Work Text:
‘Hen is dead’
Howie’s words just keep ringing through Karen’s ears as she drives back to the house she used to call home just a little while ago. He was right, that moment wherein she lived in a world without Hen scares the crap out of her too.
She can’t live in a world where she can’t have a possibility at repairing what her and Hen had. She refuses. She can’t just let Hen go, not when she is the best thing that has ever happened to her.
Look, Karen knows that she isn’t the easiest, okay. She is demanding, she is bossy, she knows what she wants and she doesn’t settle. She is ambitious and has a dream to chase. Not everyone can live with that and she’s aware of that. In fact, she’d been resigned to staying single until Howie set her up.
Hen is just perfect. She is. Hen doesn’t mind that Karen has strong opinions about the color of the kitchen or the way the cabinets need to be organized. Hen doesn’t mind that Karen works late hours and is focused on climbing the ladder, that sometimes work comes first for her. Hen thinks her rambling about space is sexy. Hen loves her.
A child would change so much about them and it being her ex’s child too. It had felt like a punch in the gut, that reminder that Hen had loved Eva before her. Even with all her flaws. That Hen still wanted to help her.
It had made her so mad. So, she’d left.
But she couldn’t stay away, not when a world without Hen left her breathless. What did it matter that Hen wanted to help Eva by taking in her kid? It didn’t have to be for her, it could be for the baby, who deserved a good family. What did it matter if it was Eva’s child, when Hen wanted to raise them with her?
So, here she is speeding to their house – yes, their house, lawyers were involved but nothing is through yet, that is still their house on paper and god does she want it to stay like that – hoping that Hen will let her back in.
Her key still fits in the lock and she finds some comfort in that as she throws the door open and gasps at seeing Hen. She’s all bandaged up, casts on her limbs and crutches behind her chair. “Oh my god! Are you okay?”
“Never better.” There is also a scowl on Hen’s face and Karen can’t exactly blame her for it. Karen walked out on them, made it very clear that she wouldn’t take this and it wasn’t pretty. And now here she is. Back again. Unasked. Unannounced.
Despite the frosty reception to her worry, Karen still asks: “Hen, what happened to you?” because she is concern ed and the love is there, that never left.
So, it hurts when Hen says: “What are you doing here? You don’t live here anymore.”
Did she really fuck up that much? She already knew she’d made a mistake in leaving, but was it too late? Can she not come back? Desperate for any attempt at the connection they once had, she speaks again with a small voice: “Howie said you got hurt.”
“I’m gonna kill him as so- soon as I can get back on my feet,” Hen says, trying to get up so she can usher Karen out, which doesn’t hurt at all no, sir. And when she tries to help her, not wanting Hen to hurt herself more, Hen just swats her away. “Don’t touch me.”
“Let me help you,” Karen begs, even as she backs away far enough to only hover.
However, Hen keeps her hand up, as if warding her off, anguish in her eyes as she says: “ I don’t need your help. I don- I don’t want you here. Just go.”
And Karen realizes she is not the only one locked in here with a ghost, confronted by the relationship they used to have, living in a husk of the them that was cut short. She doesn’t want that. Not for herself and not for Hen either.
So, she sits down on the table across from her, looking Hen in the eye, because she wants her too see how much she means it, how real this is for her. “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.”
Hen doesn’t meet her eyes, voice laced with unshed tears that are still stuck in her throat: “I was calling you, you wouldn’t answer. And now…” She scoffs. “Why are you here?”
“Because I thought you were dead,” Karen explains, continuing on even when Hen rolls her eyes. “When Howie called, there was a moment when I thought you died in that accident. When I felt like I’d lost you forever. And it scared me. To think you being gone. Never having a chance to fix things or try again.”
Now she is nearly crying. She never cries. Karen is always in control of herself, always strong. But here, in this living room that used to be theirs until very recently, she is breaking. She wants a do over, a second chance, a life with Hen after she fumbled it.
“Karen, it’s too late.”
Hen’s words cut through her and it’s a reality she can’t face. Karen shakes her head, the first tear falling, refusing to take it. “It’s not. As long as we are both here on this earth… As long as we have tomorrow, it’s not too late.”
She holds her breath, hoping this will be enough. That she didn’t ruin this. That Hen will give them the opportunity to rebuild what they had. She doesn’t believe in god or the universe. She studies it, knows there is science and nothing magical about it, even though it is a wonderful thing. However, she does believe in hope and right now she hopes with all she has.
For a moment, it seems like Hen will keep her anger, the hurt that is rightfully hers to feel. Then a tear falls out of her eye too and she softly asks: “You really mean that?”
“I do,” Karen tells her with as much conviction as she feels. “I want to have you in my life. I want to live my life with you. I don’t want to lose you over a stupid argument.”
“Kids isn’t just a stupid argument,” Hen says. “It’s a big commitment and if you cannot commit to that, then maybe that is a sign.” She sighs: “Karen… I love you. I love you so much and the thought of letting you walk out of that door again hurts. But I have to do that. That kid is innocent. They don’t deserve to go into the foster system for Eva’s mistakes.”
It’s a very reasonable and practical argument for Hen to bring up – Karen loves reasonable and practical – however, anything inside her is overridden by those three words: ‘I love you.’
Karen has already made up her mind. She did so the second she hung up on Howie and sped out of the airport, missing her flight to her future. Because that isn’t the future she wants. She wants a future with Hen and Hen is offering that to her. Right now.
“I want this too,” she says without hesitating or faltering. A smile graces her lips as she says: “We can built a family together. Nothing wrong with two moms instead of one, right?”
“Are you sure? You just stormed out over having a kid and you happen to change your mind just like that?” Hen asks skeptically, which Karen can’t blame her for.
“No, I want to raise a kid with you. I’ve always wanted to raise a kid with you,” Karen assures her. “I- I just had trouble with the fact that it’s Eva’s kid, we are going to be raising.”
Hen blinks, visibly taken aback and Karen bites her lip guiltily. “Really?”
“Yes. Really,” Karen snaps, before taking a breath. “It felt like you were choosing Eva over me, giving her that second chance she never deserved. Picking her. That hurt, Hen.”
“What? No. You know I wouldn’t do that. That’s- that’s not what this is about,” Hen protests immediately.
“I realize that now,” Karen says.
“Not before?” Hen asks, hurt.
Karen understands, even though she feels annoyance flare up at how Hen can’t understand why she would feel that. However, it’s not productive to argue again, she wants to rebuilt a life with Hen, talking like adults is a part of that. So she admits: “Rationally, I did, but emotionally… no.”
She awaits the judgment that is sure to come now, but she should have known better, because Hen’s voice is gentle when she says: “Oh my, a scientist? Not thinking rationally? Call the press.”
Indeed when Karen looks at her, Hen is giving her a smile she knows so well, that smile that has always made her heart do little flips. With a grin coming onto her own face she says: “Oh shut up.”
They’re quiet for a moment, the two of them letting it sink in that this is good. That they are committing to something. That this is a first step for them. A second first step, but still.
Then Hen softly says: “So… you’d- you’d want that? To raise Eva’s kid. With me? I mean, that is what you’re saying yes to?”
“No,” Karen says, watching Hen’s face drop in the split seconds before she goes on, “I’m saying yes to raising our kid. Together. If we do this, it’s going to be us doing this together. Eva can give her kid up, that is her choice, but that means she’s giving them up.”
A blinding smile breaks out on Hen’s face as she nods: “Yeah. That. I want that. With you.”
“I’m glad, I want that too,” Karen says, her own smile not capable of leaving her face if she’d wanted it to. “Now, I’ll go grab my laptop and we can work this out better. Have a proper conversation about this and maybe work out a spreadsheet about it.”
“You and your spreadsheets,” Hen rolls her eyes, but she sounds fond.
“Oh you love my spreadsheets,” Karen waves her away casually, getting up from the table to get it. “I am going to get you more painkillers and some tea, because I’m sure you’ve been a stubborn asshole about this all, toughing it out.”
“I’m not a stubborn asshole,” Hen pouts, crossing her arms.
“Yes, you are,” Karen says, kissing Hen’s forehead as she passes. “But I love that about you.”
She feels like she is walking on air as she goes to rummage around a familiar kitchen, her own brand of tea still in the cupboard. There is still a difficult conversation ahead and raising a child together will probably come with more hard times, but it feels good to be back here with Hen right there. Alive.
It feels good to be forgiven for blowing up and abandoning what they had over jealousy. It feels good to be able to forgive Hen for wanting to help Eva, because it’s not just Eva she wants to help. It feels good to have a second chance at Hen and Karen.
Fuck, seems like she’s going to have to thank Howie. Again.