Chapter Text
October
“I’m gay!” Eddie bursts through the Wilson’s front door without knocking. Upon seeing him, Karen picks up the empty wine glasses and heads for the kitchen. “Why is that so hard; I’m gay!”
Hen sighs and pushes out of her chair, putting a hand on Eddie’s arm to guide him to the dining room. “Slow down, cowboy. Denny and Mara are sleeping. If you yell something too interesting, they’ll come out here and there’s no way they’ll go back to sleep after news like that.”
Eddie groans and sinks into the chair at the head of the table. “Sorry Hen, sorry Karen. I didn’t think about anything, I just drove over here.”
“You know we love having you, Eddie.” Karen gives him a warm smile, bringing them all fresh glasses and a new bottle. She gives Eddie a generous pour and sets it in front of him. “What did Buck do this time?”
“He didn’t even do anything!” Eddie takes a small sip. “He’s just being so nice, and supportive, and patient, and it’s killing me!” He takes a larger sip. “Do you wanna know what he said to me tonight?”
Hen and Karen stare at him for a moment, before Hen takes a gulp from her glass and gestures for him to continue.
“We were watching a movie after Chris went to bed, and he just turned to me and went, ‘I’m so lucky that I get to do this with you.’ We were just sitting there on the couch, in silence, for over an hour!”
“And, is that a bad thing?” Hen may be a lesbian, but sometimes the weird dynamics between those two confused her. She often wonders if other gay men have such odd mating rituals, but she’s pretty sure that’s just a Buck and Eddie thing.
“No! That’s what’s so awful about it!” Eddie takes another sip of his wine. When he sets it down, Hen moves it further away from him. He’s going to have to drive home at some point and they have a shift in the morning. “I feel like I’m constantly lying to him!”
“You still haven’t come out to him since we last talked about it?” Hen’s voice is laced with concern, “Not that you are obligated to. Obviously, this is all on your own terms. But it’s eating you up, Eddie.”
Eddie signs and lays his head on the table in lieu of a response.
Karen moves from her spot leaning against the wall, patting Eddie on the shoulder before sitting next to her wife. “Has there not been a good time to bring it up?”
“There’s been plenty of times,” his voice is muffled by the wood of the dining table, “but Buck and I haven’t talked about anything serious since we came back from El Paso.”
Eddie glances up without lifting his head to see Hen and Karen sharing a look. He really longs for that type of connection, where a glance can convey a thousand words and they’re understood immediately.
“Eddie, sweetie.” Eddie recognizes the motherly tone laced in Hen’s voice. She uses it more often with Buck, but he’s been her new target since he started barging into their dining room every time he needed to be gay and sad. “That was over six months ago.”
He sighs, again. “I know! But everything’s been so great since Chris and I came back, I don’t want to spoil the mood.”
Karen glances at her wife before turning to Eddie. “But has it really been great? You’ve been over here multiple times a week for big emotional conversations. We love having you and you are always welcome here, no questions asked, but you seem miserable. Are you sure everything’s great?”
Eddie groans and lifts his head from the table, hiding his face in his hands to take a few calming breaths. “I feel like I’ve been waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“And have you talked about this to Buck?” Hen waits for him to drop his hands, reaching for one of them when he does.
“No.” Eddie bites out a sad laugh, “What would I even say?”
“How about,” Karen rests her chin on her hands and looks straight at him, “‘We almost kissed before I left for over six months and never talked about it. All while you lived in my house the entire time and it’s emotionally distressing for me.’ Does that give you a good starting point?”
Eddie rubs his eyes to try to stop the tears threatening to form, “Ouch, does me being gay now just mean that you’re allowed to be harsh and call me out on my bullshit? Is that what it’s like being a part of the club?”
“Yeah,” Karen grabs his other hand, “that’s what it means. Along with the homosexuality, you get a bitchy lesbian best friend. It’s in the contract.”
Eddie’s phone picks the perfect time to start ringing, and because his life sucks, it’s Buck calling. Hen and Karen jokingly make kissing noises at him, Eddie hurriedly shushing them so he can pick up the call.
“Hey Buck, what’s-” Eddie is cut off, Hen and Karen’s eyebrows raising in confusion, “Yeah, I’m just at Hen and Karen’s, I can be home in ten. Are you okay? Is Chris awake? Yeah, that doesn’t sound like a good idea, stay put. Yeah, see you soon. Bye Buck.”
Hen finishes the last of her glass of wine, “What did Buck do now?”
“He uh,” Eddie suspiciously hesitates for a moment, “Got himself locked in my bathroom. Christopher is asleep and has midterms in the morning, otherwise he would have just broken down the door. He didn’t want to wake him up.”
“So let me get this straight,” Eddie can’t even make a joke about her wording with the intensity that Karen is staring at him with, “Buck’s been at your house this entire time, while you were here moping, and he got stuck in your bathroom? The master bathroom?”
“Yeah, Eddie,” Hen leans in, a sparkle of mischief in her eyes, “why would Buck be using the master bathroom, the one connected to your room, when there’s a perfectly good one down the hall?”
“Well, um.” Eddie can feel the heat rising to his face. “Buck may or may not have slept in my room for the past week.”
Hen and Karen seem stunned into silence for a few moments. Karen, always the rational one, breaks it. “Your room? Or your bed?”
Eddie bolts out of his chair. “I would love to answer that for you Karen, but I have to go rescue Buck.” He snatches his phone and keys off the table before they can stop him for questioning. “Thanks again, see you tomorrow Hen!”
Karen finishes the rest of her glass, standing up and grabbing her wife’s hand to guide her to bed. “They’re going to send me to an early grave. Good luck dealing with them tomorrow.”
Eddie ends up having to break down the door, slamming into it with his shoulder. So much for not waking up Chris.
The boy in question stumbles sleepily into the room before Eddie can get a word in. He peeks into Eddie’s room, rubbing at his eyes, “What’s happening?”
“I’m fine Chris,” Buck’s on the floor of the bathroom still, his eyes are red and his face is splotchy, “The doorknob fell off and your dad had to break it down to rescue me.”
Eddie is stuck staring at him. He has barely been gone for an hour, but Buck looks miserable.
“Dad?” Chris comes further into the room, helping to break Eddie out of the trance he was in.
“Go back to sleep mijo, it’s really late.” Buck holds out a hand to be helped up, fully breaking Eddie out of his stupor. He grabs it and pulls Buck to his feet. “See? He’s fine. And you have midterms tomorrow.”
Chris sighs in response, like father like son, and heads back to his room. It’s almost been a year since he left to get his son back and there’s still tension around Eddie telling him what to do. It’s definitely progress, but it still hurts.
Eddie realizes that he’s still holding Buck’s hand, and drops it like it burns.
Buck stares at the loss of contact. After a few moments, he looks back up at Eddie. “Did you get the laundry detergent?”
Eddie’s confused for a moment, before remembering. Oh right, the excuse he made up to go panic somewhere else. “Um, no. But, it worked out because while I was in the car Hen called and said Chris left one of his textbooks there yesterday!” Great, more lying. “So that’s why I went there.”
“You’re just going to have to deal with me stinking until we get to the firehouse then.” Buck chuckles, leaning against the doorframe.
Eddie leans against the other side of the doorframe, since his bathroom has no door now, “You could just borrow mine?” Why did he say that, oh god.
Buck smiles and pushes himself off the doorframe, walking into the room. “Can I pick?”
Eddie gulps, he really hopes the soft lighting in his room is enough to conceal how red his face is turning. “Sure!” When Buck turns around to rummage through Eddie’s drawers, he grimaces. That was way too enthusiastic.
He turns to go into the bathroom, he can’t really even hide in there like he wants to, now that there’s no door, and starts to brush his teeth. At least if he has a toothbrush in his mouth he can’t say anything else stupid. He makes the mistake of turning around, only to see Buck taking off his shirt. He turns back to face himself in the mirror as fast as he can, focusing on the dirty glass instead of the growing redness in his face until he can hear Buck getting settled into bed.
His bed.
Eddie sits on the other side of the mattress, fiddling with the TV remote. He finds the white noise YouTube video he was looking for and puts it on, pointedly avoiding looking at Buck.
“I like this one,” Buck starts, settling into the covers and turning towards the wall, “the ones with the rain sounds are too much stimulation sometimes”
Eddie just hums in agreement, mirroring Buck’s pose. He buries his nose into his comforter, it’s starting to smell like Buck’s shampoo.
They’re quiet for a while, Eddie assumes Buck’s drifted off already. Ever since they started sharing a bed, he’s fallen asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow.
“Eddie?” Buck whispers. “You asleep yet?”
“Nope,” it takes him way longer to fall asleep than it does for Buck, “you okay?”
“Maddie called me,” Eddie feels Buck turn to face his back, “Our parents want her to spend Christmas with them.”
Eddie frowns and turns to meet his gaze, “Because of the baby?” Buck nods. “That’s bullshit”
Buck rolls his eyes fondly, “Yeah but, I kind of get it. She said she wants to try and give them one more chance, for the kids.”
“As much as I hate that, I get where she’s coming from.” Eddie’s frown turns into a grimace. He is not the Buckley parents’ biggest fan. “My parents might have screwed me up, but I still wanted them to have a relationship with Christopher.”
“Yeah.” Buck looks away from Eddie, fiddling with his blanket. “She wants me to come with her. That’s why I locked myself in the bathroom. I started to get a little upset and didn’t want to wake up Chris.”
“That’s a terrible idea!” Eddie starts to raise his voice. He quiets down when he remembers his son is trying to fall back asleep down the hall. “They can force themselves into Maddie’s life and say it’s for the grandkids and she can be okay with it, but they don’t have a good enough reason to do the same thing to you!”
Buck chuckles. “Thank you for defending my honor, but I get why. She needs to know if they can be trusted around her kids, and that includes me.”
The reality of what that means for Eddie hits him like a truck. He wants to be selfish. He can’t.
“Are you going to go?” He knows his face is betraying the facade he’s trying to put up, he can tell in the way Buck’s expression softens.
“I think so, yeah.” Buck sighs. “I’d rather be here though. You know that, right?”
“Yeah,” Eddie’s breath shudders, “I know.”
“It’s gonna suck, but I think I have to.” Buck pouts. “I can’t miss Nash’s first Christmas, but I don’t want to miss another Christmas with Chris. With you.”
“Yeah,” Eddie places his hand between them, a silent offering he knows neither of them are going to act upon, “I know.”
Buck nuzzles into his blanket, trying not to give in to the urge to fall asleep mid-conversation. “Thank you for being here with me. And supporting me, no matter what.”
Eddie pulls his hand back, getting comfortable enough so they can face each other while they sleep.
“Always.”
November
If Buck couldn’t spend Christmas with them, Eddie was just going to have to make up for it somehow.
As the weeks ticked down, Buck seemed to get more withdrawn and reserved. He was mostly normal around Eddie, but he wasn’t as talkative in a group as he usually was. And anytime anyone mentioned their Christmas plans, he would make an excuse to leave the conversation. Needless to say, Eddie was getting increasingly worried about him.
Which is how he finds himself reading a Buzzfeed listicle of “big gesture” Christmas gifts. Most of them were directed at couples, sure, but that didn’t mean Eddie couldn’t use them for inspiration. He’s in the loft of the station, most of them lounging between calls. Buck’s quietly pattering around the kitchen, putting together some sort of dinner.
10) Jewelry, a classic that nobody can refuse!
Find out what they like to wear, usually a choice between silver and gold (This one’s important, boys!) and go to town! A big gesture can mean a big budget!
Yuck, that had a misogynistic undertone that Eddie didn’t like, plus Buck didn’t even wear jewelry.
9) Something practical that they would want for themselves, but wouldn't go out of their way to buy. It may seem like a boring idea, but it really shows how much you listen to them and understand their needs.
That one’s not too bad, but Buck and Eddie do stuff like that all the time, so that doesn’t make it special.
8) A getaway vacation is always a hit! It could be a cruise, international travel, or a road trip they've always dreamed of embarking on!
Eddie isn’t sure if that one is practical for their situation. Buck’s already going on a vacation, using up most of his PTO that he’s saved this year to do so, Eddie doesn’t think he’ll have it in him to go on another big trip so soon. Buck craves a sense of normalcy after traumatic or stressful events, and Eddie isn’t going to be the one to deprive him of that.
He wants to keep reading the list, but he can feel a looming presence over his shoulder. He quickly pockets his phone, turning to see Hen with a knowing smirk on her face. “Don’t read too far into what you saw.” Eddie keeps his voice low, hoping Buck isn’t roused from how focused he is in the kitchen.
Hen holds up her hands, placatingly, “I wasn’t thinking anything, loverboy!” She says the last word quietly but with a taunting edge to it.
“It’s not what you think it is, nothing’s changed on that front.” Eddie lets out a soft sigh.
Hen drops onto the seat next to him and gives him a reassuring pat on the shoulder, “Yet!”
“Did he tell you, about Christmas?” Eddie drops his head back onto the couch cushions, casting a glance towards Buck in the kitchen. They catch each other’s gaze for a moment, and Buck smiles at him before getting back to his work.
“Buck, or Chimney?” Hen sighs. “Because from what I can tell, it involves both of them.”
“I know they want to see their grandkids,” Eddie starts to get heated talking about the Buckley parents, “but do they not realise this is their first Christmas without Bobby? Do they even care?”
“I wouldn’t put it past them to completely disregard the impact that Bobby had on their son and son-in-law’s lives.” Hen starts to mirror his energy, both of them being super protective over their best friends. “I get why they want to spend Christmas as a ‘family’,” She uses mocking air-quotes for this, “but why couldn’t they come here? They don’t have to force everyone to bend to their whims, as much as they think they have that kind of power.”
“What sucks is that they do hold that kind of power, at least over Buck.” Eddie makes sure to lower his voice again, it has raised a bit when they started to get heated. “I just wish there was something I could do to help.”
“There’s not much you can do,” Hen sighs again, they're doing a lot of that lately, “short of flying to Pennsylvania and scooping up Buck and bringing him home, saving him like a damsel in distress the minute his parents step out of line.”
Eddie’s eyes widen.
“Eddie!” She whisper-yells, her eyes widen in response, “I wasn’t serious!”
“But Hen,” Eddie whines, “it would solve so many problems!”
“Lord have mercy,” Hen puts her head in her hands, “not all of them!”
“Think about it, Hen!” Eddie’s bouncing in his seat a little, excited that this could be the ‘Grand Gesture’ he was looking for. “It could be perfect!
“What about your family’s Christmas, Eddie.” Hen glances over to Buck to make sure he isn’t listening in on their hushed conversation.
Eddie looks at her, confused, “but Buck is my family.”
“I mean your extended family, idiot.” Hen gives him a sad look. “After your Abeula passing this year, I doubt you can get out of having a Texan Christmas.”
Eddie deflates. “You’re right, I should have thought of that. I’ll need a different ‘Grand Gesture’ I guess.”
“Grand Love Gesture?” Hen changes tactics to teasing him again.
“Not love love, deep best friendship love! Buck’s already feeling bad about having to spend Christmas over there, I want to be able to lift his spirits the best I can.”
“Whatever you say, buddy.” Hen pats him on the shoulder and stands to join Buck in the kitchen instead.
Hen, sadly, had a point. Eddie’s family mostly celebrated Christmas on the 24th, as a lot of Mexican-American families did, so he usually would make it back in perfect timing to celebrate Christmas on the 25th with the 118.
This year, however, his mother was insisting upon changing those plans to accommodate her Swedish side of the family that would be in the states for the holidays this year. Instead of his parents spending the day recouping from all of the festivities the day before, they would be hosting a second party. Eddie had perfected the timing over the years, but this year put a wrench in those plans. Instead of spending the day with his chosen family, he’d have to play the Perfect Son to keep up appearances for people he hadn't seen since he was seven.
It didn't even make sense to Eddie, most Swedish people celebrated on the 24th as well, but his extended family wanted the “American Christmas Experience” this year. And despite their rough months involving everything with Kim and Christopher, Eddie still couldn’t say no to his parents.
Eddie turns to catch Buck’s eye from the kitchen, who beams at him and motions him over to try a bite of the dish he’s made.
He really wishes he had the strength to say no.