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Growing up, Eddie had been taught that everything he did had to be perfect, that failure was something to be feared, something to be hidden at all costs. The relentless expectations of his catholic upbringing were ingrained in him from a young age, each prayer whispered in the dark a reminder of the sins he had to make up for. The guilt never stopped, not even as he aged and moved away from his parent’s strict house. It followed him into adulthood, into relationships, and even into fatherhood. In the quiet moments, when he was left alone with his thoughts, it all came crashing back ,the things he’d done, the things he hadn’t done, the people he had hurt, and the people he had failed. His son that he failed. He couldn’t escape the suffocating grip of the past, and it only got worse as the years wore on.
It wasn’t that Eddie was a bad person. Quite the opposite. He was a hero to many, a man who would risk everything to save someone else. But in the quiet moments, when he wasn’t busy with the chaos of his job or the distractions of life, the truth settled in. He didn’t know how to forgive himself. He didn’t know how to make peace with the things he’d done or the things he hadn’t done. And in a world that demanded so much from him, he couldn’t bring himself to ask for help either. Every decision he made felt tainted by doubt, and every step forward was overshadowed by the weight of past mistakes. Each day he wake up, Eddie could feel the walls closing in around him, and no matter how many people he saved, no matter how many good deeds he did, it never felt like enough. The guilt was relentless from such a young age. And he didn’t know if he would ever be able to shake it.
Eddie sat at the small table, absently stirring his coffee, the steam rising in the dimly lit corner of the coffee shop. Brian, a priest he’d met weeks ago after his confession and get close by, sat across from him, eyes full of quiet concern. The kind of concern Eddie had always tried to dismiss, but today, it felt different. Talking with Brain was easy today, it was easy for him to pull down his walls for once.
“Eddie,” Brian said softly, his hands wrapped around his own cup.“You don’t have to carry all of this alone. You have your friends, your family. You know you can rely on them right? You deserve to find peace, real peace.”
Eddie’s laugh was dry, the sound of it harsh in the otherwise quiet space. He shook his head, looking away, as if trying to distance himself from the words that sounded too good to be true.
“I don’t deserve joy,” Eddie muttered, his voice low, barely audible over the quiet hum of the cafe. “I’ve ruined everything… especially with my son. He’s gone now. I pushed him away. And now—” He swallowed hard, the lump in his throat making it hard to speak. “Now it’s too late. He doesn’t want to talk me anymore, sometimes he doesn’t pick up the phone when I call him even if he does we doesn’t talk that much. I tried you know? The joy part. But I don’t think dancing in my underwears did anything.”
Brian stayed silent for a moment, studying Eddie closely. He could see the depth of pain in the other man’s eyes, the heaviness in the way Eddie carried himself, like he was suffocating under an invisible weight. But there was more than just grief here. There was something Eddie wasn’t saying, something that seemed buried deep under all that guilt. Brian had worked with enough people, heard enough confessions, to recognize it: the internal struggle that Eddie had yet to confront, the way he kept parts of himself locked away. But Brian couldn’t name it. Not here, not like this.
“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Brian said, his voice thick with empathy. “I know you’re hurting. But you’re not defined by what you’ve lost or what you think you’ve ruined. You’re not defined by your past mistakes. You can always try to fix things, try to find another way out. Also I think I’m good with not knowing about you dancing in your underwear.” Eddie left out a little chuckle before returning his upset himself.
“I don’t think you understand the damage I caused. I knew I wasn’t enough for him from the very beginning. Even before he was born. I knew I wasn’t going to be the father he needed me to be. He needed me to be someone different, someone better.”
His hands tightened around his coffee cup, his throat was tight. “I was never enough for anyone. Not my son, not my parents, not for anyone. It’s always been this way.”
Brian hesitated, his gaze softening. He wanted to reach across the table, to offer some comfort, but he could sense the walls Eddie had built around himself—walls that kept him from truly facing the pain he carried. The guilt wasn’t just about his son. It ran deeper than that. It had to.
“I’m not just talking about your son, Eddie,” Brian said carefully, his voice low but earnest. “You can find peace. But you have to be willing to open up, to let go of the idea that you’re too broken, too far gone to ever have joy. You deserve happiness, despite everything. You don’t have to punish yourself.”
Eddie’s laugh was more a scoff than anything else. “Punish myself? That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. Every day, I punish myself for failing. For not being good enough. For... for things I can’t even talk about.”
He glanced at Brian briefly, then looked away, his face hardening as if ashamed of even saying that much. Brian noticed the shift in Eddie's demeanor—how his walls came up so quickly, how the words he didn’t say seemed to scream louder than anything he had spoken aloud. Brian wasn’t blind to what he was seeing, the tension, the internal conflict, but he knew this wasn’t the time to push. Not yet.
“I know it’s hard, Eddie. But forgiveness—it’s not something that happens all at once. You don’t just wake up and feel better. But it’s there, waiting for you, if you can find a way to let go of the shame.”
Eddie shook his head again, his eyes distant as he stared at his hands. “You don’t get it. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to be the man I was supposed to be. My parents… they warned me. They told me I’d never be enough. And they were right.” His voice dropped to a whisper. “I don’t deserve happiness. Not after everything I’ve done.”
Brian leaned forward, his voice quiet but insistent. “You don’t have to be defined by the mistakes you’ve made, Eddie. You can still find peace with who you are. You’re more than your past. But you have to stop hiding from yourself.”
Eddie’s heart pounded in his chest, and for a brief moment, he thought he might confess everything—the things that still ate him, the parts of himself he kept hidden in fear. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t say the words, not here, not like this. Not when he couldn’t even admit them to himself. Instead, he pushed back against Brian’s words, afraid of what might happen if he let them in.
“I don’t think I can just do it. I can try but right this moment? I know I can’t just try it. Maybe with more time?” Brain studied Eddie for a long moment, his inner struggle was showing on his face. He wanted to reach out, to offer Eddie something more, but he knew he had to let the man come to terms with it on his own. Brian’s heart ached for him, for the man who was too afraid to even look at the parts of himself that needed the most healing.
“Well you can always talk with someone professional maybe?” Eddie didn’t answer. Instead he took another slow sip of his coffee.
***
The sound of the firehouse door clanging shut echoed through the whole house. Eddie wiped his hands on his uniform, his mind far from the usual pre-shift routine, he couldn’t focus. His mind kept circling back to the conversation with Brian he had this morning. It had left him unsettled, unsure of how to move forward, but also, for the first time in a long while, open to the possibility of change. Maybe he could try to get some help?
When he climbed the upstairs Bobby was already at the counter, stirring his own cup of coffee, and Eddie hesitated for a moment before he walked over. He wasn’t sure why he’d even come to Bobby - maybe because Bobby had a way of cutting through the bullshit, of seeing past the tough exterior Eddie had perfected over the years. Or maybe it was just because Bobby was there, the one person who might understand, or at least give him some clarity.
“Hey,” Eddie started, his voice low, but it was more than just a greeting. Bobby looked up from his coffee, his eyes shifting to Eddie with that same quiet attention he always had.
“You’re early. Everything okay?” Bobby asked, sensing something in Eddie’s tone, the way he was standing there, as if he was on the edge of a decision but unsure whether to take the step.
Eddie sighed, his shoulders heavy with the weight of the conversation he had been avoiding for so long. “I’ve been thinking about calling Frank,” he said quietly. “You know, my old therapist.”
Bobby raised an eyebrow, clearly surprised. “Frank? You haven’t seen him in years. What’s got you thinking about him now?”
Eddie leaned against the counter, staring down at the coffee in front of him, as if the cup might offer him some kind of answer. “I don’t know. I’ve been avoiding it for a long time, but… I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending I have it all under control. I’m just-” He ran a hand through his hair, the frustration and self-doubt surfacing again. “I can’t keep doing this. I’ve been carrying all this – shit - around, like it’s some kind of weight I have to carry by myself. And… I can’t do it anymore. Not if I want to fix things. Not if I want to be better for Chris.”
Bobby didn’t say anything at first, just letting the words hang between them. The firehouse felt quiet, save for the distant sound of footsteps in the halls as the others started to trickle in, but Eddie could feel the shift. The room felt heavier now, like everything was coming to a head.
“You don’t have to fix everything all at once, Eddie,” Bobby said after a beat, his voice steady, yet filled with understanding. “But going to Frank - that’s a step in the right direction. You can’t do this alone. And if you’re serious about wanting to be there for Chris, you’ve got to take care of yourself first.”
Eddie’s chest tightened at the mention of Chris. He couldn’t shake the image of his son, distant and closed off, the distance between them growing wider every day. “I don’t even know where to start. It feels like I’ve already messed up too much with him. I don’t know if I can fix it.” He let out a shaky breath, his eyes falling to the floor. “I’ve let him down so many times. And I’m scared… scared I’m just gonna keep letting him down.”
Bobby placed his coffee cup down on the counter and stepped closer, his expression softened with genuine care. “You’re scared, I get it. But that’s exactly why you need to see Frank. It’s not just about fixing things with Chris. It’s about fixing things with yourself first. You’ve been hiding from everything you’ve been through and that’s what’s holding you back. But you’re not that guy anymore, Eddie. You can be better. For Chris. For you.”
Eddie let the words sink in, the weight of Bobby’s encouragement pressing on him, giving him a new kind of strength. He knew Bobby was right. He had been running from himself for so long, burying his feelings and pretending he was fine, but he wasn’t fine. Not by a long shot.
“I just… I don’t know if I’m ready for all that,” Eddie admitted, a knot in his stomach. “I don’t know if I can go back to all those things I’ve been avoiding. The stuff I’ve been running from.”
“You don’t have to go back and fix everything at once,” Bobby said, his tone patient, like he was talking to a friend who had been through a storm and was just beginning to see the light. “But you have to start somewhere. And Frank - he’s not going to judge you, Eddie. He’s gonna help you make sense of everything that’s been weighing on you. You don’t have to keep carrying all that on your own. And you know what? It’s okay to ask for help sometimes.”
Eddie swallowed hard, feeling the tension in his chest start to ease. He wasn’t sure if he was ready, but the more he thought about it, the more he realized that Bobby was right. He had to make a choice. He had to start somewhere, even if it meant taking that first step, reaching out to Frank, going back to therapy, and confronting all the things he’d been running from.
For Chris. For himself.
“I’ll do it,” Eddie said, his voice steady now, the decision forming in his chest. “I’ll call Frank today. For Chris. And for me.”
Bobby gave him a small smile, a quiet nod of approval. “Good. That’s good, Eddie. You’ve got this. You’re not alone in this. You also got us you know that right?”
Eddie nodded, a sense of relief beginning to wash over him. The road ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but for the first time in a long while, he felt like maybe it was possible to find peace. To fix what was broken. He wasn’t just doing it for Chris anymore. He was doing it for himself, too.
***
Eddie sat on the edge of the couch, his phone in hand, staring at the contact for Frank’s office. He had been pacing the apartment, going over the conversation with Brian, with Bobby, the decision to finally take a step forward. His finger hovered over the call button, but something kept him from pushing it. Every time he thought about calling Frank, a knot formed in his stomach, a thousand different excuses running through his mind - it’s too soon, I’m not ready, what if I can’t even do it, what if I fail again?
He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, but the uncertainty made it feel impossible to move. His heart ached for his son, for the distance between them. He missed him more than words could express, but the fear of making things worse kept him frozen in place.
Just as he was about to close the phone and give up for the night, the front door clicked open. Eddie didn’t need to look up to know it was Buck. He could hear the familiar sound of Buck’s steps - quick, light, and always a little too energetic.
“Hey,” Buck called from the door, voice chipper as usual. But when he stepped into mess that in front of him he paused, the cheerfulness fading a little as he took in Eddie’s posture. “You okay?”
Eddie wasn’t sure how to answer. He wasn’t sure how to explain the mess inside his head, the emotions tangled up with the regret and the pain. Especially to Buck. Buck, who had always been his rock, the one person he didn’t have to try to impress, the one person he was closest to, yet somehow the one person he couldn’t let see the full weight of how much he was struggling.
“Yeah, just…” Eddie trailed off, still staring at the phone, as if it held the answers to everything. “Just thinking.”
Buck moved closer, sitting down next to him on the couch, his presence warm and comforting. He knew Eddie well enough to recognize when something was off, even when Eddie tried to hide it behind a façade. They didn’t talk about feelings often, but Buck was patient. He waited, knowing that Eddie would come to him when he was ready.
“What’s on your mind?” Buck asked softly, nudging Eddie’s shoulder with his own. “You’ve been kinda off lately.”
Eddie let out a heavy sigh, rubbing his face. “I don’t know how to do this, Buck,” he admitted, his voice low, the words barely escaping him. It felt like the hardest thing he’d ever said out loud. “I don’t know how to fix things with Chris. I don’t know how to fix me.” He swallowed, avoiding Buck’s eyes, his throat tight with the vulnerability he didn’t want to share.
Buck didn’t push him. He just sat there, giving Eddie the space he needed to speak, even if Eddie didn’t have all the answers yet.
“I talked to Brian, and I talked to Bobby, too,” Eddie continued, still not looking at Buck. His fingers drummed anxiously on the armrest. “They both think I need to get better, not just for Chris, but for me too. And I… I know they’re right, but I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I can go back to Frank and dig all that shit up. I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”
“You don’t have to do it all at once, Eddie,” Buck said quietly. “You don’t have to have it all figured out. But you’re not alone. And you’re not weak for asking for help. You’re stronger than you know for even thinking about it.” Buck’s voice was soft, but his words carried the weight of someone who had seen Eddie fight battles for years, someone who knew Eddie’s strength better than Eddie did himself.
Eddie finally turned to look at Buck, his eyes filled with a mixture of gratitude and uncertainty. “But I’m scared, Buck. I’m scared I’ll fail. I’m scared I’ll make things worse. I’m scared that no matter what I do, it won’t be enough. I won’t be fixed.”
Buck met his gaze, the concern clear in his eyes. “It’s not about being perfect, Eddie. It’s about trying. It’s about showing up for yourself - and for Chris. You’re not going to fix everything overnight. Hell, you’re not going to fix everything at all. But you can get better. You can start moving forward.”
Eddie leaned back into the couch, his chest tight. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough for that.”
Buck smiled gently, leaning in closer. “You don’t have to do it alone, Eddie. You’ve got me. You’ve got all uf us. And you’ve got yourself.”
For the first time in a while, Eddie felt something shift inside him. Maybe it was the comfort of Buck’s words, or maybe it was the realization that he didn’t have to face everything by himself. But something in him broke open, just a little. He wasn’t sure if he could do this. He wasn’t sure if he could face all the pain and guilt and the unspeakable things had buried deep down. But he knew, for the first time, that it was okay to try. It was okay to not have all the answers.
“Thanks, Buck,” Eddie murmured, his voice soft, but filled with more emotion than he had allowed himself to show in a long time. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Buck shrugged, his expression warm and genuine. “You don’t have to. We’re a team. Now -” He stood up suddenly, clapping Eddie lightly on the shoulder. “I’m gonna make some food, and you’re gonna make that appointment. We’re gonna sit down and watch some movies. Sound good?”
Eddie blinked in surprise at Buck’s sudden burst of energy, but he found himself smiling despite himself. For the first time in a long time, he felt pure happines. It was always easy to be happy when he was next to Buck.
“Yeah,” Eddie said with a quiet chuckle, his smile growing a little wider. “Sounds good.”
As Buck headed to the kitchen, Eddie pulled his phone back into his hands. He hesitated for just a moment longer, but this time, he didn’t stop himself. His fingers dialed the number for Frank’s office.
***
Eddie sat across from Frank, his hands tightly gripping the arms of the chair, a nervous energy buzzing just beneath his skin. The faint smell of coffee in Frank's office, the hum of the air conditioning, everything felt strangely familiar and distant at the same time. He hadn’t been back here in years, and yet, sitting across from Frank now, it felt like he’d never left.
Frank, as always, had a calm presence. He sat there, quietly observing Eddie, waiting for him to speak. Eddie’s throat felt dry as he tried to find the words. His mind was racing, full of the things he had been carrying for so long, but admitting them out loud felt impossible.
"So, Eddie, it's been a while," Frank began, his voice gentle. "How are you doing? What’s been going on with you?"
Eddie let out a long breath, still unsure where to start. He had spent so long holding everything inside, pretending it wasn’t there. It felt almost surreal, opening up about it now. But something in the pit of his stomach told him he needed to. For Chris. For me.
"I’ve been... trying to move forward," Eddie said quietly, staring at his hands. "But I don’t know how to. I’ve been trying to date again. I met someone - her name’s Marisol. We’ve been seeing each other for a while now. But then, something happened, and everything... fell apart."
Frank raised an eyebrow, his expression inviting Eddie to elaborate.
Eddie let out a shaky sigh. "I don’t even know how to explain it. But I met someone else -this woman, Kim. She looks... exactly like Shannon." He swallowed, looking away, as if even saying the words made everything feel too real. "I didn’t mean for it to happen. It just... did. We didn’t even kiss. Nothing like that. But when Chris saw us together, he... he got upset. And Marisol, she left. She just walked away, didn’t even look back."
Frank nodded, giving Eddie a moment to breathe. "It sounds like a lot of emotions are tangled up in that situation, Eddie. Tell me about Chris. What was it like when he saw you with Kim?"
Eddie closed his eyes for a moment, a wave of guilt washing over him. "Chris was... heartbroken. He just - he left. He went to stay with his grandparents in Texas. He called them, said he didn’t want to stay here anymore. I don’t know if he’s ever going to forgive me. I don’t know if I can fix it."
Frank’s voice softened, understanding in his tone. "It sounds like you’re carrying a lot of burden over what happened with Chris. And I’m sure you’re wondering why it all spiraled out of control like that."
Eddie nodded, his chest tight. "I didn’t mean to hurt him, Frank. I swear I didn’t. But I don’t know what I was doing. I thought seeing Kim - it was like... I don’t know. A chance to feel close to Shannon again, maybe. But it’s not just that. It’s the fact that I still can’t let her go. I’ve tried, I really have, but every time I think I can, I find myself clinging to the memory of her, of who we were. And then, I ruin everything with Chris, with Marisol... and I’m still not over her. It feels like I can’t move forward with anyone else."
Frank leaned forward, his expression serious but gentle. "It’s clear, Eddie, that you haven’t been able to let go of Shannon. And I understand that grief. It’s painful to think about moving on, to think about loving someone else when you still feel so attached to the person you lost. But it’s also clear that holding onto her memory, this idea of who she was, is preventing you from being present with the people who are in your life now - like Chris, like Marisol. You're trapped in the past, and it’s keeping you from connecting with what’s in front of you."
Eddie's eyes filled with frustration. "I didn’t even do anything with Kim. I wasn’t trying to replace Shannon - I swear I wasn’t. But I can’t seem to stop looking for something... anything that feels like her. And I keep hurting everyone around me because of it. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. How do I just move on?"
Frank’s voice was steady, but his words were heavy with understanding. "Eddie, I’m not asking you to forget Shannon, or to stop loving her. But what you’re holding onto isn’t her anymore - it’s the memory of her. And by clinging to it like this, you’re holding yourself back from building something real with other people. With Chris. With anyone. You can’t keep living in the past, Eddie. Not if you want to heal, not if you want to be present for the people who need you."
Eddie's eyes stung, and for a moment, he couldn’t find his voice. He wasn’t sure what to say, or how to make sense of all the emotions flooding through him. He had spent so much time trying to protect himself, trying to protect Chris from his own brokenness, but he hadn’t realized how much he was cutting himself off from everyone else in the process.
Finally, after a long pause, Eddie spoke again, his voice quieter now, full of pain but also something like resolve. "I don’t know if I can fix everything, Frank. I’ve already messed things up with Chris...I don’t even know how to fix what’s broken in me. But I know I have to try. For him. For me."
Frank’s eyes softened with encouragement. "That’s all you can do, Eddie. Try. And you’re doing that right now, by being here, by confronting these things head-on. It’s going to take time. It’s going to be hard. But it doesn’t mean you can’t try. You don’t have to try to fix things around you. You juut have to understand what you want first.”
Eddie nodded, the weight of Frank’s words sitting heavily in his chest. It wasn’t going to be easy. Nothing had ever come easy in his life. But maybe, just maybe, he could start to take the steps to move forward. Not just for Chris, but for himself.
Eddie shifted in his chair, running his hands through his hair as he sat back, looking at Frank. The therapist’s office had was never a safe place for Eddie to talk about things he had kept buried for years, it still felt strange to speak aloud about the things that had haunted him.
"I don't know why I can’t do it. I try, I really do. I wanted it to work with Ana... I thought maybe it was the right time. But, it was like... every time we started getting closer, I felt like I was suffocating. Like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t commit." Eddie's voice dropped, tinged with frustration.
"With Marisol, it was the same thing. I couldn’t get comfortable. And now? I’m scared. I get nervous just thinking about being in a serious relationship. I mean, we’re talking about marriage,building a family. I can't even wrap my head around it. Every time I think about that kind of commitment, it’s like... I have a panic attack. I just freeze up."
Frank, sitting across from Eddie, observed him carefully. The tension in Eddie's posture, the way his eyes flickered nervously toward the door, told Frank everything he needed to know. "It sounds like you're afraid of the idea of being vulnerable with someone. Of really letting them in. I imagine it feels like a kind of trap, doesn't it? A commitment you can't back out of, a promise you might or even worse; you can’t break."
Eddie nodded sharply. "Yeah. That's exactly it. I can’t... I can’t give anyone that much of myself. Not after everything with Shannon. And then losing her." His voice faltered, but he quickly pushed through it. "I don’t think I could ever love anyone the way I loved her, either. I keep thinking about the life I wanted with her, and then I try to start over, and it just doesn't feel right."
Frank leaned back in his chair, his hands folded thoughtfully in front of him. He’d been listening to Eddie for years now, and he could see the pattern emerging. The way Eddie was stuck, unable to let go of his grief, unable to move forward into something new—because he wasn’t being honest with himself. It was clear that Eddie wasn’t just avoiding intimacy with women. He was avoiding intimacy with everyone.
"I hear you, Eddie," Frank said slowly. "But, let me ask you this: Why does the idea of marriage with a woman make you so anxious? You’ve already created a family, in a way, with Chris. And... with Buck, haven’t you?"
Eddie stiffened at the mention of Buck. His mind immediately flashed to moments - silent ones, shared glances between the two of them, a lingering touch, a way Buck understood him in a way no one else ever could. But he quickly buried those thoughts. He couldn’t go there. Not now.
"I... Buck's not the same thing," Eddie said, shaking his head. "We’re just... we're friends. We work together. That’s all it is."
Frank raised an eyebrow, his expression one of quiet understanding. "It sounds to me like you’ve already built a family with Buck, Eddie. A partnership - two parents, one child. You’ve been there for each other. You've supported each other in ways that go far beyond just friendship. Doesn't that feel normal to you? Comfortable?"
Eddie’s heart skipped a beat. The words hit him harder than he expected, like a small crack in a dam he didn’t even know was there. Normal. That was exactly it. It was so natural with Buck. It felt so right, so easy. And yet, he couldn’t bring himself to think about it—at least, not the way Frank was suggesting.
"I don’t know what you're getting at," Eddie muttered, his voice quiet, his discomfort now clearly visible. "Buck’s... he’s just... Buck. We’re close. I’m comfortable with him. That doesn’t mean anything. It’s just... it's just how things are.
Frank’s voice remained calm, but there was a hint of insight in it. "Maybe what makes it feel natural, Eddie, is because it’s real. With Buck, you're not holding anything back. You’ve created something together, a family of sorts, without any of the pressure or the fear that comes with the idea of 'marriage' with someone else. You’re able to be yourself with him, aren’t you?"
Eddie’s thoughts were spiraling now. It wasn’t just the way he felt around Buck. It wasn’t just the unspoken bond between them that felt so effortless. There was something more—something deeper. Was that really it? Was that what I’m afraid of?
"I don’t... I don’t know, Frank." Eddie's voice trembled slightly, betraying his inner turmoil. "It just... I’ve never been able to do it with a woman. I couldn’t with Ana. I couldn’t with Marisol. And I always thought it was because I was scared to lose them, but now that I’m thinking about it..." His voice trailed off, but Frank could see the realization starting to click.
Frank was quiet for a moment, letting Eddie process. Then he spoke again, gently, but directly. "You said something earlier that struck me, Eddie. You said that with Shannon, you never thought you’d love anyone the way you loved her. That she was your best friend, your partner. The love you shared was deeper than anything you’d ever known. What if, in some way, you’re still holding onto that? Not just because of Shannon, but because you loved her in a way that wasn’t just romantic. What if that bond, that connection, was something more—something you’ve been missing since?"
Eddie froze. His heart felt like it skipped a beat. He knew Frank wasn’t directly saying what he thought he was, but the words hung in the air with a weight he couldn’t ignore. He thought about all the times he’d found comfort in Buck’s presence. How easy it was to be with him. How natural it felt when they were together, navigating life as a team. His heart clenched as he realized—he wasn’t just missing Shannon. He was missing the kind of connection he had with her that he now saw reflected in his bond with Buck.
"Eddie..." Frank's voice broke through his thoughts, his tone still soft but with that same quiet insight. "Maybe you’ve been looking for something that’s been right in front of you all along. Maybe it’s not about marriage with a woman. Maybe it’s about accepting that the love you’re seeking—truly seeking—isn’t tied to what you thought it was."
Eddie didn’t know what to say. His mind was reeling, trying to make sense of everything. Could he really be what Frank was hinting at? Was he really gay? Could everything he’d felt for Buck, all these years, actually make sense?
But Eddie was terrified. Terrified of what it would mean for his relationship with Buck, for his family, for Chris. So he shut the door on those thoughts, as he always did.
"I need some time to think about this," Eddie muttered, his voice tight. "I’m not... ready for any of this. It’s too much."
Frank nodded, not pressing further, but his eyes were knowing. "Take your time, Eddie. But I want you to know this—what you’re feeling now? It’s okay. It’s okay to not have all the answers. It’s okay to explore what you feel. And it’s okay to let yourself feel."
Eddie’s chest tightened, but there was something oddly comforting about Frank’s words. He wasn’t sure what was happening inside him, but for the first time in a long time, Eddie felt a tiny flicker of something new. Maybe it was hope. Or maybe it was just the first step toward understanding himself, finally.
***
After the therapy session, Eddie felt like his brain was in overdrive, the weight of everything Frank had said sitting heavily on his chest. He couldn’t quite make sense of it, the messy feelings swirling around in his head. He needed to talk, to unwind, and for some reason, the only person he could think of was Buck. He figured a beer and a casual chat would be enough to calm the storm inside him. Maybe even get a little distraction.
So, he drove over to Buck's house, hoping to find the usual comfort in the familiarity of Buck's presence. He casually let himself in without knocking, he had done it a hundred times before. Eddie’s mind was still a jumble of thoughts about therapy and family and everything in between. He just needed a minute to breathe.
"Buck? You home?"
There was no response right away, but he heard muffled noises coming from the living room. Eddie shrugged it off, assuming Buck was just watching something. He made his way through living room- like it was just a one room but still- and rounded the corner.
And then he stopped.
Here, in the middle of the room, Buck and some guy he doesn’t know – who the hell was he? Were...Oh wow. They weren’t just standing close, or having a casual conversation, or watching the TV. It was far more intimate than Eddie had anticipated. The guy was on his knees, literally gagging on Buck’s dick and Buck was visibly distracted to notice Eddie. So caught up in the moment. His head was thrown over the couch, his one knee was on the guys shoulder and one hand was back of the guys head. He could see the sweat dropping down from side of the Buck’s face. He was moaning like it’s the best thing he’s ever experiencing. Oh fuck.
Eddie’s breath hitched in his throat when he saw guys fingers were going in and out right between Buck’s ass, a shockwave of discomfort crashing through him. His body went rigid, frozen in place, unsure of what to do.
His brain couldn’t quite catch up with what he was seeing, the suddenness of it all overwhelming. The scene before him was so personal, so private, and Eddie wasn’t supposed to be here. He wasn’t supposed to see this.
“Shit!” He didn’t meant to give any verbal react but he couldn’t help himself.
Buck noticed him first. He pulled away quickly, eyes wide in surprise. "Eddie," he said, a nervous laugh escaping. "I-I didn’t know you were coming by." He quickly grab the pillow and tried to cover himself poorly.
The brunette guy turned around, his expression immediately shifting from surprise to bothered as he saw Eddie standing there, still frozen. The tension in the air was palpable, thick with discomfort, shock.
"Eddie, I-" Buck began, but Eddie quickly cut him off, trying to hide his rising discomfort.
“It’s fine,” Eddie said quickly, stepping back. "I didn’t mean to interrupt." He couldn’t look either of them in the eye, his mind racing. The jealousy, the confusion, it was all bubbling up so fast that he couldn’t catch his breath.
The guy glanced between the two of them, sensing the awkwardness in the room. "I’ll just... I’ll head out, give you guys some space," he said, standing up and grabbing his jacket. "I’ll see you later, Buck. Call me anytime.” He gave Eddie a brief look, something unreadable in his eyes, before he left.
The door clicked shut behind the guy, and the room felt too quiet, too still. Eddie was suddenly hyper-aware of the space between him and Buck, the way his body felt stiff, as if it wasn’t quite his own.
“Can you- Turn around a little bit? So i could you know, put some pants?” Buck said shyly. Eddie immediately turn his face towards the kitchen. What was he doing? He should’ve left.
“You can turn around, I’m decent.” Eddie slowly looked at him. His face was still flushed pink, there’s still some sweats on his forehead. Eddie wanted to wipe it all of the sweats caused by someone else. But he couldn bear himself to move.
Buck stepped toward him, but Eddie instinctively took a step back, not wanting to be near him just yet. His heart was pounding in his chest, the jealousy still swirling in him, though he couldn’t quite understand why. He didn’t have a right to feel like this, did he? He didn’t even know what he was feeling, just that it was uncomfortable, too intense.
"I’m sorry, Eddie," Buck said, his voice softer now, a little worried. "I didn’t mean for you to walk in on that."
Eddie didn’t want to hear the apology, didn’t want to be part of this conversation. His mind was too full of too many things, and he couldn’t make sense of it all.
“No,” Eddie said, his voice coming out sharper than he intended. “This is your house.You don’t owe me an explanation. I just... showed up. I didn’t know this was happening.”
But deep down, it was there, a persistent buzz under the surface. The jealousy. The fear of never being able to have what Buck had with other guys, even if it was more than just a relationship it was that kind of experience, that kind of closeness that Eddie couldn’t even imagine.
Buck hesitated, then nodded slowly, sensing that Eddie was more rattled than he was letting on. He was about to say something else, but Eddie quickly shook his head, trying to push the emotions down, to avoid what he didn’t want to face.
“I didn’t mean to make things awkward,” Eddie muttered, swallowing hard. “I just-can I have a beer? Or I can go? I should go. You two should keep doing what you were doing.” He stepped towards to door only to stopped by Buck.
“Eddie that’s okay. Really. Come here.” He pulled Eddie into the kitchen and moved to the fridge and pulled out two bottles, handing one to Eddie.
“Do you want to talk?” Buck asked gently, though there was a trace of concern in his voice. He could tell something was off with Eddie, but he didn’t push it. Not yet. Eddie shook his head as an no. He wasn’t ready to talk. “Okay, do you want to watch somethings?”
Eddie didn’t answer right away, his fingers still gripping the cold beer bottle like it was the only thing holding him together. His mind was racing again, still trying to process everything, and the jealousy he felt, something he didn’t even know was there before.
“I don’t know.” Eddie muttered, his voice distant, as he took a long swig of the beer. “Maybe we can watch something.”
Buck’s brow furrowed slightly, but he didn’t press further. He knew Eddie well enough by now to know when something was wrong, even if Eddie didn’t want to talk about it.
The silence between them stretched, and Eddie couldn’t shake the feeling of being an intruder in a world that didn’t quite feel like his.
He wasn’t supposed to be jealous. He wasn’t supposed to feel this... unsettled. But as he sat there, trying to push the emotions away, he couldn’t stop the storm inside. And the more he tried to ignore it, the more it became impossible to hide.
“You started dating again?” His voice betrayed him, thick with jealousy, no matter how hard he tried to mask it.
“No... I just... miss it, sometimes,” Buck murmured, his voice faltering, impossible to read. “I’m still figuring things out, you know? I just... want to explore more.”
After a few moments of silence, Eddie mumbled again, almost to himself, his voice low and uncertain, "How does it feel?"
Buck blinked, clearly not understanding. “What do you mean? How does what feel?”
Eddie shifted uncomfortably in his seat. "How does it feel? Like, having sex with another man."
Buck blinked again, taken aback by the question, but he didn’t look shocked. Eddie was serious, there was no teasing in his voice, no joke. Just a question, though the weight of it hung in the air.
"Uh..." Buck began, running a hand through his hair as he thought. He wasn’t used to having these kinds of talks with Eddie, but he knew Eddie well enough to know there was no malice behind the question. "Well, it’s different. Like, obviously, because it’s a guy. Men and women are... they’re different, Eddie. It’s not the same. The way a man’s body feels... it’s just not the same as a woman’s, you know?"
Eddie nodded slowly, still not entirely sure what Buck was getting at. "Different how? Like I can understant about the anatomy but I have no idea about how it really feels.”
Buck hesitated, thinking carefully. "Well, like, guys are built different. We’ve got different features - our bodies are shaped differently, and things feel... I don’t know. Different. It's not just a physical thing, though. There’s something about being with another guy that’s, uh, I guess... more intimate, in a way? It's harder to explain. Like if you’re bottoming you feel completely different emotions, different type of pleasure both anatomically and mentally. It’s more vulnerable in a way. Yeah, it’s different." He paused, unsure how to clarify it without making Eddie more confused.
Eddie was still processing, his brow furrowed as he tried to work through his thoughts. “And... does it feel... good? Like, being the... the bottom?”
Buck gave him a surprised look but didn’t immediately respond. Instead, he took a moment to let the question settle in. It was clear Eddie was asking from a place of real confusion, not judgment. Buck softened his tone.
“It feels good,” Buck said with a small shrug, his tone light, like it wasn’t a big deal. But there was a flicker of something—honesty, maybe—that softened his words. “It’s different for everyone, though. It’s not always perfect. Sometimes it’s awkward, or messy, or just... not what you imagined. But when it’s right—and when the other person knows what they’re doing—yeah. It can be really good.”
Eddie was still processing, his brow furrowed. “So... is it, like, is it just... physical stuff? Like that’s the only difference?” He was looking for more, but he wasn’t sure what he was asking.
Buck chuckled lightly, shaking his head. “Nah, it’s not just about the physical stuff. The emotional connection is huge too. It’s about the person you’re with, how they make you feel. Being with someone you trust even if it’s just hook-up, it makes a big difference. But you can’t really understand all of that until you experience it.”
Eddie nodded again, though he still didn’t have the full picture. Something in his gut twisted, a mix of curiosity and something else he couldn’t quite identify. He leaned back in his chair, still trying to make sense of it all.
After a beat, Buck’s voice broke the silence, as if trying to lighten the mood. “You know, if you’re really curious about how it feels... you could always try some toys first.” Buck said it jokingly. “Like, see what works for you, get a feel for it, literally.” He grinned a little, but there was a lightheartedness in his tone, like he didn’t expect Eddie to take it seriously.
Eddie blinked, his mind still running a million miles a minute. “Toys?” he repeated, his voice a little more serious than Buck expected. “What kinds?”
Buck’s grin faltered slightly, realizing Eddie wasn’t laughing. “Uh, well, you know... toys. Like... for yourself. You can get all kinds of stuff different shapes, sizes, whatever works.” He chuckled again, trying to ease the awkwardness, but he could see Eddie was processing it differently than he expected.
Eddie’s eyes widened, and he sat up straighter. “Wait. You mean, like... what kinds of toys? Where do you even get them? Online or at shop?”
Buck, now realizing Eddie was actually serious, let out a nervous laugh. “Dude, I was joking. You don’t have to-“
“No, I mean it,” Eddie interrupted, his voice earnest. “Like... what kind of toys? Like vibrator? Where do I buy them?”
Buck stared at him, a bit stunned by how seriously Eddie was taking the conversation. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, realizing they’d taken an unexpected turn. "Alright, alright," he said, trying to ease the situation. "I mean, if you really want to know, there’s a ton of options out there. You could start with some basic stuff—vibrators, dildos, plugs, all kinds of things. You buy on the store or online."
Eddie looked at Buck for a second before sipping his bear. “Okay I’ll look into it.”
Buck looked at him, his expression softening. "Just… don’t rush into something you’re not ready to do okay? Don’t do things you’ll be uncomfortable just because you saw some other person enjoying it. Want it first so you can enjoy it.”
Eddie nodded, though a part of him felt like the conversation had opened more questions than answers. He wasn’t sure what to do with all of it yet. The more he thought about it, the more complicated things seemed, and the more uncomfortable he felt about what was happening inside him. He was curious about toys. He wanted to ask more but he didn’t wanted to make Buck uncomfortable.
"Thanks, Buck," Eddie said, his voice quieter now, a little uncertain. "I appreciate it."
Buck gave him a small smile. "Anytime, man. Anytime."
***
Eddie sat on the couch in his living room when he got back home, the faint hum of the streetlights outside the window casting a soft glow into the room. His phone was on his hand, screen still lit up, but his mind was miles away. The browser window was open in front of him, and in it, a slew of websites that made his stomach turn just by looking at the titles. He scrolled absentmindedly, his eyes darting from one link to another, but every time he found something that even remotely interested him, a wave of nausea washed over him.
He'd never been here before, this place, this space inside of himself that was both uncomfortable and confusing. This wasn’t just curiosity. It was more than that. This was something he’d been avoiding for so long. Something he didn’t have a name for.
Eddie’s fingers hovered over the "checkout" button. He stared at the screen, but he never clicked it. Every time he thought about clicking, he felt that familiar knot in his stomach—guilt and shame rising up from somewhere deep inside him. This wasn’t something he could just buy. Was it? Was he really about to do this? Wasn’t this wrong?
He shook his head and closed the browser, trying to shake the thoughts. "What am I doing?" he muttered to himself, standing up and pacing around the room.
But as he walked, his mind wandered back to that conversation with Brian, and his words echoed in Eddie’s mind like a quiet but insistent mantra.
You deserve joy, Eddie. No matter what. You have a right to be happy.
Eddie rubbed his forehead, his mind a war zone. He knew what Brian meant. Brian was talking about something bigger than just sex or relationships. It was about Eddie's whole life. About him finally allowing himself to feel things, to enjoy things, without feeling like he had to earn it or apologize for it. But Eddie couldn’t help the guilt that rose in his chest, the self-loathing that whispered in the back of his mind.
It’s wrong. the voice said, almost like it had a life of its own. It’s a sin.
He closed his eyes, trying to push those thoughts away. But then he remembered Buck. Buck had been so casual about the whole thing, about relationships, about his relationships. Buck didn’t seem to have the hang-ups Eddie had. He could talk about it with ease, without the layers of shame and self-judgment that Eddie carried around.
Eddie stopped pacing, his hand frozen on his forehead as the thought hit him like a slap.
Want it first so you can enjoy it. Buck had said.
That was the part that stuck with Eddie. It wasn’t about doing it for anyone else. It wasn’t about being the perfect dad or the perfect son or the perfect whatever. It was about him. And for the first time in a long time, Eddie didn’t feel like he was letting everyone down by wanting something for himself. He wanted this. He wanted to enjoy having a purchase and using it.
But still, that voice in his head - the one that had been planted there since he was young - kept whispering. You can’t do this. This isn’t who you are.
Eddie stood there for what felt like hours, just holding his phone, the weight of his indecision pressing down on him. Part of him wanted to close the browser and forget about it, to go back to the way things were—pretend none of this was happening. But another part of him, the part that Brian and Frank had tapped into, wanted more.
His fingers hovered over the screen again, and he closed his eyes for a second, willing the shame away. Slowly, he opened his eyes and moved back to the checkout button. He thought of Brian’s words again, the quiet encouragement in his voice: You deserve joy. Even if it wasn’t about some plastic toys.
Eddie clicked.
He barely registered the final confirmation as he clicked purchase and hit the button with a finality that both terrified and relieved him. His heart was pounding, his palms sweating. He didn’t know if he had just done something incredibly stupid or if he had actually just done something for himself something that, deep down, he had wanted but never thought he could allow.
He stared at the screen for a few moments after, the reality of it all sinking in. What was he going to do when they arrived? What if someone found out? What if Chris found out?
But then, he thought of Buck again. Buck, who had been so honest with him, so open about his relationship and his needs. It felt... natural for Buck. It didn’t seem like something he had to hide or apologize for. Maybe Eddie could learn to do that, too. Maybe he could start to let go of all the things that held him back.
The voice of guilt was still there, still waiting to catch him, but it was quieter now. For the first time, Eddie felt like he was making a choice for himself. It wasn’t a choice that anyone else was going to approve of, but it was his. And maybe that was enough.
Eddie took a deep breath, set the phone down, and walked into the kitchen. He didn’t know what the future held, but he had to do this. For himself. Even if he didn’t fully understand it, even if it scared the hell out of him.
Maybe this is how it starts, Eddie thought, his chest tightening with something he could almost name - hope, maybe? "Yeah. Maybe," he whispered aloud, more to himself than anyone else.
***
Eddie and Buck sat comfortably on the couch in Eddie’s living room, the smell of greasy takeout filling the space between them. It was their day off, and they were enjoying some rare downtime - just two friends with their feet up, sharing stories, and cracking jokes. The lighthearted banter felt good, familiar, like a break from everything Eddie had been carrying around lately. It was good to have a friend like Buck, it was enough to have him as a friend.
It wasn’t a perfect peace, but it was something, and for Eddie, something was enough.
“Dude, I swear,” Buck said between mouthfuls of fried rice, “I don’t know how you eat this stuff. The grease is practically floating on top.”
Eddie rolled his eyes but grinned. “Hey, it's comforting. Can’t knock the classics. You’re the one who talks, you inhale the Thai food.”
Buck shook his head. “It’s like I know it’s disgusting but it’s so tasty.” He shoved another forkful into his mouth and raised his eyebrows at Eddie. “But hey, I’m not complaining. Free food’s free food.”
The two laughed as they continued eating, sharing a relaxed silence. It was one of those easy moments, the kind they’d had a million times before. But then the doorbell rang, breaking the calm.
“Who’s that?” Buck asked, glancing at the door. Before Eddie opens his mouth Buck was already on his feet, eager to see who was at the door. "I'll get it!" he said, bounding over to the door.
Eddie get up after him to see who was at the door. A delivery man stood there holding a large, plain cardboard box, and Eddie’s stomach dropped for a split second. He wasn’t even ready for the delivery, and now that it was here, he suddenly realized how ridiculous it was that he ordered the things he had. But it wasn’t just the shame that hit him. It was the feeling of someone else knowing, Buck knowing even by accident.
“Got a package for you.” the delivery guy said with a quick smile before handing it off and disappearing.
Buck raised an eyebrow as he glanced down at the package. “Hmm, doesn’t look like your usual Amazon stuff. What is it?” he asked, turning the box over in his hands, curiosity clearly piqued.
Eddie shifted uncomfortably, his body tensing. “It’s nothing,” he muttered quickly, trying to keep his cool. “I didn’t order anything. Just... a mistake.”
Buck shot him a skeptical look. “A mistake? Eddie we both know you hate online shopping so this must be important.” He was already tearing at the tape with exaggerated curiosity, unable to resist. “Come on, let me see!”
“No, Buck,” Eddie snapped, standing up quickly. His face was flushed, and he moved to intercept the box before Buck could fully open it. “Just leave it. It’s not important.”
But Buck wasn’t having it. “Oh, come on, I’m just curious!” he teased, dodging Eddie’s half-hearted attempt to grab the box out of his hands. "Don’t be such a buzzkill."
Eddie hesitated for a moment, unsure whether to let it go or force the issue, but before he could make up his mind, Buck was already lifting the flap of the box, pulling back the tissue paper.
Eddie’s heart jumped into his throat as he watched Buck’s hand pull something out of the box.
First came the bottle of lube—nothing too surprising, but still enough to make Eddie feel like the floor had dropped from underneath him. He wanted to disappear.
Then came the next object: a prostate massager, it was pitch black, shining in the light. Eddie’s face burned, his mind reeling. This was exactly the kind of thing he had been avoiding. He’d ordered these things, yes, but now that they were here, all the shame and guilt hit him with full force.
And then, Buck pulled out the last item - a dildo.
Silence.
Both of them froze. Eddie’s heart thundered in his chest, his breathing shallow.
Buck stood there holding the items, looking from the box to Eddie, his mouth opening and closing, unsure of what to say. Eddie, on the other hand, was completely frozen, his hands shaking slightly.
“I—” Buck began, glancing at Eddie, but he didn’t finish the sentence. The awkwardness hung in the air, heavy and thick.
Eddie’s voice barely came out. “I... I didn’t want you to see that,” he mumbled, looking down at the floor, ashamed.
Buck, for all his usual ease and confidence, looked slightly unsettled and something Eddie can’t read on, but he shook his head. “Eddie, it’s okay,” he said softly, trying to break the tension. “It’s not a big deal. We talked about it before. I knew you wanted to purchase something. It was rude of me to snoop around.”
But Eddie couldn’t escape the humiliation. His hands clenched into fists, his mind spiraling. “Yeah, it is. It is a big deal. I shouldn’t even... Why the hell did I even—”
He broke off, his voice trailing off into self-reproach.
Buck took a breath, clearly trying to find the right words. “Look, man, pleasure isn’t something to be ashamed of,” he said, his voice quiet but firm. “There’s nothing wrong with feeling good, with wanting something for yourself. Nothing. You can have whatever you want.”
Eddie opened his mouth to protest, but Buck cut him off before he could.
“Seriously, Eddie,” Buck continued. “I get it. It feels weird now because I opened them, but... come on, man. You saw me naked with that guy it’s nothing compared to that.. You don’t have to be ashamed of that. Pleasure doesn’t make you less of a person. It doesn’t make you anything other than... you.”
Eddie met Buck’s gaze for the first time in what felt like forever. He could see the sincerity there, but it didn’t make the shame any easier to swallow.
Buck put the items back in the box, not making a big deal of it, though he did give Eddie a brief, somewhat awkward smile. "If you need help with any of that stuff... I mean, I don’t really have a lot of experience with these specific ones but I’m not gonna judge you for it." He glanced at Eddie, making sure he was looking him in the eye. "Seriously. You can ask me anything. If you wanna know how to use them or anything else, I’ll help however I can."
Eddie blinked, taken aback by Buck's offer. For a moment, he felt his face flush with embarrassment, but there was also something else there, something like relief. The tension in his chest loosened just a fraction. Buck’s words weren’t just casual, they were genuine. He wasn’t laughing or dismissing Eddie; he was actually offering support, without hesitation. Even if it felt weird about this specific topic but still. A support is a support.
“You... you’d help me with this?” Eddie asked, his voice a little quieter now, almost like he was trying to convince himself more than asking Buck.
Buck nodded, leaning back in his chair and taking another bite of his food. “Yeah, of course. No shame in it. You’re trying to figure something out, and that’s cool. Honestly, I’ve learned a lot of things over the years. I’m not saying I’m some expert or anything, but I can at least point you in the right direction.”
Eddie felt a wave of gratitude, mixed with confusion. It was such a small thing, but it felt like a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders. It wasn’t the world’s most comfortable conversation, but Buck had found a way to make it feel... okay. He was struggling to how to use them but maybe a little bit guide might be helpfull.
“Thanks,” Eddie said, looking down at his food, his stomach still uneasy, but somehow more settled than before. “I guess... I guess I just didn’t think I’d be asking anyone about this.” His fingers tapped against the takeout box absentmindedly. “I’m just... trying to figure things out, you know?”
Buck smiled, his usual ease returning. “Yeah, I get it. And you don’t have to figure it all out today. Just take it one step at a time.” He looked at Eddie again, a little more seriously now. “You’re allowed to take your time with this, Eddie. There’s no rush. No pressure. And it’s okay even if you don’t like it when you tried it.”
Eddie nodded slowly, but the discomfort was still there, lingering in the pit of his stomach. He wasn’t sure where this was going, or if he even understood what he was doing—but for the first time, he felt like maybe he didn’t have to figure it all out on his own. And that, in itself, was a small but significant shift.
"Thanks, Buck," Eddie said quietly, his voice catching just a little. "I appreciate it."
Buck gave him a small, reassuring smile. "Anytime, man. Like I said it before."
***
The firehouse was quieter than usual, the bustle of the morning shift settled into a lull as everyone took their breaks. Eddie sat at the kitchen table, nursing a cup of coffee that had long gone cold. His thoughts were a maze, a constant swirl of confusion and apprehension. The moments with Buck, the package, the conversation about pleasure and desire—all of it was still swirling in his head. But more than that, the question that had been haunting him was still unanswered: What do I really want?
Someone walked slowly into the kitchen but Eddie didn’t look up, thinking it was just another passing firefighter looking for a snack. But then he heard Hen’s calm, familiar voice.
“You good, Eddie?”
Eddie glanced up, meeting Hen’s eyes. She stood in the doorway, her expression soft but concerned, as if she could sense the tension in his body, even though he was trying to hide it. Hen had always had an intuitive way of reading people, and she was one of the few who could break through Eddie’s defenses when he was closed off.
“I’m fine,” Eddie said quickly, but his voice lacked conviction. He looked back down at his cup, staring into the murky depths of the coffee. He hadn’t touched it in over half an hour.
Hen didn’t buy it. She pulled out the chair across from him and sat down, leaning forward slightly. “You sure about that? You’ve been off lately. You haven’t said much since the whole thing with Chris.”
Eddie’s jaw tightened at the mention of his son. Chris had been distant ever since he found Eddie with Kim—distant and upset, as if he felt betrayed by Eddie’s failure to keep things together. Eddie didn’t want to drag Hen into that mess, but he knew she could tell something else was going on with him. He took a deep breath before speaking.
“Yeah... it’s just... Chris is still not talking to me much. I don’t know when he’ll come home, Hen,” Eddie said quietly. “I haven’t heard from him in days. Maybe over an week?” His voice cracked slightly at the thought. “I don’t know what to say to him. It’s like I messed everything up.”
Hen’s gaze softened with sympathy. “You didn’t mess up, Eddie. You’re doing the best you can. Kids... they don’t always know how to handle things, especially when they’re caught in the middle. But he’ll come around.”
Eddie nodded, but there was a tightness in his chest. He wasn’t sure how long it would take Chris to come around, or if Chris would ever fully understand. But that wasn’t the only thing weighing on Eddie’s mind right now. He took a shaky breath, glancing over at Hen, as if debating whether or not to let the words out. Finally, he spoke, the vulnerability in his voice unmistakable.
“You know, Hen, I’ve been... thinking about something,” Eddie began, his eyes drifting away as if trying to put the right words together. “I’m not really sure how to want it, but I think... I think I might want to be with a man. Instead of a woman, I mean.”
Hen blinked, her expression never faltering. She didn’t react with shock or judgment—just quiet understanding. “Okay,” she said softly, her voice calm. “And how does that feel for you?”
Eddie’s hands clenched around his cup, but he still didn’t look at her. “It’s scary, Hen. I’ve spent my whole life thinking I was supposed to want to be with women. I married Shannon, I had Chris... But now I’m... I’m not so sure anymore. I can’t even tell you what it feels like to want it, I don’t know what it looks like. It’s just—new. But also like not new?” He swallowed hard, trying to push past the tightness in his throat. “I’m not even sure if it’s real. I don’t know how to let myself want it.”
Hen’s gaze softened even more. She reached across the table, her hand landing gently on his. “Eddie,” she said, her tone firm but warm, “you don’t have to know everything right now. You’re not supposed to know exactly what you want. It’s okay to want things that are new, or even things you never thought you would want.”
Eddie let out a small, bitter laugh. “I just don’t know how to handle it. I mean, I’m trying to figure it out, but there’s this... fear. What if it changes everything with Chris? What if he... doesn’t understand?”
Hen squeezed his hand reassuringly. “You don’t need to have all the answers today, Eddie. This is about you—this is your journey, not anyone else’s. And Chris, he’ll see that. He’ll understand, in time. But it’s important to give yourself the space to figure it out, without carrying the weight of that fear all the time. It’s okay to feel confused. It’s okay to feel scared. But you also have the right to explore what makes you happy, even if it’s not what you expected."
Eddie sat silently, the weight of her words sinking in. He wanted to believe her, to trust that things could still work out despite the fear that clenched his chest. But the thought of Chris—his son—hearing about it, accepting it, was another mountain Eddie wasn’t sure he could climb.
Hen’s voice was gentle but firm as she spoke again. “No matter what, Eddie, you’re still the same person. You’re still the guy who loves his son, the guy who’s always been there for us. This doesn’t change any of that.”
This doesn’t change a thing in between us.
Eddie nodded slowly, though the fear still lingered. “I just don’t want Chris to think I’m a failure. That I can’t get my life together. It’s like... I feel like everything I’ve done for him is falling apart.”
Hen shook her head, her expression soft with empathy. “You’re not a failure, Eddie. You’re just living your truth, and that’s a big deal. You don’t have to have it all figured out for Chris to see that you love him. Just be honest with him, when the time’s right. He’s going to need you no matter what. And don’t forget he’s not a little kid anymore he knows and understands things just fine. Give him some credit.”
Eddie exhaled, his shoulders dropping a little as the conversation began to sink in. He still wasn’t sure how to approach Chris about everything, but Hen’s words gave him a small sliver of hope. He wasn’t alone in this, and he didn’t have to be afraid of the changes he was going through.
“Thanks, Hen,” he said quietly, a small, relieved smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Hen grinned and gave his hand a squeeze before pulling back. “You’re welcome. And, hey, if you ever want to talk more, I’m here. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Eddie nodded, feeling a little lighter than before, but still carrying the weight of his fears. It wasn’t over, not by a long shot, but for the first time in a long while, he felt like maybe, just maybe, he could find a way to navigate it.
***
Eddie sat on the edge of his bed, the room dark and quiet except for the soft hum of the air conditioning. He had tried, over and over again, to convince himself that this was something he could figure out on his own—something he could want. But the feeling of uncertainty, of not knowing what he was supposed to feel or how to even begin, kept gnawing at him.
The toys were still in their box, and part of him had been too afraid to even take them out. But tonight felt different. Tonight, he’d decided to try. To see what was luring him to this. To figure out what he wanted to do with them, even if he wasn’t sure.
He undressed slowly, feeling self-conscious, even as he tried to let go of the fear that had been weighing on him for so long. Deep down he knew at some point of his life he was going to try something like this. But his mind... it was a mess.
He laid back against the pillows, feeling the cool sheets against his skin. His mind was scattered. Thoughts flashed by—of Buck, his easy confidence and the way he had comforted Eddie, the way Buck had touched him before all of this, the way he had looked when that guy had been over that night, when he had mouthfull of Buck..
No.
Eddie clenched his eyes shut. He didn’t want to think about Buck like that. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He had come here to figure out what he wanted, not to let his mind wander back to those feelings, those flashes of something deeper. Something he was still scared to face.
But his body was responding, betraying him in ways he couldn’t control. Desperation tinged his movements as he reached for the boxers he had left out earlier when he undressed, his hand trembling just a little. Focus, he told himself. Focus on what you're trying to do.
But the harder he tried, the more Buck’s face flashed in his mind, the way Buck’s smile had softened when Eddie had let his guard down. The way Buck had looked at him during their late-night talks—his trust, his warmth. The feeling that had settled between them, unspoken but undeniable.
And then, uninvited, that guy’s face slipped into Eddie’s mind—a random brunette who’d had the audacity to touch Buck like it was the easiest thing in the world. Like it was natural, his right. Eddie didn’t want to feel jealous. He shouldn’t feel jealous. But he did. It burned low and sharp in his chest, twisting into something he couldn’t quite name. And that only made it worse—made him feel even more confused, even more unsure of himself. Maybe, maybe Frank was right. Maybe...
Eddie’s breath hitched as his body betrayed him further, and he couldn’t stop. He slide his hand from his stomach to his half hard dick. His hand moved on instinct gropping himself over the thin fabric, so tight, too desperate, his mind swirling with emotions that he couldn’t control.
This isn’t what you’re supposed to be doing he thought, trying to make sense of the mess in his head. But the feelings were real, and they didn’t make sense. He didn’t know how to handle this, but he was still feeling it. And he was so fucking horny. His dick was getting so hard with his movements and he was getting desperate. But he stopped himself forcefully.
He sat up on the bed and reached for the box he was trying to avoid all along. When his fingers touched the hard slicone, he froze, the discomfort washing over him again. This wasn’t how he had imagined it would be. It felt strange, like he wasn’t supposed to be doing it. Like he was forcing himself into something that didn’t quite fit him. But god, how he wanted it.
In a moment of panic, Eddie grabbed his phone. His hands were shaking as he dialed Buck’s number, the uncertainty clawing at him. He couldn’t go through with this without talking to someone—without hearing Buck’s voice, even if it was awkward.
The phone rang for a few seconds before Buck picked up.
“Eddie?” Buck chippered on the phone. “Hey, what’s going on?”
Eddie didn’t know where to start. The words didn’t make sense, didn’t form in his mind. Instead, he just let out a heavy breath, the panic still settling in his chest.
“I—uh... I’m trying something... and it’s just... I’m not sure how to—” Eddie fumbled over his words, his throat tight. “I don’t know, Buck. It’s weird. I’m not sure what I’m doing. I don’t know how to—how to do this.”
There was a pause on the other end of the line. Buck was quiet for a moment, probably unsure of how to respond. Eddie could practically hear the wheels turning in Buck’s mind, but he didn’t say anything else. He waited, letting Buck sort through his thoughts.
Finally, Buck spoke again, his voice was relaxed but more serious. “Hey, it’s okay. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. You’re allowed to feel... confused, or unsure. And you don’t have to do everything right now.”
Eddie felt his shoulders sag in relief, but the discomfort lingered. “It’s just... I can’t stop thinking about it. About, you know—about you and... and that guy. And I don’t know why. I don’t want to think about you like that, but I can’t help it.”
Buck’s voice softened, as if he was trying to reassure Eddie, to make him feel less embarrassed. “It’s normal to have those feelings, Eddie. Trust me. It’s okay. It’s part of figuring this all out. You don’t have to force it. You can take your time. You don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with. I believe it was first time seeing two man like that and it stuck with you. It’s okay.”
Eddie exhaled shakily, letting Buck’s words settle over him. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Buck. I don’t know what I want.”
Buck was quiet for a moment before he spoke again, his voice surprisingly calm. “If you want me to help you figure it out, Eddie, I’m here.”
Eddie paused. He wasn’t sure what it would mean, or how it would change things between them, but hearing Buck say that made him feel less like he was spiraling alone.
“Okay,” Eddie said finally, his voice barely above a whisper. “Okay, maybe I need you to lead me. I just don’t know how. I know about basic anatomy and obviously sex but not like... that.”
“Okay, yeah I can do that. But please tell me if I say or make you do something you’re not comfortable okay? And... Uh... This can get a little bit intense. You’re sure right?” Buck’s voice was hoarse. Like it was coming out from his throat.
“Yeah. Yeah I’m sure. And I’ll tell you okay?” Eddie was getting excited. He was already achingly hard and it was blurring his mind. He was never this much turned on and they didn’t even started to do anything.
“Okay. Are you in your bed?” Buck breathed on his phone.
“Yeah I am.”
“Good. Are you naked?”
Eddie’s brain short-circuited. Heat rushed up his neck, spreading across his face and chest like wildfire. His cheeks were burning so badly he thought they might catch fire. God help me, he thought, his pulse racing. He wasn’t sure if he’d survive this moment—or if he even wanted to.
“Yes. I have my underwear tho.”
He heard Buck inhaling deeply. Yeah. Yeah this was effecting him to. Oh god.
“Why don’t you lay down and put me on a speaker. Grab what do you want to use and put it beside you. And Eddie?”
“Yeah?”
“Lose the boxers.”
Eddie couldn’t remember the last time he’d moved this fast. He grabbed the lube and dildo – leaving the massager for later - , setting it on his right side, losing his boxer in a second and then slid onto the bed with a nervous, almost deliberate ease. Once he was settled, he switched Buck to speaker and placed his phone on the pillow beside him.
“Now what?” He asked curiously.
“I don’t actually know what do you love in the bed but I can come up with some things I like, is that okay?”
“Yeah. Yeah more than okay.” Okay he replied that embrrassingly fast.
He heard Buck’s soft chuckle coming up from his phone. Yes he definetly replied so fast.
“Move your fingers on your chest. Lighly. Don’t apply so much pressure.” Okay?
Eddie’s right hand drifted to his chest, his touch slow and tentative. His fingertips brushed over his skin with feather-light strokes, tracing lazy patterns as they moved up and down. He circled gently, his movements unhurried, almost hesitant, as if testing the sensation.
“Go over your nipple.” Buck’s voice was heavy. Like he was trying to keep himself collected.
He slowly followed Buck’s instructions, his fingers brushing lightly over his nipples. And god—the sensation sent a tingle spreading across his chest, like tiny electric sparks skimming his skin. It raced down his spine, leaving a shiver on his body. He didn’t even realized a little muffling sound coming out of his mouth.
“Yeah? You liked that? Keep doing it. Maybe pinch it with your fingers. Don't do it so hard.”
He stroked his nipples with his two fingers before pinching lightly. “Oh it feels good. I didn’t... I didn’t know.”
“Wet your fingers a little bit it’ll feel better.” Eddie slowly raised his hand to his mouth and wrapped his lips to his two fingers. He wetted them nicely with his slick tounge while his other hand clutch on the sheets, he suppressed the deep urge to press his hand down and palm himself. He wanted to do what Buck says. He wanted to be good.
He pinched his nipple between two fingers. He’d never felt anything like this before. Sparks of electricity seemed to shoot from his nipple, carving a path straight to his aching dick. He rolled the sensitive bud between his fingers, unable to stop the breathless moan that escaped his lips. Shit. Getting hard before doing anything was a bad idea.
“How hard you are?” He never heard Buck like that. He sound so aroused already.
“So hard. I was touching myself a little. Before all that freaking out and calling you shit. I'm still so hard Buck.” He heard Buck gasping coming from his phone.
“Touch yourself a little bit but don’t go overboard.”
He has no idea how fast his hand found tip of his dick. It was dry but fuck, even a dry friction was better than nothing. He was about to lose himself in the feeling but Buck’s voice filled the hot air around him again.
“Squeeze hard from the base go lightly to the tip.” He’s not so surviving this. He was already so fucking turned on. And they didn’t really done anything yet.
He did what Buck told him either way. He slowly stroked from the base, tightening his grip at the bottom and easing up towards the tip. He couldn’t even remember the last time he’d felt this hot, this turned on. Though he didn’t feel like he was about to come, he felt at the same time could explode at any moment. He gave himself few more strokes before calling out for Buck.
Now he really couldn’t help to hold his loud moans. He was so good at that. Living with a child, holding out his moans. He never felt so care free before. “Buck... Ah... It feels good. I think I should try... You know. Before I finish like this.”
“Okay. Okay. You should grab lube. Did you ever had..?” Buck’s voice was hesitant. Like he wasn’t sure how to ask it. Like he wasn’t the guy who just ordered him to stroke himself.
“No, I... I’ve never had anything... In there. Never had anal sex too.” His performance anxiety crept in, testing his nerves. He could feel the weight of his inexperience starting to settle in, threatening to make him feel bad about not knowing more in this area.
“That’s okay. You should start slow. Don't rush in. Take your time, use lots of lube.” He couldn’t read Buck’s voice. It was steady but also shaking too. Like he was holding himself to feel more. It shouldn’t’ve bothered Eddie but it did. And he choosed to ignore it.
He just grabbed the lube before he can change his mind. Squeezed a genereous amount of lube to his fingers and he tossed it his right side again. “I... Now what?”
“It would be easy if you lay sideways and pull your knees, at least one knee up to your chest.” He shifted in bed, turning onto his side and pulling one knee up to his chest. His heart pounded in his chest, each beat louder than the last, as if it might burst out of him.
He let out a little mmmh sound for Buck to keep going. “Run your fingers on your... You know? On your back. Make it wet. Tease it, feel it.”
He shakily lowered his hand. The first touch of his fingertip on his rim shifted something inside him. He left out a delicious moan for Buck’s ear. He circled his two fingers around his rim. He never let himself do this, enjoy this sensation before. It was so weird but sending joy of sparks directly to his hard dick.
Eddie kept moving his wet fingers around his hole, the slickness making each touch feel both strange and electrifying. He pressed a little harder with each circle, his breaths growing uneven as the sensation deepened. A low curse slipped from his lips. Shit, yeah, this was feeling good—better than he could have imagined. His body responded instinctively, hips shifting slightly to meet the pressure.
Why had he never tried this before? The thought lingered, half guilt and half wonder, as he let himself sink further into the newness of it. It felt like uncharted territory, but his body was urging him to explore, to keep going. Just he was about to think that something was missing he heard Buck’s deep voice.
“See if you can work a finger in, nice and slow.” He did as Buck told him, slowly sliding the tip of his middle finger through the tight ring of muscle at his pink, puckered hole. It wasn’t the best feeling he ever had but it wasn’t bad either. When he was halfway inside he pulled back his finger and slowly push it back.
“I’m halfway in. It- it doesn’t feel bad but it’s... It’s tight. Shit. Is that normal?” And for the first time tonight, he heard Buck’s moan slipping out from his phone.
“Fuck Eddie. Yes. Yes it’s normal, it’s your first time. You should keep going so you can stretch yourself more and it wouldn’t hurt you when you use your... toys.” Eddie didn’t know his face could turn any redder, but here he was—proving himself wrong.
“Okay. Okay yeah.”
“Go ahead, press a little deeper, let yourself explore. Stretch yourself more.”Eddie’s heart raced as he tried to follow Buck’s instructions. He only had half of his finger inside, and even that felt foreign—strange, but not in a bad way. The initial tightness gave way as he moved, and with every slow press, a warm, tingling sensation started to build. Nervous as he was, he couldn’t ignore the way his body was responding, the way his breath hitched when he circled his finger. This was new, yes, but it was starting to feel... good.
Eddie bit his lip, his movements becoming a little more confident as he adjusted to the sensation. He pressed in just a bit deeper this time, and a quiet gasp escaped him. The warmth was spreading now, radiating outward in waves that made him shiver. He wasn’t sure if it was his imagination or something more, but there was a spark of something... addictive. He curled his finger slightly, testing, and the reaction from his own body sent a jolt of pleasure through him. Oh, wow.
“Buck! Buck—I—Ah...” Eddie gasped, his breath hitching as he struggled to put words to the overwhelming sensations flooding him. It felt strange, yes, but also oddly familiar—like the rush he got when he came, except he was nowhere near to coming.
“It feels so good,” he admitted, his voice trembling. “I-I think I found my—you know. I didn’t think I’d actually find it this easily, but... shit. What am I supposed to do now? Should I—can I—add more?”
On the other end of the line, Buck’s breathing was heavy, the sound crackling through the phone and grounding Eddie in the moment. “If you think you can take another finger, yeah,” Buck said, his voice low and steady, full of quiet encouragement. Also more breathy than he ever heard. “Do it, Eddie. Add another, but take it slow. Don’t rush—just let yourself feel it.”
So he did it. Eddie added another finger, slowly pressing his index finger alongside the first. The stretch was immediate, and as he pushed in halfway, a sharp burn flared. God. He knew his fingers were thick, but this—this was something else. It burned, yes, but not in a way that made him want to stop. The ache melted into something deeper, something that sent a thrill curling through him. It wasn’t enough—not yet.
Gritting his teeth, he pressed further until his fingers were buried to the knuckles. He held them there, still, letting his body adjust, the burn subsiding into a warm pulse of pleasure. Then, slowly, he slid out before pushing back in, the motion sending shivers up his spine.
It was awkward, twisting his fingers to find the right angle, but even the fumbling felt good. The stretch, the pressure, the way his body seemed to open around him—it was better than he’d expected. A slow, simmering need began to bloom inside him, a craving for more, for deeper, for something.
“Buck... More... I want more. It feels so go- Ahh – good. Mmhhh.” Even just two fingers were enough to set him fire with pleasure, drawing broken, shameless moans from his lips for Buck to hear. He couldn’t stop the sounds, couldn’t hold them back—didn’t want to. The thought of Buck, of having Buck inside him, crept into his mind.
He’d seen it before, hard and heavy, and the memory sent a fresh wave of heat coursing through him. Buck was longer, thicker than his two fingers combined, and yet—god—didn’t he crave it? The stretch, the fullness, the raw intimacy of it. The thought alone had him pressing his fingers deeper, chasing a sensation he hadn’t realized he needed so badly. Why on earth he deprived himself from this?
“Not—not yet, Eddie. God, you sound so good—you have no idea,” Buck’s voice crackled through the speaker, low and full of something that made Eddie shiver. “Maybe fuck yourself a little more? Add another finger, take your time.”
Eddie let out a shaky breath, his chest heaving as he tried to focus. He wanted to do this right—for himself, but also for Buck. He pushed his fingers in deeper, his body trembling at the stretch. The sensation was incredible—hot, overwhelming, and dizzying in the best way. His mind was already starting to blur, but he didn’t want to lose himself completely. Not yet.
Steeling himself, he brought his ring finger to join the others, pressing it against the tight resistance. Slowly, carefully, he pushed them all in together, and good god. His hole stretched around his fingers, the pressure making him gasp sharply, a moan tumbling from his lips as if it had been punched out of him. The stretch was intense, toeing the line between too much and just enough, and it felt so good he couldn’t stop the soft sounds escaping him.
Eddie kept working his fingers inside himself, each movement sending ripples of pleasure through him. He lost track of how long he’d been at it, his breaths coming in quick gasps, when a needy moan tore free from his throat. The sound was raw, desperate—and it seemed to echo back at him.
He froze for a second, and then he heard it—Buck gasping softly on the other end of the line.
Oh god. Was he? Was Buck doing what he thought he was doing?
“Buck?” Eddie’s voice trembled, low and breathless “Buck, are you... touching yourself?”
There was a pause, broken by a strangled sound from Buck’s end.
“I’m trying not to,” Buck admitted, his voice strained, heavy with restraint. “But, Eddie... shit, you should hear yourself. The way you sound—it’s driving me crazy. I can picture it. You, spread out on your bed, fingers deep inside you, looking so—god—so good. Your moans... fuck. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’m—Eddie, I’m trying so hard not to touch myself.”
Eddie’s breath hitched at Buck’s words, the vivid imagery making his head spin. His fingers moved faster inside him, the sensation sharpening with each thrust. His free hand clutched the pillow beside him, grounding him against the growing tide of pleasure.
“Buck,” he moaned, already sound wrecked and pleading. “Touch—ahh—touch yourself. Please. Touch yourself for me.”
His cries dissolved into a string of breathless moans, each one spilling into the phone, unfiltered and raw. The thought of Buck on the other end, giving in to his own desire, only deepened the ache building inside him.
“Grab your toy, whichever you want to use,” Buck’s voice rasped, rough with want. “Lube it up—make it wet.”
Eddie’s fingers slipped free in an instant, his body clenching at the sudden emptiness. His hole fluttered around nothing, the loss making him groan softly. He didn’t waste a second, reaching for the toy and the lube he’d set beside him earlier. “Gonna — gonna use the dildo.”
It wasn’t big, but it was definitely thicker and longer than his three fingers—still smaller than Buck, though. Just the thought sent a flush of heat through him. With trembling hands, he flipped the cap of the lube open, pouring far more than he probably needed onto the toy’s tip. The slick liquid dripped down its length as he smoothed it over, stroking slowly, letting the friction warm it in his hand.
Settling back onto his side, Eddie lifted his right knee again, exposing himself to the cool air of the room. The toy hovered at the edge of his swollen, sensitive entrance, the anticipation making his breath hitch. He hesitated, feeling the weight of the moment, before pressing the tip gently against himself.
“Fuck! Oh shit—Buck! Ahh—Ahh—it’s so much!” Eddie cried out, his voice breaking as the sensation overwhelmed him. But god, it was good. A breathy moan slipped past his lips as he pushed the toy almost halfway inside. His chest heaved, yet it felt like he couldn’t get enough air, as if the toy had stolen every breath he tried to take. This was nothing like anything he’d felt before. It was intense, almost too much, yet impossibly addictive. His mind blurred the lines between pain and pleasure.
“Eddie? Hey, are you breathing? Eddie?” Buck’s voice broke through, laced with concern.
“Y-yeah,” Eddie answered, his tone shaky, his body trembling with sensation.
“Do you want to take a break? There’s no shame in it,” Buck said softly, the care in his voice unmistakable, even as it trembled under the weight of his own desire. Eddie could hear it—how much Buck was affected. It wasn’t surprising, really. How could Buck not be? Eddie was doing this for him, letting him listen to every intimate sound, every gasp and moan. Of course Buck was enjoying it.
“No,” Eddie said firmly, his breath hitching. “No, I don’t want to take a break. Shit, Buck... why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you tell me it feels this good? I would’ve done it sooner.”
He pulled the dildo out slowly before sliding it back in, inch by inch. His body arched as wrecked, desperate sounds tore free, filling the room. He pushed it deeper this time, almost taking the full length, though there were still a couple of inches left to go. “I never want to stop,” he panted. “It feels so good. I’m so full, Buck. So full.”
“Wait—lemme—” Buck’s voice cut out briefly, followed by a faint click and the hum of background noise. Then Eddie heard it: the unmistakable pop of a cap and the wet, slick sound of lube. His heart raced. Buck had put him on speaker. Oh god. Buck was lubing his hand. Buck was touching himself.
Eddie swallowed hard, heat pooling low in his belly at the thought of Buck stroking his gorgeous length, those same hands Eddie had always admired now wrapped around himself.
“Keep going,” Buck rasped, his voice thicker, rougher. “I think you can go faster now. Try to find your spot—the one that’ll make you feel even better. Shit—keep going, Eddie.”
Eddie could hear the slick sounds coming from his phone, the rhythmic wet noises filling the air. He imagined Buck’s hand moving fast, slicking over himself, the sound of it only making him more desperate. God, was Buck hearing this? Hearing how Eddie was playing with the toy, how it slid in and out, the wet sound echoing through the phone?
Shit.
When he hit the sensitive bundle of nerve inside him he couldn’t stop himself. Words tumbled out in a dazed, breathless rush. “You’re bigger... bigger than this toy, Buck—ahh... I wonder—would you fill me up more than this? Make me feel... better?” His voice faltered, the thought of Buck inside him both terrifying and intoxicating. “Fuck... I want you, Buck... I need more than this... Please. Please.” He was on the verge of sobbing.
“Shit—shit, Eddie, yeah. I’d fill you so good. Fill you... just the way you deserve it,” Buck moaned, his voice rough and strained in Eddie’s ear. “Fuck, I’m so close... are—are you close too?”
“Yes! Yes—ah, oh god! I’m so close, Buck! I wanna come—please, please, it feels so good!” Eddie gasped, his body writhing against the sheets. His wrist ached from the relentless pace, but he didn’t care. The burn in his muscles only fueled him more. His entire body was alight, the heat building inside him. His length was painfully hard, trapped between his body and the sheets, aching to be touched, but he didn’t need to—he was already teetering on the edge. The pleasure was coursing through him, so close to the release he could already taste it.
“Come. Come for me, Eddie. You were so good. You did so good,” Buck urged, his voice low and needy and breathy. “You can let go... please... please come for me, Eddie.”
Eddie let out a hoarse scream, his body tensing as the pleasure took over. His vision blurred and went dark for a moment as his climax hit him, legs shaking violently while his body clenching hard against the toy, painting the sheets under him with white ropes. The overwhelming release sent him spiraling, the world around him fading as he finally let go.
Buck’s moans were raw, desperate, filling Eddie’s ears. “Oh—fuck—fuck, Eddie—shit... you—you're amazing... ahh.”
Then, through the phone, Eddie heard a choked gasp, Buck’s breathing stuttering as he came undone. The sound was jagged, almost broken, and it made Eddie’s heart race even faster. Buck’s voice came out in a strangled moan, a mix of pleasure and frustration as he reached his release.
Shit. In a way, he made Buck cum. Oh shit.
Eddie lay on his bed, his heart still racing as he caught his breath. Sweat clung to his skin, and he felt a mix of emotions flood over him. Part of him felt lighter, as if a burden had been lifted, but another part of him was tangled in knots—guilt. He had crossed a line, hadn’t he? He had let things go too far with Buck, and now he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had somehow ruined things.
As the heavy breaths began to slow, the silence between them stretched out. Buck’s voice broke through first, still breathless, but softer. “Eddie? You good?”
Eddie swallowed, trying to steady himself. “Yeah... yeah, I’m fine.” His voice felt too small for the weight of what was happening in his mind, but he couldn’t bring himself to say more. Not now. Not when everything felt so... wrong.
Buck hesitated before speaking again. “Was it good for you, Eddie? Did it feel good?” His voice was soft, uncertain, as though searching for validation, for reassurance.
Eddie closed his eyes for a moment, his heart racing, but he didn’t know what to say. “Yeah... it was fine. I should take a shower. See you later at the station. Bye.”
Before Buck could respond, Eddie hung up, the finality of the click making his chest tighten. He stared at his phone, his breath shaky. The room felt too quiet, too still. A gnawing unease began to creep in, and he realized his hands were trembling. What had just happened? Why had he let himself go like that? Why had he let Buck in?
His mind reeled as the reality settled in. Had he ruined everything? They were friends—had always been just friends. But this... this was something else entirely. Something he didn’t know how to explain. Something he hadn’t even known he wanted.
Eddie dropped his phone on the bed and get up, pacing around his room, his thoughts spiraling. What if Buck was regretting it? What if this had completely changed the way Buck saw him? And what about Eddie? He didn’t know what to feel, didn’t know how to navigate these strange emotions.
The feeling of shame slowly crept in. What if his own unspoken needs—the ones he didn’t even know existed until now—had ruined everything? What if he couldn’t go back to the way things were? What if he couldn’t go back to just being friends?
He ran a hand through his hair, feeling the weight of it all. The guilt, the confusion, the fear that something he never saw coming had shifted the ground beneath him, pulling him into unknown territory.
ith a frustrated sigh, Eddie walked towards the bathroom, trying to shake off the weight of the moment. The sound of the shower turning on was a small comfort, the water’s warmth helping him breathe a little easier. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t quite get rid of the nagging feeling that things had changed. He didn’t wanted to worry about any of that. He just had a life changing pleasure. He wants to focus on that, he can worry about things later.
***
Okay. When he told himself he’d worry about it later, he didn’t think later would come this soon. Like, right after stepping out of the shower, wearing nothing but sweatpants, still feeling the heat clinging to his skin.
He thought about the moment he saw Buck with that brunette guy. The unease curling in his stomach. The same feeling creeping up when people mentioned Abby. The way his chest tightened when Buck said he was seeing Ali. When he started dating Taylor. When he looked Eddie in the eyes and said, feels like she sees me. When he admitted he couldn’t stop thinking about Tommy.
Shit.
Every damn time, that tight, suffocating feeling was there. That awful, twisting discomfort. He told himself it was nothing—concern, maybe. Friendship. But it wasn’t. He was jealous.
Not just uneasy, not just thrown off. Jealous. Because someone else was touching Buck. Making him laugh. Taking up space in his life. Because someone else was getting close to his partner. His co-parent.
The love of his life.
Oh.
His breath caught in his throat.
Love of his life.
It hit him all at once, knocking the air right out of his lungs.
He was in love with Buck.
All this time. Every shift together. Every late-night movie, every inside joke. Every moment Buck spent loving Christopher. Every single time Eddie felt safe, steady, whole just by standing next to him.
He was in love with Buck.
Oh god.
He was in love with Buck.
Eddie ran a hand through his damp hair, pacing back and forth across the living room. His heart was still hammering in his chest, and no matter how many deep breaths he took, it wouldn’t settle. His whole body felt too warm, too restless, like the air around him was suffocating.
This was stupid. Completely insane. He shouldn’t be doing this.
And yet, he reached for his tablet with his shaking hands.
He hadn’t heard much from Chris since he left for Texas, and every day that passed without a call, without a text, had only made the guilt heavier. He had let his son down. He knew that. But maybe—just maybe—if he could say this out loud, if he could tell Chris what he had just realized, then maybe… maybe Chris would understand.
Maybe he would understand everything. Like how Eddie just figured out himself.
Eddie swallowed hard, his thumb hovering over the screen before finally tapping the button to initiate the video call.
When the call connected, Chris appeared on the screen. He didn’t look mad, but there was a clear distance in his eyes. He was slouched back on his bed, arms crossed, not quite looking at the camera.
“Hey, kid,” Eddie greeted softly. He smiled, trying to sound casual, but his nerves were evident in the way he shifted his weight.
Chris barely nodded. “Hey.” His voice was flat, distant. It was the same tone he’d been using the past few weeks, and Eddie couldn’t help but feel guilty.
“How’s Texas?” Eddie asked, trying to bridge the gap. He couldn’t stand the awkward silence that lingered in the air.
“It’s fine,”Chris replied. “Abuela and abuelo are nice. I’m okay.”
Eddie caught the way Chris avoided his gaze. This was the same behavior he had been seeing ever since Chris found out about Eddie seeing Kim. Eddie hadn’t intended for Chris to find out, but the damage was done, and it felt like things will never be the same ever again.
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you, Chris,” Eddie said slowly, his voice low. “I know things have been a little weird between us since... well, since everything with Kim happened.
Chris stiffened. The name hung in the air, like a weight neither of them wanted to address. Chris shifted uncomfortably on his bed, his eyes avoiding the screen. He hadn’t wanted to talk to Eddie about it, and Eddie understood why. Seeing a woman who looked so much like his dead mother had shaken Chris. But Eddie had never expected this silence to stretch on for as long as it had.
Chris spoke before Eddie could continue. “I don’t wanna talk about it.”
“I know, buddy,” Eddie replied softly. “But I think we need to. I never meant for it to hurt you. I just—"
"Why did you do it?" Chris cut him off, his voice tight. “Why would you even—"
Eddie closed his eyes for a moment, running a hand through his hair. He didn’t know how to explain. What could he say? How could he make Chris understand that he hadn’t meant to cause harm? That the woman who resembled Shannon hadn’t been an attempt to replace her but simply a moment of weakness?
“I didn’t mean to hurt you, Chris,” Eddie said, his voice thick with emotion. “Kim—she’s a good person. But when I saw her, it felt like I was seeing Shannon again, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I was struggling with losing her all over again, and I—“
Chris’s face darkened, and he cut him off. “So, you went and found someone who looked like Mom? Someone you could... what, be with? Just like that?”
Eddie winced at the words, the sting of Chris’s hurt cutting deep. “It wasn’t like that, Chris. I wasn’t trying to replace her. I wasn’t trying to... be with her. She was my friend, and when she died, I felt like I lost everything. My best friend, my connection to a time before everything went wrong. And I thought seeing her again might somehow fill that void.”
Chris turned his head away slightly, his face drawn with confusion and hurt. “But why would you do that? Why didn’t you just talk to me about it?”
Eddie took a deep breath. This was the hard part. He knew his son was still struggling with the loss of Shannon, and Eddie’s own way of grieving had only made things worse.
“I don’t know, Chris. I didn’t want to burden you. I thought you’d think I was crazy, or that I couldn’t move on. And the truth is... I haven’t. I never really have, not fully.”
Eddie paused, unsure if he should continue, but he knew there was more he needed to say.
“I—I’ve been trying to figure out why things never worked out with women, why I’ve always struggled with relationships. And I think I’ve figured it out. I think I’m... I think I’m gay. I know, I know I’m gay.”
There was silence. Eddie’s heart pounded in his chest. He hadn’t expected this to be easy, but he also hadn’t known how Chris would react.
Chris blinked, his eyes wide with shock.“Wait... what?”
Eddie’s throat tightened. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now, and I’ve realized that... I don’t feel the way I’m supposed to feel when I’m with a woman. I didn’t feel it with your mom, and I didn’t feel it with any of the other women I’ve tried to date. But when I think about... being with a man, it just feels... more right.”
Eddie could see the shock in Chris’s face, but there was something else too—curiosity. Chris wasn’t as angry as Eddie had feared. He seemed... confused, but open. Eddie bit his lip, unsure if he was doing the right thing.
“I know this might be a lot to process, Chris. I don’t expect you to say something about this. I just... wanted to be honest with you.”
Chris was quiet for a long moment, processing what Eddie had said. His brow furrowed, and his mouth tightened as he thought it over. Eddie’s heart was hammering now, the weight of the moment pressing down on him.
Finally, Chris looked back at the camera. “That’s... That’s makes sense. I’m just thinking about it and yeah... It makes sense. I know you loved Mom, but... maybe it was just... like, a different kind of love? Like a best friend kind of love?”
Eddie blinked, surprised by the way Chris had put it. It was the first time anyone had acknowledged that aspect of his relationship with Shannon, the deep connection they shared as friends. And in that moment, Eddie realized that Chris understood him in a way he hadn’t expected.
“I loved her,” Eddie said, his voice gentle but firm, “but it was never like the kind of romantic love people expect. We were best friends, and it was easy with her, because we didn’t have to force anything. It was just... natural.”
Chris nodded slowly, like he was finally starting to piece things together. “Okay. I get it now. You didn’t really want… romantic stuff with her.” His voice was steady, but there was something hesitant about it, like he was still trying to wrap his head around it all. “But, Dad… I can’t forget her face. Why was she in our home?”
Eddie stiffened. His throat felt tight. “I— I didn’t want you to see that,” he admitted, guilt pressing heavy on his chest. “I’m so sorry, Chris. I didn’t want to see her again either. I told her that. I explained from the beginning why I was talking to her—how she looked like your mom, how I lost her. And then… next thing I knew, she had a new haircut, new clothes. She made herself look like Shannon. She said she wanted me to have a closure.”
He swallowed hard, blinking against the sting in his eyes. “I didn’t want it. I told her no. But she insisted, said there were things I never got to tell Shannon—things I should say. I told her to stop. I begged her to stop, Chris. I didn’t wanted to do that believe me.” His voice wavered. “But she just kept going, talking like she was Shannon, telling me how little time we had together. And— and I snapped. I swear, for a second, it was like your mom was right in front of me. I couldn’t think. I—” He exhaled sharply, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to hear this.”
Chris didn’t say anything at first. His face was unreadable, blinking through the screen like he was still processing. Then—
“D-Dad,” he stammered. “She— she did that to you?”
Eddie frowned. “I— I don’t…”
“That’s not okay.”Chris’s voice had an edge to it now, firm and protective. “You know that, right? She pretended to be Mom. That’s— that’s not okay.” He shook his head. “I remember how you looked that night, but I didn’t— I didn’t get it until now. You were about to cry, Dad. And she just— she did that to you?”
Eddie was silent, his heart heavy in his chest, just like Chris. “I—Chris, mijo, it’s okay. I’m okay.”
Chris’s voice trembled. “No, it’s not okay, dad. You know that, right? This... this is traumatizing.”
“I know.” Eddie’s voice cracked. “I—I've been seeing Frank. We talked about all this.”
Chris raised his brows, his heart beating a little faster. “You're seeing your old therapist, dad?”
“Yeah, I’ve only seen him once... but I was thinking about seeing him more regularly. I think it could help.”
“That’s... that’s really good, dad. Thank you. Thank you for calling me, for telling me all of this.” Chris’s voice softened. “Figuring out your sexuality in your thirties... especially with how catholic abuela and abuelo are, that must be so hard. Was there... was there a moment, anything specific, that made you realize it?”
Eddie paused, feeling the weight of his son’s question. “I... I think I’ve already shared enough secrets with you, young man. And... I think it’s late. You should get some sleep.”
Chris chuckled softly, the sound of it making Eddie’s heart ache. God, how he missed that sound, that innocent laughter. “Tell Buck I miss him. And tell him how you feel. Don’t keep that to yourself.”
Eddie froze, his heart skipping a beat. Was he that obvious?
“Smartass.” Eddie managed a laugh, though his voice was thick with emotion. “Thank you, Chris. Really... thank you for listening. I’ve missed you so much.”
“I missed you too, dad,” Chris’s voice cracked. “I’m sorry, you know? For not listening to you sooner.”
“It’s okay, mijo.” Eddie’s voice was tender. “I... I made you sad, and you just reacted like anyone would. That’s... that’s okay.”
“I shouldn’t have called abuela, though,” Chris said quietly. “I knew it would hurt you. But I did it anyway.”
Eddie’s heart ached, but he took a deep breath. “It’s okay, mijo. I... I made you do that.”
“No, dad. It’s not okay. Stop saying that.” Chris’s voice broke. “I’m really sorry. Maybe... maybe I should start packing?”
Eddie’s heart raced at Chris’s words. His eyes widened, hope flooding through him. “You... you want to come home?”
“Is that okay with you?”
“Of course! Of course it is!” Eddie’s voice trembled with emotion. “Oh, Chris... you don’t know how much this means to me. Tell me when, and I’ll book a flight. I’ll come get you myself, mijo. Just say the word.” Chris could hear the desperation in his dad’s voice, and it made him smile, even through his own tears.
“Okay, dad. You know I love you, right?”
“I know, mijo. I love you too.”
“Good night, dad. I’ll text you.”
“Okay, good night, Chris. I’ll be waiting for you.”
Eddie took a shaky breath, his heart lighter than it had been in weeks. God, he was happy. For the first time in a long while, he felt free. He was gay, he was in love with Buck, and his son was coming home. He was happy.
***
Eddie wasn’t ready to see Buck the next day. He didn’t trust himself. He knew the moment he laid eyes on him, he’d want to kiss his stupid face. And they needed to talk before anything like that could happen. He shouldn’t have escaped last night, shouldn’t have hung up before they had a real conversation. He had been wrong to do that.
But before he could talk to Buck, he needed to do something else. He needed to come out to the team. His family.
Hen already knew. Buck… well, Buck should’ve known after last night. But Eddie wanted to do this properly. No more half-truths, no more avoidance. If he was going to move forward, he needed to start being honest. With them. With himself.
The firehouse felt quieter than usual as he climbed the stairs. His stomach twisted, and suddenly, his excitement turned to nerves.
He wasn’t afraid of them rejecting him—he knew they wouldn’t. His second family would support him, no matter what. It wasn’t about them. It was about him. About finally allowing himself to admit it, to say it out loud: I’m gay.
Hen already knew. Buck must’ve knew at this point. There's nothing to be afraid of. He reminded himself.
He had made peace with himself last night. He knew it was okay. But still…
Eddie wiped his sweaty palms on his pants. He needed to do this. The longer he waited, the harder it would be.
Taking a deep breath, he stepped into the firehouse kitchen. Chimney was wiping down the counter, Bobby was flipping through paperwork, and Hen was sipping her coffee. And then there was Buck—leaning casually against the counter, looking so effortlessly himself, as if nothing had changed.
But everything had changed.
Eddie’s stomach clenched. Buck had been the reason he had figured all of this out. The way he had always been there, in ways Eddie never let himself accept. The way Eddie had felt watching him date other people. The way Buck saw right through him, even when Eddie tried to hide.
His hands shook as he exhaled. “Hey, uh… can we all sit down for a second?”
His voice wavered, and he hated it immediately.
Four sets of eyes turned to him.
Chimney frowned. “What’s going on? You okay?”
Bobby exchanged a look with Hen. They all knew he’d been off lately—quieter, distant. Now, they were waiting for an explanation.
Buck straightened slightly, concerned. “Yeah, man, what’s up?” His voice was gentle, but Eddie could feel the weight behind it. Shit. They should’ve talked before this.
Eddie rubbed the back of his neck, shifting his weight. “I… I need to say something,” he said quietly. “Something that’s been on my mind for a long time. And, uh… I don’t know how to say it. But I… I just don’t want to keep hiding anymore.”
The team gathered around the table, sensing his unease. Chim rested a hand on the back of Eddie’s chair. Hen stood close, quiet but steady. Buck didn’t move, but his eyes never left Eddie.
Eddie swallowed hard. His chest felt tight. “I don’t know if any of you ever thought about this before, or if I ever made it obvious, but…” He took a shaky breath. “I think—I know—I’m gay.”
There was a brief silence. Eddie felt his heart racing, his pulse thundering in his ears. He had said it. He had said it. The weight of those words hung in the air like a storm cloud, but it wasn’t the rejection he feared. It was the feeling of his own truth now being out there, exposed. He could already feel himself shrinking into himself, waiting for the reaction. His heart pounded so loudly he thought they might hear it.
And then—nothing. No shock. No discomfort. No rejection.
Chimney was the first to speak, his voice steady. “Eddie, man, it’s okay. You don’t have to hide anything from us. We’re family. And that’s normal.”
Bobby nodded, voice warm. “Exactly. You’re one of us. This doesn’t change anything. You’re still you.”
Hen smiled, stepping closer to him. “We love you, Eddie. We’ve got your back. Always. We support you no matter what, okay?”
The tension in Eddie’s shoulders eased, but his heart still raced. It wasn’t their words, not really. It was the fact that they weren’t surprised. That they weren’t looking at him any differently.
“I just… I didn’t know how to say it,” Eddie admitted. “I’ve been hiding it for so long. I didn’t know how to accept it.”
“You don’t have to hide anything from us or yourself. ” Bobby repeated gently.
Buck finally moved, stepping closer. His blue eyes were warm, filled with something Eddie couldn’t quite name. “We’ve always got you, Eddie. Always.”
Eddie swallowed hard, his eyes welling up with unshed tears. He hadn’t realized how much this had been weighing on him until now. All this time, he had been so scared of letting himself be who he was, of saying the words, of letting the people closest to him see him as he truly was. But now, with their support, it felt... right. Like he was finally allowed to exist, fully.
“I didn’t want you to see me differently,” he confessed. Hen crouched in front of him, squeezing his hand. “Eddie, you’re who you are and we see you. The real you. And we love you, no matter what.”
Eddie nodded, finally feeling the tears he had been holding back trickling down his face. But this time, they weren’t tears of fear. They were tears of relief.
“I’m just glad I don’t have to keep hiding anymore,” Eddie whispered, looking around the room at his friends—his family.
They all smiled back at him, and in that moment, Eddie felt like he could finally breathe. He had come out to the people who mattered most to him, and they had accepted him with open arms. There was no fear of rejection, no shame. Just love.
“I’m just… I’m gonna go a little bit. I need to freak out but I’m fine. I- I’m really fine. I just need to breathe and realize what just happened. I’ll just — freak out on the corner I guess. Thank you.” And he get up quickly.
Eddie walked into the bunk room, closing the door behind him with a soft click. The weight of his confession still pressed on his chest, and the faces of his firehouse family lingered in his mind. It had been harder than he expected, but it also felt strangely freeing—he had said the words, he had admitted his truth, and now, there was no going back.
He needed a moment alone to breathe…
Eddie sat on one of the bunks, running a hand through his hair, staring at the floor, trying to make sense of everything. Except—for the first time, there was nothing to figure out.
He was free.
All those years of doubt, of feeling like something was wrong with him, of pushing things down until they strangled him from the inside—none of it mattered anymore. Because it was okay. He was okay. He was gay, and his family had accepted him with open arms. He was gay, and the world hadn’t ended. He was gay, and he was still just… Eddie.
The door creaked open.
“Eddie?”
His heart skipped a beat.
Buck.
Eddie wasn’t surprised. He had known Buck would come looking for him. But now that he was here, Eddie wasn’t sure how to face him. Not after last night. Not after everything that had been said—and everything that hadn’t.
There was so much between them, and for once, Eddie wasn’t confused about it. He wasn’t in denial. He wasn’t fighting it.
He just wanted to kiss him.
But they had to talk first.
Buck lingered in the doorway, his expression unreadable—soft, but searching. Like he was waiting for Eddie to make the first move. The silence stretched between them, heavy and fragile. Then Buck cleared his throat, his voice light but laced with something deeper.
“So… gay, huh?”
It was meant to be casual, but Eddie could hear the hesitation underneath. The vulnerability.
Eddie let out a breath and gave a small, knowing smile. “Yeah. Gay.” His voice was steady, sure. And for the first time, saying it felt easy.
Buck hesitated. “I mean—I kind of thought, after last night, but—” He cut himself off, rubbing the back of his neck. “I don’t know. A lot of straight guys experiment.” Eddie raised an eyebrow, lips twitching. “Buck.”
“I mean—”
“Buck,” Eddie repeated, a laugh bubbling up before he could stop it. “I had a dildo up my ass, begging for you. I think that gave it away a little bit, don’t you think?”
Buck let out a choked noise and covered his face with his hands. “Oh my god.”
Eddie grinned. “I mean, I think I always knew, too. Kind of like how you said before you knew you were bi before you actually said it out loud.” His smile softened. “I think I knew there was something there. I just didn’t have a name for it. I couldn’t just accept it.”
Buck dropped his hands, looking at him with something unreadable in his eyes. Then, after a beat, he stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. Instead of standing awkwardly by the doorway, he sat down beside Eddie on the bunk, close enough that their shoulders brushed.
There was a long pause before Eddie spoke again, quieter this time.
“Why did you break up with Tommy?” Well. This was unexpected.
Buck tensed slightly, then let out a sigh. “You know why.”
Eddie swallowed. He had his suspicions, but he needed to hear it. Needed Buck to say it.
Buck ran a hand through his hair, exhaling through his nose. “Tommy said it himself. He said I always ran to you first. Always. That I came to you for everything. And…” Buck hesitated, then looked at Eddie, his blue eyes open and raw. “And he wasn’t wrong.”
Eddie’s stomach clenched. He had known. But hearing it out loud was something else entirely.
Buck’s voice was quieter now. “We had a fight. I kept pretending it wasn’t true. That there wasn’t something between us. But… when I’m with you, Eddie—” His voice caught. He blinked, like he was bracing himself, then let the words spill out. “I love you. I always have.”
Eddie forgot how to breathe.
The words hit him like a tidal wave, knocking the air from his lungs, rattling something deep in his chest.
“You—” Eddie’s voice faltered, and he swallowed hard. “You love me?”
Buck let out a soft, nervous laugh, his gaze growing tender and intense—so much so that it nearly brought Eddie to his knees. “Yeah, Eds,” he said quietly. “I love you. I don’t know how not to.”
Eddie felt as if he were shattering from the inside. For so long, he had buried these feelings—convincing himself that he and Buck were just friends, that this love wasn’t possible, wasn’t real. Yet, deep down, he had always known: he was in love with Buck. He hadn’t expected Buck to accept it so quickly, but here it was, undeniable and raw.
“How could I not love you?” Buck murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “You’re you—this incredible, brilliant, stubborn, caring, and loving person. You’re an amazing father, and my best friend. You’ve been there for me through everything.” He paused, shaking his head in disbelief that it had taken him this long to speak the truth. “I love you. I always loved you.”
Eddie’s chest ached.
His heart was pounding, and his skin was buzzing, and all he could think was— this is it.
This is real.
Buck was in love with him.
For a long moment, Eddie didn’t know what to do with all the truth that had been laid bare—what to say, how to respond. He’d spent so many years holding back, convincing himself he could keep his distance from Buck. But now, with Buck’s confession hanging in the air, everything felt different. The walls he’d built for protection were crumbling, and the intimacy between them was undeniable.
And then, before he could stop himself—before either of them could overthink—he surged forward, closing the space between them, and kissed him.
His hand reached out and rested on Buck’s, a silent plea for connection. Buck’s eyes widened in surprise for just a heartbeat, but he didn’t pull away; instead, he welcomed Eddie’s touch, allowing him to lead this time.
At first, the movement was slow and tentative—both of them testing the waters of this new vulnerability. But the hesitation melted away as their lips met in a kiss that felt as if it had been years in the making.
The kiss was soft and intimate, brimming with everything they had never dared to say. It wasn’t rushed or forced—it was full of unspoken understanding, trust, and the raw, undeniable truth of feelings that had been buried too long. Eddie’s chest tightened as he pressed closer to Buck, feeling the warmth and gentle honesty of his lips. In that moment, it felt like coming home—a deep exhale after holding his breath for far too long.
When they finally pulled away, no words came at first. The kiss had spoken volumes. After a lingering beat, Eddie broke the silence, his voice low and trembling with emotion.
“I didn’t know I needed that.” he whispered, his hand still resting gently on Buck’s arm.
Buck smiled, his eyes shining with a mixture of relief and longing. “I needed that too—like, eight years’ worth of need.”
“You’re an idiot,” Eddie laughed, shaking his head as he took a deep breath and gathered his thoughts. His eyes softened with emotion as he looked at Buck, and he found himself wanting to kiss him again. Without a moment’s hesitation, he leaned in, pressing his lips gently against Buck’s.
Between tender kisses, Eddie murmured, “By the way… just to be clear…” Buck responded with a soft chuckle, his gaze warm and inviting. Eddie’s heart thudded uncertainly, but he pushed past the vulnerability. “I love you too.” he said, his words barely above a whisper before he deepened the kiss.
It was simple, straightforward—and probably the most honest thing he had ever said. For so long, he’d hidden these feelings, afraid to let himself truly feel them. But now, standing there with Buck, it all felt so right. The way Buck’s face softened—as if Eddie had just handed him a piece of his heart—made every word all the more meaningful.
Buck smiled, that familiar, heartwarming smile that made Eddie’s chest tighten in the best way possible. There was so much love in it, and in that moment, Eddie realized this was exactly what he’d been waiting for—waiting to hear, waiting to feel.
Suddenly, Eddie pulled back and exclaimed, “Buck!” His eyes sparkled with excitement as he met Buck’s gaze. “Chris… Chris is coming home.”
Buck threw his head back and laughed, a joyful sound that filled the room. Then, without hesitation, he leaned in and kissed Eddie—because that was what they could do now, finally free to share their love without fear.