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Kian messed with the sleeves of his jacket. Well, Rand’s jacket, but now she wore it more than he did. It brought them comfort. It grounded him, letting her know that Rand did care. Sometimes it was hard to remember that. Either way, Rand caring or not caring about him was not the current problem she faced.
Her head felt fuzzy. He was trying to keep it not fuzzy, but it felt fuzzy anyway. They’d gone out grocery shopping today, all three of them. It was stressful. It was always hard to not feel like everyone’s eyes were on them. Watching. Dissecting. Waiting for them to bug out. It was scary. Kian didn’t hate her bug half, but he knew it would be a very very bad chain of events to bug out in public. He could die. Or Rand and Rolan could hate her for being so reckless. Even if it wasn’t on purpose. She could ruin everything.
He swallowed, closing his eyes tight. Rand wouldn’t hate her. He wouldn’t. She knew that. They just had to remind themself sometimes. It was a hard thing to take to heart. But Rand didn’t hate her when she almost killed him as a giant fucking bug, so she’d be fine. Probably.
Either way, the point was that today had been stressful. Very stressful. And now his brain was trying to force him to unwind. To relax. His brain felt fuzzy, and his body felt far too big for him. She tried to hold onto themself. It would be selfish to make Rand and Rolan take care of her- they’d had a stressful day too. Rand always struggled with delusions in public, and Rolan also had to worry about the stress of not bugging out.
So, he sat on the couch, pulling at the sleeves of Rand’s jacket, desperately trying to ground herself. Her knees were up on the couch. They weren’t sure where Rand or Rolan were. He missed them; she needed them. Kian swallowed uncomfortably. No, they didn’t. She couldn’t let herself slip.
The sound of footsteps drew her head up from her panic-mode ball. It was Rand, freshly showered. He didn’t used to keep himself as clean as he did now, but ever since Galloway, anytime he went out somewhere, once he got home he’d immediately hop in the shower and obsessively clean himself. Like there was something out there that would kill him if he didn’t rub his skin raw. His hair was in that towel-dried-but-still-pretty-damp state, and he’d thrown on an old band tee and sweatpants. And, of course, his sunglasses. He’d seemed aloof when he’d first walked in, but seeing Ki in that ball formation imeriately drew his eyes to her with a look of concern.
Rand came over and sat beside her. “Hey, Ki, you feelin’ alright…?” He asked quietly.
The voice Rand used for her was something that made her so close to breaking. It was hard not to, when he talked to them so carefully. So softly. Like they were something… worthy of not hurting. Kian swallowed and looked at Rand through eyes which he hoped weren’t brimming with tears. “…yeah, yeah, dude, I’m- I’m fine,” she murmured.
Rand was not having it. He scooted closer to her, “You sure about that, rockstar?” He asked quietly. The nickname made him feel even fuzzier. “It’s been-… it’s been a pretty stressful day today, I wouldn’t blame you for needing to-…” he hesitated.
Rand was new to this… thing that Kian did sometimes. Before, he hadn’t really heard of it besides people making fun of it and calling people who did it perverted weirdos. It wasn’t like that at all. Admittedly, he didn’t get it at first. It took a bit of explaining for him to get it as much as he did. He still didn’t really get how it all worked, but he got the most important thing about it: that it helped Ki. He got that it made them happy. Rand liked being able to take care of her, anyway.
He offered them an encouraging smile. “You know-… go small, I guess?”
Kian’s heart melted. He was lying. He wasn’t telling the truth, he couldn’t be comfortable with her doing that right now, he had to be- it had to be a trap- Kian swallowed. Her head was racing. She could trust Rand. He could trust Rand and Rolan. She was good enough for them. They’d shown that time and time again, even when he really wasn’t good enough. Finally, finally, she let herself relax and lean onto Rand’s side, the tension left his body, and he let himself slip.
Rand chuckled softly, wrapping an arm around them. The relaxation told him that she’d let herself do what she needed. And that’s what it was: What he needed. It’d been a long day. “There we go, bug,” he said encouragingly.
He had experience dealing with kids when watching his sister. Granted, he wasn’t the best at watching her, and didn’t really… pay as much attention as he should have. But he could do better now. He could look back and see what he should have done. He could give that to Kian.
Kians eyes were wide open and trained on Rand. They seemed a little overwhelmed. Nonetheless, a shy smile smiled up at him.
He smiled back. “Hey, Ki. I actually-… I actually bought you some stuff we can play with, do you want-… do you want to go check it out?”
The statement that he’d bought it wasn’t… entirely the truth. He’d picked it out, but he may or may not have stolen Rolan’s credit card to get it for her. It wasn’t like it really mattered since he knew Rolan certainly would’ve given his credit card to him if he’d asked, but it was just how Rand did things. Rand also knew that Rolan might be upset that he stole the card, but he definitely wouldn’t be upset about what the money was spent on: Kian. She deserved to be spoiled. He deserved to be given everything in the world. It was one of the sentiments that he and Rolan shared.
Kian lit up, sitting up straighter and looking at Rand with pure, unfiltered excitement. Words were… harder when he was small. She felt more bug than human, and, naturally, words were harder for bugs. Human words, at least. She also suppressed a lot less emotion, so even though he had a hard time speaking, the happy buzzing coming from her throat did all the talking for them.
Rand laughed softly. “Alright, come on,” he said, standing up and reaching down to pick Kian up. For the first time in a while, he could feel a bit of resistance to Kian’s weight being lifted around him. It made him happy. She’d been so light for so long. Hated himself, starved himself. Rand was glad he was eating enough that he was gaining weight, now. He held her around his front. “You’re getting big!” He praised her.
Kian buried her face in his shoulder. Later, maybe the words would sting with the stench of her own self loathing. Of oh dear god, I’m getting bigger. I’m getting less thin. But now, it just made him giggle and feel prideful. She was getting bigger! It made Rand happy, so it made her happy too.
Rand carried her to the dining room (a dining room. A room dedicated to dining. Not just a table in the kitchen. It felt odd. It felt rich.) and deposited her on one of the chairs. She kicked her feet placidly while he got a shopping bag and set it on the table.
She bounced in her seat as Rand sat down and pushed the bag towards her. Opening it up made him scream with excitement.
Rand had gotten her play makeup, a coloring book, some beads and string to make bracelets or necklaces with, and one of those special books that have those fun things to touch. This one was about bugs. He liked that it was about bugs, because bugs were like him, so it felt like a book about him.
Rand could not lie and say that he hadn’t chosen the beads and string for someone other than Kian. Rand could not lie and say he hadn’t chosen the beads and string as a gift for someone who would never be receiving it.
Clicks tore from Kian’s throat, a gentle symphony, and she grabbed the makeup first. She knew exactly what he wanted to do with it.
Rand never let her try to do his makeup when she was big, but she was small, and that meant he might say yes. He grabbed the box eagerly and with uncoordinated hands, turning to Rand.
“Ran!” She exclaimed, inadvertently dropping the d in his name. “Wan’ do you,” he said forcefully.
The look on Rand’s face was priceless. Shock, horror, he was appalled. He did not expect this turn of events when buying the makeup. It was beautiful. If Rolan were here to see it, he would laugh.
His smile was awkward now. “You want-… you wanna do my makeup? Bug, I don’t-… I don’t wear makeup,” Rand murmured. Partly because he knew that even as a kid, Kian could probably pull off a decent makeup look. It would be less humiliating if it was bad, but if it was good, then Rand worried he might like what he saw a little too much. Not in, like, a girly way, but in a gay way. Whatever. Semantics of something stupid.
Kian’s wings buzzed behind her (Rand did not recall her wings coming out, but it tended to happen when he went small anyway) as she pulled big puppy-dog eyes. It was impossible to resist.
Rand groaned with a finality, one that said he was giving in. “…fine.”
She clapped her hands excitedly as Rand scooted his chair over in front of her. It was play makeup, so it would either be super translucent, or super pigmented and impossible to wash off. That second possibility worried him.
Kian opened up the palette and gathered some of the makeup on one of the little brushes. Rand swallowed. Kian gestured for him to close his eyes. With slight hesitation, he did.
Her hand was careful. It was careful, but still shaky, because of nerves and being unused to gripping something with such conviction; she’d been away from this for so long. Kian had only recently started doing her makeup again. It felt nice.
Rand felt the little makeup brush (sponge? It was kind of a weird q-tip sponge thing, he didn’t know makeup shit) on his eyelids. He had to fight the urge to blink, because he knew it might mess Ki up.
She hummed a tune that Rand recognized as one of her own songs. It made him happy to hear Kian humming his own music. It made him feel like they were really helping him. They all needed help, but Kian getting better made him feel good.
Kian and Rolan had to help Rand, too. They had to help him learn to not yell and push everyone away. It was hard. He’d always felt like Kian and Rolan were so much better than him. Like they would leave him behind again. But they hadn’t. And now Rand knew that they wouldn’t.
Kian was buzzing. Buzzing and clicking. Rand couldn’t understand what Kian was clicking, but he was pretty sure it wasn’t even really a conscious act anyway. More… instincts. All that mattered to him was that he knew Kian was happy.
She looked at her work- black eyeshadow for Rand. It was very pigmented. It also might cause a rash.He felt like the kind of guy who’d only wear stuff that was black ‘cause it was more masculine. They’d been tempted to add pink, but ultimately chickened out for the fear that maybe Rand might yell at him.
“Open,” she said, voice small and quiet. It took focus to channel things into words.
Rand obeyed, opening his eyes to look at the little bug happily doing his makeup.
She moved to get more makeup, using a different sort of brush this time and grabbing blush. Rand forced himself not to cringe. She went about applying it to his face quickly.
Then, once that was done, it was time for the pinnacle point: lipstick. Rand had seen the lipstick in the little makeup bundle, but he had not considered the fact that she might also put the lipstick on him. It was bright red.
She brought it towards his face, and Rand forced himself to take it. For Ki. For the little bug. As it went on his lips, Rolan came in through the back door. He’d taken Barc out, since Rand was in the shower. Rand could have died of embarrassment as Rolan came in.
Kian felt prideful of her creation. She turned to Rolan, smiling wide and buzzing and clicking and her wings flapped eagerly behind her.
Rolan suppressed a snicker at Rand. Not because he looked bad, no, quite the opposite. Kian did an amazing job on his makeup. He wanted to laugh, though, because of how viscerally uncomfortable Rand looked in it.
Rand only glared at his amused expression, not finding the humor in it.
The clicks coming from Kian shed light on the situation that he would have gotten much slower with words. The parental way he was referring to Rolan immediately let him know that Kian was small. He went over to her and ruffled her hair.
“Rand’s makeup looks good, bug, did you do it for him?” He asked, voice tinged with that honeyed tone reserved for when Kian was little.
She nodded and clicked excitedly, happy for the way that Rolan spoke to her. It meant so much to them, the gentleness in his voice..
Everything was calmed now, and the day was not reduced to one where she was horridly overwhelmed. Kian’s eyes started to feel heavy as he relaxed.
Rand caught it quickly, having attuned himself to each minute body language and expression that Kian had far earlier on when things were worse off with them. To check that she wasn’t lying. To try and make sure he was okay. It wasn’t as necessary anymore, since he was more willing to accept help, but they still sucked at asking for it. On that level, it came in handy.
He faked a yawn, trying to get Kian to notice. “Wow, Ki,” he began, “I’m getting tired. How about you, dude? You ready for bed?”
With the way that his eyes threatened to close on him, Kian knew that he definitely should concede and go to bed. But she did not want to sleep. She wanted to stay up and play with her new things and spend time with Rand and Rolan.
Rolan chipped in, “Yeah, bug, why don’t we go get to bed? Get all nice and warm in the nest, what do you think?” He tried catering to her bug side, hoping the more instinctual part of him would give in.
Putting Kian to bed wasn’t an easy thing. It wasn’t a hard thing, but Kian tended to be at a stubborn every time she’d had to be put down to sleep. He wanted more time with his friends. She always got sleepy when they were little, mostly because they mostly went little after a long, stressful day. It did make Kian upset, though, when she just wanted more time to play. It didn’t
She could not help yawning back at Rand. Despite how tempting the offer of being warm and safe in their nest, he buzzed at him defiantly. “No,” she grumbled, crossing their arms and looking away. It wasn’t fair. “Play,” she clicked stubbornly.
Rolan sighed. He’d had some experience dealing with kids. His ex-girlfriend had a little brother she’d been forced to care for due to how her parents were. They weren’t exactly good people. He’d helped a lot, and even babysat the kid when she couldn’t take care of him. He knew a few tricks for putting little ones to bed.
Rand shot a look at Rolan, trying to ask him with his eyes what the fuck Kian just said. Rolan turned to Ki. “You can play tomorrow, but you have to go to bed so you’ll have energy to play.”
Logic and reason were effective measures against little ones, especially when that logic and reason was also combined with scare tactics. You won’t be able to play tomorrow if you don’t sleep!
Kian frowned, because he knew Rolan was right. She just didn’t want him to be.
Rand stood up from his chair, suddenly”. It scraped against the floor: an awful, grating sound that made both Kian and Rolan cringe due to their sensitive hearing.
Rand didn’t notice, preoccupied with his sudden brilliant idea on how to make things easier for Kian. He went over to the cabinets, rifling through them and trying to find Kian’s sippy cup. He was worried they hadn’t washed it since last time- that maybe it was stuck in the side of the bed rotting with the scent of acrid milk that somehow none of them had smelt- until he finally felt it behind a bunch of shitty cups they’d gotten from all over the place. Some of them he stole from restaurants, Rolan bought some actual new cups, and he was pretty sure Kian had thrifted a few. The cups didn’t matter. He went over to the fridge, opened it, and definitely did not struggle to pick up the jug of milk with one hand and set it on the counter to pour.
Once the milk was poured, he screwed up the top part and threw it in the microwave for, like, thirty seconds. Kian and Rolan blinked at him.
“Milk,” he said slowly, “For Ki. So-…so she can sleep better.”
Kian’s pout was not something one could easily miss. Rolan rubbed his shoulders comfortingly, pressing a soft kiss onto Kian’s forehead.
“Come on, bug, it’ll be good for you. And you know how nice it’ll feel,” Rolan spoke softly. He knew how it felt to be in a nest with the ones he loved. He knew Kian felt the same. He knew they both felt that comforting murmur in their heads that said hivesafehappywarmnestsafehivesafe. He knew how relieving it felt.
Slowly, his arms untugged from their stiff spot in enforcing a cross-armed glare. The microwave beeped loudly, and Rand quickly got the warm sippy from inside, trying not to let it ring for too long because he knew how much that screeching hurt his friends' sensitive ears.
Kian’s hands wrapped around it easily now that they’d given in. The warmth that spread through their fingers and the feeling of rubbing her digits over all the ridges and valleys in the plastic of the cup was so blissful. He yawned again, this time bringing the sippy up to her lips and feeling that sleep tug at her soul even more. The comforting suckling of the nub for the sippy was so perfect. They were safe. He was loved. She was with her hive.
A pair of arms scooped her up and held her easily. It was getting to the point where it took her a few moments to process who it was before leaning into Rolan’s shirt.
Rand smiled at Rolan softly. It was times like these where such an expression came easy to him. Where he didnt smirk or do a stupid smug smile, or grimace or outright frown. Right now, he could let his softness show. It was getting easier for him, lately. Rolan returned his smile.
She was devoid of words, nothing more than a pleasant buzzing escaping them as he was carried towards what he could only assume was the bedroom they all shared. It was hard to sleep alone. Having the ones they all loved around them helped that gnawing fear each night that they’d wake up and the others would be gone. It was more of a problem for Rand and Kian, but Rolan struggled with it too after Galloway.
Kian’s eyes were closed when she felt herself lowered onto soft bedding. He whined at the temporary loss of Rolan’s arms around her, even bothering to open their eyes slightly to try and find him. Their worry didn’t last long when they felt Rand’s arms wrapping around them and propping her up against his chest while he himself leaned against the wall of the nest.
The nest was what they lovingly referred to their bed as when extra pillows and blankets were stacked on top of it because of bug instincts. AKA, most of the time.
Kian heard fabric against fabric as Rolan slid into something a little more comfortable than what he’d worn out to shop in. All that mattered to her, though, was the feeling as he slid into bed and hugged her.
Both of them were wrapped around her, and it was such a perfect, comforting feeling. Rand ran his fingers through her hair, and she treasured it. Rolan was clicking things at her. Warm, safe, happy things. She was too tired to register what they were except for the warm feeling it put in his chest. Their grip on their sippy cup loosened, and he cuddled further into her friends as they let sleep take them.