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the first time taissa turner watched van palmer play soccer, she herself wasn’t actually on the field.
it was a hot march morning, and tai was benched for their last two minutes for kicking one of the other team’s players after she expertly blocked tai’s attempted goal. coach martinez had just thrown her a dirty look, before sending laura lee onto the field in her stead.
van had only been on the team for two weeks. she’d kind of showed up out of nowhere. nat knew her already, and some of the other girls were friendly with her, but she did her best to fly under the radar. it wasn’t until she showed up to tryouts that tai even knew what her name was.
vanessa palmer. it sounded wrong when tai heard it said for the first time, so she wasn’t surprised when van corrected coach scott, asking to be addressed as her nickname and only her nickname. van suited her better - vanessa was far too feminine for her broad shoulders, her boyish grin, the greasy roots of her hair. as the other girls greeted her kindly and showed her where her locker would be, coach had gone on to explain a new formation he wanted to try now that they had a new player to contend with. while he spoke, van stuck a brown elastic between her teeth and pulled her red hair into a thick ponytail at the back of her head, her goalie jersey riding up just so.
tai hated her immediately.
granted, tai hated most people immediately. she’d never been a particularly warm person. when she met natalie in seventh grade, it took her almost two years to stop wanting to kick soccer balls at her head. in fact, it took her seeing natalie puking her guts up in the locker room after practice, eyes puffy and voice a blubbering mess about the things her father had said to her the night before, to make tai wake up and understand why nat wasn’t like the rest of her friends. after that, tai really did try to be more welcoming, especially once her friend group became her teammates when they hit high school. she tried to respect laura lee’s faith. she tried to appreciate jackie’s easy, effortless popularity. she even tried to laugh at misty’s jokes. and she did get better. but there was always a corner of her mind that had to tear things apart, to remind her that she was somehow superior. she didn’t need faith to believe in her sport. she didn’t need popularity to like herself. she didn’t need humor to be respected.
and then van palmer torpedoed a jagged line down the middle of her life.
van was everything tai wasn’t. soft where she was hard, smiles where she was stone faced, gentle where she was rigid. van didn’t seem to mind tai’s coldness or snippy remarks. she remained friendly through all of it. that was just who van was. for a week, tai did her best to either avoid her new teammate or put an unnecessary amount of pressure on her. every time van did something right, tai did her best to give her a reason that she could have done it better. van would just salute her jokingly or bow dramatically, saying “whatever you say, madame,” or “as you wish, i guess,” and eliciting laughs out of the rest of the girls that made tai blush furiously. it wasn’t supposed to be like this. van wasn’t supposed to see through her so easily. but from the very beginning, she didn’t allow herself to fall victim to tai’s cruelty. maybe because she could see that tai had no real reason to hate her at all. this was just who tai was.
during that first game, tai wasn’t trying to watch van. she wasn’t trying to do anything except stew in her own fury that she’d let her emotions get the better of her. again. logic and reason were the rules she lived by - getting this angry in the middle of a game, at the time it mattered most, was so unlike her it made her want to cry.
it wasn’t the first time that day that tai had lost her temper, either. in the locker room, they’d been blasting one of tai’s favorite songs, singing along and dancing together in the way they always did before a game. van had joined in so easily, and had started a faux slow dance with shauna at the point in the song where tai and shauna would usually start shimmying their shoulders and spinning each other in circles until they were dizzy.
tai crossed the room in three steps and pushed van’s arm away, taking shauna’s hand in hers. shauna looked a little bit stunned, but didn’t protest as tai led her away, throwing a last remark over her shoulder. “you can’t just go around stealing people’s dancing partners, vanessa. come on, shaun.”
it was the first time tai had ever seen van falter.
the clock started ticking down again, and tai forced herself to watch her team win without her. if she was able to get past her self depreciation, she actually really loved watching the other girls play. it made her better to see how great they all were. well, most of them. the freshmen could still use some work, and lottie’s footwork left a lot to be desired -
this was what she always did. she couldn’t have a nice thought without three criticisms rising to the surface. the look of discomfort on van’s face in the locker room earlier flashed through her mind, and for the first time in her life, she kind of felt bad about it.
she dragged her eyes back up to the field. shauna had the ball, but quickly passed it to lottie, whose aforementioned footwork was actually really great today. lottie dodged a couple of defensive players from the other team, before sneaking in another pass to get the ball to jackie, moving so quickly that another player almost wiped out trying to block the pass. jackie scored with ease, which didn’t happen very often, but this goalie was not having a good day.
as soon as the ball went back into play, one of the girls from the other team was racing down the field towards van. the team seemed pretty hit or miss, but this girl was a missile, whizzing past tai’s teammates like they were flies buzzing around her head. van’s feet remained planted, her face scrunched up in concentration, and to protect her eyes from the afternoon sun. her red hair sparkled so aggressively in the light that it kind of looked like she was covered in glitter. as soon as this girl went to score, van blocked it so fast that tai actually didn’t see how she did it. van moved from one position to another like she was fucking teleporting. tai was so distracted by whatever the hell van had just done, that she almost didn’t notice the buzzer. 3-2. van had just won them the game.
the yellowjackets roared, stampeding over to van, who was grinning so wide it looked like it must hurt. they piled on top of her, cheering and chanting her name. tai rolled her eyes, but she was smiling as she jogged down the field towards the other girls. nat beckoned her to join the pile of celebration, but tai stayed on the outskirts, not wanting to impose on van’s moment when she’d been a raging bitch to her not two hours before.
back in the locker room, coach scott gave their post-game pep talk, as one of martinez’s sons, javi, was home with the flu. “first of all, i’d like to congratulate van on an absolutely phenomenal first game with the yellowjackets!”
the other girls erupted into applause, and tai noticed van’s face was bright red. she didn’t seem used to this kind of attention.
“that save was legendary,” continued coach. “you should be really proud of yourself. i also wanted to take a moment to shout out lottie for some really great passes, and jackie for a new personal record of two goals in one game!”
more applause, but coach scott’s eyes were now on tai.
“taissa. your temper got the better of you today, and it lost you the opportunity to be a part of a really special moment with the team. i won’t tell you to think about that, because i know you already are, and i know you’ll put in the work to do better next time. however, while you were on the field today, you did a lot of really great work, and contributed to this win just as much of the rest of these girls. well done.”
to tai’s surprise, the girls started clapping for a third time - everyone except van, who was watching her steadily from across their little circle.
nat clapped her on the back. “don’t sweat it, tai. we’ve all had our moments.”
“for real,” shauna laughed. “jackie, do you remember that time you literally slapped a girl?”
“how could i forget…”
the conversation went on around her - coach scott left, the girls started to change and shower, car keys were pulled from bags slung over shoulders - but tai still couldn’t keep her focus away from van. particularly when, to tai’s surprise, van stripped off her jersey and shorts, standing calmly in a thin sports bra and boxers while she fished a towel out of her locker. tai wasn’t sure why she hadn’t expected van to be this comfortable in her second week on the team, but thinking about it again, it made sense. the other girls loved her, and based on the look of her legs, she’d probably grown up in sports.
why the hell was she paying that much attention to van’s legs, anyway? jesus, tai needed a hobby that wasn’t soccer, a hobby that wasn’t these girls.
still, those legs were currently on full display in front of her, and when van lifted a leg up to prop her foot on a bench and start untying her cleats, something in tai’s chest began to unravel.
she tried to distract herself with her own shower, carefully untangling her hair and letting the grime and embarrassment of the day wash off her and drain into the ground. she knew that in the stall beside her, van was scrubbing off the same grime, trying to let the pride cling to her skin. tai pictured van’s skin, the wide expanse of stomach that had been exposed when she undressed.
tai turned her water to the coldest setting.
when she stepped out of the shower, van’s water was still running. aside from them, only nat was left.
“nat, did i fuck things up today?” tai sunk onto the bench, towel wrapped around her, and put her head in her hands.
nat sat down beside her and placed a hand on her arm. “nah. you just choked for a second. i meant what i said earlier - it’s happened to all of us. doesn’t make you a bad player. or a bad teammate.”
tai nods. “i just… you know.”
“yeah. i do.”
“so nobody’s mad?”
“i think lot might be mad that you didn’t hurt the girl bad enough to take her out of the game.”
that gets a laugh out of tai, and natalie laughs too, the two of them briefly lost in the image - how fucking wild it would have been if tai had tripped a girl badly enough to break a bone. how absolutely fucking wild.
nat stood up, pulling her hoodie t on over her big t shirt. “i gotta get home - my dad wants us to eat together.” her nose wrinkled, and tai faked a gag. nat faked putting a gun under her chin and pulling the trigger. tai laughed, but got up and hugged her anyway before crossing to her locker and changing into her regular clothes.
it took her a few minutes of pure silence as she went about her end of game rituals to realize only she and van were left.
she didn’t plan on saying anything at first. but van emerged in a towel, red hair sticking to her cheeks, legs still on display, and tai had to do something, anything, to distract herself from whatever was going on inside her head.
“i’m sorry.”
they stared at each other. neither of them had expected to hear those words come out of her mouth.
van pursed her lips. “for what?”
“for-“ tai hesitated. for what exactly? for being an asshole? for judging her based on insecurity? for distancing herself from van’s big win?
finally, she settled on the safest, most honest option.
“i’m sorry i called you vanessa. it was a dick move.”
apparently, this was the right thing to say. van’s shoulders relaxed, and she nodded. “thanks. it was.”
“can i…” fuck it. “can i ask why you hate it so much? i don’t doubt you have good reason, i’m just-“
“curious?”
the word hung between them, but tai was almost certain she was the only one feeling its weight. “yeah.”
“well, considering i’ve known you for about two weeks and you’ve been nothing but rude and bitchy, i don’t exactly owe you that.” she paused. “but i guess it’s alright.”
“you don’t have to-“
“no, it’s chill.” she walked behind the wall of lockers to change out of tai’s view, but continued talking. “my mom named me that. i mean, duh, but it was sort of to match her? her name is vicky. i think she always wanted a sister more than a daughter.” she paused again, clearly deciding how much she was going to say. “we don’t get along. or speak much, nowadays. that name feels like hers. van feels more like mine. i like it better, and it makes me feel like me, so that’s what i go by.”
tai nods, even though she can’t see her. “i respect that.”
“i wouldn’t care if you didn’t.”
“i know.”
and she did know. already, she was beginning to understand this fierce, complicated, firey girl. and the more she understood, the more she was starting to like her.
van emerged, once again in a sports bra and briefs, and tai did everything in her power to focus on her face. as van packed up, tai played with her car keys, trying to come up with a reason she hadn’t left. “hey.”
van looked up from her bag. “what?”
“i didn’t get a chance to tell you. that save? fucking insane. you’re a really great player.”
she smiled softly. “it was nothing, really. just basic goalkeeping. gotta look out for my team.”
“we’ve been your team for less than three weeks and you’re already protecting us that fiercely? that just means we’re damn lucky to have you.”
they locked eyes, and van smiled again, this time with a twinkle in her eye. tai wasn’t sure why she could already recognize this girl’s facial ticks, but it just made talking to her even more fun.
teammates weren’t required to be friends. they were colleagues, coworkers. they didn’t need to be more than that. the yellowjackets had always been an exception to that rule, but even still. tai didn’t have to befriend this girl.
and yet.
“i want us to start over,” she blurted out as van was pulling a t shirt over her head.
the other girl side eyed her. “really. you want us to, what, be besties now?”
“i just don’t want…” tai sucked in as much air as she could get. “i let my own doubts about the team and my role on it cloud my judgement of you when we met. i’m used to being respected, almost feared. and you just immediately saw through it all. i didn’t like it. i don’t want that to affect us going forward, if you’re willing to give me another chance.”
she stuck her arm out awkwardly, not expecting anything, but to her surprise, van grasped her hand and shook it firmly. her fingers were warm, still a little bit damp from the shower, and this close, tai could smell the pine scent of her shampoo.
“alright, turner, you can have another shot.” van sat down to pull her sneakers on. “but if you fuck with me again, i may not be so forgiving.”
“i wouldn’t expect you to be.”
“good. then we’re settled.” she looked back up at tai and grinned, signaling clearly that she had never intended on letting tai’s bluster ruin their chances at friendship.
the two girls walked to their cars together, discovering that they’d somehow parked beside each other. as they said goodnight, van’s pinkie brushed against taissa’s, and it was as though her heart forgot how to function.
…
the first time van palmer watched taissa turner play soccer, she was still a little bit tipsy from jackie taylor’s party.
it was a sunday game, which were always the worst, because wiskayok parties were no fucking joke. van had watched shauna smoke more weed than she knew a human being could safely consume, and had even watched lottie, the resident calm mediator, take so many shots of whiskey that she’d thrown up all over nat’s shoes. she’d immediately burst into tears, and nat had hugged her with a ferocity that kind of had van questioning whether the girls were really just best friends.
then again, that was always where her mind seemed to go with these things.
now it was go time, and van was hungover as shit. she’d always been a lightweight, which fucking sucked when you were on a soccer team full of hormones and feelings and the constant need to party. but she pushed through the nausea and the headache, slipping into her cleats in the same way she had for years before this team and hoped to continue doing for years after. cleats felt more comfortable to her than regular shoes. they were just familiar. when she put them on, she knew exactly what she needed to do and how she was going to accomplish it. play. block. win.
the sun was blazing that day, so rather than the hug they’d started to ritualize, van just gave taissa a high five when she entered the locker room. it had been two weeks since their last game, two weeks since van decided to give this girl another shot. “you ready for today?”
“well unlike some people,” tai says, bumping her with her hip, “i didn’t get completely wasted last night.”
“i had two beers! don’t act all superior just because you stopped after one.”
“well which one of us is hungover, hm?”
“fuck you.”
“someone can’t hold her liquor.”
“and someone is being awfully rude considering she passed out in my car last weekend.”
“how was i supposed to know that nat’s drink had something else dissolved in it?”
“it wasn’t even your drink?”
they continued this banter as they got changed, now comfortably stripping to near nothing in front of each other. that first week, van had wondered if taissa was uncomfortable with her changing out in the open. she just wouldn’t stop staring. van wasn’t the skinniest girl in the world, but she didn’t really think tai was that much of a dick. and there was no way that tai knew she liked girls - she had carefully avoided mentioning that fact to anyone at wiskayok thus far, and planned on keeping it that way. but eventually, she and tai had found their rhythm, and a month into this endeavor, they were becoming fast friends.
lottie ruffled van’s hair as she passed by. “you ready to kick some more ass today, palmer?”
“you know it, lot. how’s your stomach?”
“better. natalie is an excellent nurse.” lottie blushed just enough for van to notice, and van smiled internally, once again picturing the way nat had held lottie in her arms the previous night. there was definitely something there, even if lottie couldn’t see that yet.
not that van would ever know for sure. if she, who had known she was a lesbian since she was six years old, was this scared of coming out to a relatively supportive soccer team, she couldn’t imagine how terrifying it would be for a couple to do it. she’d have to settle for how fun it was to interpret the glances those two shared, and hope against hope that they’d eventually realize what they meant to each other and make out. they deserved that much.
today, her dancing partner was nat, and the two of them twirled around and fell on their asses in the same way they’d been doing for years. they’d met by such wild chance that nat sometimes joked they were fated to be friends. each of their mothers attended one alcoholics anonymous meeting in her respective life. they happened to attend the same one, and nine year old natalie and van happened to be placed in the childcare center of the church together. it had been casual laughter and halloweens and goofy birthday cards and spare money for lunch ever since.
while nat and van danced, van’s eyes, as they often did, strayed to taissa. she had her jersey on, and was dancing with shauna in the way they always did. her hair was still loose around her face, curls floating in the air as she jumped and giggled, looking more carefree than van usually got to see her. van allowed herself ten seconds to admire how gorgeous tai looked in her uniform, before doing her daily internal push to shove tai to the back of her mind. it wasn’t like she hadn’t had a crush on a straight girl before. in fact, almost every crush van had ever had was on a straight girl. with the exception of her first kiss, who messily fingered her through a dress she hated at a party when she was fifteen, van had never fallen for anyone with any semblance of reality in her mind. she saw an attractive girl, let herself succumb to the fantasies of love and dates and kissing every now and again, and then pushed the feelings away, knowing they could never be real.
and so what if she sometimes caught tai staring back? it just meant she wasn’t being careful enough.
it wasn’t that van thought the girls on the team wouldn’t support her if she told them she swung that way. in fact, she’s pretty confident that they’d support her one hundred percent, at least outwardly. but van knew what it was like to be the one all alone in a crowd of thousands. there would always be a level of separation between her and everyone else. there already was, to be fair, but it was only inside her head. if that separation became tangible, something she could see, that’s when she’d start to break. and van was not about to break in front of these girls.
van didn’t play as well that day as she did during the previous game, at least by her standards, but none of them were doing particularly well. the heat was wrecking their minds, spinning thoughts into fragments that were hard to piece back together fast enough to be useful. laura lee tripped on nothing and gave herself turf burn. nat missed a really easy shot at a goal. van zoned out for just a second, her vision blurred from the sun, and it ended up letting the other team score. she kicked the goal post in frustration, tears welling up in her eyes. she swiped at them furiously, not daring to let the other girls see how out of it she was. it just wasn’t a good game for anyone.
except for tai.
it was like the girl didn’t know how to be bad at soccer. sure she lost her temper sometimes, got too rough with her teammates, isolated herself out of anger and fear of not being respected. but she never once faltered when it came to the game. her skill was unlike anything van had ever seen. every step tai took had a purpose, and she wanted everyone else to know it. when the timer started back up after van’s botched save, tai maneuvered the ball to their team with such ease that it almost looked like the black and white shapes were an extension of her body. she ran down the field, those perfect curls blowing gently out from under her headband. van couldn’t see her face, but she knew it was the face of someone confident that they were about to win.
tai scored in seconds, and while it wasn’t going to get them a win, it did make her smile. van so rarely saw her smile.
after it was over, tai jogged over to her before they even got off the field. “don’t sweat that goal. it was just a blip. you’re the best we’ve ever had, ok?”
i raise my eyebrows. “do my ears deceive me or was that a compliment that came without strings?”
“i’ll take it back, if you don’t want it.”
“no, no, give me more! tell me tales of my courage and bravery, taissa turner.”
…
the first time tai invited van to her house, her parents were out of town. it had been a month and a half since van joined the team, and tai decided it was time for them to spend some time together outside of soccer. sure, they went to parties, but there was always a cloud of pressure hanging over the girls, making them drink and smoke more than they usually might just to try and escape it. van knew how stressed tai had been as they approached their regional game, so she suggested that they do something fun, just the two of them, to try and take the edge off. tai volunteered her house immediately. she didn’t exactly know the situation with van’s mom, but she knew enough to understand that van would let her in on that side of her life only when she was ready to. and that was alright. tai didn’t mind.
she spent the hour before van arrived frantically attempting to clean up the already near-pristine house. she wasn’t usually one for nervous energy, but for some reason she couldn’t seem to sit still for more than a minute or two. she told herself she needed to relax. it was just van. there was no pressure.
was there?
van loved movies more than almost anything, so tai made a bowl of popcorn and sat down on the couch to wait. her knee was bouncing. why were her hands sweating? they never sweat, not even during games. jesus, she needed to-
the doorbell yanked her out of her stupor by her hair, and she quickly ran to the door. she pulled her jean skirt down to make sure it was covering her thighs, fixed her hair, checked her lip gloss in the hallway mirror, and opened the door.
van was dressed like van always dressed - simple but cool. today, she was wearing a t-shirt for some band called “the cranberries” that tai had never heard of, on top of a pair of cargo pants and some beat up black chucks. her hair was in a braid that trailed over her right shoulder. she wasn’t wearing any makeup - tai knew she hated it, and only wore it when she felt like it was expected of her.
van smiled and held up her tote bag. “i brought options.”
tai relaxed immediately, forcing herself to stop staring. “did you, now?”
“yes.” van kicked off her shoes and sat right down on the floor, dumping her tapes into a pile in front of her. “so we’ve got some of the recent greats, of course - jurassic park, clueless, pulp fiction - but then I grabbed star wars because I didn’t know if maybe you were a sci-fi person? i like everything, but I know not everybody does. and there are so many great movies that are older - like, i have some amazing hitchcock tapes that nat and i have probably watched a hundred times, and I don’t know if you’ve heard of tennessee williams-“
“oh my god.” tai couldn’t help but laugh. “you are such a nerd.”
“fuck off.” she was smiling too.
“i’ll watch whatever you want to show me. i don’t get a lot of exposure to this sort of thing.”
“you mean… movies?” van stared at her. “please tell me you’ve seen at least one of these.”
tai shook her head.
“taissa turner! not even star wars?”
“it’s awful, i know. my parents aren’t movie people!”
van shook her head violently. “nope. i can fix you, don’t worry. you’ll be a tough case, but i’m up to the challenge.”
they started with pulp fiction. it was a pretty quiet watch - tai wasn’t sure what van’s policies were when it came to talking during movies. they curled up on the couch with the popcorn, a safe two inches of space between them. van was absolutely transfixed, and as much as tai genuinely enjoyed the movie, she spent most of it just watching van. she had the most expressive face tai had ever seen. it was honestly kind of impressive - van was good at masking, but when her guard was down, you could read her like she was your first language. when she laughed, the right side of her mouth quirked up further than the left, making her face appear lopsided. it was kind of adorable.
towards the end of the movie, tai could feel van’s eyes on her. she looked over at her friend, whose eyes were fixed firmly on her legs. as soon as she noticed tai’s gaze, she whipped her head back to the tv, her face flushed pink. tai glanced down and felt herself flush even more deeply. her skirt had ridden almost all the way up her thigh.
when it was over, they talked about the movie - what they both liked, what they didn’t, their favorite scenes and characters. usually, watching movies with the girls, tai would also be forced to talk about the men in the movie she’d most like to fuck. she and van managed to steer entirely clear of the subject.
when she walked van to the door, the other girl gave her a big hug. “thanks for doing this. it was really fun.”
“it so was. we should do it again sometime.”
“absolutely.”
“sometime” turned into every day for the next three weeks. van met tai’s parents, and as soon as they learned how smart she was, they eased up on taissa about spending time with a friend instead of spending extra time studying. van loved her parents, and would often have lengthy conversations with one or both of them before she and tai slipped away to the living room or tai’s bedroom to watch their movie of the night.
it started out simple. tai loved star wars, and they watched every single one twice. each time, they got a little more comfortable talking to each other, and sharing a blanket on the couch. when they watched the empire strikes back, van started a popcorn fight that ended with both of them in giggling hysterics on the rug. it was so easy with van. she made joy feel tangible, like something you could see and touch. tai found herself at her absolute happiest when van was with her.
then van started to experiment more with movies. they hate watched clueless, both of them spending the two hours complaining about their own high school and how badly this movie portrayed it all. they watched jurassic park, and tai got so scared that van spent about half the movie with her arms wrapped around her. they watched some like it hot, where marilyn monroe’s bare breasts had tai so transfixed that she burned the popcorn refill.
then they watched cat on a hot tin roof, a movie van identified as a favorite, and tai couldn’t stop thinking about it for a week afterward.
on that particular night, when van hugged her goodbye, she lingered a little longer than usual, her face buried in tai’s neck. tai thought about brick from the movie, about what his story symbolized and how it was all so… raw. she pressed van closer to her, and when they pulled apart, their faces were so close together that tai almost sprinted back up the stairs.
that night, after van left, she wrapped her blankets tightly around her, squeezed her eyes closed, and prayed to the god her parents had spent years trying to convince her was real.
i am not gay. i am not gay. i am not gay.
…
the first time tai kissed van, she didn’t see it coming. it was their last practice before their big regional tournament, and since coach martinez, as usual, was out of town for a wedding, they were left with coach scott, who wasn’t particularly thrilled with how horribly they were all playing.
“we cannot look like that on saturday. we just can’t. it isn’t an option.” he said it matter-of-factly, straight forward as he always was. “i know you can do better than that. i’ve seen it countless times. for christ’s sake, i saw it two days ago!”
“never take the lord’s name in vain, coach scott,” laura lee reminded him gently, crossing herself.
coach looked like he wanted to roll his eyes so far back they fell out of his head. “you’re right. i apologize, laura lee. but my sentiment remains the same. you guys were barely listening to each other during the scrimmage today. lottie, if you had just passed to shauna, that goal would have been an easy point. shauna, if you and tai had played as partners instead of trying to beat each other out, you would have had some really killer plays. van, it was like you weren’t even watching the players on the field until they were five feet in front of you!”
van looked up at the ceiling and willed herself not to cry or kick something. she already knew she’d played like ass, but it hurt to hear it out loud from a coach she respected as much as she respected ben scott.
“he’s right,” jackie said. she was leaning against the lockers with her arms crossed, sliding her heart necklace up and down its chain absentmindedly. “we’re better than this. and i know you all know that. we’re good enough to win on saturday if we can get our shit together and play like a team.” she took the time to look each of them in the eye, and there was no malice at all in her gaze - just love and respect. “we’re an incredible team, and we always have been. so everybody go home and get some real sleep tonight. use tomorrow to rest, and use it to get your heads in the game. we’re going to kick all kinds of ass at regionals. i believe that, because i believe in you guys. i believe in us. and whether i’ve known you for five weeks or five years or longer, you’re my family, and family never gives up on each other.”
she looked at van as she said that last part and smiled warmly. van grinned back at her, but there was a twinge in her chest that she kept trying so, so hard not to feel.
family never gives up on each other. if only jackie knew.
everyone clapped for jackie, and coach dismissed them, allowing them to dissolve into their usual dialogue and routine of packing up and heading home. van tried to cling onto the light feeling jackie had brought into the room, but she couldn’t help but stay frustrated with herself. this was what she was supposed to be good at.
she didn’t even bother to throw a regular t shirt back on, opting to stay in her tank top and uniform shorts. she’d wash everything when she got home. nat walked by and punched her lightly on the arm, kissing her on the cheek before she left. “see you tomorrow?”
“always. walk me to school?”
“you know it.” nat waved goodbye over her shoulder and joined lottie at the door. their fingers brushed against each other, and van smiled. she wanted this for her best friend, she really did.
she also wanted it for herself, but she didn’t think that was ever going to happen.
after a couple months, van had the unfortunate realization that taissa was not just a half-conscious daydream that she could easily brush off. she was in deep for this girl, and it was killing her on the inside. when they weren’t together, van was imagining that they were, imagining tai beside her in her twin bed, imagining her laughter drowning out the sound of her mother’s dry heaving, imagining their lips pressed together, their bodies slotted together to fit on the small mattress. sometimes she imagined tai’s hands, the things she might do with them. van’s brain had never been one to let her get off easily, but the thought of tai’s hand between her legs made her wonder if all it would take for her to come apart was the right person.
other times, when she was calmer, van imagined them on dates. going to real movie theaters, kissing in the back row while the heterosexual leading couple had really ugly sex onscreen. maybe going on picnics, or driving around aimlessly after practice listening to bands neither of them knew. she imagined her sleepovers with natalie, how giddy they’d be talking about their girls. she imagined it all feeling so simple.
and then tai walked into the locker room from the showers, carefully avoiding her, and van watched all of her imagined scenarios burn to the ground. it was never going to happen. not for them. even if tai did like girls, which van was seeing as increasingly unlikely, tai buried everything so deep that it was doubtful she’d ever be willing to face feelings like that.
she felt the betrayal of a tear escaping down her face, and she felt tai notice it, because of course she would. tai noticed everything.
“you ok?” tai sat down on the bench, keeping a careful distance but speaking to her directly.
van decided she’d go with the easy way out. “practice was hard.”
“that’s for sure. but it was just a practice. you’ll play great on saturday, you know that.”
“i don’t know.” van squeezed her eyes shut. “this is my thing, you know? the thing that makes me worth something. i don’t know what i’d do if I was bad at it.”
“what do you mean?”
van never intended to breathe a word of her family’s history to this girl, but for some reason it all came spilling out. “my mom’s a drunk. a bad one. we live in the same park as nat. i’ve spent the last decade taking care of her and trying to make sure she doesn’t die or kill herself or whatever the fuck. i can never really help her. i’m useless at home. i’m so fucking useless. i mean something here. i can actually help people.”
tai shook her head, her demeanor unchanged, seemingly oblivious to the fact that what van just told her was her darkest, most closely held secret. “you’re not useless. and you’re not just a good soccer player, you’re the best teammate any of us has ever had. i mean, fuck, do you not see that? these m girls love you, and they love you hard. you fit in here so fucking easily.” she paused. “i’ve never been able to do that.” the words hung in the air between them, both of their deepest insecurities now out in the open.
“you’re a great teammate, tai,” van said softly. “you just don’t believe that you are. it holds you back, prevents you from getting as close to these girls as it seems like you want to.”
tai sniffed. “i really, really do.”
“then maybe start giving yourself some more credit. find things about yourself to like. i can think of plenty.”
shit. she hadn’t meant to say that one.
but tai didn’t seem bothered. strangely, she had shifted closer to van, their faces now only about a foot apart.
“you are worth so much more than this sport, van,” tai whispered. “you’re worth everything.”
van couldn’t do it. she just couldn’t.
“i have to go home, tai.” she tried to stand, but tai grabbed her wrist.
“why are you shutting me out? you’re the most honest person i’ve ever met, why now can you barely say two words to me when we see each other at school or at practice or-“
“why?” van could feel anger burning in the corners of her eyes. “why you, taissa? why do you never want to be near me, or be seen with me, or even talk to me when we’re not at your house? when we’re here you act like i barely even exist.”
tai looked at the floor. she seemed almost ashamed. “i’m sorry.”
van blinked. “you are?”
“yeah. i’m letting my own fucking fear get in the way of… i don’t know. whatever we are.”
“we…” van stared at her. “we’re friends, tai, what else would we be?”
it was a challenge, not a question, and they both knew it. two swallowed hard, and it drew van’s eyes to the lines of her neck, the way it swooped outward to form gentle, muscular shoulders. tai was staring at her too - at her mouth, dry as it was.
before van even knew what was happening, tai had kissed her quickly. barely a brush of lips. she stared at van, and van could tell that she had about five seconds to react before tai bolted and never brought this up again.
she took tai’s hand. “wait… so you…”
“i have no fucking idea.” tai wasn’t looking at her anymore. “i just can’t stop thinking about you, and i don’t know what any of this means, and i don’t even know if you like girls, jesus, and i probably just ruined the best thing i’ve ever had but van… fuck, i like you so much it hurts sometimes.” she looks like she’s fighting back tears. “i’ve never felt this way about anyone.”
van smiled. “neither have i.”
it took her a second, but when the words hit, tai openly gaped at her. “van-“
“kiss me again.”
“what?”
“you were scared the first time. it wasn’t a real kiss. if you really want to kiss me, do it right.”
tai’s face was pale, and for a second van thought she really would try to run. but instead she just cupped van’s face in her free hand, leaned in slowly, and kissed her for real. it was like van had been struck by lightning. suddenly she could feel everything she’d spent the last two months trying not to feel. taissa was beautiful, and van let herself enjoy it, tangling her fingers in the other girl’s hair and inching their bodies closer and closer together. van’s lips parted ever so slightly, and tai took the hint, sliding her tongue into her mouth. van sighed, burying her face in tai’s as much as she could, wishing tai could swallow her whole. to her surprise, tai leaned down to grab one of van’s legs and swing it up over her own so that van was sitting on her lap, legs hanging over the back of the bench. something clenched tightly in van’s gut, and this time she let a quiet moan escape her lips as tai trailed kisses down her jaw. “fuck, you’re good at this.”
“what can i say? turns out girls are more fun.” stress and fear clearly forgotten, tai grinned and kissed her neck. she looked up at van with a question in her eyes. “can i…”
“i know how to use concealer.” van blushed, and so did tai, before sucking harder on her neck, peppering van’s skin with pale bruises.
tai’s hands made their way down van’s sides, one sliding up under her shirt and the other making its way down to grip her ass. “is this ok?” she breathed into van’s ear, and van was so distracted by how hot this all was that she just nodded. tai didn’t go further than stroking the curves of van’s stomach. she didn’t go much further at all. they’d have time for that. instead, she finally stopped kissing her and just took van in, and realized that her smile, the one that had drawn tai in so immediately on the day they met, wasn’t boyish at all. tai had been seeing what she wanted to see, what she felt was more right. if she thought van looked like a boy, it would be easier to get away with calling her beautiful, if only inside her own head. but the closer they got, the more tai could see just how much of a girl van really was. her skin was soft, her lips felt familiar, her body was curved and imperfect and everything tai had ever wanted.
“so, i think i might be gay,” she whispered, and van burst out laughing.
“really? i thought us making out was just a regular straight girl thursday for you?”
“shut the hell up,” tai laughed, kissing van again. “so.”
“so.”
“what are we?”
this time, van kissed her. “i have no idea. but i think it’s safe to say that that one definitely qualified as a real kiss.”
…
the first time they went on a real date, it was to see a drive in screening of star wars: a new hope. the theater near van’s place never showed anything new, but they loved anything sci fi, and tended to show these movies whenever they could get away with it.
tai picked van up at seven o’clock. the deal had been tai would provide the car and van would provide the snacks. tai had absolutely no idea what was appropriate to wear on a first date with the most beautiful girl in the entire world, so she decided on a simple black tank that showed off the little cleavage she had, and a pair of comfortable jeans she’d always loved. she put on heeled boots, too, although she wasn’t quite sure why, considering they’d be sitting for the entire date. still, when she picked van up from nat’s trailer, she felt a little more sure of herself with the extra height.
van, of course, looked perfect, boasting flannel over a cropped tank and oversized jeans. her hair was up in a messy bun. as usual, tai envied how effortlessly herself can always managed to look.
“hey you.” van grinned.
“hey you.” tai took her hand and raised it to her lips, kissing her knuckles gently. “ready to go?”
“yep, i just sent nat back in to grab the snack bag.”
as if on cue, natalie appeared behind van, a tote bag slung over one shoulder. “hey, taissa.” her eyes were bright and focused - clean, tai thought. it was a nice thing to see on a weekend. “i hear you guys are off to the movies?”
“sure are. star wars.”
“killer.” nat clapped van on the back. “are you home tonight or coming back here?”
“it depends on what time i’m back, but probably home? if it’s after eleven and my mom’s being too much i’ll just knock on your window.”
“sounds perfect.” nat gave her a quick one-armed hug and passed off the bag before disappearing back inside, leaving the two girls alone on her front steps.
“i think this is the part where you walk me down to your car and open my doors for me because i’m too weak to do it myself.”
tai couldn’t help but laugh as all the tension drained from the air. “is it, now?”
“yep. in fact, you might just want to carry me to the car. i’m probably too weak to walk.”
in the car, tai offered to let van pick the music, but van insisted that she wanted to get more of tai’s tastes. this would become a pattern with them - van picked the movies, tai picked the music. it allowed them each an easy outlet to share the art that meant the most to them with the other.
driving through wiskayok at night had always felt a little bit eerie to tai. there was something vaguely sinister about the new jersey town - like it was almost too normal, too suburb, too nineties housewife. it had always felt like a trap to tai. she knew van felt the exact same way. there wasn’t a future taissa could imagine for herself that involved her staying in wiskayok past high school, and she liked it that way. she liked the freedom of viewing her home as temporary. it made it feel more alive to her.
van’s legs were spread wide in the passenger seat, her red hair floating around her face in the gentle wind from the cracked window. her eyes were closed, and her foot was tapping along to the beat of the green day song. her arms were behind her head, her whole body entirely relaxed. van took up so much space when she was comfortable. it was one of taissa’s favorite things about her.
at the drive-in, the girls sat in the trunk of tai’s car, bundled up in blankets and eating the popcorn and chocolate van had provided every now and then, van would lean over and kiss tai on the cheek, sending butterflies flying through tai’s entire body. at one point they started to kiss for real, but tai pushed her away, because they had just gotten to the good part, and didn’t van know how much she loved this movie? van just smiled and laced their fingers together, kissing the back of her hand and resting her head on tai’s shoulder. they didn’t move for the rest of the movie.
tai kissed her when she dropped van back off at the lot, and marveled at the fact that this girl was all hers as van disappeared into the night.
…
the first time they had sex was messy and silly.
tai’s parents were out of town for the weekend, and van was sleeping over for two nights. tai had made her bed more neatly than she usually did, and had even brought her never-used-even-once vibrator out of the back of her closet, in case she and van found a fun use for it. she put on her favorite bra, and left her hair down, knowing her girlfriend liked it that way.
it took them all of about thirty minutes after van’s arrival to be toppling into tai’s bed, shirts already off, tai’s bra half undone, her hand down the front of van’s shorts. they were incredibly awkward at first, both too self conscious to undress further than this, and van too self conscious about her medicated, fucked up hormones to believe that she was going to be good enough to please tai. after about seven minutes of tai fingering her seriously well for a first timer, van was only just starting to get worked up. she was furiously embarrassed by her own body and brain, and didn’t want to waste taissa’s time when she probably wanted van to fuck her too. so she did the only thing she could think of to do - she forced her breathing to speed up and her voice to get louder, and she tried to fake it.
tai didn’t fall for it.
“i’m sorry,” van whispered, her face still buried in tai’s neck. “I just don’t want you to get bored.”
“bored?” tai pushed a strand of red hair out of van’s eyes. “van, I would sit here kissing you for three days straight if that’s what it took to get you off. just because it’s hard to get your brain in the game doesn’t mean you don’t deserve pleasure and care.”
she had honestly thought she might cry, but van felt herself start to smile. “you really mean that?”
“i do. and it’s not like i’m not nervous - i feel like i might have a panic attack when you take off my bra.”
“i won’t if you don’t want me to.”
“i never said that.” tai kissed her hard on the mouth, yanking gently at the hair at the nape of van’s neck and eliciting a gasp from her. tai’s fingers found the band of her sports bra, and van nodded slowly, guiding tai’s fingers as she yanked the fabric up and over her head. van unsnapped the last remaining clasp of tai’s bra, and they both took a moment to drink in the sight of one another, finally succumbing to the hunger they’d been doing everything in their power to suppress for months. van didn’t know if it was possible for a person to be more beautiful than this.
“shit, tai,” she breathed. tai’s face was flushed, her eyes trailing slowly down van’s body. “your body… remind me how people even find men attractive?”
tai laughed lightly, but her eyes were still devouring van’s figure. “you’re the only person in the world to me, you know.”
“back at you, turner.” van tried to sound casual, but her voice was shaking with want and care for the beautiful girl lying beside her.
she gasped suddenly when tai’s hand slid into the front of her pants. “say my name, van.”
“what?”
tai’s fingers connected with something van couldn’t quite identify, but the sensation made her cry out. “don’t call me turner. if you want me, say my name.”
again, her fingers curled, pulling gently at the thick hair between van’s thighs, and van swore she could see stars. “taissa, please.”
“what? use your words.”
“please fuck me,” she gasped, and for the first time, she felt completely lost at the hands of this girl. she wasn’t sure her limbs would move by themselves even if she tried. all it took was the flick of a finger and tai had her crumbling into dust.
“say it again, baby.” tai’s fingers trailed down van’s cunt absentmindedly, dangerously close to pushing inside of her. “say my name and you can have whatever you want.”
“you’re pretty cocky for a newly out virgin,” van panted.
tai’s face faltered. “i’m sorry, was i being too weird?”
“no, no, oh my god. i was just teasing, i promise. this is so fucking sexy tai.”
tai’s shoulders relaxed, and she blushed furiously. “can i tell you a really fucked secret?”
“you’d better.”
“sometimes when i… when i touch my… you know, when i get myself off-“
“oh my god, taissa turner masturbates? stop the presses! this is worthy of a national headline! we might need to break up after this one.”
tai giggles. “shut the fuck up, like you don’t.”
van’s stomach sinks. “well… sort of. i dabble.”
tai doesn’t look at her strangely. “brain makes it hard?”
“as always.”
“well, for the record, no judgement here - i bought that vibrator months ago and i haven’t used it because i was scared that actually using it would mean…” she trailed off.
van sat up, pressing a kiss to tai’s shoulder. “it would mean what?”
“it’s stupid.”
“i don’t care.”
“i felt like letting myself… i don’t know, do more than just fumble around with my fingers in the dark, would mean i was really gay.”
van nodded slowly. “and you didn’t want that.”
“of course i wanted it.” tai took both of her hands. “i just didn’t want to confront it. why do you think it took me so goddamn long to kiss you?”
“how long had you wanted to?”
tai looked away. “honestly? since the day we fucking met.”
“really?”
“i mean, i didn’t know it at the time. but yeah.”
van felt her heart flutter just a little bit faster. “to be honest, i thought you hated me.”
“i did. and yeah it was partly because you saw me so fucking easily. but also… shit, van, just look at yourself.”
van rolled her eyes. “i’m not much to look at.”
“stop it right now.” tai kissed her neck. “you.” her breast. “are so.” her shoulder. “fucking.” her jaw. “beautiful.” her forehead. “and the secret is that you’re so beautiful that sometimes when i’m fucking my hand at night, i close my eyes and imagine that it’s you.”
van’s heart stopped. “really?”
tai paled again. “fuck, i’m sorry, that’s probably so gross. jesus christ, i don’t know why i said that.”
“taissa.” van kissed her, interrupting her rambling thoughts. “it’s not weird. i literally had a dream a week ago that you handcuffed me to your bed.”
tai’s eyebrows shot up. “did you?”
“mhm.” van traced the outlines of tai’s breasts one at a time. “all i’m saying is - if you want to fuck me so badly, why are my pants still on?”
tai’s lips curled into an almost menacing smile, and she practically dove at van, using her teeth to work van’s sweats first off of one of her hips, then the other. van’s boxers went with them, so when tai finally used her hands to work the pants off of van’s ankles, she was completely exposed. as tai straddled her, van unbuttoned tai’s jeans, letting her slip them the rest of the way off. both girls did everything in their power to fight past their insecurities as their bodies slid together, and tai’s fingers finally slipped inside van.
van gasped, bucking her hips up against tai’s hand. tai wrapped her legs around van’s thigh and ground down, watching van’s face break into shattered pieces as she fucked her. van wasn’t sure any part of her body was still in sync with her mind - all she could feel was tai’s hand doing whatever the hell tai was doing with it. the only thing she was conscious of when she finally came was how beautiful tai’s face looked above her.
when it was over, they watched stupid rom coms naked in tai’s bed, and ate takeout pizza from the shitty diner down the street. they talked about a lot of things. they also glossed over a lot of things. but there would be time for all that. they were going to have so much time.
…
the last time tai and van spoke before the plane took off, it was six in the morning and tai hadn’t had her coffee yet. she was grumpy and hungry and really wasn’t looking forward to this flight, because she knew that mari was going to start some stupid game of truth or truth or laura lee would try to get them all singing worship songs together. on top of it all, she’d never been away from her parents for more than a few days at a time, and though she’d never admit it, she was a little bit scared of the separation. she just wanted to go back to bed.
she considered calling van, but given how hard it was for van to get to school on a regular day, she didn’t want to interrupt whatever fight she was probably in the middle of with her mom.
as if on cue, the landline started ringing, and tai yelled “dad, can you get that? i still have to get my bag downstairs.”
“on it.” tai couldn’t help but smile as she listened to his usual opening line. “turner residence, how may i direct your call?”
as she hauled her bag downstairs, she heard her dad saying, “yes, but she’s getting ready to leave.” there was a pause, and then, “for you? i’m sure she could be persuaded.” she heard him set the phone back on the hook and call out, “taissa, it’s for you!”
tai grinned, knowing immediately who it was. over the next two years, she and van would spend a lot of time wondering if tai’s parents saw through their act. they’d spend a lot of time pretending to play out how that conversation might have gone, if they’d been given the privilege of really having it. by the time they returned home, they’d be clinging so hard to each other that tai’s parents would end up just asking them straight up within a month of the girls’ rescue.
tai slid her suitcase into a corner so nobody would trip on it and practically sprinted to the phone.
“tai?”
her entire body relaxed. “van. what’s going on? are you ok?”
“yeah, i’m fine. i just… look i know you’ve never been over here before, and it’s probably really out of your way, but my mom is completely fucked out of her mind, and i’m worried about leaving her with no car, and i don’t want to miss the plane-“
“i’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“i haven’t even given you an address.”
tai was already sliding her coat on with one arm, the phone pressed into her shoulder. “you’re near natalie, right? i know the way, don’t worry.”
“so you know it’s not going to be… anything fancy, right? my home?”
tai’s mouth fell open. “van. do i sound like i give a fuck?”
“i guess not.”
“good. then get your bags together, and i’ll see you in twenty.”
after saying goodbye to her parents, tai was there in eighteen minutes, despite only speeding when it was appropriate. she pulled into the lot and smiled when she was waved down by van, parking her car and practically skipping up the steps of van’s trailer.
“where’s your mom?”
“walked down the block for a beer, she won’t be back for a while.”
“good.” tai pushed her inside and pressed her against the wall, kissing her hard on the mouth. van breathed a sigh of relief into tai’s mouth that made her a little dizzy. after about five minutes of giggling and getting their fill of each other, tai finally looked around the small living room, taking in the bare walls and the haphazard furniture. when van opened her mouth to speak, tai put a finger against her lips. “don’t.”
“you don’t even know what i was going to say.”
“sure i do. you were going to apologize for living in a smaller house than mine, because you assume that it’s not good enough for me.”
“that… ok, fine, that is exactly what i was going to say.”
“van…” tai took her hand and squeezed it gently. “can i see your room?”
“it’s not…”
tai cut her off with a look before she could say ‘much.’ “it’s your room. i want to see it.”
“do we have time?”
“plane doesn’t even get in for another hour. we’ve got plenty of time. stop making excuses and let me see.”
van rolled her eyes, trying to cover her shame, but they both knew tai could see through it.
van’s room really wasn’t much. the bed took up most of the space, big and comfortable and overflowing with blankets and stuffed toys. there were two doors to a closet and a bathroom set into one wall, and a desk and bookshelf shoved haphazardly into another. tubs of tapes peeked out from under the bed, but van’s love of media was plastered all over the walls. if you looked closely, you’d be able to see that the chipping paint underneath was a hideous shade of green, but practically every available inch of space was covered with a poster or a photograph.
tai grinned. “i love it.”
“no you don’t.”
“i do. it’s so you.” tai kissed her again, then pulled away to a safe distance. “i’d start making out with you right now, but then i’d feel compelled to fuck you on this bed and unfortunately we really do not have time. also, i’m not sure your stuffed animals could handle that.”
“who do you think would be more traumatized - our stuffed animals, or coach ben last weekend?”
“oh my god”. tai covered her mouth with her fist, but was unable to suppress the laughter that bubbled up. “his poor, innocent eyes.”
“did you notice that he seemed, like, not at all into the fact that he was watching two girls fuck? you’d think a guy in his position would find us kind of hot.”
“maybe he’s gay. regardless, i’m just glad that he doesn’t seem particularly interested in telling anyone.”
“me too.” van wrapped an arm around tai’s waist. “i do want to, you know. tell people. eventually.”
“i do too. but not right now.”
“no, not right now.” van nestled her head into tai’s neck. “but the girls… something just tells me they wouldn’t care.”
“i really hope you’re right.” tai shivered a little. the thought had certainly crossed her mind, but she’d been doing a pretty great job at ignoring it thus far. the idea of anyone other than van knowing that they were together was maybe the single most terrifying thought that could cross her mind. “do you mind if we table this discussion for after we win nationals?”
van smiled. “of course i don’t mind.” she tilted tai’s chin down towards her and kissed her softly. “i’m willing to wait for you, tai. i promise. i always will be.”
there was still so much they hadn’t said to each other. little miscommunications they hadn’t quite worked out, quirks they hadn’t discovered, memories they hadn’t shared, fights they hadn’t had. there was so much ahead of them in their relationship, and that thought made both of them giddy. neither of the girls had ever had something that felt so intrinsically permanent, something they were watching take root and evolve in real time. something that was starting to look an awful lot like love.
there was so much they hadn’t talked about. but they had so much time.
…
the first time van palmer saw taissa turner after the yellowjackets’ plane went down, she thought she was seeing an angel.
the first time taissa turner saw van palmer after the crash, she realized she was in love with her.