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Jisung loves Minho. He loves him more than anything, in every way that he knows how. Minho is his person, his soulmate, and Jisung is pretty sure he’s the love of his life. At least, he knows he doesn’t love Minho the same way he loves the other members. It’s different, somehow, in a way he can’t put into words, which is okay, because the two of them never seem to need words.
Minho loves Jisung. Jisung knows this, because Minho makes him feel loved every single day, just by being around him. Jisung is also, contrary to popular belief, not oblivious. He sees the way Minho looks at him sometimes, a gaze lingering too long, a fondness in his eyes. He knows Minho is different with him and he knows what everyone else thinks about that. He would never assume anything, but he’s definitely got suspicions about the way Minho feels about him.
And that’s where the problems lie, because even though Jisung loves Minho, he doesn’t want him in that way. He’s thought about it, considered it, and he doesn’t understand why he doesn’t. He probably should, right? Minho is his person, he’s special. But he doesn’t want to kiss him more than he wants to kiss anyone else in the world, which is not at all.
It all comes to a head one day in Jisung's room. They’re just sat around on his bed, both looking at their own phones. Jisung looks over at Minho when he hears a faint giggle; he’s laughing at some silly cat video on his phone and Jisung thinks he looks adorable, so he bumps their shoulders together.
Minho doesn’t react, except to bump him back.
Then, a few minutes later, “Jisung-ah...?”
Jisung looks at him, “What’s up?”
Minho blinks at him a few times, and Jisung could swear the tips of his ears are tinged pink. “Nothing, never mind,” Minho says after a few moments, then tries to turn back to his phone.
Jisung is having none of that, “Hyuuuuung,” he whines, “You can’t do that, tell me!”
Minho shakes his head, not looking at Jisung, “It’s nothing, really.”
Jisung frowns. It doesn’t seem like nothing. He gently bumps Minho's shoulder again, “Hey,” He says softly, “Whatever it is, you can say it. You can tell me anything.”
Minho turns back to him, looking strangely shy and uncertain. His eyes search Jisung’s face and he presses his lips together tightly.
It worries Jisung; Minho isn’t usually like this around him and he clearly has something on his mind. “It’s okay,” he says in what he hopes is a comforting and encouraging voice.
Minho blinks a few more times, “Jisungie...” he murmurs, and Jisung doesn’t miss the way Minho’s eyes briefly glance down at his lips.
Oh.
Jisung doesn’t move a muscle. He doesn’t know what to do.
“Can I kiss you?” Minho breathes, quietly, like if he says it too loud it will scare Jisung away.
Jisung swallows. Minho is looking at him, eyes wide, nervous, and Jisung wants more than anything to want to kiss him too. He doesn’t understand why he doesn’t want to.
Maybe it’s because he’s never kissed anyone. Maybe if he does, he’ll feel what Minho is feeling- what everyone else feels.
“Yeah,” he replies, before he can talk himself out of it.
Minho hand cups Jisung’s jaw, something he’s done probably a hundred times before, but then he’s closing the space between them, pressing his lips against Jisung’s gently. His lips are soft.
It’s... fine. He doesn’t hate it, but Jisung isn’t feeling any of the things he knows he’s supposed to be feeling. There are no fireworks, no desire to keep going, or to take things further. He likes being close to Minho but... that’s it. He doesn’t want to keep kissing him.
He pulls away, “Wait.”
Minho moves back, dropping his hand from Jisung's face, “What’s wrong?” he asks, worried.
“This isn’t what I want, I’m sorry,” Jisung says, and feels his heart sink as Minho's face drops.
Minho doesn’t say anything at first, just blinks at Jisung, frowning slightly, trying to make sense of what just happened. Jisung hates seeing him like this, hates that it’s his fault.
“What-" Minho starts, and then takes a breath, his voice barely louder than a whisper, “Then why did you say yes?”
Jisung swallows, kicking himself. “I thought, maybe...” he starts, but when he sees the way Minho's face shifts, he stops. There’s no way to explain it, nothing that isn’t going to make things worse. He drops his eyes to the floor, “I shouldn’t have, I’m really sorry, hyung. I just don’t want that.”
“You don’t want me?”
Jisung’s eyes snap back to Minho, “I... not like that,” he says, because he doesn’t know what else to say.
“Oh,” Minho says, then looks away from Jisung.
“Hyung-"
“No, it’s okay, Jisung-ah,” Minho says, though Jisung can hear the strain in his voice, “It’s alright if you don’t feel the same, I understand, it’s okay.”
Jisung frowns, because Minho doesn’t understand, not at all, because Jisung can’t even explain it to himself, let alone someone else. Somehow Minho is the one assuring him, even though Jisung is the one who just broke his heart.
“Hyung,” Jisung says again, and he wants to make Minho understand, but he can’t make himself say anything else.
Minho looks back at him, and Jisung can see unshed tears in his eyes, “I’ll be okay, Jisungie,” Minho says, “I’ll get over it, okay?”
Jisung doesn’t want him to get over it, but he knows that’s selfish. “I’m sorry,” he says again.
Minho shakes his head sadly, “You can’t help the way you feel.”
And that’s just the whole problem. He can’t, no matter how much he wishes he could. There’s no way to change it, no way to fix the part of him that doesn’t feel the way everyone else feels.
~ ~ ~
“You’ve kissed people, right, Jinnie?” Jisung asks.
Although it’s out of the blue, Hyunjin doesn’t react with any surprise, continuing to scroll through his phone. “Yeah, why?”
“And you liked it?”
At this, Hyunjin’s eyes slide across to Jisung, “Well, yeah.”
Jisung hums a little, and Hyunjin lowers his phone, turns to give him his full attention.
“What’s going on?”
Jisung presses his lips together and thinks about what to say. “Have you ever kissed someone and- just- not felt anything?”
Hyunjin tilts his head, thinking, “Hmm, no, I don’t think so. I like kissing, I think it’s hot.” Jisung’s face must do something at the word hot, because then Hyunjin is frowning at him, “What?”
Jisung shrugs, “I just don’t get it,” he mumbles.
“Don’t get what? Kissing?”
Jisung shrugs, “I just don’t feel... whatever it is you’re supposed to feel when you kiss someone.”
Hyunjin looks thoughtful, “You kissed someone? Maybe they’re just not good at it?”
Jisung looks at his hands, fidgets with his fingers, “I don’t think that’s the problem,” he says. He’s obviously not a kissing expert, but he knows Minho has kissed people before, knows there’s no way Minho is just a bad kisser. The problem wasn’t that it was a bad kiss, “It’s me- I’m the problem.”
“Who did you kiss?”
Jisung hesitates. He can feel Hyunjin's eyes on him, the curiosity rolling off of him in waves.
“Jisung-ah? I won’t tell anyone-"
“It’s Minho-hyung,” Jisung admits, and he looks back at Hyunjin in time to see his eyebrows fly up in surprise.
“Oh, shit.”
“Yeah,” Jisung whispers, and that’s when he feels the tears build up in his eyes. Somehow, it’s Hyunjin’s reaction that finally hits him, and he can’t stop his feelings from overflowing.
“Oh, Sungie,” Hyunjin says softly, and wraps an arm around Jisung, pulling him to lean in his shoulder
Jisung sniffles, “I thought if we kissed then maybe I would feel it, the things I’m supposed to feel, but I didn’t, and now I’ve hurt him.”
“What are you supposed to feel?”
Jisung shrugs, “I don’t even know, I’m supposed to want to kiss him, aren’t I? To like it?”
“Wait, you didn’t want to kiss him?” Hyunjin asks, and Jisung can hear the confusion, can tell he has a million questions that he’s holding back just for Jisung’s sake.
“I don’t want to kiss anyone,” he says quietly, “I never have.”
“Wait, never?” Jisung can’t blame him for sounding shocked, he knows it’s not normal, but it’s still jarring to get a reaction like that. He takes a deep breath.
“Nope. Or... anything else.”
“Anything else? As in-"
“Sex. Yeah. I’ve never- I don’t get it. Like you see someone good looking and you just think ‘yeah I want to have sex with them'?”
Hyunjin shrugs, “Yeah, pretty much. You’ve never had that? Even with Minho-hyung?”
Jisung shakes his head, “I know hyung is good looking...”
“Minho-hyung is sexy, Jisung. You don’t see that?”
“I know that, like- objectively, I see it. I just don’t... feel it.”
Hyunjin is quiet for a moment, thinking. “Can I ask you something?” he says eventually, “I don’t want to be a dick, I just want to understand, because I’m not sure I get it.”
Jisung’s insides twist. Of course Hyunjin doesn’t get it. He’s being nice about it, but Jisung knows this isn’t normal. “I guess?”
“Why do you think you’re supposed to want to kiss him? Just because he wanted to kiss you, or what?”
Jisung shakes his head definitively, “That’s not why, I thought that before he even asked.”
“Then how come?”
Jisung shrugs, “I don’t know,” he says quietly, “It’s confusing, I don’t feel like this about anyone else.”
“You have feelings for him,” Hyunjin says, and it’s not a question. He says it like it’s obvious.
“I don’t know,” Jisung says again, “I don’t know what that’s supposed to feel like, if- if I don’t even want to kiss him, how am I supposed to know?”
“Well... tell me how you feel about him then,” Hyunjin suggests.
Jisung blinks at him. He thinks about Minho, and he doesn’t know how to put his feelings into words, how can any words explain it? Hyunjin raises his eyebrows as if to say go on then.
“I can’t, it’s embarrassing!”
“It cannot be more embarrassing than how the rest of us have to watch you two staring fondly at each other all day every day,” Hyunjin says, and Jisung feels his face heat up. “You know, you look at him exactly the same way that he looks at you.”
Jisung did not know that.
Hyunjin nudges him gently, “Tell me.”
Jisung looks at his hands, “He’s... he’s just my favourite person. He’s always the first person I want to tell anything to, I want to be around him all the time and hold his hand and- and I want to be his favourite person as well.”
He glances at Hyunjin. He has a strange look on his face, one that Jisung doesn’t recognise. “I don’t think you need to worry about being his favourite person, Sungie.”
“He said he’ll get over it,” Jisung says sadly.
“Do you want him to get over it?”
Jisung takes a deep breath, “No,” he whispers. This is the worst part, he thinks. It’s selfish and awful, to want Minho to hold onto those feelings when Jisung can’t be that person for him.
“Jisung?”
“Yeah?”
“You’re in love with him.”
It settles like a rock in his stomach. He knew he loved Minho; he knew the way he felt about him was different. But hearing it said out loud- he realises all at once that it’s always been true, that not wanting to kiss him or have sex with him doesn’t mean it’s not. He closes his eyes and breathes out, “Yeah,” he mumbles, “Yeah, I think I am.”
~ ~ ~
Despite Hyunjin's encouragement, Jisung knows he can’t tell Minho. If things were different- if he wasn’t like this, if he felt the same way he knows Minho feels- then maybe he could. But it’s not the same. Minho deserves someone to love him the way he loves them, someone who thinks he’s hot, who actually wants to kiss him, to have sex with him. It wouldn’t be fair, Jisung knows that.
Besides, he’s already hurt Minho enough. They’re both trying to act normal, but it’s definitely weird. Jisung wants to respect Minho's feelings, wants to give him space while he gets over it, if that’s what he needs, but he misses him. Even though he’s right there, he misses being close to him, and more than anything, he hates that Minho is hurting and it’s all his fault.
One day, Jisung is going over to the other dorm to play video games with Felix and Seungmin, but when he he’s about to open the door, it swings open right in front of him.
“Oh, Minho-hyung!”
He looks good- dressed up like he’s going out somewhere nice. “Hey, Sungie,” he says quietly, eyes still a bit wide with surprise.
“You look nice,” Jisung says earnestly, “Are you going somewhere?”
Minho blinks a couple of times, “I, um, I’m going on a date.”
Oh.
Jisung’s heart drops, but he tries not to let his smile falter. “Oh! Wow! That- that’s great, hyung.”
Minho smiles back, a small, tight smile. “Thanks. Um, I should go...”
“Yeah, of course!” Jisung says, probably too enthusiastically, as Minho slides past him and down the hallway, off on his date. Jisung just stands there as the door to the dorm swings shut, not going in. He stands there and pictures Minho out on a date with some guy, sitting close to him, holding his hand... kissing him. Because that’s what people do on dates.
When he’s sure Minho is long gone, he turns around and goes back to his own dorm, messaging Felix to say he doesn’t feel well.
It’s not a lie. He feels sick.
He lies on his bed staring at the ceiling. He should be happy for Minho, this is a good thing. Minho deserves to be happy, and if he’s going on a date that means he is getting over it like he said. Jisung has no right to be upset about that.
But he is. He’s extremely upset, like a hole has been punched in his chest, and every time he thinks about Minho out with someone else a surge of jealously rises up in him so strongly that he could cry.
He curls up on his side, and it’s not long before he actually is crying, tears sliding sideways down his face onto his pillow.
~ ~ ~
Hours later, when Jisung has managed to pull himself together, Minho shows up in his room. He’s not in the outfit he wore to his date, he’s in sweatpants and a hoodie and all his makeup has been wiped off. Jisung thinks he looks just as nice as he did earlier.
“Hyung?”
“Hi,” Minho says quietly. He comes into the room, but he doesn’t sit down anywhere, stays standing, looking at Jisung with a conflicting expression. He doesn’t say anything else, just looks at Jisung, like he wants to say something but doesn’t have the words.
“How was your date?” Jisung asks, just to break the silence.
Minho shrugs one shoulder. “He was really nice... friendly, easy to talk to. He invited me back to his place, actually.”
Jisung regrets asking. He doesn’t actually want to hear about Minho's wonderful date with the nice man who wants to have sex with him. But then he realises, “But you didn’t go?”
“I didn’t go,” Minho echoes, “I didn’t want to.”
“W-why not?”
Minho takes a deep breath, swallows, and looks right at Jisung as he says, “Because I realised about five minutes in that I’d rather be hanging out with you. Even though you don’t want me and even though I know you don’t feel the same way that I do, I’d still rather be with you than anyone else, okay? I know I said I’d get over it but...” he pauses and sighs, looking away from Jisung, “You’re my best friend, Sungie,” he continues quietly, with a small sniffle.
“Hyung...” Jisung starts to say. His heart is thumping wildly, and something that feels dangerously like hope is blooming in his chest.
“So yeah, my date sucked, basically. Thanks for asking,” Minho interrupts, having quickly recollected himself.
Jisung can’t help it- he feels the corners of hip mouth start to pull up, “Well, that’s good,” he says quietly.
“Sorry?” Minho is frowning at him now.
“I mean- no- not that your date was bad, sorry!” He scrambles to explain, “Just, um, I’m relieved, because-" he takes a deep breath of his own, looks at the floor, “I was really jealous.”
“You were- what? Why?”
Even though he’s not looking at Minho, Jisung can hear the confusion in his voice, and understandably so. That’s when he decides he has to tell him.
“Well, um, I’m in love with you,” Jisung says, eyes still firmly on the floor.
For several awful moments, Minho says nothing. The only thing Jisung can hear is his own heart beating in his ears, but he can feel Minho's eyes staring at him.
And then, quietly, “No you’re not.”
Jisung’s gaze snaps over to Minho immediately, but the look on his face doesn’t match the harshness of his words. He looks sad and scared.
“You- you’re not- you said-" Minho stutters desperately, “Jisung...”
“I know,” Jisung says, feeling his own tears building up, “Would you just... sit down, please? So I can explain?”
Minho looks at him, and Jisung isn’t sure if he’s going to sit down or turn around and walk out of the room, but eventually he nods and comes to sit on the edge of the bed, leaving a small amount of space between himself and Jisung. His face is guarded, and Jisung understands, he already hurt him once before.
He also realises all at once that he has no idea how he’s going to explain this to him. The only person he’s ever spoken to about this is Hyunjin. He tries to remember what he'd said then, the words that had made it so clear that he was in love.
“You’re my favourite person,” he starts, remembering what he’d explained to Hyunjin, “You’re always the first person I want to see, or talk to, I just... really love you. I don’t want you to get over it, I want... I want to hold your hand, and cuddle with you, and sleep next to you, and be together. I want all of that,” he explains, then takes a shaky breath, “But I just- I don’t want the, um, other stuff.”
Minho's face, which had softened as Jisung spoke, twists in confusion, “Other stuff as in...?”
“Kissing... sex,” he all but whispers, closing his eyes so that he doesn’t have to see Minho's reaction. “I’ve just never wanted to,” he mumbles, “With anyone. And I don’t think I ever will.”
He sinks into himself, convinced Minho is about to reject him, tell him it’s too weird and that it would be impossible to be with someone like him. But instead, he feels a hand slip into his own and lace their fingers together. “That’s okay, Jisung-ah,” Minho says softly.
Jisung blinks his eyes open at peers at Minho. There’s a soft smile on his lips and his eyes are fixed thoughtfully on Jisung; all the defences from earlier dropped.
“It is?” Jisung whispers back.
“Yeah, of course,” Minho says immediately.
Jisung presses his lips together and looks down at their entangled hands, relief flooding through him. He doesn’t know what to say, and then Minho's other hand is wiping away tears from his cheeks when he hadn’t even realised that he was crying.
“Is that why you pulled away when I kissed you?” Minho asks gently.
Jisung nods, “I- I thought maybe I’d like it? Because it was you, and I really wished that I wanted to but I just- didn’t. And I felt so awful for hurting you. I didn’t think I could be in love with someone and not want to kiss them but- I guess I can. And I am. With you.”
Minho puts his hand under Jisung's chin and gently tilts it up so that Jisung looks at his face. He’s smiling at Jisung so fondly that it makes his chest ache, “I love you too,” Minho says, “I want that... everything you said, I want that too.”
Jisung’s heart is just about ready to leap out of his chest, but there’s a nagging feeling holding him back, “But... you want to kiss, and-"
“Not if you don’t, Jisung-ah,” Minho says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world.
“But-"
“But nothing. Please, stop trying to tell me what I want,” Minho says firmly, “If I cared so much about sex wouldn’t I still be on that date? I don’t need all that, the only thing I want is to be with you.”
“Really?”
Minho tucks a strand of hair behind Jisung's ear, strokes over it softly, “Really,” he says, “I promise.”
Jisung launches himself into Minho's arms and, finally, his whole body exhales. Minho loves him. Minho knows, and he still loves him, and he still wants to be with him. It’s more than he ever could've hoped for.
Minho's arms wrap around him tightly, one hand stroking at the hair on his nape as Jisung buries his face in his shoulder. He’s still crying, is definitely getting Minho’s shoulder all wet, but it’s just happy tears now.
“Just... tell me if I do anything wrong, okay? I’d never want to make you uncomfortable,” Minho murmurs in his ear, and Jisung's heart squeezes.
He extracts himself from Minho's shoulder, wiping away the remaining tear streaks, “It’s um, just the kissing, I think? And, um. Anything. More than that.”
Minho nods, “Just kissing on the lips? What about, like, forehead kisses?”
Jisung blinks a couple of times, surprised by Minho’s thoughtfulness. He hadn’t even thought about if there would be anything else he wouldn’t like, but he’s always liked other kinds of physical affection. “Forehead kisses sound nice,” he replies with a small smile.
Minho smiles back and tugs Jisung back towards him, pressing a soft kiss to the edge off his hairline. “This okay?”
“Yeah,” Jisung breathes, and it’s more than okay. His whole body feels warm, like he’s still wrapped up in a hug, “Yeah, it’s good.”
They end up curled up in Jisung's bed, Minho's arm wrapped around Jisung's shoulders as he cuddles into his side, hands laced together, Minho pressing the occasional kiss to the top of Jisung's head. It's not that different, really, than how things have always been between them, or even with the other members, who have always been cuddly. But, at the same time, it’s completely different. Of course it is; they’re in love. Jisung has never felt so safe, comfortable, loved.
“Wait,” Minho says at one point, “Does this mean you want me to stop touching your butt?”
He’s entirely genuine, and Jisung can’t help but laugh, “Don’t you dare!”