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Swann regrets going outside the instant she enters the patio; the late night wind chills her bones and the picnic bench is just slightly damp. She hugs her arms close to her chest. She still can't believe that Nora freaking MALAKIAN is sitting in front of her, furiously typing on her phone and muttering under her breath. At first, It was hard to believe that this confident, mature woman was once the awkward outcast that stole Swann’s heart but she quickly saw the cracks in the woman’s facade. Nora wanted her friends to be astonished at how successful and fulfilled she was now. Sauntering into the diner 2 hours later with her perfect hair, perfect family, perfect life but Swann knew it was all a lie.
She knew when she saw the faint tan lines around Nora’s ring finger.
Nora places her phone onto the table and groans. She lights a cigarette and passes the carton over to Swann.
“I already told you. I don’t smoke anymore.” In truth, Swann never did. She might partake in the odd pot brownie and she was quite fond of fruity cocktails, but not cigarettes. She only smoked to make Nora think she was cool.
“Right..” Nora stares at Swann; She's been doing it all night. When you traverse life in a body like Swann’s, you get used to stares, whether it’s your weight or the pitch of your voice. But this is different . If Swann didn't know any better, she’d dare say her new-old friend was attracted to her.
“Okie dokie,” Swann hesitantly replies. The night is nearly over and they still haven't opened the box. “Where were we? Uhm- we watched the meteor shower and then there were the deers?”
“No, not the deers, not without Autumn” Nora examines her nails, watching Swann from the corner of her eye. “Y’know… we haven't talked about our sleepovers, yet.”
“We’ve talked about Fawn’s curse.”
“No, not those ones. Come on, you remember, right? When it was just us?”
Swann flushed. “Do we have to? It’s getting late.”. Swann can’t quite remember what they used to do on those long summer nights in Nora’s garage and she doesn't want to. It’ll just be another thing stolen from her by the abyss that she’ll never get back.
Swann knows the basics and that's what matters. When she was 16 years old she made the best friends of her life, people who truly knew her and loved her. She uncovered her true self within a coven of teenage witches instead of a college dorm room. They laughed, loved and worshipped. Then one day, the abyss took it back. Her memories, her friends, even her own identity.
The worst part is deep down, she still wonders if the abyss was trying to protect them. A small part of her knows that they did something so horrible, so unforgivable that the only way to alleviate their pain was to take it all away.
What’s most important now is opening that lock and figuring out what happened to Kat. Not, recounting awkward teenage flings.
“You keep saying our past is important. Let’s take a break.” Nora smiles slightly. “For me?”
“Fine. didn’t we start that weekend when Kat got grounded for biting Correy? When your folks were in cancun.”
—
“Are you sure I can stay?” Swann asked. Last night was almost a perfect sleepover. It was a non-stop party full of cool music and endless board games. Unfortunately, Autumn had to babysit and Kat had a vague appointment which she refused to elaborate upon. It felt awkward sitting in Nora’s garage without the chatter of the girls. Having all of Nora’s attention focused entirely on him was strange, to say the least.
“Swannn shut up, of course I do, it’s so boring here.” Nora yelled, despite Swann being right next to her. “I like you. We all do. You don't have to be so- you all the time.”
“I just don't want to impose.”
“You’re literally my only friend who likes rom coms..” Nora whines. “If you don't stay I'll be really really sad.”
“Fine.”
“Fuck yeah.you’re the best.” Nora sped out of the garage and into the kitchen. The house shook as she viciously tore through the pantry hunting for munchies.
It had been weeks and still Swann felt out of place in his new strange friend group. He appreciated his friends' attempts to include him, really (Kat had even declared him an honorary riot grrl) but he still felt different, worse- he felt jealous. There was an unspoken connection between them all. Their affection couldn't be mistaken as anything but platonic feelings. He was the lumbering thing behind them, a living tripod. Forced to record what he could never experience. A ringing phone erupted through the house and Nora answered, a wave of muttering echoed through the house before Nora called out. “Swann, it’s for you!”
He rehearsed the script in his head as he walked up the stairs. The perfect things to say to not only get his mom off his back but ensure she wouldn't suspect anything ulterior about his sleepovers. The last thing he needed was his mother assuming he had a girlfriend, let alone that he was dating one of his bandmates, the very thought made him queasy.
“Hi honey. “ His mom’s tone was patronizing and overly sweet. “That Malakian
Girl sounds very sweet, are you two having a nice time?”
“We are. I was going to stay over again, if that’s ok.”
“Of course.” Swann’s mom paused, her tone becoming firm. “Just make sure to use protection.”
“Ew! No-”
“It’s ok, sweetie. You’re a young man. your father and I started dating at your age too. Honestly, we were getting worried-”
“She’s not my girlfriend!” Swann’s whisper instead came out as a yelp. Suddenly, he felt gross in a way he couldn't quite describe. It made him want to throw up. “We’re just friends.”
“Sure.” Swann’s mother laughed with disbelief. “Just make sure they know that. Girls at that age can be.. Emotional. “
The line clicked and Swann felt disgusted. he was suddenly aware of every patch of hair covering his body and his chest hurt, badly.
–
Swann sat in front of the television in silence, clutching the bowl of half burnt popcorn on his lap, a delectable buffet of munchies spread out before him. Nora was kneeled down beside the tv. “Does your mom think we’re uh- y’know?”
“I'm really, really sorry! I keep telling her, but she won't believe me.”
Nora laughed. “I’m not mad at you, dude. It’s funny.”
“No, it's gross!”
“Wow, I'm that ugly?”
“No? You’re not ugly.”
“So you think I'm pretty, then.”
“Uh no- yes? No-”
“Relax, I'm fucking with ya.” Nora shook her head and hopped down on the couch right beside Swann. It finally hit Swann as to just where he was. He was in a dark garage illuminated only by the glow of a tv with a beautiful woman nuzzled beside him. He called her name, and she smiled.
“Hey Nor’, this isn’t a date, right?” Swann paused, He was never good at picking up on social cues and now he was fucking terrified.
“Ew, no!” Nora laughed. “I know you’re into guys.”
“I’m not?”
“Oh. OH! Really, are you sure?” Nora seemed almost disappointed.
“I mean, it’s ok if people are, I'm just not? I'm not into anyone, really.”
Nora was silent, really silent for an awkward amount of time. It unnerved Swann, slightly. He’d never seen her this- this still! She moved away from Swann, averted eye contact and wrapped her arms around her knees. “You know I like girls, right?”
“Oh. “Swann didn't know what to say, he really didn't know what to say. Does he congratulate her? Give her condolences? “That’s cool. I like girls too!” Nora began to cry and Swann worried that he’d done something, his hand hovered over her shoulder; unsure if he should console her or not.
He tried to apologise but Nora laughed, she wouldn't stop laughing and crying. His hand bristled against her shoulder and Nora leaned forward, pressing her head against his chest. They stayed like this for who knows how long,tv static illuminating the room like monochrome fireflies.
Nora pulled away, streaks of eyeliner and mascara rolling down her face. She looked at Swann, really looked at him, and smiled. “Dude, you stink.”
–
Swann hated smoking weed, he hated the bitter aftertaste and how it seeped into his lungs, burning his throat. But it was worth it. For a few brief hours, His wayward mind full of endless thoughts and anxieties dissipates into ether. He can't think about the move or agonise over if his friends are too polite to say that they hate him, he just exists. But even then, that old familiar feeling still pulsates in his chest, an unending sense of wrongness.
Nora’s taste in movies was interesting. Kat opted for the goriest, most action packed movies while Autumn always brought spine tingling horror, but Nora’s tastes were completely unlike her presentation. She wanted the cutest, softest romances possible and you wouldn't dare call her out on it or she would get mad.
Swann was ashamed to admit it but he understood, she really understood. Her secret stash was full of cheap gaudy paperbacks she’d found on sales racks. Sometimes it was nice to take a break from axe wielding slashers and haunted houses and just see people get everything they want.
Especially if they were both women.
Swann always felt like a pervert reading those novels, like a creep oggling through the windows as two beautiful women cemented their love, but he couldn't resist it. The most badly written paperback where the women all died at the end was infinitely better than any story where a girl kissed a guy.
Nora’s latest choice was strange, to say the least. It was about an arrogant womanizer who, after breaking the heart of a witch, finds himself turned into a beautiful woman.
Nora had not shut up since her awkward confession earlier that night, he was subjected to a long lecture on her feelings throughout childhood, the first time she saw girls holding hands in LA and of course a vivid recounting of her falling for an old friend who despite Nora’s insistence to the contrary, was clearly about Autumn.
Swann didn't mind; she seemed glad to finally share these feelings with someone else, and she was a pretty good storyteller. Nora spent the last hour recounting the time she snuck out of her mom’s apartment to go see a concert and how a series of massive mistakes lead to her kissing a nameless woman on the other side of LA. He was ashamed to admit it but he felt kind of jealous.
Swann was loath to admit it but he found himself almost jealous. The film drew to a close, and the tv faded to black, the world of color dissipating to reveal a young man, his eyes beat red and his head resting against his friend’s shoulder.
“Weird movie, right?” Nora yawned as she stumbled off the couch and removed the tape. “Sorry if it grossed you out or anything.”
“No- i liked it. It was very interesting…”
“Kinda unrealistic, though. No guy would want to be a chick!”
“I don't know about that. Being a girl sounds way better.”
“Geez, it almost sounds like you wanna be a girl.”
Swann was silent. Guilt and shaming circling around him. With a single off handed remark, Nora had broken through 16 years' worth of defenses, stabbing at his greatest insecurity. It made him feel freakish and vile because Nora was right. He did. For as long as he could remember, his body felt wrong. it was as if every moment of his life was spent watching a movie of someone else’s life and it was a boring one at that. He wanted nothing more to be someone else, someone that wasn't expected to be the perfect son, someone beautiful.
He tried to speak, tried to change the subject to something else, anything else, but nothing came out when he opened his lips. Nothing at all.
“One of my mom’s friend’s did that.” Nora said it like it’s the most natural thing in the world.”She's like- really pretty. You wouldn't even know she used to be a guy!”
Swann saw a person like that once. He'd sprained his ankle trying to get the perfect shot of a purple eyed raven perched atop a Mikaelsen ranch billboard. He spent the entire summer watching endless streams of day time tv with his mom. He saw men with crab claws for hands,self proclaimed witches and even a woman who claimed to have spent a century trapped within a bottomless pit just outside of Velvet Cove! But what interested her the most was a woman, around his mother’s age, who apparently used to be a man. Swann was amazed but his mom seemed almost disgusted, so she turned the program off midway through; opting for a cooking show focused entirely on spaghetti.
He’d seen other women like that on a handful of websites. He’d actually spent more time researching them than he’d like to admit, but he was nothing like them. They were all rail thin models and actresses. Beautiful women who’d known their true selves since they were little kids. Swann was nothing like these girls, even if he wished he could be like them.
“You’d make a pretty girl.” Nora cuts through the silence.
“No, I wouldn't..”
“Well.” Nora nudges her head towards a pile of boxes in the corner labeled 4 good will. “My step monster is about your size. We could see?”
“Are you joking?”
“Come onnn, it;; be fun. it’s- dress up!”
—
Nora’s warm breath made his hair stand on end, and her brushes tickled his skin. Her movements were messy, and they both kept pausing to laugh, but they pushed through it. Nora muttered something about Swann’s cheekbones and he blushed bright red.
Linda’s clothes were quite frumpy, and Swann struggled to find anything that wasn't “school receptionist chic”. Eventually he settled on a short green dress, cut just below the knees. It was tight in all the wrong places and was a size too small, yet it felt better than the t-shirt and corduroys that sat discarded in the corner.
Nora sat in the corner, politely averting her eyes but shaking with excitement. “Hurry up, lemme see.”
Swann’s arms hugged his chest tight; he reassured himself that this would all be over soon. She braced for Nora’s laughter at the chubby mass of hair with a bra stuffed with socks looming over her. But it didn't come. Nora was silent, her eyes glittering with an emotion that Swann couldn't quite place. Only one word escaped her lips. “Wow.”
“Is it- do i look ok?”
“This is so weird!!.” Nora rushed across the room and inspected her up close, examining her from all angles. Nora was closer now, too close. She kept analysing him, a grin wide on her face. “Swannn! You look so pretty!!”
“Really?” Swann trembled. Nora had to be joking. There was no way someone like him, with this disgusting body, could ever be anything close to pretty. “Can I see?”
Nora held up a compact mirror, and Swann gasped. A stranger looked back at Swann. it was a girl with his eyes and his freckle dotted face, but it wasn't him, it couldn't be. The girl copied his movements perfectly, and she was grinning ear to ear. Nora tried to fix Swann’s choker, but she froze as her gaze fixed on the girl that had replaced her friend. They stayed like that for a moment, looking into each other's eyes, their breaths against each other's cheeks.
“Are you ok?” Swann broke the silence and Nora pulled back, as if she was broken out of a spell.
Nora covered her face, trying to stifle her laughter. A pit welled in Swann’s stomach, of course she thought he looked ridiculous. “I'm sorry, really. It’s just- you look like a real girl!”
“Thanks.”
Nora couldn't stop looking at her, unable to fathom that her dorky friend was the same entity as this confident young woman, an angel illuminated only by the flickering static of the television set. Her hands felt clammy, and she found it hard to even look this girl in the eye.
“Did I do something wrong? I can take it off if you want me to?”
“No! No. Im ok, really.” Nora gestured for Swann to sit down beside her. “You’re so fucking pretty, it’s distracting.”
“It almost sounds like you’re into me.” Swann joked, but Nora didn't respond.
“I'm sorry, ok! But i keep seeing a VERY hot girl and i have to keep reminding myself youre not and then i forget again and-”
“What if i was. Yknow, like your mom’s friend, would you be mad?”
“no?”
They looked at each other, really looked at each other. Past the superficial high school bullshit, past the guises this shitty small town had forced upon them. Nora finally saw her, really saw Swann. The kind but unbelievably dorky beauty trapped within this shell. For a brief moment, nothing mattered but the two of them.
Swann didn't know if it was the beer, the weed or even just utter exhaustion but she didn't flinch when Nora brushed her hand against her cheek or when her punky friend leaned in towards her and closed her eyes. Patiently waiting. Then their lips connected and a burst of pure magic beamed through them.
It was then that Swann finally felt like she belonged.
–
Swann Holloway has no idea what’s trapped inside the abyss, she has her theories; so many theories. However she knows one undeniable fact about it.
It is pure evil.
She did not want to reduce the morality of a sentient bottomless pit to a human moral framework, but there’s no other way to explain what it did to them–why it would give them so much only to take it all back.
The other Swann Holloway, the one who didn't remember that summer, discovered her true self 6 years later alone in her dorm room on a Tuesday afternoon. She had no friends to support her and her girlfriend at the time was not happy at all. But Swann didn't mind. She thought she’d finally figured out how to cure that empty pit inside her soul.
She was wrong. The hole inside her wasn't metaphorical, it was literal; it was the abyss embedded deep inside her, feeding off the life she could've lived. One where Kat died in a warm bed surrounded by her best friends instead of disappearing to who knows where. One where Swann not only knew her true self but had friends who knew the true Swann, too- who loved her.
Maybe in that world, she wouldn't be stuck in another dying small town with only her cat for company. Maybe Nora wouldn’t be constantly excusing herself to argue with her wife’s divorce lawyer every 30 minutes and maybe, just maybe, Autumn would get an actual night off. She definitely deserves it.
“Y’know” Nora traces her finger against the rim of her glass. “I lied about that girl in L.A. You were actually my first.”
“Oh.”
“I really liked our sleepovers.” Nora placed her hand over Swann’s and rubbed it with her thumb. “I loved you, you know that right?”
“I loved you too.”