Chapter Text
Edel
“We only have a few days left, don’t make me do it alone!”
My eyes had been crusted shut with sleep. Slowly prying them open, I was met with Niamh, glaring down at me with her beady blue eyes. Shifting so my face was buried in my scruffy pillow, I croaked, “I always get there at some point.”
“But I hate walking alone,” she groaned in a tone that could rival a five-year-old's. “I’ve practically done it every day this week!”
No one my age liked walking alone around here–understandably so–but it was late enough to where the junkies had crawled back into their flats and early enough to where people were beginning to find their ways for the day. Niamh would be fine, like always.
“I was out till the arse crack of dawn, Niamh,” I groaned back. “I’m beyond tired."
My comforter was ripped off me at that. “Edel Lorraine Harkin!”
I rolled on my back and dragged both hands down my sleep-deprived face. “Fine!” I flung my feet off the side of the twin-sized bed. “Why don’t we wake the whole complex while we’re at it?”
Stomping across my 2x4 room, I flung open my dresser, only to be met with three options. Not including my dressing gown that I swiped from Teresa a few floors down, my wardrobe consisted of my green and blue uniform, a pair of trousers, and two shirts. The clothes that weren’t for school were on a constant rotation depending on what I could trade with the other kids in my flat complex. Right now, I was pretty satisfied with what I had and wasn’t planning on trading anytime soon. Next to the multi-colored, striped t-shirt was probably my most prized possession. I had received the pink and red tie-front top from my old neighbor, Joan, since she was ditching us for some rich fella deeper into the city. Couldn’t say I was sad to see her go, especially when it meant receiving such a gorgeous top.
“God, you look like shite.”
Clutching the door to my wardrobe, I turned to glower at my best friend. I knew my long, blond hair probably resembled a rat's nest more than anything at the moment, and my face was puffy from lack of sleep, so I couldn’t really argue back. “You always look like shite, Nia.”
She chuckled. “C’mon,” she said, making her way to the rickety slab of wood that was a poor excuse for a door. “My Ma made some rashers.”
My stomach grumbled in response.
Throwing on my school skirt and jumper, I legged it out of my room for the bathroom. As expected, I looked a mess. I hadn’t made it back to my flat till 4 am this morning, and that was more than evident.
You wouldn’t have to if you just left.
That thought had lingered in my mind since the ripe age of twelve, the first time my Ma had forced my hand. Every day, simply packing up and leaving was becoming more and more enticing. But when I walked out of that bathroom after fixing myself up, I knew I couldn’t.
Ma was passed out on the couch as usual, everything about her being a reflection of me–and I despised it. If it weren’t for the copious amounts of cocaine she ingested almost every day, I would consider her beautiful. The red blemishes that marred her skin were getting to the point of gruesome, and her golden hair was as thin as ever, along with the bluish skin under her eyes.
I couldn’t stand the look of her, it made my stomach roil in disgust. Disgust might have been harsh, but there was no other word to describe the feeling I got when I saw a woman I thought I loved reduce her value down to a substance. Literally.
There was no point in grabbing anything from the adjoined kitchen to bring over to the Balfe’s, because I knew there was nothing in there. Besides, I had already foolishly checked at 4 am this morning.
Clambering into my shoes, I winced as I heard Ma begin to stir. That woman could sleep through just about anything, so I was never really courteous when it came to loud sounds.
“Edel,” I heard her croak. “Is that you, love?”
My shoulders coiled in on themselves. “Yeah, Ma.”
Turning from my point at the front door, I watched as my Ma slowly pulled herself up into a sitting position whilst hacking up a lung.
“Would you be a dear and grab my cigarette box and a light?”
I sighed. Clutching my school bag, I swiped the cigarettes and lighter off the kitchen counters and brought it over to her.
“Good on ye,” she praised. Popping a cigarette in her mouth, she wrapped her satin dressing gown tighter around her frail build before giving it a light. I knew that dressing gown was the only thing concealing her dignity since I didn’t think this woman had owned a piece of clothing since I was born.
“I’m off,” I announced as I spun on my heel.
“Wait,” she called out, causing my spine to stiffen. “I need it, love.”
Love. Sure, Ma.
“What do you need it for?” I pushed, already knowing the answer as if it had been tattooed onto my brain.
“I’m not playing games with you, Edel,” she said, extending a hand. “Either you hand it over or we don’t make rent.”
“I can drop it off at the office on my way to school,” I protested.
Her face hardened to something almost desperate. “Please, love. I work just as hard as you to keep this family afloat.”
This family being a junkie and a bastard born daughter.
I knew she worked almost as much as I did, but where her money actually went to rent, mine was dolled out for her next fix. When that was eventually blown within a day or two, it put her in debt. Put me in debt. It was an endless, visceral cycle.
Still, I relented as I noticed the beads of sweat that began accumulating on her brow. She had gotten so reliant that the rare times she wasn’t off her rocker, she began to immediately go through withdrawals. I knew if I didn’t fork over the money, the tremors would follow suit. Or worse, she could have another seizure.
It had been my fault. The last time I tried to keep the money I made to get groceries, I had arrived back home to Ma violently thrashing on the floor, foam spilling from her lips. If it hadn’t been for Niamh’s Ma, Miriam, who was a nurse, she would have surely died since I had not a clue what to do. The sight of my Ma’s eyes rolling back into her head still haunted me in my sleep, along with the various other overdoses I had witnessed in my sixteen years of life.
If I withheld the money, I sentenced her to a quick death. If I handed over the money, I was offering her a slower death.
Of course, I handed over my earnings from last night. “Sixty punt,” I said, pushing my fifteen percent cuts into her hand.
It could have been so easy to leave the money in my school bag and leave.
Just. Leave.
“You’re the best.” She offered me a total change in demeanor with a smile that I knew was only reserved for when she got her way. “Will you be home for dinner?”
That was a fun little game we liked to play with each other. She asked me if I would be home after school, and if I wasn’t planning on it, it meant she could bring one of her men over. It was much less vulgar than her outright asking, “Oh sweet daughter of mine, would it be ok if I brought one of the men that buys my services over while you make yourself busy elsewhere?”
At least she had some sense to ask rather than outwardly kick me out. Our game started after I had arrived home after a day in second year when I had walked in on my mom splayed out on her back on the very couch I was standing before.
I hadn’t come home for a week after that.
“No, Ma. I’ll make myself busy.”
I begrudgingly made my way to the door once more when her parting words made my face turn sour. “You’re my favorite daughter, Edel.”
If a girl my age–or any age for that matter–forked over enough money for her next fix, I’m sure they would be too.
“About time!” My loud best friend announced upon my arrival at the unit across from mine.
Rather than addressing her first, I made a beeline for the woman cooking up breakfast over the burner. I smacked a kiss on her cheek that was slightly curtained by her brunette hair. “Hello, Mammy Miriam.”
“Hello, pet,” she said, her plump cheeks pulling up from the sweet smile she offered me. “Grab a plate, will ye.”
Without hesitation, I snatched up an empty plate and piled on the rashers and scramble the wonderful lady had cooked up. I had nothing but respect for Miriam since she truly did not have to live in such a dump. Nonetheless, raise a family here. She was more than determined to work in an underprivileged area, and I couldn’t be less than grateful for that. I wouldn’t have a Mam of my own if she hadn’t moved here with Niamh and her son.
“Will,” I said, greeting the eldest Balfe. I scuffed up his ginger hair and was immediately met with a swat to the arm. My eyes narrowed. “You really want to throw down this early?” I threatened. “We know what happened last time.”
“Because you held a fork to my throat,” he grumbled around some scramble.
“It was deserved,” Niamh chided. “You took my Opal Fruits.”
“Ma got those for me, prick.” He pointed at his sister across the small table. “Not you.”
“Language, William,” Miriam threw over her shoulder.
Will threw his arms up in disbelief, and I had to smother a laugh. “Did you not hear me, Ma? I’m the victim here.”
That time I did laugh.
“The only victim here is me,” Niamh argued. “I’m down a pack of Opal Fruits!”
“How about you lot pack it in and eat,” Miriam scolded. “You have five minutes if you want to make it to school on time.”
While most kids in my complex made it to school whenever they so damned pleased, the Balfe’s and I held each other accountable. Miriam always likes to remind us that if we want more options in life, we have to stick to school. I was ninety percent sure that was directed at me rather than her own children, since they had many options when it came to money or family members who gave them opportunities elsewhere. Miriam had gone to uni in Birmingham for Christ's sake, why she stuck it out here, I haven't a clue.
Swallowing down my last bite, I rinsed my dish and put it on the draining board. “Thanks as always,” I said to Miriam as Niamh dragged me outside. Will was at our back as always, probably had it in his head that he was some big guard dog. While he had some height, I was the one who would bite if coerced.
The first days of summer were beginning to poke their heads through the glum clouds that drowned the skies of Ballymun. I was glad that I had decided to tie my long hair up; otherwise, I would be dripping sweat down the back of my neck.
“You alright, doll?”
“Hm? Why wouldn’t I be?” If I were being honest, there were many reasons I wouldn’t be, but I dealt with them all on a daily basis, so I didn’t understand why it would be any different today.
“Nothing.” I raised a skeptical brow. “Ok fine,” Niamh was quick to relent. “You just seem more tired than usual.”
That would be Kipper pushing the finish line.
“It’s grand,” I said, shrugging her off.
“Is yer Ma giving you trouble again?” Will had the balls to ask.
“When is she not?”
Shrugging, he said, “Fair enough.”
“You're always welcome to stay with us,” Niamh said, slinging an arm around my shoulders. “You’ll always have me, doll.”
That's how it had been since the day she had knocked on my door all those years ago. If she had done that a door down, she might have lost a rib, but luckily, it had been me. All alone in that flat, desperate for food, I walked over to her flat, and the rest had been history.