Chapter Text
Nobody knew half of how bad things had actually been for Siffrin. Isabeau and the rest of the party members had been trying to get them to talk about it for a while now, but he just… didn’t want to.
“It’ll make you sad,” they insisted. “Or make me feel embarrassed. I’m just happy to be here now .”
But Odile had eventually cornered him to agree to a condition:
One scary thing per day. Doesn’t have to be the scary thing, but just… one.
They’d sit around the campfire and each of them would talk about something that was bothering them, or that they wanted to air out. And they always made sure Siffrin was right in the middle of the queue, so he didn’t feel put on the spot.
The first couple nights went… well. All things considered.
Odile talked about how she had accidentally left a novel she was reading at an inn a few towns back, to open things. Mirabelle confessed that the change god hadn’t really blessed her and for everyone to pretty please keep it a secret. Isa talked about his dream of becoming a fashion designer and all the pitfalls therein. Bonnie talked about missing their sister, and hoping she isn’t panicking, and about how they wanted to do more for the party. For their family.
And Siffrin, simply said:
“Um… I missed a key. In one of the rooms. A key we would have needed later on. I’m sorry.”
He said it like it was some sort of great tragedy. A heavy shame came with it.
Everyone reassured him that no, Siffrin, everyone wants to help. If nobody caught it, it’s not their fault.
Siffrin didn’t seem satisfied by that, but they shrugged it off anyway.
Every night this continued. They learned more about the little minuta of the loops. Nobody was okay with the fact that Siffrin died over and over again, but… they understood a little better why Siffrin didn’t mind it as much towards the end.
Dying meant no more Siffrin. It wasn’t really dying, it was more like… just, intense pain for him.
Not okay. But when Siffrin mentioned being fatally allergic to pineapple, and Bonnie realized what that meant, they were less… apoplectic than everyone else had worried they’d be.
“It’s… good that we didn’t have to find that out once you stopped being able to come back. Because now we know, and it won’t be a problem.”
They seemed very sure about this.
“And if a pineapple gets close to you, we’ll beat it up.”
Isabeau was starting to notice something, though. Every time it was Siffrin’s turn to share, they’d be staring right at him. They’d go still for a moment, then tuck their face into their cloak and say something that had nothing to do with Isa.
Like there was a confession relating to him that they couldn’t share.
(Siffrin was no stranger to intrusive thoughts. But this was… different. Normally their intrusive thoughts would focus on self harm, on dramatic displays of suffering. And of course they didn’t like them, that’s what made them intrusive , but they’d gotten easier to manage since ending the loops. Easier to let go of.
But these thoughts were… more external. Thoughts of finding some abandoned house, cleaning it out and making it his own, keeping his family inside and freezing it like the king had so nothing bad can ever happen to them again. Thoughts of keeping Isabeau specifically frozen in time whenever he smiled at them, keeping him like a pretty statue that Siffrin can kiss and hold and treasure and never ever ever allow to leave his side again.
And really, Siffrin was more disturbed by these thoughts than he had ever been by the graphic images of blood and viscera. Especially since the trigger for it seemed to be Isabeau’s affection. They weren’t even really a couple yet, and this was part of the reason why. If Isabeau was his, then it only made sense that Siffrin would get to keep him , and the deep instinct in Siffrin’s gut told him that meant spiriting him away somewhere safe where nobody else can ever touch him again.
Selfish.
Disgusting , they told themself. They’d already kissed him without permission, the guilt like a ball of molten metal in their stomach whenever Isa got too close.
So they choked the instincts back. Even if all they wanted to do was grab him and haul him off to some dark corner and spend the rest of forever by his side—)
Oh, right. Isa was talking. His thoughts snapped back into the focus of here and now, rather than the spiral that was happening inside his own head.
“—It just felt weird. I thought they were all gonna regret not coming with to help. But… nobody even mentioned it. They all said no when Mira asked them. But instead, they just threw a big welcome-back party for me, and…”
He sighed, hugging himself as he said it. One of his hands nervously ran up and down his arm, and Siffrin felt the urge to replace Isa’s hand with their own. “It just felt… uh…”
“Inauthentic?” Odile asked, raising her eyebrows.
“Yeah!! Inauthentic!” He cried, releasing his hug to gesture wildly towards the others. “Like— if you all thought I was a great hero for doing this, why didn’t you all help?! ”
“‘Cuz they’re big dumb cowards who want someone else to do the work,” Bonnie said, nodding sagely.
“Exactly that, Boniface.” Odile snorted once, shaking her head from side to side - an opposite mirror of their nod. “It’s easier to celebrate someone else’s victory when it had already happened, instead of going forward yourself to work towards it.”
“I know, it just… still makes me mad, though,” he huffed. “Especially since they all said no to Mira before. Like… we all thought the Change God blessed her! It was our job to do that!”
“…Um. I don’t really hold a grudge,” Mirabelle chimed in, shrugging her shoulders. “They just… were scared. We all were, really…”
“Well, yeah, but I’m being mad for you right now!”
Siffrin nodded along, trying to pay attention. It felt a little too easy to fall into the cracks of conversation in times like these. It felt like there was a barrier between everything Before and After the loops, messing with his memory.
But the little spark of indignant fury that remembering how the Defenders treated Isa brought was enough to shock them back to reality.
“They didn’t deserve you,” they blurted out. “You’re too good for them.”
Oh. Was that the wrong thing to say? Isabeau frowned in response to that, visibly gulping a little. Stars. Crab. They could feel just how much of a blinding idiot they were—
“It’s not that, they… I was the worst one? When I was there?” He said, averting his eyes. He pulled himself closer in as he did so. “Like… I dunno. They were all stronger than me, bigger than me, they… took on more serious problems than I did. When I was helping old ladies get their cats out of trees, they were helping de-escalate situations that got violent.”
An uneasy silence washed over the group. The campfire in the center crackled and flickered brightly, dousing Isabeau’s face in light.
They should have been feeling more of that guilt. They should be preemptively punishing themself for making Isabeau sad, they thought. Drill it into their blinding mind, make sure they never forgave themself to make sure they never did it again.
But instead, like the stupid thing they were, they only wanted to hold him instead.
“…Just ‘cuz they’re strong doesn’t mean they can’t also be idiots,” Bonnie muttered, a notable disdain in their voice.
“But they weren’t, ” Isabeau insisted. “They were smart, and brave, too— more than I was. They were problem-solvers, it was our entire job. But when push came to shove, they all just…”
He frowned. Stop it. Stop. Everyone had to stop. They were all making Isabeau sad.
Siffrin dug his fingernails into his arm. Don’t say anything. Don’t lash out. Don’t!!!!
“I—“ Siffrin choked. “I think… maybe, it… shows their character. That when they were needed , they backed out. And you were the only one brave enough to do what had to be done.”
They took a big scoot closer to Isa. Not touching, but… in grabbing range.
(And I wouldn’t ever treat you like that. I wouldn’t piggyback off of your success like that, I’d be worshipping you. I would burn this world down if it meant—)
Siffrin took a deep breath. In and out.
“And I think that you’re all the bravest people I know for doing any of this. I love you.”
Isabeau nodded, wiping his eyes a little. “Yeah… yeah. I know. It still feels bad, but… you’re right. Thanks, Sif.”
“Honestly, I don’t think anyone else could have pulled it off,” Odile chimes in, with a smirk. “If we had a whole town’s worth of Defenders with us, they would have just slowed us down. You were just enough to keep up the pace, and very talented in your own right.”
“Yeah!! You’re strong and cool and brave!” Bonnie had leaped up off their log for emphasis, punching the air a little.
Siffrin and Mirabelle watched the display with a smile, before Mirabelle chimed in. “All of you were perfect. I… couldn’t imagine doing this any other way.”
And, well, Siffrin couldn’t, either.
Despite everything that came with the loops, if it weren’t for them, he would be dead, and the country would be frozen. But the five of them had gone above and beyond to ensure that never happened. Or at least… not in any permanent way.
They relaxed in silence for a while. The crackle of the fire sounded like home again, like a new day, a new sun burning below the horizon to guide them into the future together.
Siffrin looked at his friends. His family.
And for a brief moment, they felt a flicker of contentment with their own state of mind.
Who wouldn’t want to keep them forever?
Even if it was mostly Isabeau that occupied Siffrin’s more… elaborate fantasies, the others would be present in them as well. Either following short behind on a slightly longer proverbial leash, or they just… wouldn’t think anything of the way Siffrin was keeping Isa. Because it’s natural.
They’d catch themself imagining eating dinner together while Isa is tied tightly to a chair and being fed by hand, by Siffrin, nobody batting an eye at the display. It wasn’t ever like Isa was struggling in these fantasies either— he’d be grinning and kicking his legs and blushing and sweating the way he does any time Siffrin decides to get flirty with him.
Siffrin didn’t know why their mind registered what was essentially kidnapping as flirting, expecting Isa to react the same way.
But.
There were a lot of things that Siffrin registered as flirting that Isa didn’t really seem to know what to do with.
For example.
As the campfire began to die down, its light fading, Siffrin kept staring at Isabeau. And then:
Plink.
Tossed a rock at Isa’s boots. A small one, nowhere near hard enough to hurt.
Isa looked up, and grinned widely. Siffrin pretended not to notice. Pretended it didn’t make flowers bloom in their chest.
“Must’ve been the wind,” Siffrin teased, like their cheeks weren’t flushed.
The second Isa looked away, they repeated the action, tossing a pebble at him. This time got a laugh, making Sif go all wide eyed. They probably looked ridiculous. But… this felt like the right thing to be doing.
“What are you doin’, Sif?” There was a smile in his voice now. Were the others staring? Sif couldn’t tell.
They didn’t answer. Very slowly, like they were convinced Isa couldn’t see them when he very much could , they grabbed a small pebble and tossed it at Isa.
He laughed louder this time as it dinged against his boot, staring at Sif with an aching fondness.
And despite Isabeau looking at him like Siffrin was the entire world, Siffrin felt antsy.
Isa wouldn’t throw any of the rocks back.
He was supposed to reciprocate, to play along and indulge them. Had they ever explained that? No, but— but it’s common sense. It’s natural. At least, it felt natural.
It felt a little silly to get all worked up about it, but Siffrin was getting worked up about it. They were inviting Isa to play with them, and he wouldn’t play back.
Siffrin sighed, pursing their lips. A little forlorn and heartbroken in a way that felt irrational and dumb.
Plink. Another rock hit Isabeau. But this one wasn’t from them. Odile grinned over at the other side of the campfire, glad to participate in throw-pebbles-at-Isabeau time.
“Nooooooo!” Isa laughed, shielding himself as Bonnie raced to pick up as many little rocks as they could to toss at a slightly more painful speed. All Siffrin could do was glare at the rest of them, gripping onto his knees with his hands.
No! Not how it was supposed to work. Cutting in on their affections. Making fun of it, even, probably. None of them liked Isabeau like that. This gesture wasn’t for them.
“Siffrin…?”
Their facial expression must have been far clearer than they’d meant to show. Mirabelle was looking at them with a concerned expression, as Isabeau had begun to grab Bonnie and hoist them up in the air to stop the attacks.
“...Are you okay?”
“I—“
They cut themself before they said I’m fine. It’d be a lie, and they were trying not to lie to their family anymore. So what they said instead was:
“…Jealous,” which is true, but…!!! It felt so irrational!!! Silly Siffrin!!!
Mirabelle raised her eyebrows.
Isabeau blushed and scrunched his nose up in confusion, face half hidden behind Bonnie’s hat. “Jealous? Of??? What?????”
Hiding their face in their cloak, woefully hatless, Siffrin huffed. It didn’t make sense but it felt important. That only Siffrin could have this with Isa.
Odile was staring at them, scrutinizing. She raised her eyebrows.
“You know, I’ve read that penguins offer up fancy rocks and pebbles to potential mates as a form of courting.”
Siffrin and Isa both flinched. Save face save face.
“These are normal rocks, though?” Siffrin tilted their head. “But. I dunno, it’s dumb,” they turned away, mumbling into their cloak. “It felt… special, I guess?”
They started spiraling a little. Why was this such a big deal suddenly? It was just rocks. Nobody else thought it was special, clearly, so why—
“Special in what way?” Odile seemed interested, at least. Maybe that was good? Or maybe it was bad. Maybe Siffrin was being suspicious again.
“Um… I dunno. Like… like that’s what you’re supposed to do.”
He couldn’t say because that’s how you’re supposed to flirt with a potential partner. You play little games like that and normally everyone else graciously pretends not to notice you doing it. And if they don’t reciprocate, then they don’t throw anything back. That’d kill Isa all the way dead! Being forthright about their intentions?! No!!!!!
This was— this was the right way to do things. The proper way to do things, and Siffrin knew that, instinctually.
“ Fascinating ,” Odile raised her eyebrows. She then took out her notebook, flipping towards the center and making a note.
Mirabelle “discreetly” leaned over, peering at Odile’s notes, only to frown and look away. Siffrin guessed it wasn’t written in Vaugardian. He felt a wave of relief, happy to not need to host a funeral pyre for his own privacy.
“Sorry, Frin…” Bonnie mumbled, still held up under one of Isabeau’s arms. Like a purse. “I can throw rocks at you too if that’d help!!”
They grinned so brightly, eyes shining at the idea of being allowed to throw rocks at people. But that wasn’t how it worked. Bonnie liked to throw rocks at anyone. It was just a regular game for them.
“Uh, no, it’s— special,” Siffrin repeated. He couldn’t just tell them. He had to save face, think, think, think— “You can, uh, throw sticks. At me. Instead.”
“YESSSS.” Bonnie wiggled around in Isabeau’s grasp, trying to squirm out so they could renew their attack. “Za, Za, Za. Lemme out. I’ve gotta attack ‘im.”
“H—hold on, no, I’m not letting you attack Sif…!” Isabeau laughed, renewing his efforts in keeping Bonnie held up and off the ground. They were too slippery for him, however, and eventually got out, landing on the ground with a haphazard thunk, but getting back up again and giggling in a sinister manner as they scrambled across the ground to find any twigs they could.
“Now, now, Boniface. Sticks and stones break bones,” Odile warned, but did nothing to actually get up and stop them.
Siffrin laughed, preparing to start dodging Bonnie’s stick-based attacks. It wasn’t that hard— Bonnie just wasn’t as skilled with any kind of ranged warfare. Siffrin ducked and weaved around every branch effortlessly.
Bonnie huffed, snapping a branch over their knee. “Hold! Still!!!”
Siffrin stuck their tongue out.
“Let’s—“ Mira put her hand on Bonnie’s hat. “Let’s try not running near the campfire while carrying flammable objects!”
Siffrin and Bonnie both frowned deeply. Banned from shenanigans? A terrible fate!!! They both sat back down with a humph , next to Isa.
They continued to joke and jest through the night, chatting and occasionally cooking various vegetables over the open flame.
Siffrin occasionally caught Mirabelle whispering to Odile, and vise versa, which was probably a bad omen. Girls only book club stuff, they prayed.
The way Mirabelle kept glancing towards them, trying to be discreet, was a worse omen, though.
Eventually, Isabeau got up, gesturing to Bonnie and asking if they still wanted to learn how to put out a campfire safely. The two of them went off towards the river to gather some water, and then Odile muttered something about needing her sleep, and got into her tent.
The only logical thing to do then was to go into their own tent, and try to fall asleep. They were glad they got that new fur-lined sleeping bag the last few towns over. They never knew it could be this comfortable to travel. Perhaps there still were little treats out there for them to still discover…
As they could hear Bonnie & Isabeau’s idle chatter from outside, too soft to hear properly, it was natural to close their eye and drift off, soft and safe. …Maybe someday, Isabeau would be willing to sleep next to them, to close that little gap of space between them whenever they shared beds or tents. What a treat that would be.
Until then, they would just have to think about it. It was fine if they just thought about it, and didn’t tell anyone. Nobody would know that they pretended some of the softness of their sleeping bag was his hair, like they snuggled up behind him to spoon him gently, and give him little kisses on the back of his head.
Nope. Nobody needs to know about that but Siffrin. And if they had it their way, nobody would ever learn.
After a while they felt Isa climb in as well, half-asleep. The blankets shifted as he laid down, and like he had been ever since the loops broke, he placed a hand against Siffrin’s side for a split second.
That was all.
But to Siffrin, it felt like being nailed down during a storm. Like all the weird vertigo and weightlessness that they felt whenever they tried to sleep was finally gone, kept safe in safe hands.
“ G’night, buddy,” Isa spoke softly, before laying down, taking his hand and his warmth and his weight with him.
And in their mind, Siffrin couldn’t help but fantasize about tying Isa’s wrists around their chest and making sure he can’t let go even while they sleep.
And that thought was what kept them sane as they drifted off to the sound of Isa’s steady snoring.