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“Could’ve told me the truth. Woulda helped you anyway.”
So Mi wakes in a cold sweat, lurching up into a sitting position and flinging her blankets off of her – feeling all at once like she’s burning up and like each individual thread of the blanket on her skin is cutting her like a blade.
Shaking fingers push through her hair until the base of her palms both rest on her forehead, eyes squeezed shut as she tightens her fingers, pulling on her hair.
It hurts.
She barely notices.
Her breathing is labored and rattling and it’s not just her hands trembling, she realizes – it’s her entire body, shaking like a leaf in the wind as she flings her blankets the rest of the way off and throws her legs over the edge of her bed. When her feet hit the cool floor she has to brace herself on the wall, her knees threatening to buckle.
Slowly, So Mi manages to walk to the bathroom – muscles trembling and breathing rattling.
She turns on the sink and splashes ice-cold water on her face a few times, leaning over and bracing her hands on the cool metal countertop. The mirror taunts her – she can’t look up, can’t meet her own eyes and see the guilt and horror she knows she’ll find there.
Nine words.
Nine words that haunted her nightmares and confirmed everything she had known ever since the balcony, since she...
“ I understand you, believe you, know what it’s like to fight for your life. Every minute of it.”
No – it was before then. So Mi knew it before that conversation on the balcony, she just didn’t want to believe it. Didn’t want to listen. Didn’t want to listen after that conversation either, because she’d lied – again – and if she’d listened to that little voice inside her that would mean she –
So Mi felt a rush of heat in her stomach and throat and her knees finally buckled as she collapsed to the floor, dragging herself quickly over to the toilet as hot, acidic bile filled her throat. Ugly retching echoed off the tile walls as sweat dripped down the back of her neck, her knuckles porcelain-white to match the toilet she was gripping onto.
The nightmares were nothing new. She had them about so, so many people.
But this one...
So Mi had been so, so sure she could never betray anyone else as badly as she’d betrayed Solomon Reed. Her mentor. Friend. Maybe even the closest thing she had to a father, or an older brother.
The nightmares about Sol had always been the worst. So Mi had thought it couldn’t get more harrowing than that.
She’d been so, so wrong.
For years – nearly a decade – she’d done so well. She’d kept everyone out, prevented anyone from breaching her emotional walls after what she’d done to Sol. He was far, far from the last person she’d lied to, betrayed, backstabbed – but he was supposed to be the last friend.
Then she had to show up.
It was supposed to be simple. Easy.
The Relic was supposed to be nothing more than a way to provide a completely secure line of communication, a way to bring someone in to save Myers that Hansen wouldn’t be able to easily trace back to So Mi, so she could still get her hands on the Cynosure tech without handing the NUS President over to Dogtown’s dictator.
So Mi might not’ve cared much for Myers in the end but she deserved better than whatever Kurt Hansen would inevitably have planned for her.
That was it.
Of course it shouldn’t have been much of a surprise when it all went to shit pretty much immediately. The missiles, the crash – So Mi should’ve expected Hansen to pull something like that. It meant she had to lean on – on her even more, and once it became clear that Hansen wasn’t going to let So Mi out of this alive...
It was either go back to the FIA with her tail tucked between her legs...or make one last gambit for her freedom.
So Mi wonders, sometimes, if she regrets asking that question.
“You’re in this because you understand me...or because I promised to save your life?”
At the time she – she didn’t really know why she was asking that question. It didn’t really serve a purpose, either way her plan was proceeding – why was that exact motivation so important for her to know?
No.
No, she’s just lying to herself again. Now and then.
So Mi knew exactly why she was asking that question.
Because somehow, for the first time since Solomon Reed, So Mi was planning to betray a friend. And she wanted – needed to know if it was all in her head or…
Another round of retching echoed off the tile.
The corners of So Mi’s eyes stung and her eyes felt hot – her vision blurred and her cheeks grew wet.
~~~
The nightmare goes like this.
So Mi is back on the maglev train and she’s dying. The final push, the hack to the stadium, everything she needed to do to get through NCX to even get on this train in the first place, all that use of the Blackwall...
Ironic, wasn’t it? That she might die right at the finish line, scant feet – inches maybe – away from the ribbon?
She’d almost laugh if she wasn’t so bone-tired and in so much pain she couldn’t process much beyond it.
Then her mouth is moving – she’s spilling her guts now because the guilt...
Fuck, God, the guilt...
It’s been slowly growing heavier since the balcony, that heavy pressure on her chest, until it started to restrict her breathing and crack her ribs. Close up her throat and squeeze like a fist of titanium around her heart.
It’s too much now because it might all be for nothing – she’s dying anyway at this point and the guilt is overwhelming so what is there left to do but spill it all.
If nothing else, So Mi will rest knowing that she gave the cure away to the right person. She just needs to give So Mi up to Reed, to the FIA, and they’ll use the cure on her.
She deserves it.
More than So Mi does, anyway.
But then – then there’s those words.
Those nine words that feel like nine daggers slowly sliding between So Mi’s ribs.
“Could’ve told me the truth. Woulda helped you anyway.”
Because God, it’s everything she wanted and dreaded all at once. It’s a confirmation and a condemnation, salvation and damnation. It is absolution and it is obliteration.
‘I know,’ is what So Mi sobs out in her mind.
But she can’t say the words out loud because her throat has closed up and her body is shutting down – she doesn’t even have the energy to cry, to release the hurricane maelstrom of emotions that those words have released, forming a key to a cage that So Mi had so carefully constructed to keep it all locked up because it would do nothing but hurt and yet here it was, raging inside of her with nowhere to go.
But she knows.
God, she knows.
It fades then and somehow this part is worse because So Mi wants to scream. Her memories are vague and barely present but her dreams are vivid and soaked in rain and blood as she watches from outside her body, watches as her body is lifted – and it’s so tender and it’s soft, even now, even after everything the way she looks at So Mi is so, so achingly soft – and slowly carried out of the train.
Then she’s put down and something happens.
It’s different every time.
So Mi only remembers hearing vague shouting but her dreams conjure up so many horrible things.
A squadron of NUS Special Forces, cutting her down as she barely manages to get So Mi in the shuttle in time before a hail of bullets rip her to shreds.
Her collapsing outside the door of the shuttle, clutching her head and screaming as the Relic drives knives into her nervous system and stops her heart.
Every time, it’s something visceral and ugly as she gives up her life for So Mi and So Mi is left to do nothing but scream impotently as she watches her die, screaming for her to stop, to give up, to save herself because So Mi isn’t worth it, she’s never been worth this.
The worst one is when it’s Sol.
Sol, gun in hand, forcing her to choose.
So Mi begs, pleads, cries for her to save herself, save her own life because God, God she’s already given up so much for So Mi and please, please let So Mi give her back this one thing to maybe, in some small way, repent for her litany of blood-dripping sins.
But it’s only a dream and she can’t hear So Mi’s pleading, and there is only two pistols and a single gunshot ringing out through the rainfall.
Sometimes, So Mi can feel it in her gut that this one – this is the one that really happened.
That in exchange for So Mi’s life, she must pay with the lives of the two people dearest to her.
And then those nine words echo in her mind again as she wakes up.
Screaming.
~~~
So Mi doesn’t look her up.
Even after she’s recovered, which takes time all on its own, she can’t bear it.
It’s supposed to make the guilt easier, not knowing, but it only makes it worse. Because from the moment she arrives to the clinic to the moment she walks out of it a free woman is two weeks. So Mi is weak, yes, and has strict instructions for lots of bed rest and to keep any net dives close to the surface for the next two or three months, but she’s free and the Blackwall poison purged from her mind and her blood.
And she doesn’t look her up.
Avoids looking at any headline news that has to do with Night City, on the off-chance that it’s something to do with her.
Two weeks.
It was only two weeks, and as much as So Mi tries not to think about it she can’t help but know that there’s still a chance she’s alive, a chance that she’s still out there, fighting for her life.
So Mi could help.
She might not be a WMD on two legs now but she’s still a damn good ‘runner and knows things – knows so, so many things that might be useful, and if nothing else she’s a warm body that can absorb a few bullets to buy a bit more time, and So Mi comes so, so close to making that call because even though all of her old services and numbers are deactivated she stared at her contact enough times that the number is practically burned onto the inside of her eyelids.
But what if?
What if two weeks was too late, and she’s dead and gone now?
Or worse what if the number is picked up and it’s not her at all and it’s Him.
And possibly worst of all...
What if it’s Her?
What if she does pick up?
What then?
No.
So Mi knows that she’s a coward, and the knowledge sits in her stomach like a stone, but she can’t. Each time she reaches the precipice of making the call she gets halfway through dialing the number before stopping herself and doing whatever it takes to just stop thinking for the rest of the day.
~~~
It’s two months after she walks out of the clinic when she gets a postcard.
So Mi has made a small life for herself on Luna now, and Tycho isn’t that bad, really. A bit too reminiscent of Night City sometimes in a way that crawls like termites beneath So Mi’s skin but...
Maybe she deserves it. To live in a pale echo, to be forever reminded of what she did to be where she is now, breathing, heart beating, mind clean of Blackwall poison.
The nightmares are still there. They aren’t every night, but they’re most nights.
And she still can’t think the name to herself, even if she hears her voice and can almost remember the warmth of her arms.
So Mi is arriving back to her apartment in the evening after a day of work – she has a day job now, a normal one, working basic net security for various local businesses – and she sees it, stuck into the crack between her door and the wall.
Gingerly, she takes it out and looks at the front picture, first, her brow furrowing in a slight frown.
Arizona.
What?
Something cold trickles down her spine like melting ice-water and suddenly she’s locked up, her jaw clenched and heart pounding in her ears and throat, stomach churning. She’s scared to turn it over and finds her wrist and arm locked up.
So Mi can just tell, somehow, that it might not be from her – but it’s to do with her.
She has no idea how whoever sent this found her, or how they knew about...
So Mi shoves the postcard into her jacket and shoves her door open, slamming it behind her as she blazes through the kitchen, grabbing a huge bottle of vodka and twisting it open, chugging down several large gulps – wincing and gasping as the alcohol burns her throat, her eyes stinging with tears as she clumsily slams the bottle so hard onto the countertop she’s shocked it doesn’t shatter then and there.
She’s too chipped up for alcohol to really do anything to her at this point but it still serves to dull her mind a little bit and she’ll take what she can get, now.
Her knees buckle before she realizes what’s happening and her back is against her refrigerator, the postcard clutched tightly in her hand as she stares at the image of orange badlands illuminated by a setting sun, the words ‘The Grand Canyon’ in a loopy font with golden letters overlaid across the top.
So Mi isn’t sure how long she sits there staring at it before she eventually turns it over, but it feels like hours.
She was right.
It wasn’t from Her.
But it was about Her.
The words are tiny and a bit cramped, but the handwriting is neat and So Mi is still able to read it all.
~
Johnny’s gone.
By the time you get this, she probably has between four and five months left.
I don’t know the details of what happened between you two, because she only ever mentioned you a few times, but something told me I should contact you.
Here’s my number if you want to talk.
- Misty
~
So Mi didn’t know a ‘Misty’ but the two words at the top of the postcard sent a bolt of electricity through her entire nervous system.
‘Johnny’s gone.’
Before she could even fully process what was happening her thumb was clumsily dialing the number scratched out in ballpoint pen on the postcard, her eyes lighting up with a gentle blue as the holo began to hum.
It rang three times before it was picked up, and the image greeting her was a young woman with a thick blonde bob and wearing heavy makeup. So Mi felt her heart nearly stop in her chest, wondering who exactly this woman was and how she knew Her and she was already regretting calling and…
“Hello, Misty’s Esoterica how can I help you?”
So Mi’s throat is dry.
For a few moments she wonders if she’s forgotten how to speak English, and part of her is tempted to just hang up but another part of her, one that’s been caged up for weeks and has been screaming the whole time won’t go away again so easily and in response to a second, slightly confused ‘Hello?’ So Mi finally manages to rasp out a few words.
“Are you Misty? I uh...I got your postcard.”
The blonde woman – Misty – blinks a few times in surprise.
“Oh! Then you’re So Mi? Or – should I call you Songbird?”
So Mi winces and grimaces at the sound of her old handle.
“So Mi is fine,” she rasps out quietly.
Misty just nods in response.
There’s a silence now but it’s not awkward – at least, Misty doesn’t look awkward or unsure. She’s sitting down and reading a book, So Mi thinks, and she looks completely at ease, like she’s giving So Mi the space to think about what to say.
“He’s really gone? She’s...?” So Mi eventually says, needing to know – needing to know that she hadn’t completely damned Her, that there was hope even if the postcard said she only had months left...
“It was a close thing, I think,” Misty said quietly, not looking up from her book. “She was almost too late. But yes. Johnny is gone, and the biochip is no longer actively killing her.”
So Mi is so, so grateful that Misty doesn’t say Her name. She wonders if it’s on purpose or a coincidence but it’s been so long since she even thought the name in her mind – let alone heard it spoken out loud as a name – and she couldn’t handle it. Not now. Not yet.
“You said...” So Mi said, pausing and wetting her chapped and cracking lips with the tip of her tongue. “You said she has between four and five months. What...what happened? Where is she? Is she...?”
Misty doesn’t answer right away after So Mi trails off, and she still doesn’t look up from her book. After a few minutes though she closes it and moves – walking over somewhere and So Mi can hear the sound of items being moved around as Misty grabs for something, and she hears the ruffling of...cards?
“She doesn’t know I found you, let alone sent you that postcard,” Misty said in a conversational tone – as if So Mi hadn’t even asked her questions. “I’m not going to ask you what happened between the two of you because I have a feeling that’s more her story to tell than yours. At least when it comes to me knowing about it. But can I ask you a question, So Mi?”
“I...yes. Sure,” So Mi mumbles.
“She only mentioned you to me three times,” Misty hummed quietly. “Once was very offhanded and quick when New York came up in conversation and she said something about Brooklyn. And you. Then she got very quiet and didn’t talk much for an hour or so. The second time was when she brought a piece of cyberware in for Viktor to install, and she didn’t so much mention you directly to me as I happened to be present when Vik asked her where she got it, and her answer was very...vague. And while Vik was examining it she was holding this pin in her hand and just staring at it, rubbing her thumb on it over and over again. A pin of the moon. I asked her what she was thinking about, and she just said, very quietly ‘I just...hope she’s okay, is all.’”
So Mi bit the inside of her cheek as her eyes grew hot and blurry again.
“The third time was right before she left Night City,” Misty said, tucking some hair behind her ear. “She asked me if I could do a tarot reading for someone else, and I told her I could but it wouldn’t be as accurate or as helpful if I didn’t know them. She asked me to do it anyway and when I asked who it was for and to tell me a little bit about them...she told me it was you. ‘Song So Mi’, she said. And the whole time I did the reading she was holding that pin again, running her thumb over it over, and over, and over again.”
So Mi could barely breathe.
“When?” she barely managed to whisper.
“She left two weeks ago. Johnny’s been gone about a month now,” Misty said quietly.
So Mi gave a small nod as she started processing everything she was hearing. She could barely breathe and she was certain she could taste iron in the back of her throat – her heart was hammering at her ribcage like it wanted to burst free and make for Tycho Spaceport all on its own.
“...why?” So Mi whispered after several minutes of quiet.
“Hm?”
“The postcard...why?”
Misty looked pensive for a moment, and So Mi heard the rhythmic sound of fingers tapping as she thought.
“Sometimes I get feelings,” Misty said quietly. “Just...hunches, urges. This vague idea of...knowing that there’s something I need to do. A few days after I did that reading for her about you, I got one of those feelings – told me I should find you, sort of. At least to know where you were.”
“Okay...” So Mi said, coughing slightly. She was starting to feel a little more...grounded as the conversation went on. Either that or she was just giving into the madness and she’d have a proper nervous breakdown after the holo was hung up. “How...how did you find me, anyway? I’m not…”
“Well, I didn’t. Rogue did,” Misty said with a little frown. “I guess I must have...come up in conversation a few times between Rogue and...you know. So Rogue knew who I was and when I asked if she could find you, she asked me why. I told her, and...she didn’t even charge me. Just told me to come back in a week. I did, and she gave me a shard with an address on Luna. Tycho Lunar Colony, to be specific. I had just gotten the postcards, she sent me one that she wrote on and a bunch of blank ones with different pictures. I told her to keep in touch while she was out on the road, so...I took one of the blank postcards and...sent it off. Wasn’t sure how long it would take to get to Tycho but I’m glad it was quick.”
So Mi nodded, frowning.
“You...still haven’t told me why,” she mumbled.
“Honestly? I’m not really sure myself,” Misty sighed heavily. “I just...want to help her, you know? She’s one of my best friends. Being untangled from Johnny was supposed to fix things, and…”
Another heavy sigh and a slight shake of her head, her blonde hair bobbing a little with the movement.
“It’s not really my place to share all that,” Misty said quietly. “But she deserved more than six months. I know she’s looking and she’s got friends helping her but...”
Misty finally looked up at So Mi again – her eyes hard in a way that didn’t seem to suit her, lips pursed pensively, brow furrowed.
“My question, that I wanted to ask you…” Misty said, slowly. “It was clear that...she cared about you. A lot. Even though you only came up three times between me and her, I could...tell. My question is...do you care about her, too, So Mi?”
“Yes,” is the word that falls from So Mi’s lips without a beat of space between Misty’s words and the response, but it’s in So Mi’s chest that so many more words are screaming to get out. Words that are half-formed, sentiments and feelings that are both too big and too wild to fully comprehend. It’s guilt, yes – guilt and a debt owed and a promise broken but it’s also so, so much more and ‘Yes’ might be the truth but it’s also not even close to enough.
Misty just nods, and some of the tension in her shoulders bleeds away.
“...She needs all the friends she can get right now, So Mi,” Misty said quietly after a few moments of silence. “Whatever it is between you two that’s kept you apart...I know she’d be happy to see you.”
The concept of engaging with that statement threatens to shatter So Mi into a thousand pieces like glass so she sweeps it under a rug, hides it and locks it away before taking a deep, rattling breath and asking a question of her own instead of directly responding to Misty.
“Where?”
But maybe that question is response enough, as the corners of Misty’s mouth lift slightly with her answer.
“Not sure at the moment, they might still be in Arizona somewhere. She’s with Panam Palmer and the Aldecaldos, the Nomad clan? They plan to roam the continent looking for anyone and everyone who might be able to help her, the Aldecaldos have a lot of contacts.”
The Aldecaldos – So Mi knows of the clan. One of the much more prominent and storied clans, their trail shouldn’t be too hard to pick up and follow, but that means...
That would mean...
So Mi takes a breath.
“Okay,” she said quietly.
“Should I tell her anything?” Misty asked softly.
So Mi shakes her head. She hasn’t even decided whether or not she’s going to do anything which is another lie because the decision was made the moment So Mi heard she was alive, that there was hope, but even after all this time lying is like breathing for So Mi both to herself and the people around her and she just...that would be too much. There’s nothing to tell, nothing to say.
“ Okay,” Misty said, soft and gentle. “Would you like me to do a reading for you? Doing it over the holo isn’t as effective as in person but...”
“...sure,” So Mi whispered. She was never really one to believe in the esoteric, but...
Maybe she was just desperate for something, anything to give her some form of guidance right now because So Mi had never felt more lost in her life than in this moment on her kitchen floor, face streaked with tears and a postcard clutched in her hand.
There’s the sound of cards being mixed and shuffled and Misty began laying them out, one by one.
“Past, present, and future,” came the quiet tones of Misty’s voice. “Past is...the Hierophant, reversed. The reversed Hierophant is generally tied in with...something being stifling or constraining, you were tied down. Feeling caged, maybe – and you were desperate to fly free. Whatever your actions were to escape this cage is what leads into the now...”
“Could’ve told me the truth. Woulda helped anyway.”
So Mi bites the inside of her cheek hard enough to taste blood.
“The present... Death. You have flown free of your cage and you now exist simultaneously in a state between the ending of one chapter and the blank page of a new one, where you have yet to choose what to write. Infinite potential...but only infinite until the words begin to form on the page. Which words will you choose, So Mi? I wonder...”
“And finally, the future...the Tower. Reversed. That’s interesting...the Tower usually means a sudden upheaval of change, a drastic and often violent shattering of what is to make room for what will be. Reversed, however, the Tower represents the...stifling, of such violent upheaval. To avert disaster. And since it’s for the future that means it isn’t set in stone...something is coming, So Mi. And your choices will shape whether or not your new chapter is one of disaster...or one where it’s avoided. It’s up to you, in the end.”
“That...was much less comforting than I was hoping for,” So Mi whispered out, swallowing and feeling the dryness of her throat.
“Mm.”
“...I – I should...go,” So Mi coughs, pushing a hand through her hair and leaning back, staring up at the ceiling.
“Okay. You know where to find me, if...you need anything.”
“...yeah.”
Before So Mi hangs up she locks her bottom lip between her teeth. Closes her eyes for a moment.
“Misty?”
“Hm?”
“...thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
So Mi hangs up the holo and blindly reaches back to the countertop for the vodka.
~~~~~
It takes her another week and a half to make her decision, along with several further bottles of liquor, with each night being dominated by the nightmares that have swelled with a vengeance.
And there’s new ones, now.
It’s no longer just the nightmares of a life being sacrificed, now they’re interspersed with nightmares of So Mi coming face to face with her betrayal and having it thrown in her face. Painfully, violently. Sometimes with fists, sometimes with words. Often with both.
And it never ends well.
The nightmares are full of screaming about “You did this to me” and “I never should have put you on that shuttle” and “You shouldn’t have come here.”
So Mi can count the hours of restful sleep she gets in this week and a half on two hands.
But each day that passes only makes the guilt heavier, and heavier, and soon the guilt outweighs the fear and So Mi has a ticket for departure from the Tycho Spaceport.
It’s a one-way ticket, and she doesn’t bother packing much of a bag.
One way or the other she’s not coming back to Tycho. That much, she’s certain of by the time she’s walking out the door and closing it behind her. She drops the keys on the hallway floor as she walks away, eyes lighting up faintly as she casually slips into the complex’s subnet and scrubs everything about her from their records.
She did the same with her day job a day after quitting.
Then she’s sitting on a shuttle, feeling numb and frozen as she makes her way back to Earth.
So Mi doesn’t know what she’s going to find when she arrives, but something settles in her as the shuttle takes off – something that she knew in the depths of her soul ever since she woke up in the clinic, free of Blackwall poison. The knowledge, deep inside of her, that her life no longer belonged to her anymore – that this life, the life she tried to live on Tycho, was something borrowed.
Stolen.
Her skin felt wrong and alien, her daily routine was like a waking dream and the only thing that was real were nightmares with nine soul-piercing words repeated almost like a screwed-up mantra now.
She’d hidden from it, smothered it, tried to convince herself that this was fine, to keep putting one foot in front of the other like nothing was wrong. To go to work, get paid, eat, sleep, bathe, repeat ad infinitum.
Now though, for the first time since waking up in the clinic, that feeling began to settle. To slowly bleed away. So Mi’s life might not belong to her, but that was okay, because she was going to fix things – to make it right. This wasn’t her life and if she could pluck it out of her chest and hand it, raw, bloody and beating, to the person to whom it was owed she would without a drop of hesitation. But instead she would settle for the next best thing, and something started to coalesce and form in her gut, something foreign that she never thought she’d have again.
A purpose.
And as the shuttle drew closer and closer to Earth, that purpose grew more and more solid. Firm. It was surrounded by a maelstrom of fear and nausea, of nerves and guilt and bile, but it weathered it all and remained.
~~~~~
Tracking the Aldecaldos was exactly as easy as So Mi knew it would be.
Arasaka was tracking them too, but Arasaka was in shambles – it was too busy putting out thousands of its own fires to actually do anything with the information but if Arasaka was able to track the Aldecaldo’s path through North America, for So Mi it was as simple as tying shoelaces.
But just because she could track them didn’t mean she was ready to find them.
Instead So Mi kept behind their trail intentionally by a few days – following the trail of data and word-of-mouth, finding all the places they stopped and the contacts they met. But it was a specific, narrow sliver of that data and those contacts that So Mi was paying attention to – the rippers. Ripperdocs, medical facilities, researchers.
All of them with their own notes and documentation, their own data – scans and tests, all to do with Her. Her condition, as the Aldecaldos roamed North America looking for someone to help fix Her.
And as So Mi followed behind them, she collated the data herself, put it all together and pored over it for hours, days, nights, weeks. It consumed her, dominated her mind every waking hour and even through what little sleep she got that wasn’t swamped in screams and blood and knives made from words.
It became an obsession as she scraped the Net for everything she could, delving deeper than she had since coming out of the clinic and touching parts of the Net that the Aldecaldos and their contacts didn’t know of. She could tap into top-secret research and classified documents, finding data and information worth potentially millions of eddies – tasks she’d performed many many times but without the Blackwall at her back she only had her own skill to rely on when it came to slipping through the kind of ICE these facilities employed.
One wrong move and she would fry, especially given that her ‘on-the-go’ Netrunning setup was...less than ideal.
Thankfully, even without the Blackwall So Mi was still good.
Very, very, very good.
~
With the Relic no longer actively overwriting and damaging Her DNA and nervous system, the problem was now the existing damage and the fact that Her body was still fighting itself to some degree. The Relic being dormant meant things weren’t getting actively worse, but Her own body was putting them on a clock.
They were essentially dealing with a version of multiple sclerosis that was induced from an outside source rather than being naturally developed within the body – but it was still, functionally identical to MS.
Except there were no treatments for MS, let alone a cure, outside of highly experimental, prohibitively expensive ones – ones that would cost hundreds of thousands of eddies a month. Unsustainable for any nomad or merc, even one with Her notoriety.
Then there was the existing brain damage from the bullet that first killed Her and activated the Relic to everything else suffered between then and now, but that was the easy part – still expensive but using cybernetic tech to reconstruct those parts of the brain would be child’s play for the right rippers for the right amount of cash.
The issue was the pseudo-MS.
So Mi was smart – incredibly so, if she was going to allow herself some vanity and arrogance – but even she wasn’t about to fool herself into thinking she could single-handedly develop a cure for MS in four months.
But she kept following a few days behind the Aldecaldos, kept gathering data, and kept digging.
~~~~~
The timer has ticked down to three months when So Mi has a breakthrough.
One of the researchers the Aldecaldos stopped at a week ago had something no one else did, at least, not in a place So Mi could snatch it up.
The blueprints and documentation behind the Relic 2.0 tech.
So Mi spent three days barely sleeping as she pored over every bit of data about the tech, trying to synthesize it with everything she had so far – and she hit on an idea that she was...fairly certain no one else the Aldecaldos had met with had theorized yet.
All the notes she was reading from the rippers and medical staff the Aldecaldos visited were treating Her condition exactly like MS – because functionally, that’s what it was. The Aldecaldos were getting the same answer everywhere they went.
“It’s an extremely aggressive and advanced variant of MS. The only treatments available are experimental and out of your price range.”
Except it wasn’t MS. It acted like MS, did the same damage as MS, but crucially – crucially – it was not MS.
For the first time in a long, long while – So Mi felt the sparks of something that could be something like hope in her chest.
~~~
She meets Panam Palmer before she comes face to face with Her again.
Two weeks after her breakthrough she knows she can’t stay away anymore – while she could achieve her solution on her own, it would go faster if she had help, more eyes and hands. And the Aldecaldos can give her those eyes and hands, or at least they would know how to connect her with those eyes and hands.
And they were running out of their own hope, too.
Their trail was thinning out. They were visiting less rippers, less doctors.
No solution had been given to them, and time was running out – and with it, their hope.
So Mi could tell, she could sense it – and she knew she had to find them.
She wasn’t ready to see Her again.
So Mi wasn’t sure if she ever would be.
She catches up with the Aldecaldos, who have made camp a few miles away from the closest city. It looks to be one of their longer-term camps, which makes something in So Mi’s stomach clench – yet another sign that they’re losing hope, if they’re starting to stay in one place longer.
It’s not as simple as just approaching, because she’s stiff and paralyzed with nerves every time she even so much as thinks about driving closer to the camp.
What would she even say? How would she say it?
She couldn’t just – just walk up and say that she might be able to save Her life. That she might have...something.
Because...there’s just no way that She would believe So Mi a second time. So Mi’s conversation with Misty, months in the past now, echoes faintly in the edges of her mind – words about choices, about friends, about....
No.
There’s just no way.
It’s impossible. So Mi will have to – have to figure out a way to contact them without getting Her involved.
She’s on the second day of deliberating how to do this when the Aldecaldos solve this problem for her – a heavy Thornton driving up to her own little camper packed to the gills with tech and Netrunning gear, doors slamming loudly as two sets of boots – one man, one woman – hit the rocky, arid soil.
So Mi saves them the trouble of knocking on her camper’s door and just opens it ahead of time, sitting down in the threshold – feet resting on the ground as they approach her.
~
“You’ve been following us.”
It’s not really a question – just a statement, said by the man. He’s got short black hair and a neutral expression, beady eyes and a black cyberarm that’s crossed over his chest as he looks at So Mi.
She doesn’t miss how his eyes flick to the tech behind her that’s visible through the open door – doesn’t miss how even though he might appear relaxed to the untrained eye, he’s ready to go for the iron at his hip at the slightest sign of violence.
The woman is far more open with her demeanor – she’s openly suspicious, one hand cocked on her hip as she looks between So Mi, the camper, and the truck So Mi drives to pull it.
There’s an old instinct that has lies and falsehoods on her lips and tongue before she can even take a breath and So Mi has to actively pinch her thigh and pause to collect herself to prevent the lies from being spoken aloud.
“I have,” is what she eventually says instead.
“Why?” the woman asks brusquely, open suspicion written all over her face as she fixes So Mi with a stare.
“To help,” So Mi says. Quietly. Softly.
“Help with what? Are you from Arasaka?” the woman asks snappily, shifting her weight slightly. “Whatever deal you’re here with, we’ve told you before and we’ll tell you again. We’re not interested, and we’re not giving her up, we don’t care about whatever you have to offer.”
The man next to her just offers a tight nod in agreement.
So Mi blinks and can’t stop the confusing surge of warmth and bile in her chest and throat.
Warmth because she’s so, so relieved that She is with a group of people so obviously loyal, so dedicated to keeping her safe.
Bile because it’s something So Mi should’ve done, and didn’t do.
“I’m...not from Arasaka, no,” So Mi replies. Then she stands up, pulling herself wearily to her feet and walking into her camper.
The two Aldecaldos follow her in, accepting the unknown invitation as So Mi sits down in her chair and kicks off the floor, sliding over to one of her setups and bringing up the most crucial and relevant pieces of data onto several of her monitors.
“It’s not MS,” is what she says first as the man is the one to step a bit closer, looking over the screens with comprehension while the woman stays a few steps back and looks at them more in befuddlement. “It acts like MS but it’s not MS and that little hiccup is what’s preventing your contacts from figuring out how to help her.”
So Mi pulls up the Relic blueprints and some of the documentation displaying the skeleton of her own theory, her own solution, and starts talking. Whether it’s out of shock or because they can tell she genuinely means them no harm, the two nomads don’t press her – they listen. The man is the one making the most sense of what So Mi is saying but there’s parts he doesn’t understand. Meanwhile the woman has stopped looking at the screens and the tech and is only looking at So Mi, eyes narrowed like she’s trying to solve a puzzle.
An hour later So Mi is exhausted and her throat is sore and her eyes are drooping, but the man – Mitch, his name is Mitch – is taking the datashard she’s offered him and closing his fist carefully around it, staring at her with something almost like gratitude in his eyes.
“I think I know a few people who can help you with this,” Mitch says, his voice softening from his earlier clipped tones. “And if this...if this works, the Aldecaldos will owe you a debt we can’t ever repay. Thank you.”
So Mi shakes her head, because the only debt here is something that one datashard and a few months of research could never even hope to repay, but that’s not something she can say out loud in words so instead she chooses to simply say; “I just want to help.”
Mitch is the first to leave but the woman is still staring at So Mi, and it’s when So Mi meets her eyes for the first time and holds them for a moment that she speaks again.
“Why are you doing this?” the woman asks – still sounding suspicious, but it’s a different kind of suspicion, something protective and territorial. “Who even are you? How do you have all this information?”
“I’m just...paying back a debt,” is what So Mi says raspily after a few moments of silence. “Cleaning a small bit of red out of my ledger. That’s all.”
The woman stares at her for a few moments longer before giving a slow nod, holding her hand out.
“I’m Panam, by the way.”
“....So Mi.”
So Mi shakes Panam’s hand, and doesn’t miss the flicker of recognition in her eyes. Panam doesn’t say anything though and turns to leave, speaking over her shoulder.
“Don’t go far. We’ll come to you when we’ve arranged for the people and gear to make this work, alright?”
“Sure,” So Mi sighs.
As Panam is about to step away from the camper, So Mi speaks up.
“Panam?”
Panam stops. Turns and looks at So Mi.
Waits.
So Mi wets her lips and averts her eyes.
“Don’t...say anything to her. Not...not yet.”
Panam wants to ask, So Mi can see it written all over her face, but she doesn’t. Just gives a slow nod and closes the camper door behind her.
It’s only when So Mi hears the engine of the Thornton rolling away that her shoulders sag in relief and she slumps over onto her desk, head resting in a nest of folded arms. That was the most conversation she’s had with another human being in months, and it was utterly draining.
When So Mi slips into a deep sleep a few moments later, it is the longest sleep she’s had since the clinic without a single nightmare to speak of.
~~~
Panam comes back two days later – without news or information, but with questions. Questions written all over her face and in her eyes, but she’s biting her tongue on them as she holds a case of beer out towards So Mi. A silent offering that So Mi accepts, stepping outside her camper and sitting down on a large rock across from Panam as the two of them drink.
It takes them both a beer and a half before one of them speaks up – Panam, finally unable to keep the most burning of her questions back any longer.
“You’re that So Mi, right?”
It’s not the question Panam really wants to ask, but it’s also a question that So Mi was hoping not to answer, because it means that something real is happening. Misty’s words about Her hinted at it, but that was months ago and by now things could have changed, So Mi could’ve been forgotten about, swept aside.
But Panam asking this question means that So Mi exists, still, in some way over there in the Aldecaldos camp. That there is something real, that it’s not just all in So Mi’s mind and memories and nightmares.
“Yeah,” So Mi says before downing the rest of her second beer, because there isn’t really another way to answer that question and she’s so, so tired of lying.
Panam nods tightly and tosses her another beer, looking intensely at the dirt.
It’s when they’re both on their fifth beer that Panam speaks again.
“She won’t tell anyone about it,” she says, staring off into the distance at the horizon. “We only know...bits and pieces. I probably know more than anyone else in the camp and she still won’t tell me....”
Panam trails off, her jaw tight and clenched. There’s a loud crunch as she crushes the beer can between her hands.
“She watches the moon,” Panam continues after a moment. “Every night she...sits, by herself, and looks up at the moon for a few minutes with that – that pin. The only times she takes it off are to...shower, sleep, and when she’s...doing that. She messes with it, stares up at the moon and...then sometimes she’ll say something. Ask a question. Most of the time it’s – it’s some variation on ‘D’you think she’s okay?’ and I never really know what to say because she won’t talk about it and I don’t...”
A breath. A deep one, sucked in through clenched teeth and closed eyes as Panam lets out a heavy, heavy sigh and hangs her head, shaking it slightly.
“Just...whatever you’re doing here, whatever...whatever this is...” Panam says quietly, but firmly and with an edge – that protective, dangerous edge from before. “Don’t...don’t hurt her again, okay? Please.”
“...I’ll try not to,” So Mi whispers tightly.
“...I’m going to tell her,” Panam said, standing up and brushing the dust off herself. So Mi opens her mouth to protest but the words die in her throat – because she doesn’t have a right to protest, doesn’t have a right to force her own guilt and weight on someone else. But Panam continues. “Not now. Not right away. But...soon. She’s – she’s my best friend, and I fuckin’ hate keeping secrets from her so...she’s gonna find out soon. Do...do whatever you’re gonna do with that information, I guess.”
Panam looks at her for a few moments, as if she wants to say something more, before shaking her head and walking over to her Thornton and leaving So Mi with only her thoughts.
~~~~~
It’s a full moon and close to midnight when So Mi starts walking towards the Aldecaldos camp. She hasn’t seen either Panam or Mitch since Panam drank a case of beer with her but the camp hasn’t gone anywhere, and she’s not quite sure what possesses her to just start walking but she does.
The air is pleasantly cool and the breeze is gentle – she has her cybernetics covered up now but she still twitches with the instinct to go back inside and avoid any chance of dust or sand getting in her circuits.
There’s an outcrop of huge rocks a few hundred feet away from the camp that she walks towards, and when she’s close enough she can see a silhouette perched on top of the highest one.
Staring up at the moon, their back to So Mi.
So Mi freezes in place. Her breathing catches in her throat and she’s overwhelmed with a thousand different emotions and sensations, a thousand different words cram themselves into her throat trying to burst free but she can’t say a thing as she just stares.
Part of her knows, knows exactly who that is but she has to be sure, has to be certain, so something deep within her finds the ability to push her legs forward as she walks. Hops up quietly on one of the lower rocks, still behind and out of sight to the person sitting highest – until she places a foot slightly wrong and sends a small rock skidding across stone, and she freezes again.
She’s so close.
Part of So Mi is convinced that this is a dream – a few more steps, a few more rocks to climb and she could reach out and touch her...
But she stays still. So, so still. Hoping that maybe she didn’t notice but of course she does, she was always going to notice, probably noticed even before So Mi kicked a rock like an idiot because she’s always been meant for cyberspace and is clumsy and awkward in realspace.
She doesn’t turn around though. Just speaks.
“I know you’re there, Panam. Just sit down, I know you want to.”
Oh.
So Mi almost opens her mouth to correct her, to reveal herself, to say a thousand different things I’m sorry. I’m going to fix this I’m so fucking sorry. I know I broke my promise but I can fix it now I can save your life for real this time. I know you won’t forgive me but I’m so fucking sorry and I’ll do anything to make it up to you. I just want to see you smile again. I never got the chance to tell you that I think you’re the only true friend I’ve ever had and I regret it every minute of my life. except...
Except Panam is welcome here.
So Mi isn’t sure if she is.
And because she might never get to again, because She would have every right to tell So Mi to leave and never come back, So Mi just sits down, gingerly crossing her legs. Saying nothing. Waiting. Relishing in Her presence, drinking it in like wine and letting her eyes trace every inch of the back that now wears an Aldecaldos jacket, red hair standing in stark contrast against it as She looks up at the full, bright moon.
“I know you guys think I’m kinda crazy, staring at the moon every night like a gonk,” She says with a mix of exasperation and amusement in her voice, but also with a deep undercurrent of something wistful, something that So Mi can fool herself into thinking might be almost adjacent to longing. “It just...helps settle me, I guess. Especially lately, since it seems like we’re...running out of time. I’m...running out of time, again.”
God she has to bite the inside of her cheek hard enough to draw blood to stop herself from speaking up, because it’ll all come together soon anyway and she can’t reveal herself now, doesn’t want to stop listening to Her speak to So Mi again with that warm, caring tone.
Even if this tone is meant for someone else and not for So Mi, she can pretend.
Even though this isn’t quite right, even though She always spoke to So Mi with a voice so much softer than this, gentler, like So Mi was something precious – she can pretend.
“Someone...asked me a question once. Asked me if...hurting people was inevitable.”
Oh.
Oh God.
So Mi remembers that moment, in the van together as they were getting ready for the final stretch – she hadn’t yet confessed her final sin and it was still grinding her ribcage to dust under its weight, and she wanted to say something and she almost did but then She would look at So Mi with that warmth in her eyes, She would touch So Mi with something that was practically a caress in a way that made So Mi want to lean into the touch and drown in it and the words, the confession would die on her lips because So Mi was selfish and a coward and she wanted to pretend for just a little longer that maybe, just maybe, they could have a happy ending together.
How far away that all seems, now – yet at the same time, it’s closer than ever before and So Mi is utterly terrified of it.
“I don’t even remember what I said then, she uh...she was in a bad way so I think I just spouted off whatever I thought would be comforting to her at the time but the question never really left my mind. And I keep thinking about it, yanno? ‘Cause it ain’t like I’ve got...some shortage of people I’ve done wrong in my life. That I’ve hurt. And I wonder sometimes, I guess, if there was a way I could do things differently and hurt nobody at all. If it’s even possible.”
A breath. A pause.
“Y’remember I told you about uh – about Jackie? Dunno if I uh...mentioned this part but, well...that day – the day of the heist – we...we were kinda snappin’ at each other. Nerves were hot from the anticipation of the job I guess and we were both...we said some stuff. Nothing like, bad, but I said some gonk stuff and he said some gonk stuff and we both kinda stung from it and…”
She trails off a little before speaking again.
“And then he died. S’not like our – our last words to each other were shitty or anything, I don’t...I’m not even sure I really remember exactly what the last thing I said to him was, or him to me, but I remember that we were both being gonks and scratchin’ each other’s nerves and it makes me feel all...twisted up inside, yanno? Even if it was nothing serious I still...I still wish I had just been a bit nicer to him, that day.”
Something glints in the moonlight and So Mi sees it – the pin. That pin that she arranged for Her to receive along with a piece of So Mi’s own cyberware – She’d kept it. So Mi felt a lump in her throat as she wondered if She’d kept the cyberware too – if even now she was still carrying a little piece of So Mi inside her.
Tears were dripping down her cheeks when So Mi realized She’d started speaking again, and refocused on the words.
“I dunno if I have a real answer to that question still but...I guess if she ever asked me again I’d say something like...like yeah, probably, hurting people is...is just this fact of life you kinda have to live with and stuff, but it doesn’t really matter compared to what you do afterwards, I think. I think the – the hurt is...less important than how you deal with it, ‘cause it’s not like me and – and Jack never got on each other’s ass and pissed each other off. But – but I only remember that last one, yanno? ‘Cause we never got to...I never got to tell him I was sorry for bein’ a gonk and treating him like a dumbass.”
So Mi knows that if she stays any longer she’s going to break – she’s going to speak, or cry out, or ruin this, and she wonders if She knows that it’s not really Panam here right now while she’s choosing to say those words – and she runs.
Because So Mi is a coward – so she quietly slips away and as soon as she’s out of hearing range, runs back to her camper.
~~~~~
Panam and Mitch come to her four days later – this time with three more cars in tow, and several more people and boxes of tech and parts and a trailer with larger hunks of gear. Introductions are being made and So Mi is in her camper walking the various techies and rippers the Aldecaldos have brought her to help make this whole project work through said project, watching as the confusion and skepticism turns to dawning comprehension and awe.
Then there’s movement – there’s so much movement as people get to work, stations are put together in vans to protect delicate circuitry from sand and dirt and some of the Aldecaldos are putting up a huge tent. So Mi is flitting from person to person as stations get put up and boxes are emptied and sorted out and delicate machinery is assembled and there’s a single massive long-table with several computers and four new sets of eyes to work with So Mi on actually hammering out the details of the project and turning it from a theory and a skeleton into something that might actually work.
Panam doesn’t stay long because she’s the Clan Head and has a dozen things constantly vying for her attention – she solves one issue and two more crop up like a hydra so she’s only around to ensure that everything starts smoothly before leaving Mitch in charge and the day is bustled away in a nonstop cacophony of machinery and tools and shouting and intense debates and conversations between So Mi and the other brains finalizing the blueprints of her solution.
They work into the night until people are yawning and Mitch practically has to force So Mi into bed – where her mind is far too occupied by the overwhelming nature of the fact that this is finally happening and that her work might pay off and it might not all be for nothing and it seems to forget to give her any nightmares, meaning she wakes up feeling shockingly well-rested and ready to handle the day of work.
And for the first half she’s fine – she’s in her element, really, taking point on a tech project she developed, bouncing between different tasks and conversations so quickly that she barely has time to think about anything else.
That bites her in the ass, however, because she’s so focused on her work that she doesn’t hear the tell-tale sound of Panam’s Thornton and the sound of doors slamming, she doesn’t notice a certain voice over the din of machinery and the blend of other conversations and voices.
It’s not until she hears Panam in her periphery, entering the huge tent where So Mi and the ‘research team’ is hammering out some of the final theoretical details of the project to start working on prototypes, that she realizes something is amiss and by then it’s far, far too late to run as she freezes like a deer in headlights instead – hoping that if she doesn’t turn around, the thing she knows is coming up behind her will just disappear all on it’s own.
“ –top pestering me with questions that I can’t answer because no, gonk, I don’t understand exactly what any of this all is any better than you do but Mitch and some of our much smarter friends have faith in it so...”
“Okay but...jeeze Panam this is – this is a lot, and if it doesn’t work you’ll have spent a ton of money on parts and – and people’s time for nothing and…”
“Shut up. Told you a million times and I’ll keep telling you until it gets through to your gonk-ass brain: you are part of this family, V. We’re doing this.”
“I...fine. And...and you’re sure you can trust whoever – whoever gave you guys this idea? They’re not just out to...I dunno, fuck us somehow?”
“....well, that depends, I guess.”
“That’s so not a confidence-inspiring answer, Pan. Depends on what?”
“On you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You can meet her yourself, and then you can decide, is what it means.”
“Why do I get the feeling you’re not telling me something?”
Panam doesn’t reply – or if she does it’s drowned out by the buzzing in So Mi’s ears – and for a brief moment So Mi hopes they’ll just pass her by and pass her over, but the boots stop a few feet away from her and she closes her eyes.
“Could’ve told me the truth. Woulda helped you anyway.”
Time to face a long overdue reckoning, So Mi supposes as she slowly straightens up – her palms are clammy and sweaty – and she can hear it behind her. A sharp sucking in of breath, a stumble and the rustle of clothing indicating that someone’s being grabbed onto. Held in place.
So Mi turns around, finally, and She’s there. Panam has a tight grip on her upper arm and She’s looking at So Mi like she can’t quite tell if she’s hallucinating, dreaming, or having a nightmare, and it takes every ounce of self-control So Mi has to not close the distance between them in some way.
Her heart is in her throat and once again there’s a thousand different things she wants to say. And it has to be her who says something, because She’s clearly in some form of shock and isn’t saying anything at all and Panam is looking at So Mi as if to say ‘Do something.’ and eventually So Mi just says the only thing she really can say at the moment.
“...Hey, V.”
“.......oh, fuck,” V whispers under her breath.
~~~~~
When they reached thirty seconds after that of just staring at each other it was Mitch who got annoyed with them and told Panam and V to either fuck off and let So Mi work or to take it outside and stop getting in people’s way.
The way Panam was glaring at So Mi told her that there was only one correct choice here, but it wasn’t Panam’s anger So Mi cared about – it was the way V was staring at her like she still wasn’t sure she was real, and the echo of the tarot reading Misty had done for her at the start of all this.
The Tower, Reversed.
Violent upheaval – but preventable.
It was up to her.
So Mi sat a few dozen feet away from the tent and cars, on a rock looking over a small dry riverbed. V was several feet off to her right, arms wrapped tightly around her torso and just staring at So Mi. She hadn’t said a thing in the five minutes since they’d walked away from the little camp, with Panam walking the two of them over here before saying she’d let them sort their shit out and walking away – yelling something at one of the Aldecaldos.
Eventually So Mi hears a sound – footsteps. She stills, skin crawling in nervous anticipation as she realizes that it’s V coming closer until she’s standing right next to So Mi, clumsily sitting down and staring into empty space.
There’s less than a foot of space between them now.
“...So,” V said eventually, still keeping her arms wrapped tight around herself. “You, uh...they...they fixed you up? You’re...?”
“Cured,” So Mi replies immediately with a nod. “Completely. No more Blackwall.”
Something shifts in V’s body language – So Mi thinks she almost relaxes a little at that. Like she’s...relieved.
“Good....that’s – that’s...that’s good,” V whispers, still staring into space.
It’s silent again for a few moments until V breaks it – her voice quiet and almost quavering, like it’s about to shatter if So Mi even looks at her.
“Why are you here, So Mi...?”
And that’s really the question, isn’t it.
‘To help,’ is the first thing So Mi wants to say. The same answer she gave Panam.
But she isn’t talking to Panam right now, and those two words are so, so much less than V deserves from her.
So Mi just has to stop being a coward for once in her life – which is so, so much easier said than done as the words feel thick and slimy in her throat and nothing feels good enough until she lands on a different set of two words that says both too much and not enough all at once but it’s a start and it’s the only thing she has right now because she can’t just say nothing at all.
“For you.”
Her voice is just as quiet and fragile as V’s – it feels as though the two of them are circling each other like half-feral, wounded animals, both expecting to turn and bolt at any moment. It’s tentative and cautious, the air between them practically crackling with electric tension and a primal fear.
So Mi isn’t sure what’s worse – the fact that V’s first reaction upon hearing her words is surprise, and her second one is undisguised suspicion.
Both of them feel like icepicks lodging into her heart.
“Bullshit,” V whispers. “You need something from me, don’t you? That’s what you mean. All...all this is just a preamble to whatever you’re about to ask me for.”
She gestures vaguely back at the little camp where people are working on So Mi’s project, and So Mi swallows.
Her throat is dry.
“Could’ve told me the truth. Woulda helped you anyway.”
The question burns So Mi’s throat and tongue – a question she’s wanted to ask for months but never thought she would. A question part of her already knows the answer to, but the part of her that’s a coward still wants to hear it from V. To hear her say it, out loud.
“Did you mean it? Back on the train?” So Mi whispers.
V frowns and looks as though she’s wracking her brain for the memory. Then her body stills and So Mi knows V’s realized what she’s talking about.
“...Yeah. I did,” V whispers back.
So Mi forces the tears threatening to break free to back down – giving a tight, terse nod.
Just like it did when she first heard the words back then, hearing that it was true – that V meant it – broke something inside So Mi in half.
God.
What has she done?
There’s really nothing left to do except...
“...is it...too late to say that I’m sorry?” So Mi asks weakly, her stomach twisting in a myriad of different uncomfortable shapes and patterns.
V blinks. Her lips part in a slightly incredulous expression.
“Because I am,” So Mi says – and it’s like a dam bursts open. Words that at first felt impossible to say started spilling out in a half-incoherent mess, and So Mi was helpless against the current. “I am so, so fucking sorry for what I did to you, V. I’ve – I’ve done so, so many things that I regret but lying to you...lying to you is what I regret the most. I – I wanted you to give me up, you know?”
Those words make something darken in V’s eyes alongside the abject shock – but she doesn’t say anything as words continue to spill from So Mi’s lips.
“I wanted you to live. I didn’t – I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t...seeing everything you were doing for me, had done for me, I...I think I already knew, even then, that there was...that I...that you would have – have helped. You were – you’re so much better than me, V, and I couldn’t take away a chance for you to live. I wanted you to give me up. To take the cure for yourself. You – you should’ve done that, V, and I can’t – God, I can’t understand why. I can’t understand why you put me on that shuttle, why you...after everything. I…I felt so fucking guilty, and just couldn’t take it anymore and I just...”
So Mi finally got a handle on herself and bit her lip to stop the torrent of words, closing her eyes and letting a few errant tears drip down her eyelashes.
“I’m just so, so fucking sorry, and I’m going to do whatever I can to make it up to you. To fix things,” So Mi whispered.
V didn’t reply.
She just sat there for a long, long few minutes, until eventually So Mi heard her stand up.
Then she heard a light thunk of something hitting the dirt – and footsteps walking away.
When So Mi opened her eyes she saw the pin, sitting in the dirt.
She pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself, curling up into a ball...and she began to sob.
Heavy, ugly, chest-wracking sobs. She tried to keep quiet – tried to not disturb anyone – as she cried for what felt like hours.
Eventually she felt a presence next to her as someone sat down – a firm hand squeezed her shoulder while another hand shoved a cloth against her face.
“Go on, clean yourself up,” came the rough voice of Mitch. “You’ve got snot and tears all over your face.”
So Mi takes the cloth gratefully and cleans her face off.
“I’ll...wash it for you and give it back later,” she rasps out a few minutes later.
“Eh, no matter,” Mitch replied, waving her off.
She expected him to stand up and leave, then, but he didn’t. He stayed, one knee propped up and his arm resting on it.
When he spots the pin in the dirt, he reaches over to pick it up, tossing it in his palm a few times.
“Gonna go out on a limb here and say that you were the one who gave this thing to her?” he asked wryly.
So Mi gave him a small nod in reply.
“Mmhm. I don’t care what kinda history you two have and honestly, I don’t wanna know. I’m not a gossip and I’ve got better things to fill my time with, but...V’s my friend. She’s part of this family, which means I want her to be happy. Want what’s best for her.”
So Mi nods again and gives a small, trembling sigh.
“Once the project is done and she’s – she’s cured I’ll leave,” So Mi whispers. “You don’t have to worry.”
“Well now hold on there,” Mitch said sharply. “Think you’re putting the trailer before the truck a bit there. What I was going to say was that I want V to be happy – and clearly, whatever history you two have together notwithstanding, I can tell you for a solid fact that V cares a great deal about you.”
So Mi doesn’t miss that he’s talking in the present tense, and her brow furrows.
“She – she can’t care about me. Why? After what I did...?”
“Don’t give a shit about what you did or didn’t do,” Mitch said with a shrug. “All I’m sayin’ is what I’ve seen, and if you’re the reason she stares at the moon all sad-like and takes that damn pin with her wherever she goes and flies into a near panic if she loses it, well...she cares. A lot. So let me share a few things with you.”
So Mi just blinks, his words rattling around in her head, refusing to fully settle.
“First thing is that, well, you might be somewhat aware of this already but V isn’t exactly the type to talk about her feelings,” Mitch chuckled. “That girl is stubborn as a mule – even worse than Panam sometimes, and trust me that’s saying something.”
“Okay...” So Mi mumbled.
“Second thing – V’s...she doesn’t trust easy. I mean, sure, she trusts most of us to have her back in a fight but that’s only one kind of trust. When it comes to other things, the important things, she keeps her cards reeeeal close to her chest. Panam and I are the only ones that can...even really get close to reaching her, in that way. And even then I’m barely scratching the surface and Panam’s not much deeper. If you ask me, everything V went through with this Relic bullshit and having to face her own impending death for so long has...disconnected her, kinda, from people. Can’t make herself understand that even if she’s dyin’ that people are still allowed to care about her...that she’s still allowed to be happy.”
That...that was something So Mi was intimately familiar with. When the clock is ticking over your head and you can hear every second passing by, things like human connection fall by the wayside a bit. And you start thinking – what good is happiness if it’s all going to be gone soon? Why bother?
That was how So Mi felt, anyway.
Until she met V, that is.
“And lastly...if you want V to understand something, you’re better off showing her rather than telling her.”
So Mi finally looks up properly at Mitch now, and he’s leveling her with a very significant expression.
“What...what do you mean?” So Mi asks, wetting her lips. She feels like this – this is important. She remembers what she heard V say when she thought she was speaking to Panam – about how hurting someone matters less than what you do afterwards.
“I mean that to V, words don’t mean a whole lot,” Mitch said severely, standing up with a heavy grunt and twisting his torso a bit, causing his spine to crack. “Few too many people have screwed her over with pretty words, if you catch my drift. If you want V to really understand something – you have to show her. Let her figure it out on her own. Put the legwork in, yeah?”
So Mi doesn’t have anything to say to that – she feels like anything she tries to say will feel cheap. Meaningless. And by the way Mitch’s expression softens slightly when he realizes she isn’t going to say anything, that she’s really thinking about it, tells her something.
He reaches out and squeezes her shoulder again and makes to walk away, tossing the pin at her. She catches it and stares at it for a moment before scrambling to her feet and calling out to him.
“Mitch!”
He turns around and she tosses the pin back. He catches it and looks at her with a curious expression.
“Give that back to her and tell her...tell her I’m not taking it back. And that she knows where to find me if she wants to talk,” So Mi said firmly.
Mitch didn’t smile at her but she could’ve sworn that she saw the corners of his mouth twitch as he tipped an imaginary hat to her.
“Yeah, I can do that. So you gonna stop having your little pity party and get your ass back to work or what?”
In reply So Mi just shows him a middle finger as she shoves past him on her way to the tent – and Mitch laughs hard and loud.
~~~~~
V doesn’t come back to So Mi’s little research camp – but Mitch does the next day, without the pin and an odd little smirk on his face as So Mi redoubles her focus and effort on the project. Without the looming uncertainty of V’s continued ignorance to So Mi’s presence and involvement hanging over her, So Mi feels like her mind is...clearer. She’s able to focus more, perform better, think faster – the project moves along with her at the helm and soon they’re putting together prototypes.
The only tests they can do are simulated but it’s a start and So Mi and the Aldecaldos push through the issues – troubleshooting the issues and fixing the problems as best they can, a process that is often accompanied by a lot of shouting and swearing.
It’s a very different environment from what So Mi was always used to – her work with Myers was always done surrounded by professionals in a very sterile social environment, always serious and severe.
The Aldecaldos are...
Calling them unprofessional sounds rude so So Mi settles for just describing them in her mind as unfettered by politeness, as they seem to make cussing and insulting each other simply part of their regular social patterns and So Mi finds herself falling into it, learning how to tell someone to go fuck themselves without really meaning it, that the Aldecaldos seem to consider a middle finger as a sign of endearment in equal measure to an insulting gesture, and that work feels a lot less like work when people are laughing and joking while doing it without fear of any serious reprisal as long as the work gets done.
So Mi would never say she’s able to forget about V – but the overwhelming anxiety and fear and guilt she feels about V is...pushed aside? No – that’s not really it either because it’s still there and it’s still ugly and painful and gut-churning but it’s...less, somehow, as well. She channels it into the work, and instead of torturing herself thinking about what she can say to V to make up for what she’s done she instead puts that energy into something to show V how she feels.
She doesn’t have to come up with the perfect sentence or apology or prostration that perfectly embodies all her messy, complicated feelings – she just has to show her.
~~~
So Mi isn’t exactly friends with Mitch and Panam – but they aren’t strangers anymore either, two weeks into prototyping and testing and with V’s clock ticking down further and further. Her and Panam have formed this....odd kinship over their mutual urge to go to whatever lengths they need to in order to save V’s life, and that’s turned into small conversations that had nothing to do with V at all after spending weeks in proximity to one another, which itself has turned into...
Well they aren’t friends but it’s – it’s something.
Mitch is something too. He doesn’t really give her sage advice or anything anymore, but there’s something about the way he carries himself that makes So Mi feel...steady. Panam loves V in her own way and it’s bright and loud and full of so much passion and energy that at first So Mi had thought they were an item before Panam quite emphatically declared her heterosexuality and that her and V were ‘only the best of choombas’, and Panam’s acceptance of So Mi means something because she has no doubt in her mind that if V even hinted at truly wanting So Mi to fuck off into the sunset and never return, well...Panam has never been shy about her protectiveness over V.
But the way Mitch cares for V feels different and makes his acceptance of So Mi feel...heavier. Weightier, almost. Panam and V are both younger than So Mi, they’re close in age and are basically sisters but Mitch...the closest thing So Mi can think is that Mitch is their Sol, just without all the baggage, and that makes a very complicated bundle of feelings crop up in So Mi’s stomach so she doesn’t think about it too hard – but it still matters because the fact that he’s obviously trying to keep So Mi around for V’s sake is significant because while Mitch doesn’t talk a lot about himself (doesn’t talk much at all, really) So Mi just knows that he’d rather swallow tar than endanger V.
So would Panam but it’s different with Mitch, and their combined...not quite approval but something close to it only fuels So Mi’s resolve more – while also feeding something else that So Mi is trying to ignore, trying to smother because it’s a faint whisper of a hope of something that she’s never really imagined herself as being allowed to have again and she can’t let herself cling to that sort of hope.
She tells herself that but it’s still there, faint in the back of her throat as the Aldecaldos treat her more and more familiarly with each passing day, each day she learns more names and stories and that little taste grows more and more.
A little taste of what it might be like to have a family – and if So Mi allowed herself to dream, she might dream of being a part of this family. Not because of the Aldecaldo’s themselves as kind as they were – but to be a part of V’s family.
But So Mi doesn’t allow herself to dream – so she doesn’t think about it, and just keeps pushing forward.
Time is running out.
~~~~~~~
They’ve got it as close as they’re going to get.
As with any highly experimental tech there’s plenty more testing and iterating that could be done – but they’re on a clock, one that’s rapidly ticking closer and closer to zero, and it soon becomes apparent that they’re on a knife’s edge and it’s now or never.
A whole day is spent hashing it out. Going over the entire procedure with Panam and Mitch and Dakota and Carol and so many other faces and names that So Mi has learned so far. All of them looking at her with trust, and belief, and faith – faith that it’s going to work, faith that So Mi is going to save their family member.
It’s a faith So Mi hates to see because she hasn’t earned it yet, it feels like bile in her throat and acid in her lungs but she grits her teeth and bears it because it’s V and if it hadn’t become obvious to So Mi before it certainly had now that So Mi wasn’t so different from Panam and the Aldecaldos when it came to V.
Life might continue on if they failed, if V died. They might keep waking up every day and eating and sleeping and taking jobs and existing – but it wouldn’t be the same. It would never be the same. Losing V would rip open an entropic, weeping void in their lives.
And for the Aldecaldos it might be nothing more than a wound that never closes, but for So Mi?
Saving V had become the star that So Mi’s entire existence orbited around. It was her purpose, her reason for her continued existence. The life granted to her after the Blackwall was stolen from V as assuredly as if So Mi had pulled the trigger herself and that was something she carried in her soul – it didn’t belong to her the same way V’s body felt like it belonged to Johnny Silverhand.
The life that kept So Mi breathing belonged to V.
Failure was not an option.
As the sun went down and the Aldecaldos filtered out of the small research camp to prepare for the actual procedure the next day, the tent emptied until it was just So Mi and Panam, going over it all one last time.
“...she’s going to make it,” Panam said eventually, staring at So Mi.
So Mi stared back.
“I know,” So Mi said – and for a moment, both of them almost believed it.
~~~
She’s tried to sleep for hours but it’s not coming, so eventually So Mi just gives up and walks out of her camper – hoping some fresh air will help – and the moment she steps out onto the dirt she freezes in shock.
Leaning against the outside of the camper, flipping a pin like a coin over and over again and staring up at the moon, is V.
So Mi opens her mouth.
Closes it.
Stares at V, unsure of what to do next.
V flips the pin in the air a few more times before catching it and putting it in her pocket this time. She doesn’t look at So Mi as she pushes off the camper.
“Walk with me?” V asks quietly, already moving before she gets an answer.
Maybe because she knows just as well as So Mi does that there was only ever going to be one answer to that question.
They walk in silence for a few minutes, side by side. So Mi keeps a careful distance of a few feet between them but V keeps inching closer and eventually So Mi decides to just let it happen – before she realizes it they’re practically bumping elbows.
They’re back at that rocky outcropping and V starts climbing up – So Mi following after without even blinking. V gets to the tallest point and hefts herself upwards before turning around and holding her arm out to So Mi, looking at her.
Offering her hand to pull So Mi up with her.
So Mi’s hand twitches and she pauses, just for a moment to stare at V and meet her eyes but her expression is giving nothing away.
She reaches out and grasps V’s hand with her own it’s warm and soft and it sends fire and electricity shooting up So Mi’s arm and it’s taking every ounce of self control she has left not to stumble forward into V when it ends and with an easy strength, V pulls So Mi up onto the rock next to her and releases her hand as quickly as she can, jamming her hands into her pockets.
V sits then and So Mi carefully sits next to her, pulling her knees up to her chest while V lets her legs dangle over the edge of the rock. They don’t talk at first, and So Mi shoves the anxiety and guilt down to just enjoy it while it lasts, a little voice in the back of her mind whispering to her that this might be the last night she’ll ever get with V.
Eventually it’s V who breaks the silence.
“This isn’t Misty’s roof but I guess it’ll do,” she said quietly.
“Misty?” So Mi asks quietly, remembering the woman who was the entire reason So Mi was here.
V nodded.
“Yeah – she’s uh, choom of mine back in – in NC. Got a big poofy blonde bob of hair and – “
“Really heavy eyeliner?” So Mi concluded with a ghost of a smile across her lips.
V blinked.
“Uh. Yeah. How did you…?”
“...in a roundabout way, she’s – she’s why I’m here, actually,” So Mi said, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. “...she sent me a postcard.”
“...a postcard,” V deadpanned.
“Mhm. One of the uh – one of the blank ones you sent her, from Arizona.”
V blinks again and her face scrunches up and So Mi feels warm in her chest and her hand twitches with the urge to reach out and tap her nose with a finger because her expression is so cute it actually hurts a little to see in thought for a few moments.
“That was months ago,” she eventually blurts out. “What – “
“I’ve been back on Earth for a bit over four months now, I think,” So Mi said quietly, cutting V off. “I came back a week and a half after Misty reached out to me and I learned that you were still alive. That...that Johnny was gone, but you were still...”
V is frozen in shock as she processes So Mi’s words, and So Mi gives her the space and quiet to do so.
“Why didn’t you…?” V eventually whispers, trailing off. “Why’d you never...never say something? Anything? All I...all I had was this pin and a piece of chrome...”
She’s got the pin in her hand again, fiddling with it. Running her thumb over the face repeatedly.
“What did you do with the chrome anyway?” So Mi asked curiously.
“Have it right now. I…” V mumbled, her voice thick with emotions.
So Mi was feeling them mirrored in herself at the moment, realizing that V really had carried a piece of So Mi around inside her all this time. She swallowed heavily and curled up a bit tighter, another tidal wave of feelings crashing over her – the same old guilt and fear mixed up with a keening sense of loss but also something more, something that either didn’t have a name or that So Mi was still too much of a coward to look in the eye.
“...V,” So Mi sighed eventually, shaking her head. “I’m...”
“If you’re gonna say you’re sorry again...” V muttered.
“I’m a coward,” So Mi said flatly.
She could almost hear the snap of V’s jaw closing with how fast it was.
“I have always been a coward,” So Mi continued, her voice softening. “I never wanted to work for a corp but when the FIA gave me the choice of either signing up or signing away the rest of my life, I was a coward. The first person I ever betrayed, V, was myself – my principles. I went from hacking the corps to hacking for a corp – because when it came time to actually stand up for what I thought I believed in, I was a coward.”
V said nothing but she turned slightly – turned herself towards So Mi, looked at her. Listened.
“After that it was even more cowardice. Every dip into the Blackwall, every dirty op, every knife in the back – it’s because I was a coward. Too much of a coward to openly defy Myers, too much of a coward to walk away, too much of a coward to say no. To stand up for myself. It took actively dying to finally stand up and make the preparations to walk away – and even then I was a coward. I was too much of a coward to do what I needed to do. I could’ve just given Myers up and God fucking knows she deserves to burn in hell but I thought Hansen was just a bit too cruel – and I was too much of a coward. I wanted to get out with a clean conscience – and trust me, V, I’m very aware of the irony of that sentiment now.”
So Mi scowled at herself and pushed a hand through her hair, taking a breath before continuing.
“And when I lied to you...continued lying to you, all the way until the end, that was just another incident in a long line of cowardly actions. I couldn’t face up to my actions until I was on death’s door – when it wasn’t forgiveness I was looking for, but absolution. I wanted you to give me up – expected you to, in the hopes that maybe...maybe it would make up for lying to you in the first place.”
V’s expression darkened and she opened her mouth to say something – but So Mi held up a hand, cutting her off.
“That was me being a coward, too,” So Mi said quietly. “Even at the end I was a lying coward, except this time...this time I was lying to myself, too. I told myself that’s why I wanted you to give me up, when really...that wasn’t it at all. I mean, yes, I felt – feel – horrible for lying to you, betraying you, and I want to make that up to you...but there was more to it. So, so much more.”
“...I was never going to give you up,” V whispered after a few moments. “Never.”
So Mi gave a mirthless smile.
“I know,” she whispered.
V blinked.
So Mi swallowed and took a breath.
“You know, I ran through my plans over, and over again before diverting SF1 to Dogtown,” So Mi whispered. “And I never, in a billion iterations with all the time in the world on my hands to work through them, could have predicted you.”
“What...what d’you mean?” V asked hesitantly.
“It was supposed to be simple, y’know? Hire a merc to pull Myers out, snatch the tech from Hansen before he could get his feet under him, get the codes from Aurore the same way you probably did...hop on a shuttle and never look back. One last handful of betrayals and I’d be gone, and I agonized over some of them but never once did I think the nameless merc in my plan was the one I’d regret more than anything.”
So Mi chuckled emptily and shook her head.
“You weren’t supposed to...God, V, you weren’t supposed to get to me like that. But the whole fucking plan went to shit all from the start and...I expected you to run. You didn’t, though, and you...you found me. Came to me. You...you never left my side, even when you probably really should’ve,” So Mi whispered, staring up into the stars.
“I’m with you, So Mi.”
“I told myself it was just because I had promised you a cure but...but you had to go and make it complicated, didn’t you?” So Mi whispered with a watery smile that V didn’t return.
But she wasn’t leaving this time, and the way she was looking at So Mi wasn’t like she looked at her at the riverbed – it wasn’t dark and slightly angry. No less intense – if anything V’s gaze was even more intense now – but it was full of something else. She was really listening now, making no moves to leave.
And she was still holding onto the pin.
“I’ve...I don’t remember ever having a friend who was just...a friend,” So Mi said softly. “If I ever did the Blackwall took those memories from me. Anyone else who cared about me...either didn’t care about me and it was a facade, a mask to get what they really wanted from me, or they didn’t care enough about me to stop them from using me for their own ends. And...I couldn’t – I couldn’t let you be something more. You had to be someone who just wanted something from me, because if you weren’t, if you…”
Her breath caught into a sob and she clamped her throat tightly shut.
“...can I ask you a question?” V asked. Her voice was rough and unsteady, and So Mi gave a slightly jerky nod. “You keep...apologizin’ and saying you regret what you did. That you wanted me to give you up ‘cause of it.”
Another nod.
“...do you…” V started, pausing for a moment and wetting her lips. “Is it...is all this just because you feel guilty? When you...when you told me the truth, on the train, was it...only because you were dying?”
So Mi took a breath.
The Tower, Reversed.
Violent upheaval – that can be avoided.
Was this it?
The moment felt heavy and thick with tension and emotion, it felt significant. Meaningful.
This was the moment – So Mi just knew it in her bones. One way or another...
She’d danced around it – both in this conversation and in her own mind and heart, hadn’t been able to confront it, name it, look it in the eye...
“...No, V,” So Mi whispered. “There’s more.”
V nodded.
“And...Misty sent you a postcard,” V whispered back. “And you came back. Why then? Why not...sooner? Were you still...?”
So Mi shrugged. Shook her head.
“I am a coward, V,” she said quietly. “My time in the clinic was only two short weeks while they synthesized the cure and purged my body of the Blackwall’s corruption, removing some of my more intensive cyberware that my body wouldn’t be able to handle anymore in the process. When I got out, I knew you might still be alive.”
She swallowed, hard.
“I also knew you might be dead,” she whispered under her breath. “So I couldn’t...I almost called you. I can’t tell you the number of times I got halfway through dialing your number before I stopped, because I am a coward and I could not face up to the possibility of knowing you were dead. If I kept myself ignorant and never looked, I could always pretend that you were alive out there, somewhere. That I...that I hadn’t killed you after all.”
V nodded slowly, something almost like understanding flickering in her eyes.
She shifted a little closer to So Mi on the rock and So Mi forced herself to ignore it, to look back up at the stars in the sky and just keep talking.
“When I got Misty’s postcard I called her. She left her number on it. Told me that Johnny was gone and that you only had about four or five months left to live, that you’d left Night City. That she had...a feeling, that I should know. That you needed friends.”
She took a breath.
“To be honest the decision was made the moment I learned you were alive, I just needed a bit of time to be...sure. To stop...being a fucking coward for once in my life and make something right for once,” So Mi whispered.
And there was that dark look again in V’s eyes.
“Right,” V muttered. “And what happens after you ‘make things right’ – whatever that means for you?”
So Mi blinked.
Oh.
Was she...?
Too many emotions and words clogged her throat for a moment – blinding hope mixing with a searing panic, taunted by visions of a tomorrow that might never come that existed only in the dreams So Mi never dared allow herself to dream.
So instead, like she always did, So Mi didn’t say any of those words at all and chose totally different ones – but ones that still told the story behind it all if one was listening closely enough.
“My ticket was one way,” So Mi whispered. “And I scrubbed all records of my existence from Tycho. I never existed there, as far as any paper trail is concerned.”
“...oh,” V mumbled, the dark scowl fleeing her face in favor of a few owlish blinks and wide dinner-plate-eyed shock. “So what...what, uh...does that mean?”
“It means...” So Mi said slowly. “...I suppose, V, it means...whatever you want it to mean.”
So Mi could see V’s throat bob as she swallowed.
“....why’d it take you so long to…?” V mumbled, changing the subject.
So Mi let her.
“I didn’t want to just show up with nothing,” she said quietly. “I owe you so much more than that. So I followed behind, picked up your trail. The Aldecaldos are not exactly...subtle.”
For the first time in so, so long So Mi got to hear V laugh, and it sent something warm singing through So Mi’s chest. It was short and sharp – more of an amused bark than an actual laugh, but it was still there and real.
“No,” V agreed. “No they are not.”
“I then may have...identified which rippers and doctors you saw and stole all their data and notes about you. Well, copied it – scans, notes, tests, everything. Collected it all and started putting together...whatever I could. I wasn’t really sure what I was doing but I wanted to…” So Mi said, biting her lip and cutting herself off. “It wasn’t until I had access to the Relic blueprints that I hit a breakthrough.”
“Huh. I...wasn’t really expecting anything to come from that. Sharing them was kind of a...last ditch effort to see if this guy could make use of them but I didn’t...” V mumbled.
“It was the missing piece, for me,” So Mi said. “Not to be vain but – I’m extremely intelligent, V, particularly when it comes to tech. I’m not just a gifted ‘runner – to get as good as I do you have to understand the tech, too, not just the Net.”
“Right,” V said, nodding.
“It clicked for me that every doctor you saw was treating you like you had MS, since what the Relic left behind mimics MS – it’s functionally identical, for the most part, but it’s not MS. That’s the key.”
“Why does that matter? Nobody has been able to actually explain how this is going to fix me,” V grumbled.
So Mi smiled a little – a real one, for the first time since...well, for the first time since she’d last been with V, really – and began explaining.
“MS is an autoimmune disease that comes from your body. MS can’t be cured because we don’t know what causes MS to happen in the first place,” So Mi began. “But you do not have MS. You have a normal immune system and a normal nervous system – just ones that are incompatible with each other on the level of your DNA due to the Relic. Right? Your immune system recognizes the DNA of Johnny Silverhand – your nervous system is a big soup that’s mostly V but has some of Johnny leftover. It’s mostly you because an active nervous system is the most difficult part for the Relic tech to overwrite – in fact, it’s impossible. That’s why the Relic kept trying to flatline you – your nervous system was in its way and it can’t overwrite an active one.”
“...I think I follow you, go on,” V said, nodding seriously.
“That’s why curing you or treating you by acting like you have MS just won’t work – well, MS treatments would probably work, I think, but it’s missing the forest for the trees. With all the focus being on treating you as if you have MS, people completely glossed over the fact that you do not have MS and they aren’t restricted to that box!”
“And you’re saying you’ve gone outside that box with something that’ll actually work?” V asked.
“Yes!” So Mi said, nearly grinning in excitement now. “With the Aldecaldos help we’ve managed to create something like a bastardized version of Relic 2.0 – because as soon as I understood the Relic blueprints I was seeing, I had one big question that made no sense if you were still dying. I was able to put together from the Relic documentation that you most likely got disentangled by Johnny through some way of employing Soulkiller and putting the ‘V’ engram back while leaving the Johnny engram...separate. But if that was the case, the Relic should have started overwriting DNA again except in reverse – undoing Johnny’s DNA and replacing it with yours. So why wasn’t that happening? Then I remembered you said something about the chip being broken and I realized that had to be it – the chip itself was too damaged to begin a new overwrite but not damaged enough to continue a process it already began. So all I have to do is – “
“A bastardized version of the Relic,” V said, comprehension dawning on her face. “You’re making a new chip to replace the old one with – one that’ll make me...me again?”
So Mi grimaced and held her hand out palm down, waggling it a little.
“Ehhh? It’s – it’s a lot more complicated than that because we don’t have access to Soulkiller and I’m not about to try and make my own. What I can do though is use the part of the Relic tech that does DNA overwriting and shanghai it for my own purposes – in this case, creating tech that essentially repairs broken or incompatible DNA. At least, in theory. In the simulations we mocked up using your scans – both of your body and the biochip itself – we’ve managed to get as high as a seventy-two percent total success rate overall but it’s only about a twenty-three percent chance of success with zero complications. There’s – there’s hiccups. And potential problems when dealing with actual realspace.”
“That’s better than nothing – but uh, what are the problems?” V asked, frowning.
So Mi sighed, rubbing her face in frustration.
“The biochip sill has an echo of the Silverhand engram on it,” she muttered. “No way to flush it out without risking the integrity of the V engram. It’s not enough of Silverhand to set us back to the same problem as before but...”
“But…?” V prompted.
So Mi sighed.
“You might...lose yourself. You wouldn’t become Johnny, but...you might not really be V anymore. You’d be something...else. Some amalgamation of the two of you. You’d always be more V than Johnny but...that’s only what I can measure with DNA. Hard data from simulations. You can’t really...simulate psychology. I have no idea what will happen in realspace if Johnny’s echo bleeds at all. It could be as simple as you picking up a taste for his favorite alcohol, or something as drastic as a major swing in personality or being stuck with something like bipolar or schizophrenia.”
V let out a low whistle.
“I was going to make sure you knew all of this tomorrow so you could...decide,” So Mi said quietly. “Because it’s still your choice, in the end.”
V was quiet for a while before speaking again.
“So when you knew I was alive...” she started softly, trailing off. “You just...dropped your whole life? To come...do this?”
“Wasn’t much of a life to drop,” So Mi said quietly. “...not really my life to live, I think.”
V frowned.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Exactly what I said, V,” So Mi said. “This life? It’s...yours. It always should’ve been yours, I think. I just stole it away with lies and cowardice and knives in the back. And...besides, V, it’s you.”
So Mi turned to look at V properly, and saw the most raw and open expression on her face she’d ever seen – even moreso than what she’d seen on the maglev. She gave V a small, soft smile and gave her a little ‘what can you do?’ shrug.
“The only reason I stayed away was because I was afraid you were dead and I wanted to be able to pretend you were alive. Schrodinger’s V,” she said, giggling a little at her own stupid joke. “When I found out you were alive, really alive? ‘Course I came. I always would have. Always will.”
“Because you felt guilty?” V whispered.
“Because it’s you,” So Mi murmured. “Everything else is secondary.”
V sucked in a long, wavering breath and nodded.
“Wow. I – uh......”
V stared at the pin in her hand for a few moments before carefully, gingerly setting it down between the two of them.
“Tomorrow,” V said quietly. “We’ll...talk more after tomorrow, okay? So just...hold onto this for me until then, okay?”
“...okay,” So Mi whispered, reaching out to take the pin. As she did so, V quickly moved her hand to hook her pinkie finger against So Mi’s. So Mi stilled and stared at their linked fingers.
Even in the cool night air, V’s skin felt warm.
“What you said about...it meaning whatever...I want it to mean?” V whispered – so quietly So Mi barely heard her.
“...yes?” So Mi breathed out.
V swallowed.
“...I want it...I want it to mean that our story doesn’t end here,” V whispered.
So Mi forced her voice to remain steady even through the thundering of her heartbeat and the rushing in her ears.
“...okay,” she replied with a little nod. “Then that means you have to...you have to get through tomorrow, alright? It – things could still go wrong, the Silverhand engram could bleed or – “
So Mi was cut off by V lightly squeezing her pinkie finger.
“I’m with you, So Mi,” V whispered, echoing her words from what felt like lifetimes ago – but their impact on So Mi was only strengthened if anything, as she felt like the wind had just been knocked out of her. “Was then. Will be tomorrow, and the next day.”
And with that V stood – pulling her hand away from So Mi and walking away, climbing down the rocks and walking back towards the main Aldecaldos camp.
So Mi watched her walk away, clutching the pin in her hand so tight it would hurt if her hands were still flesh and skin.
Before V disappeared from view So Mi saw her turn around and look back – just for a few moments – before walking the rest of the way into the camp.
It was another hour or so under the stars until So Mi left the rocks as well for some sleep of her own.
~~~~~
The procedure, in theory, was simple.
The blank chip was already made and loaded up with a DNA profile of V that So Mi had obtained through a biopsy of V’s nervous system that one of the Aldecaldo-connected doctors had done some months back. It was the closest to “pure” V DNA that they were going to be able to get at this point, but there were still risks of bleedthrough from the Silverhand engram still on the Relic.
In theory once this process was complete – something that could take anywhere from two to six months – the original relic could be surgically extracted provided it was still intact enough to finish its procedure by fully copying over the ‘V’ engram to V’s mind once the DNA profile was a full match.
This would prevent any future issues that could arise from the Silverhand echo before they happened – but first they had to get through this part intact.
Twenty-three percent chance of success with no bleedover.
Thirty-seven percent chance of success with mild to moderate bleedover.
Twelve percent chance of success with major bleedover.
And the statistic that So Mi really, really didn’t want to think about...
Twenty-eight percent chance that V flatlines on the table.
So Mi wouldn’t be participating in anything else going forward – she was on hand as tech support but it wasn’t as simple as slotting in the chip and letting it work. If V was awake there was a chance the stress of the initial twelve hours would send her into cardiac arrest or worse – meaning she’d need to be put in a coma-like state and kept there. A handful of doctors were on-hand to put V under and assist with any problems that came up in the next twelve hours before it would be safe to wake her up.
Once twelve hours had passed they would do some scans of her system – theoretically the worst of the initial shock of the process should be over by that point and they could wake V up, but there was always a chance she’d need to be kept under for longer.
So Mi took a breath.
The sound of Panam’s Thornton driving up had her shooting up from her chair and hurrying over, quickly closing the distance between her and V the moment she saw her step out of the truck. She was laughing with Panam about something but underneath the laughter her muscles were tight and tense.
“V,” So Mi breathed as she stood in front of her – V turning to her, eyes softening immediately into something that had So Mi’s chest feeling constricted.
“Hey, So Mi,” V said quietly and oh, wow, okay – So Mi actually felt a little lightheaded. It wasn’t quite the same warmth and softness that V had once spoken to her with, it wasn’t there yet – but it was close, it was still a tone of voice that So Mi had never heard V use with anyone else and based on the expression on Panam’s face, she hadn’t heard V speak like that before either. “We ready to get this show on the road?”
So Mi nodded tightly.
“This way,” she said, turning and leading the way – V was right behind her, and Panam came jogging up to follow them.
The tent had been repurposed from workshop to heavy monitoring station – So Mi had taken apart her own rig in her camper to help put it together so they could have a completely accurate readout of any last piece of data they might need in real-time from V or the Relic. V would be in So Mi’s own Netrunning chair, except instead of being linked up to the Net she’d be linked up to their own closed system.
“So...what do I do?” V asked, looking at So Mi.
So Mi walked her over to the chair as she explained.
“On your end it’s going to be...simple. You’ll be put into a medically induced coma and once you’re under, we link you up and slot in the chip. All going well the chip will start working immediately – you’ll be under for twelve hours. Barring any issues...you wake up in twelve hours and...we see if you’re still V or not,” So Mi explained – her voice nearly a whisper by the end.
A hand found its way to her shoulder and So Mi didn’t need to look to know it was Mitch – Panam had her arm slung around V’s shoulders, who was looking at the chair and the chip, sitting in an airtight container on a little table next to it all, with poorly-concealed nerves and trepidation.
“Yeah. Simple,” V croaked.
“You’ll make it V. I know you will,” Panam said firmly.
Mitch squeezed So Mi’s shoulder before going over to talk to Dakota – she would be working tech support with So Mi, helping the doctors and rippers where needed.
“Stay with me?” V mumbled.
“Always,” Panam replied, pulling V close to her and pressing her lips to the crown of V’s head. So Mi looked away awkwardly, the other two women exchanging a few quiet murmurs before one of them walked away – Panam by the sound of it, as So Mi heard her voice on the other side of the tent a moment later.
Then she felt fingers briefly brush against the back of her hand and she jumped a little, turning around.
“You...you’re staying too, right?” V asked her, looking...
Nervous.
Yeah.
That was...nervousness.
Because V, ultra-badass merc of the Afterlife who left Arasaka in shambles behind her, definitely wouldn’t do something like look shy.
So she was definitely just nervous about the procedure.
And...maybe, So Mi thought as she flashed back to her and V’s conversation last night – “I want it to mean that our story doesn’t end here.” – maybe she’s nervous about a bit more than that, too.
“Nowhere else I’d rather be,” So Mi whispered, looking at V.
V took a deep breath, her shoulders relaxing a little, and nodded.
“Ooookay then. Wasting daylight so...might as well get to it?” V said, staring at the chair and the chip.
“Whenever you’re ready,” So Mi said with a nod.
V nodded.
“...So Mi, what – whatever happens...” she blurted out, jamming her hands into the pockets of her jacket. “...I – “
So Mi – moving quickly enough that she surprised herself, too – clamped her hand over V’s mouth, quieting whatever she was about to say. V made a slightly strangled noise of shock and met So Mi’s eyes as So Mi leveled her with a firm, but not unkind glare.
“Don’t,” she said, sounding a lot more sure of everything than she felt. “Whatever you have to say to me...we’ll have all the time in the world when neither of us have a ticking clock over our head, okay? Because you’re going to get through this. Right?”
So Mi carefully pulled her hand away and V stared for a moment before nodding.
“...right.”
“You with me?” So Mi whispered – wanting to hear it again, the words.
“I’m with you, So Mi,” V whispered back.
“Then go. I’ll see you soon,” So Mi said, nodding towards the chair and taking a few steps back, making her way over to Dakota and Mitch.
~
“Slotting in the chip in three...two...one.”
“Chip is working within simulation parameters, all vital signs are a-okay.”
“The Relic?”
“No activity.”
~~~
“Two hours in, DNA repair chip is still operating within simulation parameters with no activity detected from the Relic. Vitals are all good although her heart rate’s spiking here and there...so far nothing to worry about but keep an eye on that for me?”
“Got it.”
~~~
“Five hour mark and we are still all clear...”
The doctors continued to read off V’s vitals and confirm that everything was still smooth sailing as So Mi paced back and forth, unable to sit still. She was on her...well, she’d lost track of how many times she’d crossed the tent when Panam was suddenly next to her, a firm grip on her upper arm and steering her over towards V.
“Wha-!?” So Mi sputtered.
“Y’know they say people in comas can sorta perceive what’s going on around them. Not like, all the way, but they pick up the vibe, y’know? I dunno if it’s the same for medically-induced ones but I feel like it’s worth a shot anyway yeah?” Panam said, very conversationally as she pulled So Mi along before plopping her down onto a stool that was right next to V’s ‘bedside’.
“What...”
“You’re gonna pace a trench in the ground,” Panam said softly, putting a gentler hand on So Mi’s shoulder and giving her an exasperated smile. “Sit with her. She’d want you here by her side instead of worrying in circles, anyway.”
“I don’t know what you…” So Mi mumbled.
Panam gave a long-suffering sigh and grabbed V’s wrist with one hand and So Mi’s with the other, practically slapping V’s palm into So Mi’s hand.
“Oh for cryin’ out loud just hold her hand and sit with her you gonk!” Panam snapped. “I’ve already been dealing with her pining and lemme tell you? It gets old. So get off the cross, build a bridge, and get over it, sister. Just hold her damn hand, Christ.”
Panam then stormed off...somewhere, only to quickly return with a pack of lemonade. She sat down on the ground next to So Mi and opened a lemonade before handing it to her, which So Mi gratefully took.
“...sorry,” So Mi muttered after a few sips.
Panam just rolled her eyes.
“She asked me a very interesting question this morning, y’know,” Panam said – sounding almost mischievous, putting So Mi a little on edge. “Asked me what the...protocol was for bringing somebody into the clan. Said she was just curious, y’know, since she grew up in Night City and was kinda out of it when we inducted her into the Aldecaldos. Wanted to know how it all worked.”
“I...see,” So Mi said quietly.
“Mhm. Then, while trying to make it sound like a whole new, totally unrelated conversation topic, she started talking about someone. Specifically, talking about you. All this talk about how you’re kind of a badass ‘runner and that you’re wicked smart. Almost like she was a walking...talking resume of some kind. Weird, don’t you think?”
“I…” So Mi said, suddenly feeling a need to drink a lot of lemonade to help her very, very dry mouth. “Um. Yes. Very weird.”
“And meanwhile I was like ‘huh I mean, based on how much you’ve talked about her since you realized she was here which is nada I am very curious as to what’s suddenly made you so chatty about her?’ and V suddenly gets very quiet again before saying she needed to go help Cassidy water his cactus and walking away very quickly. D’you...possibly have any insight as to why that could be?”
So Mi wondered if it was possible for her chrome to spontaneously combust.
“...Nope,” So Mi said, staring at the other side of the tent. “Can’t – ehm – can’t say that I do.”
She could feel Panam’s eyes boring into her as a silence wore on.
“...she did get me thinking, though,” Panam eventually said – sounding a bit softer. Quieter. “Dakota’s really our only ‘runner – I mean, Carol’s great with tech and she’s got a bit of skill with the Net but I wouldn’t really call her a ‘runner, y’know? And Dakota’s not getting any younger...and moving around the way we do is hard on her these days – she almost prefers being a static. Could definitely...find a place around here, for a ‘runner who can actually ride with us. Who’ll...stick around. For the long haul.”
So Mi doesn’t quite know what to say to that – so she just takes a drink instead. She feels Panam pat her thigh before she hears her stand up.
“Just think about it, ‘kay? She...it’d be good. For V. But only if it’s something you want, too. And it’s...not just about V, it’s about the family. You can’t commit to just one of us.”
So Mi is able to give a little nod at that – earning another pat on her shoulder before Panam walks away, leaving the case of lemonade behind her as she goes to have a conversation with one of the other Aldecaldos. Keeping her promise to V and not leaving the tent, but giving So Mi some space with her.
So Mi doesn’t say anything. Just squeezes V’s hand and takes a deep, deep breath.
And hopes for V to wake up.
~~~~~
Panam drools when she sleeps.
So Mi realizes this when she sees a big glob of it dribbling out the corner of her mouth and onto V’s shoulder.
It’s been a little over twelve hours since the procedure started, and the only one still awake besides So Mi is one other doctor – who just fed V the meds to wake her up from the coma. There were no visible hiccups throughout the procedure, and V didn’t flatline...but there’s still a chance.
Still a chance they missed something, that something bled through – that something unexpected happened. The data they’re getting from the scans show that the chip is doing exactly what they expected and hoped for it to do – repair V’s broken and incompatible DNA according to the profile they fed to it, using the Relic 2.0 tech they’d mimicked and recreated using materials bought and traded for with the truckloads of crazy tech the Aldecaldos had pulled out of Mikoshi.
But when it comes to V’s mental state, her personality?
The only way to know is to see it first-hand.
“She’ll wake up any minute in the next half-hour or so, maybe the next hour. She’s going to be a bit disoriented so try and keep her grounded when she wakes while I run the scans, and try to identify her mental state and the state of her identity,” the doctor had said to So Mi when he’d pushed the medication into V’s IV line.
So Mi was still holding V’s hand.
Somewhere north of twenty minutes had passed, so V should be waking up any minute, any second now.
She felt it, when V’s fingers twitched. So Mi sat up, alert in a moment – standing up off the stool and standing as close to V’s side as she could.
“V...?” she breathed softly.
A soft, disgruntled groan was her only reply.
“V? It’s – it’s So Mi. The procedure worked. Your...your body should stop trying to attack itself from the inside soon, and you’ll...you’ll be okay. You’re cured,” So Mi whispered, squeezing V’s hand.
Then...
V squeezed her back.
“So Mi...?” came a quiet rasp as V’s eyelids fluttered slightly open.
“I’m here,” So Mi said, looking at V’s face. “V...? That’s...that’s you? You’re...?”
“Mmh...told you...’m with you, So Mi,” V mumbled as she slowly tried to sit up.
“Don’t – don’t get up, you still have the meds in your system,” So Mi said, carefully pushing V back down by her other shoulder.
Panam got jostled awake in this whole process and practically bolted upright, looking around wildly.
“Wha!? Eh!? I’m awake!” she sputtered, rubbing her eyes.
“Pan...? You both stayed...cool...” V said with a small, dopey smile as she pushed her words out – she was clearly still kind of out of it from the medication, a fact the doctor confirmed as he came over to check her cognitive functions for himself.
“Her scans are reading completely clean, she’ll just be very, very groggy from the medication. Get her disconnected and to a proper bed soon so she can sleep it off,” the doctor said to both Panam and So Mi before leaving to get some sleep of his own.
“She can sleep in my bed, I doubt I’ll be able to sleep much tonight,” So Mi said quickly. “Then she doesn’t have to go all the way back to camp.”
“M’kay. That cool with you, V?” Panam asked through a yawn.
“Wha...? Uh – no s’cool I can uh...jus’ go back to camp with Pan. Don’ wanna...push you outta your own bed, So Mi,” V mumbled, slurring her words slightly.
“It’s really no trouble at all,” So Mi said quickly. “But it’s up to you.”
“No s’not,” Panam said – through another yawn. “Clan Head privileges or whatever – I’m not listening to this gonk pine over you even more tonight when her tongue’s all loose and loopy from meds, and I want to sleep. You seem wired as hell so you can keep an eye on the gonk and make sure she doesn’t go screwin’ up all our hard work.”
V actually pouted – So Mi had to resist the urge to pinch herself from how God-damned adorable that was – but she didn’t protest beyond a bit of grumbling as So Mi and Panam got her disconnected from the monitoring setup and walked over to So Mi’s camper.
Panam had V’s arm over her shoulders and was supporting her just fine on her own, so So Mi went to open the door and make sure there was a clear path to the bed. Soon enough V was very unceremoniously dumped into So Mi’s bed and Panam gave another huge yawn.
“I’ll come back for the gonk in the morning. Remember to put a sock on the door if unholy things happen in this room, I’d like to not get nightmares about what my best choom’s junk looks like,” Panam mumbled drowsily as she left – So Mi was so shocked by her words that by the time she even realized what happened, Panam was long gone.
Leaving So Mi alone.
With V.
A very...very sleepy V, who was...staring. At So Mi.
From So Mi’s bed.
V was in her bed.
Oh, God, this was a mistake, wasn’t it?
“Hi,” V whispered.
“...hi,” So Mi whispered back.
“...m’not dreaming right?” V mumbled.
“No. You’re not,” So Mi said quietly.
“Thas’ good. Cuz...’v had this dream before yanno,” V said with a contemplative expression.
“What...dream?” So Mi asked.
“Just...you. Bein’ here. With me. An’ you’re...you’re okay. Better. Not all...y’know, bleh and scary and stuff,” V said.
“Scary? I scared you?” So Mi asked, surprised and...very, very curious.
“Scary hot,” V mumbled – and So Mi quickly regretted asking, feeling her face flame up. “But – but not good ‘cuz you were dyin’ and stuff. That really sucked. Didn’t want you t’die.”
“...I didn’t want you to die, either,” So Mi said quietly, a lump in her throat.
“I was – ooooh I was sooooo mad at you,” V groaned, flopping onto her back. “That was – you lied to me So Mi. That – that sucked.”
“...I know. I’m sorry,” So Mi whispered.
V just waved a hand at her dismissively.
“S’my fault. Knew you were all...super...super secret agent..spy person. Shoulda seen it comin’. Shoulda known. Johnny knew. Knew the whole time – but you, he liked you. Knew you were lyin’ but he liked you anyway. Respected you. Wished he coulda been more like you, I think. Said you had...follow-through.”
“...Johnny liked me?” So Mi asked, feeling...surprised.
“Mhm.”
“...do you miss him?” So Mi whispered.
Nobody could misinterpret the expression that crossed V’s face.
“So fuckin’ bad,” V whispered back. “Is – is that crazy, So Mi? I mean...he kinda was killin’ me but...wasn’t his fault ‘Saka fucked him and stuck him on a – a stupid chip. He didn’t wanna kill me. I was just...the unlucky gonk who got him stuck in my head. And we kinda hated each other at first but...I think...I think in the end he was like my brother or something. I...I cared about him. And then he was just...gone. Just like...like Jackie. And...you.”
“...I don’t think it’s crazy. He meant something to you, and he effectively died. It’s...completely natural that you would miss him. Grieve him, even,” So Mi said softly.
“...I called you, y’know,” V mumbled. “The night we did it. Stormed ‘Saka tower, me, Johnny, Pan and – and the Aldecaldos. I called you. I mean – knew you prolly wouldn’t pick up and the number was deactivated anyway but...I guess I just...wanted to say goodbye. Properly. A real one, this time.”
“....I wish I had been there,” So Mi whispered. “I should’ve been there. Helping you storm Arasaka.”
“Nah,” V said – and So Mi looked at her in surprise. “I’m glad you weren’t.”
“...why?”
“Coulda died. Like some of the ‘Caldos. Don’t...dunno if I could’ve handled that. Can I tell you a secret?”
“I...sure?” So Mi said, feeling a bit of whiplash from this conversation.
“I think I’m relieved that if someone had to die that day it was anyone other than Panam,” V whispered. “Having her there...it was a mistake. I shouldn’t have asked her for help. I have nightmares about it – about it being her head being crushed under Smasher’s heel instead of Saul. If you had been there too...thinkin’ about Panam almost dying is hard enough. You...”
V sniffled a little and rolled over, back to So Mi and facing the wall.
“I’m tired,” V said softly after a few minutes.
“Sleep,” So Mi whispered. “You need it.”
“You...you gonna be here when I wake up?”
“Yes. I’m with you, V. Always will be,” So Mi said, her voice thick with so many feelings and words unsaid.
But it wasn’t the right time.
Not yet.
A few minutes later, V’s breathing had evened out.
~~~
So Mi woke up in the same chair she’d been sitting at to watch over V – and saw an empty bed. Scrambling to her feet she felt her heart in her throat, panic flooding her limbs...
Only to be cut off by a quick few words from behind her, and a hand reaching out to touch her wrist.
“Whoa! Whoa, whoa, it’s okay! All good! I just didn’t wanna get shit in your bed if I spilled. There’s food for you on the desk, Panam brought stuff earlier.”
V was there – she had been sitting on the floor, based on where So Mi could see an open can of lemonade and a carton of some kind of noodles near a wall. So Mi let out a huge sigh of relief and felt her shoulders sag, and she slumped back down into her chair.
She felt it turn as V manipulated it so So Mi was facing where she was sitting, and when So Mi opened her eyes next, this time it was to the sight of V sitting cross-legged on the floor below her, looking up at her with an expression So Mi hadn’t dared to hope to ever see directed at her.
It was soft. Warm.
Happy.
“Panam says it worked,” V said with a smile on her face. “I’m cured. The chip you came up with is already reversing the damage and my immune system is not quite as gung-ho about going open season on my nervous system. And...and I can feel it, So Mi. I feel good. Better than I have in months. You...you did it, So Mi. You cured me.”
It’s all too much.
V is looking at her with such a soft, awe-filled expression and speaking to her so warmly, with so much genuine affection and gratitude in her voice, gratitude that So Mi didn’t earn because this wasn’t something V should be grateful for it was something she should’ve had all this time and –
Something inside So Mi just breaks.
She doesn’t even realize she’s out of her chair until she feels arms – strong arms, arms she has a memory of from before, cradling her, carrying her so softly like she’s precious and cared for – around her, keeping her steady as sharp, keening wails are bursting forth from So Mi’s chest and ripping from her throat.
There’s no more thought to suppressing it, to being quiet, to smothering them and moving onto something else to keep her mind occupied – it’s all too much.
V is crying too, she realizes eventually. Not as aggressively or loudly but there are tears and they are both grieving something, releasing something that had been locked up inside of them both, never allowed to roam free because of the thick layer of fear that can only be built up by constant impending death that only the two of them can truly understand out of all the people in the Aldecaldos camp.
It’s some time later when their breathing both slows and So Mi has somehow ended up halfway into V’s lap, her face buried in V’s neck, when she begins to calm.
“I did it?” she rasped out into V’s neck. “You’re...you’re gonna live?”
“Mhm. Guess you kept your promise in the end after all, huh?” V murmured into So Mi’s hair.
So Mi can’t really tell if the sound she makes is a sob or a laugh – whatever it is it’s wet and ugly but V just holds her a little tighter and she presses a little closer into V’s warmth, greedily seeking more, more, just more.
“What...what happens now?” So Mi whispered.
“Docs say they’re gonna keep an eye on my progress and when the chip has run its course we’ll revisit extracting the Relic, just like you said,” V hummed. “After that...shit, So Mi, I guess I just gotta live? Be...alive again? Fuuuck. That’s gonna take some adjusting.”
So Mi definitely laughs this time, nodding a little against V’s neck.
“Yeah. I know what you mean.”
“You figure it out yet?” V asked, chuckling.
“God no,” So Mi huffed. “But I promise you’ll be the first one to know when I do.”
“Yeah?” V murmured softly. “That mean...you’re staying?”
So Mi pressed herself harder against V’s torso.
“It means whatever you want it to mean,” So Mi whispered.
“I want it to mean you’re staying. Here. With...with me,” V whispered back.
“Then it means I’m staying with you.”
V took in another breath and So Mi could literally feel the tension bleeding out of V’s body.
“We...we’ve got a lot to talk about, you know,” V said, laughing a little.
“Yeah. I know,” So Mi replied. “V?”
“Mm?”
“Why’d you do it? Put me on that shuttle?” So Mi whispered.
V stiffened slightly and pulled away a little, looking at So Mi with a frown.
“...you really haven’t figured it out?” she asked, sounding...disappointed.
So Mi shook her head.
“It’s not that,” she whispered. “It’s that...I think I have, and I’m just afraid that I’m wrong. I want to hear it from you. Please.”
“...trade,” V said. “You get my answer, and I get yours. Cuz...I have something I wanna hear from you, too.”
“Anything,” So Mi confirmed, nodding.
“Was it real?” V asked quietly, staring intensely at So Mi. “Between...us? From the balcony until...the end?”
“Oh, V...” So Mi murmured. “Yes. I – I didn’t...I didn’t want it to be at the time, because I’m...”
“A coward,” V muttered, not looking away.
“Yes,” So Mi said. “And I will...carry that shame for a long, long time. But it was real. It was so, so real, V – all of it. I never...I lied to you, yes. I – I purposefully omitted the fact that the neural matrix could only be used once. I...used you, to save my own life, by lying about being able to cure you. But I never – I never faked my emotions, or tried to...to act a certain way to manipulate you. All of that, everything else, V, everything else was real. It was the real, honest...me. As much as I’m really capable of being to anyone.”
“...okay,” V said softly, with a little nod.
So Mi bit her lip as V took a deep breath.
“...So Mi, I put you on that shuttle for a lot of reasons,” V murmured, reaching out to gently take both of So Mi’s hands in her own, gently running her thumbs across So Mi’s knuckles. “Cuz I understood you. Cuz I knew what it was like, to be desperate enough to do whatever it takes to save your own skin. But I was desperate too. I think...we both know that alone wouldn’t have been enough, after what you did. It was...more.”
So Mi could feel herself holding her breath as she waited for V’s next words.
“...the reason I couldn’t give you up, could never give you up...why if I could do it all over again I’d still trust you, still believe in you, I’d let you lie to me all over again and still put you on that shuttle even if I had to do it a hundred thousand times...well, s’cuz I kinda went and did the most gonk thing you can do as a merc and fell in love with my client.”
A slightly choked sob was stifled in So Mi’s throat as she squeezed V’s hands tight.
V squeezed her hands back.
“So Mi, the part that hurt the most wasn’t that you lied about the cure bein’ a one-time-use,” V whispered. “The part that hurt was...I thought that...that we had somethin’ between us. That...maybe, even if I was more far gone than you, that it was still...some kinda mutual, I guess. And in the end I...wondered if it was even real. And I was so, so angry with you and...and with myself when I realized that it still didn’t matter if it was real because I was still gonna put you on that damn shuttle. And when...all I got from you was the pin and a piece of chrome, and then nothing... guess I figured you were either dead or that it wasn’t real after all. And I knew it was gonk but I just...I dunno, I just kept hoping. That – I dunno maybe you were in a coma or something, or that it was too dangerous to reach out proper ‘cuz the FIA was still hunting you and that...that if I could fix my own shit and wait long enough that you’d be there someday.”
“It was real,” So Mi whispered again, leaning forward and gently pressing her forehead against V’s – closing her eyes and giving V’s hands another squeeze. “Mutual. The whole time. I...I was fighting it, but...”
Her breath caught in her throat and she paused.
“It’s okay,” V murmured. “You don’t...have to say it. I understand if you don’t.....”
“No, V,” So Mi said firmly, gritting her teeth. “Shut up. V, the moment I heard you were still alive and that the Relic wasn’t part of the problem anymore I – it took me a week and a half to pretty much uproot everything and come running. And – honestly most of that week and a half was just me daisy-chaining nervous breakdowns. Then I spent weeks – a few months – dedicating every scrap of time I had to following the Aldecaldos around, following you around the entire damn continent and devoting everything I had to trying to find a way to help you. So that...yes, so that I could make up in some – some small way for what I did but also because...because God – God fucking damn it V I love you too. I love you.”
So Mi felt V pull away and she opened her eyes.
V was staring at her – mouth open in a little ‘o’ shape, eyes wide.
“...if you don’t stop me I’m gonna kiss you now,” V whispered.
In lieu of a verbal reply So Mi surged forward and pressed her lips to V’s – swallowing up a soft whimper that escaped from V’s throat as their hands separated, So Mi’s hands going to V’s waist as she crawled forward to straddle V’s lap and V’s hands going to gently cradle So Mi’s face.
Some minutes later when they were both lightly panting, lips slightly swollen and slick with saliva, it was So Mi who giggled and lightly bumped her forehead against V’s.
“Were you – were you really trying to sell Panam on having me become an Aldecaldo?” So Mi asked, giggling.
“Oh fuck she told you!?” V groaned, leaning forward and pressing her face into So Mi’s shoulder, whining in embarrassment. “That – that bitch! I’m...awh fuck that’s really fuckin’ embarrassing...”
So Mi just laughed and wrapped her arms tenderly around V’s shoulders – marveling in the fact that that was something she could do, now – and hummed softly, relishing in the feeling of V’s body pressed up against her when neither of them were actively dying, for once.
“That’s...really cute honestly,” So Mi mumbled.
“I am not cute!” V sputtered.
So Mi threw her head back and laughed a little as V continued to sputter in embarrassment, before swooping in and stealing another kiss from her – feeling her emotions soar when V returned the kiss without missing a beat.
“We can argue about it later,” So Mi whispered. “For now I think...we could make up for a bit of lost time, maybe...?”
V’s eyes lit up a little and she smiled almost bashfully.
“Panam uh – said if I don’t make an appearance by dinnertime she’s coming in here with a bucket of cold water and doesn’t care how naked the two of us are, so...we have a few hours,” V chuckled.
So Mi felt her cheeks burn.
“I – Panam is...very bold,” So Mi mumbled.
“You get used to her. She likes fucking with people,” V hummed.
“...I can really stay?” So Mi whispered after a moment. “With you?”
“I will literally fist-fight Panam if she tries to say otherwise, just watch me...” V mumbled before stealing another kiss.
“I meant – “ So Mi whispered, getting her words out between little kisses. “That – you – want me to stay – with you?”
That made V pull back and give So Mi a look, with a single raised eyebrow.
“Okay, okay, jeez,” So Mi said, grimacing. “God V you could cut somebody looking at them like that. I’m just...scared. I – I want this, I want you, I’m just...I guess I just don’t really understand how you could...want me, after everything...”
“I can see this is something you’re going to regularly be a gonk about for a while, huh?” V muttered.
So Mi just shrugged awkwardly.
“The same way I put you on that shuttle, So Mi. Same way I stuck with you, went up against the whole damn FIA for you,” V murmured. “I love you, gonk. I’m with you, if you’re with me. So stay? Please?”
“...I’m with you, V. I’ll stay,” So Mi whispered. “And I love you too. Sorry for being a gonk.”
“S’okay. Panam says I’m a gonk at least ten times a day so...” V said, chuckling. “Now uh – as much as I’m enjoying this, I think the bed would be way, way more comfortable even if all our clothes stay on so...?”
“Right! Yeah we can – yes,” So Mi sputtered, quickly making to get off V’s lap and stand up – only for V to grab her and stand up with her, picking So Mi up like she weighed nothing at all.
If asked later – ever, really – So Mi would deny until the end of time that this action caused her to squeak.
The fact that V can just pick her up like a ragdoll is just – very, very....attractive.
That’s all.
“Bed?” V asked, snickering.
“Yes please,” So Mi whispered.
~~~
Later that night for dinner, the Aldecaldos were joined by a very, very cold and wet V and So Mi – but there was also more smiling and laughter in the Aldecaldo camp than there had been in months.
And V?
None of the Aldecaldos even knew V was capable of smiling like that.
~~~~~~~
One year later
~~~~~~~
“So Mi? Panam wants you for something,” Mitch said, poking his head into So Mi’s tent where she was currently working on cleaning out all the ICE from a truckload of military bots and their control units that the Aldecaldos had klepped from Militech two days ago.
“Oh! Uh – kay! Be right there? Did she happen to say what she wanted?” So Mi asked, frowning.
“No clue but best not keep her waiting, c’mon,” Mitch said.
“Alright alright don’t piss yourself,” So Mi muttered, fingers flying across her deck as she melted the last bit of ICE around the unit she was working on. Ten down....forty five left to go. So Mi sighed and closed her eyes, rubbing them with her thumb and forefinger for a moment before jacking out of the bot and walking over to Mitch.
When he led her towards the center of camp, So Mi started getting suspicious.
When she saw what looked like the entire clan gathered at the center of camp, she got really, really suspicious.
“Miiiiitch...” she said slowly. “What’s going on?”
“Sorry, can’t hear you – I’m gettin’ old you know!” Mitch tossed back over his shoulder.
“Fuck you! You can hear me just fine! What’s going on?” So Mi demanded, marching up to walk by his side.
“Guess you’ll just have to talk to Panam and find out,” Mitch said with a smirk.
Panam, it turns out, was standing on the bed of a truck that the rest of the clan was gathered in front of. V was there too, leaning against the side of the truck and grinning like an absolute gonk when she spotted So Mi and Mitch.
“Finally dragged her out of her nest huh?” Panam asked Mitch, smirking as they approached.
“Took some doing but I managed to wrangle her,” Mitch chuckled, darting away from the smack So Mi attempted to give him on the back of his head – she settled for flipping him a double bird instead before turning to Panam.
“What’s going on, Pan? I didn’t know there was something happening today...” So Mi said nervously, looking around before letting her eyes linger on V – still grinning like a loon and giving nothing away, even when So Mi scowled at her.
“Don’t worry about it and just get up on the truck,” Panam said, holding her arm out. So Mi reached up and took her hand hesitantly, and Panam pulled her up to stand behind her before turning to the Aldecaldos – one hand still in a loose grip around So Mi’s wrist.
“What is – ?” So Mi started to say before she was cut off by Panam.
“Aldecaldos! Been a hot minute since we did this, yeah? Lotta folks’ve come to us recently. Plenty of ‘em just looking for glory, tried crawling up our ass the past year and a half ever since we gave ‘Saka the biggest spanking they’ve gotten since ‘23 and put the Aldecaldo name back on the map and we all – as a family – agreed to be careful with inducting new members, to keep away the glory hounds and the people just trying to use our name. To make sure that even though the Aldecaldos are the Clan people care about these days when it comes to the good jobs and the good money that we kept to our values – made sure that before anything else, the family always came first. Maybe that means we got a whole lot less new family members than we maybe could’ve, but the ones who have made it – no one here can say they’ve done anything other than earn it.”
A general rumble of agreement passed through the crowd, and So Mi froze up.
Was this really happening?
She looked at V, who actually started laughing at her – the traitor.
“And I dunno about you guys but I personally think that this particular new family member is long, long overdue for a jacket. What do you guys think?”
A cheer of approval rang out through the gathered crowd and So Mi felt hot on the back of her neck as she saw V come around the side of the truck with an Aldecaldos jacket in her hands. She held it up to So Mi with a megawatt smile on her face, and So Mi could barely keep her hands from trembling long enough to put it on.
Panam took her wrist and lifted her arm in the air.
“I – you’re...you’re sure?” So Mi whispered to Panam, struck dumb by what was happening.
“You saved V’s life,” Panam said with a shrug. “Far as I’m concerned the jacket was yours the moment I had to dump a bucket of ice water on you two. Rest of the family needed a bit more time is all – to make sure you were here for all of us. Not just her.”
So Mi looked at V – standing just below her, leaning on the side of the truck and looking up at her like she was the only thing that mattered in the world.
One year, and she still wasn’t used to V looking at her that way. Still couldn’t believe that this was real. That she was alive, that V was alive, that they’d both made it through hell and somehow came out the other end whole.
She looked at the Aldecaldos and realized...it wasn’t just V, not anymore.
Maybe not even from the very first time she met them, she realizes as she finds Mitch in the crowd. Even before she knew whether or not V wanted her to stay, the Aldecaldos had begun to welcome her. To give her a taste of what home might feel like.
No one, and nothing, would ever be more important to her than V.
But...Panam, Mitch, and the rest of the Aldecaldos made a pretty good second place.
She smiled and held her fist in the air of her own volition this time, prompting another round of cheers and claps – with a few loud whistles mixed in for good measure – before hopping down from the truckbed and falling into V’s arms, laughing as V picked her up in a tight embrace and spun her around a few times.
V set her down and kissed her hard enough to make So Mi’s toes curl, and when they broke apart it was only because Panam was yelling at them that she wasn’t afraid to dump another water bucket on them and to come celebrate with the rest of the family already.
“I can’t believe I’m really here, sometimes,” So Mi said, feeling giddy as she leaned into V, resting her head on V’s shoulder. “With you. With your family.”
“Our family now,” V murmured.
So Mi let out an incredulous exhale at that, shaking her head lightly and pressing hard into V’s form.
V kissed the top of her head and held her close, swaying gently from side to side with her for a few moments before joining the celebration.
“I’m with you, So Mi. Always have been, always will be,” she murmured.
“I love you,” So Mi sighed happily.
Song So Mi, happy. Truly, genuinely happy.
Who’d have thought such a thing could be possible?
Certainly not her.
“I love you too,” V replied.
Then after a few moments the moment was ruined by Mitch, who came up and clapped So Mi on the shoulder.
“You know they did this just for an excuse to throw a big party right?” he quipped.
“Fuuuuck you,” So Mi groaned, pulling away from V and putting her entire hand over Mitch’s face to shove him away from her – grabbing V’s hand and dragging her towards the party.
“Not my job!” Mitch laughed heartily after them.
So Mi just flipped him off over her shoulder and leaned into V, who gently wrapped an arm around So Mi’s waist.
It was good to be home.