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Eddie stopped going to work a week before he left for El Paso. It made sense - there were things he needed to get in order, a whole house that needed to be packed, stuff like that. Regardless, Buck was having a hard time not being upset by the decision. For the past seven years, one of the few things Buck could count on, his one constant, was Eddie. No matter what he was going through, he knew his best friend was there, a mere half hour’s drive away, if that. With that assurance rapidly coming to an end, Buck had intended to spend as much of the time he had left with Eddie, familiarising himself with his warmth before distance forced its way between them.
Still, Buck understood why, in part because that was just what he seemed to do lately. He made it through shifts without his best friend and he understood why. He had to stop cooking them dinner in Eddie’s kitchen because the whole thing had been shoved unceremoniously into a bunch of ugly cardboard boxes, and he understood why. He somehow managed to help Eddie do the same with the rest of his life, stacking it tetris-like into a lousy u-haul, and he under-fucking-stood why. It was miserable and heartbreaking but he managed it all with a smile on his face because it was for Eddie and it was for Christopher and that, more than anything, he understood. He vowed to let himself feel it - let himself mourn it - when Eddie was far enough away that he wouldn’t feel his sadness like a weight on his soul, the same way Buck had always felt Eddie’s.
Except, the chance to mourn his loss never came.
Buck had seen Eddie off and immediately run to the firehouse with his tail between his legs, in search of a patented Henrietta Wilson Healing Hug. What he found instead was an old - ancient, really - cassette player with a sign that read simply, “play me”. Later, Chimney would half tease, half chide him for not confirming that it was meant for him before doing as the sign said and Buck would laugh and agree that it was fairly presumptuous of him to do so, but really…there was no question as to who it was for.
Buck could recognize Eddie’s handwriting with his eyes closed.
Without so much as putting his bag down, Buck pressed play.
“Ok, first things first - I don’t wanna hear a single word about the tape deck, ok? I tried to do this with voice notes and what not but that felt…I don’t know…impersonal? And it wasn’t what I was going for. Wasn’t the vibe, I guess. This just felt right, you know? You know. You always know. I can practically see you nodding along.”
Buck laughed at that, a quiet, wet sound. He had been nodding along, partly because he did know what Eddie meant, and partly because it was Eddie, talking to him like he wasn’t on his way to Texas at that very moment. Talking to him like Buck’s whole world hadn’t ended in the same instant that uhaul disappeared from view. Talking to him like…like nothing had changed at all.
Buck wished that was the case.
“Second…you notice how we never say second things second? Of course you have. Stop laughing.”
That only made Buck laugh harder, despite the tears running down his cheeks.
“Second things second, I need you to hold onto this thing. The tape deck, I mean. Or I guess it’s a cassette player? Whatever. Point is, you need to hold onto it, because while this would have been far more impactful if I had a different one for every tape, these things are hard to find and they are not cheap. So. Hold on to it, or be ready to face my wrath at…some point in the future.” There was a pause before Eddie continued. “Look, I’ll get the awkward part out of the way early. I know you’re not ok, Buck. I know you’re trying to be, and I know if I tell you I know you’re not you’ll deny it, but I can tell when your smiles are forced. And I just…I know you. I know this is eating you up, and I know you’re not talking about it because you think it’ll make you selfish, or you have no right to be upset, or I’ll think you’re not being a supportive best friend if you’re hurt by this decision. But Buck, none of that is true. You’re allowed to feel this. I know you know why I’m doing this, and your support through all of this has been invaluable. I need to do this, and I honestly don’t know if I could have without your support. But also? We’ve been in each other’s hair for the better part of seven years and I’m having a really hard time imagining what my life is gonna look like without you popping in whenever you want. I’m…it won’t be the same without you there. If there was any other way to do this, some way that would make it so I could have Christopher and you in my life, I need you to know that’s what I’d be doing. I’m doing this because it’s the only way I can think of that keeps me from missing out on Christopher’s life, but god, Buck, I hate that it means you have to miss both of us.” Another pause, and when Eddie next spoke it was in a softer, more serious tone. “I know you think you’ve lost us, that you’ve been left behind again, abandoned by people you thought of as family. And I know that hurts. But I need you to hear me, Evan, when I say that that is absolutely not what is happening here. You are my best friend. Are. Not was. It’s probably hard to believe, considering you’re listening to this while I’m still in, what? Hour one of thirteen? And only getting further and further away with every word. I imagine it’s hard to believe anything outside of the hurt right now. So…allow me to ask this one thing of you: let yourself feel it. Lean on our family, talk to Hen and Chim and Ravi and Bobby. Let them see your hurt, let them help you carry it. Can you do that for me? Please?”
Buck nodded, unable to push any words past the lump in his throat.
“I’m gonna assume - and hope - that you’re not so mad at me that you’ll refuse. I’m…also gonna assume you’re still listening. If you’re not then…well, I guess I'm just talking to myself…again. Either way, Hen’s upstairs. Go get a hug, I know you need one. And for what it’s worth, I am sorry that this was the only option. I’ve skipped one shift and I already miss you, this move is gonna suck. I just…it’s so important to me that you know I’m not leaving you behind. That’s not what this is. Ok?” A final pause. “Ok. Good talk. We’ll have another one soon, don’t worry.”
There was the sound of shuffling, followed by a soft staticy pop and Eddie was, once again, gone. Carefully, as if sudden movements would cause the thing to explode, Buck picked up the cassette player, rewound the tape, and listened to it again. When it ended a second time, he placed it in his locker for safe keeping, and went upstairs to find Hen.
He received the second tape the next morning. Chimney had talked him into having breakfast with him and Maddie and Jee after their shift, which he accepted, if not only because Eddie had asked him so nicely to lean on family and, really, the thought of going home to an empty loft was…upsetting. So, he did breakfast, and let Maddie hug him for far longer than normal, and let Jee paint his nails a shade that shared its name with how he felt when he finally did get home: So Matcha Better.
His spirits only lifted more (yet somehow plummeted at the same time) when he saw the cassette taped to his front door. There was no note with this one, just the words Buck Project 2 scrawled across the small paper strip near the top of the tape. Buck chuckled quietly to himself as he removed it from his door, wondering if that was how Eddie had meant for it to be secured - a taped tape - and if so, if that was some kind of dad joke and if so, if he’d have gotten a kick out of so matcha better as well.
He felt stupid and a little pathetic, but once he had the tape in his hands he was actually kinda glad he was alone. It allowed him to sit outside on the balcony, set the tape deck on the chair beside him, close his eyes, and pretend Eddie was right beside him, shooting the shit.
“So…how’d yesterday go?”
It took a moment for Buck to realize Eddie was leaving room for him to actually answer.
“Um…alright, I guess?” It was a little silly, talking to air, but at the same time it was somewhat nice. It felt like he was having a conversation with his best friend, something he didn’t think would happen until well after Eddie’d gotten settled in his new place. It was comforting in its own, I-probably-won’t-tell-anyone-about-this kind of way. “You were right, I needed one of Hen’s hugs. Headed in yesterday just for that, actually. Threw myself into the job a little too hard to get my mind off of things and got a stern talking to from Bobby. Still, no one ran me off, and Chim even got me to have breakfast with him and Maddie and Jee and…it helped. I still miss you, it still hurts, but…you were right. I needed them and they were there and…it isn’t the same but it helps.” He considered mentioning the nail polish, but Eddie must’ve decided he’d had enough time to answer, because he started talking again.
“I hope you’re done trying to pretend you’re ok, or at the very least you’ve realized that you don’t have to hide your pain from the people who love you.”
“Yeah,” Buck said quietly. “I’m trying, Eds, I promise.”
Eddie took a deep breath, and Buck followed along. “Ok,” his voice rang out clear and with purpose, and Buck straightened his posture a little at the sound. “On to part two. By now I’m sure you’re asking yourself what’s Project Buck? Well, if I told you that, I’d have to kill you. But rest assured it’s nothing bad. And I’ll let you in on a secret: the more you participate, the more you follow the tapes’ instructions, the more clear it’ll be. Simply put, if you want to know what Project Buck is, then you have to do everything the tapes - or really, everything I say. So, you up for the challenge?”
“You know I am.”
“I know you are. Today’s task is - drumroll, please…”
Buck heard what sounded like Eddie drumming on his table, performing a terrible drumroll.
“To get some sleep!”
Buck frowned, appalled by the day’s task. After a moment, Eddie started laughing. “Kidding,” he said, “but man, you should see your face. No, but you should rest up. I’m willing to bet you listened to this as soon as you got home, right? Which means you either just got off a shift, or you went somewhere after your shift. Regardless, I bet you haven’t slept, so…get to that. Finish the tape when you wake up. Don’t sleep all day, though. Sunlight is kind of important for this one. Goodnight, Buck.”
Buck smiled, his eyes still closed. “Night, Eddie.”
“Be honest, how badly did you need this?”
Buck smiled, soft and easy, as the tape neared its end. “Yeah, yeah, you were right.”
“I know, I’m always right.”
Despite knowing how it made him look, Buck laughed loudly at that. He got a few odd looks - sitting alone on a bench holding an old cassette player and talking/laughing with no one will earn you those - but he didn’t quite mind. There was something about how Eddie talked on the tapes that made Buck feel a little giddy. He wondered if Eddie imagined the two of them were in the same room when he recorded them, the same way Buck did as he listened. A large, negative part of him thought he probably didn’t, that that was a kind of weird that was specific to Buck and his inability to just let people go and move on. But there was a smaller, kinder part, that thought maybe that was exactly what Eddie did, that that was why the tapes made him feel so near, and every time he said something that was a direct response to what Buck had said, that part grew. Eddie knew him, knew his mannerisms and the inner workings of his mind, and he knew how he’d respond and thus would respond in turn and…god that made him feel almost as warm as the sunlight Eddie knew he needed.
When Buck had first heard the task - you’re going for a walk and you’re gonna let the sun do its thing - he’d almost stopped the tape and gone back to bed. His sleep had been fitful and not at all restful, and the idea of going outside and facing a world he didn’t really like at the moment was unappealing. If it had been anyone else asking him to do so, he would have stayed home. He would have buried his head under his pillow and gone right back to tossing and turning and waking up more tired than before he’d tried to sleep. But it wasn’t anyone else, it was Eddie. So, despite how he was feeling, he went on the damn walk.
As was usually the way whenever Eddie made Buck go for a walk, he had a specific destination in mind and the first part of the tape was him explaining the exact path Buck was going to walk to get there. He was halfway through writing the directions down - only because Eddie insisted he do so - when he realized where Eddie was taking him. Still, he did as he was asked and, once the directions were tucked away safely in his notes app, he was off. It took a few minutes before he realized that Eddie was walking - or rather, had walked - the same route while recording. He only had a moment to ponder this before Eddie launched into an info dump about the physical and mental benefits of sunlight.
Buck was happy to listen.
He reached their bench about halfway through an explanation about the effects of Vitamin D on healthy immune function, and from the sound of it, Eddie had done the same. Buck knew that bench well and knew why that had been the destination Eddie had in mind. It wasn’t much, just an old stone bench in a nearby park that had seen more years than love by the looks of it, but it meant a lot to them. They’d had some fairly deep talks on that bench, had broken down more times than Buck could count…that bench likely knew them as well as they knew each other. It was a comfortable place and sitting there, bathed in the sun’s warmth, surrounded by remnants of the rain from the day prior, Buck couldn’t help but smile. Once more he closed his eyes and listened and let himself feel Eddie’s presence, and he knew: that was the point of the walk, to tell Buck that even though he was gone, Eddie was still there, too, in all the places that knew them. And for the first time since he’d peeked at Eddie’s ipad and learned about his plans to move, Buck truly understood that he wasn’t going to be gone forever.
Buck cried then, and Eddie let him. Maybe because he wasn’t actually there and thus didn’t know Buck was crying but…he knew. Buck knew he knew, and he didn’t tell him to stop. He just continued to prattle on about Vitamin D because Buck liked to learn things, and Buck found himself thinking he was glad his best friend wasn’t going to be gone forever, because he was sure he would never again meet anyone quite like Eddie Diaz.
The walk home was quiet, but Buck didn’t mind it. He took the time to attempt to organize his thoughts and get used to the idea that Eddie was in Texas, but he wasn’t completely gone from Buck’s life. He hadn’t been tossed aside and forgotten and, most importantly, he didn’t need to choose between his own happiness and Eddie’s. He was just gonna get Christopher and then they were both going to come back home. Buck wasn’t sure how long that would take and it certainly wasn’t the first time he expected someone to return who never did but…Eddie wasn’t Abbie. That his mind would even try to make that connection was silly - he and Eddie were friends, Buck wasn’t mourning a lost lover this time, just a kindred soul. And yet…his mind had made the connection before. Eddie wasn’t his lover but the situations had felt the same when he was in them. Dropping Abby off at the airport, watching Eddie drive away…he’d certainly felt the same, had even made the same bargains with himself and the universe about promising to keep everything as it was until Eddie returned, so when he finally did it would feel like he hadn’t missed a thing. Go, do what you need to do, find what you need to find. I’ll hold things down here, so you can pick up where you left off whenever you’re ready.
The next few days were more of the same: another walk, another landmark that meant something to them, a playlist of songs that Buck had said lifted his spirits at one time or another, cooking one of Buck’s comfort meals while Eddie attempted to teach them both chess so they could play when Christopher came home. Buck had gotten used to talking back to the recordings, and Eddie was winning major I-know-my-best-friend points by accurately predicting at least half of Buck’s comments and responding in kind. He made it a sort of game to try and come up with things Eddie wouldn’t predict (something Eddie somehow seemed to know he’d do?) and had an ongoing list of things he was successful with. He and Eddie had talked about a sort of communication delay, to allow Eddie time to get settled and focus solely on mending his relationship with Christopher. Buck had hated the idea, but told Eddie he’d respect the boundary, and they agreed that Eddie would reach out to signal the end of the “ban”. Until then, until Buck could taunt him with all the things he didn’t predict, he kept the list.
Buck ended up breaking the contact moratorium early, however, after the most recent tape instructed him to buy himself something nice.
“Doesn’t have to be anything big,” Eddie had said. “Just…out of all of us, the person who believes you’re deserving of love the least is you. And if I’m gonna properly focus on things out in Texas, I need to be able to trust that my best friend is in good hands. So, do something nice for yourself, and don’t even think about skipping this one. There will be a pop quiz when we talk next so…I’ll know.”
“I can lie,” Buck said.
“I know when you’re lying,” Eddie said.
Well. That one certainly wasn’t making the list.
Buck spent all day wracking his brain and trying to figure out what he should buy himself. He wasn’t opposed to the task; in fact, he thought it was extremely thoughtful and made him feel the kind of warm that he didn’t usually entertain because that was his best friend his heart was fantasizing about so knock it off, thanks. The main issue he ran into was there just wasn’t really anything he wanted, because everything he did want was in Texas, and Buck was sure that buying himself a plane ticket wasn’t exactly what Eddie had in mind. And then, out of nowhere, he had it. Something he actually really, really wanted that didn’t include inserting himself in the middle of whatever Eddie and Christopher had going on. But getting it did involve calling Eddie, and if he really wanted to make sure he got it, he’d need to do so before Eddie reached out to him.
Eddie answered after the first ring. “Buck? Is everything ok?”
“Yeah, yes, everything’s fine. …Everything ok there?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“Why wouldn’t it be ok here?”
“Because you called.”
“Oh. Yeah, no, everything’s ok, and I’ll go back to not calling—”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
“—but I have a question and it’s kind of time sensitive.”
“Ok…?”
“Have you sold the house yet?”
Eddie was quiet for a moment, and Buck worried that he’d put together what was going on. “No,” he finally said. “Why? Does it look like someone’s living there?”
“No,” Buck said, then paused. “Well, I wouldn’t know, actually.”
“Nice save.”
“It’s not just a save! I haven’t been by since you told me to stop.” Buck lowered his voice slightly. “Still don’t know how you knew I was doing that.”
“There is very little more Evan Buckley than driving by our place and wishing I still lived there. It wasn’t a risky guess.” Eddie chuckled. “So then…why the interest in the house? You said it was time sensitive, is someone interested?”
“Yeah. Me.”
“Evan.”
“I’m serious.”
“I didn’t mean you should buy a fucking house, Buck.”
“You didn’t say I couldn’t buy a fucking house, either.”
“I didn’t think I needed to!”
“And that was your first mistake.”
Eddie laughed despite himself. “Buck, please. Think about this.”
“I have thought about it. I’ve thought about it all day.”
“And a house is the only thing you came up with?”
“It’s the only thing I want.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not a house, Eds, it’s our house, and I want it to stay that way.”
Eddie sighed, and Buck just knew he was running a hand down his face, clearly exasperated but unable to say so.
“The idea was to not preserve everything as it was when I left, to actually move on with your life.”
“I can understand why you think this is me not moving on.”
“I don’t just think that, Buck. Buying our house isn’t doing that.”
“I think it’s ok to preserve some things.”
“Of course. But…”
“Look.” Buck took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “All week, you’ve been having me do these…tasks. Visiting places that we visited together, doing things we did together, listening to songs we listened to together, stuff like that. And now you want me to buy something for myself, and I figure…what better than the place we spent the most time together? I’m not gonna turn it into a shrine, Eddie, I promise. I’ll make it more me, but there are memories here and I don’t want those to be painted over, and I know you don’t want that, either. Christopher grew up here, I know you don’t want to lose that.” He chuckled. “Plus I mean…we both know that’s my kitchen. I love that kitchen.”
“There are better kitchens,” Eddie said, but Buck could tell he was coming around. “You’re sure about this?”
“When I came up with the idea I felt like…I don’t know…like I was finally able to release a breath I didn’t know I was holding.”
Eddie was quiet for a long time, before finally clearing his throat. “Ok. I’ll let my realtor know to turn down any other offers he received and have him take the house off the market. But only if you’re–”
“I’m sure.”
“Then expect a call from him in the next couple of days.”
“Thanks, Eds.”
Eddie sighed again. “I literally said it doesn’t have to be anything big and you still go and buy a fucking house.”
“Our house.”
“I hope you get rats.”
“I’ll be sure to pick a couple up from the pet store.”
Eddie laughed. “You’re impossible.” And then, quieter: “I really miss you.”
Buck’s throat tightened and his vision got blurry at the edges. “Ah, none of that. This is a business call.” He tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I’ll be reporting that rat threat to the better business bureau.”
“Wasn’t a threat, just a hope. A prayer, really.”
“I see, I see. Well I…guess I’ll let you get back to whatever it is you do in Texas.”
“Rodeos, mostly.”
“You do much cow tipping out there?”
“Depends on the service but yeah, usually 20%.”
Buck laughed at that, hard, and Eddie couldn’t help but laugh along. They managed to hang up eventually, and then Buck just…stared at the wall. He was gonna buy the house. Eddie’s house and Christopher’s house was going to be his house, too, and…well, that was certainly something.
“Do you remember when you told me about Abby for the first time?”
Buck’s head snapped up and he looked at the tape player, his brow furrowed. “Yeah?” he said slowly.
“You said something like, you wanted to make sure nothing changed so she could just step back into her life when she got back and, well…you know how I felt about that. How I still feel about that.” Eddie sighed. “I know I’m no Abby, but I also can’t shake the feeling that you’ll still try to do the same for me, even though I know you know I wouldn’t want you to. These past few days, we’ve spent a good amount of time getting used to the fact that I’ve moved, and that it’s not the end of the world.”
“Yeah.”
“So, now it’s time to focus on moving forward. Step one is to spend time with the people who are still there, starting with your favorite niece. Chim says she’s been dying to go to the zoo, and who better to take her than our resident zoo expert? I’ve already ironed out the details with Maddie and Chim, all you have to do is get ready and go pick her up. Oh, and have fun. That’s also a rule. There’ll also be a pop quiz on this, so. Not that I think you’d pass on a chance to spend time with Jee but…you better not.”
Buck nearly short circuited trying to get his phone out to call Maddie. He didn’t think Eddie was lying but at the same time, he’d also been dying to take Jee to the zoo and had refrained from doing so only because she hadn’t gone yet and he figured her parents should be the first to take her. He hadn’t even mentioned it to Maddie, the only person he’d told was Eddie. And he’d gone and…if that was true, if he’d arranged that for Buck, well, his heart was about to get a free-to-fantasize-about-my-best-friend pass.
“Buck?”
“Maddie!”
“Is everything ok? Please don’t say you’re calling to cancel, Jee could hardly sleep last night she was so excited, I can’t even begin to comprehend how we’re gonna te—”
“So it’s true?”
“What?”
“I’m…you guys don’t want it to be you? She hasn’t been before.” His voice dropped lower still. “It’ll be a first.”
Maddie smiled. “There’ll be plenty more of those for Chim and I to experience with her. She’s going to have a better time with you, and this’ll be a lovely memory for both of you.”
“Thank you,” Buck said quietly.
“Thank you. It means the world to us that Jee’s got an uncle who loves her as much as you do.” Maddie paused for a moment before asking, “how have you been? You know…considering…?”
“I miss him,” Buck said. It was the first time he’d said it outloud and doing so lifted a weight off of his shoulders he wasn’t even conscious of carrying. “The tapes help but it’s not the same.”
“The Buck Project,” Maddie said. “Eddie really is somethin’ else, huh?”
“He tips cows 20%,” Buck said. “Unless the service is bad.”
Maddie’s laugh was bright and joyful, and Buck couldn’t help but smile at the sound. “You two were made for each other.”
Buck was a man of his word, so when his heart did A Thing™️ in response to Maddie’s comment, he let it. “I think we just spend an obnoxious amount of time on the same wavelength.”
“Mmhmm. Well, Jee’s sitting by the door, when should I tell her you’ll be over to pick her up?”
“I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”
“You better be, she’ll keep count.”
Buck made a mental note to kiss Eddie square on the mouth the next time he saw him. Not only had he covered the admission fee, he’d also arranged for a number of the keeper experiences and three different animal feedings. Jee could hardly contain her excitement, and Buck had taken so many photos and videos he was sure his phone was going to run out of storage. Besides that, the two had an absolute blast. They’d started with the wolves, because Chimney had mentioned that Jee had been really interested in wolves lately, and when they reached the habitat Buck saw what he meant. Her little eyes grew wide, bigger than Buck had ever seen them, before she threw her head back and let out the smallest, cutest howl he’d ever heard in his entire life, followed by uncontrollable laughter. Buck read the little plaque on the enclosure and then answered every question Jee threw at him, to the best of his ability. They repeated this with the cheetahs, the tigers, the flamingos, and the zebras, before finally reaching the sea otters. When Buck told her they were going to feed and play with the otters, Jee burst into tears. It took a moment before Buck realized she was just so excited she didn’t know how else to express it, and Buck made another mental note. He needed to kiss Eddie twice.
“I can’t believe zoos are just here and I never go!!”
Buck chuckled. “I was just waiting for you to be old enough to really enjoy it.”
“A otter took a nack out of my hand, Uncle Buck! I’m always old ‘nuff for that!”
“Fair point,” Buck said, still laughing. “Hey, look. What’s that?”
Jee turned where Buck was pointing and - not for the first time - her eyes grew wide and she gasped. “A raffe!”
“Wanna go see ‘em?”
“Y’OFCOURSELETSGORIGHTNOW!” Jee tugged on Buck’s hand, trying to pull him toward the giraffes, and Buck let her. He wondered how she’d take the news when he told her she would get to feed them, too. Would she cry again? Had she adjusted to the excitement? As expected, her response didn’t disappoint; Buck knelt down so he could be on her level when he told her they were feeding the giraffes and she clapped her hands onto either side of his face, pulled him real close, and screamed you better not be kidding! at point blank range. She’d never looked more like Chimney than right then.
The zoo staff loved her, because of course they did, and Buck beamed every time someone mentioned how well behaved or funny or adorable she was, playing his role as the proud uncle to a t. They ate their weight in chicken nuggets and junk food and by the time they were ready to leave, Jee had her head practically glued to Buck’s shoulder and was yawning almost as much as she was blinking. Still, that didn’t stop her from talking a mile a minute, trying to remind Buck of everything they’d done, lest he forget between the front gate and his truck. She fell asleep almost as soon as they pulled out of their parking spot, which made the hand off painless. Still, she woke up just enough to give Buck’s neck a tight squeeze and tell him she loved him, and Buck was sure he could live off of that one interaction for the next ten years. Who needed food or water? Buck had Jee’s love, and that was more than enough.
He stayed and visited with Chimney and Maddie for a bit, showing them all the photos and videos he hadn’t texted them, before finally saying he had to head back to the loft to finish packing. Maddie and Chimney exchanged a look when Buck told them he’d bought Eddie’s house, one that Buck was too tired to interpret, but they congratulated him and sent him on his way with hugs and well wishes.
The day was long and exhausting but in the best way, and it was all thanks to Eddie so, when his brain conjured up a very cozy dream in which Buck was married to his best friend, he chose not to freak out about it when he woke up.
“You’re going out tonight.”
Buck looked up from his pan of sweet potatoes just long enough to raise an eyebrow in the direction of the tape player. Since the zoo, Eddie had packed Buck’s schedule with various social engagements with the other members of the 118, as well as their extended family. He’d done laser tag with Chim, hiking with Ravi, and had even gone to a weird - but admittedly fun - fusion cooking class/competition thing with Bobby and May (they won). It had all been fun, Eddie’d knocked it out of the park on that front, but it was also all so demanding and there was still his job on top of that and it all had Buck starting to crave a quiet evening in.
“I know, I know, I’ve had you running a mile a minute lately. But just trust me on this, ok?”
“When have I not?” Buck asked, turning majority of his attention back to the stove.
“I’ve taken care of everything. You don’t even have to waste time trying to decide what to wear, it’s all taken care of. Hen & Karen will be over around 6:30 so you can get ready, and then the evening is in their hands. It won’t be crazy, I promise.”
Buck nodded. Going out with Hen and Karen made things a little more enticing; they were fun but smart, he could count on not getting carried away or doing anything stupid with them.
“But listen,” Eddie continued, his voice taking on a strange tone that had Buck once more turning away from the stove. “You’re gonna look good tonight, so I feel like I should probably say…tonight’s not about picking people up, ok? You come home the way you leave - with Hen and Karen. Ok?”
Buck turned fully, a small smile on his face. “What?”
“Not that I’m against you picking people up,” Eddie said. He was beginning to trip over his words a bit, and Buck’s smile grew. “That’s just not what tonight is about. I’m only mentioning it because you’re gonna have to turn people down, cuz you’ll…you know…”
“Look good?”
“Look good.”
Buck laughed. “What the fuck is happening right now?”
“It’s a strange rule, I’m sure. It’s just important to me that you focus on what tonight’s about.”
Buck shook his head and once more turned back to the stove. He wondered - albeit briefly - if Eddie was worried about Buck bringing someone home, but he didn’t entertain the thought for long. Buck was the only one having weird we’ve-been-married-for-a-decade dreams about the two of them, he was sure of it. Still, the thought of Eddie getting nervous to the point of being flustered imagining how Buck would look in the outfit he picked out for him was…kinda nice.
Eddie’s phone rang at 4 AM on the dot, which would have been annoying were it not for the fact that sleep wanted nothing to do with him. It was easy to pull his eyes away from his ceiling to see who was calling him at such an ungodly hour, and when he saw Buck’s contact photo light up the screen, he snatched the thing up so fast he nearly yanked the charging cord out of the wall. “Buck? Is everything alright?” The only response he got at first was some sort of scuffling sound, and he couldn’t help but frown. Why would Buck be calling him at 2 AM his time? Eddie didn’t have any more houses for him to buy, and unless—realization dawned on him at the same moment Buck’s voice finally blasted through the phone.
“Eddie?? Hen, shut up, I’m trying to hear Eddie!”
“Give me your phone, Buck!”
“You already have one, why do you need mine? Greedy.”
Relief washed over him and Eddie chuckled. “Buck, listen to Hen.”
“Eddie! Hi!”
“Hi, Buck.”
“It is four in the morning, Buck!”
“Doesn’t matter. Eddie was worried, so he’s still up. Right, Eddie?”
“I wouldn’t say I was worried.”
“Yes you were, you were talking fast. That means you were worried. But don’t worry! I’m going home alone!”
Eddie smiled, a warm feeling blooming in his chest. “That’s great, Buck.”
“Lots of people came to talk to me but I said nope, I have a boyfriend.” Buck dropped his voice to a whisper. “I don’t really have a boyfriend, I just showed them a picture of you.”
Eddie chuckled again and tried to ignore the heat rising in his face. “Good job.”
“Eddie said I did a good job!” There was a bit more scuffling, a yelp of protest from Buck, and a triumphant shout from Karen.
“Got it!” Karen yelled, her voice somewhat distant.
“Give him back!”
“You can have Eddie back when we get home. Hi, Eddie, so sorry we didn’t get to him sooner.”
“No worries, he was right. I wasn’t sleeping.”
“Oh really?”
“Stop it.” Eddie’s face grew warmer still. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind.”
“Like how tight the shirt you picked out for him is?”
“Like whether or not he was able to enjoy himself,” Eddie said with a laugh. “How was it?”
“We had a great time, to a point.”
“To a point?”
“Yeah, near the end of the night someone Buck knew came and asked about you, and when Buck told him you’d moved to Texas, he said, ‘finally shook ya, huh?’ Buck laughed at it but he got kinda quiet after and started finishing his drinks faster and, well…here we are.”
Eddie sighed. “He knows that’s not true.”
“I think he does, yeah, but that doesn’t stop comments like that from hurting.”
“What a jackass. Lemme talk to Buck again.”
“Sure you don’t want to wait until morning?”
“Yeah.”
“Ok. Buck! Eddie wants to talk to you.” Karen laughed. “I swear to god if he had a tail it’d be wagging. Oh, hold on, our Uber’s here.”
Eddie waited, laughing as Karen rejoined the other two and their bickering could be heard through the phone.
“Eddie!”
“Hey, Buck. How ya feeling?”
“Real good! Might throw up.”
“Do you have any water?”
“Hen has some.”
“Can you drink some of it for me?”
Buck sighed. “Gimme the water.”
“Finally.”
“I’m not drinking it for you. I’m drinking it for Eddie.”
Eddie laughed. “Buck, be nice to Hen.”
“She’s bullying me!”
“He’s just mad because I said he was drunk.”
“I’m not drunk!”
“You sound drunk,” Eddie said gently.
“I do?”
“Mmhmm. Where are we at with that water?”
“Oh yeah.” Eddie listened as Buck did as he was asked. “There, done.”
“Well, ideally not. Why don’t you work on that on the way home?”
“Can’t.”
“Why not?”
“Drank it all.”
Eddie barked a laugh that got Buck doing the same. “This is why Hen thinks you’re drunk.”
“Probably.” Buck yawned loudly, but didn’t say anything more.
“You sound tired.”
Another yawn. “Thought I sounded drunk.”
“You can sound like both. But hey…Karen mentioned something happened tonight.”
“You told him about Toby?”
“He asked.”
“No he didn’t, he doesn’t even like Toby.”
“You’re right, I don’t like him. And you know what he said was bullshit, right?”
“Yeah I know.”
“But?”
Buck was quiet for a moment. “But it was probably kind of true, right? I bet life in Texas is pretty chill.”
“So? That doesn’t mean I’m glad you’re not here.”
“I know.”
“I really miss you, Buck. A lot.” Eddie heard Buck sniffle quietly, and his heart broke a little.
“Miss you, too, Eds. Makes me feel real empty.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Not your fault. Chris is important. He’s the most important. Don’t be sorry.”
Eddie smiled. “Fair enough. And listen, this Texas thing might be for a long time, but I promise it won’t be forever, okay?”
“Okay.”
“Go ahead and give the phone back to Karen now.”
“Ok. Bye, Eddie.”
“Bye, Buck. Try to get some sleep.”
There was some more scuffling as the phone was handed over, and then: “Was it really necessary to make him cry?”
“I’m not crying!”
Eddie couldn’t help but laugh.
The idea for the tapes came seemingly out of nowhere.
With the exception of a singular argument between them, Buck had been nothing but supportive once Eddie had committed to moving. If they had a shift together, Buck came over after to help him pack, and the one day Eddie had a shift when Buck was off, he returned home to find that Buck had let himself in and had continued to pack and clean while Eddie was at work. He was all smiles and jokes and encouragement, but Eddie could see the sadness in his eyes and he wanted nothing more than for Buck to just let himself feel it while Eddie was still there to help him deal with it. But no, no…Buck was committed to being the supportive best friend, and as such any attempt Eddie made at getting him to admit he was hurting was met with a smile and a shrug and promptly tossed aside. The closest he came to admitting it was when Eddie had to turn down Buck’s offer to cook him dinner, because the kitchen had been completely packed. Buck had simply frozen in place, his eyes taking in the various boxes in the room, and Eddie wondered if it was finally sinking in, if Buck was finally going to let himself grieve. Then, as if a switch had been flipped, he was smiling again and ordering a pizza.
To say Eddie was worried about him was an understatement. He knew the others would be there for Buck in all the ways he’d need them, but he also knew there was a chance Buck wouldn’t reach out, and the thought of him dealing with all that sadness by himself, after they’d already agreed that Eddie’s focus when he first got to Texas would be Christopher and Christopher only…it was a shame there weren’t any life coaches that specialized in talking you down from the ledge after your best friend moved two states away and requested complete radio silence.
And then it hit him. He could be that life coach. Or rather, he could be there for Buck without physically being there, by leaving him messages that said all the things he wanted to say to Buck before he left, all the things Buck refused to let him say because he was ‘fine’. It was certainly going to be a large undertaking, one that would involve a lot of organization and planning, and when it came to that, well…there was really only one person who came to mind.
Karen was on board before Eddie even finished explaining his vision, and she had notes. The first was that he absolutely could not use voice memos.
“Buck’s not gonna listen to a voice memo,” she’d said, “and if you both agreed on a communication blackout, there’s a high chance a voice memo would give him a heart attack.”
“Then…what do you suggest?”
“Not sure yet, but we’ll come up with something, don’t worry.”
Eddie did all his big planning at Karen and Hen’s. They’d needed a detailed timeline to figure out when each recorded message would be delivered, as well as an extensive list of everyone who would be involved, what roles they would play, and when the best time was to inform them of said roles. The Wilsons had lent him their guest room for said planning and everything was laid out across several card tables, as well as most of the available wall space, and Eddie simply could not imagine being able to hide such an extensive plan from Buck were he to keep it all at his own place.
He really wasn’t sure when he thought to use cassette tapes, but when he’d floated the idea to Karen she’d almost knocked over one of the card tables in her excitement. So, that was decided. Eddie was glad he’d included Karen and Hen in his scheme, too, because they both helped him track down what he needed. The blank tapes were easy enough to find but the cassette player? That one had almost defeated them. Karen, angel that she was, was the one who eventually found one that suited Eddie’s needs.
Recording the tapes for Buck was a beast in and of itself, and Eddie hadn’t been prepared for how emotionally taxing it was. He’d needed to take a break after a couple of the earlier ones to just…cry. There was no doubt in his mind that moving closer to Christopher was the right move, but Buck was just…special. Eddie hated the idea of leaving him behind, had even considered hitting him over the head and shoving him in the passenger seat. If he hit him right and drove fast enough, he could probably get as far as Phoenix before Buck came to. But…Eddie knew that wouldn’t be necessary. He knew if he asked, Buck would absolutely uproot his entire life and move with him, no explanation needed. Eddie also knew, however, that Buck would be miserable in El Paso. No, the fact of the matter was, Buck’s entire life was in LA, and majority of Eddie’s was in El Paso, and it simply wasn’t possible for them to both remain in each other’s lives and chase what they were after. That was what had him in tears during the early tapes; he’d had to face that reality far earlier than he wanted to while recording and it hit far harder than he’d expected.
The sadness wasn’t the only emotion that took him by surprise, though. For the most part, the tapes had been harmless enough: a walk here, a talk there, a playlist to lift Buck’s spirits, stuff like that. But there were some that left Eddie feeling…strange. The first time he noticed it was when he mentioned Abby. Just saying her name left a bad taste in his mouth and he’d had to record that tape three times before he was convinced that Buck wouldn’t be able to pick up on how grumpy he sounded, and another two before he managed to say Abby’s name without spitting it, like the very thought of it burned him. And even then, he was in a funk for hours afterwards, unable to stop thinking about everything she’d done to Buck, how she’d broken his heart and hadn’t even had the decency to tell him that’s what she’d done. He’d had to figure it out himself and when he finally had, she came waltzing right back into his life and begged him to save her fiance’s. Eddie’d needed to buy Buck dinner to finally quell the anger inside him.
That same feeling reared its head a couple more times, but none as violently as when Eddie pictured Buck going out with Hen and Karen and getting hit on by every single person in LA. That one had driven him up a wall, and it had taken upwards of fifteen attempts for that tape to come out. And then, when he’d finally gotten it…his stupid fucking mouth just kept running. What was worse, he let it. It was just…too important not to. Buck liked compliments, and he was going to get a lot - of course he was, look at him - and Eddie needed him to know that that night was about him, not about whatever asshole decided to–
When it hit him, it did so like a semi-truck, knocking the wind clean out of his lungs and leaving him scrambling to remember how to breathe. He was jealous, of Abby and Tommy and whoever was going to get to see Buck in the outfit he’d picked out and really, whoever was going to get to see Buck period when Eddie couldn’t.
He’d practically run to Karen, trying to fight off the panic attack that clawed at his throat and left his chest hollow and icy. Under normal circumstances, she would have teased him about the revelation, but she could tell just by looking at him that Eddie was extremely fragile. “Why would I be jealous?” He managed to ask, and Karen could only sigh.
“You know why,” she said gently.
“But I don’t…I’m not…this doesn’t make any sense.”
“If it were anyone else, I’d let you have that. But it’s Buck. Nothing about you two has ever made sense, but it makes sense to you. Maybe that’s all that matters.”
“You think?”
“Jealousy aside, are you really that freaked out by the idea?”
Eddie took a moment to really think about it, about all the ways he’d allowed Buck to fit into his life and how perfectly he did so. He thought about how effortlessly Buck loved Christopher, how he was always there when Eddie needed him, and how Eddie was trying to avoid the pain of losing Buck just as much as Buck was avoiding the pain of losing him. It was all very different from how he’d expected to feel, but… “No,” he finally said, releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “I guess I’m not.”
“Are you gonna tell him?”
“I’m not an asshole,” Eddie said, shaking his head. “I can’t do that to him, this is going to be hard enough as it is.”
Karen studied him for a moment. “Do you…want to tell him?”
“No.”
“Not even if you weren’t moving?”
Eddie shook his head again. “Doesn’t matter. I am moving, and I’m not doing that to him.” He ran a hand through his hair. “It’ll be devastating if he feels the same way and awkward if he doesn’t, and I don’t want him getting in his head anymore than he already will.”
“Could be nice,” Karen offered, “could help him understand that you’re coming back.”
“Or it could be another person telling him they love him, only to turn around and walk out of his life. No, when I tell him, it’ll be when I’m moving back.”
Karen grinned at him. “When you tell him?”
“If.”
“You said when.”
“I also said you should shut up.”
“And when did you say that?”
It was Eddie’s turn to grin. “Just now.”
The tapes were somehow easier once Eddie’d accepted his feelings. He still got grumpy whenever he had to reference an old romantic partner or thought about people hitting on Buck, but it was easier to handle those feelings when he knew why he was feeling them. Surprisingly enough, being around Buck was easier, too. Eddie was more aware of little things, like how close they sat to each other, and how Buck’s ears blushed before his cheeks did, and how he would lean his whole weight into Eddie when he laughed. Before he knew it, he’d crafted an entire daily routine around Buck: recording the tapes for him while Buck was at work, spending as much time with him as possible when he wasn’t, and crying in the silent darkness of his bedroom when the weight of what he was giving up settled upon him.
The actual goodbye was uneventful; Eddie could tell Buck was trying to keep it together and couldn’t even chastise him for it, because he was doing the same. He hated the way Buck looked at him, the way his lips twisted up in a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, all because he thought anything else would be selfish. Eddie wanted to grab his shoulders and shake him and tell him to cry or be angry or even freak out, to do anything but stand there trying to make jokes and not-smiling. But he didn’t, because he wasn’t sure if that would betray his own hidden tears. So they stood in the rain, exchanging empty platitudes and refusing to acknowledge that Eddie’s leaving was going to hit them both hard. It didn’t make it any easier when Eddie checked the rearview mirror as he drove off and saw Buck standing there, shoulders slumped, looking every bit like an abandoned puppy. It took everything in him not to turn around, and even then, once he was sure Buck could no longer see him, Eddie pulled over and cried.
He’d almost cried again when Buck called him about the house. Eddie’d just gotten home from dinner at his parents, one that had unfortunately ended with him getting into a fight with not just his father, but also Christopher. It hadn’t been hardly a week since he’d moved out there, and he knew Christopher wasn’t going to jump into his arms right away, but being face to face with such clear disdain had been as humbling as it was heartbreaking. He’d felt isolated and alone when his phone lit up with Buck’s contact picture, and the relief he felt in that moment was palpable. Good ‘ole Buck, who always knew when Eddie needed him, who was always just a phone call away, who—who shouldn’t be calling him. All at once, the relief faded into panic and he hit the answer button so hard he worried he might have cracked his phone. But no, no, Buck was fine.
Or not, considering he was calling Eddie to buy his house. Or, as he put it, “our house”. And really, who was Eddie to argue with that? It was their house; Buck had made that kitchen his own, they’d raised Christopher together in that house, every single one of Eddie’s darkest moments had happened in the house and Buck had been there each and every time to catch him and help keep him on his feet. The more Buck talked about it, the more Eddie agreed - he didn’t want some stranger painting over their memories. He wanted them all safe in Buck’s hands, where they’d be cared for and appreciated and loved.
And shit if he didn’t want the same for himself.
But still, he couldn’t ask Buck to do that, couldn’t be like Abby and expect him to freeze his life in place until Eddie came back.
“When I came up with the idea I felt like…I don’t know…like I was finally able to release a breath I didn’t know I was holding.”
And…well, Eddie knew what that felt like, didn’t he? He knew what it felt like the have an epiphany so profound it made you breathe easier, knew what it would mean to Buck to be able to see this through. So, taking a deep breath of his own, Eddie simply nodded. “Ok.”
They spoke on the phone one other time after that, when Buck had called him drunk off his ass to announce that he was going home alone, and Eddie loved him all the more for it. You were talking fast, that means you’re worried. Little shit. Eddie couldn’t stop smiling after that conversation and had needed to make a concerted effort to not call Buck a good boy, despite knowing that it would have made his night. The point of the night was to have fun with friends that weren’t Eddie, not to get hit on. Not even by his best friend.
Still, if Eddie held his head a little higher for the next few days because Buck had told everyone they were boyfriends, well…no one had to know.
When he finally ended the communication blackout with a facetime call, Eddie had that releasing-a-breath feeling again. He and Christopher had had a good day, something that was becoming less rare, and Christopher had asked about Buck. He seemed almost scared to ask the question, giving his dad an odd look when Eddie said he didn’t know, but that he assumed Buck was doing ok. “We haven’t really talked,” he admitted. “We both agreed I should focus on fixing things with you first.”
Christopher’s jaw had dropped at that. “So when you and me were fighting you just…what? Came back to this boring house and stared at the walls? You didn’t even call him then?”
“The house isn’t boring!” Eddie insisted, and Christopher rolled his eyes.
“You think it’s boring, too, you just won’t say it out loud. You’ve been here almost three months and all your stuff is still in boxes, you’ve barely decorated, you don’t even call it home. You call it the house. Admit it, dad, you’ve got one foot in LA and the other on a return flight.”
Eddie frowned. “That’s not true, I’m…If you’re here, so am I.”
“I’m not saying you’re not present,” Christopher clarified. “I’m just saying, you don’t see this house as our home.” When Eddie didn’t respond, Christopher shrugged. “I don’t either. Home will always be in LA.”
“Probably shouldn’t have sold the house then, huh?”
Christopher’s jaw dropped for the second time. “You sold our house????”
“Yep.” Eddie pulled out his phone, already phoning Buck. “Had to, couldn’t afford to have two houses, not with California’s cost of living.”
“But…but…our house…”
Eddie had a second to ponder Christopher’s tone before Buck answered, a little breathless and positively glowing. Eddie couldn’t tell if he looked ethereal, or if he’d just forgotten how attractive Buck was, but either way he was rendered completely speechless.
“Eddie? And Christopher?!?? GUYS, C’MERE, IT’S THE DIAZES!!” Buck turned just in time to catch Hen, Chim, Ravi, May, and Jee all come running into frame, yelling Eddie and Chris at the same time.
“What…” Eddie laughed a little as Christopher crowded his phone, trying to see everyone. “What’s going on?”
“Barbecue,” Buck said, like it should have been obvious. “God, Chris, what are you, as tall as your dad now?”
Christopher didn’t laugh. Instead, he leaned forward and squinted. “Buck, are you…in our house?”
“Uh, kinda?” Buck’s eyes flicked to Eddie, but there were no answers to find there. Eddie was still absolutely awestruck.
“Do you know the person who bought it? Do we know them?”
“Yeah,” Buck said, starting to laugh. “You know him pretty well.”
“That’s a little better, I guess.” Christopher slumped back and crossed his arms. “Can you believe he sold it?”
“Well, yeah. He had to. Not like he can afford to be hemorrhaging cash right now.”
“See? Buck gets it.”
“Yeah, well, who told you to move out here in the first place?”
There was a bite to his words that Eddie definitely felt, and it must have been obvious because Buck was suddenly moving to another, much quieter room.
“No one had to tell me,” Eddie said carefully. “It was what I needed to do to be a part of your life.”
“And who said I wa—”
“Think about that,” Buck said quickly, cutting Christopher off. “Think about those words real carefully before you say them, because they can’t be unsaid.” His voice was stern in a way that Eddie had never heard him be with Christopher before, and it seemed to have caught them both off guard. “Sorry,” he said suddenly. “I probably should have hung up, but this was about the house, so I figured I should probably be a part of the conversation. I can go if…”
“No,” Eddie said, “it’s fine.”
“I bought the house, Chris. So whatever venom you’ve got locked and loaded for your dad, maybe reconsider? Your room is still here, you’ll always have a home here, ok? Both of you will.”
Christopher’s eyes bounced between Eddie and Buck, his mouth working to form words that did not want to be found. Finally, because nothing seemed to be the proper response, Christopher started crying. “I’m sorry,” he said to Eddie, “I just…I thought you got rid of our home. I thought we were stuck here.”
Eddie pulled Christopher into a crushing hug and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. “No, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you cared about the house so much, I wouldn’t have teased you if I’d known.”
“I thought you liked El Paso,” Buck said. He was frowning, clearly frustrated that he couldn’t crawl through the screen and join the hug. “Your grandma kept saying you were having a lot of fun out there.”
“Fun, yeah, sure. But I don’t wanna live here forever.”
“Good,” Buck said, trying to sound casual. “Cuz I don’t want you to live there forever, either.”
Christopher wiped at his eyes, trying to stay the tears. “My room’s really still there?”
“Yeah. Jee’s got an eye for interior decorating, too. She just always knows when a room needs more princesses and dinosaurs.” Buck lowered his voice to a whisper, “yours has both.”
That got a delightful laugh out of Christopher. “I trust her judgement.”
Christopher and Buck talked a while longer, just catching up on various things they’d missed in each other’s lives, laughing and feigning offense as they took gentle digs at each other. And then, with a yawn, Christopher announced he was going to bed.
And then it was just Eddie and Buck.
Eddie took a deep breath and let it out all at once. “Crisis averted,” he said, smiling at Buck. “Thanks.”
“Of course.” Buck paused for a minute. “You know he would have regretted it as soon as he said it.”
“Still glad he didn’t get to, that would have been a punch to the gut too many. Seriously, thank you.”
Buck shrugged. “I love the kid but even I’m not gonna let that slide, you don’t deserve that at all. And he knows that.”
“Yeah,” Eddie nodded. “I should, uh, let you get back to your barbecue.”
“Nah,” Buck said. He fell back onto his bed and gave Eddie a big smile. “They’ll survive without me. How are things out there?”
Eddie tried not to show how thrilled he was that Buck was refusing to hang up, but he knew a little of it was coming through. If Buck noticed, however, he didn’t let on. “They’re going pretty well, actually. Aside from what you just witnessed, Christopher’s been coming around I think. He spends most nights here now and we talk more than we argue…it’s slow going but we’re getting there.”
“Hey, that’s amazing Eds! I’m happy for both of you!”
“Thanks, Buck, really. I…I was starting to worry it wasn’t gonna happen.”
“What? No way, Christopher loves the fuck outta you! He just had to work through some stuff, that’s all.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Fuck a maybe, if there’s anything I know it’s my Diaz boys. Trust me on this.”
Eddie was once more struck by how good Buck looked. His curls were more pronounced than usual, which meant he’d taken a shower recently and not bothered with drying his hair, and the hoodie he wore made him look so soft and huggable, and made his eyes seem even bluer. And that smile…had he always looked like that? Or was it a new development? A thought took hold then, making his stomach roll and his blood run cold. “What’s uh…new with you?” Eddie swallowed hard. “Seeing anyone?”
“What? What made you ask that?”
Eddie shrugged. He was going for nonchalance, but was worried he only achieved I-want-to-throw-up. “You just look…effervescent.”
“First off, good word. Second, why does that mean I’ve met someone?”
“You’re practically glowing, Buck, it’s not that far of a stretch to assume something good happened.”
“Yeah, something good happened. My best friend called me.”
Eddie blinked at the phone, his brain failing to process what he’d been told. “What?”
“I missed you, sue me.”
“No I get that just…you look…”
Ethereal. Delectable. Marry-able.
“…amazing.”
Buck batted his eyelashes. “Aw shucks, Eds! You keep that up and I might do something frowned upon in the Bible.”
Eddie knew he was just teasing, that he wasn’t really flirting, but that didn’t keep his whole face from turning bright red at the implication. “O-oh yeah?” His heart was pounding so loud, he was certain Buck could hear it but…Buck said he was glowing because he was talking to Eddie, he was flirting and looked phenomenal and he wasn’t dating anyone thank god and…well, Eddie was only human. And really, when was he going to get another chance like this? “Do it then,” he said, his blood rushing in his ears. “You won’t.”
That caught Buck off guard. “Uh, like…I’m…w…what?” Eddie was sure he was imagining it, but it was getting late and he was tired, so he let himself believe that Buck was legitimately flustered. It made sense; Buck was always playing with the line, flirting with Eddie here and there to make him laugh, and Eddie usually just ignored it. He had no reason to expect any push back.
“Called it. Shame, really, I was looking forward to it.” Eddie wanted to die, he wanted the ground to swallow him up before he could dance on this strange line any longer.
“You were what?”
Eddie sighed, somehow managing to conceal how far out of his comfort zone he was. He imagined the way Buck looked, off balance and flustered, was helping with that. “You act so cocky when it comes to this stuff but the second someone asks you to put your money where your mouth is, you’re a blushing mess.” Eddie shook his head, his tongue clicking and making a tsk tsk tsk sound. “It’s cute, though, so I guess there’s that.”
“It…I…you…!!”
Eddie grinned. “That’s it, baby, just keep talking dirty to me.” Death sounded delightful, if he was being honest.
“Jesus Christ.” Buck covered his face, but Eddie could see that he was laughing. He could also see that Buck was blushing from his ears to what Eddie could see of his chest.
“No, just me.”
Buck rolled his eyes. “Having fun?”
“Kinda.”
“You can’t just…just…say stuff like that with no warning, I wasn’t prepared!”
“You started it.”
“And you’re lucky you’re hot.”
They both laughed, the absurdity of the conversation finally settling over them.
“I meant it, by the way,” Buck said suddenly.
“About me being hot? Thanks.”
Buck rolled his eyes. “About you and Chris always having a home here.”
“Except there’s a squatter in my room.”
“Not a squatter if I pay rent!” Buck chuckled. “But seriously. Just say the word, and I’ll be back on the couch.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“Oh?”
“I’m just saying, I’m not kicking you out of your bed.”
“I’d be offering, obviously.” Buck grinned. “Though, keep flirting and we might just end up sharing it.”
“Evan Buckley, are you suggesting I pay rent in more salacious ways?”
Buck threw his head back and laughed at that, and Eddie let the sound wash over him. “Could you imagine? Yeah, that’s the price for coming home, you have to sacrifice your straight card.”
“So you do have an agenda.”
That got another laugh. “Shit, Eds, I think you missed your calling. You shoulda been a comedian.”
“Nah, I’m not actually funny, you’re just trying to get in my pants.”
Buck threw a hand up. “You got me, officer.”
“I knew it.”
“You’re still damn funny, though,” Buck said with a chuckle.
Eddie smiled. “Hey, am I…this isn’t a business call, right?”
“Well, seeing as you called me, I think that’s entirely up to you.” Buck tilted his head slightly, one eyebrow raised, and Eddie’s smile grew. “Why?”
“Just wondering if I’m allowed to say I miss you this time.”
“Oh. Yeah, of course. I miss you, too, Eds.”
“El Paso sucks,” Eddie said, sighing as he flopped back on his couch. “My kid thinks my house is boring and I think I agree with him.”
“But you have said kid back in your life, so there’s that.”
“Yeah, there is that.”
“This Texas thing might be for a long time, but it won’t be forever.” Eddie must have made a face, because Buck laughed again. “I told you I wasn’t drunk!”
“You were pretty well and drunk, Buck.”
“Fine, but I still remembered everything.”
“So you remember preening when I said good job.”
“Please, that’s nothing. Sometimes I dream about being married to you, and I’m the picture of a perfect husband, fueled solely by praise and compliments.”
“…what?”
“What? You don’t dream about being married to me?”
Eddie couldn’t tell if Buck was kidding or not. He said it easily enough, all casual and soft smiles and blushy cheeks, but what he was admitting wasn’t very casual at all. Or was it? Maybe in Buck’s mind it was perfectly normal, even a little silly. In fact, maybe that’s why he was bringing it up in the first place; the idea of being married to Eddie was just so silly to him, he thought it’d get a laugh out of Eddie, too.
Eddie didn’t think it silly. In fact, Eddie liked when he had those dreams. And maybe that was what Buck was doing: testing the waters, seeing if Eddie dreamed about him, too. He could also be drunk, that was also an option. In fact, the more Eddie thought about it, the more sense it made. Buck was probably just drunk.
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“Are you drunk now?” Eddie asked.
Laughter bubbled out of Buck involuntarily. “How would I be drunk?”
“That confession just kinda came out of nowhere,” Eddie said.
Buck continued to laugh. “No, no I’m not drunk.”
“That’s exactly what drunk Buck would say.”
Buck laughed harder at that. “Eddie, I’m not drunk.”
“Probably are. Probably drunk when you dream about being married to me, too.” Eddie shrugged. “Which honestly kinda hurts cuz I think I could be a decent husband. And yeah I don’t have a great track record but I don’t think I’d be so bad as to drive you to dream drink.”
“Eddie, please.” Buck could hardly speak he was laughing so hard. Tears gathered at the corner of his eyes, nothing crazy but Eddie noticed anyway. Eddie always noticed.
“Oh great, now you’re crying. Dream me sucks at being a husband, wow.”
“Stop. I…can’t…breathe!”
Eddie smiled, unable to deny the effects of Buck’s laughter any longer. “Can’t have that,” he said gently.
“Come on,” Buck said, once he’d finally been able to downgrade his laughter to soft giggles. “You mean to tell me you’ve never dreamed about me?”
There was something in his voice, a small note of insecurity that Eddie wanted to squash right away. “Sure.” He shrugged. “Of course I dream about you. All the time since moving out here, honestly.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Mine have increased since you moved, too.“
“If Chim were involved in this call he’d say something about us being horribly co-dependant.”
“And he’d be right. Cuddling by yourself just doesn’t hit the same.”
Eddie made a face. “You make it sound like we cuddled before.”
Buck raised an eyebrow. “We absolutely did.”
“We did not! I’d remember that!”
“Oh, not if it all happened,” Buck tapped at his temple, “up here.”
“You…what? Before I left?”
Buck nodded and ducked his head slightly, unsure if he should have admitted to that. “Uh…yeah? Not on purpose. Sometimes I’d just…but I never meant to, not in a romantic sense. But we were close and you meant a lot to me and sometimes my mind would just get away from me. It was only ever cuddling, I promise, and I mean, that’s normal. I’ve always been kinda touchy and you and I have never really had boundaries like that so like, yeah, I can wanna cuddle my friends, what about it?”
“Friends?” Eddie asked. “Plural?”
“I mean…no. It was only ever you. B-but that—”
“Good.”
“What?”
“What?” Eddie was appalled with himself. What the fuck was that? Sure he didn’t want Buck to feel insecure but being possessive?
“Did you say good?” Buck asked. Eddie couldn’t read his facial expression, which only served to amp his anxiety up to ten thousand. “So I’m only allowed to not-cuddle you, is that it?”
“I mean…that’s my right, as your best friend.”
“I see,” Buck said, that strange expression still on his face. “So that’s all that was. You don’t want me to have another best friend.”
“Exactly.” Oh what Eddie wouldn’t give for this conversation to end.
“If I did, would you say you’d be…jealous?”
Eddie swallowed hard. “Depends.”
“On?”
“This is silly,” Eddie said, forcing a laugh. “I mean…what is this?”
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out,” Buck said carefully.
“It’s silly,” Eddie said again. “That’s what it is.”
“Even so, I’d like you to answer my question.”
Eddie wanted to cry. Was Buck mad? Uncomfortable? Was he trying to see if he needed to end their friendship? That was probably it. He knew Eddie was in love with him, knew he wanted to fucking date him, and he was disgusted. Why couldn’t Eddie have just kept his fucking mouth shut, why did he have to
“Eddie,” Buck said, his voice cutting through all the noise and helping ground him. “Breathe.”
“Yeah,” Eddie said, taking a deep breath and realizing only then how badly he needed one. “I…sorry I’m just…”
“Tired?” Buck offered. Eddie could tell by the look in his eyes that Buck didn’t believe that, but he was offering it anyway. He was giving Eddie an out.
“No just…” Eddie took another deep breath. “Worried you might think I’m weird if I say yes.”
“Yes?”
“Yes, I’d be jealous if you had a new best friend.”
Buck stared at Eddie, unimpressed. “You thought that I - me, Evan Buckley, the person who broke your ankle because I thought you liked Tommy more than me - you thought I would think you were weird if you said you’d be jealous?”
“You didn’t break my ankle,” Eddie mumbled. “And I was kind of ignoring you.”
“That’s not…we’re not having this conversation again. Point is, of course I’m not gonna think you’re weird. And if I do, well, then it means I’m weirder so at the very least I won’t be judging.”
Eddie sighed. “Well…and I mean it’s not like it’s the first time I’ve acted jealous around you.” He cleared his throat. “About you.”
Buck smirked. “Oh yeah?”
“Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about.”
“Hmmm…” Buck made a big show of thinking really hard, before finally nodding. “You can’t go home with anyone,” he said, his tone light but mocking. “Yeah, you were kinda obvious with that one.”
Eddie laughed quietly. Why he’d ever been nervous about admitting anything to Buck was becoming a bit of a mystery to him. Talking to Buck was always comfortable, he never made Eddie feel stupid or wrong or gross, or any of the things his brain said he would be for harboring feelings for his best friend. “Did you really tell people I was your boyfriend?”
“All night!” Buck said it without even a hint of embarrassment, and Eddie allowed himself a brief moment to imagine how nice it would be if that were true.
“And it worked?”
“I was very convincing.” Buck laughed. “God, look at your face! If I didn’t know better I’d say you were pleased. Kind of possessive, aren’t we, Diaz?”
“You’re no better.”
“Never claimed to be, just think it’s interesting, that’s all.” Buck shrugged. “And maybe I kinda like it.”
“So we’re back to flirting, I see.”
“As if I ever stopped.”
Eddie shook his head. “You really should get back to your guests.”
Buck made a face. “They’re not guests, it’s just Bobby and everyone.”
“Still, we’ve been talking for a while. Don’t let me make you a rude host.”
“They know I’m talking to you,” Buck said with a shrug. “They get it.” He thought for a moment, something suddenly dawning on him. “Unless you want the call to be over? Ah, I overdid it with the flirting, didn’t I? I’m just messing around, Eds, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable, sorry.”
“You didn’t,” Eddie said quickly. “No, no, Buck, it’s fine. I’m ok with the flirting, I kinda like it, honestly.”
“Oh really?”
“That doesn’t mean—”
“We’re taking it up a notch!”
“Of course we are.”
Buck dropped his voice comically low. “Hey brown eyes, come here often?”
“Not as often as I’d like.”
“And Diaz knocks it outta the fuckin park again!”
Buck looked up as a soft knock sounded at the door. Eddie couldn’t hear the ensuing conversation outside of Buck’s replies, but it was enough for him to gather that Buck’s absence had been clocked and would no longer be tolerated.
“Told you,” Eddie said with a smile. “Go, get back to your guests.”
“They’re not guests,” Buck said again. “They’re family, and they’re yours, too. They miss you, you know.”
Eddie blinked and tried to swallow past the lump in his throat. “I miss them, too.”
“Wanna say goodbye to everyone?”
“Maybe next time.” Eddie ducked his head slightly, trying to hide his face. “It’s a bit more than I can handle tonight, I think.”
“Ok. I’ll pass it along, then.”
“Thank you.”
“Eddie?”
Eddie looked up then, immediately clocking the shift in Buck’s tone. There had been a sort of aloofness in it for majority of the phone call that was absent now, replaced by the raw sincerity he usually reserved for late night conversations. “Yeah?”
“I miss you, too.”
“Yeah, I miss you, too, Buck. Every day.”
“Decorate your house,” Buck added. “I don’t want you miserable while you’re out there.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“If you want you can call me and I’ll help. And tell Chris I miss him?”
“I’m sure he knows, but I’ll pass it along.”
“He’s so tall.”
“You have no idea. When you see him in person you’re gonna cry, kid shot up like a weed.”
“I, uh…I guess I’ll let you go.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“...yeah…”
“Yeah.”
“What are we doing?”
“Waiting for you to hang up?”
“Me? You hang up!” Eddie heard the statement as soon as he said it. “Oh my god, we’re not doing this.”
Buck laughed, raising his voice a bit higher than normal. “No, you hang up first.”
“This is ridiculous, we’ll hang up at the same time.”
“Nah, you hang up. You called, you hang up. That’s the rule.”
“Since whe–I’m not arguing with you anymore, this is silly. Good bye, Buck.”
“Bye Eddie. Love you.”
Eddie managed to splutter a what? before Buck slammed his finger down on the end call button and threw his phone like it had burned him. It hit the floor far harder than he was comfortable with, but any inclination he had to scoop it up and make sure it was undamaged was quelled when Eddie’s contact photo lit up the screen. Buck’s blood ran cold and he decided he didn’t have it in him to deal with that and instead left his phone where it was as he slipped out of the room.
“There he is!” Chimney exclaimed, smile wide. “So, how’s the husband?”
“Doing great, Chim, said he misses all of you.”
“Apparently,” Chimney said, pulling out his phone. “What’s he calling me for?”
“Don’t answer that!” Buck said, lunging for Chimney’s phone.
“Hen!” Chimney yelled at the last second, tossing his phone in her direction. She caught it easily and accepted the call.
“Eddie, hi! Fancy meeting you here.”
Buck glared at Hen, miming that she needed to hang up the phone immediately, but he was promptly ignored.
“Buck? Yeah, he’s right here. No. I mean I can try but he’s currently threatening to kill me if I don’t hang up so I don't think so.” Hen studied Buck for a moment. “Yeah, I guess you could say he’s panicking. Uh-huh…uh-huh…Buck, Eddie said to stop panicking.”
“Eddie can’t tell me what to do, he’s in Texas.”
“He said you can’t tell him what to do because you’re in Texas. Uh-huh. Ok.” Hen made a face. “Are you sure? In front of everyone?” Hen listened closely, shrugged, and yelled out to Buck. “Eddie said–” she laughed, scanned the room, and laughed again. “Eddie said be a good boy and listen anyway.”
Buck’s brain completely malfunctioned. “In front of everyone?” He yelled, echoing Hen.
“What were you two doing in that room?” Chimney asked, appalled.
Hen barked a laugh. “Eddie said you know what. Oh my god, Diaz.”
Buck’s face was a shade of red he’d not previously known existed. “We just talked.”
“Flirted, too,” Hen said, before adding, “Eddie's words.”
All eyes turned toward Buck, who flushed a deeper shade of red still. “I’m…we were just…I don’t need to explain myself to you!”
“Oh he’s turned purple and is about to storm out.” Hen paused. “You’re sure? Like sure sure? Okay.” Hen smiled. “Eddie said I love you too.” She raised an eyebrow. “Too?”
“This is not happening,” Buck said, running a hand over his reddened face. When no one looked away, he sighed. “I might have let a love you slip when we were saying goodbye.”
The room erupted in noise, but the only thing Buck could hear clearly was Hen telling Eddie “I’m gonna let you go so we can deal with him. Yes, of course we’ll go easy on him, don’t worry. Your boy’ll come out of this in one piece.”
Eddie laughed as the line went dead. He typed out a quick apology text to Buck before taking himself to bed, where he stared at the ceiling until four am, spiraling about everything he’d said to Buck earlier that evening.
He woke the next morning to a rather lengthy text message from Buck.
BUCK: you’re sorry? Everyone we know tore me to pieces last night and you’re SORRY?
BUCK: also, for the record, I wasn’t panicking.
BUCK: there was no reason to panic. Like. You know I love you. Duh. So. I wasn’t panicking.
BUCK: ALSO. I dreamed about you again last night. We were, of course, married, but I had a terminal illness (I’ll allow you a moment to grieve, as I’m sure you’re absolutely devastated to receive this news)
BUCK: …
BUCK: ANYWAY, I had a terminal illness and I fucking DIED Eddie. And you had me cremated and you bought me this fancy urn and it was all very sweet until you fucking DROPPED ME. YOU DROPPED ME, EDDIE. AND I WENT EVERYWHERE. And you know what you did? YOU KNOW WHAT YOU FUCKING DID? You VACUUMED ME UP. LIKE I WAS JUST DIRT.
BUCK: needless to say I’m pissed at you now so. Don’t talk to me.
EDDIE: I didn’t even empty the vacuum before I cleaned you up?
BUCK: …you know, I hadn’t realized that. Now I’m mad at you AGAIN.
EDDIE: AGAIN? When did you stop being mad?
BUCK: I fell asleep again and had a better dream.
EDDIE: oh?
BUCK: yeah. You died this time and I got to vacuum YOU up. Didn’t even drop you, either, just sucked you up right out of the urn.
EDDIE: wow.
BUCK: you deserved it.
EDDIE: I highly doubt that. What did I ever do to you?
BUCK: YOU THREW ME TO THE WOLVES LAST NIGHT
EDDIE: well, ok. Fair.
BUCK: I ACCIDENTALLY TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU IN CONFIDENCE, YOU KNOW? AND YOU BETRAYED ME.
EDDIE: Can’t believe you only accidentally love me
BUCK: oh brother.
EDDIE: I intentionally love you, cuz you know, I feel like you matter and stuff. But if loving ME is just an afterthought…
BUCK: threw me to the wolves
EDDIE: bc you don’t love me like I deserve
BUCK: so it WAS calculated
EDDIE: so was dropping you
BUCK: GASP
EDDIE: and vacuuming you up
BUCK: GASP AGAIN BUT MORE OFFENDED?
EDDIE: teach you to only love me on accident
BUCK: ugh, you make a good point. Ok. I’ve changed my ways. I will love you with intention from this moment forward.
EDDIE: good. Cuz you’re never gonna find a better dream husband than me and you need to start dream appreciating that.
BUCK: baby, I dream WORSHIP you.
Eddie paused, willing the rising warmth away from his face. Oh to hear Buck call him “baby” and mean it…how wonderful would that be?
EDDIE: That’s more like it
BUCK: Not that this isn’t fun but, I gotta go. I have a lunch date.
EDDIE: Oh? With who? Anyone I know?
BUCK: yeah
EDDIE: …?
BUCK: what if I just stopped responding?
EDDIE: not funny, Buck. With who?
BUCK: I don’t have to tell you. I’m allowed to have secrets.
EDDIE: I mean yeah, sure, but why would you WANT to keep secrets from me?
BUCK: maybe I’m worried you’ll crash out and sabotage it
EDDIE: Buck please. I don’t even know what ‘crash out’ means, I’m just curious
BUCK: would you say you’re…jealous?
EDDIE: Buck.
BUCK: would you say you’re…upset?
EDDIE: I just want to know who you’re having lunch with, you didn’t mention anybody last night so I’m just. curious.
EDDIE: wait which tape are you on today?
BUCK: DAMMIT.
EDDIE: Crisis averted
BUCK: so it was a crisis, was it?
EDDIE: you already know I get jealous, idk what you’re trying to do here.
BUCK: Maybe I just like it when you say you’re jealous.
BUCK: Maybe I like it when you act like I’m yours.
Eddie stared at the words Buck had typed, his eyes wide. Surely he was just messing around, right? He didn’t actually mean that. Buck was…amazing. Perfect, even. What could Eddie possibly offer him that he couldn’t get from literally anyone else?
BUCK: Eddie?
BUCK: I know I probably deserve it after that but please don’t leave me on read.
BUCK: I’m freaking out enough already
BUCK: Actually I’m gonna go. Uh, talk to you later? I hope?
Eddie stared at the string of text messages, wanting to respond but being at a complete loss as to how.
BUCK: ok.
BUCK: I’m sorry, Eddie. Take all the time you need.
Buck turned his phone off and left it by his bed, beside the cassette tape he no longer had any desire to listen to. Listening to Eddie be kind and thoughtful and caring while also knowing that he didn’t want anything to do with Buck any longer was just…too much. He’d get over it, of course he would. He always did. And hopefully Eddie could, too, and they’d be able to move forward with some semblance of the friendship they once had, but in that moment…he just needed to be alone. Problem was, even alone, Eddie was still everywhere he looked, because Buck had gone and bought his damn house. And flirted with him. And told him he loved him and liked it when he was possessive of him and…what the fuck had gotten into him? Eddie flirted back one time and suddenly everything was fair game? Buck used to be more aware than that, more careful.
When he finally couldn’t take it any longer, he went for a walk. He didn’t have a destination in mind, he just needed to get out of that house and away from everything that reminded him of Eddie…of what he’d lost. He was out for hours, returning back to the house only because it started hailing - couldn’t even just rain of course the universe had to pelt him with tiny frozen stones out of spite - and then he did what heartbroken Evan Buckley did best: he started baking. He made all sorts of sweets and pastries, working well into the night, until every last ounce of flour was gone, and all the dishes were dried and all the baked goods were packaged up in little bundles so he could more easily give them out to the people he hadn’t chased off yet. And then, still covered in flour but too exhausted to do anything about it, Buck fell back into bed. He was asleep before his phone could even cross his mind.
He was startled awake the next morning when someone started frantically pounding on his front door. He stumbled out of bed, on high alert but also still half asleep, and didn’t even check to see who it was before he pulled the door open.
“Oh thank god!” Maddie said, throwing her arms around her brother.
Buck stumbled back a bit before catching himself and returning Maddie’s embrace. “Maddie? Is everything alright?”
“I should be asking you that!” She stepped back and punched him in the shoulder. “Why aren’t you answering your phone?”
“Oh…it’s turned off. Were you trying to call me?”
“Yes! So was Chim, and Bobby, and Hen, and Karen and Ravi and whoever else Eddie called in a panic.”
Buck heard Eddie and panic and did just that. “What? Why? Is something wrong? Are Eddie and Christopher alright?”
“Oh my god you really have no idea,” Maddie said. “Eddie called us about you, Evan. I thought the poor guy was gonna start crying.”
“Me?”
“Yes. I guess you two were talking yesterday and then you went radio silent and after nearly 24 hours of no responses, he got worried. He’s been calling everyone in a panic because no one can get a hold of you.” She pulled out her phone and typed out a quick message before fixing Buck with a disappointed glare. “What the hell is going on?”
“I…I fucked up, Maddie.” Buck dropped onto the couch, defeated and on the verge of tears. “The past couple days, things between me and Eddie have felt…fuzzy? Like I don’t know where the line is, and he doesn’t either.”
“The line?”
“Between friends and…something else.”
“Ah. Yeah, that was definitely the consensus after the barbecue.”
“Well, yesterday we were still being kinda flirty over text and I just…went for it. Said I liked it when he acted like I was his.”
“And he reacted badly?”
“He didn’t react at all, Maddie, he just stopped talking to me.” Buck laughed then, the sound bitter and wet. “Literally my worst nightmare. So I just…I apologized and told him to take all the time he needed, and then I turned my phone off.” He smiled at his sister weakly. “Self-care.”
“Did it occur to you at any point that someone else might need to get a hold of you?”
“No,” Buck admitted. “I was too busy spiraling about how I’d ruined the best relationship I’d ever had.”
Maddie placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. “I doubt you ruined it.”
“He didn’t even try to make me feel better.” Buck’s voice shook slightly. “He always tries to make me feel better.”
“Maybe he was just surprised.” Maddie pulled her phone out again and smiled. “There, see? Everyone’s glad that you’re alright. And Eddie’s requested that you call him, when you feel up to it.”
Buck felt shame wash over him. “You guys made a group chat?”
“We were worried.”
“God, Maddie, I’m so sorry, I really wasn’t thinking. I just…it was the first time since he moved that I felt like I really lost him and I didn’t know what to do.”
Maddie sat beside him and hugged him again, this one far more comforting than the last. “He’s been so worried about you, Evan, to the point of not making any sense. But you know the first thing he said to me? I fucked up, Maddie. He was so certain he hurt you, and he was devastated over it. That doesn’t seem like someone who doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore, does it?” She smiled. “And then here you are, thinking the same exact thing.”
“I feel so stupid, I really am sorry I worried everyone.”
“Technically you worried Eddie, and he worried everyone.”
“Even still.”
Maddie sighed. “Are you ok? Do you need me to stay while you call Eddie?”
Buck shook his head slowly. “No, go home. Hug your kids and try to wind down. I’m sure you’re absolutely keyed up after all of that.”
“Well…if you’re sure.”
“I’m sure. I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to cause so much trouble.”
“Well, next time maybe just let someone know you’re dropping off the grid, deal?”
“Deal.” Buck walked her to the door and hugged her one more time before sending her on her way. Then, he made breakfast and ate slowly, trying to think of what he’d say to Eddie once he finally got up the nerve to call him. Eventually he made his way back to his bedroom and turned his phone back on, only to be immediately bombarded by a thousand messages. Some were from Maddie and Athena and everyone at the 118, but most of them were from Eddie. Texts, missed calls, voice notes, voice mails, all came flooding in at once, and Buck had to set his phone down again for a moment because it was all so overwhelming. Once it stopped vibrating, he once more picked it up and opened his conversation with Eddie. It took a bit of scrolling, but eventually he found where he’d left off.
EDDIE: oh, whoa, hey, no! Why are you apologizing?
EDDIE: you’ve got nothing to apologize for! I just…shit, I don’t know, I wasn’t expecting that.
EDDIE: I’m not against it!! I’m just a little frazzled, I guess?
EDDIE: I don’t know what to say.
EDDIE: honestly I’ve been doing a lot of, soul searching I guess? Trying to reconcile a few things. Mostly to do with you.
EDDIE: ah, I really didn’t want to do this through text. Or while I was in Texas for that matter.
EDDIE: can I call you? I’d really rather TALK about this, if that’s ok.
EDDIE: right. The tape. You’re probably busy. Ok. Call me later then?
EDDIE: hey it’s been a few hours, I know you said you were freaking out but is everything alright?
EDDIE: I’m sorry I took so long to respond, I really was just shell shocked.
EDDIE: please don’t be embarrassed.
EDDIE: Buck, I really want to talk about this. Can I call you? Please?
[5 missed calls from EDDIE]
EDDIE: ok I’m actually getting worried
EDDIE: if you’re mad at me, or you just don’t want to talk to me, I get that. But can you please just tell me you’re ok?
EDDIE: I’M freaking out now. It’s been half a day, Buck. I’m not even concerned about talking things out anymore, I’m just concerned, full stop. Are you ok?
[15 missed calls from EDDIE]
EDDIE: Evan, please. Don’t make me call your sister.
EDDIE: Hen said she’s just getting sent straight to voicemail, too.
EDDIE: no one has heard from you. Please just let someone know you’re alive.
[34 missed calls from EDDIE]
EDDIE: please be ok
EDDIE: just heard from Maddie. I’m glad you’re ok. Please call me when you get a chance.
EDDIE: sorry for freaking out on you, by the way.
Guilt twisted in Buck’s gut as he scrolled back through Eddie’s messages to play the voice notes. They were similar to the texts, starting out nervous but mostly fine and growing more concerned with each one. Worse than the texts, however, was the fact that Buck could hear the worry and panic in Eddie’s voice as the notes went on. The last one, the one right before Maddie told everyone he was fine, absolutely crushed his heart. Eddie sounded devastated, at the end of his rope and running on fumes, like he hadn’t slept a wink. Buck knew he’d probably stayed up, wanting to be awake for whatever discovery the crew in California made and trying not to show how worried he was so as to not panic Christopher.
“Hey, um…I don’t…shit, ok. Maddie’s stopping by our place. I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have called her but as Christopher would say I’ve got one foot in LA and the other ready to purchase a ticket for a return flight. Christopher is, too, honestly, though he’s not as panicked. He thinks you just forgot to plug your phone in and you haven’t noticed. God I hope he’s right, I hope Maddie goes to our place and you’re just…there. Oblivious to the fact that I’m losing my fucking mind over here. I hate this, I hate being so fucking far away. Why didn’t I just bring you with me? You should be here. Or…or maybe we should be there…? Buck please just answer one of us. Just tell me you’re ok cuz the not knowing is gonna kill me. I’m not mad at you, I’m not…why did you apologize? You didn’t need to do that, you didn’t do anything wrong. I’m just in this weird fucking place right now, I…there was this priest a while back, you know? And he gave me this weird speech about choosing juice and choosing joy and I just…I thought I couldn’t. Like that wasn’t an option for me. Cuz joy is having Christopher AND you, and I can’t. I had to choose. And then you just…you sent me that text and it was like, maybe not? Maybe I didn’t have to choose, maybe I COULD have you both. But then I got in my head, maybe you were just fooling around, it wouldn’t be out of the realm of possibility. And I just stunned myself into inaction. I wanted to respond, Buck, I did. But my brain chose that exact moment to leak out my ears and I couldn’t figure out how to form a fucking sentence and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, I should have said something, anything. I didn’t mean to leave you there, talking yourself into a spiral. I really didn’t. God I wish I was there. I will be, if you need me. Both of us will be. First flight out, if that’s what you need. Just…just be ok enough to tell me that’s what you need, ok? Please. I’m…I’m willing to beg. Just be ok. Please.”
Buck knew he should take a moment, allow himself time to gather his thoughts and emotions, but hearing Eddie sound so lost and broken made him feel like shit, and he needed to at least put Eddie’s heart at ease, even if he couldn’t do so for himself. So, he called Eddie, and stared at the ceiling in his bedroom, a ceiling and bedroom that used to be Eddie’s ceiling and Eddie’s bedroom. Everything in the room used to be Eddie’s, save for himself because Buck…he was still Eddie’s. Always would be.
Eddie answered halfway through the first ring.
“Hey!” He cleared his throat. “Hey, how…uh…”
“I’m ok,” Buck said. His voice sounded rough against his own ears and he winced at the sound. “I turned my phone off because I needed a minute and then forgot I did that. I’m sorry I worried you.”
“No, don’t…you don’t have to apologize. I get it. Christopher’s going to be thrilled to know he was right.”
“I mean, he wasn’t. But…sure.”
“He’s going to claim it’s the same thing. Semantics, dad. Point is, his phone was just off. Way to cry over nothing.”
Guilt twisted in Buck’s gut again. “I…you cried?”
“Oh don’t–no. Yes? You know how I get when I’m worried.”
“You got sniffly,” Buck said, his lips ticking up in a barely-there smile.
Eddie snapped. “That’s the word you use! Yes. That.”
“It’s literally Chris’ word.”
“Wait, really? He said he got it from you.”
“He what? No, bullshit. I got it from him.”
“You guys’ll have to hash this out at some point.”
“Eh, we’ll just split the difference and say we got it from you.”
“Unbelievable.”
Buck chuckled. “I am sorry, though. I really didn’t mean to worry you. I figured you’d already…I just forgot.”
“Hey,” Eddie said, his voice suddenly so, so gentle. “I want - no, I need - you to know that I would never cut you off for something like that. Ok? Even if you weren’t my juice, which you definitely are, you mean far too much to me for that to ever come between us. I was just surprised.”
“Why?” The word was out before Buck even realized he was going to ask it, but once it was out there, there wasn’t much else that could be done. “I…it’s not like I’ve been coy about how I fee–”
“I’m gonna stop you there,” Eddie said quickly. “Don’t misunderstand, please, I want to have this talk. But I want to have it face-to-face. This is too important to have over the phone.”
Buck sighed, a little frustrated. “Seems like a lot of effort to get rejected,” he mumbled.
“Good thing we both know I wouldn’t make you wait on a rejection.”
“...what?”
“It’s a talk we need to have,” Eddie said, his voice a little more confident, “mostly because I think you’re under the impression that you interpreted the last two days incorrectly when you really didn’t.”
“What?”
“How’d your lunch date go?”
“Oh fuck off.”
“What?”
“You’re not just changing the subject like that! I have questions!”
“And I’ll be happy to answer them, when we talk face-to-face.”
“I might actually hate you.”
“Wow. I exercise one boundary with you and suddenly I’m the enemy.”
“Oh but I hate you!”
“You really don’t.”
“I do. I really, really do!”
“You don’t,” Eddie said, his voice impossibly fond. “You don’t have it in you to hate anyone, least of all me.”
“You think you’re so special, Diaz. Think you’re my favorite person in the world, huh? Think I’d actually agree to not have this conversation until we’re face-to-face just cuz you asked nicely?”
“Yes.”
“Well…you’re absolutely right. But still, fuck you.”
They talked a while longer, smoothing over the strange, charged air between them, until Eddie had to get ready for dinner with his parents, one he absolutely wasn’t looking forward to.
“Gotta talk to them about moving Chris in with me.” Eddie sighed. “It’s gonna be a riot, I just know it.”
“A riot like haha how fun, or a riot like pitchforks and torches?”
“Somehow? Both.”
“Call me after?” Buck asked. “Even if it’s late and you’re in a bad mood. Let me help.”
“I’ll take you up on that,” Eddie said, smiling. “But only because I almost had a heart attack last night.”
“Use that as an out. Sorry guys, I - cough cough - can’t make dinner. I’m dying.”
“Should I say cough cough or actually cough?”
“Oh you should definitely say it, it’s more realistic that way.” They both laughed. “And listen, Eds, I’m–”
“I swear to god if you apologize one more time I’m not gonna call you tonight.”
“You’re kind of a bully, you know that?”
“Only to you, and only when you’re blaming yourself for something that’s really no one’s fault.”
“It is quite literally my fault, Eddie.”
“Eh, blame the universe.”
“You don’t even believe in the universe.”
“Okay, okay, hold the fucking phone, I absolutely believe in the universe? I just don’t believe it has some cosmic ability to determine our fates. It’s not a deity, it’s just…space.”
“But if everything was created a la the big bang, wouldn’t that technically mean–”
“Nope! No! I have a dinner to get ready for, we are not doing this right now.”
“Eddie.”
“I said no.”
“Eddie.”
“What?”
“Thanks for understanding. And…for not hating me.”
“How could anyone hate you?”
“Thanks for saying that, too.”
Eddie smiled. “I’ll call you tonight, Buck. Try not to lose your phone between now and then, ok?”
“Yeah. Ok. I hope dinner goes well. L—bye, Eddie.”
Eddie chuckled. “Love you, too, Buck.”
“Dad, someone’s at the door!”
“It’s probably Craig,” Eddie shouted, pulling a shirt on. “Which would mean it’s for you!”
“I’m busy,” Christopher yelled back.
“I’m getting dressed!”
The doorbell rang again and Eddie sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and frowned as it simply fell back over his forehead, as it usually did right after a shower. A shower he’d only taken because Christopher swore up and down that he needed one, even after Eddie informed him that he’d already taken one that morning. Even after he reminded his son that he was just staying in that evening. Even after he said he was probably just going to order dinner and then turn in early. None of it swayed Christopher in the slightest. And then - knowing Eddie was showering and knowing his friend was coming over to pick him up - Christopher had started a project. The doorbell rang once more, further driving home that Eddie was either going to have to be rude and let Craig wait until Christopher could answer the door (to teach him a lesson, of course), or answer the damn thing himself. Craig was…strange, to say the least, but he was a good kid and he thought the world of Christopher. All things considered, Christopher could have done worse in the best friend department, and Eddie didn’t have it in him to punish an innocent kid for his own son’s poor planning.
Eddie pulled the door open, willing the irritation out of his voice as he prepared to greet Craig. What he found on the other side, however, dissolved the words right off his tongue.
“Heya, Mr. Diaz! Is Chris ready?”
Eddie only marginally registered Craig’s question. “He said he’s busy,” he mumbled, his eyes still fixated on the man who stood beside Craig.
“Busy doin’ what?” Craig asked. When his question went unanswered, he followed Eddie’s eyes and grinned. “Oh! Look who I found at the grocery store! He was lookin’ real hard at the steaks and I thought, you know, that looks an awful lot like Mr. Diaz’ deer friend!”
“Not a deer,” Eddie said, still transfixed.
“A stag!” Craig said, snapping as he finally remembered the word he was looking for. He turned to the man beside him - the tall, gorgeous, blue eyed man who looked so much like Buck it was making Eddie’s head spin - his smile growing. “My pa hunts you.”
“That’s a terrifying thing to say,” the man said, before turning his attention - and blue eyes - back to Eddie, and god, he even sounded like Buck. He shifted, jostling the large brown paper bag he was holding, and ducked his head as if he was shy, and the action was just so Buck that Eddie almost believed it was him. He had the same shy smile, the same blue eyes, the same birthmark…honestly, Eddie couldn’t be blamed for thinking it was Buck. He might have completely given into the delusion, too, were it not for the fact that Buck simply could not be there.
Because they didn’t live thirty minutes away from each other anymore. Because Buck couldn’t just swing by after grocery shopping and start cooking dinner for them. Because good things rarely happened to Eddie when he was in El Paso, and Buck standing in front of him in that moment would be a very, very good thing.
“Well, say somethin’!” Craig shouted. “Don’t just stand there starin’ at each other like…” Craig paused to laugh at his own joke. He did that a lot, and Eddie found it quite impressive, considering he always laughed at his own jokes before he’d even said them. “...like a couple’a deer in headlights!”
“Not a deer,” Eddie said again. “A–”
“BUCK!” Christopher pushed past his dad and practically threw himself at the man, who happily dropped his groceries in favor of catching Christopher and hoisting him into a monstrous hug. It was then, as Eddie picked up the discarded bag of groceries to the sounds of Christopher’s delighted laughter, that he realized the man before him didn’t just look and act and sound like Buck.
He was Buck.
“THERE HE IS!” Buck laughed hysterically as he spun Christopher around, somehow managing to effortlessly lift him despite Christopher having grown quite a bit since they’d last seen each other. “Oh my god, I’ve missed you like you wouldn’t believe! Who said you could grow so much, huh? My god you really are nearly as tall as your dad!”
“Not quite,” Eddie said. His eyes had yet to leave Buck, something that did not go unnoticed by his least favorite chatterbox.
“Dang, you weren’t kidding,” Craig said once Christopher was back on solid ground. “He really is a goner!”
“Yeah,” Chris said. “This has been going on for most of my life, I’m used to it by now.”
“C’mon,” Craig said, grabbing the duffel bag Christopher dropped and throwing it over his shoulder. “We should get goin’, my mom left the car on. Plus, I gots somethin ta show ya!”
“See you guys tomorrow,” Christopher said, following after Craig. “We’ll hang out tomorrow, Buck!”
“You bet!” Buck called after him. Once the two were loaded into the car, Buck closed the door and gave Eddie the strangest look. “Have you met Craig?”
Eddie blinked, taken aback by the question. “What?”
“Have you met Craig?”
“Yes, why?”
“Because that kid is a criminal, Eddie.”
Eddie couldn’t help but laugh. “What?”
“He’s a criminal. He has a baby alligator in his bathtub!”
“Oh. He’s got a business.”
“Selling illegal reptiles?”
“It’s only illegal for you city boys out in California,” Eddie said with a smile. “Out here you just need a permit. And he doesn’t sell them, he acquires them from various sellers who maybe don’t have the best intentions and he delivers them to reptile houses and zoos that specialise in species conservation. It’s really fascinating work, Christopher can tell you more about it when he gets back.”
“He’s fifteen.”
“And? Welcome to Texas.”
“A baby alligator, Eddie! And our son is going over there right now!”
“Yeah. Christopher loves going over there, he’s always coming back with stories about some new creature he got to hold. It’s fine, Craig’s dad used to work at a reptile house, he’s got all his necessary permits and makes sure everyone’s safe. Plus, Craig’s not allowed to acquire any new creatures unless he’s got the proper permits and has a grasp on proper handling.”
“Christopher’s gonna get eaten by an alligator but you’re fine with it because he’s got the proper permits??”
“It’s a baby alligator, Buck. Christopher would never fit in its mouth.”
“Eddie.”
“Look, I was worried when he first told me about Craig, too, but he’s a good kid, with good parents, and he’s been real great for Christopher. I promise he’ll be ok.” Eddie raised an eyebrow. “How did you even meet Craig? And for that matter, what are you doing here?”
“Making you dinner,” Buck said, taking back his discarded grocery bag. “Thanks for grabbing this, by the way.”
“That’s not an answer,” Eddie said, following Buck to the kitchen. “What are you doing here? How are you here?”
“Well,” Buck started, setting the bag on the island and rummaging through the cabinets for something, “the most recent tape said to do something spontaneous.”
“So you came to Texas?”
“No. I went to Hen’s house.” He turned to Eddie, presenting the bowl he was looking for like a child showing off a finger painting. “See, I couldn’t think of anything spontaneous to do. I was pretty socialed out and all the stuff the Internet suggested - hot air balloons, skydiving, flying lessons - all had bad calls or exes attached, so those were all non starters. So I went to Hen. Do you have a cutting board?”
“Top drawer, beneath the microwave.”
“Ah. Thank you. Told her that I needed help being spontaneous, and she said she’d take care of it. Two days later she’s shoving a plane ticket in my hand and pushing me out the door. Knives?”
Eddie pointed to the counter behind Buck.
“Great, thanks.”
“So she just shoved you out the door?”
“Literally threw me in her car, drove me to the airport, gave me a ticket and pushed me out.”
“What about work?”
“I also had that question. But she got the time off cleared with Cap. And she conspired with Christopher to arrange pick up from the airport, hence, Craig.”
“This is insane.”
“Tell me about it.”
“She didn’t even let you pack?”
“Couldn’t even grab so much as my toothbrush.”
“Seriously?”
“No, I have a…” Buck looked around before smiling at Eddie sheepishly. “I think I left my bag on the porch.”
“I can grab it,” Eddie said, taking a step closer to where Buck was creating a small prep station. “But it’s gonna cost you.”
Buck didn’t even look up from the island. “Yeah? What’s the going rate in Texas?”
“A fucking hug?”
Buck looked up then, grinning at Eddie’s outstretched arms. “How’s that differ from a normal hug?”
“Mmm, it’s sexier.”
Buck laughed and took a step closer, and that was all Eddie needed to yank him in the rest of the way and hold him tight. Buck melted into the embrace, sighing contentedly as he hid his face in Eddie’s shoulder.
“Like coming home,” he said, and Eddie could only nod in agreement. Having Buck back, even if only for a moment, made every other problem seem minuscule and distant. Buck was warm and familiar and it took everything Eddie was not to burst into tears right then and there. Instead, he took a deep breath, breathing Buck in and allowing his presence to calm him in a way he hadn’t been since he moved to El Paso.
Buck did the same, but stilled before he exhaled. “Ah what the hell?” He said. “You smell amazing. Why do you smell so good? That’s not fair, I smell like an airplane and you smell like eucalyptus.”
A realization hit Eddie then, so hard he could only laugh.
“Don’t laugh!”
Eddie hugged Buck tighter and let the laughter roll out of him. “No,” he managed, “I’m not laughing at you.”
“Good.”
“Christopher, he was so adamant about me taking a shower when we got home, I just realized why.”
“Then you won’t mind if I call the shower after dinner.”
“Not at all.”
“Good, because this is embarrassing.”
“I can tell by how you’re trying so hard to pull away,” Eddie teased.
“Shut up. I missed you.”
“Yeah. Missed you, too. How long do I get to keep you?”
“One week.”
Eddie finally pulled away. “Wait, really?”
“Yep.”
“Cap gave you a whole week off? That’s…wow. He must really like you. Or me.”
“I think it might be both of us,” Buck said. “But also, I think Hen said something to him.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. She came over after that whole ordeal with me turning my phone off and scaring everyone I know half to death. Did you hear about that?”
“Yeah I think someone may have mentioned something about that.”
“Cool, cool. Anyway Hen came over after that to see what the hell had gotten into me, cuz Maddie wasn’t giving details. So I told her the same thing I’d told Maddie, except by the time Hen had come over, you and I had sort of talked? So I also mentioned that to her, and she naturally wanted to know where we landed with that.”
“Ah.”
“I didn’t tell her too much, just that it was a conversation you wanted to have face-to-face, so we didn’t really come to any resolution.”
“I appreciate that, but Hen knows more than you think. You would have been fine either way.”
“I figured. But I also don’t…I’m still pretty in the dark, Eds. I can make a few guesses but…” Buck shrugged and turned back to the island, intent on continuing with prepping dinner, but froze when Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder.
“Then let’s have that conversation.”
“You sure you wouldn’t rather have dinner first?”
“I’m fine with whatever you wanna do.”
Buck thought about it. “Talk and cook?”
“If you think you can.”
“You don’t think I can?”
“I didn’t say that,” Eddie said, chuckling.
“You were thinking it.”
“Was I?”
Buck huffed. “I can multi-task, you know.”
“Prove it.”
“Make yourself useful and go wash the tomatoes.”
Eddie tightened his grip around Buck’s waist and nuzzled against his neck. “Wasn’t part of the deal, I’m comfortable here.”
Heat began to creep up Buck’s neck as he sank back into Eddie’s embrace. For a moment they just stood there, Eddie relishing in Buck’s warmth, Buck splitting his attention between internally freaking out and trying to figure out how he was going to get to the sink with Eddie hanging off of him. “Maybe…maybe we should move this to the couch.”
“That’s a wonderful idea.”
Eddie could tell Buck was nervous, and he didn’t blame him. Even though Eddie had insinuated that the conversation would be a good one once it happened, Buck still had very little reason to think Eddie returned his feelings. As far as he knew, Eddie was straight. Even then, Eddie wasn’t sure what label fit him best. Between realizing his feelings for Buck and moving to El Paso and butting heads with his parents at every corner where Christopher was concerned, figuring out his sexuality had sort of taken a backseat. He didn’t see that changing anytime soon but regardless of labels, Eddie knew how he felt about Buck, and at least for the time being that was what mattered.
“So…” Buck focused on his hands as he picked at one of his nails, something he did when he was nervous. “Where should we start?”
Eddie placed a hand atop Buck’s, halting his picking and making him meet Eddie’s eyes. “You like it when I act like you’re mine.”
Buck’s face flushed red instantly and he tried to look away, but Eddie caught his chin and redirected his gaze.
“It’s a strange thing to say,” Eddie continued, “when I act like you’re mine. Insinuates that you’re not actually mine.”
“I’m…not…though?”
“Why the hell not?”
Buck stared at him, his eyes darting around his face, studying it, trying to find answers to questions he was too scared to ask. When he didn’t find them, he sighed. “Normally I don’t mind these weird verbal sparring matches between us, but right now, Eddie, I need you to take this seriously. This is a big deal to me.”
“I didn’t mean to imply it’s not a big deal to me,” Eddie said, tightening his grip on Buck’s hand. “Just trying to help you relax.”
“Last I checked you were straight, so I’m having a hard time understanding what you mean when you imply I am yours.”
“Life comes at you fast,” Eddie said. “It’s hard to quantify because I haven’t spent as much time on it as I probably should have, but…I know how I feel about you, and I think that’s what’s important.”
“How you feel about me…?”
Eddie sighed, like a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. “Yeah,” he said, his voice breathy. “God, Buck, I feel so much for you. Everything, really.”
“Everything.”
“Everything.”
“I need more, Eddie.”
“More. Ok. Uh…ok. So. Remember when I said not to pick anyone up that night you went out with Hen and Karen?”
“Yeah?”
“That was the first thing that made me realize I hate it when you’re in a relationship with anyone else, because I want it to be me. I want you to date me.”
“That’s not a very straight train of thought, Eds.”
“That’s exactly what I said. But the more I thought about it, the more it just…makes sense. I think about you all the time, sometimes without meaning to. It’s just natural. You mean so much to me, I want you in my life, I want you in Christopher’s life.”
“But that’s not inherently romantic, that’s just—”
“Wanna kiss you, wanna cuddle you.” He grinned. “Wanna do things that would be frowned upon in the Bible.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask something? Without you getting mad or thinking I’m mad?”
“Of course.”
“If you figured this out while recording that tape…you were still in LA then. So why am I only hearing about this now?”
Eddie sighed again. “Because I was moving out here already, it wasn’t even a question, and you were having a hard enough time losing your best friend. I couldn’t tell you I was in love with you and then leave you behind, that felt cruel at best. I really didn’t want to do that to you.” Buck’s eyes had gone wide, and for a moment Eddie was lost in how blue they were. “What, uh, what’s wrong?”
“In love?”
“Oh. Yeah. In love.”
“You’re in love with me? It’s not just…curiousity? Attraction?” Buck raised an eyebrow. “Momentary insanity?”
Eddie laughed. “Well considering that I’ve felt this way pretty much the whole time we’ve known each other, I think it’s safe to say there’s nothing momentary about it.”
“So…prolonged insanity.”
“Sure.” Eddie shook his head. “Or I’m just able to see what none of those other losers you dated could: that you’re amazing. That you’re kind and funny and you love my son like your own. You love everyone you meet, just about. And yeah, some of it is attraction, of course it is. I have eyes. You’re really fucking hot, Buck, I’ve thought that since the first day I saw you and it’s only gotten worse. But more than that, you just make me feel like me. It’s not a performance with you, it’s just real and I feel like I can actually breathe.”
“You’re in love with me,” Buck said again. “I…I didn’t think I could…you’re in love with me.”
“I am.” Eddie studied Buck’s face for a moment. “Is that…ok?”
“Are you kidding?” Buck rolled his eyes. “Is it ok? I told you a week ago that I like it when you act like I’m yours and you have the nerve to ask me if it’s ok to love me?”
“You were being weird! You looked all…I don’t know…shocked!”
“I am shocked, Eds! I thought at best you were gonna give me some spiel about how you’d be all over me if one of us was a woman. I had no idea you were gonna confess that you’re in love with me! Of all the things I could have guessed, that didn’t even make the in my wildest dreams cut!”
“Really?”
“Really, he says. Really. Like there was ever even an inkling of hope that you’d feel the same way I do. You drive me crazy sometimes.”
“I’m confused. Your words seem to be hinting that you’re happy but your tone is angry.”
Buck took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m not angry,” he said after a minute. “I’m more…it’s like…” He sighed, clearly frustrated. “It’s hard to put into words. I guess I’m just…you let me flirt with you, and make all those comments, all the while thinking it was a joke. While being in love with me. I know you, I know that hurt you.” He finally met Eddie’s gaze again. “I hurt you.”
Eddie was shaking his head before Buck even finished the last statement. “No. Not at all. I panicked a bit, but you didn’t hurt me. I know you love me, maybe not in the way I love you but that’s…you’re not required to love me back, Buck.”
“I do, though. You know that now, right? I’m so in love with you, Eddie, it makes me stupid sometimes.”
“What’s your excuse for the rest of the times?”
“I take it back, I hate you, actually.”
“Wait no I’m sorry!!”
“The love of my life just called me stupid and my best friend says I’m sorry. No hug? No cuddles? No kiss? I want a divorce.”
“No, baby, please! I can change!” Eddie pulled Buck closer, laughter bubbling out of him as Buck half-assed his resistance. “Give me another chance!”
“Just not sure how I can go on, honestly. It’s all fading to black.”
“Am I gonna have to do mouth to mouth?”
“Probably.”
“Ah, but I’m not certified? What if you sue me?”
Buck made a face. “Whoa, too soon, man!”
“It happened the same year Lincoln was assassinated, you’re fine.”
“Lincoln was what? Does he know that?”
“Probably not.”
There was a beat of silence before they both started laughing hysterically. The whole conversation was chaotic and silly and so quintessentially them, and something about it drove home the fact that they were both there, together and in love and happy, even if just for a little while. Brown eyes locked on blue, a wordless question and answer passing between them, before Eddie closed the remaining distance between them and finally, blessedly, kissed his best friend. Buck sighed into the kiss, melting against Eddie and humming contentedly. The kiss wasn’t hurried or frantic like Eddie always thought it would be, nor was it timid and careful like Buck had imagined. Instead it was comfortable and slow and felt like releasing a breath neither one of them knew they were holding.
It felt like coming home.
Were they in LA, in the house the three of them had turned into a home without really realizing it, they probably would have stayed in that moment for a while. Dinner would have been completely forgotten in favor of doing anything and everything they could to show the other how much they were loved.
But they weren’t in LA, they were in El Paso, and Eddie knew better than anyone that nothing good ever happened to him in El Paso.
Which was why, when Eddie’s attempts at removing Buck’s shirt were thwarted by a loud and frantic hammering at the front door, Eddie wasn’t surprised in the least.
“Edmundo!”
Buck raised an eyebrow. “Is that your mom?”
Eddie closed his eyes and sighed, mentally preparing himself for the conversation he knew was coming. “Yeah,” he said. “That’s my mom.”
“Whoa. High school flashback.” Buck grinned at Eddie and he couldn’t help but grin back. “Here,” he said, fixing Eddie’s hair and straightening his clothes. “I’ll go get started on dinner.”
“Edmundo! Answer me!”
“Unless you need—”
“No,” Eddie said, shaking his head firmly. “Absolutely not, I am not subjecting you to my mother. Go, get started on dinner. I’ll be fine.” He gave Buck a tired smile. “I’ve been handling her for three months almost. I’ve got it down to a science at this point.” Eddie ushered him back into the kitchen before taking a deep breath and answering the door.
Immediately, Helena dropped a duffel at his feet. “Explain to me why Christopher is not only at that house, he’s also left his bag on the porch?”
Eddie picked it up, slinging the strap over his shoulder and sighed. “That’s not Christopher’s bag. And he’s at the Gagne’s because Craig is his best friend and he wanted to spend the night.”
“You know how I feel about him going over to that house.”
“And you know how I feel about you acting like Christopher is your son instead of your grandson.”
“He’s going to get hurt over there. God forbid I worry about my grandson’s well being.”
Eddie flashed a pained smile. “Someone has to, right?”
Helena narrowed her gaze, clearly not appreciating Eddie’s sarcastic tone. “Are you going to invite me in?”
“Wasn’t planning on it.”
Helena rolled her eyes and pushed past Eddie, storming into the house and immediately looking around with a critical eye. “This place feels so cold, Eddie. How can you expect Christopher to feel comfortable here?”
“He likes it fine.”
“You need to make this more of a home, he’s going to think you don’t want to be here.”
Eddie shrugged. “I don’t.”
“Aren’t you worried about how Christopher feels about that?”
“He’s fine with it. He knows I’m here for him but that my heart is in LA.” Eddie knew better than to tell Helena that Christopher also still thought of LA as home, just like he knew to keep her attention on him and away from Buck. Unfortunately, Buck was more focused on cooking than making himself invisible and it was only a matter of time before Helena’s own tunnel vision widened enough to notice they weren’t alone in the house.
Buck glanced up as she turned to him, breaking into that gorgeous smile of his as his eyes locked with hers.
“Good evening! Eddie didn’t mention you’d be joining us for dinner, what a wonderful surprise!”
Eddie stood a few steps behind his mom, his brow furrowed as he tried to wordlessly ask Buck what the hell he was doing. Instead of wordlessly responding, Buck rinsed his hands, dried them on his shirt, and offered a hand to his mother.
“I’m Buck.”
“I know who you are,” Helena said. She turned to Eddie, her eyes dark and angry. “What is he doing here?”
“Visiting?”
“You didn’t mention anything about this.”
“Ah, that’s my fault,” Buck said. “I surprised Eddie.”
“So you’re once more weaseling your way into my son’s life.”
The smile dropped from Buck’s face and Eddie hated the sadness that remained.
“He’s always welcome here,” Eddie snapped. “He’s family.”
“He was skulking around when we picked Christopher up from LA, too.” She turned back to Buck. “Don’t you have your own family to bother?”
“Not this week,” Buck said. “This week is all about bothering Eddie.”
Eddie shook his head. “You’re not.”
Buck turned to the stove with a shrug.
“Are you sure he should be around Christopher? After what happened at—”
“Stop.”
“He lost him, Eddie!”
“He saved his life.”
“He never would have been in danger in the first place if—”
“I will not tell you again, mom. Stop.”
“Is this about the tsunami?”
Eddie opened his mouth to respond, but Helena beat him to it.
“The fact that you even have to ask!” She snapped. “Exactly how many times have you lost Christopher?”
“Mom!”
“Just the once,” Buck said, his voice small. “I’ve made sure not to lose him since.”
“Buck—”
“No, she’s right, Eddie. Christopher wouldn’t have been at the pier if I hadn’t taken him.”
“And you wouldn’t have taken him if I hadn’t sprung babysitting on you in the first place.”
“And maybe you wouldn’t have done that if your parents had been more supportive where Christopher was concerned. Maybe you would have left him with them instead.” Buck shrugged again, his attention still fixed firmly on the pan in front of him. Eddie watched as he raised the cutting board just so and swept a pile of tiny tomatoes into the pan, smiling as they joined the mixture with a satisfying hiss. “Hard to say how things would have gone then.”
Helena was appalled. “Are you suggesting that what happened to Christopher was my fault?”
“I’m saying no one could have known what was going to happen at the pier that day. Yes, I was the one who took Christopher down there, but it was at his request. It was his idea when he was with me, and it would have still been his idea if he was with you or Eddie. And that tsunami would have still hit. I’m saying that if you’re wondering if I should be allowed around Christopher, you need to look not at the inevitable, but at what I did in the wake of it. You’re right, I did lose Christopher, and I will never forgive myself for that.”
“Buck,” Eddie said, wanting nothing more than to pull him into a hug and reassure him that it wasn’t his fault.
“But I saved him, too. I picked that kid up and ran like hell, I fished him out of the water and I kept him close and safe for as long as I could.” He finally looked at Helena, who had seemed to have forgotten how to speak. “And I always will. I think, ultimately, that’s what matters the most.” He smiled and turned back toward the stove. “Not that I have to prove myself to you one way or the other. Christopher’s Eddie’s son, so it’s ultimately up to him. And Christopher, of course. God, still can’t believe how tall he is.”
“Shot up like a weed,” Eddie said with a laugh. “Not that this hasn’t been lovely, but was there something you needed?” He asked his mom. “Or were you just mad about the Craig thing again?”
“He has dangerous creatures over there!”
“Ok.” Eddie rolled his eyes. “If that’s all you’re here for, I’ll walk you to the door.”
“I need you to call that boy's father and tell him I’m coming to pick Christopher up.”
“I’m not gonna do that.”
“Edmundo!”
“We’ll see you on Sunday, mom.”
“How do you expect me to sleep tonight knowing my grandson is in danger?”
“Probably the same way you sleep knowing your son’s in danger,” Buck mumbled.
“What was that?” Helena snapped.
“I said I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”
“Bye mom!” Eddie said quickly, shooting Buck a look before ushering her out of the kitchen.
“Have a great evening, Mrs. Diaz!” Buck yelled before Eddie shoved her out door.
He dropped his head against the wood, taking a deep breath as he waited to see if she would knock again. When she didn’t, Eddie disappeared elsewhere in the house, reappearing a few moments later without Buck’s duffel.
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t know she’d go in on you like that.” He once more wrapped his arms around Buck’s waist and rested his chin on his shoulder. He pressed a warm kiss to Buck’s neck, smiling as Buck relaxed into his embrace.
“She’s worse than I remember.”
“And it’s all downhill from here.”
“I really did try to find him, Eds.”
Eddie pressed another warm kiss to Buck’s neck. “I know you did, I know you fought for him with everything you had. You don’t have to convince me of that, I was there. I saw you holding yourself upright with sheer determination. I watched you collapse once you knew he was safe. You’ll never have to convince me that you love my son.”
“Love both of you,” Buck said. “You’re both so important to me.”
“As you are to us.” Eddie nuzzled against Buck’s neck again, his heart swelling when Buck relaxed further into his embrace. “We love you, too.” They stayed like that for a while longer, allowing the quiet to settle around them. Eddie closed his eyes as Buck resumed cooking and let himself exist in the moment, a moment he never thought he’d ever be able to actually experience. As Buck shifted his focus outside of the pan in front of him, Eddie noticed he made no attempt to wriggle free or shake him off at all, and that alone made warmth spread from his head to his toes. “Fuck, I really love you.”
“Mmhmm,” Buck said. “I love you, too, Eds.”
“I’m so fucking glad you’re here. You sure you can only stay a week?”
“Eddie, I love you and I love Christopher, but I do not love El Paso.”
“You’ve been here for five minutes!”
“You don’t even like El Paso.”
“Yeah but I grew up here. I have every right to hate it. You just got here.”
“Mmhmm. Grab me that box of pasta.”
Eddie reluctantly released Buck from his grasp and did as he was asked. “I’m assuming the next thing you’re gonna say is to cook it,” he said.
Buck merely batted his eyelashes.
“Unbelievable.”
They worked on dinner together, the same way they always had. Every now and then Eddie would pull Buck closer or kiss him or hold his hand for as long as he was allowed. And after they’d eaten and the dishes had been done, Eddie led Buck to his bedroom so they could finish what Helena had interrupted.
“I’m telling you, I’m not invited.”
Eddie clapped his hands on Buck’s shoulders and smiled. “And I’m telling you that they have to accept you. You’re family.”
“They don’t have to do anything, Eds.”
“It’ll be fine, Buck,” Christopher said. “They bite but they just have dentures now so it doesn’t hurt that much.”
“Not helping,” Eddie said, “and don’t be rude.”
“It’s not rude if it’s true.”
Buck chuckled. “Regardless, I really don’t think I should go over there. I’m really fine to stay here, honest.”
Eddie frowned. “You’re sure?”
“Yes. Sunday night dinner stresses you out enough as it is, you do not need to deal with your mom taking shots at me, too.”
Christopher frowned as well and Buck was struck by how much he looked like Eddie. When he was younger, Buck tended to see Shannon more in Christopher’s features, but there were times when he was the spitting image of Eddie, and they were becoming more frequent as he got older.
“You really think she’ll be awful?”
Buck gave Christopher a small smile. “Not awful, I just don’t think she’ll be very kind, and when your dad’s stressed he has a much shallower tolerance for stuff like that.” He turned back to Eddie. “I just don’t want to cause a fight.”
“You wouldn’t be causing it.”
“Regardless, you’ll have a much better evening if I don’t go.”
“False,” Christopher said.
“Not true,” Eddie said at the same time.
Buck chuckled. “Maybe afterwards we can do ice cream and a movie, how’s that sound?”
Christopher sighed, but there wasn’t any irritation in it. “I guess I could pencil you in.”
Eddie shrugged. “You could always stay the night with your grandparents, give Buck and I the night alone.”
“So you can nap?”
“That was one time!” Buck protested.
“You’ve been here three days.” Christopher raised an eyebrow. “Not good odds, old man.”
“God forbid I treat this like a normal vacation!”
“Give you a whole afternoon home alone with my dad and you take a nap.”
“First of all, you didn’t give us anything, you were at school. Second, we cuddled!”
“Well whoopty-ta.”
“You used to be nice to me. You used to think I was cool.” Buck narrowed his gaze. “Texas changed you.”
Eddie laughed. “You’re ridiculous, you know that?”
“Maybe if I was allowed to nap in peace…” Buck grumbled.
“Are you sure you wanna stay here?” Eddie caught his eye. “I can have a talk with her, let her know she has to be on her best behavior.”
“Nah, go, have as good of an evening as you can. I’ll be here when you get back.” Buck leaned in and stole a quick kiss, humming when Eddie immediately stole another one. “It’ll give me a chance to get some decorating done in here.”
“We’ll make it quick,” Eddie said. He squeezed Buck’s shoulder and smiled, before turning and ushering Christopher out the door.
Dinner was, in a word, fine. Helena feigned disappointment when Eddie said Buck wouldn’t be joining them, then quickly shifted to genuine disappointment when Christopher said he was still in town. Eddie tiptoed through dinner, his smile tight and his knuckles white, redirecting every conversation with the potential to start a fight. Buck was waiting for him, all Eddie had to do was make it through to the other side of dinner and then he could go back to cuddles and kisses and hand holding. Helena commented on how pleasant Eddie was to be around and Christopher didn’t even hesitate to say Buck was a good influence on him. Helena stopped making comments after that, and soon after Christopher and Eddie were saying their goodbyes.
They didn’t allow themselves to breathe until they were back in the car.
“Way to put in a positive word for Buck,” Eddie said.
“Well, he is the reason you were minding your manners.”
“Yup,” Eddie said, backing out of the driveway. “Ice cream, then home?”
“Oh so it’s home now that Buck’s there, is it?”
“I—that’s not—no!”
Christopher laughed. “Relax dad, I’m messing with you. But really, home first, then ice cream.”
“Home first?”
“Yeah? So we can pick up Buck.”
Eddie couldn’t stop the smile that bloomed in his face even if he wanted to. “Oh. Well. Of course.”
“You’re welcome,” Christopher said, and Eddie reached over and tousled his curls.
Buck was deeply engrossed in a book when they got back, and Eddie only felt a little smug when Buck still tossed it aside as soon as he saw them. Christopher hurried them out of the house, eager to get to the store while Buck was still starry eyed, in hopes it would mean he could convince Buck to convince Eddie to let them buy every flavor. “He’ll say no to me, because he’s like, a good dad and all that. But he’s not your dad, he doesn’t have to say no to you.”
“Maybe I should,” Eddie said, shooting his son a warning glare through the rear view.
“What?” Buck said, offended. “I haven’t even asked yet!”
“Sorry, man, you work for the enemy.”
“Who says? I never agreed to anything.”
“Face it Buck, you can’t say no to this face.” Christopher gave him a big smile and batted his eyelashes.
“…yeah,” Buck said with a sigh. “You got me there.”
Eddie laughed, but it was short lived as Christopher and Buck exchanged a look.
“What are you laughing at?” Christopher asked. “Don’t act like you can say no to this face.” Gestures toward Buck, who looked up at Eddie with the biggest eyes he could muster while jutting out his bottom lip just the tiniest bit.
Eddie chanced a look at a red light and groaned. “That’s not fair!”
“You wanna give Buck everything he waaaaaaants,” Christopher said, “you wanna buy us aaaaaaaaall the ice creaaaaaaaaaaam.”
Eddie laughed again. “Stop, dorks.”
Christopher and Buck laughed too, both sitting back in their seats at the same time, in the exact same way. Eddie’s smile grew, but he kept that little tidbit to himself.
Choosing ice cream flavors should have been a mundane task, but the three of them had always managed to make even the most menial tasks fun, and ice cream flavor selection was no exception. Buck and Eddie were deep in a debate about what the best ice cream topping was when Christopher finally asked the question he’d wanted to ask all night.
“So…when we move back to LA, what’s that gonna look like?”
Eddie and Buck turned to him, their arguments dying on their tongues.
“What do you mean?” Eddie asked.
“Like, do we have to find a new house before we can go back? When do we start looking?”
“Why wouldn’t you just move back into your house?” Buck asked quietly.
“Because it’s not ours anymore,” Christopher said.
Buck shook his head vehemently. “I already told you, you’ll always have a home there. If anyone’s finding a new place—”
“Nope!” Eddie yelled at the same time that Christopher started half-singing, half-saying La La La La La La La until Buck stopped talking.
“So then we’re all living together?” Christopher asked tentatively. “Like a family?”
“We’ve been one of those for a while,” Eddie said, smiling fondly at Buck. “But yeah, if Buck doesn’t mind, I don’t see why not.”
“Are you kidding? I can’t wait to have more people in the house, it’s too big for one person.” Buck looked at Eddie, a strange look in his eye. “I don’t know how you did it, man, I go crazy if I stay there too long.”
Christopher looked at his dad then, a softness to his features. “Was it…difficult?” He asked. His voice was small, almost too quiet to hear, and his eyes were slightly glossy.
“Hardest thing I’ve ever done,” Eddie said. “But it wasn’t your fault, Christopher, it was mine. And I had Buck, don’t worry.”
“Yeah I was over there all the time.”
“Thanks,” Christopher said, wiping hastily at his eyes. “Thanks for keeping him company.”
“Hey, I can’t take all the credit. We were kinda just there for each other. I missed ya, too, you know.” Buck tugged Christopher into a hug, with Eddie joining shortly after. He was sure they were getting strange looks from passersby, but with his face smooshed against Eddie’s shoulder and Christopher’s head, he simply could not see them and thus, did not care.
“The ice cream’s gonna melt,” Christopher said after a moment, and the three of them separated awkwardly.
They returned to their ice cream expedition, but it was clear that something had shifted. The random conversations, bad dad jokes, and Buck’s occasional “fun facts” all felt…heavier. Eddie’s hand found Buck’s as they drove home and he pressed a kiss against Buck’s knuckles, smiling when he saw Buck quickly look away in his peripheral. Christopher groaned and called them gross, but Eddie held firm to Buck’s hand, his smile growing when he spied Christopher’s in the rear view mirror.
It was business as usual once they got home. Ice cream was heaped into bowls, voices were raised as choosing what to watch became a debate over what the greatest movie of all time was, and Eddie felt at ease. That feeling persisted as they finally made a decision and settled on the couch, Christopher and Buck talking a mile a minute about four separate topics, none of which Eddie was following, and he loved them all the more for it. When the ice cream was eaten and the conversation tapered off, they all sort of just…melted together. Christopher leaned on Buck who was more than happy to invade Eddie’s space, and when the credits finally rolled and Eddie saw his two favorite people in the world asleep beside him, that shift finally solidified.
This was what the priest had meant, this was the joy he was encouraging Eddie to choose: comfort, family, love.
He gently woke Buck and told him to get ready for bed while he carried a still sleeping Christopher to his room, allowing himself a moment to mourn a time gone by when doing so was a much simpler task. It was hard to accept that Christopher was only going to continue to grow taller and more independent, until he just…didn’t need Eddie anymore. He was grateful that that time was still a ways in the future, though, rather than in the past. Still, once Christopher was in bed, Eddie hurried to his room with the intention of demanding Buck cuddle the sadness out of him.
He found Buck standing at the bathroom sink, toothbrush hanging loosely out of his mouth, dead asleep, and couldn’t stop the laugh that burst out of him. Buck jolted awake at the sound, damn near inhaling his toothbrush and choking briefly on toothpaste, before he shot Eddie a glare.
“Scared me half to death!” He said. “What are you laughing at?”
“You,” Eddie said through a fit of giggles. “Been a while since you fell asleep standing up.”
“I wasn’t asleep!!” Buck protested. His cheeks contradicted his words, tinting a deep shade of red as he fumbled for an explanation. “I was just resting my eyes!”
“Mmhmm,” Eddie hummed, smiling as he wiped a bit of toothpaste from the corner of Buck’s mouth. “Well, hold off a bit longer, yeah? I could use a good cuddle.”
Buck studied him a moment. “Yeah, you do look kinda down. What’s up?”
Eddie shrugged, grabbing his own toothbrush. “Just fighting a losing battle against time.”
“He’ll always be your little boy, you know that, right? Even when he has a family of his own.”
“I know, it’s just different, I guess? It’s hard to put into words. Carrying him to bed used to be so much easier. Now he’s like this whole person and I don’t know how much longer I’m gonna be able to do anything I used to, you know?”
Buck shrugged. “So you do new things.”
Eddie made a big show of falling against Buck in distress, forcing Buck to catch and stabilize him. “It’s not the same!”
“Oh poor baby,” Buck said with a chuckle. “Are we gonna have you get you another little one to pour all this dad energy into?”
Eddie paused for a moment. “Is that…something you’d be interested in doing?”
“Having kids?”
“Yeah.”
“Have you met me?”
Eddie chuckled nervously. “Wanting kids someday and wanting them with me specifically are different things.”
“Not from where I’m standing. Of course I want to have kids.”
“With me?”
“My teachers were wrong, stupid questions do exist.”
Eddie laughed. “Maybe now isn’t the time to have this conversation, you’re tired.”
“I am. But listen, I love Christopher, I love you, you both took me in and gave me the family I’ve always wanted. I have everything I need already. But if we get the chance to provide the same for someone else? I’d love to. Especially if it’s with you.”
Eddie smiled at that, but didn’t trust himself to say anything more. They finished getting ready for bed in comfortable silence, their shoulders and hands bumping periodically. When they finally did fall into bed, Buck didn’t hesitate to pull Eddie into his arms and pepper his face with kisses until he was laughing and trying - futilely - to get away. Eventually they settled together, Eddie’s back pressed firmly against Buck’s chest, and sleep once more threatened to tug Buck down into its depths. As his breath slowed and Buck leaned a bit more of his weight against him, Eddie found one of his hands and interlocked their fingers.
“If it was with you,” he whispered, unsure if Buck was even awake enough to comprehend what he was saying, “I’d love to raise another.”
Buck mumbled a sleepy who else would it be with? into Eddie’s shoulder, but by the time he deciphered it, Buck was already fast asleep.
Somehow, though the week they had together felt entirely too short, both Christopher and Eddie had grown accustomed to having Buck be a part of their morning routine. As was the case the first time around, Buck was a natural fit for them. He stepped into their lives easily and seamlessly, filling in gaps neither Diaz had noticed existed. After spending the night near the end of Buck’s stay, Craig mentioned to Christopher that watching them had reminded him of the Christmas party scene in The Nutcracker: each of them doing their own thing, but also knowing where the others were and were going to be. Christopher just said yeah, dad and Buck share the same brain cell, but he memorized the look of awe that had been on Craig’s face. It wasn’t often Christopher was the one impressing him.
When they finally did reach the end of the week, Eddie wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to send Buck off the same way he’d been sent off in LA; there was simply no way he was going to be able to smile through his goodbye, and he hoped Buck didn’t think Eddie expected him to, either. Buck did his best to stay cheery through the last day, but Eddie could tell he was dreading the following morning just as much as they were. Still, they made it through their last day with minimum tears shed, and would have called it a great evening had Helena and Ramon not surprised them all with a visit.
Buck was in the kitchen when they stopped by, finishing up the dishes from dinner, and could hear their raised voices as soon as Eddie stepped out on the porch.
“What’s this I’m hearing about Christopher skipping school tomorrow?”
“Hi, mom, it is a wonderful evening. How’s your night going?”
“Lose the attitude, Edmundo,” Ramon snapped. “It’s irresponsible to take Christopher out of school for no reason!”
“Not that I owe you an explanation,” Eddie said, willing his irritation down. “But it’s not for no reason. We’re taking Buck to the airport tomorrow, Christopher wants to say goodbye.”
Helena scoffed. “You think that’s acceptable?”
“Why wouldn’t it be? His attendance is flawless.”
“And you’re going to let him ruin it for that…that man?”
“Watch it.”
“It’s time to leave LA behind, let it go.” Helena gestured to the living room. “You clearly want to, look at all you’ve done out here! It’s lovely.”
“I’ll be sure to let Buck know you like it, since this is his handiwork. He didn’t want us to treat this like a temporary home, even if that’s all it is.”
“Edmundo, I really don’t think Christopher wants—”
“I know what Christopher wants, because I asked him.”
They all fell silent then, and understandably so. The way Eddie told it, his parents had been acting like Christopher was going to stay in Texas for good, which of course meant Eddie would, too. Buck wondered if Christopher had ever mentioned to them that he still thought of LA as home, and if so, had they just ignored it? Or had they just thought they could change his mind?
“If they come in here and see you like that, they’re gonna know you were listening.”
Buck jumped clear out of his skin, making Christopher laugh. “Shhh,” Buck said, frowning. “They’ll hear you.”
“Nah, you can just hear them cuz they’re loud.”
“They’re just…passionate.”
“Buck, I’m nearly 15, not 5. I know they’re arguing.” Christopher shrugged. “It happens a lot. They don’t listen to dad much, and you know how that irritates him.”
“Do they listen to you?” Buck asked, unable to ignore the question as it bounced around in his head.
“Sometimes. When it’s stuff they agree with.”
“Yeah, that’s what your dad said, too.” Buck took a seat at the table and gestured for Christopher to sit across from him. “Had you told them about wanting to go back to LA?”
“Oh yeah, dozens of times.” Christopher made a face. “It’s not something they agree with.”
“I can imagine. They don’t seem to agree with me, either.”
“Cuz you’re dad’s tether to LA.” Buck raised an eyebrow, so Christopher continued. “They think if it weren’t for you, he’d be ready to commit to Texas for good. They think you’re the reason he wants to go back.”
“Even if I’m one of the reasons, I’m not the only one. He has lots of reasons to want to go back.”
“Yeah. But they only listen sometimes, remember?”
Buck chuckled. “”Yeah, I remember.”
“They’d like you if they knew you.”
“Somehow I doubt that.”
Christopher shrugged. “Either way, don’t put too much weight behind their words. Dad’s happier when you’re around. If they took the time to see that, they’d act different.”
“I wasn’t—”
“Yes you were, it’s the whole reason I came out here. Normally I just turn up my music and ignore them, but I heard them start talking about you and I knew you were in here letting it get to you.” Buck rolled his eyes, but didn’t say much else. “Do you have to go back?”
“You know I do, I can’t just sit here and look pretty and let your dad do all the work.”
“You could get a job.”
“I have a job.”
“In LA,” they said at the same time.
“Yeah yeah,” Christopher said with a laugh. “I’m gonna miss you, though.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna miss you guys, too.”
“I want to hear that from him. Christopher!”
“Oh boy, here we go.”
Buck laughed quietly and turned his attention to his phone. He knew he wasn’t going to be able to flee the scene before Helena saw him, but he could at least deny her the satisfaction of eye contact.
“Christo—of course you’re here.”
“I’ll be gone by this time tomorrow, don’t worry.”
Eddie joined him at the table and placed himself - not at all subtly - between Helena and Buck.
“Your abuela would like to hear how you feel about returning to LA.”
“I can’t wait,” Christopher said. “I miss it.”
“There you have it,” Eddie said, clapping his hands together. “Now, I’m sure you’re both very ti—”
“You put him up to this, didn’t you?”
Buck looked up then, a strange look on his face. “What?”
“Everything was fine until you got here!”
“If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard that, I’d have a lot of dimes from my parents alone.”
Eddie placed a hand on Buck’s shoulder and squeezed, an unnecessary but reassuring gesture. Without thinking about it, Buck placed a hand atop Eddie’s and returned the gesture, giving him a small smile to confirm the message had been received.
Helena was not deterred, however. If anything, the show of solidarity only served to fuel her anger further. “Everything awful that has ever happened to them happened in your presence!” She said, taking a step closer. “Christopher never had an attitude with us before he met you, Edmundo was at least respectful.”
Eddie scoffed and tightened his grip on Buck’s shoulder.
“We even had to limit Christopher’s contact with his father, because we knew you’d probably be there in the background. Lurking. Manipulating.”
Eddie felt Buck’s shoulders tense, and that was all it took for him to finally jump in. “Excuse me? You had no ri–”
“What do you mean?” Christopher asked, his voice shaky and dripping with anger. “You said dad was…you lied? You were keeping me from him?”
Eddie and Buck looked at Christopher, both of them confused.
“What do you mean?” Buck asked tentatively. “We were told that you weren’t ready to really talk to Eddie yet, that you were still mad about everything.”
“No i wasn’t!”
“You would hardly talk to me, Christopher.”
“Because abuela always said you only had a few minutes. I didn’t wanna make you late.”
“That doesn’t make sense,” Eddie said slowly as he tried to make sense of this new information. “You were mad at me when I moved out here, you wouldn’t even talk to me at first.”
“I was mad at you then because I couldn’t talk to you, because you were too busy.”
“I would never be too busy for you,” Eddie said quietly. “I hope you know that.”
“I do now,” Christopher said. The words were directed at Helena, harsh and dagger-like
“So Christopher could have come home sooner?” Buck asked. “They wouldn’t have had to have been apart for as long?”
“Exactly,” Helena snapped.
“No,” Eddie said at the same time as Christopher said “Buck, c’mon.”
Eddie scowled at his mother as he tightened his grip on Buck’s shoulder. “You both should leave. You can’t be trusted around my son and I think it’s best if you give him space to process what’s been happening. Not to mention, you’ve been nothing but disrespectful to Buck since he got here.”
“We are in the middle of a con–”
“Dad said to leave.” Christopher was staring at the table hard, anger radiating off of him. It took a moment before Eddie realized he was pointedly not looking at Helena. “His house, his rules. Get out.”
“Christopher,” Ramon said, but Eddie cut him off.
“Your son and grandson are trying to tell you what they need,” he said, his words sharp. “Don’t wait another thirty years before you listen.” Eddie met his father’s eyes. A moment passed, then another, and then Ramon nodded. Message received.
“Helena,” he said, placing a hand on her shoulder, “we should go.”
Helena scoffed and shrugged him off. “This is what I’m talking about,” she said. Her eyes were fixed on Buck, who refused to look at anyone. “We used to be a family, now we’re at each other’s throats because of you.”
“Mom–” Eddie’s statement died on his tongue as Buck stood suddenly and just…walked out of the kitchen. A door slammed deeper in the house a moment later, and Eddie and Christopher exchanged a worried look. “You might have to take this one,” Eddie said. Christopher nodded and started after Buck, but not before finally looking at Helena.
“You know, Buck defends you sometimes, because family means a lot to him.” His gaze narrowed into a glare. “But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”
“Christopher!” Helena snapped, but Eddie held up a hand.
“Stop talking and sit down, both of you.”
Helena looked to Ramon for help, but he refused to meet her gaze, opting instead to do as Eddie said and take a seat at the table. Helena followed suit, looking ready to read her son the riot act, but that was Eddie’s situation to handle.
Christopher had a Buck to check on.
He found him in Eddie’s room, repacking his duffel.
“Hey, Buck,” he said gently.
“Hey.”
Christopher could hear the heaviness in his tone, the one that always preceded a hard cry. “Whatcha doin?”
“Just, uh, making sure I’ve got everything.”
“You brought three things with you, you’re probably good.”
“Yeah.”
Christopher sat on the bed next to Buck’s duffel and sighed.
“I’m sorry she did that to you,” Buck finally said. “I…know what it feels like to think your dad wants nothing to do with you. I know how that hurts. I’m so sorry you had to experience that.”
“I’m not gonna lie, it did hurt, and I’m…” Christopher looked at Eddie’s bedroom door, no doubt thinking about the people on the other side of it. “I’m not happy about how my abuela acted. That’s going to be a conversation. Soon.” He turned back to Buck. “But none of it is your fault, and I’m sorry she said that it was.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s not fine, Buck, and it’s not true, you know it’s not.” When Buck didn’t respond, Christopher chanced a look at him. His cheeks were already tear stained, and he was staring at his bag like it had said those awful things to him, instead of Helena. “Buck…you do know it’s not true, right?”
“Your dad loves you,” Buck said. He wiped at his eyes, an action that only served to make room for fresh tears. “He loves you so much, you’re his whole world. He would never be too busy for you, whatever that means. God, the amount of times I had to talk him back from a full on breakdown because he missed you so much.”
“I know that.”
“You know that now,” Buck said, gently throwing Christopher’s words back at him. “I’m so sorry I made you doubt that.”
“You didn’t make me doubt anything, my abuela did.”
“Because of me.”
“No, because she can’t stomach not being in control.”
“You don’t understand,” Buck said. “You didn’t see how devastated he was when he couldn’t talk to you, when he thought you didn’t want to talk to him.” Buck pushed his bag away and sat next to Christopher, his eyes locked on the floor. “It was her choice and I’m not saying she was right to do it but…knowing she did it because of me…I can't take that hurt away from either of you.”
“It’s not your responsibility to take it from us. You didn’t cause it.”
“Except that I—”
Christopher groaned. “No you didn’t! She did! And even if there was some truth to it being even partially your fault - which there’s not because it isn’t - she still chose to do what she did based on literally nothing anyway. Christopher never had an attitude with us before he met you. Please, I never had anything with them, because dad kept them at arm's length, and now I know why.” He sighed. “Also? I’m a teenager. Attitude’s kinda what I do right now.”
“I don’t know how to give you that time back.”
Christopher studied Buck for a moment. He looked and sounded small and zoned out, which usually only happened when he was spiraling hard. Whatever he was telling himself, it must have been bad, more than Christopher could handle. He needed back up.
“Ok,” he finally said, patting Buck on the back. “You leave me no choice. I’m calling in the big guns.” When Buck still didn’t react, Christopher cleared his throat and raised his voice. “Dad!”
“In a minute!”
“Now. Abuela knows where the door is, you’re needed in here!”
There was a bit of a delay, no doubt Eddie wrapping things up with his parents, and then a gentle knock at the door before it opened. “Hey,” Eddie said. His eyes flicked from Christopher to Buck, “what’s u—oh, Buck, no.”
Buck looked up then. The moment his eyes locked with Eddie’s, his face crumpled and he began to openly sob. Eddie closed the distance between them in seconds, yanking Buck into his arms and holding him as tightly as possible.
Buck fought it at first, trying to tell Eddie to talk to Christopher, to make sure he was ok, but when Eddie once more looked at his son, Christopher was shaking his head, staring at Buck with concern. “I’m sorry,” Buck finally said. “I’m so fucking sorry I kept him from you, Eddie. I didn’t mean to, I swear, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Eddie’s throat went tight. Buck sounded so broken and he had no idea what to do about it other than to repeat what he was sure Christopher had already told him. “You have nothing to be sorry for, you’re not responsible for what my mother does. She just said that to hurt you.”
“Fucking n-nailed it.”
“No,” Eddie said, pushing Buck back enough so he could cradle his face in his hands and look him in the eye. “Buck. Listen to what I’m saying. She didn’t keep Christopher from me because of you, she just said she did. Because she wanted to hurt you.”
Buck blinked. “It wasn’t because of me?”
“Nope.”
“You’re sure?”
“I’m positive. I’m sorry she hurt you like that, but Christopher and I know you love us, we know you’d never do anything to hurt us.”
“You missed him so much.”
“I know, and you were there every time I needed you.” Eddie pressed a kiss to Buck’s forehead. “You kept me going, kept my hope alive. And when I made the decision to come out here, it was you who helped me do so.” He kissed the tip of Buck’s nose. “You didn’t keep me from him, you helped me get back to him.”
Buck dropped his forehead to Eddie’s shoulder and gripped his shirt as tightly as possible, pulling him even closer. “You’re sure?”
“I can promise you, as mean as this is gonna sound, my mother wasn’t sparing you a thought when she was concocting that particular plan.”
“I just…”
“I know,” Eddie said, his voice soft. “I know. It’s why I didn’t want her near you. She’s always known what to say to cut straight to someone’s heart and you…you don’t exactly lock yours away.”
“Hurting you…hurting either of you…that’s one of my worst nightmares. Knowing I had any hand in any of the separation between you…” Buck shook his head. “I’m sorry. You should be focusing on Christopher right now, not me.”
“Christopher and I have a series of conversations ahead of us.”
“Yeah, cuz that’s messed up.”
Eddie nodded in agreement. “But again, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I made it about me. Again.”
“You didn’t make it about you, my mother made it about you. You took a knife to the gut and reacted accordingly.”
“You’re so dramatic.”
“He’s bleeding out everywhere, dad. I think he might need to stay longer.”
“I think so, too.”
Buck shook his head. “Can’t. Gotta work.”
“Hmm…” Christopher said.
“Indeed,” Eddie said.
“Do you think Captain Nash would fire him if he was kidnapped?”
“That would be kind of cruel of him.”
“He’s never going to believe you kidnapped me,” Buck said. His voice was still small, still a little shaky, but there was a hint of amusement in it.
Eddie pulled his phone out, tapped the screen a bit, and held it to his ear. “Guess we’ll just have to see about that.”
“Eddie, hang up. He’s not gonna–”
“Hey Cap!”
“You’re not really calling him,” Buck said, finally lifting his head so he could search Eddie’s face for any signs that he was lying.
“Yeah no, he’s doing great. We’re…yeah…yes…we’re all doing great. Random question, though: if Buck were, say, kidnapped, would he get in trouble for missing work? Uh-huh…uh-huh…well, I’ll level with you. We had a not so great evening just now and I’m thinking I might have to keep him here longer for…observation.”
“Don’t listen to him, Cap, I’m fine!”
“Uh-huh…uh-huh…oh, oh no, you don’t say…yeah I’ll tell him.” Eddie lowered the phone. “Cap said you’re suspended anyway.”
Buck looked appalled. “What? What? Why?”
“Apparently you’ve not shown up to work for a whole week.”
Christopher howled with laughter as Buck’s jaw dropped.
“It was approved time o–let me talk to him!”
Eddie raised the phone again. “He’d like to speak to you about this. Uh-huh…uh-huh…ok. One moment. He said his lawyers advised him not to speak to you until your suspension is concluded.”
“Too soon.”
“It was 500 years ago!”
“And how long is this suspension?”
“He wants to know how long he’s suspended for…yeah, ok, I’ll ask. Christopher, how much longer do we want Buck here?”
“Forever!”
“Think smaller.”
“For…a month?”
“Mijo.”
“Week and a half.”
“Week and a half…uh-huh…yeah, I’ll tell him.” Eddie lowered the phone once more. “You’re suspended for a week and a half.”
Buck scowled at him. “Do I look stupid to you?”
“Don’t answer that, dad, he’s still fragile!”
“Watch it!” Buck directed his scowl toward Christopher, but there was no malice behind it. Instead, he seemed to be having a difficult time not laughing.
“Hey,” Eddie said, his voice a little more serious, “Bobby said to take as much time as you need, you’ve got the time saved up. And Hen said she loves you.”
Buck got misty eyed again and hid his face in the crook of Eddie’s neck, mumbling an I love her, too that Eddie relayed with far more embellishments. Once the phone call was concluded, Eddie and Christopher ushered Buck to the living room and swarmed him on the couch, hugging him tight until they felt him finally relax. Eddie explained how the conversation with Helena and Ramon went, assuring Buck that she was not allowed in their house while he was there, until such a time as she could apologize for her behavior and treat him with respect.
“If she wants to act like a child, I’ll treat her like one,” he said with a huff. “That whole business was ridiculous. And that’s just the stuff involving you,” he said, squeezing Buck’s shoulder. Eddie glanced at Christopher then, his voice softening still. “As far as you’re concerned, it’s up to you.”
Christopher raised an eyebrow. “What is?”
“How you want to handle this.”
“What…” Christopher frowned. “What does that mean, exactly?”
“It means that if you never want to speak to them again, I’ll make that happen. If you need time away from them until you’re comfortable enough to tell them how you feel and demand an apology, I’ll make that happen. If you want them removed as even emergency contacts, so they can’t so much as pick you up from school without your express permission, I’ll make that happen. They hurt you, too, and as much as I want to go scorched earth like I did with Buck, they’re still your grandparents, and you have a relationship with them. So you get to decide what happens with that.”
Christopher was quiet for a moment. “Do I have to decide now?”
“Absolutely not. They’ve been told to keep their distance until you do, and if that takes five years, so be it.”
“I don’t wanna think about them right now, I’m still pretty mad.”
Eddie tousled his son’s hair gently. “That’s ok, and completely your choice. We move how you want us to move regarding almost anything, but especially after she decided to behave like that.”
“I’ve never seen her that bad before,” Christopher said, a little awestruck. Buck put an arm around his shoulders and squeezed, and Christopher crowded even closer in response.
“I have,” Eddie said. His face was somber, sad in a way neither of them had seen before. “She would get like that when I was a kid, when I brought a friend over she didn’t quite like or…whenever, really. That’s how she gets when you’re out of line in her eyes. She just…tries to beat you into submission.”
“That’s how she was your whole childhood?” Christopher asked, his eyes wide.
“Not the whole time,” Eddie said with an uneasy laugh. “But there’s a reason I didn’t want them raising you. I didn’t want that kind of childhood for you.”
Buck sniffled again. “Your dad’s kinda cool,” he whispered.
“I know,” Christopher whispered back. “He’d be even cooler if he let me still stay home from school tomorrow even though we’re not taking you to the airport.”
“Nice try,” Eddie whispered.
“Are you guys really making me stay longer?”
“I didn’t realize it was such a hardship,” Eddie said, feigning offense, “But yes. You’ve officially been kidnapped.”
“You guys don’t have to do this, I’ll be ok.”
“He’s not gonna be ok,” Christopher said. “It was bad before you got there.”
“It was pretty bad after I got there.”
“I just got stuck in my head, I’ll be fine!” Buck sank down into their joint hug a bit more, getting comfortable. “I have tapes to listen to!”
“What is this man talking about?” Christopher asked.
“I’ll explain later,” Eddie said, his cheeks pink.
“Your father did something very lovely for me before he left.”
“Oh?”
“Yup. He made me all these cassette tapes like a dork, to help me cope with his absence.”
“Bet you cried like a baby.”
“You’d win that bet. Went to Hen for a hug looking like that one lemur in Madagascar.”
Christopher laughed again.
“The tapes will still be there when you get home,” Eddie said finally.
“If I ever get home.”
“Don’t act like you’re broken up about this.” Eddie smiled at him, stealing a quick kiss as soon as Buck looked at him, before directing his attention to Christopher. “Alright, bedtime. You have school in the morning, and it’s probably gonna take you a minute to wind down after all that.”
Christopher groaned. “Dad, if I go to school tomorrow, abuela’s gonna think she won!”
“Let her think what she wants, we gotta save that absence for something good.”
Christopher’s eyes lit up. “Like Six Flags?”
“Oh hell yeah!” Buck said, looking to Eddie hopefully. “Yeah?”
Eddie grinned ear to ear, and that was enough to get Buck and Christopher whooping and hollering. “Alright, alright, alright,” Eddie said, laughing right along with them, “Go get ready for bed.”
Christopher saluted. “Aye-aye, captain!” He hugged them both one more time, wishing them both a goodnight, before disappearing down the hall.
Buck snuggled closer to Eddie in Christopher’s absence, relishing the closeness. “He’s a great kid,” he said. “You did an amazing job.”
“Not by myself.”
“Well, yeah, but Carla and Shannon aren’t here to collect their flowers, are they?”
“You helped too,” Eddie said, chuckling. “I’m really sorry about my mom. I don’t know what her problem is, she literally has no reason to dislike you.”
“Christopher said she sees me as your tether to LA, the thing that’s keeping you from committing to Texas.”
“He’s probably right.” Eddie sighed. “But that’s not…you’re not the only reason I’d return to LA.”
“Sounds fake,” Buck said. “Admit it, if it weren’t for me you’d have gone full cowboy by now.”
“You got me,” Eddie said with a laugh. “I’d be walking around in boots and assless chaps if you hadn’t shown up when you did.”
“Dammit, Hen!”
Eddie laughed louder. “Nah, I was always gonna come back. Even if Christopher didn’t want anything to do with LA, I still would have moved back once he was off to college.” He shrugged. “I mean, I’m sure you would have moved on by then but you’re still my best friend, and my life just isn’t the same without you in it.”
“How could I move on from you?”
“Well if you had properly completed the Buck Project then you wouldn’t have waited for me.”
“Not true. I wouldn’t have put my life on hold, but true love is true love, Eds. I’d be crazy to squander that over something as conquerable as distance.”
“True love, huh?”
“You don’t agree?”
“More like, I’m honored. You really think I’m worthy of that title?”
“Of course! You’re my best friend, my partner in crime, the yin to my yang. Why wouldn’t you also be my greatest love?”
Eddie hid his face slightly. “You’re such a hopeless romantic.”
“Well you’re hopeless for this romantic so…checkmate.” Buck shifted so he could press a kiss against the tender spot just below Eddie’s ear. Eddie bit back the moan that move elicited and squirmed slightly as Buck breathed a laugh against his skin. “Love you,” he said. “Can’t believe I landed someone like you.”
“Like you’re not a catch yourself.”
“I know I’m attractive,” Buck said, rolling his eyes. “But you’ve known me for seven years, the fact that you’re still willing to put up with me is–”
Eddie pressed two fingers against Buck’s lips. “Let’s get one thing straight. I’m not putting up with you. You make me happy, you make my son happy. You’re one of the kindest people I know, you have a huge heart, and you’re a damn good cook. I haven’t had to use google for like, five years because I know you. I love everything that you are and fuck anyone who ever made you feel like that’s some kind of feat cuz it’s not. Loving you is easy, and I plan to do it for the rest of my life.”
“Jesus, Eds,” Buck said, hiding his reddened face in the hollow of Eddie’s neck.
“Think about that next time you wanna suggest I’m putting up with you.” Eddie buried a hand in Buck’s hair, giving his scalp a few scratches and relishing in how Buck absolutely melted against him in response, before sighing and gently nudging him up. “Ok, upsy-daisy, I need to shower.”
“I call shower after you.”
Eddie looked at Buck, a strange look on his face. “Seriously?”
“What?” Buck laughed. “Oh. Yeah, guess I don’t have to call it, not really anyone else who could take it.”
“That’s not…Buck. Seriously?”
“What?”
“Why would you take a shower after me?”
“Because contrary to popular belief, I’m not a big enough asshole to take it before you.”
Eddie laughed. “Buck.”
“What?”
“Buck.”
“What?”
“I don’t…are you fucking with me right now?”
Buck raised an eyebrow, clearly confused. “No?”
Eddie laughed again. Buck was looking at him with a face that was so genuinely perplexed, it was equal parts adorable and hilarious. “So I said I’m gonna take a shower, and your brain said oh, I need to take one of those, too, and somewhere between your brain and your mouth that turned into I call shower after you, but at no point during this entire exchange did it ever become let me jump in with you?”
“Oh.” Buck’s eyes grew wide. “Oh! Can I?”
“Of course you can!”
“Honestly forgot that was an option.”
“Yeah,” Eddie said, still laughing, “I figured.”
Buck pouted slightly. “Don’t make fun of me, it’s not my fault my head’s not permanently in the gutter.”
Eddie shook his head and held up a finger. “One, yes it is.” He held up another finger. “Two, nothing dirty about two bros showering together.”
“You did not just say that.”
“And three,” he said as he held up a third finger, “I’m not making fun of you. I’m just happy. You make me happy.” He took Buck’s outstretched hand and pulled him to his feet and into his arms. “I can’t believe I get to love you,” he whispered. Buck pulled him closer still, capturing his lips in a searing kiss as they stumbled down the hall together.
In the end, Christopher and Eddie managed to hold onto Buck for three weeks before he simply could not go without working any longer. Even then, they tried everything they could think of to make him stay: begging, bartering, marriage for tax purposes. Nothing was off the table. Still, Buck had a mortgage to pay, especially if Eddie and Christopher wanted to have a place to stay when the school year was over. They managed to say goodbye without sobbing uncontrollably, but if Eddie needed a minute before he could drive Christopher and himself home, or if Buck hid his face in his hoodie first chance he got, neither of them mentioned it to the other.
Arriving home to an empty house after having spent so long with his Diaz boys was a bit more than he could handle, and he was calling Eddie before he’d even set his bag down. “Tell me I love my job and I’d be miserable if I quit it and moved to Texas full time.”
“Now why would I tell you that?”
“Because you love me and you want me to be happy.”
“Mmmm, I don’t know…”
“Let me talk to Chris.”
“Christopher!”
“What?”
“Will you tell Buck he loves his job and doesn’t wanna move to Texas full time?”
“Why would I tell him that?”
“Christopher said it’s a no from him, too.”
“This house is empty and cold and I hate it here and I wanna go back.”
Eddie sighed. “You love your job and you’re really good at it and you’d be miserable if you quit it and moved to Texas full time.” He dropped onto the couch. “You don’t even like El Paso, you’re not gonna move here for good.”
“Not for good, just until Christopher’s done with school.”
“Buck. You can’t drop everything and move to El Paso, just like I can’t drop everything and move to LA. These are the stages of life that we’re in, and it sucks but we gotta stick it out, right?”
“I guess.”
“I’m assuming your flight got in ok?”
“Nope. Crashed.”
“Oh no.”
“Yup. But everyone was wearing their seatbelts, so miraculously there was only one casualty.”
“Was it you?”
“Indeed it was.”
“Were you not wearing your seatbelt?”
“Nope. Had to use the bathroom.”
“I told you not to drink so much water before a flight!”
“Altitude dries me out!”
“You’re gonna be real dried out six feet under!”
“Wow you’re not even sad.”
“How can I be? Oh no, Eddie, we heard about Buck! How did it happen? Well, he was sucked out the toilet.”
“Hey, how’d you know that’s how I died?”
“Oh, uh, you must have told me.”
“No, I didn’t, because I’m dead!”
“…shit.”
“I knew it! You planned this, didn’t you??”
“Well what’d you expect after you vacuumed up my ashes for no reason?”
“OH HERE WE GO, YOU JUST CAN’T LET THAT GO, CAN YOU?”
“WHY WOULD I LET IT GO? IT WAS MALICIOUS AND—”
“Who are you yelling at?”
Eddie whipped around to find Christopher standing behind him, seemingly trying to decide if he should laugh or not.
“Buck.” Eddie put Buck on speaker.
“Oh. He get home ok?”
“No. The plane crashed and he got sucked out the toilet.”
Christopher stared at his dad, fighting the urge to smile hard. “Buck’s dead?”
“I know your dad was behind it, too!”
“But…he was just here. I can practically still hear his voice.”
“It’s gonna be rough, but we’ll get through this. Together.”
“Watch your back, Chris! I bet you’re next!”
“Think I can have his tv?”
“Probably.”
“WOW.”
That got Christopher to crack a smile and laughter followed close after. Once he started, Eddie couldn’t help but join in and pretty soon Buckwas laughing right along with them. Just like that, the emptiness in his chest filled, with joy and so, so much love, and before long they were chatting about anything and everything they could think of. When Christopher had to say goodnight and get ready for bed, Buck’s heart only ached a little bit and when Eddie eventually had to say the same, Buck made it a whole half hour before he called his sister.
When Project Buck started, Buck was receiving a tape nearly every day. By the time he visited Eddie and Christopher in El Paso, he was receiving one every other week. He expected every new tape to be the last one, but was no more ready when it did come than he would have been going in blind.
“I’m gonna tell you right away - this is the last tape.”
Buck’s head snapped up, and immediately his chest felt empty. The tapes had made Eddie feel so much closer, and the thought of having finally reached the last one…he gave his head a shake and tried to focus on Eddie’s words.
“I knew I was coming up on the end of this little project and I’ve been dreading it, mostly because I just didn’t know how to end it. I was fully prepared to just let the last one be the last one, you know? Spending the day with everyone special to you, and then just…letting it end? Sounded perfect. But…” Eddie sighed, and Buck leaned forward slightly. There was something else in the sound, something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, that made his heart ache. “You just left. I could tell you didn’t want to and I didn’t want you to, either.” He laughed quietly. “I almost asked you to crash here. I know you’ll be back tomorrow to send me off and I know how it’s gonna go. You’re gonna try to seem ok, and so am I. I have to. I can’t…I won’t do that to you. I won’t break because if I break, then you’ll break, and then you’ll spiral. The thing is, I don’t know how I’m gonna do that when I couldn’t even say goodbye tonight without breaking down afterwards. I’m–” Eddie cut himself off with a deep, shaky breath, and finally Buck understood what it was that sounded off, that made his heart ache and had him actively fighting the urge to get on a plane so he could hug Eddie in under 5 hours.
Eddie was crying.
“I want you to come with me. It’s eating me up that you’re not, and it’s even worse knowing the only reason you’re not is because I won’t ask. If I did? I know you’d come. You wouldn’t even hesitate and I want that so badly, because god am I scared. I’m scared I’m gonna get there and Christopher’s going to tell me to come back, that he’s happier living with my parents and he doesn’t want me to be his dad anymore. And I know if you’re there with me, I’ll make it through that. I’ll recover. And maybe eventually he’ll come around. But alone? Without you? I know that’s how I need to do this but I don’t want to, I’m scared of being alone, I’m scared of losing everything and everyone I love because I made a stupid mistake. I’m…I’m terrified of going back to that environment, in reach of my parents and the special brand of suffocation that comes with being their son, and not having you there to back me up, to make sure I don’t just buckle under their scrutiny.”
Buck’s phone buzzed in his pocket and he tossed it on the bed. Whoever it was could wait.
“And I’m scared of not being able to just…go to you when I need you. Or when you need me. I’m scared of being almost a thousand miles away while you’re running into burning buildings and putting your life on the line for fucking dogs.”
Buck laughed despite the lump in his throat.
“Maybe Chim’s onto something with this codependence bullshit cuz…I don’t wanna do this without you, Buck. And I’m telling you this now…because I won’t tell you tomorrow. I’m getting it out now so tomorrow I can lie through my teeth. But you deserve to know. You deserve to know how much you mean to me, how badly I want you to come with me. Not now, not tomorrow, because you’ll have enough to deal with in regards to your own emotions but…at the end of the project seems right. It feels like how I should close it out, you know? After everything, all the processing and bonding and moving on, it’s fitting that I end it with this. Because you do matter to me, Buck. You make everything easier just by being near, and I don’t want you to think anything different just because I’m not falling apart tomorrow. I know you hate being left, and I know that’s what this is going to feel like at first. Hopefully not for long; hopefully the first tape will nip that in the bud. But if not, let me say in no uncertain terms that the only thing that could tear me away from you is Christopher. There is literally nothing and no one else that could ever get me to go anywhere you’re not. And maybe that’s not healthy, maybe that’s weird and creepy and makes you uncomfortable, maybe after you listen to this you’ll block my number and pray I don’t come back cuz what the actual fuck, Eddie? But you deserve honesty. Or at least…as much honesty as I’m willing to say through a tape. And more than that, you deserve to know that you’re my person. Something shifted when I met you, Buck. I’m not the same guy I was before I met you and I don’t want to be. I only want to be this version of me, the one that knows you and adores you and kinda wants to kidnap you because I literally have no idea how I’m gonna do this without you. That’s not very best friend of you, Eds. Yeah, well…we passed best friends about three years ago. You’re so much more than that now, you’re…you’re…my Buck. You know?” He took another deep, shaky breath, and let it out slowly. “Yeah. You know. And you’re not weirded out or uncomfortable, you’re not gonna block my number or hope I stay in Texas forever. In fact, I’d bet even money that you’re thinking something real fuckin’ weird right now, just so you can out-weird me. Something like, you’d crawl into my chest if you could.”
Buck laughed so suddenly at that, he almost choked on his own tears. Of all the things Eddie had guessed, for him to get as close to I’d claw open your chest and live there if I knew it wouldn’t hurt you as he did was next fucking level.
Eddie chuckled as well. “God I can’t wait to hear how close I got, that sounds so much like some weird shit you’d say. And it’d be as endearing as you are.”
“Jesus, Eds, just say you’re in love with me.”
The tape was quiet for a long time, so long that Buck was beginning to think it was over. Then, he heard Eddie again, small and impossibly sad.
“I’m really going to miss you, Buck. I hope you can come out and visit soon, cuz I know Christopher misses you, too. This is gonna suck, but it’s not forever. Ok? Yeah. It’s not forever. We’ll–” Another shaky breath. “We’ll be together again, someday. Until then, don’t ever - ever - forget that you’re my Buck, you’re enough, and I will come back to you someday. And hey, listen…thanks for going on this weird ride with me. It means a lot to know you’re willing to indulge me in my crazy and…to know you’re gonna be ok. Talk to you soon, Buck. Just…not like this. Cuz - say it with me now - this is the last tape.”
Buck did, in fact, say it along with him. “I hear you, Eds.”
“Ok. I’m…gonna cry by myself for a couple hours so I can lie to you convincingly in the morning. Bye, Buck.”
“Bye, Eds.”
There was once more the sound of shuffling and a pop, and that was it. Project Buck was complete. Buck sat in his living room - a living room Eddie used to frequent because it used to be his - and let the finality of it all wash over him. There would be no more tapes, no more little surprises from Eddie to get him through his sadder days, little projects to get his mind off of the miles between them. There was just the silence and the empty living room and the house that was too big for one person and the knock at the door.
Buck paused for a second, before turning toward the sound. He was staring hard at the door, unsure of whether or not he had actually heard anything, when it happened again. He made his way toward the door slowly, because Buck could not for the life of him think of anyone who would come over and just…knock. Usually there was yelling, too; Chimney and Maddie and Jee yelling for him to hurry, Hen and/or Karen ranting about how they don’t just have a key already, Bobby telling him to open up, stuff like that. But this…this was just…knocking. Firm. Determined. Maybe a little impatient. He paused a moment before opening the small viewport on the door and peeking out, and then he was ripping the door open to reveal Eddie himself, hand raised and poised to knock again.
“Hey,” he said a little out of breath. “Took you long enough.”
“What are you doing here?”
“Surprising my boyfriend,” Eddie said with a smile. “And trying to get here before you listen to the last tape but…I can see I didn’t succeed in that regard.”
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Buck said, before yanking him into a bone crushing hug. “I love you so much, I hate that you were so sad and I didn’t know, you should have told me, Eddie, I would have–”
“Whoa whoa whoa,” Eddie said, laughing. “Did you just listen to it?” Buck nodded. “Oh, that explains why you didn’t answer your phone.” He sighed. “I really thought I could get to you before you listened to it, I was making such good time!”
Buck finally pulled back from the hug enough to look Eddie in the eye. “That was you?”
“Yup.”
“Well now I feel bad.”
“Can’t fool me, you listened to the tape, you already felt bad.”
“Did you…not want me to listen to it?”
“Not alone. Not when I was so close.”
“You thought it’d be easier if you were here when I listened to it?”
“Yeah, and I would have been right.”
“You would not have been right! I wouldn’t have gotten through it! God, Eds, you sounded so broken.”
“Didn’t just sound broken.” Eddie gestured to the room behind Buck. “Can I come in?”
“It’s your house.”
“It literally isn’t anymore.”
Buck scoffed. “If it’s mine, it’s yours, dumbass.”
“So is that a yes…?”
“If you don’t get in here—”
Eddie laughed and surged forward, crashing their lips together and pushing Buck back into the house. He kicked the door shut behind him as Buck hooked a finger through one of his belt loops and tugged him further in still, toward the couch, their couch. Eddie shoved him gently once they’d reached it and almost fell himself, but Buck released his belt loop at the last second. Buck landed in the couch with a thud and a laugh, and Eddie took him in for a moment before crawling into his lap and continuing the kiss.
“Missed you,” Eddie said as he moved to kissing along Buck’s jaw. “Almost didn’t make it.”
“To…California?”
Eddie breathed a laughed against his skin. “Sure.”
“Eds.”
“Hmm?”
“H…hold on…a second…”
Eddie stilled, the tender flesh of Buck’s collarbone slipping from between his teeth. “You good?”
“Better than good,” Buck said. “Just had a few questions.”
Eddie sat up so he could stare down at Buck incredulously. “A few questions.”
“Yeah.”
“By all means.”
“Eds,” Buck said with a small laugh. “Don’t pout.”
“I’m not pouting, I’m offended.”
“Why?” Buck continued to laugh.
“Thought you liked when I marked you up.”
“I do.”
“But you like asking a few questions more.”
“Your mom interrupted us making out. More than once.”
Eddie narrowed his eyes a bit before sighing and dropping his head onto Buck’s shoulder. “Fine. Ask your stupid questions.”
“Oh poor baby, did you miss me that much?”
“Yes.” Eddie pressed a kiss to the side of Buck’s neck. “The missing you almost killed me.”
Buck’s heart did a thing at that, and he felt his cheeks heat up. “I-is that why you’re here?”
“I already told you, I’m here to surprise you.”
“Okay but you can see how that’s not really an answer, right?” Buck danced his hand up Eddie’s back, trying to will his heart to stop racing. “You have a kid and - as much as I hate to say it - a life in El Paso. You just…dropped all that to come see me?”
“Yes and no.” Another kiss, this one atop the spot he’d bitten earlier. “Christopher came with me, he’s staying the night at the Wilson’s. He’s got a four day weekend and since I still technically owed him a day off school, we made it a five day weekend. He missed you, too.”
“And work?”
“Self Employed, remember? My schedule’s flexible and you…you’re heading into a 96.”
“And how would you know that?”
“I have informants.”
“Well this worked out nicely, didn’t it?”
“Mmm,” Eddie hummed, resuming kissing along Buck’s collarbone, “might have been planning it for a while.” He sat up suddenly, his brow furrowed as he tugged at Buck’s shirt. “Ok, this is getting in my way and on my nerves.”
Buck smiled up at Eddie, before grabbing a fistful of his shirt and tugging him down for a proper kiss. “Glad you’re here, I missed you, too.”
“Any more questions, riddle master?”
“No,” Buck said with a laugh, “that was all of them.”
“Good. Now,” Eddie tugged at Buck’s shirt again, “get rid of this.”
“Yes sir.”
The visit was short, but the three of them made the most of it. Christopher couldn’t stop talking about what they’d do when he and Eddie moved back, and at some point Buck asked him if he’d like to get his room ready. That seemed to catch him off guard, and when he finally responded he seemed…shy.
“Do you think Jee would get upset?”
“Nah, she’ll be thrilled. She added the dinosaurs for you. Though…you might have to take her to the zoo for full forgiveness.”
That got him the biggest smile he’d seen from the boy in a long time, and that evening they were picking up paint swatches and discussing how he’d want it to look.
Eddie didn’t seem as eager to move back as Christopher was, but Buck quickly learned that he just didn’t want to step in Buck’s toes. Once Buck reassured him that it was still his ho me, too, he seemed more comfortable with the idea.
Denny came over Sunday afternoon to help Christopher paint, and by Sunday evening everyone they loved was packed into their home, and Buck was certain he couldn’t have been happier if he tried. He was proven wrong that night when Eddie told him that he and Christopher were officially moving back to LA at the end of the school year. Buck nearly burst into tears at the news and immediately started yammering about the logistics of said move, until Eddie took his hand and reminded him that it was still a ways away. Even still, Buck said, you’ll always have a home here.
Buck threw himself into work after Eddie and Christopher’s visit, picking up extra shifts wherever he could, until Bobby forced him to take a break and tattled to Eddie, who then called Buck and lectured him about “not taking very good care of my boyfriend”. Buck would take a couple days off, and then he’d be back to picking up extra shifts until Bobby sent him home, tattled, lather, rinse, repeat. After more than a few rounds of this, Eddie finally asked Buck why he kept working himself to exhaustion, and Buck just shrugged.
“I was in El Paso for a month, Eds, I wanna make them sick of seeing my face so I can still come back out for the summer.”
“Why would you need to come out for summer?”
“You’re not planning on packing everything you own into a Prius, are you? I’ll bring my truck, that way you don’t have to worry about trying to pull a U-Haul with that thing.”
“Oh that’s…” Eddie cleared his throat. “You still need to be taking better care of yourself.”
“Are ya blushin’ Eds?” Buck flopped onto his bed, smiling at the ceiling. “Do you feel all gooey inside cuz I was thinkin’ about ya?”
“You’re such a dork,” Eddie said, laughing.
“That’s not a no.”
“You better watch your back when we live together.”
“You gonna make me blush?”
“That’s gonna be the least of your worries.”
Buck laughed. “What a threat.”
“Gonna love the hell out of you,” Eddie continued, doing his best to sound menacing. “Gonna make you forget what life was like before I loved you.”
Buck rolled over, hiding his face despite the fact that Eddie couldn’t see how red it was. “You’re so…”
“Romantic? Wonderful? Perfect?”
“Cheesy.”
“Rude.”
“I like it.”
“Being rude? I’ve noticed.”
“No. You. Being all…aggressively lovey-dovey. It’s nice.”
“Oh.” Eddie smiled. “Yeah. Get used to that, that’s gonna be your new normal.”
Buck sighed. “I can’t wait.”
“You sound like you don’t believe me.”
“I believe you, Eds. I just…don’t know what that looks like.”
“Well, I hate that. Your exes suck.”
“They’re not that bad. You’re just next level.”
Eddie was glad Buck couldn’t see how that comment made him grin. “Be that as it may, there’s still no excuse for them to have not made you feel loved.”
“I’m sure they tried, but…I know I’m a lot. And with as many times as I’ve cheated death, I can’t really be expecting more miracles now, can I?”
“The miracle in this instance would be…them loving you?”
“I mean–”
“No. Wrong. Loving you is not a miracle, Buck. It’s as easy as breathing.”
“Eds–”
“No point in arguing with me, I’m practically an expert on this topic.”
“…my exes?”
“Loving you. Been doing it for years.”
Buck’s smile was soft as he hid his face yet again, unsure of what to do with the warmth that was spreading through his whole body the more Eddie talked. The truth was, Buck had felt loved when he was in those relationships, but none of them had made him feel the way Eddie did. Even before they were together, Eddie had had a way of saying things that left Buck no choice but to believe him. You act like you’re expendable but you’re wrong. There’s no one I trust with my son more than you. It’s so important to me that you know I’m not leaving you behind. You’re my Buck, you’re enough. At some point, Buck started to realize that his straight best friend’s platonic affection made him feel far more wanted and safe and warm than any of his past romantic relationships, and it was finally clicking that the way Eddie was with him, that was how love was supposed to feel. And Eddie said it was easy, that loving Buck was as easy as breathing, something he did without even having to think about it. Loving Buck was so easy, Eddie hadn’t even noticed he was doing it at first.
“I don’t think I deserve you,” Buck finally said, his voice quiet, “but fuck if I’m ever letting you go without a fight.”
“Why wouldn’t you deserve me? Because I love you?”
“Because you love me so much, and you act like it’s nothing.”
“It’s not nothing, Buck, it’s just easy.”
“That, that’s what I mean. It’s not easy, it’s never been easy for anyone else.”
“Well, it is for me.” Eddie thought for a moment. “I bet if you asked, Maddie would say it’s easy for her, too. And so would Bobby, and Hen, and Chim, and Jee, and Christopher. I think even Athena would say so.”
“Maybe, but they’re–”
“Family?”
“Yeah.”
“That’s what I’m saying. They’re your people, loving you is gonna come easy to your people.”
“That’s not been my experience.”
“We’re gonna fix that, though, and we’re gonna start with showering you with so much ooey-gooey lovey-dovey bullshit, you’re gonna get sick of it.”
“Never.”
“Is that a challenge, Buckley?”
Buck chuckled. “Sure.”
“Gonna buy you flowers, and little gifts because seeing them made me think of you, and I’m gonna kiss you every chance I get, and hold your hands constantly. You’re not gonna be able to go anywhere without me hanging off of you.”
“This all sounds lovely, Eds.”
“Shh, I’m not done threatening you.”
“My mistake. Carry on.”
“Every time a cheesy love song comes on shuffle? That’s for you. Anytime a sexy love song comes on shuffle? That’s for you, too.”
“Would a sexy love song technically be a fucking love song?”
Eddie was nodding before Buck even finished talking. “Indeed.”
“What about a cheesy fucking love song? Is that still sexy?”
“We’re getting off topic.”
“So you’re saying you don’t know.”
“I’m saying that’s not the point.”
“Mmhmm.”
“The point is, I’m gonna love you through the floor, and I’m not even gonna break a sweat cuz it’ll be so easy.”
“Yeah well…bring it on. You’ll be so busy loving me you won’t see me coming until I’ve already loved the fuck outta you.”
“If it’s a fight you want it’s a fight you’ll get.”
They were both quiet for a beat before they burst into laughter, giddy and hysterical and delightful.
“What is wrong with us?” Eddie asked, grinning so hard he wondered if his cheeks would be sore in the morning. “We can’t just say I love you like normal people?”
“I’m glad, honestly. I love you so much it makes me crazy, and I'd be so self-conscious about that if you weren’t a little crazy for me, too.”
“What a relief that I’m a lot crazy for you, then.”
“Exactly.”
They laughed again and Eddie sighed when he caught sight of what time it was. “Well, I should probably let you go. I…can’t even remember why I called in the first place.”
“Because you love me and you miss me and you wanted to hear my voice.”
“That does sound like me.”
“I know. When you told me that was why you called I was like, ah, classic Eds.”
Eddie started to chuckle, but the sound died when he remembered the real reason behind his call. “Wait, no, I called because you’re in trouble.”
“Me? Sounds fake.”
“Buck.”
“I really think it was because you missed me.”
“Buck.”
“Yes, Eddie?”
He sighed again. “Stop working yourself so hard. You have plenty of time saved up for the summer. Don’t work yourself to exhaustion, that’s how people get hurt, especially in our line of work. And how would Christopher and I feel if you got seriously injured trying to get to us? Hmm?”
Buck winced. “Playing dirty, I see.”
“Whatever’ll wake you up and make you take care of my boyfriend. So?”
“Fine, fine. I won’t take as many extra shifts. I guess I could always just…hang out with Hen or Ravi if I need a distraction from missing you.”
“Or the Buckley-Hans, they’re an option. You can also call me,” Eddie said gently. “I’ve always got time for you.”
“That’ll just make me miss you more.”
“Maybe, but think of how much fun we’ll have before that hits.”
“Fun, huh?”
“Goodnight, Buck.”
“Night, Eds.”
Buck continued to pick up extra shifts here and there, but stayed true to his word and didn’t overwork himself. He and Eddie spoke frequently and the closer they got to summer, the more their conversations started to lean toward the eventual move, the more excited Buck got. Most of his free time was spent getting the house ready for their arrival so that they (mostly Eddie) wouldn’t feel like they were intruding in Buck’s life at all. He bought the house in part because it had been Christopher’s and Eddie’s home, and he desperately wanted it to feel like that again. So he painted and decorated and rearranged furniture, until everything felt right. He made sure Christopher’s room was ready and made room for Eddie in the closet of their room. He managed to condense his own clothing into half the dresser and spent far too much time on a website he’d heard of from a podcast, picking out a new bed set that both felt like something Eddie would like and something Buck definitely did.
Eddie had him come down a few days early to surprise Christopher at his end of year award ceremony, which Buck was, of course, thrilled about. It had taken some doing and a lot of getting lost - why did every on ramp look like a bike lane? Why did he have to drive twenty extra miles just because he took the wrong exit? Texas roads were so confusing - but eventually he made it to the school in time to scream and yell and cheer with Eddie, his parents, and the Gagne’s when Christopher’s & Craig’s names were called. Christopher lit up when he saw Buck - the exact opposite reaction Eddie’s parents had had, but they’d kept their mouths shut regardless - and almost begged Eddie to let him ride back to the house with him. Eddie, of course, said yes, and Craig ended up tagging along because you California deer tend to get lost. Buck didn’t even try to protest; Eddie was going to tease him mercilessly when he found out how many wrong turns Buck had taken that afternoon alone.
Buck warmed up to Craig on the drive to Eddie’s, after Christopher goaded them into conversation by telling Craig that Buck knew basically everything there was to know about animals, and Craig took that as a challenge. They quizzed each other the entire drive, Christopher laughing hysterically, and when Buck pulled up Eddie’s drive, Craig barely waited for the truck to stop before he was springing out the door yelling something about tellin my pa bout you! Buck and Christopher exchanged a look before they both started laughing.
“Took you long enough,” Eddie said, giving Christopher a hug as he squeezed past him to follow Craig inside.
“It’s hard to drive in Texas,” Buck said. He could see Craig’s parents, as well as Eddie’s, gathered in the house, and as such wasn’t exactly sure how to approach Eddie. Were they friends in front of that crowd? More? Less? “I keep missing my exits, and no one knows how to drive.”
“Says the guy who lives in LA.” As if sensing his discomfort, Eddie took Buck’s hand and pulled him close, pressing a soft kiss to the corner of his mouth. “You good?”
“Just not sure how this works in front of an audience,” he said quietly.
“Oh. Well, Dave - that’s Craig’s dad - figured out I was in love with you almost as soon as he met me. He and his wife - her name’s Theresa - they’re really cool, and David’s thrilled to finally meet you. He was pretty jealous that Theresa got to meet you first.”
“And your parents?”
“On thin ice with Christopher, so they’re on their best behavior. They’ll leave you alone.”
“But do they know…?”
“Honestly?” Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t told them, mostly because we don’t really talk much. But I’m sure mom knows. Either way, I don’t really care. I’m just glad you’re here. So…can I kiss you properly?”
Buck smiled, his eyes darting quickly to the group in the house, then back to Eddie. “Yeah,” he finally said, “I’d like that.”
The kiss was soft and slow, the kind that could make anywhere feel like home as long as Eddie was there, and Buck hoped he was able to convey the same. When they parted, Eddie pressed his forehead to Buck’s and sighed, content.
“Missed you,” he whispered, and Buck couldn’t help but smile.
“Yeah, missed you, too.”
“Come on,” Eddie said, squeezing his hand, “come meet everyone.”
“Everyone?”
“Mostly Dave. I’m gonna introduce you to him last, though, just to get under his skin.”
Buck laughed as Eddie interlaced their fingers and led Buck inside.
‘Everyone’ ended up being a couple of Christopher’s friends’ parents whom Eddie had invited over for an end of the school year barbecue. Buck found himself happy and a little relieved that both Eddie and Christopher had found some people in El Paso; it meant they hadn’t only had each other the whole time they were there. True to his word, Eddie made a big show of not introducing Buck to Dave until he’d met everyone else, and by the time he did finally meet Craig’s father the man looked fit to burst. He was about a head shorter than Buck and wore a pair of thick, horned-rimmed glasses, and he’d been dying to meet the guy who - according to him - no one could shut up about.
“It was bad enough when every other word out of Eddie’s mouth was ‘Buck’, but then Christopher kept bringing you up and then Theresa and Craig met you and it was like living with a bunch of chickens, just Buck Buck Buck all day.”
“Can’t imagine how annoying that must have been,” Buck said with a laugh. “I promise I’m not all that great.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re 8 feet tall and look like you actually belong in Hollywood, none of us stood a chance.” Dave leaned over to stage-whisper to Eddie. “Go ahead and put me down for a 2XL when you order the fan club jackets.”
“Well you’ll be pleased to know I’ve heard quite a bit about you, too.”
A look of panic flashed across Dave’s face. “From Craig?” Buck nodded, and Dave sighed. “For the record, I don’t hunt deer, like, killing them. I’m part of a team that conducts studies on local wildlife to determine if their habitats are being impacted by various environmental factors. It’s all a lot of boring busy work but we have a few subjects we’ve been monitoring, that’s all. Craig tends to forget to explain the further details.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sure you don’t care one way or the other but—”
“No, actually that sounds fascinating. By environmental factors do you mean like global warming, or are you talking stuff more specific to Texas?”
Dave’s face lit up and Eddie beamed with pride. “Told you you’d love him,” Eddie said. “How could you not?”
Buck had a great time; he and Dave talked for a while longer, about wildlife conservation and the Green Bay Packers and weird calls and teenagers who were almost too smart to keep up with, and by the time Eddie got jealous and stole him back, the two were well on their way to being friends. He met the other parents, all kind but none as close with Eddie as the Gagnes, and Buck couldn’t shake the feeling that Eddie wasn’t just introducing him to everyone, he was showing him off. The thought made Buck feel pleasantly warm, even in the Texas heat, and he had to fight the urge to kiss him every chance he got. The food was amazing; each family pitched in and between the brisket and chicken and sausage and various sides, Buck hardly knew where to start. Craig ended up staying the night - Eddie accused Dave and Theresa of allowing him to so that they would have an excuse to come see Buck again - and when Buck and Eddie finally managed to get some time alone, Buck was talking a mile a minute. Eddie simply lay next to him, pressing kisses periodically into the knuckles of the hand he was holding as he listened to Buck with hearts in his eyes and a smile on his face. Eventually, Eddie kissed him, and that put an end to Buck’s yapping…until the next morning.
Craig stayed the whole weekend, helping Christopher pack up his room and otherwise spreading his own unique brand of positivity and cheer throughout the house, making it all the more devastating when he broke down in tears as he said goodbye. Buck had gotten a glimpse of just how close Craig and Christopher were, and he knew what it felt like to send a friend like that to another state, with no real way of knowing if you were ever going to see them again. He found himself smiling, however, when Dave pulled Craig into a hug as well and told him friends like Christopher are rare, and you don’t find many of them. But when you do, you’ll know you’ve got a friend for life.
Eddie pulled him into a big hug, promising that they’d visit and thanking him for watching out for Christopher. “You’re a good kid,” he said, tousling his hair, “even if you always eat all the cheetos.”
“You buy those for me and you know it.”
“We’ll fly you out once we get them settled,” Buck said, hugging Craig as well. “Just don’t get arrested for harboring fugitive geckos or something before then.”
“No promises.”
They lingered a moment longer, Eddie and Theresa discussing a few things about the house before she officially listed it, and then they were on their way. They’d agreed to have dinner at Eddie’s parents and stay the night before hitting the road the next morning, and even that was pleasant and a little emotional as Christopher hugged them goodbye. Eddie was a touch more reserved, seemingly more focused on them not upsetting his son or Buck, but the interaction went on without incident. The only time either of Eddie’s parents addressed Buck, however, was when Helena told him, simply, take care of them. Buck nodded, managing to keep his I always have to himself.
And then they were on the road, heading toward their home and the life that was waiting for them, the one they’d taken great care to build together. Christopher switched between vehicles at every stop, insisting he get to play DJ no matter who he was riding with, and neither Eddie nor Buck had it in them to tell him no. So they drove, and they blasted music, and they drove, and talked, and they drove, and with every mile closer to LA, Buck found himself thinking about that rainy day outside their house, when he said goodbye to Eddie and watched him drive away. He thought of how empty he’d felt, how alone, and how that silly cassette player Eddie’d left him had felt like a light in the darkness. He thought of the journey those tapes had taken him on, how they - no, how Eddie - had helped him learn how to connect with those around him instead of hiding away his hurt. And as they continued their trip back to LA, as Christopher queued up another too loud song or talked Buck into buying him yet another snack or talked at length about everything he was going to do over the summer, Buck found himself endlessly glad that he’d not put his whole life on pause.
When they stopped for the night, Buck didn’t hesitate to pull Eddie in for a kiss before hiding his face in his shoulder and hugging him tight.
“Not that I’m complaining,” Eddie said, returning the embrace, “but what’s this for?”
“I never thanked you for not leaving me,” Buck said quietly.
“As if I could.”
“Still.” Buck nuzzled closer. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
“Can you two be love birds inside?” Christopher yelled. He was standing by the hotel doors, an exasperated look on his face, looking absolutely exhausted. Eddie once more took Buck by the hand and pulled him along, and Buck followed willingly, as he always would for many years to come, even at the end of their lives and well into whatever lay beyond. Because it was Eddie, and it was Christopher.
They were his, and he was theirs, and there was nothing else in life he needed but that.