everyone’s applause and wiggling eyebrows. 

Taehyun turns the words around in his head, knows he’ll keep them in his heart for a long time. It’s practically a declaration, with how obvious Yeonjun is being, and how red his ears are right now. 

Taehyun smiles to himself, looking down. He’ll get him back for that later, resolved to kiss him for a long time as revenge.

Yeonjun twitches from his seat like he heard that, turning around to wink at Taehyun quickly and bite his lip, and Taehyun can’t kiss him now but he can laugh, pushing his face away and telling him to stop being an idiot.

Yeonjun sings that song again, I’m so stupid in love, under his breath, and Taehyun breathes in, heart warm, and ready for what the rest of the world has in store.

(If Yeonjun had to pick a moment to live in forever, it would be this:

It’s been a few weeks since his confession, and Yeonjun is practically walking on air. He and Taehyun are in the kitchen, having just woken up, and Taehyun’s eyes are huge, still blinking the sleep out of his eyes.

“I’ll make your coffee,” Yeonjun offers, moves to fiddle with his new espresso machine and pulls out a bottle of caramel syrup from the shelf.

Taehyun makes a surprised noise at him, still rubbing at his eyes like he’s not sure if he’s really awake yet. “You know how to make my coffee?”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes, unbelieving that Taehyun can still be shocked at what Yeonjun is willing to do just to make him smile. 

“Love makes you do crazy things, Taehyun-ah. Like buying an espresso machine and learning how to make a caramel macchiato from scratch because that’s your baby’s favorite drink. Like buying this mug—”

He pulls out a mug that’s shaped like a beehive, with a hardworking bee on it carrying a heart that says “for my honey” on the inside. Taehyun holds it like he’s afraid it will crack open in his hands.

“—for your honey even though it’s stupid AND costs an unreasonable amount. So don’t be quiet, Taehyun-ah, and sit there pretty like a princess. I’ll take care of you.”

“Don’t be quiet?” It’s too early to be confusing Taehyun like this, but Yeonjun can’t help it, likes how cute he gets when he doesn’t know what’s going on for once.

“Of course I want you to talk to me, darling. Tell me about your week.”

“We spent every moment together, noona.”

“Did that make you fall for me even more?”

And there he is, rolling his eyes at Yeonjun and still looking at him like that, like it’s impossible to be annoyed at him when he loves him so much. Yeonjun could cry seeing it, turns around and froths the milk to distract himself.

“Stop fishing for compliments and make my coffee.”

“There’s the princess. Coming right up.”

He gets lost in it, swaying his lips as he covers the mug in syrup, singing under his breath. 

Baby baby, you’re my caramel macchiato. Your scent is still sweet on my lips. Baby, baby, tonight

Suddenly, he hears a sniffle. Alarmed, he turns around to try and make a joke to ease whatever’s going on, spots the tears in Taehyun’s eyes and drops everything, running to kneel in front of him and wipe at his cheeks.

“What’s wrong, jagiya?”

“You really love me.”

Yeonjun freezes, sleeve wet and hovering above Taehyun’s eyes.

“Yes, we both knew this.”

“But it’s actually real,” Taehyun whispers at him, like it’s still unbelievable even after all this time. “You really, really love me.”

“Yes,” Yeonjun tries not to laugh but can’t help it, because Taehyun isn’t acting like himself, questioning the obvious like this. “Really really.”

Taehyun starts sobbing, at first silently as though he’s shocked at himself, and then an immediate escalation to something akin to a baby. Yeonjun starts laughing again, sitting himself on Taehyun’s lap and hugging him to his chest, smiling and really, really concerned.

“Taehyun-ah, what’s going on? I thought after all these weeks you would have figured this out already.”

“I mean, I knew,” Taehyun says, snotty. Yeonjun hands him a tissue and he blows his nose really hard as Yeonjun pats his head, trying to keep himself from laughing again. “But I guess it didn’t really sink in so much? Until now?”

“What triggered this realization?” Yeonjun asks, really alarmed and also very amused. “The coffee or the mug?”

“The song,” Taehyun answers, bursting into tears again. Yeonjun can’t help but giggle this time because of how cute he is, squeezing his head back into his chest.

“Because I called you my caramel macchiato?”

“I’m being stupid!” Taehyun wails, and Yeonjun laughs even harder, letting him cry into his shoulder.

“It’s okay,” Yeonjun says, trying to calm down. “I love you even when you’re acting crazy like this.”

“I’m being ridiculous!” Taehyun wails again, this time muffled by Yeonjun’s shirt. “You shouldn’t be encouraging this, noona!”

“But you’re sooo cute,” Yeonjun responds, squeezing him tightly. Taehyun’s sniffles calm down a bit, and he eases himself out of the crook of Yeonjun’s neck, pouting.

Yeonjun looks at his big, teary eyes, nose red and runny, and whispers to himself, “and I love you so much,” before immediately starting to cry, too.

“Noona, stop!!!” Taehyun says, shaking him and thumbing at his cheeks like a windshield wiper, and he can’t help but laugh and cry and laugh again, because they’re both so stupid, loving each other so much that they’re acting insane all out in the open like this because it hit them so hard.

Huening walks in on them acting like lunatics and starts cooing and taking pictures like they’re zoo animals. Soobin follows soon after and starts cooing and ruffling Taehyun’s hair. Beomgyu arrives and completes this setup of completely irrational people, only seeing Taehyun’s tears and deciding to chase Yeonjun around, waging war.

Huening holds his boyfriend back with a hug, tickling him until he screams so the two crybabies can make their way back to each other without further obstructions.

As if already missing him, Taehyun reaches out for his hand and pulls him in. 

Yeonjun, helpless, follows.

He loves me, Yeonjun thinks, and smiles. His heart soars farther than he can reach it, but his hands are too busy holding Taehyun’s to care.)

Notes:

thanks for reading! talk to me

 

twt
fic twt