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Dull thuds echoed through the dark alleyway. Groans occasionally interrupted their hurried rhythm once in a while, turning the beat into a gruesome soundtrack for the freezing January night. The black sky was blurred by the hazy white breaths puffing out of chapped lips.
He couldn't see or hear anything clearly. There was a pressure in his chest that let up the slightest bit each time his foot made impact with something, only to close even tighter around his lungs once it was gone. Even though he knew each kick only spiked his anxiety more in the end, he couldn't help but keep going. The only relief he could get was the moment of impact, there was nothing else for him.
Crack.
Suddenly, whatever he had kept kicking gave way with a sickening crunch. All the air was sucked out of the moment, clearing his sight to look at what he had been destroying.
Brown, teary eyes stared up into his like they had been able to see him clearly the whole time.
“Heungsoo,” he breathed out.
His head swiveled around, looking for two scrawny kids just like him, but there was no one else.
“No.” He looked down upon himself, expecting to see dark trousers. Instead, he was blinded by the beige fabric covering his legs.
The world around him was starting to blur again and all he could see was Park Heung Soo in his Seungri High blazer looking up at him from the ground with betrayal in his eyes.
“No, no, no, nononono,” he barely even heard the words. The sound of bone breaking was reverberating through the alley like an echo being slammed back and forth between the walls for eternity. Nothing but this moment for the rest of time, over and over and over again.
Go Namsoon awoke with a scream stuck in his throat. A mixture of tears and panic was choking him. His coughs shook his sweat-soaked body and only stopped once he sat up straight in bed with his hands grasping at the moist fabric of his sleep shirt. When he looked down, he saw that it was the faded Seo Taiji one Heungsoo had lent him a few weeks ago when they had gotten caught in the rain on their way home from school.
“Heungsoo!”
It felt like the name had been clawed out of his throat rather than rolling from his lips. Namsoon’s hands grasped the clammy skin there as another cough pushed his upper body forward.
Once he could finally breathe easy again, Namsoon pulled up his knees to scrunch up into a ball and press his eyes against them. The images dancing behind his eyelids weren't blurry the way his actual memories had become over the years. It had taken years of replaying them over and over in his head for them to fade into the spotty sequence they had become.
However this dream had been a whole new monster swallowing him whole. No, that wasn't right. He had been the monster. No, he still was the monster. He was still the very same person that had broken Heungsoo’s knee years ago and shattered his dream and future in the process.
A chill went down Namsoon's spine as the sweat started to cool on his skin. With a sigh, he turned to his bedside table to check whether it was an acceptable time to get up yet or whether he should just try to go back to sleep and deal with his disgusting state later. Right next to the old-fashioned alarm clock was a wooden picture frame that caught his eye.
After they had initially made up over ramen, Namsoon had put up the picture Heungsoo’s sister had taken of them years ago at one of Heungsoo’s soccer games again. But since Heungsoo had started sleeping over at night more than not, it had become almost like a raw egg the two of them had tried not to break. So Namsoon had decided to exchange it for the one the two of them had taken on the ramen outing teacher Jung had sent them on.
Although Heungsoo clearly looked annoyed, the photo always brought a smile to Namsoon's face. Even now, the corners of his mouth almost magically lifted. Hands still slightly shaky from the nightmare, he picked it up to angle it into the fading moonlight illuminating his room.
“It was just a nightmare,” he whispered to himself. He couldn't be the same Namsoon he had been in middle school, because he and Heungsoo were different now.
He tsked to himself.
“Letting a nightmare rattle you like this. Are you five years old, you bastard?” His voice didn't reach above a whisper, but it was enough to reassure himself for now.
Still, something made Namsoon tighten his grip on the frame and just keep staring at it until he involuntarily fell back asleep in a crumple, the frame still clutched close to his chest.
“Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!”
Namsoon was hopping all over the place with the one sneaker he had found so far with no pullover or blazer required for his uniform in sight. He had put his things in the washing machine last night, but after a particularly long night of delivery, he had forgotten to get them out and put them in the dryer.
Every thirty seconds he went over to the hamper again, but each time he smelled his clothes, he was hit with something damp and musty. Even if he said fuck it, there was no time to actually dry his things, seeing as he was already late because his stupid alarm clock hadn't made a single beep this morning.
He came to a standstill in the middle of the living room. Namsoon put his hands on his hips and gave a big sigh, throwing his head back in the process.
“It is what it is,” he mumbled to himself. A minute was all he gave himself to be annoyed at this awful start of his day. Then he kicked off the shoe he was wearing to stomp into the bedroom in sock-clad feet. In front of the bed, he slid onto his knees and reached underneath to pull out the pair he had grown out of a year ago.
When he put the shoes on his feet, he grimaced at the pressure from all sides before even getting up. Today would be a long day, he probably would not even bother to waddle to the cafeteria for lunch. Heungsoo would have to get him something and bring it to him.
For the first time that morning, Namsoon smiled. He could already imagine the complaints Heungsoo would hit him with, saying that he wasn't his servant. But he also knew that Heungsoo would get him something in the end. Not without insulting him, of course, but otherwise it would be uncomfortable anyway.
It was this image that gave him the motivation to pull on his gym jacket and rush out of the house. Strictly speaking, the scooter was for deliveries only and Namsoon didn't use it for personal affairs as to not pay too much for gas, but one look at the time on his phone made it clear to him that there was no way he would make it before the gates closed if he walked. So he quickly put on the helmet and jumped onto the scooter to rush off to school.
When Namsoon got there, the janitor was already starting to pull the gate closed. Stumbling and almost falling off his bike in his rush, he barely managed to lock the thing.
“Wait!,” he yelled. “Wait, Miss, please, I am here!” His voice came out squeaky and uneven, but the teacher heard him and stopped what she was doing. Pins pricked his side and he started holding it with a grimace as he jogged through the gates. He threw the teacher a pained smile.
“Thanks, teach!” Namsoon even managed a half-hearted bow before continuing on his painful jog into the building and up the stairs to the classroom.
He cursed when he saw the doors were already closed.
“Of fucking course,” Namsoon heaved a sigh. With a final rush of energy, he threw the back door open. He entered the room already bent into a bow and repeated it another two times as he mumbled apologies repeatedly. Namsoon did not bother looking up just to be met with the arrogant gaze of teacher Kang. Instead, he zeroed in on his desk as he made his way toward it. As soon as he arrived, he threw his bag down on the ground next to it and fell into his chair with a sigh.
The others were so used to this behaviour from him - although, not so much as of late - that they barely glanced at him and even Mr. Kang only rolled his eyes and chose to continue his little speech that Namsoon couldn't bother listening to. Still, when he let his head fall onto the table, arms making his most used cushion for it, he felt a pair of eyes on him. He lifted his head away from the window and bedded his head again facing the other side.
Heungsoo's dark eyes immediately met his. A few years ago, his friend had been an open book to him. Now it was written in a language he had once spoken, but hadn’t used in ages. Namsoon got better every day, but he couldn't understand every gaze of Heungsoo yet, like his body was an extension of his own.
Now that the adrenaline was running out, Namsoon felt the lack of sleep he had gotten last night. He was used to it, he really was. He had been doing deliveries for a few years now and even before that he used to stay out extra late to avoid going home. Well, apart from the nights he knew the Parks were having family night or after Heungsoo's mum had another doctor's appointment. It didn't matter anymore. Either way he hadn't gotten much sleep since elementary school so maybe the nightmare had taken more energy out of him than he had initially thought. Whatever it was, as he was looking at Heungsoo and wondering what he was trying to tell him with his gaze, he fell asleep before he could figure it out.
A soft punch to the back of his head startled Go Namsoon out of his slumber. Confused as to what the weight still on the back of his neck was, he reached behind. His hand closed around the bag of bread with a crinkle and his smile had already fully spread over his face by the time he held it in front of his eyes.
“Choco bread.” He fluttered his eyes first at the beloved bread and then up at Heungsoo, who was leaning against the desk next to his with an annoyed expression on his face. “I knew you cared about me, Heungsoo-yah.”
Heungsoo tsked. “Who cares about you, bastard? This was already in the vending machine, when I got my shit. Who knows how long it's been there. Maybe I just wanna poison your annoying ass.”
His smile stretched out wider to the point he could feel it hurting his jaw. It was so ridiculous how anything just made joy bloom inside his chest nowadays. He didn't even feel the need to point out that Heungsoo had no vending machine food in his hand, but a packaged sandwich from home. Namsoon simply sat up and leaned against the back of his chair with a laugh as he ripped the plastic open. “Alright. Can you call the ambulance if this evil bread poisons me then? I’ll grant you a favour for saving my life.”
The rustle of foil being ripped to get to his sandwich was the only answer Heungsoo deigned him with. He could see the smile pushing up a corner of his mouth though so the grin stayed on his face as Namsoon lifted the chocolatey goodness to his mouth. Right before he could sink his teeth into it, however, a hand landed on his shoulder.
“They are serving nothing but banchan at the cafeteria, let's go to the rooftop instead.” Jihoon’s bright voice usually filled him with fondness for the least tiresome of the three troublemakers, but today, he just wanted to eat and sleep. The only person he could really tolerate for that and who would get him and be quiet without him having to ask was Heungsoo.
“Oah, chocolate! I’m starving!”
The choco bread was snatched right out of his hands before he could finally bite into it. His eyes followed the tasty treat until they landed on Jihoon, who was leaning close to Heungsoo against the desk. He looked as happy about their appearance as Namsoon was feeling.
Heungsoo took the bread back and shoved Jihoon away by the shoulder.
“Have you lost your mind?” His eyes were relaxed, but you could see the agitation in his stiffened posture. He had never liked physical contact from anyone but his family and Namsoon. Additionally, from the get go he had only reluctantly accepted the two of them around because Namsoon had a soft spot for them. If it hadn't been for him, he doubted that Heungsoo would have exchanged a single word with them.
Jihoon and Yikyung straightened up and took a step away from the two of them. Apparently they remembered who Tsunami was. At least they didn't bow this time. Jihoon was grinning sheepishly, while Yikyung awkwardly rubbed the shoulder Heungsoo had collided with.
While he didn't feel like hanging out with them, especially with how drained he still was from last night, Namsoon had just gotten the two of them to not be scared of him and Heungsoo anymore. He also knew they were kind of lost without Jongho around to tell them what to do. Namsoon knew kids like this. Ones who always needed someone to lead them around, because they were too unsure of each step they took. And Jongho hadn't just been a gang leader to them, but a friend. He knew they still got hold of him every now and then, but nowhere close to regularly. After each time they met, Jihoon looked even more worried than before so Namsoon could take a wild guess how things were still going at home for Oh Jongho.
To dispel any fight before it could even take shape, he got up with an over exaggerated groan. “So… rooftop?” He signalled the start of lunch by finally taking a bite out of his chocolate bread. “Ugh,” Namsoon licked his finger that already had chocolate on it. “This is seriously so good.”
Heungsoo rolled his eyes.
“Are you a child?,” he grouched. “Can't even eat properly.” No matter how annoyed he acted, he put his hands in his pockets and made his way across the classroom. Namsoon smiled at a plan well executed and hurried after him, taking bites here and there. Sure enough, he heard the others trample after them so they were all gathered on the rooftop quickly enough.
As he shoved the last of his lunch into his mouth, Namsoon let himself fall on the ground. Forlornly, he stared at the empty wrapper in his hands. All he had left was the bits of chocolate on his thumb. He tried to savor them with each lick and only stopped when he heard Yikyung snort at his antics.
He chose to lay back and close his eyes, hoping to get some sleep, instead of telling the brat off. Soon enough, he felt a familiar body lower itself down next to him. Another beat and something soft was pressed against his head. Namsoon blinked his eyes open to make sure it was Heungsoo. When he saw the other without his blazer, he took the blue piece of fabric to make it his new pillow. Heungsoo didn't even look at him throughout this, like he had nothing to do with it. Namsoon shrugged. If Heungsoo wanted to be all tsundere, it was his choice.
Sadly, the voices of Yikyung and Jihoon were too loud to actually fall asleep, so he resigned himself to resting his eyes and dozing a bit until the end of the break.
“I’m just saying, my cousin is right to be realistic. Just enlist right after graduation. Worst case: you get it over with, best case: They offer you a job.” Yikyung didn't sound excited about the prospect. Although it seemed like he had made his peace with it.
Jihoon hummed in disagreement though. “What kind of job would they offer you? Would you really wanna be an actual soldier for the rest of your life?!”
“Who's talking about active duty, huh? They have office jobs, dimwit!”
They went back and forth like this for quite a while to the point their voices almost became white noise to Namsoon and he felt himself this close to sleep. That was until they involved Heungsoo in their debate.
“Hyung, what are you gonna do?,” Yikyung asked. “It's the army, right?”
All the muscles in Namsoon's belly tensed like his lunch was trying to claw itself back up his throat. He didn't know why, but he kept his eyes closed and pretended to not be listening to the conversation.
Heungsoo wasn't close enough for him to feel a change in him physically, but he seemed to tense up just the way Namsoon did. “Who even thinks about all that?” His voice sounded bored. “It's not like enlisting is the only option.”
Silence stretched over the rooftop and Namsoon suddenly felt cold. “Whoa, so cool, hyung,” Jihoon exclaimed.
That's when the bell rang. His makeshift pillow was torn from under his head, making his bang it against the unforgiving concrete with a wince. Usually, he would have glared at Heungsoo for the stunt and he could tell by the amused grin on his face that he was expecting a squabble, but there was no way Namsoon would be able to get out a single word around the block of ice in his throat. So he wordlessly got up and made his way back to suffer through class. He was sure, he would not be able to sleep through the rest of them with the weird feeling that had taken over his chest.
The rest of the day passed in a blur and simultaneously dragged on like gum on the soles of your shoes. For once, Namsoon tried to pay attention in class, but whenever he locked in on something, he would hear Heungsoo’s voice in his head again.
“...only option.”
Truth be told, Namsoon had avoided any thoughts about the future for so long now, it was second nature to him. In middle school, he had been too young and reckless to care about so much as the next week, much less the next ten years. And then when he had lost Heungsoo, there had been no future left. There had barely been a present to him for the better part of a year. And even when he had started attending school again, he hadn't done it with a bright future in mind. School had just been a place to spend some time and get food.
Then a miracle happened and he got another chance at a present with Heungsoo. Would it not have been too much to imagine a future when he was already this lucky? Things were good, there was no need to change them.
He had been under the impression that Heungsoo felt the same way, just living from day to day. But even though he turned his nose up at Yikyung and Jihoon for thinking about their future, wasn't it obvious he had been doing the same thing if he knew so well that there were options? Enlistment, university, office jobs… Did Heungsoo think about all this? How could he have when none of this had ever crossed Namsoon's mind? He was aware that he was lucky if he even got to graduate so it didn't make much sense for any university to take him. If he really had to put a finger on it, he was probably just making his deliveries until the end of time and coming home to Heungsoon's ramen. Nothing would really change except he would have more time to work and therefore more money. Did Heungsoo even have a job in this fantasy that Namsoon was barely aware of having?
The army… No way could Heungsoo enlist for active duty with his fucked up knee. Had that been his plan? Had Namsoon fucked up even his plan B back then? Maybe that's why he had tensed up like that, because he mourned that option. Once again, he was reminded that Go Namsoon was the bastard that had taken any future he could have imagined.
What were the options now? Heungsoo was handsome. Was he going to act? Or model? Had someone already scouted him and he had multiple options to choose from?
Or maybe Heungsoo's grades had gotten better. Back in middle school, he had been a decent student. Unlike Namsoon. Hell, he might have been a good one had Namsoon not kept messing around even when Heungsoo had grown out of fighting. And after the knee injury, he had only neglected his studies because of the trauma Namsoon had put him through. Perhaps while he was out doing deliveries half the night, Heungsoo was studying for entrance exams.
Either way, there was only one option for Namsoon's future: Park Heungsoo was once again ready to leave him behind for something better. Because that was what he was meant for. So this time, Namsoon would have to keep himself in check and let him walk on the bright side.
When school finally let out, Namsoon felt like he had aged about ten years in just one day. He got up in a daze and didn't even pay any mind to Kangjoo asking him to go to that hot dog place. Even when she made a grab at his jacket, he barely felt it through his daze.
Only when he reached his scooter did he get back his senses. He sighed as he looked at the thing that was reminding him what he was bound to do tonight and for the rest of days.
“Better get started,” he mumbled to himself as he pulled out the helmet and put it on his head. Just as he had clipped it close, he felt a dull thud on top of his head, the sound vibrating in his ears.
Namsoon didn't have to look to know it was Heungsoo. Sure enough, his friend stepped around the scooter into his field of vision. “What the hell is wrong with you today?” He held up Namsoon's bag. “I’m not your damn maid.” As he said those words, he jammed the bag against Namsoon's chest. Truthfully though, he didn't look very agitated. There was that weird glint in his eyes again that Namsoon had wondered about when he'd arrived at school that morning.
With a shrug, Namsoon put on his bag. “Nothing.” Uncomfortable with any silence between them right now lest his brain supply him with more terrible thoughts, he sent him an awkward smile and wave. “Anyway, gotta get going. See you tomorrow.”
His lifted leg was swung back down to the ground again. Now Heungsoo did look pissed. “What do you mean ‘see you tomorrow’? You told me I could sleep at yours tonight.”
Ah. Yes, he had said that. Truth be told, Heungsoo slept at his place more often than not nowadays. The only reason he had spent the night at his own place yesterday was because his sister had insisted on ‘quality family time’ with his ‘actual family’. Safe to say she hadn't warmed back up to Namsoon again. Not that he could blame her.
Usually Heungsoo wouldn't insist on staying over like this though. Except his sister's boyfriend was sleeping over, which was why Heungsoo had already booked a room at Hotel Go a week ago. There was no way he could ward him off without a good excuse. And when had Go Namsoon ever been good at thinking on his feet?
“Ah, right.” He rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly, the move obstructed by his helmet. “Sure, I know. It's just that I will be home super late so I don't think you will still be up when I get back.” Slower, almost like the slow pace could make sure his movements were undetected by Heungsoo, he lifted his leg over the seat of the scooter and got comfortable on it. “So… we will only actually see each other tomorrow.”
His hand already closed around the handle to speed away, but Heungsoo spoke up again. “Why are you doing so many deliveries lately? Didn't you already do them all last night?”
Namsoon's eyes widened in surprise. “How did you know?”
Heungsoo scoffed. “Why else would you be so out of it?,” he asked. Namsoon couldn't help but feel like he was really asking, his eyes unusually open. Maybe it was just because he himself knew it was the nightmare and his epiphany about their separate futures that had thrown him for a loop. After all, there was no way Heungsoo could know any of this.
So he put on his silliest, over the top, cutesy grin, the one he knew Heungsoo found ridiculous. “It’s because I don't need any beauty sleep.” And there it was, Heungsoo let out the tiniest unbelieving laugh.
“You're so damn shameless.” He finally took a step back from the scooter though so Namsoon could kick away the stand.
Right before he drove away, Heungsoo spoke up again.
“I’ll leave some ramen for you, bastard.”
There really was quite a lot to do. Namsoon hadn't planned on working right after school let out that day. As he was sitting on his scooter and the wind whipped around his head, his thoughts cleared up a lot and he remembered that he actually had told Kangjoo he would go to that hot dog place she loved so much as thanks for helping him with maths a while ago. Not that he had actually asked her to do so back then, but he secretly enjoyed her insistence on their friendship. While he had thought he had lost Heungsoo forever, she had been the only one who ever gave a damn about him. He appreciated it, even if he sucked at showing it.
He shot her a text about an hour into his shift to apologise for ditching her and promised he would pay for everything she could eat, which he immediately regretted when he remembered how much that girl could stomach.
In the end, it was exhaustion that forced him back home at midnight. Namsoon kept feeling himself drift off while driving and after the second time he almost crashed into a car, he had to give up.
When he made it back, the scooter haphazardly parked around the corner, his feet barely left the ground as he dragged himself up the incline to his house. He pushed the key in the lock and kicked off his shoes before he stumbled inside. Namsoon sniffed himself and made a face. He should shower, he reeked of smoke and sweat. His bed was calling his name though. He would just have to get up early tomorrow to take a shower before school.
After he had shed off his jacket and thrown it to the ground somewhere, he finally looked up. The little stove light was on, illuminating a golden pot. When he stepped closer, he could smell the rich spices that hadn't even registered to him when he first came in.
At work he hadn't felt hungry, but presented with the option of food, his stomach reminded him with an insistent growl that all he had eaten that day was the chocolate bread at lunch break. He patted his midriff soothingly, then lifted the lid to check the temperature. Not warm at all, but when he prodded the noodles, they hadn't completely clumped together yet. Good enough for him. Namsoon didn't even bother sitting down to eat and chomped down the ramen while standing at the stove in just a few seconds.
Satiated enough for sleep, Namsoon entered the bathroom to quickly wash his face and change out of his outside clothes. Not having bothered to even brush his teeth or clean his face properly, he was out of there in just a few minutes.
With heavy steps he entered the bedroom and wasn't surprised to see Heungsoo sleeping with the blanket kicked to the foot of the bed. While Namsoon preferred to almost be cocooned into fabric - apart from his feet, they had to stay cool! - Heungsoo ran incredibly warm at night and probably would have slept naked had it not been for sharing the bed more often than not. The familiar sight gave him enough energy for a fond smile. Then he carefully gathered the blanket, already wrapped it around his body and quietly sank down into bed. One last check whether he had awoken Heungsoo was met with nothing but a quick frown that relaxed a couple seconds later. Not even five minutes later, Namsoon had drifted off to sleep as well.
Dull thuds.
Fog dancing around his vision.
A resounding crack.
An agonizing shout.
Heungsoo looking right at him with betrayal and hurt, pulling his face into a grotesque mask.
Namsoon awoke with a scream that made it out of his throat this time. He was basically swimming in his own sweat, hair sticking to his forehead and poking his eyes.
His hands were closed around something in a vice grip. Whatever it was, it's the only thing grounding him to reality right now so he followed his arms with his gaze only to land on bruised skin being strangled by his own pale hands.
With a gasp, Namsoon jumped back, stumbled, and fell out of bed. The pain when he hit the ground helped him get back to reality. What didn’t help was a raspy voice asking ,”Are you alright?”, and the accompanying head popping up over the edge of the bed. A second later, warm light from his bedside lamp was illuminating the room
Heungsoo’s hair was tousled in every direction and he was rapidly blinking to get his eyes used to the sudden brightness, but that's not what Namsoon saw. The half-hidden bruised arm took over the whole room. It was taking up all the space, all the air to the point he felt the killing grip that had put the ugly purples forming there around his own throat. Suddenly he couldn't breathe or get up with how much he was trembling.
All he knew was he had to get away from his actions so Namsoon crawled. He didn't know how he got the door to open with his sweaty, slippery hands. Finally, he fell out of the bedroom into the living room. Eyes squeezed shut, Namsoon concentrated on the dull whirring of the fridge until he could breathe again.
He didn't know how much time passed until he felt a warm hand hesitantly touch his shoulder. Involuntarily, he flinched at this lightest of touches like he had been struck. Namsoon heard a sharp intake of breath, a moment, and the hand was back. This time on his back, this time with more pressure. For some reason, the rougher touch brought the comfort he assumed the first one was supposed to give him.
Gradually, his heart stopped running away from him and his breath decided to loop through his lungs again without too many hitches. He still didn't want to confront the situation though. So he avoided Heungsoo's eyes when he heaved his clammy body up and only sort of started looking at him through the corners of his eyes once the two of them were sitting on the bed again.
It was clear that Heungsoo didn't have any idea what had just happened or what to do. They weren't good at this… comforting thing. Neither of them were. They had been in the past when every day had brought on a new bruise or cut. Most first aid had been accompanied by a nuzzling head or hands intertwined while the antiseptic burned their skin. That was something they had not been able to build back up again though. Maybe because most of their bruises were not physical anymore and not to be fixed with some gauze.
Purple peeking through the pale skin of Heungsoo's arm proved him better though. Namsoon winced. Still physical bruises. Only now he was inflicting them on Heungsoo.
Heungsoo's brows furrowed and he leaned forward to look at his face. Maybe looking for some way Namsoon could have hurt himself in his panic. When he saw where his eyes were locked though, he rolled his eyes. “Don't make that face, I’m not about to break apart.” Heungsoo gave a quick laugh. “You know I’ve had worse.”
The words landed like a shot straight to his stomach: agonizing and deadly. Namsoon couldn't help but make a wounded sound as he stared at Heungsoo. He could spot the exact moment his friend realized what he had said, because his eyes widened so much, Namsoon would have found it funny and snapped a picture in any other situation. Heungsoo's lips parted, moved, closed, parted and moved about three times until Namsoon couldn't take it anymore and averted his gaze. He knew it wasn't what Heungsoo had meant, but that didn't change the fact that it was true. Who knew better than Go Namsoon that Park Heungsoo had had much, much worse than a hand-shaped bruise on his arm.
“So…,” Heungsoo cleared his throat. “What were you dreaming about anyway?”
Out of the corner of his eyes, Namsoon could see him move his arm behind his back and out of sight. Namsoon closed his eyes. This was what they were now. They had to keep certain things away from each other to still work. So he put on an embarrassed smile and scratched his itchy chest.
“Uhm I think I was ramen being boiled in the damn pot.”
Heungsoo tried to catch his eyes and when Namsoon finally let him, he had channelled enough embarrassment from being seen a mess like this to hopefully sell it.
Slowly, Heungsoo nodded with reluctance. “Hm. I guess that means no more late night ramen for you.”
Namsoon's grimaced. “Huh, yeah… Maybe.” Maybe it was better to stop being used to all the little things Heungsoo did for him sooner rather than later anyway. “Anyway, I’ll go take a shower. Try to get some more sleep.”
He didn't look back at Heungsoo as he gathered a new towel and clothes. As he left the room the light got switched off.
Namsoon took his time in the shower. He wasn't doing anything productive, opting to just stand under the spray for who knew how long. His bed was something he was starting to dread.
Long after his fingers had gone all pruny, he stepped out and into fresh clothes. A quick look at the clock showed that it was almost 4am. Too early to avoid bed altogether.
With even heavier steps than 4 hours ago, Namsoon trotted into the dark bedroom and lay back down next to Heungsoo. His back was turned towards him and his breathing was quiet and even. That was what gave him away. That guy snored like crazy. Were these old times, he would have asked whether Heungsoo was already asleep the way he had done with him in the past. Same as back then, Namsoon didn't feel like saying anything that could put a stop to whatever this was though. So he lay down with his back towards Heungsoo and just waited.
He didn't think either of them went back to sleep that night.
It had been about a week since that awful night in which Heungsoo had luckily been busy thanks to his sister nagging at him for spending too much time away from home. She definitely did not know she was doing Namsoon a huge favour by keeping her brother away from him and he wished he could send her flowers or a card for the leash she had put on Heungsoo.
The morning after, Heungsoo had made them rice as usual. They had acted like nothing had happened at all, but you could definitely feel it in the tension. The two of them only saw each other at school nowadays, but even that was on the threshold of uncomfortable.
In a way, it reminded him of the couple months they had been in the process of making up. The period of time when he had still felt so deathly sorry and every time he saw Heungsoo, he saw that boy laughing on a soccer field. It had gotten through to him at some point that he was making Heungsoo uncomfortable. His friend had just wanted things to be normal again, for them to be thicker than thieves without any thoughts running around their heads.
But now whenever Namsoon looked at Heungsoo he either heard the crack of his knee again or saw the bruise he had put on him no matter how many layers of clothing were covering it. What was even worse was that he knew it was bothering Heungsoo and that it wasn't undoing any of the harm he had done either, but just like back then he couldn't stop the sorrowful looks.
The most awful part was how he felt ants under his skin whenever Heungsoo got close now. Not in a good way. They were those ghastly red ones that bit you and put you in insurmountable pain. It was like he was sure he was going to hurt Heungsoo and what he felt was phantom pain from a future crack or bruise or cut.
He couldn't stop himself from putting Heungsoo into a hospital once for planning on leaving him behind. How could he be sure he wouldn't do it again?
The only way through was to take the biggest detour and make their paths cross the least amount of times.
Namsoon thought he had made it out of school undetected to the friends he had accidentally made somehow. That was until he saw Park Heungsoo leaning against the school gates, looking bored, but very much looking. Namsoon knew he had overdone it yesterday when he said he had homework before rushing off. When was the last time he had ever finished an assignment without Kangjoo forcing him to in a free period?
The moment their eyes met, Namsoon's smile did come naturally. Heungsoo just always looked so hilariously out of place among the other students. He'd say it was the fact that he was a year older, but truth be told, he always had kind of stuck out of the crowd even back when they met in elementary school. Over a decade later and looking at Heungsoo in a crowd still sent a warm feeling of comfort through him like he finally found the only other giraffe in a sea of zebras.
When he made it to the gates, Heungsoo put his hands in his pockets and they wordlessly set off at a leisurely pace. Without verbally agreeing on a destination, both pairs of feet led them to the ramen shop around the corner that was hidden in a basement. The smell of pepper and grease hit his nostrils and filled up his lungs with ease. The old lady who ran the shop by herself smiled and bowed at the two of them, which they quickly returned as they made their way to their usual corner table.
With the bowl of noodles he didn't even have to order - they had been here at least once a week the last few months so she knew their order as well as her own son’s - and the flickering yellowish lights flickering over their faces, Namsoon felt at ease for the first time in while.
The nightmares hadn't stopped. Well, nightmare, singular. It was the same awful scene that ended with Heungsoo's knee shattered over and over again. Namsoon had tried anything he could think of: drink multiple soothing lavender teas before bed to calm his mind, stay up doing deliveries for as long as he could stay upright to exhaust his brain into submission, read mangas before sleep to occupy his thoughts with something else. The only way he could keep his nightmare away was to avoid sleep.
It was his second day of being on this new special diet and he was feeling as was to be expected for someone who had slept about 4 hours total in the last 2 nights. Energy drinks had become his new best friends as he couldn't stand the bitterness of coffee. He was jittery all over and it felt like ants had made a home of his brain, but none of that mattered this afternoon. For the first time in what felt like forever, things were normal between him and Heungsoo. They joked around for hours, Namsoon stealing bites of his ramen and Heungsoo kicking his leg repeatedly under the table for it until the grandma sent the two of them a disappointed look, which left a huge grin in Namsoon's face.
A comfortable quiet had settled over their table. They were comfortable watching the other customers enjoying their ramen and chattering away with their friends and lovers.
“So,” Heungsoo started. Namsoon focused back on him with raised eyebrows. “What are you saving up for?” Heungsoo had asked the question casually, but the way he went back and forth between looking at the table and staring right into Namsoon's soul in milliseconds was shifty.
Namsoon tilted his head in confusion. “What would I be saving up for?,” he asked.
Heungsoo's head lowered a fraction. “You’ve done nothing but work lately. Either you're saving up for something big or…” He hesitated. Frozen in place, Namsoon didn't dare guess at what that ‘or’ could be. When he realised Namsoon wasn't going to supply anything, Heungsoo started cracking his fingers in that horrible way he did whenever he was nervous. “Or is… I mean… has your dad been around lately?”
He wouldn't look at Namsoon anymore, eyes suddenly occupied with the napkin in his fiddling fingers. It gave Namsoon's the time to compose himself. Would it not give him away, he would have breathed a huge sigh of relief. His little nightly episodes were still kept under a lock.
It took him a moment to get his brain to the solution Heungsoo had landed on. Did he think the father left behind whenever he went on another bender had run out? That always ran out after a maximum of 2 weeks and Namsoon hadn't seen his dad in at least 3 weeks. It was normal for him to live on plain rice for days. That had only changed when Heungsoo had halfway moved in with him. Most dinners were provided for by him. Namsoon had no idea where he got the money seeing as he had no job. It had to be some sort of allowance from his sister. Either way, Namsoon actually had been worrying about money way less lately.
Still, he found himself shaking his head frantically. “Ah, nothing like that. In fact, my father texted that he's gonna be home for a couple nights so I guess it's better if you stay at yours for a while.” The words tumbled out of his mouth in a rush that almost made him wince at how obviously nervous he was. He had never been a good liar.
Heungsoo tensed up even more. “Your dad…” He seemed to get frustrated with his own halting words and ripped the napkin in half with a frown on his face. “You know I don't mind your dad being there.”
Now it was Namsoon's turn to get agitated. The lie had fallen off his lips like lead, but it seemed to have landed. For what it was worth, Heungsoo seemed to believe him that his dad was coming around despite Namsoon not having a peep from the man since he'd been ordered to drop him off at a bar before school weeks ago. The day had been so nice and normal, why did Heungsoo have to go and ruin it like that?
“I think he minds though… he never liked you much.” The words came out with a warning undertone that made Heungsoo retreat from his position of leaning so far over the table his hands were almost touching Namsoon's. He hadn't even noticed the almost touch, the sudden absence of it that much more painful. What he was saying was true though. His father hadn't paid much mind to Heungsoo until sixth grade when this little boy had hid his shoes so the old man couldn't leave Namsoon alone to get ready for school without breakfast or anyone even waking him up. Old man Go had raged at Heungsoo until Namsoon had gotten so scared he would hit his friend that he had even put the shoes on his father's feet himself. After that, Namsoon kept Heungsoo away from his house on the rare occasion his father was home. It didn't change the rage on Heungsoo's face whenever he heard Namsoon's stomach grumble or saw him stumble in shoes that had gotten too small once again.
The ants were back crawling all over his brain and under his skin, ready to bite at any moment. Suddenly, it was unbearable to be around Heungsoo again. Why did he have to bring back unpleasant memories like this? Didn't he know it was dangerous for him to agitate Namsoon like this? What if he lost control again, right here in front of the poor grandma? He'd ruin three lives with one strike.
Pointedly, Namsoon set enough money to cover the whole bill plus a ridiculous tip down on the table and stood up. His chair scraped back with an awful squeak.
“See you at school,” he gritted out and strode out of the restaurant with a pace he knew Heungsoo could never keep thanks to Namsoon.
Namsoon did not sleep at all that night. At first, he was too agitated to do anything but pace around the low table in his living room. He didn't know whether electricity was running through his veins due to the abnormal amount of caffeine he had consumed or because of Heungsoo.
On the way back, he realised that Heungsoo had been trying to tell him that he would protect him from his dad. And for a second, that thought had made him feel all warm inside. Finally, there was someone who cared about him again. That feeling had turned into agitation at thinking Namsoon's couldn't protect himself and then anger at Namsoon himself for messing it all up again quickly though.
The anger was the worst. Not for a second had he considered punching Heungsoo in the restaurant, but once he had left, the doubts set in. Could he be sure about that? Had there really been no chance of him punching him? Hadn't he slammed the money on the table? Maybe a part of him had wanted to hit Heungsoo's body instead of the wood.
And anyway, why was Heungsoo trying to take care of him now when he was planning on leaving him behind for a great new glamorous life in half a year?
His thoughts ricocheted from wall to wall inside his head while his feet took him from wall to wall of the house. At the end of the night, he hadn't gotten a second of rest, so at 5am he decided to get ready for school.
Even though it was already spring, Namsoon was freezing when he got to school. Shivering, he sat down in the classroom and just waited. There was a strain through his body, pulling him closer to the ground and a pounding in his head. Now that he thought about it, he had forgotten to eat breakfast even though he would have had more than enough time for once. Oddly enough though, he did not feel hungry at all.
Now that he sat in the classroom, his mind shut down. Maybe it was because he was so used to sleeping here. Whatever it was, without even noticing it, his head fell forward and he fell asleep shortly after sitting down.
Dull thuds.
Fog dancing around his vision.
A resounding crack.
An agonizing shout.
Heungsoo looking right at him with betrayal and hurt, pulling his face into a grotesque mask.
Another crash and pain coursing through the back of his head. Namsoon opened his eyes to screams and pain. Panic had him in its grip and he just kept thrashing around, pain blooming whenever his arms and legs made contact with anything. He didn't know whether it was people or things. It was so loud inside and outside his head. Just like the dream, his vision couldn't latch onto anything. Like there was fog even though he knew there wasn't any.
There was not a single thought inside his head, it was pure instinct that made him fight when he had no idea where he was or what he was struggling against.
And then, just like in his nightmares, he heard a sharp groan and his vision cleared to show him the face he was terrified of seeing right now.
Heungsoo's face had a scratch across the cheek. He stared down at Namsoon, who had gone deathly still. His heart was the only one still in emergency mode, hammering inside his chest as if it wanted to escape from him. Namsoon, too, wanted to escape himself at that moment.
As he looked at Heungsoo, whose eyes rapidly jumped between in an obvious search as to what was going on, he could see all the horrible things he could do to the both of them.
“Namsoon.” Heungsoo sounded out of breath. Had he been fighting him for a long time while he had been out of his mind?
Namsoon swallowed repeatedly, but the stone inside his throat wouldn't dislodge.
“Go Namsoon, have you finally lost it?!” The voice was shrill and accompanied by a hand on his shoulder that made him flinch.
The rest of the world started turning again for him and Namsoon saw Kangjoo standing over him with an exasperated look on her face. She was leaning over Heungsoo, who was kneeling over his body. Namsoon lifted his hand to the back of his still throbbing head. When he looked back, he saw the legs of a desk right there. He must have bashed his head on those when he fell off his chair.
One dreaded look around confirmed his fear: Their whole class was gathered and every single one of them was staring at him and the spectacle he had created. All he wanted was to run away right now, but he knew that was way too dramatic and would only be more embarrassing in the long run.
So he consciously relaxed his face as he sat up. “Sorry,” he mumbled. His hand kept stroking the back of his head. He pulled his legs out from under Heungsoo and pulled himself into a stand.
Heungsoo was still kneeling on the floor. Namsoon started leaning forward to help him up, but the angle he was looking at him from and the blood on his face shot him right through the heart. He couldn't stand it, not even for the second it would have taken to help him up.
Instead, he got up by himself and properly turned towards the rest of the class. “Sorry, too many energy drinks.”
It dispelled the tension and the others went back to their rambunctious selves. He breathed out a sigh of relief when all the attention was off him. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Heungsoo rise from the ground. His hand was already stretching out towards Namsoon's wrist, but before it could make contact, teacher Jung entered the classroom.
“Attention!,” Namsoon called, maybe a fraction too loud. “Bow.” He did so with closed eyes. When they were done, he quickly picked his chair back up and sat down, stubbornly not looking up from his desk despite knowing who was still standing rooted to the ground next to him.
“Oh, Heungsoo,” Ms. Jung exclaimed. “What happened to your face? Did you get hurt?”
Still, he felt Heungsoo's eyes on the side of his face.
When he looked up, Namsoon saw their teacher come towards the two of them. “Do you wanna go to the nurse?,” she asked softly. Only when her hand landed on Heungsoo's arm did he look away.
He shook his head wordlessly and sat down in his seat.
“Are you sure?,” she tried to make sure. She got no reply.
Realizing she wouldn't get an answer, she sighed, but eventually gave up and started her lesson.
For the rest of class, Namsoon could feel a pair of eyes trying to drill a hole through his skull and right into his brain. He pretended to be napping with his face turned towards the window.
Towards the end of class with lunch approaching, his heartbeat accelerated. In the end it was Kangjoo who once again saved him. Before Heungsoo could take him somewhere to get something out of him, she dragged him to the cafeteria with complaints about how his bad eating and drinking habits were going to put him in the hospital one day.
Heungsoo followed behind them, not leaving his side all through the break. He even accepted the bandaid Hakyung wordlessly gave him and put it over the cut. No matter how much he stared at Namsoon, he stayed silent.
The two girls probably had no idea how much they were saving Namsoon right now. He knew that no matter what, Heungsoo would never force him to talk in front of anyone else. One, because he respected him enough not to make Namsoon pour out his heart in front of anyone else and two, because he must have known that there was no way in hell Namsoon would have said a single true word.
He got through the day like this and somehow escaped before Heungsoo could get a hold of him thanks to Jihoon and Yikyung asking him to arm wrestle.
As soon as he stepped through the gates of their school, he ran. At first, he ran towards home until he realised that that was the first place Heungsoo would check and he was a stupid idiot who had given him keys so he wouldn't even be able to pretend not to be there.
Namsoon hadn't exercised in years and yet, he managed to run without pause until minutes turned into half an hour and then a full hour until he was forced to stop. Now that he had given his body pause, he was left hunched over and gasping. His heart was beating out of his chest, the back of his head was pulsating, there was a stitch in his side and his throat felt like parchment paper lined its walls.
He squeezed his eyes shut. Put one hand on his aching side.
When he could breathe again and stand upright he looked around. The sky had started to darken considerably. He had no idea where he was either. Namsoon pulled out his phone and was immediately met with a barrage of messages.
Why the hell did you leave like that, bastard?
I’m coming over
Where the hell are you?
Your father isn't even here
Namsoon?
Go Namsoon
Stop fucking running
Just tell me where the hell you are
Why do you keep lying?!
Answer me!
Namsoon winced. If Heungsoo hadn't been mad before, he certainly was now. He was about to close the app when another text came in.
I can see that you're reading this!
Just tell me where you are, bastard!
In a fit of desperation he shut off his phone completely. He had originally planned on finding out his location, but he would just have to deal with it the old-fashioned way.
He walked along the road he was on until he made it to a convenience store. He got some water and a gimbap with the last of his money and sat down. Namsoon emptied the bottle of water in one go. The rice was clogging his throat with every swallow, but he forced himself to finish it as he watched the sun set.
At some point he must have fallen asleep, because the next thing he knew was a hesitant hand on his shoulder and a timid voice asking him to please leave. Not wanting to cause more trouble, he groggily got up with a nod and stumbled outside.
A look at his watch told him it was 3am. For a moment, he considered powering up his phone again to call a cab and go home. Maybe he could go back to the way he had been the year after he lost Heungsoo. Maybe this time, nobody would ask him to get up either.
He knew he wouldn't be so lucky though. When he really did turn on his phone, he was notified of the 11 missed calls and 19 further messages from Heungsoo. He knew he was probably at home waiting for him.
There was nowhere else for him to go though. For a while, he walked around aimlessly, his eyes drooping and legs sluggish. At around 4am he finally figured out the only place left for him and started walking on wary legs.
The janitor was in the process of opening the gate when Namsoon arrived at school. The man looked surprised to see him at such an hour, but when Namsoon bowed to him, he bowed back and stopped paying him any mind.
Instead of entering the building, Namsoon made his way around it to the shed he had gotten buried under chairs in. The memory of a panicked Heungsoo almost made him smile for a second, but in the end, he lacked the energy to move the muscles of his face more than necessary. The key to the lock was still hidden under the pot filled with dead plants just like it had been since some of the smokers had made a copy and put it there.
As he pulled the door closed behind himself he worried about someone locking it from the outside again. In the end, he didn't care enough to worry about it at the moment though. He didn't even bother getting one of the chairs off the stack. Pulling off his jacket, he lay it down on the floor as a cushion and sat down.
Finally, he could rest.
Namsoon awoke to a warmth against his left side. By the breaths, the shape of the arm pressed against his, he knew who it was. He sighed. You could only run to the ends of the world until you had to stop, he guessed.
He leaned his head back against the wall.
“How did you find me?” He was surprised by how rough his voice came out. It was no wonder though, he hadn't had a drop of water or spoken in hours.
“You weren't at home and you didn't come to mine.” Heungsoo's voice was surprisingly soft and calm. “Where else would you go?”
Finally, Namsoon swivelled his head to look at him. For the first time in weeks they were back to Namsoon staring as Heungsoo looked straight ahead. The cut on his cheek wasn't covered by a bandaid anymore, but cleaned and scabbed over, it didn't look that bad anymore. The dark circles under his eyes stood out way more.
“You didn't have to lie to me, you know?”
Namsoon raised his brows. Even though Heungsoo still wasn't looking at him, he explained without verbal prompting. “About your father. He hasn't been home in a long time, has he?”
He shook his head. When he didn't say anything, Heungsoo finally turned his head to look at him. Namsoon shook his head again. “Nah. It's been about a month since he's shown his face. Not sure he's coming back this time.”
It was Namsoon's turn to stare ahead again. He leaned his arms on his pointy knees and leaned over to pick at the laces of his sneakers. Namsoon felt the familiar prickle on the side of his face again. Eyes burning into him, trying to pry his brain open.
“That's not why you've been acting weird though.” It wasn't a question.
For a while, they kept their silence. Namsoon had a feeling that if they spoke again, it would be a goodbye. On some level, he was aware that neither of them wanted that so they stayed quiet, stretching the moment like a piece of gum. Once the bubble burst, it would all be over.
Weirdly enough, the anxiety that had taken his body hostage the last few weeks was nowhere to be found now that the end was near. Now that it was gone, Namsoon felt all hollowed out. So be it, so take him apart again. He’d manage. He had gotten by before.
Without any warning, laughter reverberated off the walls and rattled the arm that was pressing against its source. The laugh was ugly, bitter. There was absolutely no joy in it.
“I can't fucking believe you're pulling this shit again.” Namsoon's eyes widened in shock and confusion. The only time he had ever heard Heungsoo's voice sound so raw was when he had asked whether Namsoon had missed him that day in the snow.
Namsoon must have made some kind of noise, because Heungsoo whirled around to glare at him. “Don't sit there acting like I’m the bad guy when you're leaving me without a fucking word. Again. Like a damn coward.”
All the apathy left Namsoon at once. Body charged, he dug his hands into the cold stone floor. “Me?,” he exclaimed. “I’m not the one with such a bright future without any room for baggage!” His voice cracked at the last word.
Heungsoo expelled a breath like a cough. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?! I’m not the one lying, because I don't have the guts to tell someone I am done with them!”
“Right. That's because you're too busy thinking about all the options you have while I can just rot away into nothing so you don't have to bother with me anymore!” Namsoon's breathing came ragged by now and he tasted something metallic in his raw throat. At least he felt fucking alive again.
“Options?,” Heungsoo repeated incredulously. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“You said it yourself! All the options you have after graduation. I get it, I don't fit into that. You could have just told me that!” He felt the embarrassing prickle of tears coming up, but he had to keep going. “I wouldn't ruin it again for you. This time I would let you go!”
He was out of breath, red dots spotting his face and all he had left were the tears he hadn't let fall yet. Heungsoo started at him like that and Namsoon let him. Let him take in the disaster and come to peace with his decision.
“All this time and you still don't fucking get it.” Heungsoo's voice was small again, faded into something desperate. “No matter what I do or say, you twist it around so much you don't even know what's up or down anymore. And you wanna know what's the worst part?” Namsoon shook his head on autopilot.
“You don't even know you're doing it. And I just can't,” he clenched his fists in his lap, “figure out how to get it in that stupid brain of yours that I would never fucking leave you. I never did leave you. That was all you! You are the one who kicked me to the curb.”
When the first tear rolled down Heungsoo's cheek and he wiped it away with a clenched fist, Namsoon felt like he had been put on a different planet. He had no idea how they had ended up here.
“But you should,” he finally pressed out. “I don't want to, but there's something… bad inside of me that just makes something in my brain snap whenever you're about to leave me behind. Just look at your arm. Look at your face!”
Heungsoo’s brows furrowed. His hand unclenched and touched the cut on his cheek. “This?” His hand dropped onto the ground. “You did that while you were sleeping. How can I blame you for that?”
“How couldn't you?!” Another anguished sound, halfway between a sob and hysterical laughter punched itself out of his mouth. “Even asleep I would sooner ruin you than let you go! I can fight it as much as I want when I’m awake, but don't you see how fucked up it is that this is who I am at my core?”
Heungsoo looked so dumbfounded, even his tears had stopped flowing. “Why is that even a problem when I am not leaving you?”
Now it was Namsoon's turn to be absolutely shell-shocked.
“This is what I mean. You make up these scenarios in your head that make absolutely no sense and you somehow make yourself believe that they are reality.” Heungsoo continued. “Your mind is just so… Whenever I think we're on the same page, I look over and you're reading a completely different book.”
Once again, silence engulfed them. Both of them seemed to have said their piece without being any closer to a solution. They were still stuck at an in-between. The two of them pretended not to hear each other’s sniffles or see the way they were dabbing their tears away.
At some point, they relaxed back against the wall, heads tilted back against it. “You know,” Heungsoo started in a quiet voice that still had a bit of a rough edge. “I wasn't going to leave you behind back then either.”
Namsoon was too exhausted to argue so he opted to listen instead. “My mother didn't want me to say anything before she got the okay from your father, but the plan was always to take you with us. She even worried about us having to share a room even though I kept telling her you needed someone with you to sleep through the night anyways.”
There was a soft smile, a fond look in Heungsoo's eyes like he had not just put a sledgehammer to Namsoon's chest. He had had absolutely no idea. Never in a million years would he have ever thought anyone would keep him around like this when his own parents didn't even want him.
The tears came freely this time. They burst from his eyes like a waterfall. All this hurt, none of it had to happen. He had built his entire life on a rug that Heungsoo just pulled from under his feet like it was nothing.
“I never had any trouble sleeping,” he croaked out.
Heungsoo snorted. “Sure.”
There was hesitation in his movement, but eventually, Namsoon laid his head down on Heungsoo's shoulder. A breath. Then he felt the familiar weight pressing against his hair.
Cramped up, cold, face wet from tears, Namsoon slept like a baby.
“You know, you still haven't told me how you came up with that weirdo theory of yours that I was off to some dazzling place after graduation.”
The two of them were doing the dishes after another round of ramen for dinner. It had taken exactly two weeks until Heungsoo finally caved and agreed to make Namsoon ramen again. Only after Namsoon had spelled out that no, that stupid nightmare had not been about being a pack of ramen being boiled alive. Several times.
After the shed, Heungsoo had stubbornly refused to leave his side. He even insisted on going on delivery rounds with him. When Namsoon had tried to tell him that it was completely unnecessary and promised that he wasn't going to pull another disappearing act on him, Heungsoo had scoffed and told him this was the only way he could stop his brain from coming up with conspiracy theories about him. Since he enjoyed the company and the feeling of a warm body against both his back and his front when Heungsoo took over driving duty whenever Namsoon got too tired, he stopped protesting quickly.
They hadn't talked about the shed any more though. “Where is this suddenly coming from?”
Heungsoo shrugged as he scrubbed at the grease on the pan with a concentrated furrow to his brows. “Dunno. I’ve been trying to figure it out and I just can't put my hand on what triggered all this. It's gonna bother me if I don't find out.” He turned to Namsoon with a mischievous grin. “Don't wanna say something that puts your brain into crazy mode again.”
Namsoon thwacked his back with the towel, which earned him a laugh. “Can you stop calling me crazy? You're the one who brushes his teeth for ten whole minutes every night.”
This started a round of familiar bickering for the rest of the washing up and the thought Heungsoo had forgotten all about it again. When they were lying in bed though, Namsoon cocooned in the blanket and Heungsoo in shorts and a wifebeater like it was thirty-five degrees, Namsoon spoke up again.
“It was the rooftop.” Heungsoo hummed to signal him to keep going.
“I guess it already started when we were talking there about what we were planning on doing, because I had the nightmare for the first time two days after that.” He swallowed. Even though they had somehow gotten through it, the memory of that dream still made him shiver. “Something really switched when we went back there with Yikyung and Jihoon though. They started talking about what they wanted to do after graduation and then they asked you.”
Namsoon took a deep breath. Even now when he knew he had completely misinterpreted his words, it was still difficult for him to think about. The mattress gave a groan and seconds later he felt the warmth of Heungsoo pressed against his side.
“You didn't even say much. All you said was that the army wasn't everything and that there were options. I guess I just started coming up with all the opportunities people would give you, while all I could see for my own future was… this.” Then he quickly added, “Don't get me wrong, I like this. It's just that if I had to do it all alone again…” He let the sentence drop. It was pretty clear either way. What did he have apart from Heungsoo?
His pillow dipped. Namsoon's head rolled to the side, coming nose to nose with Heungsoo, who had rolled onto his side. Namsoon copied his position.
“I don't know how you came up with me having more options than you when my grades are just as awful as yours and I have a criminal record on top of that, but do you wanna know the future I actually had in my head when I said that?”
Namsoon nodded his head against the pillow with bated breath.
“The old lady from the ramen restaurant told me that she was getting too old to run the shop by herself, but her son is a banker so he won't help. She asked when you and I are graduating and what our plans were.” He paused to wet his lips. “I was just trying to figure out whether it was worth it for us to enlist one after the other so there would always be one of us helping her run it.”
Go Namsoon was so damn tired of Park Heungsoo making him tear up. Before he could spot it and make fun of him, Namsoon dove down to bury into a startled Heungsoo's chest.
“Hey, what are you doing?” After the shock wore off, Heungsoo tried to shove him away, but Namsoon just wrapped his whole body around him and held on for dear life.
“Bastard, you know it's way too warm for me already! Get off, I don't wanna sweat all night!”
Namsoon could tell that he was barely using half his strength when he pushed at his arms and leg so he shook his head against his ribcage with a huge, secret grin on his face and tightened his grip even more.
Eventually, he gave up and they fell asleep tangled up.
The next morning, Namsoon woke up with clammy skin again. He had never slept more soundly.