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The Fakes exploded from the bank like fireworks.
The getaway van’s engine was already humming, doors open so the last two crew members could leap inside without breaking their stride. When the last foot left the pavement, the van’s wheels screeched down the street even as the door was still closing.
Geoff’s eyes were shining with excitement as he was tossed back in his seat from the force of acceleration. “Guys, I met a fan!”
“Oooh, a fan?” Jack yanked on the steering wheel as she cut a sharp turn onto the main street, weaving through traffic. “That’s so sweet!”
“Yeah, a real live Fakes fanboy! He was so excited to be a hostage.”
Michael stowed his gun and kicked up his feet. “You should’ve seen him. He was blushing. During a bank robbery.” He stuck his head out the open window like a dog, staring behind them at the zooming road. “Cops haven’t found you, Wheels.”
Gavin leaned over the back of Michael’s seat. “Did you get his name, Kingpin? I can stalk him!”
“Agh, forgot to ask.”
“No worries.” Gavin held his phone over Michael’s shoulder. “Hey, find him in the footage, love.”
From the passenger’s seat, Lindsay tried to twist around to see what was going on in the back. “What’s his favorite thing about the Fakes? The fashion sense? The murder? I mean, I’m clearly not questioning his good taste.”
Geoff shrugged. “He said we were badasses.”
“Well, I can't argue with that.”
“Ha, there you are!” Michael spread his fingers across the phone screen to zoom in. He tossed his phone back to Gavin. “He’s the cutie wearing purple. What can you get?”
Gavin slipped back into his seat. “Oh, I can get you everything. Gimme a sec and I’ll have his credit card number and favorite sex position.”
Lindsay jolted as the car took a sharp turn, grabbing the door for support. They were contorted in their seat in an effort to follow the conversation. “How did you find out he was a fan?”
“Because he interrupted the heist to chat me up!” Geoff insisted. “Started gushing about how cool we were, asked for my autograph. He didn’t give a fuck that I had a gun on him.”
Lindsay whistled, impressed. “Damn. Now those are some balls.”
Micheal shrugged. “Look, I’m not saying I got a look at his balls in person, I’m just saying I wouldn’t mind it.”
“Oh, he’s cute?”
“Real cute.” Michael held his hand up a few feet off the car floor. “Short lil’ guy.”
“They’re all short when they’re kneeling on a bank floor,” added Jack as she tore a tight u-turn through an intersection.
“Got him,” Gavin called from the backseat.
The entire car, minus Jack, twisted around to look at him. Gavin was tapping rapidly at his phone as he read aloud.
“Jeremy Dooley, twenty-seven years old, five-foot-four, gemini, blood type B positive. You want his social security? I can get it.”
“What’s his favorite sex position?” Geoff pressed.
“Reverse wheelbarrow.”
“Bullshit.”
“Ah. Yeah. Made that one up.”
In the blur outside the windows, the skyscrapers were giving way to smaller, sparser buildings. In the rapidly-approaching distance, the city surrendered entirely to dusty scrubland.
“Has he got a nice ass?” Lindsay tossed out.
Geoff shrugged. “Dunno, he was sitting on it.”
“Did he look like a screamer?”
“Jesus, Lindsay.”
“What? These are important questions.”
Jack clenched her teeth and yanked on the steering wheel. “Everyone hold on!”
With a horrifying jolt, the car veered off the country road and zoomed over the scrubland. The impact tossed everyone in their seats before they wobbled back to equilibrium.
“Looks like he works nearby,” Gavin rattled off nonchalantly. “Smitt’s Auto and Repair. Anyone fancy a lil’ stalking?”
Michael frowned. “You’re already stalking him.”
“Hey, Kingpin.” Gavin snickered. “Think he’d blow you if you showed up at his work?”
Jack hummed thoughtfully as she swerved the car between boulders and stunted trees. “Auto shop, huh? The Tezeract does need repairs.”
“Jack heard ‘blow’ and we’ve got her full attention.”
With one more violent bump, the van pulled back onto a country road and began to cruise along smoothly. Jack let out a pleased sigh, letting her arm hang out the open window as she took them down the road at a far less terrifying pace.
“Should be smooth sailing until we’re home, crew.” Her eyes flicked up to the rearview mirror, flashing the passengers a smile. “So about this auto shop… is it really stalking if I’m just there as a customer?”
——
Geoff didn’t often have all of HQ to himself.
It was a bright, sunny day. Geoff was stretched out on a luxurious lounge chair next to the rooftop pool, soaking up the sun and sipping a chilly glass of lemonade as he read through the latest murder mystery in his favorite series. It was the perfect way to unwind on the day after a successful heist.
The rest of the crew had dispersed into Los Santos to hunt down and harass Jeremy Dooley, like children who had been given a shiny new toy. But Geoff was in no rush. The day was beautiful, he had a new book, and the phone that sat next to his lounge chair would keep him updated if anything fun happened.
The first time the phone buzzed, Geoff didn’t react. He kept reading, finishing the page he was on. When the phone buzzed again, the words “Jack calling” flashing across the screen, he sighed and set down his lemonade before slipping a bookmark between the pages. The phone had almost gone to voicemail when he picked it up.
“Having fun with the fan, babe?”
“Do you know how much of a dirty thrill I get from not being recognized? Biggest fan or not, he had no idea who I was.”
Geoff chuckled, rubbing his fingers idly through the condensation on his glass of lemonade. “So what’d you think of him?”
“Well, I can tell you he’s not just paying the bills with this job. The man likes his cars.”
“Cute and he likes cars? Jack, you’re a model of self-control for not taking him right there on the hood of the Tezeract.”
“Oh, I bet he would have done it, too. I could feel him staring.”
“Mmm. Now there’s an image.”
“Poor thing, he was trying to keep his eyes to himself.”
“And he’s a gentleman? You must be in love.”
“Here’s the thing.”
“Oh?”
“He saw the mods and asked if I did them.”
Geoff gave an elaborate shrug, as though the phone would pick it up. “So? You did.”
“Yeah, but he went straight from eyefucking me to asking if I’m an extremely skilled mechanic. I didn’t exactly show up covered in engine grease, but he didn’t make assumptions.”
Geoff tapped his fingers thoughtfully against the arm of the lounge chair. “You like him, don’t you?”
“I’m not gonna lie, Geoff, I’d take him out for a drink.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Heh, the rest of the crew is gonna kill me if I hog him all day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll visit the garage and ask him out.”
“If you do, I wanna come with,” Geoff teased. “I’ve never seen a man jizz his pants in public before. Sounds like a good time.”
——
The call from Gavin came just a few hours later. Geoff had chewed through a few more chapters in his murder mystery, but he tore himself away from the pages all the same.
“You find him?” he asked as soon as the phone touched his ear.
Gavin’s voice was bright. “Oh yeah, found him just fine. He went straight from work to a shooting range. I checked in after him, popped off a few shots, watched him have a go. He’s not a half bad shot, but— Geoff—!” Gavin squeaked incoherently. “He’s tiny! He’s a little teacup man! I mean, he’d kick my ass, but, y’know, it’d be real cute while he did it!”
“Gavin, you found his height online. You told us he was five foot four.”
“Pfff, that’s just a number on a screen, yeah? In-person stalking always feels better.”
Geoff waved his finger in a circle. “Rewind to him not being a bad shot.”
“I let him try the squirter.”
Geoff winced. “I hate the way you name your guns.”
“Don’t you wanna hear how he handled it?”
“Ugh, jesus… How’d he handle the squirter?”
“Hehe!”
“I hate you.”
Gavin cleared his throat. “Uh, first shot messed him up. But he made adjustments and did fine on his second try.”
“Only took him two tries to get a good shot?” Geoff thumbed his book absently. “Damn, fast learner. That gun’s a bitch.”
“She’s a slippery one.”
“Gavin.”
“Heh! …Sorry.” Gavin was quiet for a moment. “…Geoff, I wager Jack wouldn’t mind a garage assistant. Lil’ grease monkey who knows his way around cars. Someone to help her tinker.”
“Mmm-hm.” Geoff drug out the syllables skeptically. “A grease monkey who’s not a half bad shot and can handle a squirter?”
“…He’s real fit, Geoff.”
“There’s the motive.”
“Can you imagine the look on his face if he got to meet the Fakes?”
“Be serious with me for a second, Gavin. Do you just wanna fuck him, or is there more?”
There was no hesitation in Gavin’s response. “If he keeps his cool as well as he shoots, I’d want him on my side in a firefight. Bloody surprised he’s got no criminal record.”
“That good, huh?” Geoff took a thoughtful sip of his lemonade. “Hm.”
——
Geoff got the call from Michael right as his murder novel was building up to the big reveal. He fumbled for the bookmark and slammed the book shut one-handed so he could grab his phone with the other. Michael was already rambling as he was still lifting it to his ear.
“ — doesn’t fuck around, either, damn! His biceps? Whoof. This sure as shit wasn’t his first time pumping iron —”
“Slow down,” Geoff interrupted. “Full sentences, Michael.”
“I fought him!”
“Well damn. When’s the wedding?”
“God that felt good. He held his own against me, Geoff. Me! The man takes pride in his fight. And I mean real pride, not some fragile macho bullshit.”
Geoff sighed. “You wanna explain to me why you got in a fight with our biggest fan?”
“Oh, it was at a gym. We did some hand-to-hand stuff for fun. God, I wanna fight him again!”
“All right, tiger, keep it in your pants.”
“He’s already got a code name for himself too. Rimmy Tim.”
Geoff paused. “…Is that about what I think it’s about?”
“Nah, I wish.” Michael chuckled quietly, then let out a breath. When he spoke again, his voice was more sedate. “Geoff, I know this is moving kind of fast, but…”
Michael trailed off, letting the silence speak. Geoff sighed.
“You want him in the crew, don’t you?”
“Maybe some side gig shit, I dunno. I’m not saying this rando is part of the family now, but Gavin said something about him helping out in the garage, or maybe, ugh… He’s just got this attitude, Geoff. I’d heist with him.”
Geoff shook his head. “Gavin didn’t find any criminal background. He’s not ready for a heist.”
“We can make him ready, Geoff, I can feel it. He’s got a hunger.”
Geoff was silent for a moment. He drummed his fingers against the lounge chair, looking beyond the roof pool at the distant city skyline.
“I think it’s time I paid Jeremy a visit myself,” he said at last.
——
Once the crew was back in HQ, it took only a few minutes to assemble everyone in the heist planning room.
“What’s up? We heistin’?” Michael leaned forward eagerly in his seat. “I’m ready for another heist.”
Geoff stood in front of the big mounted map of the city. “I’m gonna pay a visit to our biggest fan,” he announced.
Gavin threw his hands up. “That’s what we’re here for? Bloody get on with it! You don’t need to announce it every time you stalk someone.”
“Hang on, Gavin. I need the crew’s permission for this.” Geoff slipped his hands in his pockets. “I’d like to bring Jeremy to HQ to meet everyone. I’ve been looking at his skillset and I think he could be useful to us. He’s motivated, he’s a ballsy motherfucker, and fuck knows he’s already loyal to the Fakes.”
Jack tapped her fingers against her lips tensely. “How much commitment are we talking here? Is he going in the machine?”
Geoff flinched. “Shit no, not right away. We’ll have a meet and greet, we’ll give him some small jobs, and we’ll see where he fits in. Maybe he just works in the garage. Maybe…” Geoff sighed. “I dunno. Maybe he’s the one we’re looking for.”
Jack bit her lip. Her sigh had the same weight as Geoff’s. “All right, let’s give him a trial period.”
“We’re gonna take it slow, guys,” Geoff assured them. “Let’s not make him a rebound.”
Michael shifted in his seat. His words seemed to come with difficulty. “I feel the same as Geoff. I dunno, I think he could really fit in here.”
“I’m game,” Gavin chimed in. “Let’s bring him by, yeah?”
“Lindsay?” Geoff’s gaze shifted. “You haven’t said anything yet.”
Lindsay leaned back in their chair silently. Their thoughtful gaze was on the far wall.
“I want this to be unanimous,” Geoff pressed. “If you’re not ready to sign off on it, then I won’t invite him over. You haven’t even had the chance to meet him yet, you deserve that.”
Lindsay’s foot bounced thoughtfully. “You all like him?”
The crew nodded. Lindsay’s stony look broke into a vibrant smile.
“Then he’s good. My whole crew can’t be wrong.”
——
The stars were coming out over the rooftop pool, reflecting in the clear water. Geoff’s mystery novel sat beside his empty lounge chair, a bookmark slipped almost at the end of the book. A tall glass containing nothing but a soggy lemon wedge sat beside it.
Even though Geoff wasn’t there, the rooftop pool was far from quiet.
Jack, Lindsay, Gavin, and Michael were gathered around a cooler, each with a cold drink in hand, chatting animatedly as night fell over the city.
“Should I film it when he gets here?” Gavin asked. “We’ve never had a fan visit before!”
“I’m gonna give him a tour of HQ,” Michael declared. He swept his hand at their surroundings, donning a professional tone. “And if you’ll look to your right, you’ll see our grenade room, where we keep the grenades. Over here is one of our three private pools. What’s that? You didn’t bring a swimsuit? That’s okay, none of us will mind if you just jump in naked…”
Jack smacked his arm, and Michael snickered.
Lindsay sipped his soda. “I’m gonna take him out to shoot some cans. Wanna see if he’s as good of a shot as Gavin says he is.”
“I can’t wait for him to see the garage,” Gavin rambled. “If he likes cars, he’s gonna wet himself when he sees our collection.”
The conversation halted as Jack’s phone buzzed in her pocket. All eyes were on her as she pulled it out.
“It’s Geoff.”
The crew crowded around. Jack tapped her phone and held it out so all five people could lean close.
“You’re on loudspeaker, baby. How’d it go?”
“God, this guy’s adorable,” Geoff chuckled warmly. “He was ready to quit his day job the second I mentioned working for us.”
“Are you bringing him home?”
“Nah, I’m giving him the night to think it over. I don’t want him rushing in. Oh, Lindsay?”
Lindsay leaned closer to the phone. “Yeah?”
“If he says yes, I think you should be the one to pick him up.”
Lindsay fistpumped. “Finally!”
“Oh, wait until you hear why. He’s got a poster of you hanging over his bed.”
Jack snorted an undignified giggle into her hand, almost dropping the phone. Michael was less restrained, his laugh echoing across the pool.
“He’s a Wildcat fanboy?” he stammered. “Oh my god. Can I come along?”
“Oh no no no.” Lindsay jabbed a finger against Michael’s chest. “You got to fight him. You had your fun. It’s my turn to make him sweat.”
Geoff huffed. “Could you make it sound a little less like you’re gonna fuck him in the car?”
“You would deny me my one true love, Geoff? My fair mistress, the double entendre?”
Jack sighed. “Well, that’s only if he says yes. If he turns us down, we’re gonna have to leave him alone.”
“Not to jinx it, Jack, but I’m pretty sure he’s gonna say yes. I’ll see you guys in fifteen.”
——
It was a sunny morning. The crew was up and about unusually early, milling around the patio by the street, minus Lindsay. Despite the fact that there was no heist scheduled, all four of them were dressed up in their trademark Fake outfits.
Michael was the one to break the silence. “So how long do we have to wait before fucking him?”
Geoff choked on his drink. He wiped lemonade off his beard while Michael shrugged innocently.
“What? I just want a timeline.”
“You can fuck him when he wants it, if he wants it,” Geoff growled. “Don’t be a dick.”
Michael frowned. “I’m not gonna be a dick.”
“Also you have to wait two months.”
With a dramatic huff, Michael leaned back against the mini bar. “Ah, there’s the protective Geoff I was expecting. He’s not even here yet and you’re already being a dad.” He drawled sarcastically. “Should I have him home by ten, sir?”
“He’s a fan ,” Geoff pressed, his voice stoney. He leveled a searing glare at each of them. “And we’re dangerous people, and he knows it. Remember that. He needs some time to figure out what he actually wants, without some power imbalance fucking him up. Don’t be a dick .”
With a relenting sigh, Michael crossed his arms. “…I won’t be a dick, Geoff. You know I won’t.”
Jack squeezed Geoff’s shoulder. “We’ll give him time, Geoff. If he really ends up belonging here, we’ll have nothing but time.”
Gavin tapped at his cell phone. “So we’re gonna film this, right? We could be making history.”
Michael scoffed. “You can’t just hold up a cell phone when you’re meeting him for the first time.”
“Oh no,” Gavin dismissed without looking up from his phone. “I meant the hidden cameras I installed. They’re good to go, yeah?”
The other three crew members all flinched, suddenly eyeing their surroundings suspiciously.
“…Well I guess they fucking are,” Michael snapped.
“Hang on hang on hang on—” Geoff held up his hand as he unlocked his phone. “Just got a text from Lindsay, the final vote is in.”
The crew crowded close, all trying to peer over his shoulder. Geoff smiled at the screen. He held it up for the crew to see Lindsay’s message.
He’s wonderful. We can keep him.
“Good news, guys,” Geoff announced. “Looks like the Fakes just got a new intern.”
Oojamaflip Fri 21 Mar 2025 03:29AM UTC
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