Work Text:
"Yeah! The plan worked!"
"I suppose it did."
Thus, a handshake on a job well done.
Black Hook, the infamous space pirate.
Heavy Iron, the most notorious outlaw of Planet Machina.
Apart, they were mortal enemies. Together, they were unstoppable. And at the moment, they were tentative tenants of Ed Motors.
After countless years of arguing, fighting, and butting heads over every little thing, they finally found something they could completely agree on:
Bullying a Star Guardian. (A former one, anyways.)
"You fools are going to pay for this!"
Flame Nova. Recipient of three Machina Crosses... Former Star Guardian and now disgraced sinner... Attempted hijacker of the Speranza and would-be conquerer of Earth...
Foiled by wheel locks.
That's right. Wheel locks.
Ed Motors had everything necessary to repair vehicles. That included wheel locks. Apparently, Ed used them to stop vehicles from rolling away while he was working on them.
Buster Gallon had already reinforced some of them so they could be used on Metal Cardbots. On paper, they were supposed to be used for things like medical checkups. They were technically restraints, but as long as you had the key, it wasn't a problem.
"I'll have to thank Buster Gallon again later. These things work great!" Black Hook said proudly.
"You have a lot of faith in your suboordinates. It seems that it's not misplaced this time." Heavy Iron commented.
"I'm just going to pretend that was a compliment."
"Suit yourself."
Wheel locks weren't necessary on Planet Machina, least of which because anyone could just transform out of them. Well, most anyone...
Flame Nova was fuming.
Not only could was he unable to move, he couldn't even free himself. He needed his component pieces to transform. Without them, he was almost no different from a regular fire truck. He was basically helpless.
Where were they? Inside the Metal Brace that was with that conspicuously absent kid along with Blue Cop. He suspected that this was why these two pieces of scrap decided to strike today. He was ambushed and locked up before he even realized. If they hadn't chained up his ladder cannon too, he would have shot them both and be done with it.
"Heh, this idea was brilliant. We should have done this sooner."
"What should we do with him, now that he's at our mercy?"
"Well, since we're not allowed to break anything or cause any serious injuries... Let's vandalize him."
"What?" Flame Nova was baffled. "You can't be serious."
"What do you suggest?" Heavy Iron asked, completely ignoring him.
"Those kids from the kindergarten gave me a pack of stickers," Black Hook displayed it in his hand with flourish. It was a rather thick booklet. "I wasn't sure what to use them for, but I think now's as good as time as any."
"How many do you have?"
"5000. They said they got it with their allowance."
"Pocket money, right? Their parents must be generous."
"What about you?"
"Shadow X gave me some markers. He wanted me to do some pranks with him," Heavy Iron pulled out a thick roll of markers, held together with rubber bands. "I turned him down, of course. I wasn't going to stoop to something so childish."
"What do you call this, then?"
"Blowing off steam."
"And you're sure they'll work?"
"They're 'alcohol-based.' As long as the surface is dry, it's fine."
"Great! Let's get started! Hold him down for me, would ya?"
"Gladly."
"What?! Hey!"
And then they got started. Heavy Iron held down an angry and wriggling Flame Nova while Black Hook began pasting stickers wherever he could. Both outlaws ignored the swears and death threats. They'd heard worse.
This was all outrageously pretty, but considering how much trouble Flame Nova put them through, it was probably well deserved.
Plus, nobody would complain about it! Two infamous outlaws teaming up against a Star Guardian, and people would probably cheer for them!
Besides, as long as they didn't maim him or anything, it was fine! Probably.
"OK, I think I need to take a break. My fingers are starting to get sticky."
"Right. Let's start drawing. Here, you take one."
"You sure? Don't you need me to hold him down?"
"Vibrating makes the canvas unstable. If he does that, it's going to be even messier."
"...!" Flame Nova growled, but he got the hint and forced himself to be still.
Then they started scribbling. They weren't looking to draw anything special, just whatever came to mind. It was their first time doing it, after all.
"Hey! This is actually kind of fun!"
"That's not how you draw a flower, you idiot."
"Oh yeah? I'd like to see you do better."
"You're supposed to do it like this."
"...That's a flower? It looks like a fuzzy gremlin."
"Say that again, I dare you."
"Could you not argue while you're doing this to me?!"
""Quiet you.""
"Shouldn't we stop them?" Phoenix Fire asked anxiously.
"Could we, really? Heavy Iron and Black Hook are working together. Getting in between them probably wouldn't be a good idea." Mega Ambler answered.
The two were watching from a safe distance away. All the other Metal Cardbots were off doing their own thing, pretending not to notice the imminent chaos. There wasn't anything they could do anyway.
"Hey, let's prop open his door and spill some glitter inside!" Black Hook suggested gleefully.
"What?"
"What? No. Absolutely not. We're outlaws, not monsters. Even Deus Machina would think that punishment is too cruel." Heavy Iron stated, crossing his arms.
"... What's glitter?" Flame Nova was almost afraid to ask. Because if Heavy Iron thought it was too much...
"Little sparkly bits of metal and paper that will spread around everywhere and stick all over you and never. Go. Away." Heavy Iron explained, his pupils disappearing for emphasis.
"The humans use it as decoration. The little humans love to make a mess with it. They call it 'arts and crafts.' Sadistic and imaginative..." Black Hook added, nodding in approval.
"You're only saying that because one of those brats spilled some on me. That was weeks ago. I think still have some stuck inside my wheel wells. Ugh."
Flame Nova could only think of that stupidly persistent cosmic space dust. He got careless one time, and cleaning took so long he thought the stains would never come out. To get something like that on his interior...
"And you want to use that on me?!"
"Why not? You kind of deserve it." Black Hook shrugged.
"No! Absolutely not! If you do that, I'll kill you!"
"Yeah, just try me."
"We're not doing it." Heavy Iron interrupted with a huff.
"Oh, come on. Live a little, ya big lunk."
"I said no."
"Fine, have it your way. Killjoy..."
Flame Nova vented deeply, trying in vain to keep it together. It's going to be over soon, he told himself. He just needed to endure, he just needed to endure...
"Hey, we gotta flip him over. We can't miss his undercarriage."
"Should we roll him over or pick him up?"
"Roll him. I think his cannon still works."
"Right. On three. One, two-"
"Don't you dare-!"
THUNK!
"Whoops. We're gonna to have to redo that side..."
"That's fine. We still have plenty left we can still use."
"When I get my limbs back, you two are going to burn! Burn! Do you hear me?!"
"We shouldn't be watching this..." Mega Ambler gently took Phoenix Fire by the hand and led him away. "If you break anything, I'll be adding it to your bill! Ed will know about it!" He hollered over his shoulder.
"Yeah, yeah, we got it. Hey, hold on, there's some spare paint cans over at the warehouse. Hold these. I'll run over and grab some."
"Well, hurry up. I'd hate to finish this without you."
"JUST LET ME GO ALREADY!!"
When Jun and the others returned hours later, the first thing they noticed was Flame Nova. The fire truck, still in wheel locks, had been placed right near the entrance where everyone coming in could see.
He was also a nearly unrecognizable mass of color, scribbles, and spots. He had gained at least two more pairs of poorly drawn eyes, and there were reflective stickers everywhere, as well some new colors splotches that looked more like discolored mud than paint. That's not counting all the scribbles and tape...
The kids immediately doubled over in laughter. Ed was completely gobsmacked. Pictures were taken. Blue Cop tried to keep a straight face, but...
"Pfft."
"Traitor."
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh, I was just caught off guard. That's all. Really... Pfft."
Heavy Iron and Black Hook were scolded by an amused Blue Cop, but they were completely unapologetic. In fact, they were already plotting for next time.
Outlaws they may be, artists they were not. But they were thorough. It took a whole three days to clean up the mess. Ed was a little upset, but since they didn't actually break anything, he let it go.
Flame Nova (figuratively) locked himself in the warehouse and refused to come out. He was so angry he looped back around to being completely calm. It was the only way he could cope.
The small humans were laughing at him. Fine. He could ignore that. He didn't care about what some humans thought.
The other Metal Cardbots were laughing at him too. He didn't care about that either. He did not.
But having his former junior laugh at him was going to bruise his ego for weeks. This farce was an embarrassment. How was he supposed to live this down?
He'll get his revenge on those two someday. He just needed to persuade that kid to give him his components back...
...
Incidentally, the next time the kindergarten kids came around, Flame Nova demanded to be put in the Metal Brace. No, he did not explain why.
(Buster Gallon was so horrified at the prospect of glitter that he immediately started research into developing a glitter remover. He's currently working on a prototype. Heavy Iron volunteered to be first in line.)