Work Text:
I don’t know if you did this too
But
Whenever I had a crush growing up
I’d find a flower
And pick away each petal
“She loves me”
“He loves me not”
“They love me”
Until no petals remained
If I ended on “__ loves me not”
I didn’t pursue it
But on “__ loves me”
I told myself I’d ask
Him or her or them
Out on a date
Something casual like lunch
Or a walk in the park
I didn’t pursue
I never did
🌼
You love me
You tell me every chance you get
Something about
Making up for lost time
And working towards
No longer denying
Your humanness
I love your humanness
The way you furrow your brows
Over plot holes in the stories you read
How you bitch about the most
Asinine things imaginable and
How you think you’re being clever
When you sneak joints into the bath
I love that when I put my ear to your chest
I hear your heart beating
And when I run my hands
Over the hills and valleys of your body
I don’t feel bones jutting out anymore
But the soft give of your warm skin
I love your laugh
I always loved your laugh
But I love it all the more now
Knowing I’ll never not hear it again
Loving you is easy
Why is loving you so easy?
🌼
You describe having sex as
Someone helping you blow your nose
As both sex and nose blowing exist to
Get your body back to a state of equilibrium
We evolved, after all,
So doing the things we need to survive
Feels pleasurable to us
Right on brand for you
You like nibbling me right below my clavicle
You’ll tell me you’re about to do
Something weird and then proceeded to
Do the goofiest, sexiest shit imaginable
Like
Rubbing your nose into my dick
The way a cat nuzzles their head into your hand
We make out after
And laugh through the kisses
Did I mention I love your laugh?
And then there’s me
Intimacy feels different
Than it used to
Since…well…
My headspace has been weird
And that makes everything harder
Between that and my injuries?
My stupid fucked up leg?
No wonder I blew up so fast
Even the thought of
Cutting my hair
Trimming my beard
Taking care of myself
Makes me nauseous
It’s hard
I don’t recognize who I see in the mirror
No bright-eyed Golden Boy looking back at me
But instead, a tired, fat, broken man
On the cusp of middle age
Everything is so hard
And then you show up
Hug me from behind
Press kisses into my back
Cradle my stomach like
It’s the most precious thing in the world
I wince at the feeling of
Skin on skin
With how damaged
How soft
I’ve become
I fear you’ll know by touch that
I’m not the man you fell in love with
Because I’m not the man I used to be
And yet
You love me
I need to remind myself of that
🌼
I know life has been nuts lately
But
I wanna take you out on a date
A proper one
We can do, I don’t know,
An activity together
Something casual
Like lunch or
Walking through the park
Looking over our shoulders
As we pick flowers
We’ll find a bench
And pick away at the flower petals
“He loves me”
“He loves me not”
You end on “He loves me”
Which, yes, I do love you
I end on “He loves me not”
I almost panic
Almost
But then you kiss me softly
You remind me
And then I remember:
You love me