Work Text:
ROSE: D. Strider, I presume?
DAVE: yo
DAVE: uh do you have an appointment
DAVE: last i remember i was supposed to be meeting with my man stiller and you dont look like a pa
ROSE: R. Lalonde.
DAVE: cool dont care
DAVE: whatre you doing with your phone
ROSE: Don’t worry about it.
ROSE: I believe you’ve heard of my series, ‘Complacency of the Learned’?
DAVE: ohhhh right
DAVE: youre the wizard slash lady
DAVE: so why are you here and also
DAVE: how did you get in without an appointment
ROSE: Your pony let me in.
DAVE: what oh no
DAVE: (maplehoof cmon!)
DAVE: (we talked about this)
ROSE: You have a walkie talkie watch to speak to your pet horse?
DAVE: yes shes my best friend
ROSE: Oh.
ROSE: And you let the horse open doors?
DAVE: of course what if she gets lonely and needs to come see me
DAVE: you didnt hear me say that
ROSE: Alright.
ROSE: Anyway, if you don’t mind I have something important to discuss. I need to speak with you.
DAVE: if youre asking me about adapting your books then im afraid i have bad news for you
DAVE: hate to disappoint but my schedules pretty much sown the fuck up
DAVE: weve got the next eighteen entries in the sbajh franchise in development and as funny as it would be to do a real avante garde hack job of your shitty gay wizard slash
DAVE: i dont think i have the time
DAVE: i know that must be hard to hear but i want to deal with some unhinged ladys hysterics
DAVE: so im gonna have to ask you to leave the premises through the same presumably underhanded and possibly pony related means that you entered them
DAVE: cya
ROSE: Frankly, yes, I AM disappointed.
ROSE: I wasn’t expecting you to be such an insufferable prick.
DAVE: and i wasnt expecting the author of all those dry ass wizardly tomes to be such a demanding flighty broad but here we are
ROSE: I haven’t made a single demand except to ask you to hear me out.
DAVE: right
DAVE: okay
DAVE: look im just gonna come out and say it
DAVE: is this some batshit gothy attempt at seduction because i gotta say-
ROSE: No, David. It is not.
ROSE: We’re related.
ROSE: Perhaps I should have opened with that.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: well shit
DAVE: thats a new one
DAVE: guess i can add ‘claims to be related to me’ to my rejection bingo card
DAVE: perils of being a fucking orphan with no known relatives i guess
DAVE: the idea that is a possibility is going to haunt me for the rest of my days
DAVE: so now what i gotta start treating my dating life like incest minesweeper in case my weird long lost sister busts into my office to ruin my day
ROSE: Yes. We’re twins, in fact.
DAVE: huh
ROSE: If you don’t believe me, I’m sure a DNA test will prove the relation.
ROSE: Also, I’m gay.
DAVE: okay dope are there any other reasons this wouldnt work out that i should know about because i really might be able to get a bingo at this rate
ROSE: Do you hit on everyone who walks into your office?
DAVE: wh
DAVE: come on thats outrageous im not that desperate
DAVE: what makes you think im so skeevy what makes you say that
ROSE: Because you’re desperately lonely, and you have been your whole life.
DAVE: i gotta wonder how the hell you came to such a totally not in the slightest bit accurate conclusion
ROSE: You’re not so inscrutable as you might like to think.
ROSE: At least, not to me.
DAVE: euughhhhh what the fuck
ROSE: You feel as though there is something missing in your life, don’t you?
ROSE: That’s because there is.
DAVE: and what
DAVE: you know what it is
DAVE: what can you see the future or something
ROSE: Yes and yes.
DAVE: alright i am actually going to need you to back up that one somehow because holy shit
DAVE: you cant just walk in here and claim you have psychic powers
ROSE: David, how long has it been since I walked in here?
DAVE: 3 minutes 1.4 seconds
ROSE: That’s exactly right. Down to the decimal, even.
ROSE: See the timer on my phone? And you didn’t need to look at your watch.
DAVE: yeah no i don’t need a watch this is how i talk to my pony when shes in the other room
DAVE: big whoop so youve heard about one of my many massively entertaining party tricks
ROSE: You tell time at parties?
ROSE: I’m not sure what is so entertaining about that.
DAVE: eh what can i say my personality is what makes it work probably
DAVE: you need a good sense of comedic timing to fuck it up on purpose as spectacularly as i do
DAVE: it is an exacting art
DAVE: im still not convinced youre not trying to fuckin scam me here btw
ROSE: Now really, why would I do that?
ROSE: I’m sure you’ve heard about the phenomenal success of my book series.
ROSE: I don’t mean to brag, but I have as much money as you do. More, in fact.
DAVE: yea ive heard youre driving the feds fucking bonkers with all your insane almost certainly illegitimate earnings
ROSE: I have nothing to gain from deceiving you.
DAVE: maybe nothing in terms of material gain
DAVE: but you seem like the type who would enjoy messing with peoples heads
ROSE: ...
DAVE: yeah i get the sense youre deriving some form of amusement from this
DAVE: shit
DAVE: ive gotta say
DAVE: i am not used to being on the defensive in conversations
DAVE: gog damn
DAVE: normally my bullshit routines and generally irreverent surrealist bent catch people off guard know what im saying
ROSE: My apologies. I’m really not trying to unsettle you, or make you squirm.
ROSE: Much.
DAVE: hahaha
DAVE: okay at least youre honest about fucking with me at least a little bit
ROSE: Sometimes I simply can’t help myself.
DAVE: yeah i feel that
ROSE: Unfortunately, I’ve come to understand I’m just the kind of person who tends to unsettle others, even when I am trying not to.
ROSE: But yes, I’m not here to "dunk on you" or "get your goat" or anything like that.
ROSE: As I said before, I do have something important to discuss.
ROSE: I’m here to talk to you about the dealings of a certain corporate tyrant we both evidently share some disdain for.
DAVE: oh the batterwitch
DAVE: fuck that witch
DAVE: dont even get me started on how shes ensnarled all the big media conglomerates i mean what does she even need to gain a monopoly on that shit for when shes already got every mainstream outlet wrapped around her gnarled finger
DAVE: its the exact same gnarled finger that shes got in all the pies
DAVE: some of them being literal pies on account of her originally running a bakery empire
DAVE: all the fingers all the pies
DAVE: point is crocker is sneaking her foul tendrils into places they got no business being and i dont get why no ones done anything about it yet
ROSE: Safe to say I share your concerns.
ROSE: She really does have foul tendrils, you know.
DAVE: what
ROSE: She’s an alien.
DAVE: okay
DAVE: security!
DAVE: please remove this madwoman from my office
ROSE: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Dave.
DAVE: what
DAVE: did you fucking kill them what
ROSE: No. Mysteriously, and serendipitously, they were drawn away by a clever ruse.
DAVE: a distaction
ROSE: Indeed.
ROSE: I’m really not lying about any of this.
ROSE: You are my brother, and the head of Crockercorp is an extraterrestrial invader who intends to take over the world.
DAVE: no see i do think youre telling the truth
DAVE: or at least YOU think you are
DAVE: which is scarier than you just fucking with me for the hell of it
DAVE: sorry ive indulged this long enough but ive got places to be and marginally less insane people to talk to
DAVE: so
DAVE: once again im going to have to ask you to gtfo
DAVE: or face...
DAVE: the consequences
ROSE: Are you...
ROSE: Going to attack me with your sword?
ROSE: In the middle of your office?
DAVE: yes
DAVE: maplehoof get in here i need backup
DAVE: trample this bitch with your hooves
DAVE: cmon clippity clop chop chop times a wasting
DAVE: yessssssss thats it
DAVE: eat her scarf
DAVE: go girl kill!!!
DAVE: kill!!!!!!!!
DAVE: god dammit
ROSE: Oh.
ROSE: Would you look at that.
DAVE: maplehoof nooo
DAVE: you traitor
ROSE: Haha.
ROSE: She’s quite sweet, isn’t she?
DAVE: shit
DAVE: yes she is
DAVE: go ahead and pat her on the nose she really likes that
ROSE: This is silly. Sit down.
DAVE: ugh fine
DAVE: well
DAVE: apparently my pony trusts you and she is a great judge of character so i guess im not going to cut you into a million tiny pieces with my cool sword
ROSE: I know you’re being jokingly self-deprecating about your martial prowess in an attempt to defuse the tension, but I also know full well what you’re capable of.
ROSE: You’re going to need to amp up the training in preparation for what’s coming.
DAVE: ...
DAVE: i think youd best be hitting up a different director ms. lalonde
DAVE: thing is lady im a lover not a fighter
DAVE: and when im on the set i get asked to pull all nighters
DAVE: one day im called to war by a batshit fuckin writer
DAVE: i say naw girl i think you want a knight, durr
ROSE: Please don’t start haphazardly rapping at me out of nowhere when I’m trying to tell you about a deadly threat to humankind.
DAVE: damn b ok
DAVE: if youre serious though
DAVE: then im serious too
DAVE: really not the guy for the job here
DAVE: you want idk
DAVE: akira kurosawa? is he still alive
ROSE: No. He died over a decade ago.
DAVE: damn what about wesley snipes then
DAVE: or maybe nic cage i hear hes some kind of nut job hed probably help you out
DAVE: ask someone who doesnt make dumb shit for a living okay
ROSE: Don’t sell yourself too short, David.
ROSE: You’ve been training for something, haven’t you? Clearly you know your way around a sword.
ROSE: So, once again I ask you: what compels you to take up the blade?
ROSE: I understand you're manicuring the image of an eccentric maverick, but it’s still not the most typical hobby for the Hollywood elite.
ROSE: Perhaps it’s a vague, but persistent sense of some unknown, impending threat?
DAVE: okay will first off im not “hollywood elite” at all im an avant guard indie creator who just happens to have blown the fuck up and gotten big and made friends with some famous people because im just that hilarious and cool and a visionary who everybody loves giving all their money to
DAVE: second off its hopywood now didnt you see the fucking sign
ROSE: We all stand to learn something from your humility.
DAVE: hollow self aggrandizing bullshit aside im really no hero
DAVE: i have this sword yeah but the only cuts im making are directors you feel me
DAVE: in the film world im known for my masterful edits
DAVE: trust me, see my names right there in the credits-
ROSE: Again, please spare me the rapping. I have a hangover.
ROSE: And you literally ARE a Knight, Dave.
DAVE: no way that was just a convenient rhyme i pulled out of my ass come on
ROSE: No, I think you know. You know there’s something weird going on.
ROSE: This pony, for instance.
ROSE: What compels a grown man with the busy life of a famous filmmaker to buy himself a pony?
DAVE: uh
DAVE: its funny?
ROSE: I’m afraid I don’t see the joke.
DAVE: yeah you wouldnt
ROSE: There’s not a lot I don’t See, actually.
ROSE: You also seem to bear a certain degree of emotional attachment to her.
ROSE: You remember her, don’t you?
ROSE: From before.
DAVE: ok yeah so somehow you know my earliest memory is of a pony a lot like this one
DAVE: so what
ROSE: It’s the same pony. Sort of.
DAVE: what???
DAVE: i fuckin ordered her online how the hell is that possible
DAVE: are you telling me time travel is real and my mail order pony figured it out to visit me as a baby because she loves me just that much?
ROSE: Uh. Not quite.
ROSE: All of us have travelled through time, pony included, but not in the way you might imagine. The specifics elude my grasp, though perhaps you may stand a better chance at piecing together that particular element of our story.
ROSE: Seeing that does happen to be your domain in particular. Time, I mean.
ROSE: Mine is Light. As in, ‘shedding light’ on things. As I am trying and almost certainly failing to do with you now.
DAVE: eeyup
ROSE: Also, from a certain standpoint, she was my pony first.
ROSE: Perhaps I ought to take her back.
DAVE: oh shit youre here to steal my fuckin pony i knew it!
DAVE: gotta call the fucking horse cops on you or some shit
ROSE: As much as I'd love to entertain another hilarious tangent, I must insist we avoid straying any further from the matter at hand.
ROSE: I understand that you're uncomfortable right now, but time really is of the essence.
ROSE: I'm going to have another blackout in just over two hours, and it's best if I'm not in your company when that happens.
ROSE: I have a car waiting outside.
DAVE: wait what do you mean blackout
DAVE: do you actually need me to call like an ambulance or
ROSE: No, it's nothing medical in nature.
ROSE: I receive visions from the dark gods of the abyss.
DAVE: ok
ROSE: So do you, albeit on a much more sporadic basis than they seem to have seen fit to bless me.
ROSE: I think you know what I'm talking about.
DAVE: uh
DAVE: i mean
DAVE: yeah i have these weird dreams sometimes
ROSE: Tell me about them.
DAVE: shouldnt i be laying down on a chaise longue or something for this
ROSE: Well, there’s a couch right there.
DAVE: yeah no not that one
DAVE: thats for something else
ROSE: Hrm.
ROSE: What was that about not being skeevy?
DAVE: look youre right id love to keep deflecting but i do actually think talking to somebody about all this weird spooky shit might be beneficial because frankly i was getting worried that id completely fucking lost it
DAVE: like all the pressure of being the hottest shit since lava got to me and id just fucking cracked at some point
DAVE: youre weird and spooky too so im guessing you know something about
DAVE: all of this
ROSE: I do.
ROSE: I know almost everything.
DAVE: damn it i was afraid you were going to say that
DAVE: do you know whats up with the kid
ROSE: He's your brother.
DAVE: what
DAVE: how the fuck is he my brother
DAVE: and whys he all alone in the middle of the fucking ocean for some reason?
DAVE: never mind dont answer its more time stuff
ROSE: It is more time stuff.
DAVE: ok yeah figures
DAVE: so
DAVE: whats he like
ROSE: Hmm.
ROSE: He’s going to be peculiar, to say the least.
ROSE: But strong.
DAVE: i hope so
DAVE: lil bastard is gonna have it rough if these visions are anything to go by
ROSE: He'll be okay.
ROSE: He looks up to you.
DAVE: wow i dont want to think about that for some reason
DAVE: thats a lot
DAVE: man
DAVE: what about your own little bundle of joy
DAVE: you got a doomed future kid too dont you
ROSE: Ah. My... daughter, I suppose.
ROSE: Curiously, I can’t get a feel for her in the same way.
DAVE: you dont
ROSE: I’m not sure why.
ROSE: I wish I knew the best way to go about ensuring her survival.
DAVE: have you thought about stockpiling a fuck ton of soda
ROSE: Strangely enough that had not occurred to me.
ROSE: Oh, my poor child...
ROSE: I cannot tell you how keenly, deeply, profoundly I miss her, and she doesn’t even exist yet.
ROSE: I think about her every day.
DAVE: oh
DAVE: ...
DAVE: so is she cool
ROSE: Dude, she completely fucking rules.
DAVE: hell yeah