Chapter Text
EXT. ABANDONED SKETCHY STRIPMALL - NIGHT
WIDE ANGLE of out of focus figures engaged in hand to hand combat, backlit by streetlights and fluorescent lights from the empty building behind them. CAMERA 1 ZOOMS IN and FOCUSES, revealing NANDOR and GUILLERMO, dressed in black head to toe in what could be described as half-assed tactical gear, scuffling with THREE COMBATANTS. Unseen, GREG mans the camera.
COMBATANT 1
(stopping, pointing to camera)
What's that?
Guillermo whips around and spots the camera.
GUILLERMO
Greg? What the heck?
Guillermo jogs over, a smile growing on him. He pulls off his beanie and fiddles with it. There's a small but noticeable gray streak in his hair sprouting off-center from his forehead into his bangs, and sparser gray throughout his ungelled curls.
GUILLERMO
(panting)
Hey! Long time no see! I mean, what are you guys doing?
Nandor continues to fight in the background.
NANDOR
(shouting)
They're here for a retro-respective!
GUILLERMO
You knew they were coming? Why doesn't anyone tell me anything?
Nandor kills COMBATANT 1.
NANDOR
(still shouting)
Barry said you were supposed to be here in January? It's August!
GREG (O.S.)
We had some scheduling conflicts.
Guillermo nods in understanding and looks over his shoulder at Nandor.
GUILLERMO
Oh, so now he can remember what month it is.
Nandor EATS the man he killed. The other two men run off, screaming.
NANDOR
(dropping the man)
Guillermo, get back here! Now we have to catch them!
GUILLERMO
Do it yourself, it's only two guys!
(to CAMERA 1)
So, what now? Is this an every day kind of thing or are you just dropping by for the month?
Guillermo notices a CREW MEMBER'S judgmental face behind the camera.
GUILLERMO
Oh, no, he's eating criminals -- or, you know. They're drug dealers, I think. I don't remember. We're trying to be more ethical, you remember that, right?
NANDOR
Guillermo, look out!
COMBATANT 2 sprints up behind Guillermo with a lead pipe in hand. Guillermo spins around, but is too late and the man knocks him across the side of his head with it. COMBATANT 2 flees. Guillermo buckles and curls up on the ground, and CAMERA 1 FOLLOWS his fall. PAN back up to Nandor, who strides over.
Nandor, face covered in blood, throws his hands up in the air.
NANDOR
Agh, fucking guy!
NANDOR
(to camera)
Can you put him in the truck and take him home? I have to clean up out here.
Nandor gestures towards the ground. CAMERA 1 PANS back down to Guillermo, who groans, unmoving.
GUILLERMO
Hospital. Not home.
Nandor smacks his teeth as he trudges away.
NANDOR (O.S.)
Leaving me with the dirty work like he always does.
OPENING CREDITS
INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
NADJA AND LASZLO TALKING HEAD - LIBRARY
NADJA
How are things here? Fine, I suppose. It could be worse.
LASZLO
I am to embark on my most ambitious project to date.
NADJA rolls her eyes.
NADJA
Well, it's true.
LASLO
It took me centuries to reanimate human life, as you may recall. But it is an even greater Herculean task to redeem my besmirched sexual reputation.
NADJA
We hosted a bit of a blunder of an orgy six or seven decades ago.
LASZLO
Barely a decade ago, my darling.
NADJA
Was it really? The memory is so painful, I have repressed it deeply.
LASZLO
And I will do whatever it takes to make it up to you, my sweet.
Nadja pulls a face and shrugs.
NADJA
Preparation can be intense. A hassle.
LASZLO
It could take months. Years, even.
INSERT CLIP of Nadja and LASZLO in the CELLAR unpacking various sex toys from a box. Nadja, smiling, waves a CENSORED obsidian dildo at the camera.
NADJA (V.O)
So that's what we've been up to. I can't say I'm complaining, but I'm not not complaining.
INSERT CLIP of Laszlo holding up a modest PLAYBOY magazine to Nadja, who stares into the camera with a dead expression.
NADJA
Time will tell.
INT. HOSPITAL E.R. - LATER - NIGHT
CAMERA is positioned outside of the curtained-off triage area, looking in through a gap in the curtain. Guillermo scrolls on his phone in the hospital bed, and Nandor sits next to him while reading a pamphlet about STDS upside down. Two MALE DOCTORS (NICE DOCTOR played by DONALD GLOVER and ASSHOLE DOCTOR played by DANNY PUDI) pull back the curtain and ENTER.
NICE DOCTOR
Well, miraculously, you don't have a concussion.
NANDOR
(smiling)
He's a tough cookie.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
Yeah, well, hold the parade.
(to Guillermo)
How do I put this... your health is in the gutter. And the gutter is clogged with that lime green toxic waste that turned the Joker into the Joker.
Guillermo and Nandor's hopeful expressions collapse.
NICE DOCTOR
I thought it was purple toxic waste, not green.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
I'm pretty sure it's green. The Joker's hair is green.
NICE DOCTOR
Yeah, but his smile is purple.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
Purple? It's not purple, why would his smile be purple?.
Guillermo stares up at them in disbelief.
GUILLERMO
What?
NICE DOCTOR
(refocusing)
It's not uncommon for men in your position to be nutrient deficient.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
Deficient? All your vitals are off. Your vitamin D levels are below the bar, and the bar is in hell. Let me guess, you live off of Red Bulls? You ever make it out of mommy's basement every once in a while?
NANDOR
Actually, he lives in my attic. Not his mother's basement.
Guillermo shoots Nandor a look, and the doctors exchange confused glances. Asshole Doctor notices CAMERA 1 through the curtain and scrunches his brows together, confused.
NICE DOCTOR
Look, Mr. De la Cruz, do you get enough sleep?
GUILLERMO
Well... yeah, I'll have to say no to that. So no.
NICE DOCTOR
Do you get enough sunlight?
Nandor and Guillermo wince and shake their heads "no".
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
How's your nutritional intake? Do you take any vitamins? Supplements?
Nandor nods fervently and Guillermo shakes his head "no". Nandor notices Guillermo and shakes his head as well.
NICE DOCTOR
Who is your PCP? Your blood pressure is worrisome. Would you say you struggle with anxiety?
INSERT CLIPS of Guillermo running and screaming in the woods in S1 E7, running for his life from the vampire family in S2 E4, and screaming in the library in S4 E6.
Nandor shakes his head: "no, he doesn't have anxiety".
GUILLERMO
You could probably say that, about the anxiety, if you wanted to. Like, in your professional opinion, maybe.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
You need to get real chill, real quick bud.
NICE DOCTOR
(whispering)
Do you willingly live in his attic?
Guillermo looks at CAMERA 1.
GUILLERMO
Yes, it's just the third floor of our house. We're roommates.
Nice Doctor nods in understanding and notes something on his clipboard.
GUILLERMO
You know, about that sleep thing, it isn't just my, uhm, weird work schedule. For a few years now I've been struggling with really intense insomnia? And reoccurring nightmares where I'm, like, a French aristocrat getting beheaded or something?
Nice Doctor nods even more sincerely than before somehow and scribbles faster on his clipboard.
Nandor's gaze fixates on Guillermo's gray streak while he complains about his nightmares.
GUILLERMO
It feels so real, like my head is being sliced clean off --
Nandor rises from his seat to speak to Asshole Doctor, interrupting Guillermo.
NANDOR
But he will live a normal human life span? 150 years?
Guillermo frowns up at Nandor.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
I'm not sure what planet you're from pal, but your... whatever he is here is looking at an early grave.
NANDOR
110 years...?
NICE DOCTOR
Sir, I need you to be realistic. Mr. De la Cruz may only live to fifty... fifty-nine, or sixty-nine years old at best if he keeps up his evidentially stressful lifestyle. That's a lot closer than it feels right now.
ASSHOLE DOCTOR
(snorting)
Ha! Sixty-nine. I just noticed that.
It's Asshole Doctor's turn to jot down a note. Guillermo buries his head in his hands and suppresses an annoyed groan. Nandor gapes at the doctors in horror. The doctors consult their clipboards. Nandor leans down near Guillermo's ear.
NANDOR
(whispering)
Can I eat the loud one?
GUILLERMO
(whispering back)
Are you crazy? It takes way too long to become a doctor. I don't want to contribute to the world wide medical shortage.
NICE DOCTOR
I'm going to prescribe you 50,000 IUs of vitamin D to take weekly, for starters. When is the last time you saw a psychiatrist? I say we skip the Zoloft and go straight for beta blockers...
Nice Doctor trails off. Guillermo stares into the camera with worry.
INT. FOYER - DAY
COLIN ROBINSON TALKING HEAD - FOYER
As COLIN speaks, INTERCUT with footage of Laszlo and Nadja planning and arguing over a pile of boxes in THE MUSIC ROOM and Guillermo and Nandor planning and arguing over a large map of Manhattan spread out across Nandor's coffin in NANDOR'S CRYPT.
COLIN
You know how it's been, it's all domestic bliss in this household. Bliss for thee, not for me. Laszlo and Nadja have got their party to plan, and Nandor and Gizmo are always off doing whatever the hell it is they're doing, and -- I don't know. I'm sorry, I don't get it. What's the point of the "retrospective"? It's barely been a year.
CAMERA CREW mumble something unheard to the viewers O.S., but Colin hears them and leans forward in his seat.
COLIN
(in disbelief)
You haven't even finished editing the second season?
CAMERA CREW (O.S.)
(clear and audible)
Just tell us what you've been up to.
Colin settles back into the chair.
COLIN
Well, I mean, I have had a lot on my mind lately. It's funny you should ask. I've been thinking about the Energy Vampire Council.
ROLL FOOTAGE of Colin and EVIE at the Council from S5 E4.
COLIN (V.O)
That night, years ago when the Council kidnapped me, I lost something very precious to me.
ROLL CLIPS of Evie shouting and fake crying. ROLL FOOTAGE of Colin and Evie getting shoved into the truck with sacks over their heads by the Energy Vampire Council.
COLIN (V.O.)
My favorite fountain pen.
CAMERA PANS DOWN to the concrete, where a small black pen has landed. It fell out of Colin's suit jacket.
RESUME COLIN ROBINSON TALKING HEAD WITH NO CUTS
COLIN
My ex-boyfriend, well, he's dead now, he gave me that pen. I used it for everything. It never retains enough ink, and it annoys the bejeezus out of every single receptionist I've ever had to sign paper work for. It's energy vampire gold. More like rhodium, really, since that's more valuable than gold --
THE MONSTER'S hand pats Colin's shoulder lovingly. ZOOM OUT to reveal The Monster has been sitting with Colin the entire time.
COLIN
I'm alright, buddy. We'll find it.
THE MONSTER
(solemn, to camera)
The Energy Vampire Council has eluded us for months.
ENTER LASZLO carrying a box of orgy stuff down the hall towards the foyer.
LASZLO
"Eluded"! Now that's a million dollar word! Enough with the drabble, you two. Come help me unpack this fine box.
Colin stares into the camera.
INT. GUILLERMO'S ROOM - THE NEXT EVENING.
Marwa's mancave in the attic built by Simon the Devious is now Guillermo's bedroom. Packed boxes are piled around the floor and there's nothing personal of his on the walls, but items he needs daily are lazily scattered around a table and dresser. Sitting on the bed, he ties his shoes. Unseen by Guillermo but visible to us, Nandor stands in the doorway, hands folded like an impatient praying mantis.
GUILLERMO
(glancing at camera)
Yeah, so the doctor said I need to chill out, essentially. Nandor can hunt on his own just fine. It wasn't going to last anyways -- you know how nothing lasts with him.
Guillermo pauses for a moment, not expecting that last sentence to feel so weighty.
GUILLERMO
It was just kinda fun, pretending to be Spider-Man or whatever... I'm surprised we kept it up this long...
(to himself)
I didn't really feel like Spider-Man.
He rises to his feet.
GUILLERMO
I've been attending this bowling-night thing I saw an ad for on Instagram a few weeks ago, so. I'm gonna head out now.
(to camera crew)
You guys need anything?
NANDOR
We are going to bowling? This is so exciting! I have been thinking a lot about the Polish people lately, and I would like to meet them.
Nandor pronounces "Polish" like "bowlish". Guillermo startles at his presence - Nandor wasn't supposed to hear what he just said.
NANDOR
(poorly pronounced Polish, smiling and waving at camera)
Dzień dobry!
GUILLERMO
(hesitant)
Do you not know what bowling is?
Nandor stares at Guillermo as if he'll be irritated if he has to repeat himself. Guillermo looks at the camera.
GUILLERMO
I was planning on going alone.
NANDOR
(dejected)
Oh.
GUILLERMO
But I don't see why you couldn't come along? It's just a game humans play.
NANDOR
We play games at Sean's house. Seems like no biggie.
Guillermo smiles, still nervous from Nandor's eavesdropping, but Nandor doesn't seem offended by what he said a moment ago.
GUILLERMO
You're right! No biggie.
EXT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
Nandor and Guillermo approach the BOWLING ALLEY - a rundown building in an empty strip mall with a lit alley full of dumpsters flanking the right side. Guillermo is wearing a white t-shirt and a navy bomber jacket with jeans, but Nandor did not change into human clothes and dons an ornate burgundy coat.
GUILLERMO
I wish you'd changed.
NANDOR
Don't be ridiculous, it is chilly out here.
GUILLERMO
Okay, just be chill. You know, like the doctor said -- we should both be chill.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - CONTINUOUS
The lengthy room is low-lit except for the blacklights and roaming colored lights, which brighten all the white clothing everyone sans Nandor is wearing. Outdated neon patterns cover the dark walls. On top of the general noise of a bowling alley, obnoxious 2010s pop hits play from crackly speakers.
Nandor looks around wildly at all the people and colors. On the far right hand, a rainbow sign that reads QUEER STATEN ISLAND MIXER indicates that the 6 lanes extended from the wall are occupied by the event. HENRY, an extroverted and lanky ginger with a name tag, approaches Guillermo.
HENRY
Guillermo, you made it!
Guillermo
Hey...!
Guillermo exchanges pleasantries with the group at Lane 6. Nandor watches the bowling balls fly and crash down the lanes with wide eyes. Henry greets the documentary crew with a confused grin.
NANDOR
Oh, Guillermo, you did not tell me how much fun this would be!
HENRY
(to Guillermo, regarding Nandor)
And who is this?
GUILLERMO
Oh! This is uhm...
HENRY
Because this is a singles only event.
GUILLERMO
Right. This is my roommate, Nandor.
Nandor spins a 14-pound bowling ball on his finger like a basketball. Henry watches in shock. Guillermo grabs the ball off of him.
NANDOR
Dzień dobry!
Henry smiles good-naturedly, confused.
GUILLERMO
He's saying hello.
HENRY
Oh, you know what! My grandpa was Hungarian, yeah! Djien Dovry!
Nandor smiles and nods.
GUILLERMO
So, he's never been bowling.
HENRY
I can show him!
GUILLERMO
Right, good. Have fun!
Guillermo mouths "careful" to Nandor. Nandor scowls at him dismissively. Guillermo wanders off to the next lane, but keeps an eye on Nandor.
HENRY
You've really never been bowling?
NANDOR
Guillermo does not know what he is talking about. I have been to bowling like, two hundred and fifty-six times. I've never been golfing, though.
HENRY
Cool! Cool, so --
Nandor begins to walk onto the lane carrying a ball.
HENRY
Wait! Don't --
Nandor slips dramatically, sending his bowling ball flying down the lane. He gets a strike, and nearby people cheer for him. The outdated T.V. screens blare STRIKE! STRIKE! above Nandor's head.
NANDOR
Oh no! A strike!
HENRY
A strike is good!
NANDOR
It is?
Guillermo rushes over to help Nandor to his feet and Nandor shrugs him off, insulted. They walk back to the ball return machine.
GUILLERMO
(whispering)
You can't just walk on the lane! You need special shoes!
NANDOR
Well who the fuck was going to tell me that? And besides, I won!
GUILLERMO
Don't try any mass hypnosis. There's this guy I might be seeing, and --
NANDOR
Why would I make everyone forget I just won? I did it! We can go home now.
GUILLERMO
What? No. The event just barely started.
NANDOR
Eh.
Guillermo pauses in front of the machine. He lifts a 10 pound ball and holds it out to Nandor.
GUILLERMO
Okay. This is heavy compared to a basketball, and you can't throw it down the lane too hard, okay?
NANDOR
Yes, I've got it. You don't need to explain it to me like I am a child.
KALEB, A tall, friendly and forward Black man wearing a beanie and a striped sweater (played by SAMSON KAYO), approaches Guillermo from behind.
Nandor raises his eyebrows and smiles at him. His teeth and fangs glow in the blacklight.
NANDOR
Dzień dobry!
Guillermo looks over his shoulder.
GUILLERMO
Kaleb! Hi!
Kaleb
Hey, how you been?
Kaleb places a warm hand on Guillermo's shoulder - Guillermo sets the ball down and steps back so that they stand shoulder to shoulder. He grins up at Kaleb.
GUILLERMO
I've been good, I've been good -- I'm well!
Awkward beat.
GUILLERMO
And this is Nandor!
NANDOR
Hello again, nice to meeting you and all that shit. I am Nandor.
Nandor holds out his hand and Kaleb tries to shake it, but Nandor does not move very much when he does.
Kaleb
(to Guillermo, playful)
You didn't ask how I was.
GUILLERMO
(through nervous laughter)
Oh my -- sorry, I didn't. I --
Kaleb chuckles.
KALEB
I'm just messing with you.
Kaleb sizes Nandor up with his gaze.
KALEB
And Nandor is...?
NANDOR
Forgive me. I am Guillermo's co-equal partner in --
GUILLERMO
(laughing)
-- partner in crime! He's my roommate.
NANDOR
Yes, that is what I was saying. I don't know why you said it for me.
KALEB
(gesturing at the camera)
And this is...?
NANDOR
This is a documentary we are filming. For our crimes. I mean, for our jobs.
KALEB
There's a documentary for data analysts?
GUILLERMO
You know what! Let's go get some curly fries.
Guillermo guides Kaleb away and Nandor waves at them. INEZ, a woman with a purple undercut and a nametag, approaches Nandor.
Inez
Hi! I'm Inez. Do you need help picking a ball?
Inez and Nandor walk to the front desk, Nandor leaning down to speak to her.
NANDOR
I need shoes and balls, apparently. Do I need special socks? If so, I was thinking, could I just get a really, really big shoe and put it on over the boots I am already wearing?
EXT. VAMPIRE MANSION FRONT YARD - NONSPECIFIC DAYTIME
GUILLERMO TALKING HEAD
GUILLERMO
So, in all honesty, I don't actually have a job anymore. I've worked my ass off for years -- and years! I deserve a break! To reorient myself, you know.
Guillermo leans into the camera.
GUILLERMO
(restrained excitement)
I don't know if I should tell you this, but I'm actually set for life. Well -- yeah, for life, probably. Life.
While Guillermo speaks, INTERCUT FOOTAGE of him and Nandor sorting through Nandor's treasures in the basement.
INSERT polaroid photos of Nandor and Laszlo at the MET shaking hands with the board of directors, behind them a new display of Nandor's old treasures. In the final polaroid they are EATING a board member.
GUILLERMO (V.O.)
When Nandor built the lair under his coffin, he cleared out that treasure room and he didn't want to keep about half of it. Laszlo suggested we auction it off -- one piece alone was apparently this super rare thing missing from a collection at the MET?
RESUME GUILLERMO TALKING HEAD WITH NO INTERCUT FOOTAGE
Colin walks down the front stairs behind Guillermo.
GUILLERMO
It was worth like, I don't know, a million dollars? Or more? I don't know, don't ask. There's like three more of them in Nandor's room right now. I'm not letting the money get to my head. Colin Robinson helped me set up a fund for my mom.
COLIN
You're like a sugar baby if there was no sugar and no baby. Honestly, I don't know why we keep you around.
Guillermo looks over his shoulder.
GUILLERMO
What's up with you lately? Are you okay?
COLIN
(emotional)
I lost my pen.
Guillermo looks on as Colin sulks away down the sidewalk.
INT. MUSIC ROOM - NIGHT
Nadja and Laszlo stand over the sofa and sort through boxes. Laszlo wraps his arms around Nadja from behind and hums, satisfied.
LASZLO
It feels so wonderful to work on something together again, my darling.
Nadja peels him off of her. Laszlo frowns and catches the ends of her hair with his fingers.
LASZLO
What ever is the trouble?
NADJA
We cannot risk you messing this up again. We weren't even invited to host it this time!
LASZLO
I won't! Have a modicum of faith in me, my dark mistress?
Nadja holds up a pair of pink fuzzy cuffs.
NADJA
Then what are these?
LASZLO
(aghast)
They're classic!
NADJA
They're cheap.
THE GUIDE knocks at the doorway.
THE GUIDE
Hello?
Nadja groans.
THE GUIDE TALKING HEAD - FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY
THE GUIDE
I have been staying here for a while, but the wraiths are getting antsy.
CAMERA begins to walk away.
THE GUIDE
Hello?
No response. The CAMERA HANGS DOWN, filming the floor.
THE GUIDE (O.S.)
Oh, you don't care? Then why did you let me think I could talk?
INT. MUSIC ROOM - CONTINUOUS
THE GUIDE
You know, I have organized many, many orgies. Very successful orgies.
Laszlo and Nadja exchange looks.
NADJA
Go on.
THE GUIDE
(to Laszlo)
I have borne witness to sucking and fucking and trucking even the likes of you have not seen.
Nadja looks to CAMERA 2 in confusion when The Guide says "trucking". The Guide jabs Laszlo in the chest with her pointer finger for emphasis.
LASZLO
Is that a challenge?
The Guide disappears and reappears behind the sofa.
THE GUIDE
It's an offer.
They all exchange wary glances.
INT. BOWLING ALLEY - LATER
Guillermo and Kaleb chat, inaudible to the camera, over a basket of fries. Nandor throws a ball straight into the gutter and shouts, frustrated. The wood of the bowling lane splinters where it meets the gutter, the ball bouncing harshly until it spins to a stop a few lanes over. ZOOM IN on a MAN at the lane Nandor damaged, frowning over at Nandor and Inez.
Nandor stomps back over to the ball return machine and KICKS it, denting it. Inez tries to calm him down.
CUT back to Guillermo and Kaleb. A loud CRASH and GASPS O.S.! Guillermo looks over Kaleb's shoulder at the bowling lanes. Nandor threw a bowling ball too hard and BROKE the ENTIRE LANE. Someone yelps in shock, and everyone looks at Nandor. A MALE EMPLOYEE walks out onto the floor.
BOWLING ALLEY EMPLOYEE
(arms up)
It's alright, everybody. We haven't updated these things since the 90s, they're bound to crash.
BOWLING EMPLOYEE
(to Nandor)
But you need to come with me. This is probably gonna cost over a grand.
Nandor looks around for Guillermo. They make eye contact, and Guillermo shrugs and nods - they wordlessly plan to bail via hypnosis. Kaleb looks over his shoulder at Nandor, then back to Guillermo with suspicion. Nandor raises his hands for hypnosis.
NANDOR
Youuuu allll wiiiiill nottttt --
The distressed, balding MAN with a thick Jersey accent from the lane Nandor damaged earlier stomps over to Nandor. CUT TO Guillermo rising from his seat at the threat of conflict.
The man taps on Nandor's shoulder.
DISTRESSED MAN
Did you people do this?
He points at the sign indicating the queer mixer and gestures at the newly broken lane. Henry approaches.
HENRY
Hi, is there a problem?
A few others crowd behind him, and Guillermo walks over to stand on Nandor's other side, trailed by Kaleb.
DISTRESSED MAN
You broke the fucking lane!
GUILLERMO
Sorry, sir -- this is our lane. You aren't even using this lane, is everything okay?
The man directs his attention to Guillermo.
DISTRESSED MAN
(exasperated)
What is it with all this shit? Look!
The man points down the way, a few lanes over from them. ZOOM IN on two LITTLE GIRLS and an EMO TEENAGE BOY with multiple foxtail belt clips dangling from his Hot Topic jeans. They are bowling, unbothered.
DISTRESSED MAN
(gesturing wildly with hands)
My nephew over here thinks he's a fucking animal because of all the gay people he talks to on the internet! On the social medias!
Guillermo suppresses a snort with his hands and looks at CAMERA 1. Henry laughs outright.
DISTRESSED MAN
You think this is fucking funny? Can any of yous talk him out of it?
GUILLERMO
I'm sorry sir, I'm sorry, uhm -- we can't really help that your nephew is a furry.
DISTRESSED MAN
He's a what-now?
NANDOR
Listen, my good man. If your kin has the brain scramblies and thinks he is a fox, why not let him think he is a fox for a little while?
This is much better than if he thought he were a bunny rabbit. Or a goldfish!
DISTRESSED MAN
What in the actual fuck did you just say to me?!
The man shoves Nandor in the chest, drawing "oohs" from the crowd. Nandor doesn't budge or react beyond mild confusion.
GUILLERMO
Woah, woah, woah.
Guillermo steps in front of everyone, one arm out in front of Nandor.
GUILLERMO
(suppressing laughter)
Sir --
DISTRESSED MAN
Quit calling me sir!
GUILLERMO
I -- okay. Just talk to your nephew about it. He might not even be a furry, maybe he just likes the keychains.
DISTRESSED MAN
(desperate)
WHAT is a furry?
Guillermo walks the man back over to his family, leaving Kaleb and Nandor to stand in awkward silence.
KALEB
He was really proactive about defending you over there.
NANDOR
Well, yes. He used to be my bodyguard.
Kaleb arches an eyebrow.
KALEB
What kind of profession you got that requires a bodyguard?
NANDOR
Uhm... military stuff. But I am retired.
Guillermo walks back over and stands beside-and-behind Kaleb such that Kaleb needs to turn his head to speak to either Guillermo or Nandor directly.
KALEB
(to Guillermo)
That was really cool, how you diffused that situation.
GUILLERMO
Thank you. I spent a lot of time developing conflict resolution skills at my old job.
Despite smiling at Kaleb, Guillermo's eyes drift to Nandor for approval.
KALEB
Look, is there something going on here?
KALEB
(to Guillermo)
I like you, but I don't want to get in the middle of anything.
NANDOR
I'm sorry?
GUILLERMO
Oh, no! No, nothing like that.
KALEB
You know, this is a singles only event.
GUILLERMO
So I've been told. Multiple times.
NANDOR
I don't get it.
KALEB
I was just making sure I wasn't walking into, like, a messy history book.
NANDOR
Guillermo and I have a long history. We have been together for over a decade --
GUILLERMO
(laughing)
No, no. Not like --
KALEB
-- On and off...?
GUILLERMO
Not like that! I used to work for him, and we're friends.
KALEB
And you live together?
Guillermo presses his lips together and nods.
GUILLERMO
You know, the economy and all. I'm actually thinking of getting my own place, though.
Nandor catches that and frowns.
KALEB
Just friends? You never...? I mean, he's...
Kaleb gestures vaguely at Nandor with one arm.
KALEB
You're a good looking guy.
NANDOR
Oh! OH-HO! I get it now. Yes, I would say I am quite dashing!
Guillermo rolls his eyes at the camera.
NANDOR
But we have never done fucking, no. Is that the confusion?
Guillermo's eyes go wide and Kaleb laughs uncomfortably.
KALEB
Yes, that was the confusion.
Nandor fake-laughs. It's horrible. Guillermo mimes at him with his hands to CUT IT OUT.
NANDOR
I mean, he's -- it's Guillermo! I have never thought about it, not even once, in all these years. Are you thinking about that?
Guillermo grimaces and mouths "STOP TALKING!".
NANDOR
Because I'm certainly not. Especially since in our house, you know, everyone goes at it all the time, it is pretty much the norm there. So, there's plenty to go around.
Kaleb's eyebrows shoot up into his beanie and he looks at Guillermo, who violently shakes his head "no".
GUILLERMO
That's not exactly --
NANDOR
Fifteen years is a long time to know someone. And to never think about that! Which is exactly what I have done. Successfully not thought about that. Not that it was difficult, it would never organically cross my mind.
Guillermo gives up and rubs his temples under the arms of his glasses, eyes closed.
KALEB
You don't have to be a bitch about it, man. You're killing the vibe.
NANDOR
Ah -- well. I am hungry. I am off to purchase chili-lime-grape-kiwi-pineapple nachos.
Nandor speed-walks away.
KALEB
Kiwi and pineapple? Are those real toppings?
GUILLERMO
(strained)
I have no idea, I don't regularly eat bowling alley nachos.
INT. FANCY ROOM - NIGHT
Nadja and Laszlo sit on the sofa, going over a check list together.
NADJA
Honestly, Laszlo, I am impressed. I think we have everything we need!
The Guide materializes behind them, startling Nadja.
THE GUIDE
Ha! Not even close. This is only the beginning.
LASZLO
She's right, my darling. We haven't any imps, for starters.
Nadja
Imps? Why the fuck do we need imps? WE will be doing the fucking! Not the imps!
THE GUIDE
They set the mood.
NADJA
Auuuuugh.
The Monster enters the room. The Guide observes him and slowly walks around the sofa.
THE GUIDE
You know, you could probably get him involved. I don't think there's been an orgy with a reanimated corpse in the entirety of vampiric history!
LASZLO
Now that's an idea. Who knew you could be so useful?
THE GUIDE
And all those years I was helping you...? They don't ring a bell?
NADJA
Does what ring a bell?
The Guide looks into the camera.
EXT. BOWLING ALLEY - NIGHT
CAMERA 1 is positioned facing the bowling alley far away in the parking lot. Kaleb and Guillermo exit the bowling alley. SHAKY ZOOM IN on Kaleb and Guillermo.
KALEB
Tonight was kinda wild. But you know what? It was cool.
GUILLERMO
Yeah, I hope it was.
KALEB
I don't mean this in a bad way, but you're even more interesting than I thought you were before.
Guillermo smiles.
KALEB
I was wondering if you -- what's that noise?
From the dumpster alley comes wet sounds of struggle.
GUILLERMO
Oh, it's probably raccoons or something.
Gurgling, screaming, punching metal.
KALEB
That does not sound like raccoons.
GUILLERMO
You're right, it could be dangerous. Let's not --
Kaleb jogs around the building.
GUILLERMO
(to no one)
-- and you go over there. Of course you do.
Guillermo pursues Kaleb around the corner.
KALEB (O.S)
OH MY GOD!
REVEAL Nandor, hissing, much like a raccoon, hunched over the bald man's body next to a dumpster. Guillermo rounds the corner.
GUILLERMO
Nandor, no! Not here!
Guillermo whines like this is an inconvenience, not a terrifying ordeal. Kaleb continues to scream in horror. He clutches onto Guillermo, who stands there with a disgusted frown.
KALEB
OH SHIT, WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! HE'S EATING HIM!
Guillermo knocks Kaleb to his knees and immobilizes his arms from behind. He snaps at Nandor with his free hand as if he were calling a dog.
GUILLERMO
Get over here!
Nandor drops the body.
NANDOR
What? I said I was hungry. You want me to eat him too?
Kaleb shrieks, and Guillermo covers his mouth to smother the sound.
GUILLERMO
No, you idiot! Come hypnotize him so he stops freaking out!
NANDOR
Good idea.
NANDOR
(to Kaleb)
Yoouuuuu willlll noooot remeeeeember anyyyyything frooooom toooonight --
GUILLERMO
No, wait! --
Kaleb immediately relaxes.
NANDOR
-- Ooooor caaaare thaat III haaaave bloood onnnn myyyy faaaaace.
Beat.
KALEB
Why am I on the ground?
GUILLERMO
I was just helping you up.
Kaleb brushes himself off as he rises to his feet.
KALEB
You're Guillermo, right?
Guillermo huffs.
GUILLERMO
Yes. I am.
KALEB
You wanna go back inside?
GUILLERMO
We've gotta get home, actually.
KALEB
We? Oh... is he?
GUILLERMO
Yeah, no, I don't know. Whatever. I'm just tired.
KALEB
I'll text you? Did I get your number at the last mixer?
GUILLERMO
You did.
Kaleb smiles.
KALEB
Okay.
Guillermo is less enthusiastic.
GUILLERMO
Okay, see you.
Nandor stands guiltily behind Guillermo like a mighty dragon scolded by a villager.
INT/EXT. PARKING LOT - CAR - MOMENTS LATER
Guillermo starts the car and Nandor pouts in the passenger seat. A bright cartoon lemon-scented air freshener dangles from the rearview mirror between them. CAMERA 1 remains in the parking lot and CAMERA 2 is in the back seat of the car. Guillermo pulls out of the parking lot.
Silence.
[CAMERA 2 POV ONLY FROM HERE ON]
GUILLERMO
You shouldn't have eaten him.
NANDOR
What? He was totally fair game.
GUILLERMO
He wasn't a threat!
NANDOR
He attacked me!
GUILLERMO
His family was there!
NANDOR
They all have families, Guillermo!
Beat. Guillermo drives in silence.
NANDOR
I am sorry. I really thought it was fair game. I was hungry.
GUILLERMO
No, you're right. It was fair. I'm sorry for calling you an idiot.
NANDOR
I wasn't trying to ruin your bowling time-event. I know you don't care about that man with the fox for a nephew. Don't do this projecting bullshit, it's not mental-healthy.
Guillermo drives faster.
NANDOR
The doctor-man said "be chill".
GUILLERMO
I'm projecting? I'm projecting? You were projecting your ass off in there! What the hell was that?
NANDOR
What are you talking about?
GUILLERMO
Don't play stupid with me! You're --
NANDOR
Guillermo, the light!
Guillermo slams on the brakes.
NANDOR
(to backseat camera)
Yeesh.
Beat. The light turns green.
NANDOR
Again, I am sorry. I don't think I've said sorry this many times in my life until I met you, ugh.
GUILLERMO
No, no you're right. We just went over this. He was fair game. And saying sorry is a good thing -- for you at least. It's a step in communication.
Nandor hums thoughtfully and nods. He picks at the dried blood in his beard.
NANDOR
You know what? We could get Laszlo to do texting for you to Kaleb, and Laszlo will make you sound very suave. Then you can have sex with Kaleb, and everything will be alright!
CUE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC - The opening notes of "ALPHA RATS NEST" by THE MOUNTAIN GOATS.
Guillermo stares ahead, irritated but endeared.
GUILLERMO
Great idea. I'll think about it.
ENDING CREDITS - "ALPHA RATS NEST" BY THE MOUNTAIN GOATS
POST CREDIT SCENE:
INT. LIBRARY - NIGHT
The Monster holds up a censored neon green dildo and a censored neon pink dildo. Laszlo and The Guide sit on the sofa and vote yay or nay to each item, marking them off on a check list.
The items grow increasingly ridiculous, such as a horse saddle and a potted cactus. They both vote yes on the horse saddle. Laszlo votes no on the cactus, but The Guide votes yes. Laszlo stares at her in disbelief. The Guide nods at the camera with a sultry confidence.
Ah, the lengthening hours in the refinery
Belching fire into the sky
We do our best vampire routines
As we suck the dying hours dry
The night is lovely as a rose
If I see sunlight hit you
I am sure that we'll both decompose
Ah, the fitful sleep and the fire engines
That I dream of when I dream
Someday we'll both wake up for good
I will try hard not to scream
The evening wind will shake the blinds
You're stirring from your slumber
We've got something hateful on our minds
Oh, sing, sing, sing
For the dying of the day
Sing for the flames that will rip through here
And the smoke that will carry us away
Yeah, sing for the damage we've done
And the worse things that we'll do
Open your mouth up and sing for me now
And I will sing for you