Chapter Text
The soft screech of chalk against black paint was always satisfying, Viktor liked hearing it. The smell of the fine dusty powder falling gently like fresh snow over the wooden ledge meant to hold the eraser was familiar and cosy. The lab was always warm at this time of year, high up in one of the last floors of the building, allowing the sun to hit it just before sunset, warming up its walls and allowing Viktor to see the small specs of chalk floating in the air if he squinted his eyes hard enough.
The rapid scribbling on the chalkboard made Viktor’s wrist ache. It was a good ache, a sign of progress, of knowledge. The equations were making sense today, and it filled Viktor with a soft pride that made his chest feel full and his cheeks tight with the attempt at a smile. It was progress, definitely. A sense of relief filled him, maybe he’d be able to finish this today, and maybe he’d be able to go back home with Jayce, warm up some of the food Ximena had brought for both of them earlier that week, and curl up on the couch with his lover before going to bed.
Yes, Viktor would like that.
One particular line ran too long, extending from corner to corner of the board. Viktor wasn’t a tall man nor a particularly flexible man, which forced him to use a stool to be able to make the best of the space in the chalkboard. It was long and tall and just barely enough to hold everything that went on in Viktor’s brilliant brain.
It started with a stretch of his right arm, trying to reach one of the further corners of the board. He did not want to lose momentum by stepping off and moving the stool closer to the end. Then he stretched his torso, the brace made it a bit hard, as it prevented his back from bending too far. The muscles surrounding his disks were weak, as well as the joints that held his back together, which caused him to need the extra support. He placed almost his entire weight on his good leg, standing on his tiptoes and stretching the usual curve on his back, just enough to reach.
Just when he was about to write the last couple of digits, he felt it. He felt the moment his back gave out completely, sending him plummeting to the ground, kicking the stool far away. He could feel the way his vertebrae shifted under his weight, getting out of line, making his torso bend at a weird angle that caused his ribs to dig uncomfortably into his organs. It was a foreign sensation he didn’t even know was possible. The bend was nasty, putting strain in his muscles and making the bones of his spine feel like they were made of a gelatinous matter rather than dense bone.
A sharp pain shot through his hips as he fell on his side. The impact knocked the breath out of him, making him cough uncontrollably.
The thud of his body hitting the ground and the crash of the metal stool against the tile was loud enough for Jayce,in the other room, to hear.
It only took a couple of agonising seconds until he could hear the moment Jayce scrambled into the room, panicked and shaken.
“Viktor?!”
The pain was unbearable, the middle of his back felt like it had been bent backwards until it snapped, every twitch of his body sent sparks of agony down his limbs. The pain radiated to his fingers and toes, cold and deep, making them curl inward.
He curled into himself, making a fresh wave of pain wash down his back like boiling oil. He could almost hear the sizzle.
He let out a gasp, followed by a series of pants, trying desperately to catch his breath. Maybe if he just breathed the pain would go away.
Jayce tried to approach him, reaching out to place his hand on his shoulder.
Viktor couldn’t even stomach the thought of touch. With difficulty he brought his hand up, silently asking Jayce not to touch him. His throat felt tight and his eyes stung with tears, he knew if he opened his mouth all he would probably be able to do was choke out a sob.
“What happened?”
Viktor brought his hand down and behind him, hovering it over his back before touching it lightly. A whimper ripped through his throat.
“Is it your back? Did you fall and hit your back?” Jayce asked panickedly. He knew how delicate Viktor’s spine could be.
Viktor couldn’t find the words to explain exactly what had happened, too shaken and too deep in pain to even think.
His whole body felt like mush, milled and warm with pain.
He tried to turn to lay on his back, but the sole attempt at movement made him audibly gasp. Everything hurt so bad. The muscles on his back screamed with agony at the twist of his neck.
He felt Jayce place his hand on his shoulder, preventing him from trying to move again.
“Stay still,” he heard his lover choke out.
The reality of the situation downed on him — what if he’d actually hurt his spine? What would that mean for him? For the company? For the future? For Jayce?
The dam broke, and tears fell quietly and freely down his face. The small rackets of sobs made the pain all much worse.
Jayce watched in horror at the scene in front of him. At Viktor reduced to a puddle of anguish, it made something nasty bloom in his chest, a hurt he couldn’t describe, almost as if he was going to cry.
“Vik— Vik I’ll— I’ll bring some help okay?” He rubbed his partner’s shoulder comfortingly, but it only seemed to shake Viktor further. He pulled his hand away.
“Don’t move,” Jayce said, “Stay exactly as you are, don’t move, okay?”
Jayce wasn’t a doctor, Viktor wasn’t either, but they were both educated enough to know you do not move a person who’s suffered a fall. Risking further injury to the spine or the head could bring consequences too severe to bear. Jayce couldn’t imagine Viktor having a harder time with his body, if he were to end up paralysed or with reduced mobility, Jayce wasn’t sure if his partner would be able to cope.
He ran through the hallways of the building, seeing doors and windows zoom past him as he hurried to the nearest infirmary.
Being such a big and prestigious company, with a large amount of employees, they always had a medic in the building. Handling heavy machinery and working at the forge always brought accidents, so it was better to have a first responder available at all times.
***
Viktor laid motionless, exactly as Jayce had left him. The pain came and went in waves, radiating stronger whenever a gasp of a sob made his muscles seize. Nothing he did made it better, breathing put strain on his muscles, crying made his body move unconsciously, and the hard, cold floor only seemed to make things worse, the temperature seeping deep into his tissue.
But despite his state and the way his head seemed to be filled with water, he stayed still, even if all he wanted to do was writhe in pain, he stayed still. He couldn't risk it.
It didn’t take long for the company’s medic to arrive, followed by a very frantic Jayce who had explained what little he knew about what happened, with a voice so alarmed the medic didn’t even bother trying to make out most of the words coming out of his mouth. He had grabbed a neck collar when he heard the words ‘fall’ and ‘back’, and called for paramedics, just in case, which would take around thirty minutes to arrive.
The medic was a middle aged man, tall and scrawny, with a kind face and thick glasses. Viktor saw him when he crouched next to him on the floor. The man spoke, calm and low. “Hello Viktor.”
Viktor hummed to acknowledge him.
“Can you tell me what happened? Did you fall?”
It took a couple of seconds for Viktor to collect himself and make peace with the idea of talking and the fact that he was being seen like this by a stranger. His face was still wet with tears, but he wasn’t actively crying anymore.
“I was uh… Writing on the board,” he started.
The medic nodded, indicating he was listening.
“And I uh, I tilted a bit to reach the corner and my back, it…” Viktor rarely struggled with the language anymore, but at the moment, he couldn’t seem to be able to find the words. “It got weak,” he explained, his voice shaky. “It bent weirdly and I fell.”
The other man hummed. “Did you hit your back when you fell?”
“No, just my side.”
“What about your head?”
“My head is fine.”
“Noted. Where does it hurt?”
“My back,” he said simply, growing slightly irritated.
Maybe it was Jayce’s impression, but Viktor’s accent seemed to lay on thicker while he spoke with the medic. On more vulnerable moments Viktor tended to be more careless about the way he spoke.
“You said it bent?”
“Yes.”
“Was that inwards? Backwards?”
“Uh… To the side?”
There was a brief moment of silence before the medic hummed. Like he was contemplating what to do next.
“Okay Viktor, here is what we’re going to do.” He placed a hand firmly on Viktor’s shoulder, which made him flinch.
“I’m going to lay you on your back for your assessment, okay?”
“Assessment?”
“Yes,” the medic provided no further explanation. “Mr. Talis, help me roll him on his back.”
Jayce took no time to hurry to Viktor’s side, eager to help and worrying out of his mind.
There’s a certain technique necessary to move a patient with possible spinal injury. It requires patience and strength, and the medic did not have enough hands to do it alone, so he patiently explained to Jayce how to keep Viktor’s body aligned and straight while being rolled over.
They uncurled him first, gently stretching out his legs and holding them slightly apart so his spine wouldn’t fall to a side. While the medic held his legs Jayce was instructed to hold his head away from the floor.
His spine was pulled straight, into its natural position, and Viktor gasped and whimpered at the movement.
“Can you feel my hands on your legs, Viktor?” The medic asked.
“Yes,” he choked out.
“What about Mr. Talis’ hands?”
“Yes.”
“Very good.”
Slowly and steadily they rolled him onto his back, making sure to move his entire body at the same time to avoid twisting his spine in any direction and risking further injury. The movement was painful at first, but Viktor breathed a sigh of relief as soon as his body laid flat on the ground.
“How does that feel?”
“Better.”
Gently swatting Jayce away, the medic placed the firm collar around Viktor’s neck to make sure it wouldn’t move while the paramedics arrived.
All of this for a little fall , thought Viktor.
Jayce sat at his side, watching the medic work like a hawk.
“Now, I believe you have preexisting conditions, yes?” Asked the medic.
“What do you think, doctor?” Snapped Viktor.
The medic smiled, amused at Viktor’s ability to snap back despite his unfortunate position.
“Right. Any of them regarding your spine?”
“Spinal arthritis.”
The medic winced at the information, Viktor was so young.
“What do you use to treat it?”
“Medication and a, uh, a brace.”
“Are you wearing the brace right now?”
“Yes.”
It was a shocking realization knowing that the brace was not enough to hold him upright anymore. To keep his spine stable.
Viktor’s back had always been weak, but it got particularly bad once he was a teenager, seemingly deteriorating as time passed. Maybe because of the bent his cane caused — or maybe he had always been like that. He had started relying on crutches, braces and canes since a very young age. His back hurt and strained and would start shaking whenever he stood without a brace for too long, not being able to walk more than a few steps without his aids. Whenever he was left without them he was vulnerable, almost naked. At the mercy of whoever was around.
One isn’t supposed to use a spinal brace for too many hours, it can hurt the ribs and bruise the skin of the abdomen — but Viktor would rather die than depend on someone else to move around.
“Do me a favor Viktor, and curl your hands into fists.”
Viktor did so easily, and the medic hummed, pleased.
“Can you move your toes?”
“Yes.”
“Both feet?”
“Yes.”
The medic then proceeded to poke Viktor on different parts of his body, his legs, arms, face and hands. Asking if he could feel his touch.
“Any pain? Tingles? Numbness?”
“Aside from my back, no, no and no.”
“Any needle-like feeling anywhere?”
“No.”
There was a collective sigh of relief. “At first glance I don’t think you had any serious spine injury. However, if your back hurts this much and this was all caused by your back ‘giving out’, I believe it would be wise to get yourself more thoroughly checked out in a hospital.”
Viktor grimaced. “Right. Can I stand now?”
“I strongly suggest against it. I have already called a group of paramedics to transport you, and I’d like to do so as safely as possible.”
“I do not recall allowing you to make that decision for me,” said Viktor, clearly upset.
“Viktor,” the medic said firmly, “Are you going to risk it?”
He twisted his face in defiance, too proud to admit the doctor might be right.
Jayce intervened, “Vik, please, let’s just go, just to make sure nothing’s wrong,” he tried to persuade him.
But that was the thing, something was always wrong. Even in a small check-up, Viktor always ended up receiving news that left him antsy and upset for days .
And he was certain this time it wouldn’t be any different. His defiance wasn't a legitimate belief that he was okay, but fear of finding out that something might be actually wrong.
Viktor extended his hand, silently offering it to Jayce, and with a weak squeeze he agreed.
***
There was a sinking feeling in his stomach every time he walked into a hospital. In this case, he was wheeled in. The paramedics made sure to be gentle with him, it was not urgent nor a matter of life or death, but a possible injury to the spine was serious and they treated it as such. Their care made Viktor fear for the worst.
It didn’t take long for a doctor to see him. And he resented it, in a way. He remembered waiting months for an appointment while his body ate itself with pain. Diagnoses came by like miracles whenever the system decided to look his way.
Now that he was a successful man, a wealthy man, medical care was as accessible as a cup of coffee. He was grateful, of course, but a part of him couldn’t help but feel bitter.
He got tested swiftly — scans, blood tests, physical evaluations and specialist consultations. And how could he not think of the times in which getting his hands on pain killers felt like a blessing?
“So I don’t see any obvious spine injury and you are not presenting any symptoms Mr…?”
“It’s just Viktor.”
They were sitting in the doctor’s office. Viktor had finally been allowed off the stretcher once spinal and neck injuries were ruled out, and put in a wheelchair for the time being. Despite disliking his lack of freedom, he admitted to himself he did not feel up to walking, his back still felt sore and was tender to the touch.
The doctor was a neurosurgeon, one of the best professionals in the hospital — she had long black hair and tanned skin, similar to Jayce’s, a pair of metal glasses sat on her proud nose. She looked young, or at least, younger than Viktor’s other doctors. Her office was fit to her status, big and tastefully decorated, with models of the spine and the brain.
Viktor shivered. The spine holds up the body and connects it to the brain, it keeps it upright so the ribs can protect the organs that nest deep within a human’s core. Viktor’s spine was all but firm, seeming to wobble from side to side, crooking further and further until its stretch was painful and stiff, like a dried rubber band crumbling at the sides.
“Right, Mr. Viktor, the scans don’t show any fractures, fissures or tumors that might be interfering with your spine.”
Viktor hummed, partly in relief. It was comforting to think that maybe this once he would walk away with no bad news. Jayce leaned forward on his seat, paying close attention to the doctor’s words.
“However, there is an obvious attrition to the vertebrates and their surrounding tissue.”
“Yes. I have arthritis,” he explained simply.
“I know.”
“So?”
The doctor sighed, “Despite not having any injuries, I believe I know why you fell today.”
Viktor hummed, prompting her to continue.
One of your vertebrae slipped out of place, right between the thoracic and lumbar area, which is why you were in so much pain. Your spine has lost stability, Viktor. It can no longer hold you up, even with the brace.”
Something cold and hopeless carved a hole in Viktor's chest. So much for having hope. “It is holding me up just fine right now.”
“The joints in your spine are no longer strong enough to hold it together,” she explained, “What happened today is only a symptom of that.”
“Surely there is a solution, Doctor?” Interfered Jayce, which caused Viktor to send him a dirty look. Jayce would deal with Viktor’s anger later, at the moment, all he was, was worried.
“Surgery–”
“Absolutely not,” said Viktor.
The doctor grimaced, she had a feeling her patient would be stubborn. “If you don’t do anything about it, something like this will happen again. And I fear you won’t be able to walk off with a couple of strained muscles and a scolding. You could lose mobility, Viktor, you need to understand that. ”
“So what, I have to— allow myself to be cut open and subject myself to worse pain?”
Jayce winced.
“I understand the surgery sounds scary, but really it is the best option in your case. The recovery process is not easy, but I guarantee the results will improve your quality of life immensely. If you risk deteriorating your spine further, it’ll only hurt more and more until it finally gives out.”
“And what if it goes wrong?” Asked Viktor, “Are my only options being cut open or paralysis? — and even with being cut open I still risk paralysis?”
“Don’t put it that way, Viktor, I have performed this surgery many times before and all of my patients have had successful recoveries. If you don’t go through with it you can risk real nerve damage, and as I said before, you might not be able to walk away from that.”
Viktor frowned. “Is there truly no other way?”
“The way you’ve been treating your arthritis, with extra support and pain management, is the most traditional route. In your case, Viktor, these solutions are not viable anymore. You need something more… permanent.”
Viktor bit the inside of his cheek in anger, “How long is this uh, recovery process?”
Anywhere from two to four months, maybe even a bit more, it all depends on how… your body reacts”
Viktor was silent for a few seconds, gathering his thoughts.
“I think… I think I need some time to think about it.”
She smiled gently, “Of course, I can’t force you, but I strongly suggest you consider the option. Your pain will only get worse, and the instability you felt today will probably become an usual occurrence — also, you might get other symptoms, which could really impact your quality of life.”
The doctor was too direct for Jayce’s liking. Too crude and direct. But maybe that’s exactly what Viktor needed. He needed someone to lay out the reality of his situation in front of him, force him to see the possible consequences behind his inaction.
Jayce understood Viktor’s hesitance, after knowing him for so long, he knew how deeply unsettling medical visits were for Viktor. Everytime he had to attend an appointment or get some kind of treatment, his partner would be left sensitive and upset for days, sometimes even rendering him completely incapacitated for the rest of the day. Mentally, it was incredibly difficult for Viktor. Jayce could only imagine what so much medical trauma could do to a person’s brain.
Viktor couldn’t remember a time in his life that wasn’t marked by pain. His body was plagued with it from the beginning.
When he’d finally gained access to a diagnosis that determined what caused such excruciating pain the simplicity of the doctor’s words surprised him. Spinal arthritis .
Debilitating, mind-numbing pain that sent flashes of agony down his legs. His bad leg, withered and thin and incapable of holding him upright for very long without a brace and a cane, fed the pain in his back by making Viktor’s posture askew and unstable. And the flashes of pain that radiated from his spine, had a reciprocal favourite victim. They fed each other in a sick, symbiotic relationship that made pain a part of Viktor’s daily life.
Viktor had tried to fix his body, with therapies and braces and more pills than he could count. But every day it withered a little more.
His leg had always been his biggest concern. But now he had his spine threatening to let him fall when he least expected it.
He contemplated the surgery.
It wasn’t a solution. Not really. Not in the way he wanted. The surgery meant long weeks of bedrest and even longer weeks of recovery. His spine already felt bad enough as it was, and imagining it being pierced, pinned and splinted with unforgivable metal sent a shiver down his back.
Every winter his leg hurt something fierce, the brace would cool down along with the weather, making his muscles seize with pain — spasming with shivers that racketed his entire body. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like to feel cold metal from inside his body. Inside his spine. The bone would cool down, and the sensitive and overactive nerves of his cervical bone would probably make him twist and writhe in pain.
How was that a solution?
How was nursing a wound the length of his forearm a solution? How was depending on someone entirely, for months, a solution?
Viktor didn’t want it, he didn’t want the pain, didn’t want the humiliation of dependency.
A jolt of self hatred cursed through him, similar to how pain would travel down to settle in his joints on bad pain days — if only he was better.
The nature of his constitution forced him to live a life packed to the brim with pain. Viktor was so full of it he could barely eat.
A promise of an easier time inside his body was the only thing making him consider it. If something like what happened that day is promised to never happen again, then maybe such an invasive and reducing procedure could be worth the anguish.
The doctor had said it would significantly reduce the pain on his back and hips. She also said it would put less stress on his bad leg if his posture improved.
But Viktor was a stubborn, stubborn man. And the thought of being forced to submit to the care of someone who would have access to the most vulnerable parts of himself scared him to tears. Life had not been kind to him, why would it be now?
***
It hadn’t been more than a year since they moved in together. A decade of knowing each other led to a slow romance that melted their insides into slop before they even muttered a word of love to each other. Years spent stealing glances in the lab and sighing at seemingly impossible fantasies before drifting off to sleep.
The walls of Viktor’s academy dorm were drenched with hopeless dreams of a life with his partner. They’d seen him cry and laugh thinking about Jayce.
Viktor had come to terms with himself — his body, long ago. And he had made peace with the fact that Jayce Talis, tall, gorgeous, perfect Jayce Talis, would probably never look his way. So he treasured what he could from their friendship, and he kept it close to his chest, only for him to look at. Silently pining and secretly wishing for things to be different.
For someone so smart, Viktor was clueless.
Jayce fell for his partner mere hours after meeting him. The snarky comments and seemingly boundless intelligence captivated him more than anything he’d ever seen before. But why would a person like Viktor, with such clear ambitions and organized plans, ever look in the way of someone like Jayce?
So Jayce misplaced his attention in a short relationship with someone else, which caused immense damage to Viktor’s already frail self esteem.
It took years for Jayce to realize, and even longer for him to make it right, as Viktor had rapidly buried his feelings for the sake of his mental wellbeing.
So despite knowing, and loving each other for many years, their relationship was relatively new. And their shared place was even more recent — after months of begging, Viktor finally gave in to renting out his own place and finding a bigger apartment that he and Jayce could share.
It had been a process, getting used to living together. But it didn’t take long for them to figure out that they preferred it over living apart. It was convenient, and most of all, it was comfortable. As if they were meant to spend their lives together from the start.
The office, that was supposed to be shared, was mainly claimed by Viktor and his many knickknacks and books. The place was messy with forgotten blueprints, notebooks and half-drank cups of coffee that Jayce would pick up and wash every couple of days. Whenever Viktor wasn’t working himself to the bone at the lab, he was in the office brainstorming. His brain never stopped.
The day after the fall, and the talk with the doctor, Viktor found himself reading about spine surgeries, especially the type the doctor had talked about. Meant to give him stability by fusing a few of his vertebrates together with bolts, plates, rods and screws, reducing the pain of attrition and providing the rest of his body with a sturdy pillar instead of a wobbly stack of weak bones.
The results, despite how gruesome and painful they looked in pictures, were praised by many patients whose lives had been improved. Whose pain had lessened.
Viktor groaned, little by little, he was being made to swallow his pride for the good of his physical integrity. It pissed him off.
Three articles and two blogs in, the light to the studio turned on, making him squint.
“How long have you been here?” Asked Jayce.
Viktor turned the office chair on its wheels to see him and shrugged. The movement of his shoulders made his stiff back hurt.
Jayce smiled softly before walking in. He stopped right in front of Viktor’s chair and placed his hands on his partner’s hair, scratching softly at the scalp.
Viktor’s neck threatened to go limp under the attention. Despite being a person who kept to himself, Viktor craved touch like he had been starved from it.
“What are you reading about?” He asked, seeing the lit up monitor behind Viktor.
“Surgery,” Viktor mumbled.
Jayce hummed, pleased. He didn’t want to push Viktor, so he was glad Viktor was motivating himself to consider the surgery as an option.
“How’s it looking?”
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
Jayce chuckled, he should’ve expected that. “Okay. How’s your back?”
“Still sore.”
“Do you want some muscle cream on it before going to bed?”
“Yes, please.”
The expanse of Viktor’s back was pale and long. Unimaginably thin, and peppered with moles and freckles that resembled constellations. Jayce could see every bone and muscle that laid behind the skin.
It had been shocking at first. The first few times he saw Viktor naked he was afraid he’d break him. But Viktor was sturdier than he looked.
Applying cream and massaging Viktor’s back and legs had become somewhat of a ritual, especially in days in which Viktor had particularly bad flare ups. After peeling off Viktor's braces, being careful not to hurt him, Jayce’s big and warm hands would soothe his withering muscles better than any pill. So with his hands coated in menthol cream, he would trace the length of Viktor’s crooked spine. And deeply massage the tissue of his thighs, making him squirm.
This time he was very gentle, as Viktor’s back was tender. The muscles were strained and his bones were still feeling wobbly. So more than massaging it, he caressed it, painted it with warmth, softly digging the pads of his thumbs next to his spine, dragging them down as if he would be able to straighten it.
Viktor gasped and complained, but completely melted under Jayce’s skilled hands.
“How is it?” Asked Jayce.
“Hurts.”
“Good hurt or bad hurt?”
“Good hurt.”
The pain was that of a knot being released. Muscle being kneaded into submission. The hard and tender tissue would be relaxed until the pain was dull and almost pleasant. Jayce had become good at it after doing it for so many months. His fingers knew where to find tension, and he would quickly dissolve it. Viktor’s muscles would pop and crackle under the pressure.
After gently tending to his back, Jayce moved on to his lover’s legs. By far what had surprised him the most when he first saw them was the thinness of them. Jayce’s hands were able to wrap around Viktor’s thigh almost entirely, leaving only a gap between his thumb and his fingers of about five centimeters. Viktor had trouble gaining weight, and despite Jayce’s best efforts, he couldn’t seem to make him get any meat on his bones.
His hands dug a little more firmly in the flesh of his thighs and his calves, pulling sighs out of Viktor. His thumbs massaged the sensitive tissue behind his knee, releasing the tension that would sometimes accumulate there. Viktor’s leg was usually the one that demanded the most attention, so Jayce had it mapped out by memory.
Before doing this for Viktor, he didn’t know one’s legs could produce so many knots, but after massaging and releasing even the soles of his feet, Jayce learned not to undermine the possibility of accumulated pain in any part of the body.
That night Viktor fell asleep boneless in his partner’s arms. Limp and relaxed, warm with dull pain. Good pain.
That dawn Viktor woke up with an ache so deep it made him flinch. If he ever had worse, he could not remember.
It started with discomfort on the muscles of his back. Jayce’s attention wasn’t enough to keep the pain down for the whole night. The dried up cream felt uncomfortable and useless coating his skin. He tossed and turned trying to find a position in which his back could rest, taking some distance from Jayce’s warm body so as to not wake him with his movement.
Viktor spent hours drifting off and waking up, in a weird state that wasn’t quite asleep or awake, but at an uncomfortable point in between. A few hours before sunrise Viktor felt it, a pain nested deep in the bones of his spine, right at the curve, below his rib cage, exactly where he’d felt it shift and move the day prior.
It was almost as if his bones were grinding against each other, chipping little pieces off of each other, leaving sharp shards of bone to dig and scratch at the nerves surrounding them.
He writhed and whined loudly, unintentionally. He sucked in a sharp breath, the movement made his pain a lot worse. He tried to get up to grab something that could reduce his pain — the amount of medications Viktor had stashed away were enough to supply a small pharmacy.
When he tried to stand, his good leg, his only real support, refused to cooperate, seemingly fused with the joint of his hip. The attempt added to his pain, making not only his back scream with agony, but his hip to complain loudly. The types of pain were so different it gave him whiplash, while the pain in his back was deep and sharp, settling in his bones, the pain of his hip bled through his joint, making his muscles tense enough to make them unmovable.
A locked hip.
It had only happened to him once before, a few months ago after getting a little too excited in bed with Jayce, deciding to be on top to change things up. It had been enjoyable and thrilling to take control — his hips disagreed, and the next day he found himself unable to move his legs more than a few centimeters, his hips were completely locked. Jayce learned quickly enough to provide abundant aftercare every single time Viktor overexerted himself.
His movement and noise alerted Jayce.
Before the sun was even up his lover was already fretting over him, asking him what hurt and what he could do to help him.
It made Viktor want to scream.
“M– My hips,” He groaned.
“What’s wrong with them?”
“I think— they’re locked,” He whined.
“Should I take you to the hospital?”
Viktor gasped at the suggestion, “What? No! Just— Just get me something for the pain?”
Jayce frowned, but he knew better than to push.
Viktor spent the day flat on his back, feeling sorry for himself, and guilty for making Jayce stay home with him too. His boyfriend refused to leave him alone, let alone when he was in so much pain.
Jayce tended to his every need, cooking for him and holding him upright so he could bathe, bringing him books and notes and keeping him company as he read. It was similar to their routine during a bad flare up, except the day felt heavy with thoughts of the future, and miserable with physical dependency. This pain was not normal, they didn’t know how to deal with it, and they didn’t know what it meant.
Jayce had suggested they visit the doctor again, just to consult with her. But Viktor refused.
The situation was truly frustrating, aside from the pain, the knowledge that he couldn’t do anything to make it better until it passed made Viktor’s eyes sting.
His body tingled with the humiliation of dependency. And if just a day relying on Jayce made him feel like this, he couldn’t imagine how months of recovery would feel like.
His spine hurt like it never had before. Yet again feeling watery and weak, like a pod about to burst. And its pain was not isolated but bleeding and seeping into other parts of his lower body.
The pain came and went in waves, giving Viktor windows of time in which he thought it would finally subside, just for it to start over again. It felt like he was constantly crashing against the ground, standing up just so he could fall again.
The time at the lab became unbearable, no chair or stool could keep him pain-free and upright for long enough. Leaning on his cane became torture, and concentrating was becoming more and more difficult. Whatever little sleep he used to be able to get before became almost nonexistent. The nights were the worst, as if the weight of the whole day would finally settle on the weak joints of his spine, threatening to break it. He could no longer sleep curled up on his side, hugging his lover, but he was forced to lay flat, away from his partner’s warmth and comfort. His neck hurt and the little hours of sleep were miserable and unpleasant. Restless.
Viktor broke sooner than anyone expected. No pain he had ever experienced rendered him so useless.
It wasn’t the solution he wanted. But maybe it was what he needed.