Chapter Text
“I'm sorry for never seeing the signs.”
Satoru sat on his knees in front of Suguru, who was on the edge of his bed. Satoru gently stroked Suguru's wrists.
He understood why Suguru had been lying in bed for so long, why his hair had become tangled, his eyelids remained more closed than usual, his hygiene and diet had been neglected in recent weeks.
Why there were ashes on the bedroom floor.
Why Suguru's wrists were damaged.
“Don't apologize.” Suguru whispered. “I didn't mean to say anything or give any sign.”
Satoru raised his head. He knew Suguru hadn't been well, but he guessed it wasn't just the summer and the stress of the pressure on himself, the pressure of college life approaching but never quite coming to an end.
“I just…” Satoru simply took his eyes off Suguru's slashed wrists. “I never imagined this would have escalated further.”
“It's okay. It had to happen at some point.”
Satoru bit his tongue to prevent the urge to scream from escaping. He knew Suguru wasn't that talkative, but he thought he'd at least tell his partner what was happening. But even that didn't work. The painful lump in his throat made his voice crack.
“But why? Why you?”
Satoru's pale hands fell to the sides of Suguru's feet. He hunched over and lowered his head. His sunglasses fell onto his hands, and warm tears welled up in his blue eyes.
“I don't know.”
It was all Suguru could say. His face remained serene as Satoru cried in front of him, the atmosphere feeling as if they weren't even in that dusty, damp room, with the smell of sweat and mold on the walls, the traces of dried vomit on the floor, and the spurts of blood on the dirty, yellowed sheets.
•
After the small talk Satoru had with Suguru, he accompanied him to the bathroom. The tub was half-filled with warm water. Suguru undressed behind Satoru's back and got in, while the albino sat on the edge to wash his back and hair, the dark-haired man curled up in the fetal position. Satoru could notice how Suguru's spine looked more pronounced than usual. He was quite thin, so he was surprised that he had lost more weight.
“You lost weight.” Satoru said, running the palm of his hand down Suguru's back. Suguru sighed, wordlessly wrapping his arms around his legs as his hair dripped into the tub water. Suguru looked at his own hands, noticing how pale and thin they looked like Satoru's, so much so that he could see the swelling in his veins.
After that, neither of them thought to say another word. Just the sound of the trickling water, the shampoo foam in Suguru's hair, and the sound of Suguru's fingers hitting the edge of the ceramic tub, feeling the gentleness with which Satoru's hands moved over his back.
Suguru cleaned his arms and armpits, grimacing as the soap and water touched his cuts, swallowing back his curses and insults, frustrated at feeling the pain, but, equally, deserving it.
When Suguru got out of the tub, Satoru noticed more cuts on his hips and legs. Pursing his lips, he let it dry, turning his back to Satoru, whose eyes were on his back, gulping as he saw how the bones of his spine were more prominent than ever. He definitely didn't remember it like that; he'd seen every part of Suguru's body.
Satoru was so afraid, so scared of leaving Suguru alone. He didn't want to leave him alone for more than five seconds. But as Suguru continued drying himself off and putting on the clean clothes Satoru had given him, he got up from the edge of the tub to go to Suguru's room, leaving the door open. The bathroom was across the hall from his room, where he could keep an eye on him as he began to take the sheets off his bed and leave them by the door to wash them when he finished collecting the rest of Suguru's dirty clothes.
“I don't understand how you endured this whole time without saying anything.” Suguru was sitting on the toilet lid, putting on a black T-shirt with a band he loved, staring at the floor, listening as Satoru walked around his room and bent down to pick up clothes and gather the cigarettes scattered on the floor.
Suguru was nodding off in sleep, his eyes tired and red-rimmed, but something caught his attention when he heard the noise that made his head snap up. He saw Satoru holding a small bag of oxycodone. He saw the expression on Satoru's face. He knew exactly what those painkillers were.
“Satoru... Drop that.”
Suguru bolted up from the toilet lid, his legs weak, and walked into the room, reaching out to where Satoru was, intending to take the opioids from him.
“What do you have this for? You don't need it... How did you get it?” Satoru moved his hand with the bag away, taking a step back, extending his arm so Suguru couldn't reach it.
“Satoru, please give it to me.” Suguru moved faster, struggling with Satoru, grabbing his wrist to get the painkillers.
They struggled for a moment, Satoru digging his elbow into Suguru's chest to push him away, squeezing his hand tightly to keep the oxycodone in. Even if Suguru managed to grab his hand and pry his fingers open, breaking them, Satoru wouldn't allow it.
“What the fuck do you need this for?!” Satoru yelled, still with Suguru on top of him, scratching his arm, reaching for Satoru's closed fist containing the pills, trying to hit him and pry his hand open.
“Just give them to me!” Satoru pushed Suguru again with his elbow, knocking him to the floor. He heard a pained groan from Suguru, who fell onto his arm. Satoru ran to the bathroom. Suguru kept screaming and demanding the pills back, trying to get up even though he'd hurt his elbow, but it was all in vain. The painkillers were now in the toilet, going down the drain.
“Satoru, what the fuck did you just do?!”
Suguru hurried, getting up and running to the toilet, trying to retrieve the pills by shoving his hands inside it, to no avail. Satoru just watched the scene, his fists clenched and panting, his eyebrows raised, guilt gnawing at his chest.
“Shit, I'm going to kill you!”
Suguru pulled his hands out of the toilet, slamming the seat, screaming, almost crying in despair. His voice cracked with every insult and death wish he unleashed, the sides of his hands turning red from the blows he delivered, his breathing failing, everything around him feeling cloudy, feeling the burning in his throat.
Suguru banged his head against the toilet seat, but before he could do it again, Satoru approached him and held his forehead tightly, moving him away from the toilet to avoid further damage. He held Suguru's face in his hands. He resisted, hitting him, wanting to push him away at all costs, which made Satoru hug him and hold him close, even if Suguru hurt him.
Suguru continued hitting Satoru on the back; the blows became fewer, and sobs were heard, followed by a tight grip on Satoru's shirt. The pain in his chest intensified, he stroked Suguru's hair to calm him down, closing his eyes, preventing the tears from covering his eyes completely, not wanting to be the one to cry in this situation, enduring the physical and emotional pain was no comparison to what Suguru was and is suffering since the last few weeks.