Chapter Text
— There’s no way you have it! — Deadpool argues with a comical expression. It would make Spider-man laugh if it hadn’t appeared on his face because the fucker didn’t believe him at all.
— Of course I do.
— Impossible!
— I would never lie about something serious like this.
— Of course you would, you just want me jealous because I told you I have Superman’s lunchbox.
— Again, I’ll repeat: I have no idea who this is. Are you talking about a cartoon?
— You’re a cartoon! This is your jealousy speaking.
— You’re the jealous one, because I have it and you don’t.
— No way you got Captain Marvel’s autograph and I don’t!
Yes, the whole discussion was about Captain’s autograph. You didn’t misread it.
— I even have a picture with her — Spider-man shows off.
— No, you don’t! Liar! Spider-man is a liar! I’ll tell everyone!
— Stop screaming, it won’t change reality.
— Show me then.
— No way, you’re stealing it, I know.
— See? You’re lying, you don’t have it.
— As if I’m not right that you’d steal it when you see it.
— Me? Do you consider me this low?
— You picked my Black Panther card yesterday. And I said I’d give to you!
— As if I’d believe a liar’s words… I just hear lies, lies and more lies…
— This was yesterday, why you’d think that I lied if you’re discovering about the autograph today?
— Because I said so.
— You’re infuriating.
— Thank you, princess.
— Fine, I’ll show you.
— I don’t believe it — Deadpool chants.
— How? I’m saying it, let’s go right now.
— Liar.
— Ugh, shut up! Follow me already.
— Yes, baby boy.
— And stop with the nicknames!
— Sure thing, pumpkin.
Probably was the anger that made both men move so fast to Queens and arrive at Aunt May’s house. Peter didn’t bother with the door as he knew his aunt wouldn’t be home at this time of day and they both entered by his old room’s window.
— Are we breaking into a house? Thought you were the good guy.
— It’s my aunt’s house — Spider explains while helping Deadpool enter his tiny window without breaking anything. — Why do you carry weapons this big? — he complains when one of the katanas get stuck on the window frame and Deadpool falls into the room the rest of the way.
— It’s my style, it’s my thang.
— You’re just trying to compensate on the lacking areas.
— I have lots of lacking areas, but I don’t… hey! Did you just insinuate I have a small dick? — Deadpool get on his feet to start arguing with Spider-man (again). — Just so you know, even if it was this little tiny bit of a dick I would be one hundred billion thousand quadrillion better on bed than you — he says while making gestures even though Peter is focused on searching through his drawer for the autograph and is not paying attention.
— Sure, say whatever makes you sleep at night.
— I know it can be shocking for you, but you have no idea on all the babes who keep asking for more once they have a piece of me.
— Is this why you were complaining last week about being lonely and horny?
— So you were listening! Knew you’re a liar.
As he was still gesticulating, and not paying attention at all on his surroundings, his hand bumped on the lamp on the desk near him and crashed on the floor.
— Oops.
— There’s no need to break everything, you know? My aunt is going to…
— Peter? Is that you?
He freezes when listening the voice downstairs and only one thing crosses his head:
— Shit!
Then he looks to Deadpool and realizes he has an attempt of ex-mercenary on his room and that his aunt is coming to check what was the noise. Then, he realizes he is also fully clothed on Spider-man’s suit.
— Shit! Shit shit shit!
Deadpool stays quiet because he has never seen the hero curses this much in a row (even though it’s the same word it’s shocking anyway as he is just a baby boy that thinks “fuck” is a very bad swearing). Then, he keeps being very much shocked when his pumpkin pie with a very much juicy ass starts removing his suit after saying “take off your clothes” in a rushed whisper. The first thing to get out are the gloves and then the top part (he gets very pleased to know it’s a two piece suit and he can just find the opening to, maybe, stick his hand in and grab that ass some other time, just hypothetically speaking, of course).
Peter. Peter! His name is Peter! He just discovered his name too! Thank you Spider’s aunt. Well, Peter removes his boots and then looks at Wade exactly in the same place.
— I told you to take it off, hurry up! — he whispers angrily.
Still not having his brain working properly, he takes his katanas off his back and then his boots, he observes Spider shoving them bellow the bed before taking his pants off. Oh my god! He’s naked! He’s naked in front of us and ordering Wade to take his clothes and looking very delicious without any underwear (very naughty of him not using any bellow his suit, not that Wade is complaining). Spider (with only his mask on) gets close to Deadpool again and puts his hands on his belt.
— You’re taking too long — he complains.
Peter gets to remove the belt and looks angry (even if he still has the mask on) when realizes he only took the upper part of Deadpool’s suit.
— Take this mask off.
Not that Wade was okay with showing this much skin, but taking the mask seems too much (although angry fuck also sounds hot so…). He tries to get away when Peter’s hand go to his mask, then resolves to take Spider’s mask too. As both of them were focused on removing each other’s mask, none of them realizes them falling when Deadpool’s leg get twisted on the blanket hanging from the bed onto the floor, not at least when they hit the floor with a loud noise.
— Fuck!
It was Wade’s turn to curse while feeling his head pulse. Then he feels his heart skip a beat when his vision focus on Peter’s exposed face.
Peter seems to glow while holding Deadpool’s mask, then picks his own on Wade’s hand and shoves them under the covers that surrounds them after the fall. Just after this, he realizes they were on the floor and (not noticing that he is on top of Wade, while naked and practically straddling him) looks to the other man.
— Are you alright? Did it hurt?
To check how was Wade’s head he got the top part of his body close to Wade again and holds his face gently (not disgusted in the slightest with his skin).
Wade gets on a trance while looking into Peter’s eyes. He was sure all that haste would lead to angry fucking (even though he still had no idea what made Spider this needy this fast), but when his little spider looked to him like that, he only gets a very demanding urge to kiss his baby boy sweetly (what probably would be a better first kiss than the one in the middle of angry fucking, Spider seems like the romantic type). Deadpool barely noticed his hands were holding Peter’s waist, as he was still trying to control the urge to kiss the man on top of him and still understand what lead his spider to (finally) want to fuck him.
Just when their faces are inches apart, when he thinks he will be able to have his perfect first kiss with his cutie-pie, the door opens abruptly.
— Peter, are you alright? Oh…!
— Aunt May!
The spider tries to get up but is stopped by Wade (hasn’t he realized he is naked?), and before Peter uses his super-strength to get out, Wade picks the blanket and covers him. Now Peter is trying to fight against the blanket covering him while Aunt May says she sorry and closes the door.
— Let go!
Wade removes his hand from the blanket while saying.
— I’m not holding it.
Then he soon faces and angry (very adorable) Peter, with red face and disheveled hair.
— Hate you — he grumbles.
— Love you, too, baby boy.
Before Peter can reprimands on the nickname as always, his aunt slightly opens the door again, and says:
— I’ll be waiting you downstairs. — It gets Peter frozen on place (it’s very adorable as his Bambi eyes get even bigger because of the shock). Then, the door is open again. — Bring your friend. — It’s Wade’s turn to freeze, is he the friend?
— Oh my God! — Peter says in a whisper, then, he asks: — Do you think she saw something suspicious?
When Peter looks around and mumbles he thinks he hid everything on time, Wade finally realizes that it was never leading to fucking, but to Spider-man hiding his secret side-job from his aunt. He grumbles and goes back to laying on the floor.
— Pool, I’m serious — he hisses. — We’re safe, aren’t we?
— She definitely saw something, but not what you’re thinking — he mumbles.
Deadpool waits patiently while the truth sink on Peter’s mind.
— Do you think she…? Does she thinks we…? God! Does she think we’re together?
Not even the innocent way of describing what his aunt saw makes Wade feel better after realizing he wouldn’t get together with his little spider (and he seemed very disgusted by the idea in the moment, this hurts too).
— She probably thinks she entered on us making out or something.
— Really?
Even though he had a broken heart, he felt satisfied observing Peter blushing at the commentary.
— But I’ve never said… shit! Fuck!
It was getting too dangerous to have the naked spider on top of his cock while cursing (and very oblivious to the current situation on Wade’s pants). Then, one thought appeared on Wade’s mind, and he states:
— Let me guess, there are two big coming outs you’ve never told her about.
He knew he was right by Peter’s silence and redness. Before he even thought about comforting his baby, Peter spread his hands on Wade’s chest while getting closer to his face again and says seeming very certain about it:
— You need to date me.
Sure he does. But it doesn’t look like his pumpkin pie is really talking the same as what is in his mind. He just broke Wade’s heart, remember?
— She doesn’t know I like men, it’ll be to shocking to just say we were messing around and not having a serious relationship. She’ll think I’m crazy.
— Of course she will — Wades agree, but for a totally different reason. How would anyone believe this delicious piece of ass is even breathing near him? Even more: dating him? Everyone would think he is nuts. Using him only for sex, though, much more believable.
— Deadpool, I’m serious, you have to help me.
— You can say I barged in and was trying to do bad stuff, then you immobilized me — he suggests with a smile that fails to reach his eyes.
— Really? Someone my size could fight you? In what world? — Wade opens his mouth to start arguing, but Peter keeps speaking: — And I’m not even living here, why would I sneak in like a criminal and on top of it fight a stranger who also sneaked in? Let me just add we did all of it without clothes.
Okay, it doesn’t look like Wade really could argue with that, so he goes quiet.
— You have to be my boyfriend.
It’s what a (still) very much naked Peter Parker asks again (better saying: commands) while (still!) on top of Wade’s body.
Not the usual situation of asking someone out (it’s not like Deadpool was hoping for a proposal anyway after just having his heart broken by this very same man), but it’s not likely to Wade to decline the request. Even if it’s not in the conditions he wants (as real boyfriends, could even be fuck-buddies) he finds it very hard to deny. The hope was lost the moment he realized Peter was with the ass practically rubbing on his dick, and the younger man didn’t even seem to notice or give a shit about it. Well, he never died of blue balls before, no problem with this being the first time.
Wade sighs, then says:
— Let’s get the fake-dating tag to use.
— Is it a yes?
— It’s a maybe if I get some kisses.
Peter virtually shines with happiness and says with the most beautiful smile Wade has ever seen:
— Thank you so much.
Then, to Wade’s distress, he gets that tempting lips on his skin and kisses his cheek.
Oh, no! Not this naive little baby spider thinking he meant kisses on the cheek! This is going to be the end of him.
Wade growls and not containing himself, he lets his needs win, and slaps Peter’s ass before saying:
— Let’s get you dressed, princess.
The satisfaction that runs over him with Peter surprise just gets bigger and bigger while he observes his baby spider looking to his own body and finally realizing he is completely naked and on top of Wade. The redness from before seems like nothing compared to now, when it reaches even his chest and shoulders and who knows where else under that blanket. Another win for Wade, as he doesn’t even complain on the nickname because of his embarrassment.
Wade was expecting Peter jump off from him and searches for clothes while still hiding on the blanket, so he clearly didn’t anticipate Spider’s eyes going to his exposed chest where one lonely hand was. Peter bites his lips and seems enchanted by his hand on the skin, shyly recoiling (but very slowly) as if feeling his skin and every scar and gap that was in his way to get under the blanket with the rest of his sweet (naughty) baby. As Wade’s hand was still on Peter’s ass, he didn’t resist the urge to squeeze it before (also slowly) removing it while exploring his thigh as his eyes didn’t leave his baby boy’s face and observed as Peter looked to all his exposed skin with… desire?
[He’s disgusted]
Shut up!
{It’s only curiosity, as if he would want us}
Shut the fuck up!
When Peter finally look into Wade’s eyes again, he seems surprised to have him staring back and jumps off from him.
— I’ll pick some clothes.
Well, this seems more likely.