Chapter Text
“It’s so nice out, I’ve been sitting in here all day. Let’s go sit outside, grab a beer somewhere, yeah?” Remus asks as he looks up at Sirius walking into the living room. It’s Saturday afternoon and Sirius just got home from work. Remus is lying on their couch with the TV on but the volume muted. His hair is slightly mussed, and It looks like he’s just been absent-mindedly tapping away on his phone. Sirius wonders possessively who he’s texting and wishes it was his place to know.
He’s barely seen Remus all week and getting a beer with him sounds like the best idea he’s probably ever heard. All he ever wants to do is spend time with Remus. Just the two of them. Because whenever it’s just the two of them, it feels like Remus is his. He feels like he gets a different Remus than when they’re with their whole group. Remus tells him things, lets him in on the things he usually keeps locked up tightly.
Yeah, so obviously, Sirius is in love with Remus. He came to this unfortunate conclusion about a year ago.
Remus had just broken up with his girlfriend of 6 years. He always thought him and Remus had so much in common and got along great as they developed their friendship over the 3 years they’d known each other. Because it was never an option and Remus was fully committed to Emmaline, Sirius never really registered it as a crush, just a really good platonic friendship. The idiot.
One weekend over the summer, Remus invited Sirius to come with him to spend the weekend at his family’s home in Wales before Sirius started his new semester of his Master’s program. He spent the weekend cooking with Remus’s sister and mom, hiking with Remus, drinking wine, and enjoying being with a happy family in a beautiful place.
After the weekend he felt something change. He imagined himself fitting into Remus’s family, having weekends like that regularly. He felt like an imposter, that it should have been Emmaline there instead of him. Sirius paused at that: comparing himself to Emmaline.
Uh oh.
Oh no.
Oh no no no. Sirius wanted to be Remus’s boyfriend. Once the realization hit, he knew there was no going back. His brain couldn’t unmake the connection as hard as he tried. For a month or two Sirius ignored it, packed it away into a box and shoved it into a dark corner of his metaphorical closet. But Sirius has never been able to bury feelings for long. He holds them all right under his skin, buzzing, ready to bleed out at the faintest scratch.
Then Remus left for his quarter life crisis trip after his tumultuous breakup, solo traveling around Europe for three months. This is good, Sirius thought. It gives me three months to get rid of these silly feelings. I’m going to go to therapy, I’m going to start dating, I’m going to stop thinking of him. Idiot. Sirius should have known. Guess what he did? None of those things. He hasn’t even kissed anyone. And he’s starting to think something is wrong with him.
It’s now been a year since his epiphany of sorts. A year of pining and loneliness and being a ‘supportive friend’ as he has helped Remus through his breakup, has watched Remus date and fuck new people, helped Remus navigate this dating world as if he knows anything. It’s masochistic in a violent way
He’s had enough. He is Sirius Orion Black and he does not sit here pining after someone who does not and will not ever want him back. Walburga raised him (horribly, might he add) to be a lot of things, but a bitch ain't one.
—
So today, he needs to do something. He had therapy on Wednesday and he finally agreed to do the thing that Dara, his therapist, has been pointing him towards for months. She claims this will be hard, but will free him, and might help him feel better. He doesn’t really believe her, but he’s tried everything at this point and he’s desperate. So they made a plan.
“Ugh, yes that sounds perfect,” Sirius responds to Remus, “Cornwall Molly’s?” It’s their bar. It’s a small, shitty dive with framed pictures of who knows what completely covering the wood paneled wall, sticky floors, a long and solid wooden bar along the length of the space with one single booth at the back. There’s a painting of a naked woman on the wall that was probably not painted for the eyes of drunk 27 year olds. Sirius loves her, loves this place. It’s iconic. It’s theirs. Almost every weekend Sirius, Remus, and James end up there and they’re greeted by the bartenders and many other familiar faces. Sirius always dreamed of being a regular at a bar, having a group of friends that felt like family like the characters in the TV shows he watched growing up. When he walks into Cornwall Molly’s (Molls, they call it for short), he heart feels full.
Sirius knows Molls won’t be too busy today and they have a small outdoor setup with tables that feel private enough for them to have a conversation but lively enough to make it seem casual.
Sirius goes into his room and changes into his favorite jeans, an oversized Blondie tee, his docs, and a leather jacket. He wears a variation of this every weekend, but he feels good in it, feels like himself. The lining of his jacket feels cool on his arms. But it’s comfortable, worn enough to mold exactly to the crease in his elbows, soft around his collar. The heaviness of the rubber soles of his docs feels grounding to him. Sirius looks at himself in the mirror, smiles at his own reflection (like his therapist told him to do to build self-esteem or some bullshit like that), and swings his door open to reemerge in the living room.
“Ready?” He asks Remus. Remus pops up from the couch and grabs the sweater that’s laying on the end of the L-shaped couch. Ugh, Sirius internally groans. It’s his favorite sweater of Remus’s. The one he stole when Remus was abroad. Sirius would bury his face in it when he missed Remus. He always felt a little naughty and possessive when he would wear it while Remus was away. He liked that it was big on Sirius, that it looked like a boyfriend’s sweater. He could pretend it was. More than Sirius liked it on himself, he loved the way it looked on Remus. Sirius dragged his hands down his face dramatically as Remus slid the sweater over his plain white t-shirt, a sliver of Remus’s abdomen showing as his arms lifted. Of course Remus had to pick that sweater today of all days.
They strolled down to the bar side by side, only about half a mile walk from their apartment they share with James. James would probably be with them if he wasn’t visiting his parents in the suburbs. As much as he loves alone time with Remus, Sirius almost wished James was with them, so he could avoid this conversation he promised himself he’d have with Remus today.
As hard as Sirius tries to be mysterious and aloof, he cannot keep his mouth shut, especially when it comes to James. Sirius and James have a fucked up codependency, so yes, James inevitably knows about Sirius’s absolutely debilitating crush on Remus.
Rather impressively, Sirius was able to keep it a secret from James for years, but it came out on New Year's Eve after only having a platonic kiss with James at midnight. He felt stupid for thinking that he and Remus would share a kiss at midnight. He imagined that their eyes would meet and Sirius would be brave enough to go in for a kiss under the pretense that it was a platonic friend kiss, same as him and James. Sirius imagined they’d let the kiss linger for just half a second more than they should and then they would open their eyes and have this lightbulb realization. He romanticized sharing flirtatious touches the rest of the night until everyone went to sleep and then, of course, they would have this magical night of love-making.
Yeah. It didn’t turn out that way. Instead, at midnight, Sirius found Remus’s eyes with a sad and uncomfortable expression. He went over and instead pulled him into a hug saying, “Okay you can have a kiss on the cheek, Happy New Year.”
After that, the night went on and Sirius and Remus barely talked to each other. Remus was busy talking to other people, and Sirius, overwhelmed with disappointment, sank into a chair and gazed out the window. James found him here and knew something was up. Sirius had vowed to never tell James that he was in love with Remus. He didn’t want to fuck up the friend group and roommate dynamic. And James is a horrible liar. As much as Sirius loves him, he doesn’t know if James could keep this secret if he was pressed about it. After losing count of how many of Barty’s martinis he had, Sirius didn’t have the resolve to hide his feelings from James anymore.
It was inevitable, bound to come out at some point. But fucking hell, was Sirius mad at himself the next morning.
—
“I’ll get this one,” Remus offers, “Your usual?” Sirius nods in response and heads to grab them table outside.
Sirius is absolutely bricking it, but hopes that he’s playing it off well. He is grateful Remus offered to get this round so he can have a second to collect himself before this conversation.
Be casual, he reminds himself. His friends mean everything to him. If he fucks this up, he doesn’t know where he’ll go from here. He hopes it goes the way Dara says it will. That Remus will be kind and let him down easy, so that everyone can move on and everything can be normal again.
Remus comes back and plops a beer down on a cardboard coaster
“God, the sun feels good,” Remus says, eyes closed and head tilted towards the sky. It shows off his golden skin, freckles starting to reappear now that it’s spring. Sirius wants to kiss each one of them. Fucking hell, Sirius thinks as he lifts his beer to to his lips, letting the familiar taste cool his tongue, ground him. Sirius makes a small sound in agreement and then they’re quiet for a moment. Sirius was going to wait until they had one or two drinks until bringing it up, but decides to just get it over with now before Remus catches on to the fact that something is up.
“I actually need to talk to you about something,” Sirius blurts. Remus snaps his head to meet Sirius’s gaze and raises a brow. Sirius looks down and clutches his beer to distract his hands. “Don’t be nervous, I’m not going to make any sort of big deal about it. But yeah it’s just something that I need to get out of my brain.” Sirius nods, more to himself to reassure that this is the right thing to do. He glances at Remus to see his gaze narrowed at Sirius. Remus swallows and Sirius watches his Adam's apple bob and Sirius has to look away. He can’t keep looking at Remus or he won’t be able to do this, so he fixates on the golden liquid in his cup again and takes a sip.
“Siriussssss,” Remus says petulantly and playfully reaches for Sirius’s hands. “What is this? Don’t do this.” Sirius gives the back of Remus’s hand a pat with his thumb and then lets go, getting back to picking at the shitty cardboard coaster underneath his beer glass.
“Stop, Moons, I need to. And you have no idea what I’m going to say.”
“No, I think I do.”
There’s a pause. Sirius can feel his heart in his throat. There’s no going back now.
“Fuck, of course you do, you’re way too fucking observant for your own good” Sirius groans, embarrassed. It’s one of the reasons he loves Remus. Remus’s ability to see Sirius, even when he doesn’t want to be seen. And Sirius has never been subtle. “I’m going to say it anyway because it needs to be done.” Remus nods, he doesn’t turn away.
“Okay, so I seem to have developed some very annoying and unwanted feelings for you.” Sirius blurts it out quickly. Remus opens his mouth to speak and Sirius holds up his hand to stop him. “No listen, please,” Sirius begs. Sirius meets his eyes and quickly looks away blinking to stop the tears he feels starting to form. Fuck, he really doesn’t want to cry. Crying is so not casual.
He musters up all of the stoicism he possibly has and says, “I need this to be extremely clear. I need you to tell me flat out to my face that you are not interested in me like that, okay? Otherwise, I know I’ll just let this get so much worse in my head and there will always be a what if? And I’m NOT letting myself be like in love with you silently while watching you fuck all these other people and fall in love with someone. I can’t do it, it hurts so much.”
He’s rambling and he knows it but now he can't stop. He can’t take his eyes off his beer slowly getting warmer from his fingers clenching nervously around the glass. Without looking he can sense Remus has gone completely still.
“And please don’t feel bad for me or give me any pity, I’ve thought about it over and over again and I’ve determined that this is the best way to do this for both of us. Once you say it, we never speak of it again and our friendship goes back to normal. I’m serious,” he lets out a chuckle, not needing to say the punchline of his signature joke, and quickly flicks his eyes up at Remus. His expression is completely unreadable, this frustrating man is not even laughing at the joke. So Sirius keeps talking.
“I am totally capable of going back to normal after this conversation as long as you are. I still want us to be able to talk about anything and everything. I’ll be able to get over these dumb feelings once you let me down - easily please - and you can still tell me all about your dating escapades and I’ll tell you about mine and it will be normal, I promise. And, I have not and will not tell anyone about this, so no one else will be weird about it either.” It’s not a lie. Yes, James knows about his feelings, but he won’t tell James about this conversation. He’s just going to drop the whole being in love with Remus after this and no one will think twice about it, he hopes. He hopes he’s coming off as genuine, that Remus believes him.
Sirius keeps going, “Okay? Repeat after me: I, Remus ‘emotionally unavailable by choice’ Lupin, do not have romantic feelings for you, Sirius ‘extremely brave and mature for doing this’ Black.” He desperately hopes the humor will support his case that he can be casual about this.
Sirius looks up expectantly at Remus for his response. Wide eyes and an amused grin meet him. Sirius immediately looks back down at his hands, starts to fidget with his rings now, his now warm beer glass finally getting a moment to breathe. Remus still isn’t saying anything. Why isn’t he saying anything?
“Hello? Why aren’t you saying it? Okay fine, you don’t have to say the silly middle names. Now go.”
“Sirius,” Remus says in way too soft of a voice.
“Nope, wrong, start over.” Sirius is back to clutching his disgustingly warm beer with both hands, contemplating just chugging it.
“Sirius,” Remus repeats a little firmer, his voice lower. Honestly, he’s just being mean to Sirius using that tone in a time like this.
“Remus, I need you to do this, okay? Be kind to me.” He didn’t really mean to say that last part, but his plan has gone out the window. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck.
“Pads, stop…” Remus clips, interrupting him. But Sirius wants to keep his control over this conversation, so he keeps going.
“And then we can just leave, go meet up with James and Pete and the rest of them and this can be done. Please, Remus just-” Sirius is begging now which is just sad.
“SIRIUS,” Remus almost yells this time.
Sirius fully stops this time, holds his breath, and finally looks at Remus. Really looks at him. Remus is staring back at him with wide pleading eyes, his expression still indiscernible. Sirius stops dead in his tracks. Does Remus not want to say it? Does that mean-? No. He can’t let himself go there. Can’t let himself have the thought that Remus might actually like him back. He’s done this too many times.
No, no, no. Oh fuck, he’s going to cry. Sirius finally takes a shaky breath and blinks rapidly, swallowing down the tightness in his throat and manages to hold back the tears.
Remus sighs, “I can’t say that, Sirius.”