Work Text:
A dull ache. An uneasiness crawling up his spine almost unnoticeable, like a spider. Then a stronger discomfort, feeling like a stone was thrown at him. Followed by a sweet deceiving numbness streaming down his leg, embracing it tight and taking his whole leg away with it. It’s just a travesty, an illusion of comfort, Viktor knows, yet he gladly takes it even if it just means he can gain a few more minutes of work while ignoring his problems.
He was sitting at his desk in the lab, working late as always, and Jayce was with him, working just as hard at his desk on the other side of the room. It was a normal day, the familiarity of it almost comforting. They didn’t even have to talk to one another to silently agree on the fact that they were finishing that scheme tonight and it would be so perfect they would start building a prototype first thing in the morning. It was only natural, when you are so close to finishing something, that you could almost feel it’s heaviness in your hands, it pushed you to work without thinking of anything else, it absorbs you into what some call “the zone”, where you can stay glued to your task for hours without even noticing that any time at all has passed. They, too, were lucky to have found it and yet…
The numbness was slowly leaving, and like a monster hidden behind a curtain, the pain was back, this time sinking its teeth in without mercy. Viktor grit his teeth. This was bad. A bad flare-up. And it was starting to unfold right here, right now.
Their lab has seen many things, unsightly things as well, of all kinds. But Jayce was here as well, and he didn’t need to see any of Viktor’s pain crawling its way up his throat and out. So Viktor played it cool. He grabbed his crutch and silently got up, swallowing down a whimper when he did so. Or maybe more of them as he made his way to the door. Jayce seemed to have paid him no mind as he slowly walked around the lab, but he did turn his head when he heard the door opening.
“Where ya’going?” he asked, not without a hint of tiredness in his voice and maybe interest in his eyes, as he thought Viktor might go to the coffee machine down the hall.
Viktor coughed to stabilize his voice a bit “Just the bathroom.”
Jayce’s figure slumped back in his chair, clearly losing interest for what proved out to be not a trip to the coffee machine, or to the snack bar downstairs. “Okay” he called back, just to end the conversation politely, then Viktor was out the door.
Now that he was standing in the dimly lit hallway, it really was a short way to the bathroom. Because he didn’t lie about that. People have told him he’s a terrible liar, even though Jayce was gullible enough for it not to matter in this context.
He allowed himself to breathe more loudly as he was still holding in the pain. Just a few more steps and then victory. He reached the bathroom’s heavy wooden door and opened it to slip inside, locking it right after with a slick rotation of the key. Now he could let out some steam and maybe even swear a bit, just among him and the four tiled walls encircling him, protecting him from anyone else.
He never really learned how to externalize his emotions or even simple feelings. He grew up knowing that every weakness had to be hidden behind a strong mask and everything else was, well, just his stupid emotions. Why would anyone else want to see that? Hell, he didn’t even want to see that. So he never really, burst out, in anything for that matter. Not in anger, not in full-blown laughter, nor in tears. Actually, he used to cry quite a lot as a child. Whenever something hurt, he cried. Whenever someone yelled at him too harshly, he cried. Whenever other kids would make fun of him and torment him, he cried. Whenever his mother was suffering, he cried, although she didn’t … and maybe now as an adult he started to understand her better. He doesn’t even remember the last time he cried. Crying served for nothing. It was just a horrible reaction forced onto someone by their mind and body, and thus better at bay. Or maybe he was so desensitized and used to the sorrows of life that crying just served him personally no good.
Yet, as he was sliding down the cool bathroom wall, reaching the ground and almost instantly curling inwards because of the pain, he couldn’t thing as straight as he before. The pain didn’t calm down, instead, the first beast was joined by a pack of others, each bigger and more ferocious than the last, ripping and chewing ferociously at his nerves and muscles, all the way from the lower half of his back to the tip of his right toe. He usually felt pain there, but the brace and medicine helped keep it in check. He wasn’t sure when was the last time it felt this bad. What did he do recently? What did he do to deserve this?
Each breath turned into a whimper as he writhed in pain, trying to find a position that was slightly less excruciating than what he was feeling right now. He tried reaching for his bad leg, to straighten it and force it into a normal position but the moment his shaky hand pushed onto his knee, white hot lava fell onto him, his vision going white along with it as he was pretty sure he might have let out a scream. A primal, senseless fear dripped like poison over his thoughts, making him wonder if he would ever get up from this bathroom floor again. Hot fat tears flooded his eyes before rolling down his hollow cheeks, salting his lips and offering no comfort.
-------------------------------------
Jayce went back to his work after Viktor left, trying to add some finishing touches to the part of the scheme he was working on, but knowing he was just faking productivity by this point, his mind gone elsewhere. But he kept going, adding a little line on paper, staring at the pattern of the curtain, jotting down some measurements on the side, then staring at the thin lacquer coat on the desk, spinning the pencil on his hand, then looking at the clock as its hands moved and …. wait a second, Viktor said he was just going to the bathroom, what the heck is taking him so long?
Of course, there were many possible reasons, but when he was focused on work, Jayce noticed that Viktor would either take no bathroom breaks at all or made them so short that he wondered if the man had a secret technique or something. This was definitely too long, and Jayce was getting uncomfortable sitting at the lab alone, waiting for him. Plus, his legs were sore as well, it wouldn’t hurt to take a walk down the hallway just to see what Viktor’s doing.
Denying any hint of worry he might or might not feel, he got up from his chair, stretched a bit and went out the lab door straight to the common bathroom just a few steps away, stopping in front of the door when he saw it locked.
“Viktor? Are you in there? Everything okay?” he asked loudly, hoping it would go through that thick wooden door they somehow decided to choose for the bathroom, of all places.
No answer.
He leaned in, bringing his ear closer to the door, expecting a quiet helpful hint from the other side but instead he flinched away as a loud voice called back.
“I’m… okay”
It was unmistakenly Viktor, his accent strong, but it sounded strained. Forced. Painful. Jayce was taken aback, a rush of anxiety flowing through him and settling uncomfortably in his stomach. He leaned closer again, much closer now, ear touching the hard wood as he spoke in a softer voice:
“Are you sure?”
Before another word was spoken Jayce could hear what was going on inside. Gasped breathing, muffled sobs, gut-wrenching whines.
“VIKTOR! Open up, please! What’s wrong??”
All attempts at keeping his worry in check jumped out the window when he heard those sounds as he yelled and almost ripped the door open himself. That can’t be Viktor, it can’t. Viktor never cries, not loud like that, not with ugly sobs, and not even in general at all. He’s seen him almost cut his finger off during an experiment and he didn’t cry. Or fail another experiment after months of preparing for it, the pent-up stress probably thicker than the meat on his bones, and he didn’t cry. So this was scary, whatever was happening right now scared Jayce to the core.
“Please, Viktor…. open up. Can you… do that? I want to help…” This was his last desperate plea for Viktor to open the door and everything to be okay before he would rush to the lab to get whatever tool could unlock, sear or break that door open without hurting the man inside.
Then, as if through a miracle, the lock turned from the inside, very slowly as if his partner was having trouble with it.
As Jayce pushed the door open gently, careful Viktor might still be close to it, there was his voice again, much quieter.
“I’m okay…Jayce”
And that tiny voice alone might have broken Jayce’s heart in two, before the sight that greeted him in the bathroom finished the job and shattered the broken pieces to fine dust. There, in a heap on the floor, barely leaning on the wall, was his partner. His hair hung limply over his forehead and when he looked up, gods when he looked up, Jayce could see the tear streaks and the pain embedded in his features, yet he was holding it in. His breathing came out in short uneven puffs, his inhales were shaky, his eyes were red and glistening with moisture.
Jayce crouched down, slowly, as close to Viktor as possible without overwhelming him and spoke in the softest voice he could muster.
“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to hold it in… what hurts? How can I help?”
Viktor looked him in the eyes, searching for any hint of pity, of how Jayce will never see him the same again, of disgust maybe or just plain disappointment… but he found none.
“Could you…bring me…my medicine” he answered in a thin voice, the emotions he felt almost strong enough to block out a bit of the pain.
Jayce nodded with determination and he was instantly out the door, the sound of his big heavy steps echoing down the hall.
The man on the floor let out another sob, tears coming right back down before, a minute later, he was sucking them back in as Jayce sprinted back in the bathroom, barely holding in his open hands what was clearly every single medicine bottle he found in Viktor’s drawers.
Viktor couldn’t help but smile a bit through the pain at the scene in front of him. As Jayce crouched back down, he grabbed a transparent glass bottle from his hands and thankfully took a pill out, placing it in his mouth and swallowing it dry, praying to the gods he was sure weren’t up there, that it would take effect soon.
Jayce just watched frozen in place, letting the pill bottles slip from his hands as he was fighting the urge to wrap Viktor in a fluffy blanket and hug him tomorrow. He also hoped that pill, probably some painkiller, that he took would work its magic soon, but whatever position Viktor was staying right now in, and all those hiccupped breaths as he was holding down tears couldn’t be comfortable.
“Do you think…I can help you back to the lab? On the couch?” his eyes were pleading.
“Y..yeah, sounds good” came the reply in a voice so shaky that Viktor was immediately embarrassed of it.
But Jayce just smiled warmly at him as he tenderly helped Viktor up from in more of a sitting position.
“Can you walk? With me and the crutch? Or….” Jayce asked hesitantly
“Yes, yes I can. I’ll just…need help” Viktor replied after clearing his throat a bit aggressively.
So Jayce picked him up from the floor, like a newborn kitten, handed him his crutch and looped Viktor’s other arm around his back as he supported him with strong hands.
Slowly, in silence, they made their way to the lab’s couch, where Viktor would have plainly collapsed if it wasn’t for Jayce’s warm hands, lowering him down gently. He was still feeling like shit, but the medication did take the edge off that sudden pain flare-up. And he was now completely wasted on those cushions, still sniffling… how pathetic.
He was brought out of his thoughts by the couch cushions dipping down next to him, causing his almost limp body to slide down a bit towards that big indentation, like a ship swallowed by a vortex on the sea, only for him to collide with a big warm ball of softness. Of course that was Jayce. Of course he was looking at him now with those puppy eyes that almost burst into tears as if he was the one holding back a lifetime of emotion encapsulated between a couple of weak ribs and a negligeable layer of skin. Why does he look at him like that? Why was he so close and warm and irresistible…?
Maybe that last thought somehow became readable from his eyes because the moment Jayce saw…whatever it was that he saw, he instantly opened his big arms and hugged Viktor as if the thinner man would disappear into a different, magical realm if he wasn’t held tightly.
While Viktor, faced with the deed already done, just pushed away all of his negative thoughts and leaned into the hug, feeling safer and warmer than he felt… in a long time. Jayce’s hand was slowly moving up and down his back, feeling Viktor lean into the caresses, before almost whispering:
“Hey Vik…you know it’s okay to cry, right? Everyone cries from time to time and I heard that’s healthy. I personally cry, um, sometimes, and it’s no big deal” whispers turned into babbles “Just know that you can cry, and talk about your pain, and do whatever else you feel like doing…I’m just here for you, in case you ever ugh, need me, or something”
Viktor smiled and almost chuckled at his rushed pep talk? Friendship confession? It warmed him even more than Jayce’s scorching body heat. And for some reason, that honest smile was like a broken faucet lever, and the moment emotions were turned on to release that smile, the lever broke and without warning a full cascade of tears was now streaming down Viktor’s cheeks again. He physically couldn’t stop it. The tears and shattered sounds escaped his eyes, his lips, his nose, his … heart. As he grabbed Jayce’s warm torso, gripping his shirt, burrowing his head into his blissful softness, and hanging onto it, again like that ship in a vortex, but this time he had an anchor, and his anchor was strong, warm, unmoveable.
Jayce couldn’t deny the way his heart skipped a beat when unexpectedly Viktor all but exploded in tears, clutching him like a lifeline. “That’s it…it’s okay, you can let go, cry it all out” he murmured softly, holding and stroking Viktor as he would a scared kitten.
And the smaller, scared, happy, overwhelmed, in pain, comforted, defeated, excited, devastated, hungry, thirsty, sleepy, loved, undeserving, confused, tired, defeated, yearning… man, cried it all out. And he never felt so… relieved before, as he let himself fade away into the puddle of emotions on Jayce’s shirt.