Chapter Text
Hide's eyes were stuck on the subtle swaying of Kaneki's ankles, calculating just how far the other's feet were away from the floor, busying his mind. He was extremely thankful that Kaneki wasn't facing him, he wouldn't have been able to move had those lifeless eyes been upon him, reminding him of every single way he'd failed the other.
The funeral was a loveless and hollow affair, it left Hide feeling as though someone had scooped out his insides with a spoon. Kaneki's aunt's crocodile tears chewed on what was left in there, she might as well have spat on the grave for all those tears were worth.
The more days that filled the distance between them, the emptier Hide felt, as though time was stealing parts of his life. His eyes and throat stung from the amount of crying he'd done, crumpled like wet origami on the floor of his apartment, curled around something that meant something to the two of them.
Things he loved could no longer make him smile, flowers turned to thorns in his hands, piercing his skin. A hollow ache, there was a noise rattling in his chest and he felt as though it would echo for eternity.
Stood in front of Kaneki's apartment, he'd volunteered to clean it out eagerly, he wouldn't allow that women to foul what little was left of his best friend. The place was just as empty and kind of soulless as it had always been, Kaneki didn't like to leave his mark on anything, that was true with practically everyone and everything apart from Hide.
The only thing that left any notion of the person that Kaneki was were the mountain of books piled by the side of the other's bed, paperbacks curled and bent with love and age, dusty and worn sleeves of hardbacks. Hide wanted to keep them all, it meant many trips from here to his apartment and back but it didn't matter to him, he wanted to keep a hold of every little piece of Kaneki there was left. It would keep his mind off of the closet for a time anyways.
Reading every blurb of the books scattered across his bedroom floor, most were mysteries, stories of morbid designs. There were a few that were more light hearted, but they were wildly in the minority. It seemed that Kaneki preferred to read about things he could relate to than wholly escaping into a beautiful world that was better than the one he had lived in. Maybe Kaneki's life had been far too torturous for the other to fall into the reverie of a better life, maybe Kaneki just simply couldn't fathom it.
Those thoughts made Hide feel rotten to the core, how he'd never been able to really reach the other. He'd never been able to completely take a hold of Kaneki and show the other what they'd brought into his life. The worst thing was knowing that Kaneki had died believing himself to be a burden to Hide, it was almost too painful to think about.
He stacked and ordered the books delicately in his cupboard, like precious relics, knowing that he'd never read a single one of them.
Then there was the closet, the clothes, the damn clothes that still held Kaneki's particular scent. Hide had great difficulty keeping his hands off of them, could hardly pull the fabric from under his nose. They were all clean to the point that they could be passed off as never worn, it was like Kaneki had never really lived.
In all honesty, Kaneki was someone that had just existed, trying their best to avoid pain and hurting others at all costs. It was a pitiful existence and Hide had felt like the only one to genuinely pity the other.
Hide felt it within himself too, coasting from day to day, feeling buoyant, maybe Kaneki thought of him as an anchor grounding Kaneki to the Earth. For Hide though, their relationship was of mutual support, even if Kaneki had no idea how much that he had done for Hide.
Kaneki had meant, still meant the world to him, meant the whole universe with everything good and bad in it.
What was he supposed to do when his whole universe disappeared, he didn't have any idea, he didn't know what he was doing anymore. Living without aim, without a destination and without purpose.
He stood out in the middle of the night, on the middle of the bridge fingers wrapped around the railing staring up at the stars.
He could have said the things he'd kept in his heart, easily, those words would have poured out of him with such ease it was laughable. Hide didn't though, he didn't know why he'd never said those words, maybe he'd been waiting for Kaneki to be in a place to be able believe that Hide loved him.
Hide had wasted his time, time was finite, possibly the most finite of things that Hide had allowed to slip between his fingers. Vaulting over the railing, it really wasn't high enough, air rushing past his face. There was only one thought in his mind.
Really, what a waste.
He closed his eyes, just waiting for it all to be over.
It never ended though, the sea never reached him, pain never came to him. Instead, his alarm went off, an alarm he hadn't heard in years. Opening his eyes, Hide turned his head to the side and was faced with the window that had been above his bed when he was eight.
He sat bolt upright, sheets falling away from his body, alarm sounding more like a siren screaming at him, signifying that something was wrong. Looking down at his body, he found it to be the body of an eight year old.
Had he been dreaming all this time? Was that even possible, surely not.
Hide slammed his palm down against his alarm clock, hard enough to hurt himself. Pain ringing out like a current running underneath his skin, suddenly interacting with the world and feeling the world touch him back was remarkable.
Throwing aside his blankets and jumping out of his bed, he knew what day it was, there really was no other day that it could be.
Tearing through his house, his completely empty house, thinking the same thought he had the entire time he'd lived there.
What use was a home that no one really lived in?
Eagerly pulling on his clothes and wolfing down the breakfast he'd made himself, having to slow himself down so as though not to give himself indigestion. Making certain that he had his keys before he slammed the door shut, making the frame shudder even with his childish strength.
He tired to pace himself on the way to school, tried not to run the entire way there.
Finding his name upon the desk of his classroom, it was a different one to what he remembered. Maybe things had changed slightly, maybe he'd remembered it wrong, maybe it should matter, maybe it shouldn't. He couldn't really think of anything other than who he was waiting to enter the room next.
There Kaneki was, young and smiling and beautiful. And much like he had on the real first time he'd met the other, Hide spent almost the entire time watching Kaneki. Overwhelmed, he remembered being overwhelmed hearing the other boy speak, it was a feeling akin to the fall he'd had that morning instead he wasn't actually moving this time, nothing seemed to have changed at all from an outside perspective. Inside through, Hide's gut had dropped, gravity pushing down on his insides.
He wasn't the kind that believed in love at first sight, even at such young age. At that age he had already grabbed a hold of realism, that thing that adults kept at bay and children ran from. It had sought him out and there was no such thing as unlearning or unknowing something.
It was the way Kaneki had spoken, had sat, had moved and the other's particular choice of words that tore the ground beneath Hide apart.
Chasing after Kaneki after school, remembering that those boys would be there teasing the other. Running between them, pulling Kaneki away from the other boys, grabbing Kaneki by the wrist and away from them like he had wanted to the first time.
There was a sharp pull on the back of his jumper, yanking him backward and Hide let go.
He had hit the concrete like a disembodied slab of meat, he'd hardly registered the knuckles scraping against his brow. That seemed to be enough though and the boys left, Kaneki was stood there in the middle of the path watching Hide struggle to stand.
His head was hammering as he stood, feeling dizzy and light headed. Wiping his hand over his brow, pulling it away to look at his palm slightly relieved that he wasn't bleeding. His head throbbed though, there would definitely be a bruise.
that really didn't matter though, Kaneki was there, right in front of him. Naturally nothing else mattered at all.
"Hey," Hide said, stepping toward the other, "do you want to be my friend?" He asked, smiling as bright as he could.